On October 25 2025 15:45 RiKD wrote:
I am sitting here sippin' some coffee. I don't want to drink alcohol or snort cocaine or take a bunch of benzos so that is good.
lostaccount, I think it is better to go all-in on your team meaning make a large bet on your team. Only if you can get a decent price. The sweat is much better.
you are right I made a big bet on them to win now. GL us. the odds were good cuz I think they will win in 5 now
I don't think I mind working tomorrow although it is a Sunday and it will be tough. I am dreading the part of the schedule where I work 6 days in 1 week. I guess I just take it a day at a time. That's all I can do.
I did a general inventory of my wardrobe today. I did a lot of cleaning. 3 items got the boot to Goodwill. In one case it was a flowery shirt that I just never wear. Not that I am against flowers but this one was far too flowery. The other 2 were kind of cheap fast fashion numbers. I have a shit ton of Dickies socks that I bought along time ago and all of them are in great shape. Same for my Carhartt stuff. Same for my Levi's stuff. Same for my LL Bean stuff. I am thinking I just go with well made American clothing like outer wear and work wear stuff just simply as a practical the stuff is comfortable and lasts notion. My Red Wing boots are still kicking all these years later.
I don't feel like double checking all my articles of clothing right now but all those American companies I mentioned are not actually manufactured in the USA and are made somewhere in Asia or elsewhere (ie Mexico). They still seem to last better than cheap clothing from China / Indonesia / etc. I have enough clothing to get me through the fall / winter so that is good but if I had to buy new clothing I don't even know where I would start.
I am just killing time waiting for my sheets to get out of the dryer. I am sick of studying poetry. I don't really feel like reading Bolaño at the moment. It's nice to just chill and listen to some Squarepusher.
Just killing time listening to some Boards of Canada.
Again, I don't know if there are ever going to be revelations. I suppose cleaning my room was a micro-revelation. Working is part of my life now. It's just the way it is. It's like I'm chomping at the bit to get back into the consumer game. It's depressing actually. Flashes of everything I can now buy are haunting me and the fact is I still can't really afford much which causes frustration. I don't need clothes. I barely leave the house. I have plenty of clothing. I find myself in a bit of discomfort when the poetry and the reading stops working. It's like I am unable to lose myself in music at the moment. Buying more music equipment may or may not help with this.
I could probably use an AA meeting or an AA sponsor or any kind of social connection that goes beyond greetings and superficial chatter. My AA sponsor is in the psych ward or in jail and I don't know anyone else to fill in for that role.
I need to figure out some things to do beyond poetry and reading Bolaño. I can't always rely on those things to get me through. The obvious choice is to get to some AA meetings but is that truly obvious? I haven't liked going to those things in 10 years. I'm stumped. How does an out of practice recluse who doesn't drink go out and meet people at age 40?
On October 26 2025 03:15 RiKD wrote:
I need to figure out some things to do beyond poetry and reading Bolaño. I can't always rely on those things to get me through. The obvious choice is to get to some AA meetings but is that truly obvious? I haven't liked going to those things in 10 years. I'm stumped. How does an out of practice recluse who doesn't drink go out and meet people at age 40?
play pokerrrrr, side hustle rikd play some tournaments learn gto then when u get a bankroll play some live tournaments and profit?
On October 26 2025 03:15 RiKD wrote:
I need to figure out some things to do beyond poetry and reading Bolaño. I can't always rely on those things to get me through. The obvious choice is to get to some AA meetings but is that truly obvious? I haven't liked going to those things in 10 years. I'm stumped. How does an out of practice recluse who doesn't drink go out and meet people at age 40?
play pokerrrrr, side hustle rikd play some tournaments learn gto then when u get a bankroll play some live tournaments and profit?
Poker is not happening. I was never really a tournament guy unless it was a main event or a big event. I did enjoy learning GTO though. Live tournaments are a definite no unless I can win a million bucks. I mean I would take scaled tournaments to my brokeness with good structure to be honest. I don't know of any live 10$ mtts with low rake with good structure that are well run.
