Navigating through the seasons - Page 3

A problem is I have nothing to write apart from writing about how I don't write. I can't write poetry. I am just learning it. I don't know a stanza from a sonnet. It seems I am out of inventiveness in regards to novels. I remember the times writing my novella. There were times that I was truly alive. Of course, it can be daunting facing the blank page and the blinking cursor but when times were good we were realling flying. Better than codeine.

My laptop (Lenovo Thinkpad from 2015) has Microsoft Windows 10 and needs an upgrade to Windows 11 to be supported by Microsoft but my hardware does not meet the requirements to upgrade.

It seems like I have 4 options:

- Update to Windows 11 with Rufus
- Linux time
- Try to upgrade hardware
- Don't upgrade

Which option would you choose?

I have an old computer (2014 Mac) as well and I need to upgrade to do more things but im content with the things I can do with it mostly YouTube n surfing the net so its fine.
I use to love poetry as well but haven't had the desire to write any as of late.
I guess maybe its time for me to hit the gym again as I have so much free time n gym kills 1 hour or so of the day n gets me healthier

back from the gym, quick 30-40m workout I feel happier endorphins haha. I wouldn't upgrade just let it be like me

On October 14 2025 19:05 lostaccount wrote: I have an old computer (2014 Mac) as well and I need to upgrade to do more things but im content with the things I can do with it mostly YouTube n surfing the net so its fine. I use to love poetry as well but haven't had the desire to write any as of late. I guess maybe its time for me to hit the gym again as I have so much free time n gym kills 1 hour or so of the day n gets me healthier

The difference with Windows vs a Mac is I think there are more security issues to worry about with a Windows.

Gym kills more than an hour for me. There is pre-game prep like food and caffeine and generally getting ready. The actual workout probably takes me 40 min. 15 min. there and 15 min. back. Then there is post-game nutrition and chilling out. Plus, the post-game high is real.

On October 14 2025 19:54 lostaccount wrote: back from the gym, quick 30-40m workout I feel happier endorphins haha. I wouldn't upgrade just let it be like me

I don't have a problem letting it be with a mac. I had a Macbook Pro from 2009 that I got rid of only within the last year or two but with Windows I think there are potentially a lot of security problems.

I need a Death Cafe. We all need a Death Cafe. I just had some banana bread and I'm drinking white tea. My neighbor puts up a bunch of decorations for Halloween. He makes his frontyard into a cemetary with tombstones and skulls and coffins. A student once asked Heidegger, "How does one be authentic?"
Heidegger responded, "Walk through a cemetary." Which I think is brilliant but Baudrillard says there is no such thing as authenticity. I drive by this cemetary on my way to work and on my way home from work and I walk by it twice when giving the dog a walk. I keep getting pangs that I don't want to be working a retail cashier job. What else should I be doing? I don't know if there is anything else I should be doing at this point in time. So, then it moves on to my life. How am I spending the rest of my life? Do I really feel like reading 30 min. of Walt Whitman poetry at this point in time? If I'm really lonely or bored there is Bolaño. There is always Bolaño!

David Foster Wallace said one of his breakthroughs in art was watching Blue Velvet by David Lynch. Apart from some debts to Hitchcock it was a truly Lynchian experience. In art, we have to find ways to be truly ourselves or at least as close as we can get. I do agree with the Baudrillardian notion that there is no such thing as authenticity. We all have debts to people, culture, really everything; the good and the bad and the ugly.

What do we do with this knowledge?

Part of me just wants to do a bunch of drugs at a music festival.

Maybe don't obsess over it. I'll drive myself mad trying to be authentic and realizing it's impossible. I could wear all black and go to some beat poetry in Brooklyn and find clones. The marketers get the idea to sell black t-shirts and then what?

Do I have to have a unique haircut?

Flaubert said: "Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent and original in your work."

So many perspectives. I do agree with Beethoven that music is a higher revelation than all wisdom and philosophy. Doing a bunch of drugs and going to a music festival or even just singing karaoke or playing the drums hits different.

Most social spheres are full of clones.

I don't really fit into social spheres and I never have. It's a real problem if I didn't know myself or have books to read and dogs to walk. Like I said though, I would like some 1 on 1 time with a romantic partner, some 1 on 1 time with close friends, and some time outside in small groups. I have repeated myself on a lot of this stuff which means it's important but at the end of the day if I have some banana bread, white tea, and Bolaño I'll be alright.

