Navigating through the seasons - Page 10

Phew. New page. New possibilities.

I think I am trending towards manic today. Time to attempt to slowwww down. I just want to keep going though.

hi rikd how's life?

I could feel the manic a bit yesterday. Not full blown or anything just trending towards manic. I took my medications and got a good night sleep and now I feel pretty spent from another day working. That's about it. I am working and trying to figure out how to live life.

How are you?

Today has been a lazy Saturday. I slept in 'til 10:30am. I handled the status of my prescription medications. Just kind of idled around until I hit the gym. I picked up the film Roma at the library. Read some Bolaño and took a nap. Now, here I am, now. I am listening to Daydreaming by Radiohead. How appropriate. Although all of this is with the knowledge that I have to work tomorrow and they could potentially try and call me in today...

I mean this is how Saturdays are supposed to go?

I need to figure out what I'm eating for my next meal. This is how I dreamed Saturdays could go when I am working and have the day off. Do I feel like reading more Bolaño or studying poetry? Go for a walk? These seem to be the limits of my life. Am I happy? Does it matter?

I really wanted to watch the film Yi Yi but the library didn't have it.

or Neon Evangelion whatever the rest of the title is or Chainsaw Man

There are a bunch of films I would like to watch. Like I said there are probably thousands between 1920 and today.

I have some white tea in me and I am listening to good music. On paper it's a perfect day. I am trying to think how I want to wind down. Roma or Bolaño? or both? Probably, both.

The revelation is that there are no revelations. At least not most of the time.

I realized today that when I go for walks with music, the music is bounding my experience and creativity. I am limited by the music I am experiencing. It may effect my mood and well-being in a good way but I am less likely to travel down untrodden paths unless it is music I have not listened to before. Maybe some avant-garde stuff or classical could have a positive effect.

I don't know why I'm so concerned with revelation and creativity. This is revelation in any form: musically, spiritually, artistically, but probably most of the time it's philosophically. I am still working out the anti-consumerism piece. It's pretty simple really just don't consume but I can not abstain from consumption. I'm even doing things like not putting any clothes in the dryer and driving less. My recent haircut at the barber's I'm not that big of a fan so I may go back to buzzcut + beard. Shaving is expensive. Hair product is expensive and kind of a pain. I still need food and I like to drink a coffee in the morning and white tea at night. I want to start eating more noodle soups. Fall/Winter is good for tea and soups.

As far as t-shirts are concerned I like oversized tall tees. Uniqlo makes an ok one but it's not tall enough and it's shitty polyester material. I tried to learn sewing once but I didn't have the patience for it. Same with pattern cutting. Actually, I never really tried to learn pattern cutting. It would be awesome to make my own t-shirts. A lot of mine are getting close to the end of their life since I just bought really shitty, cheap stuff from Amazon.

I am getting close to needing new jeans too. It's hard to repair a crotch blowout and with all the weight I've lost my pants are falling down.

I need some oxytocin in my life too. That's one thing I'm lacking for sure. Girlfriends are more than just oxytocin producers though for the good and the bad.

On November 08 2025 02:18 RiKD wrote: I could feel the manic a bit yesterday. Not full blown or anything just trending towards manic. I took my medications and got a good night sleep and now I feel pretty spent from another day working. That's about it. I am working and trying to figure out how to live life. How are you?

im pretty relax since I havent been playing much poker. was chilling at a park yesterday enjoying some sun. I havent seen much body of water lately need to go to a river or beach soon n get that good nature views. I dont know kinda bored without poker but at the same time I don't miss it. life is okay 6/10 cuz its getting cold n I just stay home a lot. seasonal sadness cuz lack of activities to do u know. I need to go to a warmer place when it snows but can't afford a trip aboard yet so just making the best of what I have right now. c'est ma vie atm

I felt like killing myself tonight. Just some random ideations. I was reading about a woman who was stabbed to death in Bolaño and thought how difficult it would be to stab myself 5 times in the torso fatally. Not the way to do it. Since I did not want to kill myself in that fashion or any other fashion I could think of I fantasized about drowning in red wine. That elusive drunk I can never quite experience ever again and that led to a mini-depression. My sponsor is in the psych ward or jail. I have not gotten a new one. So, I continue to share this stuff in journal fashion. I think in part it is due to naturally waking up at about 10am having to work 6am-2pm today and having to work 2pm-10pm tomorrow. I don't do well when my sleep gets fucked up. I noticed I was grouchy with low willpower today. I am attempting to stay up as late as possible tonight.

I did watch The End of Evangelion last night. I've been meaning to watch it for a while now and finally got around to doing it. I think that movie fucked me up a bit too. I would watch Yi Yi tonight but I don't think I can make a 3 hour movie at the moment.

I don't even care about the revelation at this point. I just want a good night's sleep and grace at work. Slowly, I am getting further and further away from ever finishing a novel. Maybe that is a good thing. Maybe that is a bad thing. Maybe that is a neutral thing. It doesn't really matter because I have no intention of writing it with the amount I am working. I'm not Faulkner. I'm not Bolaño. It really doesn't matter, I should find other things to put my attention towards. I could say the same for these journals but I think they save me (sometimes).

Just sitting here listening to some Andy Stott things don't seem so bad. The urge to buy something is there. To fill up the emptiness. The urge to scroll Reddit. The urge to seek out The Hooded Sweatshirt. I realized my Gildan hoodies the string fell out of the hood and I gave my gray one to Goodwill. The smart thing to do would be to repair the clothing I have instead of buying something new.