I had 2 stints with poker in the last 5 years. GTO Wizard was a lot of fun but not fun enough. I was big winner on Ignition and ACR over relatively small samples but it just wasn't worth it for me. I'm happier studying poetry and reading novels.
Now, the flood gates have opened. I don't know if I have much to say tonight though. I don't have work tomorrow so I have time to analyze. What if I don't want to analyze? I don't know what I want to do which is why I revert to trying to figure that out in journal form. I don't want to study Gertrude Stein but I don't want to play poker either. First thing that comes to mind is taking a bunch of benzos and listening to Grimes Visionz.
I have this fear that I am going to say nigger or retard or faggot in public. The brain is a hurricane. You never know where it's going to go. It can not be contained...
Caribou is a great musician. I love caribou. and banks. and thom yorke even though he is a israel apologist. i am doing an experiment where i just type whatever comes to mind. there is a book called the artist's way that says to just write stream of consciousness for pages to get it all out of the system in order to do your art. lcd soundsystem is pretty good. i always liked that song tribulations. i saw them perform live in buenos aires. my friend and i were smoking hella joints and then he said security was coming to get us but we would always get really high and he would always try and prank me/ scar eme. to this day i don't know if that is a prank but i smoked as much of the remainder of the joint that i could and then threw it down below the crowd level and thesse security guys walked right by us and i was like shit but was it a coincidence? it was straate. he was the guy that would get me ridiculously high and try and prank me but not so much that it lost credibility. he was a master at bluffing. really. he was probably the best poker player at bluffing that i ever encountered. anyways, lcd soundsystem was great
queens of the stone age better through chemistry or w/e just came on i am multitasking on discord
i was never much of a WoW player. my brother was. i think if my brother could change something it would be to have the time and attention to play video games and watch anime. and i am spending my tmie yappin all ove rthe page with this shit. this complete and utter bullshit.
It is amazing how certain songs evoke memories. Like memory trees. They may invoke the memory tree everytime the song plays?
Like, if I want to go to sleep at around midnight or one o clock that is 3'ish more hours that I am conscious. What they fuck am I doing with this consciousness? I am condegmned to be born and then die, I am condegmned to have a consciousness and I use it to write about my fear of saying nigger or retard or faggot in public. It's actually kind of serious. I have had panic attacks about it in public. My therapist just ignored it when I brought it up. I need a diagnosis.
I guess all I can do is eat some kiwis and take my mirtazapine. Which I wish there was more. I want to take 4 xans and listen to Grimes Visionz. I want to drink a few black boxes of wine and see where that takes me.
Now, I ate some mirtazapine and some kiwis... I need about 15 minutes to help those things digest a little bit.
Yesterday is yesterday, today is today, things will never be the same. The world is whizzing. It was just summer now it is almost Halloween.
I have lived here for 10 years. That is remarkable. I think I miss painting. Oil or acrylic painting on canvas. I have a closet full of paintings collecting dust.
Sometimes I feel like an alien. I was raised in the Midwest. I have spent a lot of time by myself.
On October 26 2025 03:15 RiKD wrote:
I need to figure out some things to do beyond poetry and reading Bolaño. I can't always rely on those things to get me through. The obvious choice is to get to some AA meetings but is that truly obvious? I haven't liked going to those things in 10 years. I'm stumped. How does an out of practice recluse who doesn't drink go out and meet people at age 40?
play pokerrrrr, side hustle rikd play some tournaments learn gto then when u get a bankroll play some live tournaments and profit?
Poker is not happening. I was never really a tournament guy unless it was a main event or a big event. I did enjoy learning GTO though. Live tournaments are a definite no unless I can win a million bucks. I mean I would take scaled tournaments to my brokeness with good structure to be honest. I don't know of any live 10$ mtts with low rake with good structure that are well run.
I had 2 stints with poker in the last 5 years. GTO Wizard was a lot of fun but not fun enough. I was big winner on Ignition and ACR over relatively small samples but it just wasn't worth it for me. I'm happier studying poetry and reading novels.
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