5 minutes past midnight. The mirtazapine is doing it's work. I am calm. Ready for sleep. Listening to Floating Points on my expensive yet very old headphones. I see a cluttered desk, a cluttered room. Not enough time, not enough time. The climax of the song is wonderful. All there is to do is turn the dial of sound higher. Enjoyment, finally some enjoyment.
I really enjoyed the recent poems that I read. William Carlos Williams and Allen Ginsberg. I feel an affinity to Emily Dickinson, Walt Whitman, William Carlos WIlliams, and Allen Ginsberg. I so want to be a poet but I still don't know how.
I have to be honest. I went to a German restaurant tonight for my dad's birthday and I really wanted a litre of Octoberfest beer. What I really wanted was my favorite beer of all time New Glarus Spotted Cow which is only sold in Wisconsin.
My sponsor is in a psych ward or in jail. I am not sure which one it is. He's also a very good friend. Engulfed with conspiracy theories and delusions of grandeur. It all mashed together. He may have to stay in a psych ward permanently or jail.
Who am I even talking to?
Most of the time it doesn't matter. I remember when I first discovered Rothko, first discovered painting. We humans need identities. I could do a better job at being a retail cashier. I could engage more in chatter. Be more enthusiastic. It's hard to force an energy level though. It's even worse to be an imposter.
I'm tired, I'm spent, I think all of my willpower was used up today and I have none left. Maybe not even enough to read a short poem which is something I would enjoy. I am listening to Numb by Andy Stott. I am tired enough to be numb. Most occupations are a bummer. Use all of the time, energy, willpower on the job and come home an undead zombie. It's tempting to just throw on a streaming service and become an even more undead zombie. Maybe journaling is another undead zombie endeavour for me. It's less effort than studying poetry or reading Bolaño.
I just write whatever is on my mind. I'm really digging Andy Stott tonight. The music is what is keeping me from doing something else.
I'm so tired I don't even want to think about death, authenticity, The Good Life. The good life is listening to music which is a higher revelation than wisdom and philosophy (Beethoven). Beethoven was biased but I don't think that he is wrong.
A little THE MAN OF THE NIGHT by YSL to make my nose a little happier. My indescriminate nose. It doesn't turn off. It is always on. I may as well treat it to some sweet smelling parfum. I have to be a consumer of this parfum for this little boost in joy.
I have studied quite a lot of poetry tonight albeit my LP journaling habit. Do I study another poem? I don't think I am quite ready to lie down and fall asleep yet.
I just woke up from a nap with a fierce erection. How do we manage a libido? I masturbated yesterday without pornography, only flashes of images and memories. I ended up coming to an image of a co-worker. She is too young or presumably not interested in dating me. It also strikes me as a bit awkward the next time I talk to her but I cannot help my wants and desires or even predict them. Patrice O'Neal said the only reason he had sex anymore was to provide him with images and memories to jerk off to. It's much more straightforward to jerk off to pornography. It's much more straightforward to seek out or find a pornstar that we desire.
I've had my mirtazapine, I've had my kiwi. It's time to wind down and eventually get some sleep.
Ich wandere - I wander
I am listening to some Portishead and some Radiohead in the crib. That just seems like a good moment. A moment that can only last so long. In fact, the moment is now over and a new moment arises. Perhaps this moment could be even something more than the last? But, alas this moment shall pass.
I don't know what I am doing on here. I don't feel like studying poetry and I don't feel like reading a novel. I do feel like listening to music. The music part of me is starting to get hungry again. Now that I am employed a bass guitar is more in my reach. I don't know if I will go down that path though. Workin' and stumblin' and fumblin' and rumblin' and ramblin' and gamblin' and damn man just seems better than codeine and waitin' around to die.
In writing these journals I am waitin' around to die but not exactly. Earlier I listened to When I Die by MGMT. When I hear this song I am confronted with death which makes me question my authenticity and what I am doing with this life. It also reminds me of Loco who put me on to that album. This site once had an interesting bunch of people. Now, it is just lostaccount and myself. I would say we are at least some what interesting but clearly not the melting pot LP once was. What a weird fucking existance all this journaling is. I feel that I need it to cope. I had family in town the other night and didn't need it. It didn't even cross my mind. The nights are dark by myself. I don't even think socializing will mend that. Sliding the D into a wet and wanting vagina, touch, feel, embrace, kiss, I can't help but want it. Now that I am getting a paycheck I want more of a paycheck. I want a better job and a better job and a better job. Will I have the discipline to acheive that? The jury is out. But I shouldn't get ahead of myself like that.
This is a song I found recently that I have been diggin' a lot:
-cE&start_radio=1
It works in the gym. I have been in a phase where I mostly listen to groovy songs due to more volume in my workouts.
All this writing and no revelations. I miss music. That is one revelation.
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failsafe United States. Oct 21 2025 14:06. Posts 1063
What do you think about BR management and floating your income scheme? So, I've got 20 priceless objects, $100, and I want to play NL25/50. If I sell one priceless object I'm rolled for maybe a million dollars playing NL$5K. But, I think I'll lose it in about 5 days. What do you think? Are the other 19 priceless objects restricting my BR?
On October 21 2025 13:06 failsafe wrote:
What do you think about BR management and floating your income scheme? So, I've got 20 priceless objects, $100, and I want to play NL25/50. If I sell one priceless object I'm rolled for maybe a million dollars playing NL$5K. But, I think I'll lose it in about 5 days. What do you think? Are the other 19 priceless objects restricting my BR?
they are priceless if u dont sell it but has a price if u do sell it but lol
On October 21 2025 14:33 RiKD wrote:
Why even play poker if you are going to lose it in 5 days? $20 million is more than enough to retire and live a good life.
1M usd if spent correctly is more than enough to live a great life if u invest it well
The thread boiled down to $30k/yr after inflation and taxes. Obviously, it would be tough to live in a major city. Living in the city center is out. Bonus for living in the middle of nowhere in a mud hut with roomates and fasting most days. You could also watch paint dry, play video games, or read books from the library. If you must eat then go kill a deer and put it in the freezer. Get used to eating the same thing for 5 days straight. You could also live in a closet and eat cat food. Leaving the house puts you in danger of busting the daily entertainment budget of $10.
I definitely had a taste of this living. Actually I was full on surviving for a long time (I still am). Reading books from the library and walking the dog only got me so far. Most jobs suck but it does provide socializing and an income versus being stuck in the house.
the f they only getting like a 5% roi? thats pathetic I know I can get at least 15% which would be 150k pre tax so after tax maybe 100k n you can live anywhere.
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United States. Oct 17 2025 05:28. Posts 9668
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