I don't know if I'm ever going to get there on the authenticity topic. I've been going 'round and 'round for a while now. It's similar to the idea of determinism. We are all shaped by our culture, experiences, society. To say there is no such thing as society is absurd. La vie est absurde. That doesn't mean I have to picture Sysiphus happy. Sartre was big on authenticity. We are free to live the lives that we want. Radically free. We are a sum of our actions. Sartre did pretty well for himself. Why can't I be more free? Maybe this is the life I always wanted. Maybe I am free.

I am not free but I am about as free as I can be... today.

How could I be more free?

The brain is a chaotic flood. It goes where it goes.

Does anyone know a way I can make more money for less responsibility?

Solve stuff related to the barter economy and destroy communism. Time is money when everything is identical in everyone's language. There is no modern parlance or vernacular. There is no colloquial and there is no point including things that everyone is aware of. People have a lot of the same thing and that thing is communism (what makes a thing vs. a good).

Everyone's Doge coin is pinned to Shiba and every Shiba coin is pinned to Doge. Ein vs "doge" we'll never solve Welsh Corgi vs Shiba. Shiba coin and Doge coin are not the same.

Ein is a Welsh Corgi.

Doge is a Shiba.

The Present is Now! The Present is Now!

I am no freer than I am right Now. If I was on a yacht on fentanyl on Kate Upton on fentanyl on the Mediterrean on Earth under the Sun would I be freer in that moment? No. Even if she was 22 and the yacht was larger than Besos?

I am trying to make this a stream of consciousness sort of thing. Obviously, I will fail. I am not the size of my yacht. Maybe I would like a modest fiberglass sailboat with an aluminum mast. That should suffice but I don't want to die at sea. Who wouldn't want to slide the D, into Kate Upton at age 23?

A problem for me on Earth is that I have tasted fentanyl. That might be the ultimate for an addict like me.

The present is now. I am free now, now, now, now, now, now i Am Freee NOW NOW NOW

Going to space would take a little more preparation. I don't think I want to do that in this lifetime.

I want to dance i want to sing i want to run naked down the beach and take a swim

i don't really like cold plunges. the science isn't really behind them doing much so I don't partake. saunas on the other hand i happen to love. i found out i'm 12% Finnish. All my Russian, Ukranian, Polish ancestry actually comes from Finns way back in the day. I also found out that I have Native American in my blood. Not much but it's at least 1 drop which makes me a Native non? A blond haired, blue eyed Native American. That was probably from my Scottish heritage that came down to Prince Edward Island and those whereabouts.

I strive to be more free. Do we want our brains to be rampaging floods or neatly contained boxes on plots of grass?

What if I get the thought to call a black person "nigger"?

I don't mean them any ill will it's just something that pops into my brain. I have to remember all the black people that have been lovely in my life. But, what if the black person is being dumb?

I wish I didn't have those thoughts. I wish I didn't have thoughts about killing myself. I don't have the outlets of expression that I need.

I am not on life support. I don't have ALS. I don't have scars on my blood vessels in my eye that will cause me to go blind (yet, yet, yet). I would say it's fairly nice to be alive. My OD said I have to keep my blood sugar down (which I have my A1C was 4.8 a week ago) but it's possibly that my blood vessels in my eyes bleed and cause scarring that will cause blindness in 10 years.....

I am free to live life to the fullest until I may go blind in 10 years. I may go blind tomorrow. I may die tonight.

I am dancing NOW. I don't have to wear RICK OWENS to be cool. I'm cooler than that ole geezer anyways. What a faggot.

The key to my wardrobe this fall is a jacket I've had since I was 14 and a fleece that I got from REI on sale from $200 down to $50 from Patagonia that's a 3x but drapes on me like a comfy blanket and I wear it everyday because I love it. I spray myself with Yves Saint Laurent THE NIGHT OF THE MAN because I like parfumed rooms. It's an AURA. I like going for walks with my dog in non-parfumed air aka outside. I like breathing. I like seeing. I like hearing. Sunsets and Floating Points keep me going. I maybe losing my mind a little bit but it's ok. It's just a journal. At least I'm not hallucinating, yet. I sprayed way too much YSL THE NIGHT OF THE MAN. I got a little too excited and sprayed it everywhere. I wonder if it's strong enough to smell from downstairs. Hopefully, it's strong enough to mask dirty laundry and uncleaned bedsheets.

I am not really free to do anything. I can't do drugs. I can't drive to anywhere I want to go. There is a lot I cannot afford. In a way it's ok though. I am studying poetry, I am reading Bolaño, I am going for walks.

Walt Whitman said something like he gave up competing for the usual things to become a poet. I think that I wish to become a poet. Maybe I've always been one in spirit. Or, maybe, the only requirement to be a poet is to write poetry in which I fail. I am enjoying studying poetry though.

