We have drifted into a new season: Fall. I have employment. I feel like Bojack running up the hill.
I ate a bunch of food when I got home tonight. The only thing I want to do these days is read Roberto Boloña. I have to let that food settle for a bit. I have to let my thoughts settle for a bit. I didn't eat so much food that it was straight up terrible emotional eating I was just hungry but regardless I have to let it all settle. Working a late shift is always a bit awkward with sleep and eating. At least I have tomorrow off. The job was really killing me. My body couldn't handle all the bending, twisting, turning, and reaching. I was taking Tylenol and doing my best to rest up. THERE IS NO REST ONLY REST FOR WORKING! I think I just need to continue taking it day by day. Tonight was honestly pretty slow it wasn't too bad. I didn't need to take Tylenol or lie down.
I am grateful to still be alive but I do not know if I would rather have not been born. There is something in life. A human soul. A human spirit. It would be a tragedy to extinguish that. That is where my mind wanders. There is not really much pleasure in this job. It's not some project that seems worthwhile. The fact that I am an essential worker doesn't really make it any better. The problem with suicide is it is so god damn violent. Even going up Canada to sit in one of those machines that gasses me to death in 30 seconds is terrifying to me. I wouldn't want my parents to walk in on me dead: Slit wrists or hanging or shotgun blast or whatever. Sometimes in my mind it's inevitable. Especially from these years from 40-55 or so.
At least I have Roberto Boloña and my dog and my cat and my family. The Solitude never happened because I was working. Trapped in an establishment dealing with customers all day is the opposite of a Solitude. I wrote 0 words. I did read a lot though. White Noise by Don Delillo and Freedom by Jonathan Franzen were pretty great. Roberto Boloña is better.
I'm just navigating through this early Autumn. The weather gets very pleasant down here at this time. I have a lot of things to be grateful for. It just never feels that way for me. At least I have a day off tomorrow. That is what I am living for. The fleeting days off. Which so far were so anxiety ridden and frazzled and fragmented. I am just hoping I will adapt to the job. It's such a big part of my life now it's kind of jolting and revolting. I am used to lying in bed reading all day, taking the dog for walks, and generally being pretty idle. It is difficult to let go of frantic speed for hours upon hours. I am hoping I will adapt to the job. I wish there was an andante lightswitch I could hit when I'm not on the clock. It's still rest for work no matter how one slices it. There is no escape, there is no avoidance. Unfortunately, it has to be done. Which it is the adult thing to do. Even though it is embarrassing I'm surrounded by kids. It's not like I dropped out of high school to play poker. I have a degree. I'm not a dummy or maybe I am. It probably wouldn't even bother me if I had some sort of progress in the arts. 2 unpublished novellas in 2 years seems like the opposite of productive although I try not to look at it in the light of production. Production is for factories. I just want to live. I just want to live.
Just sittin' here listening to some downtempo music trying to wind down for the night. I don't think we'll come up with any profound revelations. Just me yappin'. There is no revelation. I go to work, I work, I come home from work and try to to stuff, then I sleep and do it all over again. I don't particularly like the work but I need it to survive. That's a bum deal. The job kind of sucks but someone's gotta do it. I don't know how to scale up from here with my limited driving and skills. It makes me depressed. I can't help it.
I don't know what I feel like doing. Yappin' I suppose. Trying to get away from work. I made it out to the gym today to get a shoulder workout in. That felt pretty good but I drank an energy drink that has still got me buzzin' a little bit. Not really a great buzz. It's one of those late night caffeine buzzes that buzzes in not a nice way.
I feel an affinity to Grimes. Maybe because one of my last manic episodes I was listening to primarily Grimes and right now I am listening to music she happens to like (Lorn, Balam Acab, etc.) that I happen to like. I saw her in fairy form in a splattering of cop lights one night. It felt like she was my protector. I would not say I am even a fan of her at this point but that manic episode and the album Visions has had a lasting impact on me.
I just sit around watching Roberto Bolaño interviews. He is a brilliant guy. I love reading his books. I love watching his interviews. I wish there were more interviews. I wish there were more books.
I need to figure out somethings to do in the night times. Now that I have been working my schedule is a little mixed up. The work is not very intellectually challenging but it still leaves me a bit frazzled. Every word I write on here is a word not in my novel except I need the inspiration to invent a story. I'd rather just read to be completely honest. So, there it is. I'm in a reading mode right now. The key is to get my mind off of work and wind down before bed. What do y'all do to accomplish this?
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failsafe United States. Oct 04 2025 06:31. Posts 1059
Hope you're doing good. I remember you from the last few times I posted. Hope you're keeping your head up. I'm a writer and I guess I travel a lot too!
On October 04 2025 05:31 failsafe wrote:
Hope you're doing good. I remember you from the last few times I posted. Hope you're keeping your head up. I'm a writer and I guess I travel a lot too!
I just feel like clicking at the keyboard, yappin'.
Does anyone have some remedies for back pain?
To be honest, when I'm off the clock things seem to undwind a bit but when I am in the heat of a workday I think everything gets tense and it causes me a lot of problems. I got some new shoes and my feet don't hurt anymore but my back gets fucked up. No bueno tio.
Listenin' to some Portishead in the crib. It makes life better.
I wonder if they'd let you in the suicide machine/pod all filled up with Ativan?
I am not really thinking too much about that today but I have to consider my options. All ativan'd up hoppin' in the suicide machine/pod sounds better than blowing my brains out with a shotgun.
I go to work. I go to appointments. That is what my life seems like. Of course, I am getting on LP yappin' all about it. You would think I would have some grip on life at this point. Loco once said I am a man yelling into a well. I think that is close. I am a man trapped in a well yelling outwards but no one hears me or discerns anything or just ignores me. I can't think too far ahead. It gets too grim for me. The problem is living day to day I get stuck in the present multiplied by days, weeks, months, years. It is hard to change with out a plan. My plan has been to survive the day, one day at a time. It's an old AA adage. I think it helps to keep things manageable. Not worry too much about the past or the future but I have to think about my future or I'm trapped, stagnant. I have to reflect on the past in order to change.
I could be writing my novel. My fucking novel that I may never write, fuck! But, everytime I go down this path it seems like I am just as happy reading great novels. That second novella man. I was really writing man. I miss it. I miss it. Maybe when I get some inspiration and I am not so enthralled with reading versus writing but the only real way to invent something out of nothing is to do it. We can always revise later.
I would prefer not to drink alcohol but man, if someone had a volcano bag full of chronic vapors I just don't know if I say no. That's just where I'm at right now. Luckily, there is no marijuana in the house and I have no idea how to get some. The next question is, will my mind obsess about this or nah?
I have a slab of uncut playing cards framed on my wall. Bacharat was a thing for a while. You get dealt a 10, J, Q, K then you get dealt a 4 across (9 is the best hand, 10 is the worst hand). That shit is ecstasy! I would go into this smoky casino full of sick asian gamblers. Sometimes I would be one of the only white people in there. I would never see asians around the town but somehow they were all in the casino gambling. The casino let everyone damage the cards so everyone would peel so ridiculous and tear up cards if they were pissed. Gambling is another addiction for me. It's best for me to stay away but there is gambling in everyday life. It gets tricky. It's actually not really a big deal today. It's not like I have a ton of money sitting around. I work to survive. I think I am generally risk averse these days.
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United States. Oct 02 2025 05:14. Posts 9460
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