We have drifted into a new season: Fall. I have employment. I feel like Bojack running up the hill.
I ate a bunch of food when I got home tonight. The only thing I want to do these days is read Roberto Boloña. I have to let that food settle for a bit. I have to let my thoughts settle for a bit. I didn't eat so much food that it was straight up terrible emotional eating I was just hungry but regardless I have to let it all settle. Working a late shift is always a bit awkward with sleep and eating. At least I have tomorrow off. The job was really killing me. My body couldn't handle all the bending, twisting, turning, and reaching. I was taking Tylenol and doing my best to rest up. THERE IS NO REST ONLY REST FOR WORKING! I think I just need to continue taking it day by day. Tonight was honestly pretty slow it wasn't too bad. I didn't need to take Tylenol or lie down.
I am grateful to still be alive but I do not know if I would rather have not been born. There is something in life. A human soul. A human spirit. It would be a tragedy to extinguish that. That is where my mind wanders. There is not really much pleasure in this job. It's not some project that seems worthwhile. The fact that I am an essential worker doesn't really make it any better. The problem with suicide is it is so god damn violent. Even going up Canada to sit in one of those machines that gasses me to death in 30 seconds is terrifying to me. I wouldn't want my parents to walk in on me dead: Slit wrists or hanging or shotgun blast or whatever. Sometimes in my mind it's inevitable. Especially from these years from 40-55 or so.
At least I have Roberto Boloña and my dog and my cat and my family. The Solitude never happened because I was working. Trapped in an establishment dealing with customers all day is the opposite of a Solitude. I wrote 0 words. I did read a lot though. White Noise by Don Delillo and Freedom by Jonathan Franzen were pretty great. Roberto Boloña is better.
I'm just navigating through this early Autumn. The weather gets very pleasant down here at this time. I have a lot of things to be grateful for. It just never feels that way for me. At least I have a day off tomorrow. That is what I am living for. The fleeting days off. Which so far were so anxiety ridden and frazzled and fragmented. I am just hoping I will adapt to the job. It's such a big part of my life now it's kind of jolting and revolting. I am used to lying in bed reading all day, taking the dog for walks, and generally being pretty idle. It is difficult to let go of frantic speed for hours upon hours. I am hoping I will adapt to the job. I wish there was an andante lightswitch I could hit when I'm not on the clock. It's still rest for work no matter how one slices it. There is no escape, there is no avoidance. Unfortunately, it has to be done. Which it is the adult thing to do. Even though it is embarrassing I'm surrounded by kids. It's not like I dropped out of high school to play poker. I have a degree. I'm not a dummy or maybe I am. It probably wouldn't even bother me if I had some sort of progress in the arts. 2 unpublished novellas in 2 years seems like the opposite of productive although I try not to look at it in the light of production. Production is for factories. I just want to live. I just want to live.
Just sittin' here listening to some downtempo music trying to wind down for the night. I don't think we'll come up with any profound revelations. Just me yappin'. There is no revelation. I go to work, I work, I come home from work and try to to stuff, then I sleep and do it all over again. I don't particularly like the work but I need it to survive. That's a bum deal. The job kind of sucks but someone's gotta do it. I don't know how to scale up from here with my limited driving and skills. It makes me depressed. I can't help it.
I don't know what I feel like doing. Yappin' I suppose. Trying to get away from work. I made it out to the gym today to get a shoulder workout in. That felt pretty good but I drank an energy drink that has still got me buzzin' a little bit. Not really a great buzz. It's one of those late night caffeine buzzes that buzzes in not a nice way.
I feel an affinity to Grimes. Maybe because one of my last manic episodes I was listening to primarily Grimes and right now I am listening to music she happens to like (Lorn, Balam Acab, etc.) that I happen to like. I saw her in fairy form in a splattering of cop lights one night. It felt like she was my protector. I would not say I am even a fan of her at this point but that manic episode and the album Visions has had a lasting impact on me.
I just sit around watching Roberto Bolaño interviews. He is a brilliant guy. I love reading his books. I love watching his interviews. I wish there were more interviews. I wish there were more books.
I need to figure out somethings to do in the night times. Now that I have been working my schedule is a little mixed up. The work is not very intellectually challenging but it still leaves me a bit frazzled. Every word I write on here is a word not in my novel except I need the inspiration to invent a story. I'd rather just read to be completely honest. So, there it is. I'm in a reading mode right now. The key is to get my mind off of work and wind down before bed. What do y'all do to accomplish this?
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failsafe United States. Oct 04 2025 06:31. Posts 1063
Hope you're doing good. I remember you from the last few times I posted. Hope you're keeping your head up. I'm a writer and I guess I travel a lot too!
On October 04 2025 05:31 failsafe wrote:
Hope you're doing good. I remember you from the last few times I posted. Hope you're keeping your head up. I'm a writer and I guess I travel a lot too!
I just feel like clicking at the keyboard, yappin'.
Does anyone have some remedies for back pain?
To be honest, when I'm off the clock things seem to undwind a bit but when I am in the heat of a workday I think everything gets tense and it causes me a lot of problems. I got some new shoes and my feet don't hurt anymore but my back gets fucked up. No bueno tio.
Listenin' to some Portishead in the crib. It makes life better.
I wonder if they'd let you in the suicide machine/pod all filled up with Ativan?
I am not really thinking too much about that today but I have to consider my options. All ativan'd up hoppin' in the suicide machine/pod sounds better than blowing my brains out with a shotgun.
I go to work. I go to appointments. That is what my life seems like. Of course, I am getting on LP yappin' all about it. You would think I would have some grip on life at this point. Loco once said I am a man yelling into a well. I think that is close. I am a man trapped in a well yelling outwards but no one hears me or discerns anything or just ignores me. I can't think too far ahead. It gets too grim for me. The problem is living day to day I get stuck in the present multiplied by days, weeks, months, years. It is hard to change with out a plan. My plan has been to survive the day, one day at a time. It's an old AA adage. I think it helps to keep things manageable. Not worry too much about the past or the future but I have to think about my future or I'm trapped, stagnant. I have to reflect on the past in order to change.
I could be writing my novel. My fucking novel that I may never write, fuck! But, everytime I go down this path it seems like I am just as happy reading great novels. That second novella man. I was really writing man. I miss it. I miss it. Maybe when I get some inspiration and I am not so enthralled with reading versus writing but the only real way to invent something out of nothing is to do it. We can always revise later.
I would prefer not to drink alcohol but man, if someone had a volcano bag full of chronic vapors I just don't know if I say no. That's just where I'm at right now. Luckily, there is no marijuana in the house and I have no idea how to get some. The next question is, will my mind obsess about this or nah?
I have a slab of uncut playing cards framed on my wall. Bacharat was a thing for a while. You get dealt a 10, J, Q, K then you get dealt a 4 across (9 is the best hand, 10 is the worst hand). That shit is ecstasy! I would go into this smoky casino full of sick asian gamblers. Sometimes I would be one of the only white people in there. I would never see asians around the town but somehow they were all in the casino gambling. The casino let everyone damage the cards so everyone would peel so ridiculous and tear up cards if they were pissed. Gambling is another addiction for me. It's best for me to stay away but there is gambling in everyday life. It gets tricky. It's actually not really a big deal today. It's not like I have a ton of money sitting around. I work to survive. I think I am generally risk averse these days.
Man, so high that I can't even open my eyes and think ghosts are stalking me:
-bjQ&start_radio=1
Is that the pinnacle of life?
I mean the room is pitch pitch black. I'm under the covers because our house is haunted. It's almost too much. I don't have experiences like that anymore.
I was never exposed to poetry my entire life mas o menos. I was in Honors English my freshman year and seemed to be settled on that AP track except I dropped out because I did not want to do the summer reading. 3 stinking books. I read 3 books a week today. The problem was the first book was called The Joy Luck Club and it was not a great book. Why the teacher chose this book is beyond me but I got through it. I read it. I think the other book was The Red Badge of Courage which seemed kind of awful too. The other book was any book of my choosing. I could not read these 2 stinking books. Since I dropped out of the AP track and there was no more room in any classes the only opening was like a remedial English. They didn't call it remedial English but the class was full of fuck ups. Actually, it was quite entertaining at times but I didn't learn shit.
I picked up The Norton Anthology of Poetry from my good friend Emma. It is formatted terribly in the Kindle but some of it is still readable. A little late to try to learn poetry but better late than never. I basically just opened the large tome to a random page and started reading. A lot of it is quite good.
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failsafe United States. Oct 08 2025 02:26. Posts 1063
I write mostly about my life. I write about my life as fiction, or science fiction, or even fantasy. But regardless of the genre it is personal experience. I haven't published anything lately.
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failsafe United States. Oct 08 2025 19:29. Posts 1063
The most interesting observations I've made that are generally applicable is that creatine is a little suspect (any white powder is). Creatine is a lifter's supplement.
Guaifenesin (an expectorant) specifically is the second because it mixes poorly with alcohol. DayQuil (rather than NyQuil) is dangerous to drink even a little while you're using it. It's because of Guaifenesin.
Third and most difficult is back in old times 25+ years ago cartels used to sell cannabis cut with ether (the anesthetic). Ether is such an old school anesthetic for medicinal herbs that it was suggested as Ether / Bombos / Quake in LttP. Literally since forever, syndicate / cartel cut with an anesthetic. Obviously unless you smoked weed back in 1990 or something you would have no idea. So young people today never have to worry about this.
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PuertoRican United States. Oct 09 2025 05:40. Posts 13232
On October 08 2025 18:29 failsafe wrote:
Third and most difficult is back in old times 25+ years ago cartels used to sell cannabis cut with ether (the anesthetic). Ether is such an old school anesthetic for medicinal herbs that it was suggested as Ether / Bombos / Quake in LttP. Literally since forever, syndicate / cartel cut with an anesthetic. Obviously unless you smoked weed back in 1990 or something you would have no idea. So young people today never have to worry about this.
Interesting...
I live in California. A lot of the weed we have here comes straight from the source (usually Santa Cruz or some other forest-y area).
On October 08 2025 01:26 failsafe wrote:
I write mostly about my life. I write about my life as fiction, or science fiction, or even fantasy. But regardless of the genre it is personal experience. I haven't published anything lately.
On October 08 2025 18:29 failsafe wrote:
The most interesting observations I've made that are generally applicable is that creatine is a little suspect (any white powder is). Creatine is a lifter's supplement.
Guaifenesin (an expectorant) specifically is the second because it mixes poorly with alcohol. DayQuil (rather than NyQuil) is dangerous to drink even a little while you're using it. It's because of Guaifenesin.
Third and most difficult is back in old times 25+ years ago cartels used to sell cannabis cut with ether (the anesthetic). Ether is such an old school anesthetic for medicinal herbs that it was suggested as Ether / Bombos / Quake in LttP. Literally since forever, syndicate / cartel cut with an anesthetic. Obviously unless you smoked weed back in 1990 or something you would have no idea. So young people today never have to worry about this.
I probably should take creatine. I have gotten great results from it in the past but for some reason I haven't used any creatine for the past 11 months.
It's a shame I only sort of know German and I only sort of know Spanish. The ship has probably sailed on those 2 languages. I'd have to move to a German speaking country or a Spanish speaking country to have a chance. The best bet at this point is to continue to improve my English. Which that is no easy feat either.
Does anyone have any poetry suggestions? The Norton Anthology of Poetry I have is formatted so terribly it's hard to read and it's so large it's a little overwhelming.
I have to let my medications and some food settle in.
I am listening to "audifonos con cable - Sumérgete en un panorama imaginario de paisajes sonoros atmosféricos."
I worked for some time today, took a walk, then I lifted weights. I feel pretty spent.
This is my life. It's difficult not to be in the depression range. I think if I had something, anything my life could be a bit better. Whether that is social connection or some form of art. I think even if I was writing bad poetry my life would be better but I don't know how.
