Navigating through the seasons

Ativan + Fentanyl + Demoral + Suicide machine/pod is maybe what will get me through these dark nights.

Don't do drugs

Just sittin' here listening to some downtempo music trying to wind down for the night. I don't think we'll come up with any profound revelations. Just me yappin'. There is no revelation. I go to work, I work, I come home from work and try to to stuff, then I sleep and do it all over again. I don't particularly like the work but I need it to survive. That's a bum deal. The job kind of sucks but someone's gotta do it. I don't know how to scale up from here with my limited driving and skills. It makes me depressed. I can't help it.

I don't know what I feel like doing. Yappin' I suppose. Trying to get away from work. I made it out to the gym today to get a shoulder workout in. That felt pretty good but I drank an energy drink that has still got me buzzin' a little bit. Not really a great buzz. It's one of those late night caffeine buzzes that buzzes in not a nice way.

I feel an affinity to Grimes. Maybe because one of my last manic episodes I was listening to primarily Grimes and right now I am listening to music she happens to like (Lorn, Balam Acab, etc.) that I happen to like. I saw her in fairy form in a splattering of cop lights one night. It felt like she was my protector. I would not say I am even a fan of her at this point but that manic episode and the album Visions has had a lasting impact on me.

I just sit around watching Roberto Bolaño interviews. He is a brilliant guy. I love reading his books. I love watching his interviews. I wish there were more interviews. I wish there were more books.

I need to figure out somethings to do in the night times. Now that I have been working my schedule is a little mixed up. The work is not very intellectually challenging but it still leaves me a bit frazzled. Every word I write on here is a word not in my novel except I need the inspiration to invent a story. I'd rather just read to be completely honest. So, there it is. I'm in a reading mode right now. The key is to get my mind off of work and wind down before bed. What do y'all do to accomplish this?

Hope you're doing good. I remember you from the last few times I posted. Hope you're keeping your head up. I'm a writer and I guess I travel a lot too!

On October 04 2025 05:31 failsafe wrote: Hope you're doing good. I remember you from the last few times I posted. Hope you're keeping your head up. I'm a writer and I guess I travel a lot too!

What do you write?

Where do you like to travel?

failsafe is an illusive enigma.

I just feel like clicking at the keyboard, yappin'.

Does anyone have some remedies for back pain?

To be honest, when I'm off the clock things seem to undwind a bit but when I am in the heat of a workday I think everything gets tense and it causes me a lot of problems. I got some new shoes and my feet don't hurt anymore but my back gets fucked up. No bueno tio.

Listenin' to some Portishead in the crib. It makes life better.

I wonder if they'd let you in the suicide machine/pod all filled up with Ativan?

I am not really thinking too much about that today but I have to consider my options. All ativan'd up hoppin' in the suicide machine/pod sounds better than blowing my brains out with a shotgun.

I go to work. I go to appointments. That is what my life seems like. Of course, I am getting on LP yappin' all about it. You would think I would have some grip on life at this point. Loco once said I am a man yelling into a well. I think that is close. I am a man trapped in a well yelling outwards but no one hears me or discerns anything or just ignores me. I can't think too far ahead. It gets too grim for me. The problem is living day to day I get stuck in the present multiplied by days, weeks, months, years. It is hard to change with out a plan. My plan has been to survive the day, one day at a time. It's an old AA adage. I think it helps to keep things manageable. Not worry too much about the past or the future but I have to think about my future or I'm trapped, stagnant. I have to reflect on the past in order to change.

I could be writing my novel. My fucking novel that I may never write, fuck! But, everytime I go down this path it seems like I am just as happy reading great novels. That second novella man. I was really writing man. I miss it. I miss it. Maybe when I get some inspiration and I am not so enthralled with reading versus writing but the only real way to invent something out of nothing is to do it. We can always revise later.

Mirtazapine and cheese cake. Now, that's a night cap!

White tea and Nicolas Jaar. I am winning at life!

I used to get blazar'd beyond comprehension and listen to this album at night:

If someone handed me a joint right now I am not sure if I would turn it down.

Hopefully, I self-destruct on here so I don't self-destruct in real life.

I would prefer not to drink alcohol but man, if someone had a volcano bag full of chronic vapors I just don't know if I say no. That's just where I'm at right now. Luckily, there is no marijuana in the house and I have no idea how to get some. The next question is, will my mind obsess about this or nah?

I have a slab of uncut playing cards framed on my wall. Bacharat was a thing for a while. You get dealt a 10, J, Q, K then you get dealt a 4 across (9 is the best hand, 10 is the worst hand). That shit is ecstasy! I would go into this smoky casino full of sick asian gamblers. Sometimes I would be one of the only white people in there. I would never see asians around the town but somehow they were all in the casino gambling. The casino let everyone damage the cards so everyone would peel so ridiculous and tear up cards if they were pissed. Gambling is another addiction for me. It's best for me to stay away but there is gambling in everyday life. It gets tricky. It's actually not really a big deal today. It's not like I have a ton of money sitting around. I work to survive. I think I am generally risk averse these days.

Tobacco is one I wish I could get away with doing. I love nicotine. It's a good thing I stay away.

I'm just navigating. Navigating through the seasons.

Man, so high that I can't even open my eyes and think ghosts are stalking me:

-bjQ&start_radio=1

Is that the pinnacle of life?

I mean the room is pitch pitch black. I'm under the covers because our house is haunted. It's almost too much. I don't have experiences like that anymore.

White tea + Nicolas Jaar (!!!)

-r_k&start_radio=1

I'm so calm, I'm so cool,
white tea and chocolate coursing through my veins,
oranges and kiwis blossom in my soul,

I was never exposed to poetry my entire life mas o menos. I was in Honors English my freshman year and seemed to be settled on that AP track except I dropped out because I did not want to do the summer reading. 3 stinking books. I read 3 books a week today. The problem was the first book was called The Joy Luck Club and it was not a great book. Why the teacher chose this book is beyond me but I got through it. I read it. I think the other book was The Red Badge of Courage which seemed kind of awful too. The other book was any book of my choosing. I could not read these 2 stinking books. Since I dropped out of the AP track and there was no more room in any classes the only opening was like a remedial English. They didn't call it remedial English but the class was full of fuck ups. Actually, it was quite entertaining at times but I didn't learn shit.

I picked up The Norton Anthology of Poetry from my good friend Emma. It is formatted terribly in the Kindle but some of it is still readable. A little late to try to learn poetry but better late than never. I basically just opened the large tome to a random page and started reading. A lot of it is quite good.

I write mostly about my life. I write about my life as fiction, or science fiction, or even fantasy. But regardless of the genre it is personal experience. I haven't published anything lately.

The most interesting observations I've made that are generally applicable is that creatine is a little suspect (any white powder is). Creatine is a lifter's supplement.

Guaifenesin (an expectorant) specifically is the second because it mixes poorly with alcohol. DayQuil (rather than NyQuil) is dangerous to drink even a little while you're using it. It's because of Guaifenesin.

Third and most difficult is back in old times 25+ years ago cartels used to sell cannabis cut with ether (the anesthetic). Ether is such an old school anesthetic for medicinal herbs that it was suggested as Ether / Bombos / Quake in LttP. Literally since forever, syndicate / cartel cut with an anesthetic. Obviously unless you smoked weed back in 1990 or something you would have no idea. So young people today never have to worry about this.

On October 08 2025 18:29 failsafe wrote: Third and most difficult is back in old times 25+ years ago cartels used to sell cannabis cut with ether (the anesthetic). Ether is such an old school anesthetic for medicinal herbs that it was suggested as Ether / Bombos / Quake in LttP. Literally since forever, syndicate / cartel cut with an anesthetic. Obviously unless you smoked weed back in 1990 or something you would have no idea. So young people today never have to worry about this.

Interesting...

I live in California. A lot of the weed we have here comes straight from the source (usually Santa Cruz or some other forest-y area).

On October 08 2025 01:26 failsafe wrote: I write mostly about my life. I write about my life as fiction, or science fiction, or even fantasy. But regardless of the genre it is personal experience. I haven't published anything lately.

Invention based on personal experience.