It seems like I take my mirtazipine and eat a kiwi and then gravitate towards this journal. I need it the more hours I have to work at a job. Maybe when I learn enough about poetry I can replace LP with poetry. Like I said, I don't even know the difference between a stanza and a sonnet.

I need some sort of solitary pursuit to carry me through the nights. Poetry would be perfect. I've tried just about all I can think of.

I still get the urge to use tobacco products. I am French and Native American it's no wonder the pull is so strong.

I just love drugs.

Even a nice cup of coffee is scrumptious.

Again, I don't think there are any revelations on the rise. Maybe they are lying just below the simmer. It's just nice clicking the keys of the keyboard. klick klick klick klick klick klack cklikckkkk ckklaakckkkk

I am a sum of my actions. Too many nights on LP = ????

I just got back from training and I am still feeling the high. There was one absurdly attractive woman in there today. I don't know what I go for but sometimes an obsenely aryan woman lights the loins on fire. She was tall, blonde, blue eyed with a long braided pony tail. Fair enough to be my aryan viking bride. She was doing back excersizes with a backless top. I am liking that trend in the gym.

I am in chill mode. I have on a black t-shirt, blue jeans, and no belt. I didn't put any product in my hair today.

Sometimes I think I go for the opposite of aryan. Black, Asian, Latina, some strange mix. My penis wanted to impregnate this chick at the gym though. I was seduced. I wanted to please her. Luckily, there were other objects, I mean women in the gym that dimmed Viking princess's Aura.

lostaccount, how is your training going?

I don't know the answers. Going to the gym seems like a good answer. Old t-shirts and old jeans seems like a good answer. Brooks Ghost running shoes seems like a good answer. I'm still deciding if I want to be clean shaven or keep my beard. A simple haircut seems like a good answer. YSL cologne seems like a good answer. Toro y Moi seems like a good answer. Studying English (poetry) seems like a good answer. Reading Bolaño seems like a good answer. Walking the dog seems like a good answer. Getting a good night sleep seems like a good answer. Hanging out with friends seems like a good answer. Being grateful seems like a good answer.

Why am I so damn restless then?

Maybe because I consumed 300mg of caffeine this morning.

training is okay planning on going 2-3 times a week.

On October 17 2025 00:03 lostaccount wrote: training is okay planning on going 2-3 times a week.

Good Shit.

I am coming to the realization that I have to work tomorrow. The good news is that I had some tea and feel quite calm. The bad news is time is running out.

I have been doing some singing and some dancing to try and escape. I cannot escape. I choose to study poetry. I choose to follow butterflies. I choose to breathe the open air. The silhouette of palm trees among the mauve muhly grass at sunset. I cannot dance enough. I cannot drink enough.

My liver is doing so well, it would be a shame to throw it all down the toilet.

I close my eyes and try to... and try to... and try to compose myself.

This is existence is serious business. I am going to die. A speck of dust that is shackled to money. I do not wish to compete for the usual things. That is my choice... or is it?

I don't want a brand new Mercedez Benz. I don't want children. Even weddings seem complicated and out of the question.

I miss reading Berserk.

I miss writing my novella.

I miss wet mouths and wet vagina.

There is surely more to life...

I try to not want what I want but I want what I want. Protect me from what I want (Jenny Holzer). When I think I need what I want when I just want what I want we have a problem. I don't want to need anything or anyone.

It seems impossible to get money without responsibility but there has got to be ways. Better ways.

Sometimes it doesn't seem like there is much to life.

I guess I go and take my mirtazapine and eat my kiwi and read and pass out and go to work tomorrow and do it all over again.

I just had some mirtazapine. Maybe I should up the dose of mirtazapine. I just had some kiwi. Maybe I should up the dose of kiwi. I just had some dark chocolate. Maybe I should up the dose of dark chocolate.

So many options and I choose to listen to music and post journals. It feels so comfortable here. Especially with the white tea and mirtazapine. Add in some xanax and fentanyl and I'd really be doing ok...

One day I was at a camp in the forest. We ate eggs, bacon, and pancakes. Drank coffee. Drank energy drinks. Smoked cigars. I went out into the forest with an axe and started chopping down dead trees. I then chopped the trees into logs. I then took the log and put it on my shoulders and started doing lunges along a field. "He's not alcoholic..." was the verdict of the day.

I am alcoholic and I don't do a whole lot to treat it but what is there really to do to treat it?

Work an honest job?
Help people?
Talk about it?

Not that anyone on here would know much about recovery. Not that there is even anyone on here.