I need something. We always need something. I need something beyond water, food, shelter, health insurance.
I'm so atomized. Most of my co-workers are high school kids... and they do the job better than me.
I realized I had bought Selected Poems by Dylan Thomas ages ago so I am reading that. I think I would prefer to read a broader, well-formatted anthology but you have to go with what you've got.
It's cooler here, rainier. It sure beats the oppressive heat of the summer but I didn't log on to talk about the weather...
This poetry class is turning out to be enjoyable. We are doing deep dives on Emily Dickenson and Walt Whitman. I did not realize how deep poetry could be.
Work is work. I try not to think about it too much on my days off but when it is just me and the void a lot of my thoughts tend towards work. It is not rest for leisure's sake, it is rest for work's sake. It's dissapointing. I liked it better when my thoughts drifted towards philosophy and untrodden paths. I don't feel particularly lonely. I talk to people all day albeit many times it's superficial. I miss and keep missing the Other. I miss and keep missing human connection on a deeper level. So, in that sense I guess I am lonely but I can just read a Bolaño and the loneliness seems to drift away. There is something to that. It works and not on a superficial level. I am filled to the gills with greetings and superficial chatter at work which is working on some level but I really get my satisfaction at home by myself reading poetry and Bolaño. I was always a borderline extrovert/introvert. What I am missing is intimate relations with females, maybe some 1 on 1 time with close friends, and socializing in small groups. I honestly want less time at work too which I could probably survive on. The thing is I could get this equation well balanced and still want more which is why I want less. I want to need less or I should be scaling up? I still struggle driving which knocks out a lot of potential social life. I also lack the time and energy with working so much. Maybe I will figure it out or maybe I won't.
For now, I can just be happy I have found this poetry thing and that there is Bolaño. It's not always going to work of course. Perhaps, the small group socialization can only occur from AA. I have no desire to hit up venues like bars, clubs, lounges if I'm not surrounded by fellow teetotalers. Meeting friends for lunch or coffee is a possibility. Dating seems impossible. I have embraced my inceldom and am so far down the totem pole it just seems impossible. Entry level job and living with my parents is not a catch. This would be the only reason to scale up my life. Well, there is another reason which would be being able to retire and not work until I die.
And I have a number of tasks that seem to be piling up. It's more difficult getting this stuff done when I am working so much and want to at least try and enjoy my days off to some extent.
Question:
My laptop runs on Microsoft 10. Microsoft is going to stop supporting Microsoft 10. I don't have the hardware requirements to run Microsoft 11. What do I do?
A problem is I have nothing to write apart from writing about how I don't write. I can't write poetry. I am just learning it. I don't know a stanza from a sonnet. It seems I am out of inventiveness in regards to novels. I remember the times writing my novella. There were times that I was truly alive. Of course, it can be daunting facing the blank page and the blinking cursor but when times were good we were realling flying. Better than codeine.
My laptop (Lenovo Thinkpad from 2015) has Microsoft Windows 10 and needs an upgrade to Windows 11 to be supported by Microsoft but my hardware does not meet the requirements to upgrade.
It seems like I have 4 options:
- Update to Windows 11 with Rufus
- Linux time
- Try to upgrade hardware
- Don't upgrade
I have an old computer (2014 Mac) as well and I need to upgrade to do more things but im content with the things I can do with it mostly YouTube n surfing the net so its fine.
I use to love poetry as well but haven't had the desire to write any as of late.
I guess maybe its time for me to hit the gym again as I have so much free time n gym kills 1 hour or so of the day n gets me healthier
On October 14 2025 19:05 lostaccount wrote:
I have an old computer (2014 Mac) as well and I need to upgrade to do more things but im content with the things I can do with it mostly YouTube n surfing the net so its fine.
I use to love poetry as well but haven't had the desire to write any as of late.
I guess maybe its time for me to hit the gym again as I have so much free time n gym kills 1 hour or so of the day n gets me healthier
The difference with Windows vs a Mac is I think there are more security issues to worry about with a Windows.
Gym kills more than an hour for me. There is pre-game prep like food and caffeine and generally getting ready. The actual workout probably takes me 40 min. 15 min. there and 15 min. back. Then there is post-game nutrition and chilling out. Plus, the post-game high is real.
On October 14 2025 19:54 lostaccount wrote:
back from the gym, quick 30-40m workout I feel happier endorphins haha. I wouldn't upgrade just let it be like me
I don't have a problem letting it be with a mac. I had a Macbook Pro from 2009 that I got rid of only within the last year or two but with Windows I think there are potentially a lot of security problems.
I need a Death Cafe. We all need a Death Cafe. I just had some banana bread and I'm drinking white tea. My neighbor puts up a bunch of decorations for Halloween. He makes his frontyard into a cemetary with tombstones and skulls and coffins. A student once asked Heidegger, "How does one be authentic?"
Heidegger responded, "Walk through a cemetary." Which I think is brilliant but Baudrillard says there is no such thing as authenticity. I drive by this cemetary on my way to work and on my way home from work and I walk by it twice when giving the dog a walk. I keep getting pangs that I don't want to be working a retail cashier job. What else should I be doing? I don't know if there is anything else I should be doing at this point in time. So, then it moves on to my life. How am I spending the rest of my life? Do I really feel like reading 30 min. of Walt Whitman poetry at this point in time? If I'm really lonely or bored there is Bolaño. There is always Bolaño!
David Foster Wallace said one of his breakthroughs in art was watching Blue Velvet by David Lynch. Apart from some debts to Hitchcock it was a truly Lynchian experience. In art, we have to find ways to be truly ourselves or at least as close as we can get. I do agree with the Baudrillardian notion that there is no such thing as authenticity. We all have debts to people, culture, really everything; the good and the bad and the ugly.
Part of me just wants to do a bunch of drugs at a music festival.
Maybe don't obsess over it. I'll drive myself mad trying to be authentic and realizing it's impossible. I could wear all black and go to some beat poetry in Brooklyn and find clones. The marketers get the idea to sell black t-shirts and then what?
Do I have to have a unique haircut?
Flaubert said: "Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent and original in your work."
So many perspectives. I do agree with Beethoven that music is a higher revelation than all wisdom and philosophy. Doing a bunch of drugs and going to a music festival or even just singing karaoke or playing the drums hits different.
Most social spheres are full of clones.
I don't really fit into social spheres and I never have. It's a real problem if I didn't know myself or have books to read and dogs to walk. Like I said though, I would like some 1 on 1 time with a romantic partner, some 1 on 1 time with close friends, and some time outside in small groups. I have repeated myself on a lot of this stuff which means it's important but at the end of the day if I have some banana bread, white tea, and Bolaño I'll be alright.
I don't know if I'm ever going to get there on the authenticity topic. I've been going 'round and 'round for a while now. It's similar to the idea of determinism. We are all shaped by our culture, experiences, society. To say there is no such thing as society is absurd. La vie est absurde. That doesn't mean I have to picture Sysiphus happy. Sartre was big on authenticity. We are free to live the lives that we want. Radically free. We are a sum of our actions. Sartre did pretty well for himself. Why can't I be more free? Maybe this is the life I always wanted. Maybe I am free.
The brain is a chaotic flood. It goes where it goes.
Does anyone know a way I can make more money for less responsibility?
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failsafe United States. Oct 16 2025 03:29. Posts 1063
Solve stuff related to the barter economy and destroy communism. Time is money when everything is identical in everyone's language. There is no modern parlance or vernacular. There is no colloquial and there is no point including things that everyone is aware of. People have a lot of the same thing and that thing is communism (what makes a thing vs. a good).
Everyone's Doge coin is pinned to Shiba and every Shiba coin is pinned to Doge. Ein vs "doge" we'll never solve Welsh Corgi vs Shiba. Shiba coin and Doge coin are not the same.
I am no freer than I am right Now. If I was on a yacht on fentanyl on Kate Upton on fentanyl on the Mediterrean on Earth under the Sun would I be freer in that moment? No. Even if she was 22 and the yacht was larger than Besos?
I am trying to make this a stream of consciousness sort of thing. Obviously, I will fail. I am not the size of my yacht. Maybe I would like a modest fiberglass sailboat with an aluminum mast. That should suffice but I don't want to die at sea. Who wouldn't want to slide the D, into Kate Upton at age 23?
A problem for me on Earth is that I have tasted fentanyl. That might be the ultimate for an addict like me.
The present is now. I am free now, now, now, now, now, now i Am Freee NOW NOW NOW
Going to space would take a little more preparation. I don't think I want to do that in this lifetime.
I want to dance i want to sing i want to run naked down the beach and take a swim
i don't really like cold plunges. the science isn't really behind them doing much so I don't partake. saunas on the other hand i happen to love. i found out i'm 12% Finnish. All my Russian, Ukranian, Polish ancestry actually comes from Finns way back in the day. I also found out that I have Native American in my blood. Not much but it's at least 1 drop which makes me a Native non? A blond haired, blue eyed Native American. That was probably from my Scottish heritage that came down to Prince Edward Island and those whereabouts.
I strive to be more free. Do we want our brains to be rampaging floods or neatly contained boxes on plots of grass?
What if I get the thought to call a black person "nigger"?
I don't mean them any ill will it's just something that pops into my brain. I have to remember all the black people that have been lovely in my life. But, what if the black person is being dumb?
I wish I didn't have those thoughts. I wish I didn't have thoughts about killing myself. I don't have the outlets of expression that I need.
I am not on life support. I don't have ALS. I don't have scars on my blood vessels in my eye that will cause me to go blind (yet, yet, yet). I would say it's fairly nice to be alive. My OD said I have to keep my blood sugar down (which I have my A1C was 4.8 a week ago) but it's possibly that my blood vessels in my eyes bleed and cause scarring that will cause blindness in 10 years.....
I am free to live life to the fullest until I may go blind in 10 years. I may go blind tomorrow. I may die tonight.
I am dancing NOW. I don't have to wear RICK OWENS to be cool. I'm cooler than that ole geezer anyways. What a faggot.
The key to my wardrobe this fall is a jacket I've had since I was 14 and a fleece that I got from REI on sale from $200 down to $50 from Patagonia that's a 3x but drapes on me like a comfy blanket and I wear it everyday because I love it. I spray myself with Yves Saint Laurent THE NIGHT OF THE MAN because I like parfumed rooms. It's an AURA. I like going for walks with my dog in non-parfumed air aka outside. I like breathing. I like seeing. I like hearing. Sunsets and Floating Points keep me going. I maybe losing my mind a little bit but it's ok. It's just a journal. At least I'm not hallucinating, yet. I sprayed way too much YSL THE NIGHT OF THE MAN. I got a little too excited and sprayed it everywhere. I wonder if it's strong enough to smell from downstairs. Hopefully, it's strong enough to mask dirty laundry and uncleaned bedsheets.
I am not really free to do anything. I can't do drugs. I can't drive to anywhere I want to go. There is a lot I cannot afford. In a way it's ok though. I am studying poetry, I am reading Bolaño, I am going for walks.
Walt Whitman said something like he gave up competing for the usual things to become a poet. I think that I wish to become a poet. Maybe I've always been one in spirit. Or, maybe, the only requirement to be a poet is to write poetry in which I fail. I am enjoying studying poetry though.
It seems like I take my mirtazipine and eat a kiwi and then gravitate towards this journal. I need it the more hours I have to work at a job. Maybe when I learn enough about poetry I can replace LP with poetry. Like I said, I don't even know the difference between a stanza and a sonnet.
I need some sort of solitary pursuit to carry me through the nights. Poetry would be perfect. I've tried just about all I can think of.
I still get the urge to use tobacco products. I am French and Native American it's no wonder the pull is so strong.
I just love drugs.
Even a nice cup of coffee is scrumptious.