On October 08 2025 18:29 failsafe wrote: The most interesting observations I've made that are generally applicable is that creatine is a little suspect (any white powder is). Creatine is a lifter's supplement. Guaifenesin (an expectorant) specifically is the second because it mixes poorly with alcohol. DayQuil (rather than NyQuil) is dangerous to drink even a little while you're using it. It's because of Guaifenesin. Third and most difficult is back in old times 25+ years ago cartels used to sell cannabis cut with ether (the anesthetic). Ether is such an old school anesthetic for medicinal herbs that it was suggested as Ether / Bombos / Quake in LttP. Literally since forever, syndicate / cartel cut with an anesthetic. Obviously unless you smoked weed back in 1990 or something you would have no idea. So young people today never have to worry about this.

I probably should take creatine. I have gotten great results from it in the past but for some reason I haven't used any creatine for the past 11 months.

Why is creatine suspect?

It's a shame I only sort of know German and I only sort of know Spanish. The ship has probably sailed on those 2 languages. I'd have to move to a German speaking country or a Spanish speaking country to have a chance. The best bet at this point is to continue to improve my English. Which that is no easy feat either.

Does anyone have any poetry suggestions? The Norton Anthology of Poetry I have is formatted so terribly it's hard to read and it's so large it's a little overwhelming.

I have to let my medications and some food settle in.

I am listening to "audifonos con cable - Sumérgete en un panorama imaginario de paisajes sonoros atmosféricos."

I worked for some time today, took a walk, then I lifted weights. I feel pretty spent.

This is my life. It's difficult not to be in the depression range. I think if I had something, anything my life could be a bit better. Whether that is social connection or some form of art. I think even if I was writing bad poetry my life would be better but I don't know how.

I need something. We always need something. I need something beyond water, food, shelter, health insurance.

I'm so atomized. Most of my co-workers are high school kids... and they do the job better than me.

I realized I had bought Selected Poems by Dylan Thomas ages ago so I am reading that. I think I would prefer to read a broader, well-formatted anthology but you have to go with what you've got.

Sometimes I wish I could smoke cigarettes but I know that is a mistake. I still have an occasional coffee and my fair share of dark chocolate.

I am currently eating these delectable little nuggets of dark chocolate and ginger. It might be one-third of my diet. This is an exageration.

I found a modern and contemperary poetry class on coursera that seems promising so that is good.

It's cooler here, rainier. It sure beats the oppressive heat of the summer but I didn't log on to talk about the weather...

This poetry class is turning out to be enjoyable. We are doing deep dives on Emily Dickenson and Walt Whitman. I did not realize how deep poetry could be.

Work is work. I try not to think about it too much on my days off but when it is just me and the void a lot of my thoughts tend towards work. It is not rest for leisure's sake, it is rest for work's sake. It's dissapointing. I liked it better when my thoughts drifted towards philosophy and untrodden paths. I don't feel particularly lonely. I talk to people all day albeit many times it's superficial. I miss and keep missing the Other. I miss and keep missing human connection on a deeper level. So, in that sense I guess I am lonely but I can just read a Bolaño and the loneliness seems to drift away. There is something to that. It works and not on a superficial level. I am filled to the gills with greetings and superficial chatter at work which is working on some level but I really get my satisfaction at home by myself reading poetry and Bolaño. I was always a borderline extrovert/introvert. What I am missing is intimate relations with females, maybe some 1 on 1 time with close friends, and socializing in small groups. I honestly want less time at work too which I could probably survive on. The thing is I could get this equation well balanced and still want more which is why I want less. I want to need less or I should be scaling up? I still struggle driving which knocks out a lot of potential social life. I also lack the time and energy with working so much. Maybe I will figure it out or maybe I won't.

For now, I can just be happy I have found this poetry thing and that there is Bolaño. It's not always going to work of course. Perhaps, the small group socialization can only occur from AA. I have no desire to hit up venues like bars, clubs, lounges if I'm not surrounded by fellow teetotalers. Meeting friends for lunch or coffee is a possibility. Dating seems impossible. I have embraced my inceldom and am so far down the totem pole it just seems impossible. Entry level job and living with my parents is not a catch. This would be the only reason to scale up my life. Well, there is another reason which would be being able to retire and not work until I die.

And I have a number of tasks that seem to be piling up. It's more difficult getting this stuff done when I am working so much and want to at least try and enjoy my days off to some extent.

Question:

My laptop runs on Microsoft 10. Microsoft is going to stop supporting Microsoft 10. I don't have the hardware requirements to run Microsoft 11. What do I do?

Is Linux the answer?

Or would that be a hopeless endeavour for a chobo like me?

It seems like I have 4 options:

- Update to Windows 11 with Rufus
- Linux time
- Try to upgrade hardware
- Don't upgrade

It's a Lenovo Thinkpad from like 2015.

A problem is I have nothing to write apart from writing about how I don't write. I can't write poetry. I am just learning it. I don't know a stanza from a sonnet. It seems I am out of inventiveness in regards to novels. I remember the times writing my novella. There were times that I was truly alive. Of course, it can be daunting facing the blank page and the blinking cursor but when times were good we were realling flying. Better than codeine.

My laptop (Lenovo Thinkpad from 2015) has Microsoft Windows 10 and needs an upgrade to Windows 11 to be supported by Microsoft but my hardware does not meet the requirements to upgrade.

It seems like I have 4 options:

- Update to Windows 11 with Rufus
- Linux time
- Try to upgrade hardware
- Don't upgrade

Which option would you choose?

I have an old computer (2014 Mac) as well and I need to upgrade to do more things but im content with the things I can do with it mostly YouTube n surfing the net so its fine.
I use to love poetry as well but haven't had the desire to write any as of late.
I guess maybe its time for me to hit the gym again as I have so much free time n gym kills 1 hour or so of the day n gets me healthier

back from the gym, quick 30-40m workout I feel happier endorphins haha. I wouldn't upgrade just let it be like me

On October 14 2025 19:05 lostaccount wrote: I have an old computer (2014 Mac) as well and I need to upgrade to do more things but im content with the things I can do with it mostly YouTube n surfing the net so its fine. I use to love poetry as well but haven't had the desire to write any as of late. I guess maybe its time for me to hit the gym again as I have so much free time n gym kills 1 hour or so of the day n gets me healthier

The difference with Windows vs a Mac is I think there are more security issues to worry about with a Windows.

Gym kills more than an hour for me. There is pre-game prep like food and caffeine and generally getting ready. The actual workout probably takes me 40 min. 15 min. there and 15 min. back. Then there is post-game nutrition and chilling out. Plus, the post-game high is real.

On October 14 2025 19:54 lostaccount wrote: back from the gym, quick 30-40m workout I feel happier endorphins haha. I wouldn't upgrade just let it be like me

I don't have a problem letting it be with a mac. I had a Macbook Pro from 2009 that I got rid of only within the last year or two but with Windows I think there are potentially a lot of security problems.

I need a Death Cafe. We all need a Death Cafe. I just had some banana bread and I'm drinking white tea. My neighbor puts up a bunch of decorations for Halloween. He makes his frontyard into a cemetary with tombstones and skulls and coffins. A student once asked Heidegger, "How does one be authentic?"
Heidegger responded, "Walk through a cemetary." Which I think is brilliant but Baudrillard says there is no such thing as authenticity. I drive by this cemetary on my way to work and on my way home from work and I walk by it twice when giving the dog a walk. I keep getting pangs that I don't want to be working a retail cashier job. What else should I be doing? I don't know if there is anything else I should be doing at this point in time. So, then it moves on to my life. How am I spending the rest of my life? Do I really feel like reading 30 min. of Walt Whitman poetry at this point in time? If I'm really lonely or bored there is Bolaño. There is always Bolaño!

David Foster Wallace said one of his breakthroughs in art was watching Blue Velvet by David Lynch. Apart from some debts to Hitchcock it was a truly Lynchian experience. In art, we have to find ways to be truly ourselves or at least as close as we can get. I do agree with the Baudrillardian notion that there is no such thing as authenticity. We all have debts to people, culture, really everything; the good and the bad and the ugly.

What do we do with this knowledge?

Part of me just wants to do a bunch of drugs at a music festival.

Maybe don't obsess over it. I'll drive myself mad trying to be authentic and realizing it's impossible. I could wear all black and go to some beat poetry in Brooklyn and find clones. The marketers get the idea to sell black t-shirts and then what?

Do I have to have a unique haircut?

Flaubert said: "Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent and original in your work."

