Navigating through the seasons - Page 16

Anyone heard of Eugène Ionesco?

Romanian-French have a good track record for this sort of thing (Cioran).

Merde. La vie est absurde. Nous continuons.

Unless I have something to do I have to stop considering the concept of time when I practice my bass. It is about quality versus quantity and if I am doing it right I will lose track of time. Practicing from my method book so I get the exercizes right 5 times in a row for roughly 15 min - 30 min and then having fun and practicing songs for as long as I am having fun seems to be the sweet spot at the moment. It's about quality, technique, musicality over time and speed. I know I contradicted myself putting a timer on the method book practice but I just need to plan out exercizes that typically fall in that range and just forget about it.

I can't seem to get away from stress today. So, I'll engage in something that seems to separate myself from stress: White tea and LP. I found out today my sister is getting a divorce so that is stressful but more stressful is my mom is freaking out about it. My dad is pretty cool about the divorce but is high on Oxycodone watching anti-human caused climate change videos and other right-wing bullshit on YouTube. I've had a lift and 2 walks and still feel like the general atmosphere is not how I want it. Merde. La vie est absurde. Nous continuons.

I remember I was at a wedding: Designer tuxedo, Veuve Clicquot, pocket full of hundred dollar bills, sitting next to an alluring young lady I had some good history with. We were talking about something banal or stimulating or whatever. I don't remember. I do remember her pulling out her purse and placing a condom on the table in front of everyone. The way she was looking at me gave me an instant erection. She calmly placed the condom in her purse and acted like nothing had happened. I wanted to take her right then, right there on the table. We went to dance. She couldn't dance. That should not have mattered but I pivoted to another alluring young lady I had some good history with. I ran out of steam and fell asleep, sexless. I was up all night the previous night engaged in an orgy. What do you do after the orgy? Go to the masked ball? No, I lost steam and passed out. It doesn't really matter. I put together my best dancing of my life at that wedding apart from the rave where I was flying on all sorts of drugs including alcohol, weed, speed, MDMA. That is the best piece of dancing I've ever put together in my life but this wedding was #2. It doesn't really matter. Peu importe. Yet, here I am writing about it all these years later.

The point is for many years I lived for getting fucked up and chasing sex or eventually knowing how to let sex come to me. Usually the man has to make a move at a decisive moment but usually the woman will set it up perfectly for the man to spike the ball. I put together some virtuoso performances on some New Years' Eve nights. I had some absolute train wreck NYEs. "Kiss Ally at midnight and you won't be sorry," Ally's best friend tells me. At midnight I'm no where to be found because I'm passed out on the steps in a puddle of my own vomit. The times I hit are whatever. It's the times that I miss that seem to haunt me. If I hit they would just be the times I hit that are whatever. It doesn't really matter. Ça ne fait rien.

One thing about these things is that I had anxiety. Then and always. I still do. It seems better in some ways. I don't sweat through shirts anymore. I don't need alcohol to function. But, I used to be able to drive anywhere without any problems.

I have anxiety. That does matter. It effects everything in my life. I've been on benzos. I loved it. I love benzos. I'll be honest. I love benzos. The dependence and withdrawal on those things are hideous though. That psychiatrist should not have prescribed them for me. I'm glad I didn't end up like ole Peterson going to Russia getting involved in induced comas and the like... yet.

I miss going to the AA meetings in Pittsburgh.

I don't laugh as much as I used to. I miss laughing. I laughed a lot in 2008. I laughed a lot in 2014. I used to be funny. I'm not sure if I'm all that funny anymore.

Happy New Year

On January 01 2026 23:27 PuertoRican wrote: Happy New Year

Happy New Year!

It is the new year. How could I not reflect?

Sometimes I think I just need to get things off my chest. I don't have AA or friends today. Sometimes I need to look back in history and just blurt it out or think about it or both. When Xyla pulled that condom out and had that look in her eye that is a memorable moment for me. It reminded me of the look in the woman's eye at my job. It got me horned up for like a week. I think I am over it now. Life is boring. At least I have my bass guitar, Expedition 33, Bolaño, among other things.

I have fallen on a good method of practicing bass. I go through the exercises of my method book until I can get it perfect 5 times. That's even on the first 10 exercises. Perfect. Perfect musicality, perfect groove. In that case, it is almost as if practicing songs can be detrimental versus practicing the fundamentals but it is fun practicing songs and songs test my fundamentals.

I didn't even play Expedition 33 today. It's like I get performance anxiety and also to be honest some of the fighting is tedius. It's fun to figure it out but I am mostly playing for the story and the art. A friend told me I could just watch a movie instead but this game is phenomenal. I think I have a bit of performance anxiety with the bass too even though I am just playing in my bedroom. I worry that I am fucking up and creating bad habits at times because over the past month I definitly fucked up and created bad habits although it's not that severe. The fact is for the first 3 months I am training the fundamentals and in the beginning my hands and fingers are not always going to cooperate. I had performance anxiety in poker as well. It led me to not putting in enough hands. I was talking to Phil Galfond and he said something like perfectionist is also related to imposter syndrom. I really should remember that conversation I had with Galfond because that dude is super sharp but I guess it doesn't really matter now.

I'm horny, I'm bored, I'm lonely, I'm tired. The alluring Other would fit in nicely. That's why I talk about it. I'm frustrated because nothing can replace love. I mostly distract myself. Most of my distractions have value.