Again, I don't think there are any revelations on the rise. Maybe they are lying just below the simmer. It's just nice clicking the keys of the keyboard. klick klick klick klick klick klack cklikckkkk ckklaakckkkk
I am a sum of my actions. Too many nights on LP = ????
I just got back from training and I am still feeling the high. There was one absurdly attractive woman in there today. I don't know what I go for but sometimes an obsenely aryan woman lights the loins on fire. She was tall, blonde, blue eyed with a long braided pony tail. Fair enough to be my aryan viking bride. She was doing back excersizes with a backless top. I am liking that trend in the gym.
I am in chill mode. I have on a black t-shirt, blue jeans, and no belt. I didn't put any product in my hair today.
Sometimes I think I go for the opposite of aryan. Black, Asian, Latina, some strange mix. My penis wanted to impregnate this chick at the gym though. I was seduced. I wanted to please her. Luckily, there were other objects, I mean women in the gym that dimmed Viking princess's Aura.
lostaccount, how is your training going?
I don't know the answers. Going to the gym seems like a good answer. Old t-shirts and old jeans seems like a good answer. Brooks Ghost running shoes seems like a good answer. I'm still deciding if I want to be clean shaven or keep my beard. A simple haircut seems like a good answer. YSL cologne seems like a good answer. Toro y Moi seems like a good answer. Studying English (poetry) seems like a good answer. Reading Bolaño seems like a good answer. Walking the dog seems like a good answer. Getting a good night sleep seems like a good answer. Hanging out with friends seems like a good answer. Being grateful seems like a good answer.
Why am I so damn restless then?
Maybe because I consumed 300mg of caffeine this morning.
I am coming to the realization that I have to work tomorrow. The good news is that I had some tea and feel quite calm. The bad news is time is running out.
I have been doing some singing and some dancing to try and escape. I cannot escape. I choose to study poetry. I choose to follow butterflies. I choose to breathe the open air. The silhouette of palm trees among the mauve muhly grass at sunset. I cannot dance enough. I cannot drink enough.
I close my eyes and try to... and try to... and try to compose myself.
This is existence is serious business. I am going to die. A speck of dust that is shackled to money. I do not wish to compete for the usual things. That is my choice... or is it?
I don't want a brand new Mercedez Benz. I don't want children. Even weddings seem complicated and out of the question.
I miss reading Berserk.
I miss writing my novella.
I miss wet mouths and wet vagina.
There is surely more to life...
I try to not want what I want but I want what I want. Protect me from what I want (Jenny Holzer). When I think I need what I want when I just want what I want we have a problem. I don't want to need anything or anyone.
It seems impossible to get money without responsibility but there has got to be ways. Better ways.
Sometimes it doesn't seem like there is much to life.
I guess I go and take my mirtazapine and eat my kiwi and read and pass out and go to work tomorrow and do it all over again.
I just had some mirtazapine. Maybe I should up the dose of mirtazapine. I just had some kiwi. Maybe I should up the dose of kiwi. I just had some dark chocolate. Maybe I should up the dose of dark chocolate.
So many options and I choose to listen to music and post journals. It feels so comfortable here. Especially with the white tea and mirtazapine. Add in some xanax and fentanyl and I'd really be doing ok...
One day I was at a camp in the forest. We ate eggs, bacon, and pancakes. Drank coffee. Drank energy drinks. Smoked cigars. I went out into the forest with an axe and started chopping down dead trees. I then chopped the trees into logs. I then took the log and put it on my shoulders and started doing lunges along a field. "He's not alcoholic..." was the verdict of the day.
I am alcoholic and I don't do a whole lot to treat it but what is there really to do to treat it?
Work an honest job?
Help people?
Talk about it?
Not that anyone on here would know much about recovery. Not that there is even anyone on here.
5 minutes past midnight. The mirtazapine is doing it's work. I am calm. Ready for sleep. Listening to Floating Points on my expensive yet very old headphones. I see a cluttered desk, a cluttered room. Not enough time, not enough time. The climax of the song is wonderful. All there is to do is turn the dial of sound higher. Enjoyment, finally some enjoyment.
I really enjoyed the recent poems that I read. William Carlos Williams and Allen Ginsberg. I feel an affinity to Emily Dickinson, Walt Whitman, William Carlos WIlliams, and Allen Ginsberg. I so want to be a poet but I still don't know how.
I have to be honest. I went to a German restaurant tonight for my dad's birthday and I really wanted a litre of Octoberfest beer. What I really wanted was my favorite beer of all time New Glarus Spotted Cow which is only sold in Wisconsin.
My sponsor is in a psych ward or in jail. I am not sure which one it is. He's also a very good friend. Engulfed with conspiracy theories and delusions of grandeur. It all mashed together. He may have to stay in a psych ward permanently or jail.
Who am I even talking to?
Most of the time it doesn't matter. I remember when I first discovered Rothko, first discovered painting. We humans need identities. I could do a better job at being a retail cashier. I could engage more in chatter. Be more enthusiastic. It's hard to force an energy level though. It's even worse to be an imposter.
I'm tired, I'm spent, I think all of my willpower was used up today and I have none left. Maybe not even enough to read a short poem which is something I would enjoy. I am listening to Numb by Andy Stott. I am tired enough to be numb. Most occupations are a bummer. Use all of the time, energy, willpower on the job and come home an undead zombie. It's tempting to just throw on a streaming service and become an even more undead zombie. Maybe journaling is another undead zombie endeavour for me. It's less effort than studying poetry or reading Bolaño.
I just write whatever is on my mind. I'm really digging Andy Stott tonight. The music is what is keeping me from doing something else.
I'm so tired I don't even want to think about death, authenticity, The Good Life. The good life is listening to music which is a higher revelation than wisdom and philosophy (Beethoven). Beethoven was biased but I don't think that he is wrong.
A little THE MAN OF THE NIGHT by YSL to make my nose a little happier. My indescriminate nose. It doesn't turn off. It is always on. I may as well treat it to some sweet smelling parfum. I have to be a consumer of this parfum for this little boost in joy.
I have studied quite a lot of poetry tonight albeit my LP journaling habit. Do I study another poem? I don't think I am quite ready to lie down and fall asleep yet.
I just woke up from a nap with a fierce erection. How do we manage a libido? I masturbated yesterday without pornography, only flashes of images and memories. I ended up coming to an image of a co-worker. She is too young or presumably not interested in dating me. It also strikes me as a bit awkward the next time I talk to her but I cannot help my wants and desires or even predict them. Patrice O'Neal said the only reason he had sex anymore was to provide him with images and memories to jerk off to. It's much more straightforward to jerk off to pornography. It's much more straightforward to seek out or find a pornstar that we desire.
I've had my mirtazapine, I've had my kiwi. It's time to wind down and eventually get some sleep.
Ich wandere - I wander
I am listening to some Portishead and some Radiohead in the crib. That just seems like a good moment. A moment that can only last so long. In fact, the moment is now over and a new moment arises. Perhaps this moment could be even something more than the last? But, alas this moment shall pass.
I don't know what I am doing on here. I don't feel like studying poetry and I don't feel like reading a novel. I do feel like listening to music. The music part of me is starting to get hungry again. Now that I am employed a bass guitar is more in my reach. I don't know if I will go down that path though. Workin' and stumblin' and fumblin' and rumblin' and ramblin' and gamblin' and damn man just seems better than codeine and waitin' around to die.
In writing these journals I am waitin' around to die but not exactly. Earlier I listened to When I Die by MGMT. When I hear this song I am confronted with death which makes me question my authenticity and what I am doing with this life. It also reminds me of Loco who put me on to that album. This site once had an interesting bunch of people. Now, it is just lostaccount and myself. I would say we are at least some what interesting but clearly not the melting pot LP once was. What a weird fucking existance all this journaling is. I feel that I need it to cope. I had family in town the other night and didn't need it. It didn't even cross my mind. The nights are dark by myself. I don't even think socializing will mend that. Sliding the D into a wet and wanting vagina, touch, feel, embrace, kiss, I can't help but want it. Now that I am getting a paycheck I want more of a paycheck. I want a better job and a better job and a better job. Will I have the discipline to acheive that? The jury is out. But I shouldn't get ahead of myself like that.
This is a song I found recently that I have been diggin' a lot:
-cE&start_radio=1
It works in the gym. I have been in a phase where I mostly listen to groovy songs due to more volume in my workouts.
All this writing and no revelations. I miss music. That is one revelation.
1
failsafe United States. Oct 21 2025 14:06. Posts 1063
What do you think about BR management and floating your income scheme? So, I've got 20 priceless objects, $100, and I want to play NL25/50. If I sell one priceless object I'm rolled for maybe a million dollars playing NL$5K. But, I think I'll lose it in about 5 days. What do you think? Are the other 19 priceless objects restricting my BR?
On October 21 2025 13:06 failsafe wrote:
What do you think about BR management and floating your income scheme? So, I've got 20 priceless objects, $100, and I want to play NL25/50. If I sell one priceless object I'm rolled for maybe a million dollars playing NL$5K. But, I think I'll lose it in about 5 days. What do you think? Are the other 19 priceless objects restricting my BR?
they are priceless if u dont sell it but has a price if u do sell it but lol
On October 21 2025 14:33 RiKD wrote:
Why even play poker if you are going to lose it in 5 days? $20 million is more than enough to retire and live a good life.
1M usd if spent correctly is more than enough to live a great life if u invest it well
The thread boiled down to $30k/yr after inflation and taxes. Obviously, it would be tough to live in a major city. Living in the city center is out. Bonus for living in the middle of nowhere in a mud hut with roomates and fasting most days. You could also watch paint dry, play video games, or read books from the library. If you must eat then go kill a deer and put it in the freezer. Get used to eating the same thing for 5 days straight. You could also live in a closet and eat cat food. Leaving the house puts you in danger of busting the daily entertainment budget of $10.
I definitely had a taste of this living. Actually I was full on surviving for a long time (I still am). Reading books from the library and walking the dog only got me so far. Most jobs suck but it does provide socializing and an income versus being stuck in the house.
the f they only getting like a 5% roi? thats pathetic I know I can get at least 15% which would be 150k pre tax so after tax maybe 100k n you can live anywhere.
On October 23 2025 21:58 lostaccount wrote:
the f they only getting like a 5% roi? thats pathetic I know I can get at least 15% which would be 150k pre tax so after tax maybe 100k n you can live anywhere.
I am not confident I could get at least 15%. Maybe if that was my sole vocation but it's not so I can't comment.
I don't think I want to live in a mud hut. I don't want to be a rice farmer either. It would be cool to have a flourishing garden however. I used to help my grandmother with her garden. I wouldn't want to eat rice and vegetables for every meal. It's strange that we have all these possibilities in life but do we? Do I? I can't drive very far in this city. I have a liberal arts degree. I am somewhat limited in what occupation I can hold onto.
I want to make more money so I can do more and have more flexibility and I would like to retire at some point and not have to work until I die.
But, working so much literally hurts my back and I have no time or energy to do anything. Even on my days off there is this underlying pang that I have to work again.
I want tobacco, chocolate, and cocaine. Even if it kills me.
On October 23 2025 21:59 lostaccount wrote:
but 30k in ASEAN is king living though except Singapore and maybe half a king in Malaysia
I would bet $100k might not go very far in Manhattan.
I don't really feel like budgeting it all out in Asia but what does living like a king look like for you?
Yea you probably live okay in Manhattan with 100k.
Living like a king = 2+ girls for fun, drink as much as you want, a maid to clean your place and eat good food plus some other things I might have missed.
what's the plan for Friday Rikd? watching the playoff game? I got money on LA cuz I like money more than the blue jays lol but I would never bet against the Vancouver Canucks cuz I like them more than money though
The plan for Friday is I worked until 10 pm EST then I came home and had some dinner which included a lot of chocolate, and now I am thinking about drinking some Chinese white tea and winding down. Maybe read some poems and watch roundtable discussions on them.