So many perspectives. I do agree with Beethoven that music is a higher revelation than all wisdom and philosophy. Doing a bunch of drugs and going to a music festival or even just singing karaoke or playing the drums hits different.

Most social spheres are full of clones.

I don't really fit into social spheres and I never have. It's a real problem if I didn't know myself or have books to read and dogs to walk. Like I said though, I would like some 1 on 1 time with a romantic partner, some 1 on 1 time with close friends, and some time outside in small groups. I have repeated myself on a lot of this stuff which means it's important but at the end of the day if I have some banana bread, white tea, and Bolaño I'll be alright.

I don't know if I'm ever going to get there on the authenticity topic. I've been going 'round and 'round for a while now. It's similar to the idea of determinism. We are all shaped by our culture, experiences, society. To say there is no such thing as society is absurd. La vie est absurde. That doesn't mean I have to picture Sysiphus happy. Sartre was big on authenticity. We are free to live the lives that we want. Radically free. We are a sum of our actions. Sartre did pretty well for himself. Why can't I be more free? Maybe this is the life I always wanted. Maybe I am free.

I am not free but I am about as free as I can be... today.

How could I be more free?

The brain is a chaotic flood. It goes where it goes.

Does anyone know a way I can make more money for less responsibility?

Solve stuff related to the barter economy and destroy communism. Time is money when everything is identical in everyone's language. There is no modern parlance or vernacular. There is no colloquial and there is no point including things that everyone is aware of. People have a lot of the same thing and that thing is communism (what makes a thing vs. a good).

Everyone's Doge coin is pinned to Shiba and every Shiba coin is pinned to Doge. Ein vs "doge" we'll never solve Welsh Corgi vs Shiba. Shiba coin and Doge coin are not the same.

Ein is a Welsh Corgi.

Doge is a Shiba.

The Present is Now! The Present is Now!

I am no freer than I am right Now. If I was on a yacht on fentanyl on Kate Upton on fentanyl on the Mediterrean on Earth under the Sun would I be freer in that moment? No. Even if she was 22 and the yacht was larger than Besos?

I am trying to make this a stream of consciousness sort of thing. Obviously, I will fail. I am not the size of my yacht. Maybe I would like a modest fiberglass sailboat with an aluminum mast. That should suffice but I don't want to die at sea. Who wouldn't want to slide the D, into Kate Upton at age 23?

A problem for me on Earth is that I have tasted fentanyl. That might be the ultimate for an addict like me.

The present is now. I am free now, now, now, now, now, now i Am Freee NOW NOW NOW

Going to space would take a little more preparation. I don't think I want to do that in this lifetime.

I want to dance i want to sing i want to run naked down the beach and take a swim

i don't really like cold plunges. the science isn't really behind them doing much so I don't partake. saunas on the other hand i happen to love. i found out i'm 12% Finnish. All my Russian, Ukranian, Polish ancestry actually comes from Finns way back in the day. I also found out that I have Native American in my blood. Not much but it's at least 1 drop which makes me a Native non? A blond haired, blue eyed Native American. That was probably from my Scottish heritage that came down to Prince Edward Island and those whereabouts.

I strive to be more free. Do we want our brains to be rampaging floods or neatly contained boxes on plots of grass?

What if I get the thought to call a black person "nigger"?

I don't mean them any ill will it's just something that pops into my brain. I have to remember all the black people that have been lovely in my life. But, what if the black person is being dumb?

I wish I didn't have those thoughts. I wish I didn't have thoughts about killing myself. I don't have the outlets of expression that I need.

I am not on life support. I don't have ALS. I don't have scars on my blood vessels in my eye that will cause me to go blind (yet, yet, yet). I would say it's fairly nice to be alive. My OD said I have to keep my blood sugar down (which I have my A1C was 4.8 a week ago) but it's possibly that my blood vessels in my eyes bleed and cause scarring that will cause blindness in 10 years.....

I am free to live life to the fullest until I may go blind in 10 years. I may go blind tomorrow. I may die tonight.

I am dancing NOW. I don't have to wear RICK OWENS to be cool. I'm cooler than that ole geezer anyways. What a faggot.

The key to my wardrobe this fall is a jacket I've had since I was 14 and a fleece that I got from REI on sale from $200 down to $50 from Patagonia that's a 3x but drapes on me like a comfy blanket and I wear it everyday because I love it. I spray myself with Yves Saint Laurent THE NIGHT OF THE MAN because I like parfumed rooms. It's an AURA. I like going for walks with my dog in non-parfumed air aka outside. I like breathing. I like seeing. I like hearing. Sunsets and Floating Points keep me going. I maybe losing my mind a little bit but it's ok. It's just a journal. At least I'm not hallucinating, yet. I sprayed way too much YSL THE NIGHT OF THE MAN. I got a little too excited and sprayed it everywhere. I wonder if it's strong enough to smell from downstairs. Hopefully, it's strong enough to mask dirty laundry and uncleaned bedsheets.

I am not really free to do anything. I can't do drugs. I can't drive to anywhere I want to go. There is a lot I cannot afford. In a way it's ok though. I am studying poetry, I am reading Bolaño, I am going for walks.

Walt Whitman said something like he gave up competing for the usual things to become a poet. I think that I wish to become a poet. Maybe I've always been one in spirit. Or, maybe, the only requirement to be a poet is to write poetry in which I fail. I am enjoying studying poetry though.

It seems like I take my mirtazipine and eat a kiwi and then gravitate towards this journal. I need it the more hours I have to work at a job. Maybe when I learn enough about poetry I can replace LP with poetry. Like I said, I don't even know the difference between a stanza and a sonnet.

I need some sort of solitary pursuit to carry me through the nights. Poetry would be perfect. I've tried just about all I can think of.

I still get the urge to use tobacco products. I am French and Native American it's no wonder the pull is so strong.

I just love drugs.

Even a nice cup of coffee is scrumptious.

Again, I don't think there are any revelations on the rise. Maybe they are lying just below the simmer. It's just nice clicking the keys of the keyboard. klick klick klick klick klick klack cklikckkkk ckklaakckkkk

I am a sum of my actions. Too many nights on LP = ????

I just got back from training and I am still feeling the high. There was one absurdly attractive woman in there today. I don't know what I go for but sometimes an obsenely aryan woman lights the loins on fire. She was tall, blonde, blue eyed with a long braided pony tail. Fair enough to be my aryan viking bride. She was doing back excersizes with a backless top. I am liking that trend in the gym.

I am in chill mode. I have on a black t-shirt, blue jeans, and no belt. I didn't put any product in my hair today.

Sometimes I think I go for the opposite of aryan. Black, Asian, Latina, some strange mix. My penis wanted to impregnate this chick at the gym though. I was seduced. I wanted to please her. Luckily, there were other objects, I mean women in the gym that dimmed Viking princess's Aura.

lostaccount, how is your training going?

I don't know the answers. Going to the gym seems like a good answer. Old t-shirts and old jeans seems like a good answer. Brooks Ghost running shoes seems like a good answer. I'm still deciding if I want to be clean shaven or keep my beard. A simple haircut seems like a good answer. YSL cologne seems like a good answer. Toro y Moi seems like a good answer. Studying English (poetry) seems like a good answer. Reading Bolaño seems like a good answer. Walking the dog seems like a good answer. Getting a good night sleep seems like a good answer. Hanging out with friends seems like a good answer. Being grateful seems like a good answer.

Why am I so damn restless then?

Maybe because I consumed 300mg of caffeine this morning.

training is okay planning on going 2-3 times a week.

On October 17 2025 00:03 lostaccount wrote: training is okay planning on going 2-3 times a week.

Good Shit.

I am coming to the realization that I have to work tomorrow. The good news is that I had some tea and feel quite calm. The bad news is time is running out.

I have been doing some singing and some dancing to try and escape. I cannot escape. I choose to study poetry. I choose to follow butterflies. I choose to breathe the open air. The silhouette of palm trees among the mauve muhly grass at sunset. I cannot dance enough. I cannot drink enough.

My liver is doing so well, it would be a shame to throw it all down the toilet.

I close my eyes and try to... and try to... and try to compose myself.

This is existence is serious business. I am going to die. A speck of dust that is shackled to money. I do not wish to compete for the usual things. That is my choice... or is it?

I don't want a brand new Mercedez Benz. I don't want children. Even weddings seem complicated and out of the question.

I miss reading Berserk.

