Navigating through the seasons - Page 12

Just watched Howl's Moving Castle. Studio Ghibli is so extraordinary and wholesome. It is my duty that my nephews and niece watch all of Studio Ghibli.

I just laid down for a little bit. Didn't sleep a wink. Just stared at the ceiling fan for like 20 min. It feels like I have to control everything. I can't sleep for the night because I have to let the dog out tonight and tomorrow morning and I don't work until 2pm. With my schedule changing all the time it feels like I am living in perpetual jet lag. Not fun. I don't feel like studying poetry or reading Bolaño. I may end up watching some The Summer Hikaru Died. I don't really know. I may end up watching some 90s All-Japan Pro Wrestling. I am down for suggestions but I realize I am alone on this Earth for the most part and have to figure it out myself.

90s All-Japan Pro Wrestling brought me to a 10/10. Matches weren't even great. Kobayashi v Bam Bam Bigelow was kind of fun and then Kobayashi v "Dr Death" Steve Williams was pretty good. Too tired to watch Misawa v Kawada 6/3/94 which is probably my favorite wrestling match of all time.

I walk alone

bounded by music

and the colors of this wabi sabi Autumn down here.

The Mercedez, the BMWs, the Porsches pass me by. I wonder how some can have so much and some can have so little. All the houses, more or less the same. One of four color schemes to make Joyville full of joy! The car collections in the driveway. The state of the art lawnmower hidden safely in the garage. Until it's time to show the world their lawn.

Bound by the music, bound by the colors. I wish to meditate in deep space. Or else, something new, something different.

Cookin' up store brand spaghetti with store brand marinara and jerking off to Valentina Nappi is pleasurable but unfortunately I can't fool myself that it's the real thing.

I want what is real. Do I want what is real? What is real?

Pain is real, about as real as it gets. Pleasure is fleeting, is irredeemable.

Let me see the world from a new light like tonight.

I am a spoiled child.



How do I rectify that?

I am a spoiled child. How do I rectify that?

I want independence. I'm scared of independence.

Dark chocolate covered ginger and jasmine white tea is the answer (sort of). I can't always run to a warm blanket.

My therapist was trying to convince me that basically just because I've had a hard past doesn't mean my present and future can't be terrific. I've been thinking that a lot of my problems stem from being a spoiled child. The first born in the whole family tree -- the heir to the king. I had whatever I wanted as a kid. My college was paid for. I'm still subsidized by my parents. I guess the way to break thet cycle is to just break the cycle. Hold back the freight train runnin'.

I was telling my therapist I've been doing a whole lot of work and chores lately. Props to her for saying I'm a human-being and not a human-doing. That I need to make time for me and my creative efforts.

I think I hold on to a deeply entrenched spoiled child. I have serious traumas from my drinking and drugging and also my depressions and manic episodes. I guess I just keep going with the knowledge of this stuff. That locomotive is moving fast and strong. I have to face it with equal or greater speed and strength. I am not sure I can even do this by myself but it seems I have to do everything by myself. Honestly, I would prefer not to but some of us know what happens to Bartleby in that story.

I don't know if I have anything else to add. I am tired but not quite ready for sleep. I rewatched Misawa v Kawada circa 6/3/94. It was brilliant. I had goosebumps. Not as great as when 16 year old me found a VHS tape of All Japan Pro Wrestling back in the day but I had some nostalgia going for me tonight. I was high on vodka and vicodin the first time I saw that match. Quite the warm blanket. I remember passing out soon after.

I'm sick of shitting but I can't control that besides not eating.

I'm sick of washing my hair and putting product in it. I can get a buzzcut or wear hats.

Why do we buy clothes?

To be clothed.

We can't be naked in modern society but I have a hunch there are other reasons.

There is no such thing as authenticity. We cannot win authenticity from what we wear. We can signal status. That is about it. We can signal. That is about it. Seems kind of fake to me but here we are. We have to make a choice. Some choice. As in most endeavours the vegans are the most noble.

la di da di da..... . . . . .

Just waiting on some clothes in the dryer. Just waitin' around to die (Townes Van Zandt). I know I said I was going to use the dryer less but it's just easier..... . . . . . . . . .

I am a hypocrite. I am a heretic. I am just a guy trying to consume less. I was eating spaghetti and marinara (store brand). It got the job done but it wasn't great. I was going to eat more but the market had frozen pizzas on sale. I bought some t-shirts made in Asia and they have gone to shit pretty quick here. So, today I bought some more t-shirts on sale made in Asia... I don't know how to break the cycle. I am buying shirts to be cool and not ethical and that is very uncool. I have been searching for the right t-shirt my entire life and I still haven't found the one. Even if I found the one it's not like this would enrich my life in any real way. I want to move to Italy where there is only one kind of sea salt: sea salt. Ingredients: sea salt. One goes to the grocery store and has one option for sea salt: sea salt.

But I need to search through 53489756476534899 t-shirts to find "The One." It's an impossible game. What is even reasonable to spend on a t-shirt? I know that $200 is way too much and $10 is probably too little. A trip to the thrift store is probably worthwhile but I can't drive there.

I fell into a trap. The hooks got me. Eating hooks trying to find happiness. It never works. Meditation is the way. Thrift stores are the way. Minimalism is the way. Anti-consumerism is the way. But, I know exactly how I want my t-shirt to fit but I don't have the skills to bring it into the world. I keep talking about it I should learn how to cut patterns and sew. It's the same themes over and over. I'm somewhat damaged but I'm working on it.

Now, I'm really waitin' around to die. Waiting around to sleep. I've got Portishead playing in the crib. That is a good start but I don't really like this idea of waiting around to sleep or die. I would like to have more going on in my life than to just "throw away" time on writing on here. I don't have anything going on in my life though. I don't feel like reading Barronness Elsa, Bolaño, studying poetry, or watching 90s All Japan Pro Wrestling. I am not sure exactly on how to deal with being somewhat damaged. Just slowly I guess. Continue working with a therapist. Maybe I should start working with an AA sponsor again?

I don't think people doing two times as much or three times as much stuff are two times or three times better than me. Same with people with two times or three times as much stuff, ETC. Maybe I am ok with just sitting around contemplating a bit.