On October 23 2025 21:59 lostaccount wrote:
but 30k in ASEAN is king living though except Singapore and maybe half a king in Malaysia
I would bet $100k might not go very far in Manhattan.
I don't really feel like budgeting it all out in Asia but what does living like a king look like for you?
Yea you probably live okay in Manhattan with 100k.
Living like a king = 2+ girls for fun, drink as much as you want, a maid to clean your place and eat good food plus some other things I might have missed.
I was living good in Buenos Aires by that standard then and Chicago.
Walking out of work tonight I heard the people at the local bar and I almost just walked over to get a meal. When drinking was at its best I would come home dirty from the steel mills, fill up a huge glass of wine, take a shower and the sauce fixed me. I don't have anything that straightforward these days and I don't think I can ever get that back. Today, I have dark chocolate, kiwis, mirtazapine, white tea, and music. It's not as straightforward and frankly it doesn't work as well as alcohol once did but the alcohol does not work like that for me anymore. Ever since the breaking point I drink myself into a stupor and can't stop thinking about killing myself. I throw empty bottles of wine across the room and sit on the couch crying.
To change the subject, now that I have some money coming in it could be digital drop time or electric bass time. We will see. I am mostly into poetry and reading at the moment though and living a somewhat bohemian lifestyle. I go back and forth. I mean I live in a gated community without many artists. In some ways I try to be a normal person but I have always been a bit unconventional.
This Flaubert quote really hits the mark with me:
"Be regular and orderly in your life, like a bourgeois, so that you may be violent and original in your work."
I still don't know what authentic means. There is no such thing as authentic as Baudrillard said but there is maybe something close. It's not really something to get too caught up in. I wear a uniform at work and it is freeing in a way. I have always liked the idea of crafting a uniform outside of work as well. Most of my clothes are pretty stupid, old, raggedy. I wear them because I am poor. One of the issues is most cheap clothing is shitty and does not hold up well. I could probably now afford some boxer briefs that aren't raggedy and have holes in them. I really should clean my room. Maybe I will make that a priority tomorrow.
I want to smoke tobacco. I want to eat dark chocolate. I want to snort cocaine. That would really get me going.
Georg Trakl died of a cocaine overdose at age 27.
To be honest, I have been around cocaine a lot in my life but I never tried it. Now, I am wishing that I tried it and thinking that maybe I should try it even though most people on cocaine are insufferable. Yeah, on second thought it's a terrible idea.
The thing is the mirtazapine, kiwis, dark chocolate, and white tea are not strong enough. I want something stronger.
I don't know what I want. Protect me from what I want. I am motivated to do some cleaning tomorrow. I'm glad that became clear in this writing. P E A C E.
On October 23 2025 21:59 lostaccount wrote:
but 30k in ASEAN is king living though except Singapore and maybe half a king in Malaysia
I would bet $100k might not go very far in Manhattan.
I don't really feel like budgeting it all out in Asia but what does living like a king look like for you?
Yea you probably live okay in Manhattan with 100k.
Living like a king = 2+ girls for fun, drink as much as you want, a maid to clean your place and eat good food plus some other things I might have missed.
I was living good in Buenos Aires by that standard then and Chicago.
I live like a king in Van -_-; , aka pretty freaking great.
"To be honest, I have been around cocaine a lot in my life but I never tried it. Now, I am wishing that I tried it and thinking that maybe I should try it even though most people on cocaine are insufferable. Yeah, on second thought it's a terrible idea."
I tried but its not that good for me anyways, iono but its not for u n me thats for sure. I dont know why ppl do that shit.
"The thing is the mirtazapine, kiwis, dark chocolate, and white tea are not strong enough. I want something stronger."
try or do fasting for 30 hours, I did fasting for like 3 days wasn't easy at all
On October 24 2025 23:02 lostaccount wrote:
what's the plan for Friday Rikd? watching the playoff game? I got money on LA cuz I like money more than the blue jays lol but I would never bet against the Vancouver Canucks cuz I like them more than money though
this is not true, I did hedge last year but I never bet against them in the Stanley cup, I wonder if I will see one in my lifetime -_-. I also realize fk my bets Lets go blue jays <3
I am sitting here sippin' some coffee. I don't want to drink alcohol or snort cocaine or take a bunch of benzos so that is good.
lostaccount, I think it is better to go all-in on your team meaning make a large bet on your team. Only if you can get a decent price. The sweat is much better.
On October 25 2025 15:45 RiKD wrote:
I am sitting here sippin' some coffee. I don't want to drink alcohol or snort cocaine or take a bunch of benzos so that is good.
lostaccount, I think it is better to go all-in on your team meaning make a large bet on your team. Only if you can get a decent price. The sweat is much better.
you are right I made a big bet on them to win now. GL us. the odds were good cuz I think they will win in 5 now
I don't think I mind working tomorrow although it is a Sunday and it will be tough. I am dreading the part of the schedule where I work 6 days in 1 week. I guess I just take it a day at a time. That's all I can do.
I did a general inventory of my wardrobe today. I did a lot of cleaning. 3 items got the boot to Goodwill. In one case it was a flowery shirt that I just never wear. Not that I am against flowers but this one was far too flowery. The other 2 were kind of cheap fast fashion numbers. I have a shit ton of Dickies socks that I bought along time ago and all of them are in great shape. Same for my Carhartt stuff. Same for my Levi's stuff. Same for my LL Bean stuff. I am thinking I just go with well made American clothing like outer wear and work wear stuff just simply as a practical the stuff is comfortable and lasts notion. My Red Wing boots are still kicking all these years later.
I don't feel like double checking all my articles of clothing right now but all those American companies I mentioned are not actually manufactured in the USA and are made somewhere in Asia or elsewhere (ie Mexico). They still seem to last better than cheap clothing from China / Indonesia / etc. I have enough clothing to get me through the fall / winter so that is good but if I had to buy new clothing I don't even know where I would start.
I am just killing time waiting for my sheets to get out of the dryer. I am sick of studying poetry. I don't really feel like reading Bolaño at the moment. It's nice to just chill and listen to some Squarepusher.
Just killing time listening to some Boards of Canada.
Again, I don't know if there are ever going to be revelations. I suppose cleaning my room was a micro-revelation. Working is part of my life now. It's just the way it is. It's like I'm chomping at the bit to get back into the consumer game. It's depressing actually. Flashes of everything I can now buy are haunting me and the fact is I still can't really afford much which causes frustration. I don't need clothes. I barely leave the house. I have plenty of clothing. I find myself in a bit of discomfort when the poetry and the reading stops working. It's like I am unable to lose myself in music at the moment. Buying more music equipment may or may not help with this.
I could probably use an AA meeting or an AA sponsor or any kind of social connection that goes beyond greetings and superficial chatter. My AA sponsor is in the psych ward or in jail and I don't know anyone else to fill in for that role.
I need to figure out some things to do beyond poetry and reading Bolaño. I can't always rely on those things to get me through. The obvious choice is to get to some AA meetings but is that truly obvious? I haven't liked going to those things in 10 years. I'm stumped. How does an out of practice recluse who doesn't drink go out and meet people at age 40?
On October 26 2025 03:15 RiKD wrote:
I need to figure out some things to do beyond poetry and reading Bolaño. I can't always rely on those things to get me through. The obvious choice is to get to some AA meetings but is that truly obvious? I haven't liked going to those things in 10 years. I'm stumped. How does an out of practice recluse who doesn't drink go out and meet people at age 40?
play pokerrrrr, side hustle rikd play some tournaments learn gto then when u get a bankroll play some live tournaments and profit?
On October 26 2025 03:15 RiKD wrote:
I need to figure out some things to do beyond poetry and reading Bolaño. I can't always rely on those things to get me through. The obvious choice is to get to some AA meetings but is that truly obvious? I haven't liked going to those things in 10 years. I'm stumped. How does an out of practice recluse who doesn't drink go out and meet people at age 40?
play pokerrrrr, side hustle rikd play some tournaments learn gto then when u get a bankroll play some live tournaments and profit?
Poker is not happening. I was never really a tournament guy unless it was a main event or a big event. I did enjoy learning GTO though. Live tournaments are a definite no unless I can win a million bucks. I mean I would take scaled tournaments to my brokeness with good structure to be honest. I don't know of any live 10$ mtts with low rake with good structure that are well run.
I had 2 stints with poker in the last 5 years. GTO Wizard was a lot of fun but not fun enough. I was big winner on Ignition and ACR over relatively small samples but it just wasn't worth it for me. I'm happier studying poetry and reading novels.
Now, the flood gates have opened. I don't know if I have much to say tonight though. I don't have work tomorrow so I have time to analyze. What if I don't want to analyze? I don't know what I want to do which is why I revert to trying to figure that out in journal form. I don't want to study Gertrude Stein but I don't want to play poker either. First thing that comes to mind is taking a bunch of benzos and listening to Grimes Visionz.
I have this fear that I am going to say nigger or retard or faggot in public. The brain is a hurricane. You never know where it's going to go. It can not be contained...
Caribou is a great musician. I love caribou. and banks. and thom yorke even though he is a israel apologist. i am doing an experiment where i just type whatever comes to mind. there is a book called the artist's way that says to just write stream of consciousness for pages to get it all out of the system in order to do your art. lcd soundsystem is pretty good. i always liked that song tribulations. i saw them perform live in buenos aires. my friend and i were smoking hella joints and then he said security was coming to get us but we would always get really high and he would always try and prank me/ scar eme. to this day i don't know if that is a prank but i smoked as much of the remainder of the joint that i could and then threw it down below the crowd level and thesse security guys walked right by us and i was like shit but was it a coincidence? it was straate. he was the guy that would get me ridiculously high and try and prank me but not so much that it lost credibility. he was a master at bluffing. really. he was probably the best poker player at bluffing that i ever encountered. anyways, lcd soundsystem was great
queens of the stone age better through chemistry or w/e just came on i am multitasking on discord
i was never much of a WoW player. my brother was. i think if my brother could change something it would be to have the time and attention to play video games and watch anime. and i am spending my tmie yappin all ove rthe page with this shit. this complete and utter bullshit.
It is amazing how certain songs evoke memories. Like memory trees. They may invoke the memory tree everytime the song plays?
Like, if I want to go to sleep at around midnight or one o clock that is 3'ish more hours that I am conscious. What they fuck am I doing with this consciousness? I am condegmned to be born and then die, I am condegmned to have a consciousness and I use it to write about my fear of saying nigger or retard or faggot in public. It's actually kind of serious. I have had panic attacks about it in public. My therapist just ignored it when I brought it up. I need a diagnosis.
I guess all I can do is eat some kiwis and take my mirtazapine. Which I wish there was more. I want to take 4 xans and listen to Grimes Visionz. I want to drink a few black boxes of wine and see where that takes me.
Now, I ate some mirtazapine and some kiwis... I need about 15 minutes to help those things digest a little bit.
Yesterday is yesterday, today is today, things will never be the same. The world is whizzing. It was just summer now it is almost Halloween.
I have lived here for 10 years. That is remarkable. I think I miss painting. Oil or acrylic painting on canvas. I have a closet full of paintings collecting dust.
Sometimes I feel like an alien. I was raised in the Midwest. I have spent a lot of time by myself.
On October 26 2025 03:15 RiKD wrote:
I need to figure out some things to do beyond poetry and reading Bolaño. I can't always rely on those things to get me through. The obvious choice is to get to some AA meetings but is that truly obvious? I haven't liked going to those things in 10 years. I'm stumped. How does an out of practice recluse who doesn't drink go out and meet people at age 40?
play pokerrrrr, side hustle rikd play some tournaments learn gto then when u get a bankroll play some live tournaments and profit?