I miss writing my novella.

I miss wet mouths and wet vagina.

There is surely more to life...

I try to not want what I want but I want what I want. Protect me from what I want (Jenny Holzer). When I think I need what I want when I just want what I want we have a problem. I don't want to need anything or anyone.

It seems impossible to get money without responsibility but there has got to be ways. Better ways.

Sometimes it doesn't seem like there is much to life.

I guess I go and take my mirtazapine and eat my kiwi and read and pass out and go to work tomorrow and do it all over again.

I just had some mirtazapine. Maybe I should up the dose of mirtazapine. I just had some kiwi. Maybe I should up the dose of kiwi. I just had some dark chocolate. Maybe I should up the dose of dark chocolate.

So many options and I choose to listen to music and post journals. It feels so comfortable here. Especially with the white tea and mirtazapine. Add in some xanax and fentanyl and I'd really be doing ok...

One day I was at a camp in the forest. We ate eggs, bacon, and pancakes. Drank coffee. Drank energy drinks. Smoked cigars. I went out into the forest with an axe and started chopping down dead trees. I then chopped the trees into logs. I then took the log and put it on my shoulders and started doing lunges along a field. "He's not alcoholic..." was the verdict of the day.

I am alcoholic and I don't do a whole lot to treat it but what is there really to do to treat it?

Work an honest job?
Help people?
Talk about it?

Not that anyone on here would know much about recovery. Not that there is even anyone on here.

5 minutes past midnight. The mirtazapine is doing it's work. I am calm. Ready for sleep. Listening to Floating Points on my expensive yet very old headphones. I see a cluttered desk, a cluttered room. Not enough time, not enough time. The climax of the song is wonderful. All there is to do is turn the dial of sound higher. Enjoyment, finally some enjoyment.

I really enjoyed the recent poems that I read. William Carlos Williams and Allen Ginsberg. I feel an affinity to Emily Dickinson, Walt Whitman, William Carlos WIlliams, and Allen Ginsberg. I so want to be a poet but I still don't know how.

I have to be honest. I went to a German restaurant tonight for my dad's birthday and I really wanted a litre of Octoberfest beer. What I really wanted was my favorite beer of all time New Glarus Spotted Cow which is only sold in Wisconsin.

My sponsor is in a psych ward or in jail. I am not sure which one it is. He's also a very good friend. Engulfed with conspiracy theories and delusions of grandeur. It all mashed together. He may have to stay in a psych ward permanently or jail.

Who am I even talking to?

Most of the time it doesn't matter. I remember when I first discovered Rothko, first discovered painting. We humans need identities. I could do a better job at being a retail cashier. I could engage more in chatter. Be more enthusiastic. It's hard to force an energy level though. It's even worse to be an imposter.

Wow, 4th page, I have been journaling quite a lot lately.

I just had some cake and tea and I'm ready. Calm and ready. Ready for what? Who knows.

I'm tired, I'm spent, I think all of my willpower was used up today and I have none left. Maybe not even enough to read a short poem which is something I would enjoy. I am listening to Numb by Andy Stott. I am tired enough to be numb. Most occupations are a bummer. Use all of the time, energy, willpower on the job and come home an undead zombie. It's tempting to just throw on a streaming service and become an even more undead zombie. Maybe journaling is another undead zombie endeavour for me. It's less effort than studying poetry or reading Bolaño.

I just write whatever is on my mind. I'm really digging Andy Stott tonight. The music is what is keeping me from doing something else.

I'm so tired I don't even want to think about death, authenticity, The Good Life. The good life is listening to music which is a higher revelation than wisdom and philosophy (Beethoven). Beethoven was biased but I don't think that he is wrong.

A little THE MAN OF THE NIGHT by YSL to make my nose a little happier. My indescriminate nose. It doesn't turn off. It is always on. I may as well treat it to some sweet smelling parfum. I have to be a consumer of this parfum for this little boost in joy.

It is now the time of the night that we discuss mirtazapine and kiwis. I might want to go on a higher dose of mirtazapine and kiwi.

I have studied quite a lot of poetry tonight albeit my LP journaling habit. Do I study another poem? I don't think I am quite ready to lie down and fall asleep yet.

roses are red violets are blue rikd is a G lol

I just woke up from a nap with a fierce erection. How do we manage a libido? I masturbated yesterday without pornography, only flashes of images and memories. I ended up coming to an image of a co-worker. She is too young or presumably not interested in dating me. It also strikes me as a bit awkward the next time I talk to her but I cannot help my wants and desires or even predict them. Patrice O'Neal said the only reason he had sex anymore was to provide him with images and memories to jerk off to. It's much more straightforward to jerk off to pornography. It's much more straightforward to seek out or find a pornstar that we desire.

I've had my mirtazapine, I've had my kiwi. It's time to wind down and eventually get some sleep.

Ich wandere - I wander

I am listening to some Portishead and some Radiohead in the crib. That just seems like a good moment. A moment that can only last so long. In fact, the moment is now over and a new moment arises. Perhaps this moment could be even something more than the last? But, alas this moment shall pass.

I don't know what I am doing on here. I don't feel like studying poetry and I don't feel like reading a novel. I do feel like listening to music. The music part of me is starting to get hungry again. Now that I am employed a bass guitar is more in my reach. I don't know if I will go down that path though. Workin' and stumblin' and fumblin' and rumblin' and ramblin' and gamblin' and damn man just seems better than codeine and waitin' around to die.

In writing these journals I am waitin' around to die but not exactly. Earlier I listened to When I Die by MGMT. When I hear this song I am confronted with death which makes me question my authenticity and what I am doing with this life. It also reminds me of Loco who put me on to that album. This site once had an interesting bunch of people. Now, it is just lostaccount and myself. I would say we are at least some what interesting but clearly not the melting pot LP once was. What a weird fucking existance all this journaling is. I feel that I need it to cope. I had family in town the other night and didn't need it. It didn't even cross my mind. The nights are dark by myself. I don't even think socializing will mend that. Sliding the D into a wet and wanting vagina, touch, feel, embrace, kiss, I can't help but want it. Now that I am getting a paycheck I want more of a paycheck. I want a better job and a better job and a better job. Will I have the discipline to acheive that? The jury is out. But I shouldn't get ahead of myself like that.

This is a song I found recently that I have been diggin' a lot:

-cE&start_radio=1

It works in the gym. I have been in a phase where I mostly listen to groovy songs due to more volume in my workouts.

All this writing and no revelations. I miss music. That is one revelation.

What do you think about BR management and floating your income scheme? So, I've got 20 priceless objects, $100, and I want to play NL25/50. If I sell one priceless object I'm rolled for maybe a million dollars playing NL$5K. But, I think I'll lose it in about 5 days. What do you think? Are the other 19 priceless objects restricting my BR?

Why even play poker if you are going to lose it in 5 days? $20 million is more than enough to retire and live a good life.

On October 21 2025 13:06 failsafe wrote: What do you think about BR management and floating your income scheme? So, I've got 20 priceless objects, $100, and I want to play NL25/50. If I sell one priceless object I'm rolled for maybe a million dollars playing NL$5K. But, I think I'll lose it in about 5 days. What do you think? Are the other 19 priceless objects restricting my BR?

they are priceless if u dont sell it but has a price if u do sell it but lol

On October 21 2025 14:33 RiKD wrote: Why even play poker if you are going to lose it in 5 days? $20 million is more than enough to retire and live a good life.

1M usd if spent correctly is more than enough to live a great life if u invest it well

https://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/30...ve-off-forever-could-done-how-676914/

yea I aint reading that thread lol, way too much posts.

1M my portfolio would be 300k gold, 300k silver, 3% crypto, 30% stocks, 7% other things

The thread boiled down to $30k/yr after inflation and taxes. Obviously, it would be tough to live in a major city. Living in the city center is out. Bonus for living in the middle of nowhere in a mud hut with roomates and fasting most days. You could also watch paint dry, play video games, or read books from the library. If you must eat then go kill a deer and put it in the freezer. Get used to eating the same thing for 5 days straight. You could also live in a closet and eat cat food. Leaving the house puts you in danger of busting the daily entertainment budget of $10.