This is the vibe right now:



Touch, touch, touch, try so hard, touch, touch, touch, touch

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage. (Corgan)

I push hard for a breakthrough. I don't push hard for a breakthrough. The breakthrough is elusive. Who can predict when it comes or maybe it never comes. What do we do for the breakthrough?

I went out on a drive today to the library to check on the status of a book the library loaned from somewhere and maybe find a DVD to watch or maybe just walk around the library and discover something. I thought I had a mini-breakthrough on the drive or at least a breakthrough was looking through the cracks. I find this sort of thing happens on relatively purposeless driving. It's all gone now. No memory of what I was thinking on the drive. I did pick up Howl's Moving Castle on DVD at the library. My book should arrive at the branch tomorrow or Monday.

So, that is good news. I don't feel like killing myself tonight yet. I don't feel like drinking tonight yet. This is also good news. It ebbs and flows. I am getting older faster and faster. Instead of trying to conjure these breakthroughs maybe I should update my resume and get to work. Maybe I think the grass is greener at a Barnes and Nobles or an independent bookstore. I don't really know and I am still limited by my driving. It's extremely frustrating. Luckily, I have walks and the gym but I still think it's difficult to keep this frustration at bay. I am working a relatively shitty job just because it is close and I can drive there. The bigger issue is I don't necessarily think I am making the most of my "free time." My therapist says there are 2 jobs. One is a career and one is a job one works to support their hobbies. I don't think I agree with this. If one is employed they are never at rest for themselves. It is all rest for work. I can be fickle with hobbies. It all seems so hopeless. One hour I am totally engaged in a close reading of a poem and the next hour I want to scroll Reddit for oblivion. I usually can muster up the willpower to not engage with Reddit but it then leaves me in a restless and I may say frantic state. Or an empty state. A numb state. I just want touch. I try so hard. I just want touch. One thought in regards to going to the library I think I may run into my friend Lauren who gives the best hugs. She is a little bit overweight but is a great person and I would love to cuddle with her. If models were made for modelin', thick girls were made for cuddlin' (Andre 3000). I am dreadfully lonely and greeting strangers and superficial chatter is not enough.

Maybe, sometimes sitting and listening to really loud music and sometimes typing is what I need. It's what I find myself doing. It's how I cope. It's better than drinking or harming myself. This existence is quite a trip.

I am thankful I can find something like this to take me away for a bit:

-De8c&start_radio=1

That is only 20 min. undisturbed and furthermore how does one follow that act?

I am as restless and frantic as when I started. Empty, transcendence, empty, transcendence... What I need is meditation or something similar. I feel like I'm riding the experience machine with too much intensity.

Maybe this will help:



Masterpiece. Transcendence. Now, how to I follow that act!

It's impossible to continue to always follow great acts but where does that leave us?

Bored, restless, discontent. If only I could find God or something similar. I don't know how to do that though. I am in a weird mood. I feel somewhat satiated but left wanting more. Moving back and forth in my chair self-soothing. It's soothing but not enough. I need to touch grass but it's dark and cold. A white tea break is probably in order. Yes, that is what I'll do...

There is still an angsty teen inside of me. I want to be an adult. I want to revolt against being an adult. I want to revolt. I am angry and don't know what to do with that anger. I lift weights, I take walks, it doesn't seem to help. I am somewhat damaged. At least I am not bombed on alcohol and cocaine. That is probably the first step in the battle.

You know I need you for the Oxytocin.

Touch, touch, touch,
I try so hard,
touch, touch, touch.
I try so hard.

I think the music and white tea have smoothed it out a bit for me. I still don't know what I'm doing tonight but at least it feels better. You know I always have to be comfortable. In the sweet spot whatever that is. Put me back in the womb of a caring mother.

I was trying to get involved with something else like watching Howl's Moving Castle but I have a wash in the dryer and don't want to interupt the movie.

I don't know what made me think of this but I was thinking about hugs. I remembered I got invited to the it party back in high school. All of my crushes were there for the most part. They acted differently than they did in school probably because we were all a bit tipsy. I got hugs from the whole parade of hot girls. I felt in. I remember the next day driving some of the girls home in my '95 Dodge Caravan listening to OutKast Stankonia. That was 25 years ago. I was such a virgin yet I felt like such a boss.

I just wanted to get invited to smoke weed and go to the Dave Mathew's Band concert at the ampitheatre. Instead I was at home drinking a bottle of Kahlua and swallowing some Vicodins and passing out to 90s Japanese Pro Wrestling.

Waiting around to smoke weed and see Dave Mathew's Band at the ampitheatre. Waiting for Godot.

They were so happy to see me at the party. They were mostly positive yet somewhat indifferent to me in a school setting particularly some of them. I had the Outkast Stankonia cd with the naked lady on it which was bad ass but my mom threw it away.

Just put on some Jean Paul Gauthier Le Male for nostalgia. I think the smell has changed a bit. It's pretty old. Older than 10 years at least. I don't know if cologne goes bad. It still smells good just different.

From Somewhat Damaged to this in less than 2 hours. See what pumpkin pie and white tea can do?

(To be honest it's probably the mirtazapine)

I love this shit. I wouldn't do anything for the high though. That is not a good recipe.