Poker is not happening. I was never really a tournament guy unless it was a main event or a big event. I did enjoy learning GTO though. Live tournaments are a definite no unless I can win a million bucks. I mean I would take scaled tournaments to my brokeness with good structure to be honest. I don't know of any live 10$ mtts with low rake with good structure that are well run.
I had 2 stints with poker in the last 5 years. GTO Wizard was a lot of fun but not fun enough. I was big winner on Ignition and ACR over relatively small samples but it just wasn't worth it for me. I'm happier studying poetry and reading novels.
On October 26 2025 03:15 RiKD wrote:
I need to figure out some things to do beyond poetry and reading Bolaño. I can't always rely on those things to get me through. The obvious choice is to get to some AA meetings but is that truly obvious? I haven't liked going to those things in 10 years. I'm stumped. How does an out of practice recluse who doesn't drink go out and meet people at age 40?
play pokerrrrr, side hustle rikd play some tournaments learn gto then when u get a bankroll play some live tournaments and profit?
Poker is not happening. I was never really a tournament guy unless it was a main event or a big event. I did enjoy learning GTO though. Live tournaments are a definite no unless I can win a million bucks. I mean I would take scaled tournaments to my brokeness with good structure to be honest. I don't know of any live 10$ mtts with low rake with good structure that are well run.
I had 2 stints with poker in the last 5 years. GTO Wizard was a lot of fun but not fun enough. I was big winner on Ignition and ACR over relatively small samples but it just wasn't worth it for me. I'm happier studying poetry and reading novels.
I meant play live poker not online poker
I could probably find a relatively small private game to get involved in but it's a matter of driving there. Live poker is not a bad suggestion.
I am not a fan of Ted talks typically. I did watch this one in its entirety. Thank you for trying to help. I don't consider myself a polymath as I have published ZERO. The closest to published that I have is a number of paintings are hanging up in peoples' dwellings. Even when I was in solitude I didn't really produce anything and certainly nothing compared to Leonardo Da Vinci or anyone else worthy of calling a polymath. Now, that I am employed I am mostly too tired to create (which is also sad). If polymath denoted random blog output I would be a hella polymath.
I just got back from the gym. That is what I needed. There is a woman that is in there all the time that is incredibly fit. Probably about my age or younger. I was doing incline bench press. I caught her looking at me. Then she just stood in my path on her phone. Then I went to do machine bench press and she loitered in my view. Then she saw I was doing machine bench press and went to do the machine row literally right in front of me. She had on a backless top so I could see her incredible back muscles through a range of motion. I don't know what the deal with that was. I think some of these gym thots get horny just like anyone else and probably more. She could smell the horniness on me as well as my expensive body wash. The one that I get compliments on but was too broke to purchase for a while. She doesn't know I am a retail cashier that lives with my parents. Even so I am having a lot more of these coincidences happen so it's either I am delusional (more confident) but even if I am more confident the likelihood of this kind of stuff happening is more likely. I think it's a combination of this and the fact that I am bringing in a paycheck but most importantly I am actually leaving the house and in social situations much more often. I just need a cooler job that pays more so I can get out of my parents' home and I could probably date successfully. Also, it's not fun being a broke loser but if I could write poetry it kind of goes with the territory. I'm not a broke loser I'm a poet! So, my options are get a cooler job and make more money or write poetry (or both).
It's funny. I've done some research. Almost nothing is made in the USA anymore in regards to clothing. Nothing globally is Union Made. It's a good thing I don't need any clothing this fall / winter. I am mostly concerned with working conditions for humans but also there are animal considerations in regards to the materials used. There is a part of me that enjoys researching and getting nit picky but there is also a part of me that wants to throw my hands up and sigh in despair.
"There is no ethical consumption under capitalism."
Fast fashion made in sweat shops made with animal materials would be the worst option as they also typically don't even fit well and fall apart pretty quickly.
The problem is there is some serious sticker shock for "ethical/sustainable" clothing. Which is why it is important to be a bit of a minimalist and only shop at thrift stores or buy fewer pieces that will last longer.
The only item of clothing I have bought recently was a Patagonia fleece I bought on clearance for $50 because I was freezing in my bro's house. I have probably worn the damn thing 50 times since then so there is a lovely word called amortize. Ideally, I would have asked my bro to not have the AC on so low or just grabbed a blanket but I didn't do that. We can improve and get better every day.
Just listening to some Air in the crib winding down for the night.
I asked ChatGPT what movie I should watch. It told me Paterson. I told it I already saw Paterson and it was like seriously, you should watch it again. So, I did. I love that movie.
My pace studying poetry has slowed down a bit but that is due to working everyday for as long as I can remember. Tomorrow is the last day of this portion of the odyssey until I get a day off. My back is killing me and my neck is killing me. Pray for me to get through tomorrow ok.
FEAR OF GOD, ISSEY MIYAKE, RICK OWENS, I don't need any of this stuff. I am set for Fall/Winter. So, why do I want this stuff? THIS STUFF?
I just want to chill in the crib listening to Air and not be in pain (now, tomorrow, ever). Unfortunately, that is not possible. Unfortunately, that is not possible. That is not possible. Unfortunately, that is not possible. It is not likely. It is not probable. It is not possible.
I want to do something constructive. Not pound on the keyboard here in hopes of change and revelation. It really just gets me the same things.
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PuertoRican United States. Nov 02 2025 20:42. Posts 13232
On October 29 2025 03:14 RiKD wrote:
Anyone seen any good films lately?
I've been having a hankering for a good film.
Same.
2025 has been a terrible year for new movies. Seems like every year after the pandemic has been shit for new movies.
I'm not even talking about new movies. I am sure there are thousands of movies from 1920s to now that are worth a watch it just feels difficult to link up with these movies. ChatGPT does an ok job but I have this friend P that had a knack for suggesting the right movies at the right times. He is a living encyclopedia of cinema. Unfortunately, he's in the psych ward or jail. Loco never failed me either but he's obviously too busy making money and trying to beat the stock market which is wise since better returns in the markets is the only thing we really can do to make our lives and our retirements better. Most people are maxed out on their job / ability to make money. Investing there is still potential to put skill points there. I don't like the strategy of working until I die and I don't like the strategy of eating catfood and living in a closet. It was cool watching all of this Loco curated film at the time but now it would feel sad or weird or I don't know what the word is to describe if Loco suggested a flim of the week or something like that. Some things we must discover ourselves. Plus, if I get a hit of a good movie I am just going to want more. I could easily just use Letterboxd but ChatGPT might be better.
I wear a uniform to work and it is kind of liberating. I wish I was an artist so I could wear a uniform all the time. Without fashion getting the hooks in. I don't know why I fall for it constantly. I've always liked shining balls of color as a cat has an attention span.
Like clockwork The Corp. I work for took down their Halloween decorations and put up Christmas decorations almost instantaneously. Like literally in a blink of an eye. One second it was Halloween the next second it was Christmas. It mirrors reality. One second it is Halloween the next second it is Christmas. Pretty soon it will be 2026 and I will have the collective unconscious urge to change, to improve, to advance. It seems like yesterday my fingernails were short and neat and now they have grown out of control. The times I'm not wearing socks my toe nails have done the same. I think I need a haircut which means it's already too late. It's already too late. It's not too late to do something. I can cut my nails and get a haircut and feel good about myself. I can leverage my current job to get a better job. It will take work. I feel so far down the totem pole but it is possible. I always wanted to just eke out a living. Make pottery down by the river. I want to be outside of society somehow yet I am too weak. I want to be apart of society. I want to be outside of society but I want to be apart of society. It's conflicting wants. What is true is sometimes I need to be alone. Like right now. Work can be a lot sometimes because I tend to be introverted...
I've had some warm banana bread and hot white tea. One contradiction in my life is that I want a non-aesthetic aesthetic yet I'm spending 5 days in the gym looks maxxxx'ing and spending quite a bit on toiletries. I'm following designer brands. I'm following. I'm not leading. I'm following. There are leaders, there are followers, I'd rather be a dick than a swallower (Ye).
I just paid a bunch of bills. Bills suck but it feels good to pay them and still have money. It feels good to pay them with my money. I can actually start paying down some credit card debt. So, I am still in survival mode until that gets paid down. It feels good to throw a chunk of money at that chunk of debt though. The only good thing about credit card debt is that it's pretty simple investing strategy. Unless I am missing something it seems pretty straightforward to just pay down the debt as fast as I can. It's not since I have gotten away from paying interest that I can try to round up an interest for myself in the markets.
So, no digital drop or Fender P Bass in my future unless I get it for Christmas. I realize I might need to get some new clothes for Fall/Winter 2025 because I am still losing weight and my pants are falling down.
I found out something cool today. I want to read Barroness Elsa: Gender, Dada, and Early Modernity by Irene Gammel. Amazon had it in hardcover for $100, paperback for $50, and used for $30. My friend Emma only had it in a PDF format. The county libraries did not have it but I went down to the local library and got a library card and they are trying to set me up with the book from another library in the USA. If it works that is pretty sweet.
Anti-consumerism is the main thing. Anti-consumerism without losing my mind. I could go to Thailand and be a rice and vegetable farmer and live in a mud hut and fast more days than not but that is not realistic. Just as being a buddhist monk is not realistic. I have to find my own way. Finding a cooler job that pays better is one way. Writing poetry that does not suck is potentially another way. This is mostly if I want to get laid ever again. I actually think being celibate is acceptable but getting laid would be more fun. I have to figure out a way to find stuff to do beyond drinking white tea and posting on LP. The poetry is all well and good. The Bolaño is great. Not all the time though. Following designer brands is pathetic. Fashion always seems to find a way to get the hooks in. I don't really know a way to completely stop this from happening besides hopefully acknowledging when I am in fact eating hooks. Window shopping is pathetic. I've watched every RICK OWENS runway show on YouTube. I still need to wear clothes.
“Let there be a little country without many people. Let them have tools that do the work of ten or a hundred, and never use them. Let them be mindful of death and disinclined to long journeys. They’d have ships and carriages, but no place to go. They’d have armor and weapons, but no parades. Instead of writing, they might go back to using knotted cords. They’d enjoy eating, take pleasure in clothes, be happy with their houses, devoted to their customs.” (Lao Tzu)
I'm not trying to be an ascetic. I would like to take pleasure in clothes.
Not really. Kind of a rough one at work today. Underscheduled and it's really impossible to do the work of two people and I refuse to do the work of two people. If you do too good of a job they'll just continue to under schedule and it's a vicious cycle. The question is will I start applying to other places over this one incident? The answer is no even though I should be applying to other places anyways.
A nap, some white tea, and some mirtazapine and a lot of the tension of the day has melted.
I did some poetry study and now I am just relaxing and listening to some music. A novel is such a huge project. Maybe I should get started with poetry or short stories. The problem is the poetry I am reading is so good it is inspiring yet also discouraging at the same time. At least now I can explain the difference between a stanza and a sonnet. I can even explain the difference between an "Italian sonnet" versus a "Shakespearian sonnet." I am learning!
All good things must come to an end. I wish to vacay in Paris. Engulf myself in pinot noir in Burgundy. Literally, drown in the stuff.
I may not have any vacays left in me. If I was a billionaire I'd go to Japan and France on a private jet. So, much for my anti-consumerism... It's easy to be relatively anti-consumer when broke. When broke and paying off consumer debt.
Today, there was this really attractive woman paying in cash. When I handed her the change our hands touched. I'm so lonely and now I'm fixating on pinot noir. Back in my drinking days Black Box made a great cabernet sauvignon but not a pinot noir. There were pinot available in boxed wine but most of them weren't great. One could get a pretty good pinot for $10 out of Oregon. I ventured into the $25 range for some really good ones. Not very baller. I did have a Veuve Clicquot habit that cost $60 / bottle at Costco.