I definitely had a taste of this living. Actually I was full on surviving for a long time (I still am). Reading books from the library and walking the dog only got me so far. Most jobs suck but it does provide socializing and an income versus being stuck in the house.

the f they only getting like a 5% roi? thats pathetic I know I can get at least 15% which would be 150k pre tax so after tax maybe 100k n you can live anywhere.

but 30k in ASEAN is king living though except Singapore and maybe half a king in Malaysia

On October 23 2025 21:58 lostaccount wrote: the f they only getting like a 5% roi? thats pathetic I know I can get at least 15% which would be 150k pre tax so after tax maybe 100k n you can live anywhere.

I am not confident I could get at least 15%. Maybe if that was my sole vocation but it's not so I can't comment.

"Poetry is the only thing that is not shit." (Roberto Bolaño)

Which is why I am immersing myself in it. The hunger for music is creeping back in though. I wish to traverse down unbounded, untrodden paths.

I wish to play, dance, sing, hover, levitate.

On October 23 2025 21:59 lostaccount wrote: but 30k in ASEAN is king living though except Singapore and maybe half a king in Malaysia

I would bet $100k might not go very far in Manhattan.

I don't really feel like budgeting it all out in Asia but what does living like a king look like for you?

My inclination is to drink until my liver gives out. Listen to Jason Molina and cry. Let's hope poetry is satisfying enough.

I don't think I want to live in a mud hut. I don't want to be a rice farmer either. It would be cool to have a flourishing garden however. I used to help my grandmother with her garden. I wouldn't want to eat rice and vegetables for every meal. It's strange that we have all these possibilities in life but do we? Do I? I can't drive very far in this city. I have a liberal arts degree. I am somewhat limited in what occupation I can hold onto.

I want to make more money so I can do more and have more flexibility and I would like to retire at some point and not have to work until I die.

But, working so much literally hurts my back and I have no time or energy to do anything. Even on my days off there is this underlying pang that I have to work again.

I want tobacco, chocolate, and cocaine. Even if it kills me.

On October 24 2025 02:00 RiKD wrote: Show nested quote + On October 23 2025 21:59 lostaccount wrote: but 30k in ASEAN is king living though except Singapore and maybe half a king in Malaysia I would bet $100k might not go very far in Manhattan. I don't really feel like budgeting it all out in Asia but what does living like a king look like for you?

Yea you probably live okay in Manhattan with 100k.
Living like a king = 2+ girls for fun, drink as much as you want, a maid to clean your place and eat good food plus some other things I might have missed.

On October 24 2025 01:58 RiKD wrote: "Poetry is the only thing that is not shit." (Roberto Bolaño) Which is why I am immersing myself in it. The hunger for music is creeping back in though. I wish to traverse down unbounded, untrodden paths. I wish to play, dance, sing, hover, levitate.

good

what's the plan for Friday Rikd? watching the playoff game? I got money on LA cuz I like money more than the blue jays lol but I would never bet against the Vancouver Canucks cuz I like them more than money though

The plan for Friday is I worked until 10 pm EST then I came home and had some dinner which included a lot of chocolate, and now I am thinking about drinking some Chinese white tea and winding down. Maybe read some poems and watch roundtable discussions on them.

But first I'm going to post on LP

On October 24 2025 06:45 lostaccount wrote: Show nested quote + On October 24 2025 02:00 RiKD wrote:   On October 23 2025 21:59 lostaccount wrote: but 30k in ASEAN is king living though except Singapore and maybe half a king in Malaysia I would bet $100k might not go very far in Manhattan. I don't really feel like budgeting it all out in Asia but what does living like a king look like for you? Yea you probably live okay in Manhattan with 100k. Living like a king = 2+ girls for fun, drink as much as you want, a maid to clean your place and eat good food plus some other things I might have missed.

I was living good in Buenos Aires by that standard then and Chicago.

I gotta tell y'all:

Walking out of work tonight I heard the people at the local bar and I almost just walked over to get a meal. When drinking was at its best I would come home dirty from the steel mills, fill up a huge glass of wine, take a shower and the sauce fixed me. I don't have anything that straightforward these days and I don't think I can ever get that back. Today, I have dark chocolate, kiwis, mirtazapine, white tea, and music. It's not as straightforward and frankly it doesn't work as well as alcohol once did but the alcohol does not work like that for me anymore. Ever since the breaking point I drink myself into a stupor and can't stop thinking about killing myself. I throw empty bottles of wine across the room and sit on the couch crying.

To change the subject, now that I have some money coming in it could be digital drop time or electric bass time. We will see. I am mostly into poetry and reading at the moment though and living a somewhat bohemian lifestyle. I go back and forth. I mean I live in a gated community without many artists. In some ways I try to be a normal person but I have always been a bit unconventional.

This Flaubert quote really hits the mark with me:

"Be regular and orderly in your life, like a bourgeois, so that you may be violent and original in your work."

I still don't know what authentic means. There is no such thing as authentic as Baudrillard said but there is maybe something close. It's not really something to get too caught up in. I wear a uniform at work and it is freeing in a way. I have always liked the idea of crafting a uniform outside of work as well. Most of my clothes are pretty stupid, old, raggedy. I wear them because I am poor. One of the issues is most cheap clothing is shitty and does not hold up well. I could probably now afford some boxer briefs that aren't raggedy and have holes in them. I really should clean my room. Maybe I will make that a priority tomorrow.

I want to smoke tobacco. I want to eat dark chocolate. I want to snort cocaine. That would really get me going.



Georg Trakl died of a cocaine overdose at age 27.

To be honest, I have been around cocaine a lot in my life but I never tried it. Now, I am wishing that I tried it and thinking that maybe I should try it even though most people on cocaine are insufferable. Yeah, on second thought it's a terrible idea.

The thing is the mirtazapine, kiwis, dark chocolate, and white tea are not strong enough. I want something stronger.

I don't know what I want. Protect me from what I want. I am motivated to do some cleaning tomorrow. I'm glad that became clear in this writing. P E A C E.

On October 25 2025 02:50 RiKD wrote: Show nested quote + On October 24 2025 06:45 lostaccount wrote:   On October 24 2025 02:00 RiKD wrote:   On October 23 2025 21:59 lostaccount wrote: but 30k in ASEAN is king living though except Singapore and maybe half a king in Malaysia I would bet $100k might not go very far in Manhattan. I don't really feel like budgeting it all out in Asia but what does living like a king look like for you? Yea you probably live okay in Manhattan with 100k. Living like a king = 2+ girls for fun, drink as much as you want, a maid to clean your place and eat good food plus some other things I might have missed. I was living good in Buenos Aires by that standard then and Chicago.

I live like a king in Van -_-; , aka pretty freaking great.

"To be honest, I have been around cocaine a lot in my life but I never tried it. Now, I am wishing that I tried it and thinking that maybe I should try it even though most people on cocaine are insufferable. Yeah, on second thought it's a terrible idea."

I tried but its not that good for me anyways, iono but its not for u n me thats for sure. I dont know why ppl do that shit.


"The thing is the mirtazapine, kiwis, dark chocolate, and white tea are not strong enough. I want something stronger."

try or do fasting for 30 hours, I did fasting for like 3 days wasn't easy at all

P E A C E

On October 24 2025 23:02 lostaccount wrote: what's the plan for Friday Rikd? watching the playoff game? I got money on LA cuz I like money more than the blue jays lol but I would never bet against the Vancouver Canucks cuz I like them more than money though

this is not true, I did hedge last year but I never bet against them in the Stanley cup, I wonder if I will see one in my lifetime -_-. I also realize fk my bets Lets go blue jays <3

ill take a L on my bets for WS for Canada

I am sitting here sippin' some coffee. I don't want to drink alcohol or snort cocaine or take a bunch of benzos so that is good.

lostaccount, I think it is better to go all-in on your team meaning make a large bet on your team. Only if you can get a decent price. The sweat is much better.