What do you do to breathe, to feel, to feel alive? (Stinkfist, Tool)
I have no interest in getting fisted. Although, I did get a blowjob and my prostate fingered by a sex worker while my blood alcohol content % was at .4. I remember that being lovely. She then rode cowgirl without the hands. She was pretty good at what she did.
And we are tomorrow's dust. A simulated blur. My neighbor's cemetery is taken down and will eventually be Christmas. It will eventually be Christmas. Sooner than we think. Do I want a Digital Drop or a Fender P Bass? I could play the P Bass through a portable 10 W amp and just trash the thing (the amp). A P Bass and a proper amp is a pretty penny. Maybe I will just go with getting some new clothes.... Oh geez, don't get started on clothing...
yup
This song is making me want to fuck around with synthesizers again.
This song is making me want to fuck around with women again.
Most women are allergic to broke. However, most of us have known a woman that has dated a broke artist. I don't know if I've ever seen it end well. All I have to do is find a woman that likes my painting or my poetry and I am in! It probably won't end well but we all eventually die and it won't matter. Drinking white tea and posting on LP is almost the equivalent of smoking a few bowls and watching HBO and jerking off to American Apparel ad girls. I could spend a lifetime doing it and where would it get me?
There is more revelation in routine than typing all of these journals or maybe it's a close race. I am talking waking up in the morning, taking a shower, getting dressed, eating breakfast, taking a shit, brushing my teeth, driving to work. The revelation is more likely to come in these moments than really trying to fight for it?
Or, maybe I am not fighting for it. I am massing journals to get to somewhere but many times it just brings me back to my journals.
I rang up this old woman today. She asked for 2 packs of cigarrettes. She was on one of those motorized carts. Miserable lady - micro-managing every last thing I did when it's like a $50 order. I help her out to her car. She drove a brand new high end Mercedez Benz SUV. It felt like karma that she was infirm but we will all get infirm if we don't die first.
My viking princess was in the gym again today. I was on the pec dec which faces the military press. That was a great mental photograph. Seeing her backside with her braided ponytail down to her erector spinae.
I found a DVD player that was collecting dust for ages. Now that I have a library card I can get DVDs from the library. Problem is the remote is lost. Answer is I got a compatible remote on Amazon for $7.
I could feel the manic a bit yesterday. Not full blown or anything just trending towards manic. I took my medications and got a good night sleep and now I feel pretty spent from another day working. That's about it. I am working and trying to figure out how to live life.
Today has been a lazy Saturday. I slept in 'til 10:30am. I handled the status of my prescription medications. Just kind of idled around until I hit the gym. I picked up the film Roma at the library. Read some Bolaño and took a nap. Now, here I am, now. I am listening to Daydreaming by Radiohead. How appropriate. Although all of this is with the knowledge that I have to work tomorrow and they could potentially try and call me in today...
I mean this is how Saturdays are supposed to go?
I need to figure out what I'm eating for my next meal. This is how I dreamed Saturdays could go when I am working and have the day off. Do I feel like reading more Bolaño or studying poetry? Go for a walk? These seem to be the limits of my life. Am I happy? Does it matter?
I really wanted to watch the film Yi Yi but the library didn't have it.
or Neon Evangelion whatever the rest of the title is or Chainsaw Man
There are a bunch of films I would like to watch. Like I said there are probably thousands between 1920 and today.
I have some white tea in me and I am listening to good music. On paper it's a perfect day. I am trying to think how I want to wind down. Roma or Bolaño? or both? Probably, both.
The revelation is that there are no revelations. At least not most of the time.
I realized today that when I go for walks with music, the music is bounding my experience and creativity. I am limited by the music I am experiencing. It may effect my mood and well-being in a good way but I am less likely to travel down untrodden paths unless it is music I have not listened to before. Maybe some avant-garde stuff or classical could have a positive effect.
I don't know why I'm so concerned with revelation and creativity. This is revelation in any form: musically, spiritually, artistically, but probably most of the time it's philosophically. I am still working out the anti-consumerism piece. It's pretty simple really just don't consume but I can not abstain from consumption. I'm even doing things like not putting any clothes in the dryer and driving less. My recent haircut at the barber's I'm not that big of a fan so I may go back to buzzcut + beard. Shaving is expensive. Hair product is expensive and kind of a pain. I still need food and I like to drink a coffee in the morning and white tea at night. I want to start eating more noodle soups. Fall/Winter is good for tea and soups.
As far as t-shirts are concerned I like oversized tall tees. Uniqlo makes an ok one but it's not tall enough and it's shitty polyester material. I tried to learn sewing once but I didn't have the patience for it. Same with pattern cutting. Actually, I never really tried to learn pattern cutting. It would be awesome to make my own t-shirts. A lot of mine are getting close to the end of their life since I just bought really shitty, cheap stuff from Amazon.
I am getting close to needing new jeans too. It's hard to repair a crotch blowout and with all the weight I've lost my pants are falling down.
I need some oxytocin in my life too. That's one thing I'm lacking for sure. Girlfriends are more than just oxytocin producers though for the good and the bad.
On November 08 2025 02:18 RiKD wrote:
I could feel the manic a bit yesterday. Not full blown or anything just trending towards manic. I took my medications and got a good night sleep and now I feel pretty spent from another day working. That's about it. I am working and trying to figure out how to live life.
How are you?
im pretty relax since I havent been playing much poker. was chilling at a park yesterday enjoying some sun. I havent seen much body of water lately need to go to a river or beach soon n get that good nature views. I dont know kinda bored without poker but at the same time I don't miss it. life is okay 6/10 cuz its getting cold n I just stay home a lot. seasonal sadness cuz lack of activities to do u know. I need to go to a warmer place when it snows but can't afford a trip aboard yet so just making the best of what I have right now. c'est ma vie atm
I felt like killing myself tonight. Just some random ideations. I was reading about a woman who was stabbed to death in Bolaño and thought how difficult it would be to stab myself 5 times in the torso fatally. Not the way to do it. Since I did not want to kill myself in that fashion or any other fashion I could think of I fantasized about drowning in red wine. That elusive drunk I can never quite experience ever again and that led to a mini-depression. My sponsor is in the psych ward or jail. I have not gotten a new one. So, I continue to share this stuff in journal fashion. I think in part it is due to naturally waking up at about 10am having to work 6am-2pm today and having to work 2pm-10pm tomorrow. I don't do well when my sleep gets fucked up. I noticed I was grouchy with low willpower today. I am attempting to stay up as late as possible tonight.
I did watch The End of Evangelion last night. I've been meaning to watch it for a while now and finally got around to doing it. I think that movie fucked me up a bit too. I would watch Yi Yi tonight but I don't think I can make a 3 hour movie at the moment.
I don't even care about the revelation at this point. I just want a good night's sleep and grace at work. Slowly, I am getting further and further away from ever finishing a novel. Maybe that is a good thing. Maybe that is a bad thing. Maybe that is a neutral thing. It doesn't really matter because I have no intention of writing it with the amount I am working. I'm not Faulkner. I'm not Bolaño. It really doesn't matter, I should find other things to put my attention towards. I could say the same for these journals but I think they save me (sometimes).
Just sitting here listening to some Andy Stott things don't seem so bad. The urge to buy something is there. To fill up the emptiness. The urge to scroll Reddit. The urge to seek out The Hooded Sweatshirt. I realized my Gildan hoodies the string fell out of the hood and I gave my gray one to Goodwill. The smart thing to do would be to repair the clothing I have instead of buying something new.
This is the vibe right now:
Touch, touch, touch, try so hard, touch, touch, touch, touch
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage. (Corgan)
I push hard for a breakthrough. I don't push hard for a breakthrough. The breakthrough is elusive. Who can predict when it comes or maybe it never comes. What do we do for the breakthrough?
I went out on a drive today to the library to check on the status of a book the library loaned from somewhere and maybe find a DVD to watch or maybe just walk around the library and discover something. I thought I had a mini-breakthrough on the drive or at least a breakthrough was looking through the cracks. I find this sort of thing happens on relatively purposeless driving. It's all gone now. No memory of what I was thinking on the drive. I did pick up Howl's Moving Castle on DVD at the library. My book should arrive at the branch tomorrow or Monday.
So, that is good news. I don't feel like killing myself tonight yet. I don't feel like drinking tonight yet. This is also good news. It ebbs and flows. I am getting older faster and faster. Instead of trying to conjure these breakthroughs maybe I should update my resume and get to work. Maybe I think the grass is greener at a Barnes and Nobles or an independent bookstore. I don't really know and I am still limited by my driving. It's extremely frustrating. Luckily, I have walks and the gym but I still think it's difficult to keep this frustration at bay. I am working a relatively shitty job just because it is close and I can drive there. The bigger issue is I don't necessarily think I am making the most of my "free time." My therapist says there are 2 jobs. One is a career and one is a job one works to support their hobbies. I don't think I agree with this. If one is employed they are never at rest for themselves. It is all rest for work. I can be fickle with hobbies. It all seems so hopeless. One hour I am totally engaged in a close reading of a poem and the next hour I want to scroll Reddit for oblivion. I usually can muster up the willpower to not engage with Reddit but it then leaves me in a restless and I may say frantic state. Or an empty state. A numb state. I just want touch. I try so hard. I just want touch. One thought in regards to going to the library I think I may run into my friend Lauren who gives the best hugs. She is a little bit overweight but is a great person and I would love to cuddle with her. If models were made for modelin', thick girls were made for cuddlin' (Andre 3000). I am dreadfully lonely and greeting strangers and superficial chatter is not enough.
Maybe, sometimes sitting and listening to really loud music and sometimes typing is what I need. It's what I find myself doing. It's how I cope. It's better than drinking or harming myself. This existence is quite a trip.
I am thankful I can find something like this to take me away for a bit:
-De8c&start_radio=1
That is only 20 min. undisturbed and furthermore how does one follow that act?
I am as restless and frantic as when I started. Empty, transcendence, empty, transcendence... What I need is meditation or something similar. I feel like I'm riding the experience machine with too much intensity.
Maybe this will help:
Masterpiece. Transcendence. Now, how to I follow that act!
It's impossible to continue to always follow great acts but where does that leave us?
Bored, restless, discontent. If only I could find God or something similar. I don't know how to do that though. I am in a weird mood. I feel somewhat satiated but left wanting more. Moving back and forth in my chair self-soothing. It's soothing but not enough. I need to touch grass but it's dark and cold. A white tea break is probably in order. Yes, that is what I'll do...
There is still an angsty teen inside of me. I want to be an adult. I want to revolt against being an adult. I want to revolt. I am angry and don't know what to do with that anger. I lift weights, I take walks, it doesn't seem to help. I am somewhat damaged. At least I am not bombed on alcohol and cocaine. That is probably the first step in the battle.
I think the music and white tea have smoothed it out a bit for me. I still don't know what I'm doing tonight but at least it feels better. You know I always have to be comfortable. In the sweet spot whatever that is. Put me back in the womb of a caring mother.
I was trying to get involved with something else like watching Howl's Moving Castle but I have a wash in the dryer and don't want to interupt the movie.
I don't know what made me think of this but I was thinking about hugs. I remembered I got invited to the it party back in high school. All of my crushes were there for the most part. They acted differently than they did in school probably because we were all a bit tipsy. I got hugs from the whole parade of hot girls. I felt in. I remember the next day driving some of the girls home in my '95 Dodge Caravan listening to OutKast Stankonia. That was 25 years ago. I was such a virgin yet I felt like such a boss.
I just wanted to get invited to smoke weed and go to the Dave Mathew's Band concert at the ampitheatre. Instead I was at home drinking a bottle of Kahlua and swallowing some Vicodins and passing out to 90s Japanese Pro Wrestling.
Waiting around to smoke weed and see Dave Mathew's Band at the ampitheatre. Waiting for Godot.
They were so happy to see me at the party. They were mostly positive yet somewhat indifferent to me in a school setting particularly some of them. I had the Outkast Stankonia cd with the naked lady on it which was bad ass but my mom threw it away.
Just put on some Jean Paul Gauthier Le Male for nostalgia. I think the smell has changed a bit. It's pretty old. Older than 10 years at least. I don't know if cologne goes bad. It still smells good just different.
I continue to walk the same path everyday through the seasons with my beloved canine. I can look down at the path listening to the same music everyday through the seasons bounded by habits. I can look up at the trees changing color and the clouded sky. My dog gets to smell things and empty himself of piss and shit.
I want to get into good enough shape to wear this:
Or maybe it's more like I want to get rich enough to wear that and then use the money on something else.
I travel down the same path everyday. With my head down on the path. I raise my head and see the leaves changing in the trees and the clouded sky. I see some people and say "hi." Some say routine leads to revelation. Travelling down untrodden paths is truly living. I must live an ordinary life so I can be violent in my art. What is my art?
I finally finished Dandadan season 2. It's pretty good. Worth a watch. Kind of goofy and weird in good ways and bad ways. I still have to watch Howl's Moving Castle by Studio Ghibli but I am running out of time tonight. I am running out of time tonight yet I don't know what I want to do with it. I have to let the dog out tonight and then again first thing tomorrow morning and then again right before I go to work. I miss Pittsburgh. I could drive everywhere and I had friends then.
It's pretty obvious I am lonely. I am no solitary genius or Sigma male. I need friends. Maybe I don't. I don't always feel this way. Fridays and Saturdays are the worst because there is an assumption that everyone is out having fun while I am atomized alone in my room.
I have visions of stopping at the local bar after work, drinking about 20 beers, stumbling home, vomiting everywhere, but man get me to that place that only the heart and lungs function slowly. You wonder if you will wake up the next morning. I wanted a bottle of wine with my pizza tonight. I had some raisins instead. Not nearly as good. I'm long past the days that I can get to a happy place with a bottle of wine.
hmm lonely maybe go on a dating app or something? or a streaming app? talk to some younger girls like on twitch or tiktok but they obvious looking for gifts or something from u.
On November 18 2025 03:13 RiKD wrote:
I am responsible for my actions. I am the sum of my actions (Sartre). I don't think it is as clear as this though.
On November 18 2025 03:15 RiKD wrote:
There is a certain mystery in the muses. O whimsical muses.
either my English sucks or your English is just on a different level or both or somewhere in-between, kinda a nice thought my man. u taught me a new word muses
Just watched Howl's Moving Castle. Studio Ghibli is so extraordinary and wholesome. It is my duty that my nephews and niece watch all of Studio Ghibli.
I just laid down for a little bit. Didn't sleep a wink. Just stared at the ceiling fan for like 20 min. It feels like I have to control everything. I can't sleep for the night because I have to let the dog out tonight and tomorrow morning and I don't work until 2pm. With my schedule changing all the time it feels like I am living in perpetual jet lag. Not fun. I don't feel like studying poetry or reading Bolaño. I may end up watching some The Summer Hikaru Died. I don't really know. I may end up watching some 90s All-Japan Pro Wrestling. I am down for suggestions but I realize I am alone on this Earth for the most part and have to figure it out myself.
90s All-Japan Pro Wrestling brought me to a 10/10. Matches weren't even great. Kobayashi v Bam Bam Bigelow was kind of fun and then Kobayashi v "Dr Death" Steve Williams was pretty good. Too tired to watch Misawa v Kawada 6/3/94 which is probably my favorite wrestling match of all time.
and the colors of this wabi sabi Autumn down here.
The Mercedez, the BMWs, the Porsches pass me by. I wonder how some can have so much and some can have so little. All the houses, more or less the same. One of four color schemes to make Joyville full of joy! The car collections in the driveway. The state of the art lawnmower hidden safely in the garage. Until it's time to show the world their lawn.
Bound by the music, bound by the colors. I wish to meditate in deep space. Or else, something new, something different.
Cookin' up store brand spaghetti with store brand marinara and jerking off to Valentina Nappi is pleasurable but unfortunately I can't fool myself that it's the real thing.
My therapist was trying to convince me that basically just because I've had a hard past doesn't mean my present and future can't be terrific. I've been thinking that a lot of my problems stem from being a spoiled child. The first born in the whole family tree -- the heir to the king. I had whatever I wanted as a kid. My college was paid for. I'm still subsidized by my parents. I guess the way to break thet cycle is to just break the cycle. Hold back the freight train runnin'.
I was telling my therapist I've been doing a whole lot of work and chores lately. Props to her for saying I'm a human-being and not a human-doing. That I need to make time for me and my creative efforts.
I think I hold on to a deeply entrenched spoiled child. I have serious traumas from my drinking and drugging and also my depressions and manic episodes. I guess I just keep going with the knowledge of this stuff. That locomotive is moving fast and strong. I have to face it with equal or greater speed and strength. I am not sure I can even do this by myself but it seems I have to do everything by myself. Honestly, I would prefer not to but some of us know what happens to Bartleby in that story.
I don't know if I have anything else to add. I am tired but not quite ready for sleep. I rewatched Misawa v Kawada circa 6/3/94. It was brilliant. I had goosebumps. Not as great as when 16 year old me found a VHS tape of All Japan Pro Wrestling back in the day but I had some nostalgia going for me tonight. I was high on vodka and vicodin the first time I saw that match. Quite the warm blanket. I remember passing out soon after.
We can't be naked in modern society but I have a hunch there are other reasons.
There is no such thing as authenticity. We cannot win authenticity from what we wear. We can signal status. That is about it. We can signal. That is about it. Seems kind of fake to me but here we are. We have to make a choice. Some choice. As in most endeavours the vegans are the most noble.
Just waiting on some clothes in the dryer. Just waitin' around to die (Townes Van Zandt). I know I said I was going to use the dryer less but it's just easier..... . . . . . . . . .
I am a hypocrite. I am a heretic. I am just a guy trying to consume less. I was eating spaghetti and marinara (store brand). It got the job done but it wasn't great. I was going to eat more but the market had frozen pizzas on sale. I bought some t-shirts made in Asia and they have gone to shit pretty quick here. So, today I bought some more t-shirts on sale made in Asia... I don't know how to break the cycle. I am buying shirts to be cool and not ethical and that is very uncool. I have been searching for the right t-shirt my entire life and I still haven't found the one. Even if I found the one it's not like this would enrich my life in any real way. I want to move to Italy where there is only one kind of sea salt: sea salt. Ingredients: sea salt. One goes to the grocery store and has one option for sea salt: sea salt.
But I need to search through 53489756476534899 t-shirts to find "The One." It's an impossible game. What is even reasonable to spend on a t-shirt? I know that $200 is way too much and $10 is probably too little. A trip to the thrift store is probably worthwhile but I can't drive there.
I fell into a trap. The hooks got me. Eating hooks trying to find happiness. It never works. Meditation is the way. Thrift stores are the way. Minimalism is the way. Anti-consumerism is the way. But, I know exactly how I want my t-shirt to fit but I don't have the skills to bring it into the world. I keep talking about it I should learn how to cut patterns and sew. It's the same themes over and over. I'm somewhat damaged but I'm working on it.
Now, I'm really waitin' around to die. Waiting around to sleep. I've got Portishead playing in the crib. That is a good start but I don't really like this idea of waiting around to sleep or die. I would like to have more going on in my life than to just "throw away" time on writing on here. I don't have anything going on in my life though. I don't feel like reading Barronness Elsa, Bolaño, studying poetry, or watching 90s All Japan Pro Wrestling. I am not sure exactly on how to deal with being somewhat damaged. Just slowly I guess. Continue working with a therapist. Maybe I should start working with an AA sponsor again?
I don't think people doing two times as much or three times as much stuff are two times or three times better than me. Same with people with two times or three times as much stuff, ETC. Maybe I am ok with just sitting around contemplating a bit.
Codeine isn't the answer. Sometimes when it gets dark and lonely I don't know what the answer is but there are solutions. Listening to music and typing on here seems to be a solution. It seems to work. It keeps me held together ok. I don't know if I can do any serious work on myself through journaling alone but it is a coping mechanism. I was just researching Codeine. 100mg will probably get me good and high; euphoric even. That is what I am looking for at a time like now. I don't want just Mirtazapine. I want it all baby. I want to light up like a Christmas tree. I could go online shopping. Start eating hooks like candy. It will feel nice to open up the packaging and put together a nice fit. Then it's just another piece of clothing in the pile.
I want to wild out a little bit. This is after having a phenomenal work out today. I don't know what's wrong. Not wrong. Consciousness. The water flows how it will flow.
I wish I was better at music but I don't practice.
I continually have to re-learn that I don't have to be high all the time.
3
PuertoRican United States. Nov 24 2025 09:34. Posts 13232
On November 21 2025 02:56 RiKD wrote:
I was telling my therapist I've been doing a whole lot of work and chores lately.
A single therapy session typically costs between $100 and $200 out-of-pocket, but the price can vary significantly based on your insurance, location, and the therapist's experience. With insurance, out-of-pocket costs can be as low as $0 to $50 per session, thanks to the Mental Health Parity and Affordable Care Act. If paying privately, costs can range from less than $100 to over $250 per session, especially in high-cost-of-living areas.
Factors influencing the cost
Insurance: Your insurance plan will determine your cost. With a plan that includes mental health coverage, you will likely pay a copay or coinsurance, which is often a fixed amount per session ($0–$50).
Location: Therapy costs are often higher in major metropolitan areas and lower in other regions.
Therapist's credentials and experience: Therapists with more specialized training or extensive experience may charge higher rates.
Session type: The cost can vary depending on the type of therapy (e.g., individual, couples, or family). Longer sessions, like 90-minute sessions, will also cost more than standard 50-minute ones.
Type of professional: A psychiatrist, who is a medical doctor, will typically charge more than a psychologist or other licensed therapist, especially for initial appointments. (Google search)
Happy Thanksgiving y'all. I'm a bit restless today even though I had an excellent training session. I've been spending too much time studying and not enough time expressing. I did pick up the guitar(s) today. I was pretty terrible but not that terrible. I looked at some of my old paintings. I wasn't that thrilled. I realized I threw away a bunch of my favorite works in a moment of minimalist cleaning. Something had to be done though, paintings take up a lot of space. So, I find myself writing another journal. I had a series of fauvist inspired nudes that were really neat but I think I threw them all away. Maybe I'll do some more cleaning.
Man, going over these old paintings really makes me want to paint. I think I am in a zone that I could really improve. Get a proper studio and learn oil painting. I don't have the money for that though...
Water colors is just not really my thing.
Poetry is fun to study sometimes but I don't think I must write poetry.
I was reading in Baronness Elsa that Marcel Duschamp thought that painting became masturbation for him. I have been in that position before. I am feeling hungry enough that doing a portrait with my remaining minimal supplies would probably inspire. Oil painting in a proper studio would be the real thing at least for a while. I don't even have a pallette or a canvas. I would have to improvise. Fuck. The good thing about writing is that it's free.
I am waitin' around to die. Waitin' around for Thanksgiving dinner. I wonder how many turkies are tortured and murdered each year for Thanksgiving?
An estimated 46 million turkeys are killed for Thanksgiving. Many of them are not stunned before having their throats slit and being boiled or drowned alive. This does not consider their living conditions for their first 4 months of life.
Dinner was really nice. There was good food and good people. I think a lot of people have unreasonable expectations surrounding the holidays. It's like a drug that can never fix them. Or maybe I'm reading too into things.