This is a fierce poem:

"The rose is obsolete..."
by William Carlos Williams
[from Spring and all, 1923]


The rose is obsolete

but each petal ends in

an edge, the double facet

cementing the grooved

columns of air—The edge

cuts without cutting

meets—nothing—renews

itself in metal or porcelain—


whither? It ends—


But if it ends

the start is begun

so that to engage roses

becomes a geometry-—


Sharper, neater, more cutting

figured in majolica—

the broken plate

glazed with a rose


Somewhere the sense

makes copper roses

steel roses—


The rose carried weight of love

but love is at an end--of roses



It is at the edge of the

petal that love waits


Crisp, worked to defeat

laboredness—fragile

plucked, moist, half-raised

cold, precise, touching


What


The place between the petal's

edge and the


From the petal's edge a line starts

that being of steel

infinitely fine, infinitely

rigid penetrates

the Milky Way

without contact—lifting

from it—neither hanging

nor pushing—


The fragility of the flower

unbruised

penetrates space

On October 25 2025 15:45 RiKD wrote: I am sitting here sippin' some coffee. I don't want to drink alcohol or snort cocaine or take a bunch of benzos so that is good. lostaccount, I think it is better to go all-in on your team meaning make a large bet on your team. Only if you can get a decent price. The sweat is much better.

you are right I made a big bet on them to win now. GL us. the odds were good cuz I think they will win in 5 now

I don't think I mind working tomorrow although it is a Sunday and it will be tough. I am dreading the part of the schedule where I work 6 days in 1 week. I guess I just take it a day at a time. That's all I can do.

One of the problems with employment is I don't necessarily have the leverage to get the schedule I want. I don't make my own schedule.

I did a general inventory of my wardrobe today. I did a lot of cleaning. 3 items got the boot to Goodwill. In one case it was a flowery shirt that I just never wear. Not that I am against flowers but this one was far too flowery. The other 2 were kind of cheap fast fashion numbers. I have a shit ton of Dickies socks that I bought along time ago and all of them are in great shape. Same for my Carhartt stuff. Same for my Levi's stuff. Same for my LL Bean stuff. I am thinking I just go with well made American clothing like outer wear and work wear stuff just simply as a practical the stuff is comfortable and lasts notion. My Red Wing boots are still kicking all these years later.

I don't feel like double checking all my articles of clothing right now but all those American companies I mentioned are not actually manufactured in the USA and are made somewhere in Asia or elsewhere (ie Mexico). They still seem to last better than cheap clothing from China / Indonesia / etc. I have enough clothing to get me through the fall / winter so that is good but if I had to buy new clothing I don't even know where I would start.

I am just killing time waiting for my sheets to get out of the dryer. I am sick of studying poetry. I don't really feel like reading Bolaño at the moment. It's nice to just chill and listen to some Squarepusher.

Just killing time listening to some Boards of Canada.

Again, I don't know if there are ever going to be revelations. I suppose cleaning my room was a micro-revelation. Working is part of my life now. It's just the way it is. It's like I'm chomping at the bit to get back into the consumer game. It's depressing actually. Flashes of everything I can now buy are haunting me and the fact is I still can't really afford much which causes frustration. I don't need clothes. I barely leave the house. I have plenty of clothing. I find myself in a bit of discomfort when the poetry and the reading stops working. It's like I am unable to lose myself in music at the moment. Buying more music equipment may or may not help with this.

I could probably use an AA meeting or an AA sponsor or any kind of social connection that goes beyond greetings and superficial chatter. My AA sponsor is in the psych ward or in jail and I don't know anyone else to fill in for that role.

I don't have any aspirations to live like a king under lostaccount's definition. I don't need any of the criteria.

However, I would like to live above survival.

I need to figure out some things to do beyond poetry and reading Bolaño. I can't always rely on those things to get me through. The obvious choice is to get to some AA meetings but is that truly obvious? I haven't liked going to those things in 10 years. I'm stumped. How does an out of practice recluse who doesn't drink go out and meet people at age 40?

On October 26 2025 03:11 RiKD wrote: However, I would like to live above survival.

fuck that live to thrive, at least. you dont need to live like a king but live to thrive rikd

On October 26 2025 03:15 RiKD wrote: I need to figure out some things to do beyond poetry and reading Bolaño. I can't always rely on those things to get me through. The obvious choice is to get to some AA meetings but is that truly obvious? I haven't liked going to those things in 10 years. I'm stumped. How does an out of practice recluse who doesn't drink go out and meet people at age 40?

play pokerrrrr, side hustle rikd play some tournaments learn gto then when u get a bankroll play some live tournaments and profit?

On October 26 2025 08:46 lostaccount wrote: Show nested quote + On October 26 2025 03:15 RiKD wrote: I need to figure out some things to do beyond poetry and reading Bolaño. I can't always rely on those things to get me through. The obvious choice is to get to some AA meetings but is that truly obvious? I haven't liked going to those things in 10 years. I'm stumped. How does an out of practice recluse who doesn't drink go out and meet people at age 40? play pokerrrrr, side hustle rikd play some tournaments learn gto then when u get a bankroll play some live tournaments and profit?

Poker is not happening. I was never really a tournament guy unless it was a main event or a big event. I did enjoy learning GTO though. Live tournaments are a definite no unless I can win a million bucks. I mean I would take scaled tournaments to my brokeness with good structure to be honest. I don't know of any live 10$ mtts with low rake with good structure that are well run.

I had 2 stints with poker in the last 5 years. GTO Wizard was a lot of fun but not fun enough. I was big winner on Ignition and ACR over relatively small samples but it just wasn't worth it for me. I'm happier studying poetry and reading novels.

On October 26 2025 08:44 lostaccount wrote: Show nested quote + On October 26 2025 03:11 RiKD wrote: However, I would like to live above survival. fuck that live to thrive, at least. you dont need to live like a king but live to thrive rikd

What does thriving look like?

I wanted to end there but I also wanted to post this music video no one will watch:



and another:



Maybe do another Banks:

Now, the flood gates have opened. I don't know if I have much to say tonight though. I don't have work tomorrow so I have time to analyze. What if I don't want to analyze? I don't know what I want to do which is why I revert to trying to figure that out in journal form. I don't want to study Gertrude Stein but I don't want to play poker either. First thing that comes to mind is taking a bunch of benzos and listening to Grimes Visionz.

I have this fear that I am going to say nigger or retard or faggot in public. The brain is a hurricane. You never know where it's going to go. It can not be contained...

Caribou is a great musician. I love caribou. and banks. and thom yorke even though he is a israel apologist. i am doing an experiment where i just type whatever comes to mind. there is a book called the artist's way that says to just write stream of consciousness for pages to get it all out of the system in order to do your art. lcd soundsystem is pretty good. i always liked that song tribulations. i saw them perform live in buenos aires. my friend and i were smoking hella joints and then he said security was coming to get us but we would always get really high and he would always try and prank me/ scar eme. to this day i don't know if that is a prank but i smoked as much of the remainder of the joint that i could and then threw it down below the crowd level and thesse security guys walked right by us and i was like shit but was it a coincidence? it was straate. he was the guy that would get me ridiculously high and try and prank me but not so much that it lost credibility. he was a master at bluffing. really. he was probably the best poker player at bluffing that i ever encountered. anyways, lcd soundsystem was great

queens of the stone age better through chemistry or w/e just came on i am multitasking on discord

i was never much of a WoW player. my brother was. i think if my brother could change something it would be to have the time and attention to play video games and watch anime. and i am spending my tmie yappin all ove rthe page with this shit. this complete and utter bullshit.

It is amazing how certain songs evoke memories. Like memory trees. They may invoke the memory tree everytime the song plays?

Like, if I want to go to sleep at around midnight or one o clock that is 3'ish more hours that I am conscious. What they fuck am I doing with this consciousness? I am condegmned to be born and then die, I am condegmned to have a consciousness and I use it to write about my fear of saying nigger or retard or faggot in public. It's actually kind of serious. I have had panic attacks about it in public. My therapist just ignored it when I brought it up. I need a diagnosis.

I guess all I can do is eat some kiwis and take my mirtazapine. Which I wish there was more. I want to take 4 xans and listen to Grimes Visionz. I want to drink a few black boxes of wine and see where that takes me.

Kanye



I miss

I love



Ezra Pound was a nazi sympathizer.

What the fuck is wrong with these people?

This song is hitting the mood right now:

Now, I ate some mirtazapine and some kiwis... I need about 15 minutes to help those things digest a little bit.

Yesterday is yesterday, today is today, things will never be the same. The world is whizzing. It was just summer now it is almost Halloween.

I have lived here for 10 years. That is remarkable. I think I miss painting. Oil or acrylic painting on canvas. I have a closet full of paintings collecting dust.

Sometimes I feel like an alien. I was raised in the Midwest. I have spent a lot of time by myself.