Everybody wants Thanksgiving to be great. It's rarely great but I feel like my Thanksgiving experience was great but that's only because it was very Byung-Chul Han. A festive ritual that didn't try to be too much. I don't think I'm grasping at air and trying to turn it into some luxorious, ecstatic experience. There was no ecstasy involved. Just good food and good people and a day of rest which almost surpassed rest for work but didn't quite make it in the end. Work was happy I went back to making it money refreshed and in good spirits. So, I can't really be too mad at the whole process. Well, I can be. Of course, I can be. I'm now tired and a little hazy and not in good shape or spirits to study poetry or read or create. I want to go for a walk with the dog, masturbate, overeat food, smoke, drink, do drugs. Post-work is a different mindset. I don't even want to watch a challenging movie. I could take some mirtazapine and blast through an anime on Netflix though. But, the bottomline is there is no rest for rest's sake it is only rest for work. Even if the rest for work does prepare me for a better day of work there is still something ugly about it all. My brother and his wife are coming down to watch a football game tomorrow and I can only be there for a couple of hours but I have bills to pay so that's how it goes. Time to drink a Celsius and take the dog for a walk.... Maybe I'll catch a second wind, maybe I won't.
That's the thing though. I took this job so I could enjoy my hobbies more but it has turned into a lot of work. Most of my willpower is used at work....
Friday night, somewhere in the universe -- let's go
no holding back let's type
i wish to type as coltrane blows -- as water flows
fuck this whole thing is not going to rhyme HAHAHAHA
it's just an exercise in trying to get things out purely
I've already had experience maybe i wont even include periods that could get messy
I am listening to Floating Points which is probably altering my thoughts somewhat. At least there are no lyrics. Floating Points. I don't even remember exactly what that means in coding / math but if someone were to tell me I would probably think "oh yeah, I'm such a dummy, duh."
I could write about the time I jizzed in my pants in a strip club but I've already told that one. $60 Veuve Cliquot from Costco was the catalyst for that cataclysm. Capitalism. Can't live with it can't live without it eh? Is there no alternative?
Water flows how it will flow. Niagra Falls down. Did you know the the flow of liquid steel has virtually the exact same properties of the flow of water? I used to have a good job in the steel industry. Of course, it was all nepotism. If my dad weren't the VP of Marketing and Technology I had no chance at getting a job there. It was a gift and a curse but overall it fucked me up majorly. I would have been better off getting a bartender job in Milwaukee. My alcoholism probably takes me down ever time. It's really baffling to think about. Does alcoholism take me down everytime? Am I lucky to be alive? Or maybe even worse lucky not to be stuck in an institution like a psych ward or jail waiting around to die?
I wish to paint. The problem is there is no studio space in this million dollar home. I can't with good consciense risk dirtying this million dollar home.
I don't need luxury. I never have. That's one of the reasons I have survived.
We were a bunch of crazy kids in Argentina and all over.
It's sad I don't talk to anyone anymore. That's a past life these days. It's the same for the group of people I got sober with. These are kindred spirits. Spirits that drift away like ghosts. They exist. I'm sure they exist. Another past life. So, how do I improve my life for today? That's a tough one. Move. Move back to Ohio. The problem is I can't do that by myself.
Lukewarm lullaby
Lucid dreaming
I can control my dreams but nothing in a wakeful state. What can I control? They say control what you can control and don't worry about the rest. What can I control?
What is that the Serenity prayor?
I don't even remember it.
Blow -- Blow harder -- Just blow man
I can try to type faster I can try to type faster I can try to ty pe faster
but nah man you don't need to go faster you need to go clearer
Lucid dreaming
I am dreaming
I am controlling my dream
the wakeful state is a dream -- a simulation
reality has dissapearred
don't be afraid don't be afraid don't be afraid
it's like drifting in the middle of the ocean when you know a boat is nearby
the sun beating down on the blue crystral waves
there maybe sharks but that is not likely -- they usually don't go for humans unless they are floating -- most humans don't float in most waters, treading water
treading water.
i learned to tread water at a young age and I had to swim the length of the pool in order to get my swimming certificate. i never go to the beach anymore. i have panic attacks when i'm on the road especially crossing bridges. it is the bane of my existence. exposure therapy is going s l o o o o o w .
i remember going to the clubs on High Street and listening to Nelly Furtado.
i remember going to the clubs in Buenos Aires and listening to David Guetta.
I remember going to the clubs in Las Vegas and listening to i don't remember
Where am I going?
I don't know.
Escape. I still look for escape. It's better to breathe.
Shit. I have to start thinking about taking my medications and going to bed. I have to wake up early tomorrow so I can have lunch with my brother who I never see.
I am exactly where I need to be right now. right now. right now. and the moment has passed. and there is a new moment. and there is a new moment. and i will seize the moment. and i will be gone for now.
click clakck clickity clakc cklak jack fact fiction diction puncture rupture function gumption candy dandy fandy landy pandy mandy morrison correction erection flection fleck of flack of flickity flicktion rapture capture dap dap dapture meany miney mo money mo problems cobblems cobbler corn on the cob bob fob rob mob pob and mother and father daughter tochter bruder food germ firm yet supple bubble butt plug HA!
Poopy diaper not for me -- never for me -- ever for me
No kids still problems -- what can i do?
This spontaneous prose thing is hard work when it should be easy -- no tellin'
What to write? After lifting my brain appears more empty... which is probably a good thing
I am not typing too fast -- slow like Codeine or Radiohead's Tourist
Which Radiohead is falling out of favor with me -- Too much apologies for Israel's behavior and in a way compared to a lot of stuff a lot of their stuff is not that original. I love Bending Hectic (The Smile) but it almost seems forumulaic like exactly at 6 min. we are going to climax on an 8 min. song. Although the Hail to the Theif live stuff is pretty good. What happened? Hail to the Theif to being Pro Israel. How many Palestinian children and innocents must die?
I read a book one time I think it was called The Artists's Way that every morning when one gets up they just type everything that comes to mind to free up the mind for creative endeavours. I also was studying Jack Keroac's poetry and he believed in spontaneous prose. I don't much care for On The Road by Jack Keroac but I find his poetry interesting. Not as good as Ginsberg but compelling in its own way. I would have been a Beatnik in those days most likely. I'm some form of beat in 2025.
I would like to have sex again at some point. I don't know if that is possible. At the gym today I think I stole this Hot Babe's spot on the military press. She was doing circuits and disappeared so I thought it was free but then she got next to me no a flat bench doing military press and we were going in unison. It felt kind of awkward but what is one to do? I have to get my lift in. I'm not listening to any music today but my parents are watching The Great British Bake Show or whatever it's called and I can hear noise from the TV.
It's odd that I don't have much on my mind but I am censoring my thoughts a bit too. I don't know if pure spontaneous prose exists. I can avoid censoring whatever is on the page though but it's difficult to not censor my thoughts.
What comes to mind is the first time I had sex. I like Patrice O'Neal's joke about having sex just to save images for jerking off. I like cowgirl and hitting it from the back. Missionary is obviously a classic. My brain has been molded by porn. Too much masturbation, not enough of the real thing. Jerking off to jackhammering I wish it were not ingrained. I don't think many or any women actually like being jackhammered into oblivion and the constant noise and orgasms is great for masturbation but not that realistic.
Let's talk about gated communities. I live in a gated community. It's actually quite nice in here. So, part of my identity is ribbing on bourgois / suburban life but I have one foot in and one foot out. Again, I am a hypocrite.
It is the primetime of my life, now, now, now, and I'm not really living it am I?
I'm too tired to do a lot of things but yet not tired enough to fall asleep. I am pumping out these journals to cope, to try and learn something about myself, to try and free myself of the chains. I don't think it really works but I have nothing else to do.
Let's try a spontaneous prose poem:
I was sitting by the river
contemplating life
the sky was pink with scattered pale, slate blue clouds
i ordered oysters with my salad
my pithy attempt to be vegan
46 million turkies died at the battle of thanksgiving
it wasn't much of a battle
fatten em up by any means necessary and then murder them one by one 46 million times
i ate some turkey today
i am a hypocrite and complicit
it doesn't keep me up at night
maybe i should make my lines longer like the beats
fragments are ok but the lines are longer in the beatnik poetry
this isn't really much of a poem
more like random thoughts
it's the primetime of my life now, now, now
and i am writing shitty poetry
typing on the keyboard is better than staring at the ceiling fan or a tree outside through the window
boredom, loneliness, tiredness
the funny thing is this could qualify as beat poetry
bad beat poetry but poetry nonetheless
i want to have sex with shakira
speak spanish to me baby, speak spanish to me babe
those hips don't lie
does everything come back to sex?
like the reason anyone does anything?
i wish to be stronger than that
a big factor in consumption is the fantasy surrounding what we are purchasing
there's always a narrative on how it will make our life better
usually that narrative is false -- not real
reality has disappeared
i love dark chocolate but it's not going to change my life
the same can be said for blueberries and white tea
i would say this "prose" has been pretty spontaneous but i wouldn't call it poetry
more like spontaneous stream of consciousness although it's not pure stream of consciousness
i don't know why i keep getting fragments of the night i jizzed my pants in a strip club
her "name" was lovely, she was lovely
sashayed up and asked to visit the backroom
i did my best to arouse her nipples
they never got erect
she was in it for the money
i was in it for the touch
i think about getting a sex worker today
lovely moved so well
her long hair moving
her taut body
the back tattoo
coke white tiger
i wish i had some coke
i wish i had had some coke
i jizzed my pants
i felt the warmth on my leg
it felt damn good in that moment
but then i realized i had to move through the strip club and drive home wasted
i got home and drank the rest of the hennessey
i passed out
sometimes i grow tired of consciousness
it's a lot sometimes
so much that i need to try and find touch at a strip club or find oblivion with a bottle
i wouldn't be opposed to visiting a sex worker today it's just a money issue and a legality issue
i just want touch
i want stimulating conversation
i want to do something other than sit here and drone on
this is not creative
i'm just typing whatever comes to my mind
i don't want to kill anyone
i'm afraid i'll call someone a nigger, retard, or faggot and get cancelled
that's kind of an odd one since i don't have any ill will for black people, mentally ill people, or LGBTQ people
the first time i had sex was with a sex worker and it was fantastic
she totally seduced me
i was be-witched by her kiss
it hit all the porn aesthetics
deep throat
cow girl with out the hands
double d breasts
she wasn't the most attractive in the face but her hair cascading down
hitting all the positions that look great for me without any consideration for her
there was no clit eating
it was exactly what i wanted and she got what she wanted -- la plata -- silver -- money -- dinero
i had a fantasy associated with how sex could go and i think my first experience exceeded that fantasy
i had sex with a real pro
we think of sex every 7 seconds?
the more we think about sex the more we think about sex?
the only people who are obsessed with sex are the undersexed and the oversexed?
i don't remember where i heard that
i just want some peace
i don't know if this is leading to peace
peace is such a fleeting state
i just want peace
i just want some peace
I'm just chillin' listening to RIVKA
now i'm just listening to radiohead the bends
i liked them better then
i wish i was bulletproof
this existence -- i think i might have some form of existential crisis everyday
that is ok if you are like 15 or 20 not 40
40 we are supposed to have our shit together
i have no idea how to live this life and i never will - the man who sleeps
when i went to paris i didn't have these problems
paris solved existence for me -- at least for a few days
it's 11:44 and i am exactly where i need to be right now
i am a sucker for numerology
the angels have my back -- at least for now
my beard is getting too long and same with my hair -- i'm thinking of going with a buzzcut and a beard fade for my next haircut -- it looks kind of weird to have really short hair and then a beard that is too long on the sides -- i think it looks much better to fade it into the sides although this is a trend i think it is a sound trend
i wish to be a monk, a minimalist, an anti-consumer,
i think a buzzcut and a beard fade acheive this the best
a little shampoo with zero hair product
i am not shaving everyday
even though i bought a bunch of shaving supplies -- oops
my hair product is running out and i dont wish to replenish it
now i'm starting to get tired
maybe read some baronness elsa and get some sleep
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United States. Oct 02 2025 05:14. Posts 9668
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