On October 27 2025 00:14 RiKD wrote: Show nested quote + On October 26 2025 08:46 lostaccount wrote:   On October 26 2025 03:15 RiKD wrote: I need to figure out some things to do beyond poetry and reading Bolaño. I can't always rely on those things to get me through. The obvious choice is to get to some AA meetings but is that truly obvious? I haven't liked going to those things in 10 years. I'm stumped. How does an out of practice recluse who doesn't drink go out and meet people at age 40? play pokerrrrr, side hustle rikd play some tournaments learn gto then when u get a bankroll play some live tournaments and profit? Poker is not happening. I was never really a tournament guy unless it was a main event or a big event. I did enjoy learning GTO though. Live tournaments are a definite no unless I can win a million bucks. I mean I would take scaled tournaments to my brokeness with good structure to be honest. I don't know of any live 10$ mtts with low rake with good structure that are well run. I had 2 stints with poker in the last 5 years. GTO Wizard was a lot of fun but not fun enough. I was big winner on Ignition and ACR over relatively small samples but it just wasn't worth it for me. I'm happier studying poetry and reading novels.

I meant play live poker not online poker

On October 27 2025 00:14 RiKD wrote: Show nested quote + On October 26 2025 08:44 lostaccount wrote:   On October 26 2025 03:11 RiKD wrote: However, I would like to live above survival. fuck that live to thrive, at least. you dont need to live like a king but live to thrive rikd What does thriving look like?

having everything u need and a lot of wants

On October 27 2025 13:09 lostaccount wrote: Show nested quote + On October 27 2025 00:14 RiKD wrote:   On October 26 2025 08:46 lostaccount wrote:   On October 26 2025 03:15 RiKD wrote: I need to figure out some things to do beyond poetry and reading Bolaño. I can't always rely on those things to get me through. The obvious choice is to get to some AA meetings but is that truly obvious? I haven't liked going to those things in 10 years. I'm stumped. How does an out of practice recluse who doesn't drink go out and meet people at age 40? play pokerrrrr, side hustle rikd play some tournaments learn gto then when u get a bankroll play some live tournaments and profit? Poker is not happening. I was never really a tournament guy unless it was a main event or a big event. I did enjoy learning GTO though. Live tournaments are a definite no unless I can win a million bucks. I mean I would take scaled tournaments to my brokeness with good structure to be honest. I don't know of any live 10$ mtts with low rake with good structure that are well run. I had 2 stints with poker in the last 5 years. GTO Wizard was a lot of fun but not fun enough. I was big winner on Ignition and ACR over relatively small samples but it just wasn't worth it for me. I'm happier studying poetry and reading novels. I meant play live poker not online poker

I could probably find a relatively small private game to get involved in but it's a matter of driving there. Live poker is not a bad suggestion.

On October 27 2025 13:09 lostaccount wrote: Show nested quote + On October 27 2025 00:14 RiKD wrote:   On October 26 2025 08:44 lostaccount wrote:   On October 26 2025 03:11 RiKD wrote: However, I would like to live above survival. fuck that live to thrive, at least. you dont need to live like a king but live to thrive rikd What does thriving look like? having everything u need and a lot of wants

I think I just about have everything I need. Wants is a whole 'nother can of worms.

On October 27 2025 15:21 lostaccount wrote: + Show Spoiler +

I am not a fan of Ted talks typically. I did watch this one in its entirety. Thank you for trying to help. I don't consider myself a polymath as I have published ZERO. The closest to published that I have is a number of paintings are hanging up in peoples' dwellings. Even when I was in solitude I didn't really produce anything and certainly nothing compared to Leonardo Da Vinci or anyone else worthy of calling a polymath. Now, that I am employed I am mostly too tired to create (which is also sad). If polymath denoted random blog output I would be a hella polymath.

I just got back from the gym. That is what I needed. There is a woman that is in there all the time that is incredibly fit. Probably about my age or younger. I was doing incline bench press. I caught her looking at me. Then she just stood in my path on her phone. Then I went to do machine bench press and she loitered in my view. Then she saw I was doing machine bench press and went to do the machine row literally right in front of me. She had on a backless top so I could see her incredible back muscles through a range of motion. I don't know what the deal with that was. I think some of these gym thots get horny just like anyone else and probably more. She could smell the horniness on me as well as my expensive body wash. The one that I get compliments on but was too broke to purchase for a while. She doesn't know I am a retail cashier that lives with my parents. Even so I am having a lot more of these coincidences happen so it's either I am delusional (more confident) but even if I am more confident the likelihood of this kind of stuff happening is more likely. I think it's a combination of this and the fact that I am bringing in a paycheck but most importantly I am actually leaving the house and in social situations much more often. I just need a cooler job that pays more so I can get out of my parents' home and I could probably date successfully. Also, it's not fun being a broke loser but if I could write poetry it kind of goes with the territory. I'm not a broke loser I'm a poet! So, my options are get a cooler job and make more money or write poetry (or both).

It's funny. I've done some research. Almost nothing is made in the USA anymore in regards to clothing. Nothing globally is Union Made. It's a good thing I don't need any clothing this fall / winter. I am mostly concerned with working conditions for humans but also there are animal considerations in regards to the materials used. There is a part of me that enjoys researching and getting nit picky but there is also a part of me that wants to throw my hands up and sigh in despair.

"There is no ethical consumption under capitalism."

Fast fashion made in sweat shops made with animal materials would be the worst option as they also typically don't even fit well and fall apart pretty quickly.

The problem is there is some serious sticker shock for "ethical/sustainable" clothing. Which is why it is important to be a bit of a minimalist and only shop at thrift stores or buy fewer pieces that will last longer.

The only item of clothing I have bought recently was a Patagonia fleece I bought on clearance for $50 because I was freezing in my bro's house. I have probably worn the damn thing 50 times since then so there is a lovely word called amortize. Ideally, I would have asked my bro to not have the AC on so low or just grabbed a blanket but I didn't do that. We can improve and get better every day.

Anyone seen any good films lately?

I've been having a hankering for a good film.

I am looking for some change, some revelation.

Just listening to some Air in the crib winding down for the night.

I asked ChatGPT what movie I should watch. It told me Paterson. I told it I already saw Paterson and it was like seriously, you should watch it again. So, I did. I love that movie.

My pace studying poetry has slowed down a bit but that is due to working everyday for as long as I can remember. Tomorrow is the last day of this portion of the odyssey until I get a day off. My back is killing me and my neck is killing me. Pray for me to get through tomorrow ok.

FEAR OF GOD, ISSEY MIYAKE, RICK OWENS, I don't need any of this stuff. I am set for Fall/Winter. So, why do I want this stuff? THIS STUFF?

I just want to chill in the crib listening to Air and not be in pain (now, tomorrow, ever). Unfortunately, that is not possible. Unfortunately, that is not possible. That is not possible. Unfortunately, that is not possible. It is not likely. It is not probable. It is not possible.

I want to do something constructive. Not pound on the keyboard here in hopes of change and revelation. It really just gets me the same things.

On October 29 2025 03:14 RiKD wrote: Anyone seen any good films lately? I've been having a hankering for a good film.

Same.

2025 has been a terrible year for new movies. Seems like every year after the pandemic has been shit for new movies.

I'm not even talking about new movies. I am sure there are thousands of movies from 1920s to now that are worth a watch it just feels difficult to link up with these movies. ChatGPT does an ok job but I have this friend P that had a knack for suggesting the right movies at the right times. He is a living encyclopedia of cinema. Unfortunately, he's in the psych ward or jail. Loco never failed me either but he's obviously too busy making money and trying to beat the stock market which is wise since better returns in the markets is the only thing we really can do to make our lives and our retirements better. Most people are maxed out on their job / ability to make money. Investing there is still potential to put skill points there. I don't like the strategy of working until I die and I don't like the strategy of eating catfood and living in a closet. It was cool watching all of this Loco curated film at the time but now it would feel sad or weird or I don't know what the word is to describe if Loco suggested a flim of the week or something like that. Some things we must discover ourselves. Plus, if I get a hit of a good movie I am just going to want more. I could easily just use Letterboxd but ChatGPT might be better.

Calm, white tea, pink muhly grass.

I wear a uniform to work and it is kind of liberating. I wish I was an artist so I could wear a uniform all the time. Without fashion getting the hooks in. I don't know why I fall for it constantly. I've always liked shining balls of color as a cat has an attention span.

Calm, mirtazapine, silence between songs.

Corporations

Like clockwork The Corp. I work for took down their Halloween decorations and put up Christmas decorations almost instantaneously. Like literally in a blink of an eye. One second it was Halloween the next second it was Christmas. It mirrors reality. One second it is Halloween the next second it is Christmas. Pretty soon it will be 2026 and I will have the collective unconscious urge to change, to improve, to advance. It seems like yesterday my fingernails were short and neat and now they have grown out of control. The times I'm not wearing socks my toe nails have done the same. I think I need a haircut which means it's already too late. It's already too late. It's not too late to do something. I can cut my nails and get a haircut and feel good about myself. I can leverage my current job to get a better job. It will take work. I feel so far down the totem pole but it is possible. I always wanted to just eke out a living. Make pottery down by the river. I want to be outside of society somehow yet I am too weak. I want to be apart of society. I want to be outside of society but I want to be apart of society. It's conflicting wants. What is true is sometimes I need to be alone. Like right now. Work can be a lot sometimes because I tend to be introverted...

Maybe I'll cut my nails.

REVELATION IS IN THE ROUTINE!

ANTI-AESTHETIC IS AN AESTHETIC!

ANTI-CONSUMERISM IS THE WAY!

It all starts blurrrring togetherrrr....

Just remember hoe'ing around and catching syphilus isn't cool guys.

Just remember hoe'ing around and catching syphilus isn't cool guys.

Living in extreme poverty isn't cool either.



Benjamin Franklin doesn't blink. You've lost the negotiation. Carry your chains with dignity and grace.

Sometimes primal screaming seems appropriate.

Or lifting weights really intensely.

There has got to be more out there. There has got to be more out there.

I've had some warm banana bread and hot white tea. One contradiction in my life is that I want a non-aesthetic aesthetic yet I'm spending 5 days in the gym looks maxxxx'ing and spending quite a bit on toiletries. I'm following designer brands. I'm following. I'm not leading. I'm following. There are leaders, there are followers, I'd rather be a dick than a swallower (Ye).

I just paid a bunch of bills. Bills suck but it feels good to pay them and still have money. It feels good to pay them with my money. I can actually start paying down some credit card debt. So, I am still in survival mode until that gets paid down. It feels good to throw a chunk of money at that chunk of debt though. The only good thing about credit card debt is that it's pretty simple investing strategy. Unless I am missing something it seems pretty straightforward to just pay down the debt as fast as I can. It's not since I have gotten away from paying interest that I can try to round up an interest for myself in the markets.

So, no digital drop or Fender P Bass in my future unless I get it for Christmas. I realize I might need to get some new clothes for Fall/Winter 2025 because I am still losing weight and my pants are falling down.

I found out something cool today. I want to read Barroness Elsa: Gender, Dada, and Early Modernity by Irene Gammel. Amazon had it in hardcover for $100, paperback for $50, and used for $30. My friend Emma only had it in a PDF format. The county libraries did not have it but I went down to the local library and got a library card and they are trying to set me up with the book from another library in the USA. If it works that is pretty sweet.

Anti-consumerism is the main thing. Anti-consumerism without losing my mind. I could go to Thailand and be a rice and vegetable farmer and live in a mud hut and fast more days than not but that is not realistic. Just as being a buddhist monk is not realistic. I have to find my own way. Finding a cooler job that pays better is one way. Writing poetry that does not suck is potentially another way. This is mostly if I want to get laid ever again. I actually think being celibate is acceptable but getting laid would be more fun. I have to figure out a way to find stuff to do beyond drinking white tea and posting on LP. The poetry is all well and good. The Bolaño is great. Not all the time though. Following designer brands is pathetic. Fashion always seems to find a way to get the hooks in. I don't really know a way to completely stop this from happening besides hopefully acknowledging when I am in fact eating hooks. Window shopping is pathetic. I've watched every RICK OWENS runway show on YouTube. I still need to wear clothes.

“Let there be a little country without many people. Let them have tools that do the work of ten or a hundred, and never use them. Let them be mindful of death and disinclined to long journeys. They’d have ships and carriages, but no place to go. They’d have armor and weapons, but no parades. Instead of writing, they might go back to using knotted cords. They’d enjoy eating, take pleasure in clothes, be happy with their houses, devoted to their customs.” (Lao Tzu)

I'm not trying to be an ascetic. I would like to take pleasure in clothes.

I do take pleasure in clothes but when is enough enough?

Do I feel like studying?

Not really. Kind of a rough one at work today. Underscheduled and it's really impossible to do the work of two people and I refuse to do the work of two people. If you do too good of a job they'll just continue to under schedule and it's a vicious cycle. The question is will I start applying to other places over this one incident? The answer is no even though I should be applying to other places anyways.

A nap, some white tea, and some mirtazapine and a lot of the tension of the day has melted.

I did some poetry study and now I am just relaxing and listening to some music. A novel is such a huge project. Maybe I should get started with poetry or short stories. The problem is the poetry I am reading is so good it is inspiring yet also discouraging at the same time. At least now I can explain the difference between a stanza and a sonnet. I can even explain the difference between an "Italian sonnet" versus a "Shakespearian sonnet." I am learning!

"144 1234"

All good things must come to an end. I wish to vacay in Paris. Engulf myself in pinot noir in Burgundy. Literally, drown in the stuff.

I may not have any vacays left in me. If I was a billionaire I'd go to Japan and France on a private jet. So, much for my anti-consumerism... It's easy to be relatively anti-consumer when broke. When broke and paying off consumer debt.

Today, there was this really attractive woman paying in cash. When I handed her the change our hands touched. I'm so lonely and now I'm fixating on pinot noir. Back in my drinking days Black Box made a great cabernet sauvignon but not a pinot noir. There were pinot available in boxed wine but most of them weren't great. One could get a pretty good pinot for $10 out of Oregon. I ventured into the $25 range for some really good ones. Not very baller. I did have a Veuve Clicquot habit that cost $60 / bottle at Costco.

What do you do to breathe, to feel, to feel alive? (Stinkfist, Tool)

I have no interest in getting fisted. Although, I did get a blowjob and my prostate fingered by a sex worker while my blood alcohol content % was at .4. I remember that being lovely. She then rode cowgirl without the hands. She was pretty good at what she did.

It's obvious I miss human touch.

And we are tomorrow's dust. A simulated blur. My neighbor's cemetery is taken down and will eventually be Christmas. It will eventually be Christmas. Sooner than we think. Do I want a Digital Drop or a Fender P Bass? I could play the P Bass through a portable 10 W amp and just trash the thing (the amp). A P Bass and a proper amp is a pretty penny. Maybe I will just go with getting some new clothes.... Oh geez, don't get started on clothing...

yup



This song is making me want to fuck around with synthesizers again.

This song is making me want to fuck around with women again.

Synthesizers and women: Two great things in life.

Marketing rules the world.

Anti-marketing is still marketing.

It sucks to be contrarion and wrong but it could be worth the risk of being contrarion and right!

Oh well, nothing matters, let's smoke a bowl, watch HBO, and jerk off to an American Apparel Ad Girl.

I think one thing women want is a hunter. They don't want hunted. They don't want deer in headlights.

Most women are allergic to broke. However, most of us have known a woman that has dated a broke artist. I don't know if I've ever seen it end well. All I have to do is find a woman that likes my painting or my poetry and I am in! It probably won't end well but we all eventually die and it won't matter. Drinking white tea and posting on LP is almost the equivalent of smoking a few bowls and watching HBO and jerking off to American Apparel ad girls. I could spend a lifetime doing it and where would it get me?

There is more revelation in routine than typing all of these journals or maybe it's a close race. I am talking waking up in the morning, taking a shower, getting dressed, eating breakfast, taking a shit, brushing my teeth, driving to work. The revelation is more likely to come in these moments than really trying to fight for it?

Or, maybe I am not fighting for it. I am massing journals to get to somewhere but many times it just brings me back to my journals.

I'd rather be out with a woman, with a friend.

We will die.

We will get old and sick.

I rang up this old woman today. She asked for 2 packs of cigarrettes. She was on one of those motorized carts. Miserable lady - micro-managing every last thing I did when it's like a $50 order. I help her out to her car. She drove a brand new high end Mercedez Benz SUV. It felt like karma that she was infirm but we will all get infirm if we don't die first.