Beach in Hawaii by Ziggy Marley just came on the radio. I remember I listened to that song on repeat for 8 hours and won $25,000 at Tom's dining room table overlooking the pool area. That was poker at it's finest. If only I could have had conversations with Galfond sooner. Not that Tom was any slouch. He was only one of the best No Limit Hold 'Em players in the world for a time. I might not even make $25,000 this year.

It's also weird talking to people at work about how I have an undergraduate degree from a great school and I am a retail cashier at age 40. It's a bit of an ego thing I suppose but it's also just weird. I am a sum of my actions but how did I get here and how do I get out? There is Sartre's idea of radical freedom but I don't think I am that free. I am caught in residual sludge. External sludge. Most of it I can't even see. It's difficult.

Mac Miller just came on the radio. I was friends with Mac Miller's cousin. I didn't know who Mac Miller was. Plus, at that point he was mostly gone on drugs. Maybe wanting to get clean but not getting clean. It's a shame regardless. I used to go to jails with this cat. We'd take a shot of triple espresso and go HAM at these AA meetings. I gave him my old grill before moving. It was likely a mistake to move. I did not have a good job at the time and I couldn't find a place to live although I did not look for a better job or a place to live. Inertia brought me down here 10 years ago. Flowing down the river. I don't know if I could have swam against the current but I could have tried or at least swam sideways to land. It's kind of similar today. Getting a better job and finding a place to live is swimming against the current for me but I could probably make more of an effort. Trying to find all the sludge and impediments is a really tricky thing. As much as I like Sartre as a philosophical character I don't think I am radically free and authenticity is a nice idea but no one is actually authentic. To Sartre's credit he carved out a seemingly nice life for himself at like 5 foot nothing and ugly as hell. He got close to authenticity. He was close to radical freedom. He could have as easily been a black-pilled fatalist but he made something of his life. I am doing everything in my powers to not be a black-pilled fatalist.

Whatever. I need to get some sleep. Demain veindra. Nous continuons.

Just taking a break from some bass playing. I am going super back to the basics and I'm moving very slowly. Literally starting at the beginning of my method book and not moving forward until I can play everything 100% with musicality and groove. It's better than just reinforcing bad habits playing all these songs. Although playing songs is fun and also reinforces fundamentals IF the fundamentals are strong enough and I'm not reverting back to bad form. The form for the bass guitar is a little different than regular electric. I have years on the electric so I want to go back to that form when I'm playing more difficult songs. I need to separate it and just get bass form on bass and electric guitar form on electric guitar. It's a slow climb up the mountain but it's something to do. Music is a higher revelation than wisdom or philosophy (Beethoven).

I know I joked that my "WHY" is jerking off to Mia Malkova and taking a nap but I haven't jerked off or taken a nap in who knows how long. I'll probably end up just jerking off in the shower thinking about the girl from Greensboro that I'll probably never see again. I don't really know what my "WHY" is but it seems gimmicky and griftery. It's not that simple. There is no meaning to life. It's not about mere survival. Maybe it is some complicated math problem of pain and pleasure. This conversation is boring me I'm off to play Expedition 33. Nous continuons.

"Good-hearted mediocrity"

I was reading this book (Bolaño) that mentioned "good-hearted mediocrity" and I thought that is a good explanation of my life or maybe what I am striving for. We aren't supposed to strive for "good-hearted mediocrity" but why not?

I am feeling a bit stressed. I figure sippin' on some white tea and making a post might make me feel better. Maybe, maybe not. Both of my sisters are getting a divorce in the same week. It's for the better. Divorces seem very unpleasant any way you cut it though. I think what is stressing me out is that it is really stressing my parents out. I'm just sittin' here listening to some OM. I am also doing laundry. The tree outside of my window is leafless. It is winter. Navigating through the seasons.

I did a setup on my bass and the E-string is still buzzing when I fret. Trussrod is fine. The strings were too close to the neck so I adjusted the bridge saddles. There is a bit more action but I'm fine with that. It plays better. I checked the nut. It is fine. I fixed the intonation. I decided not to touch the pickups because the sound is perfectly fine coming out of the amp. The fact that fretting the E-string is still causing buzzing has been frustrating me today. I don't have the answers and I should just accept that I need a luthier or a guitar tech. I'm still glad I did a setup by myself. A guitar probably needs a setup anytime new strings are put on or if the guitar has been through a humidity change.

I just adjusted my trussrod. Call me high action Jackson. I can always re-adjust if it is too ridiculous but getting this damn bass setup is like my new white whale. It's always possible some of the frets were cut wonky or the nut is fucked but I think at that point it's time to take it to a professional luthier.

We'll see what this fucking truss rod does overnight. The fucking fret is probably uneven or the nut is cut too low but I don't get any buzz on open strings. Too much contradictory information on the internet to start filing frets or messing with the nut. Could potentially be technique but I know how to fret and it buzzes with the gentlest of plucks. After the last test it was only the first fret on the E string which leads me to believe it's a fucking uneven fret. Oh well, all I can do is let some time pass and see how the truss rod adjustment effects things. At least I'm learning more about the bass guitar and getting closer to my instrument. It's maybe a good thing for learning as lesser buzz means I'm doing something right with technique but that first fret on the E string is horrendous no matter how perfect my technique is.

I've been taking a step back lately and looking more into spirituality. I'm re-reading The Gospels in Brief by Tolstoy. I realize it is an interpretation of an interpretation but I seem to get a lot out of it. I'm done with the adjustments on my guitar. I don't want to mess with the truss rod or the bridge saddles anymore. It is what it is until I can get it to a luthier or guitar tech. I just play through it. It's entirely possible I went into a Guitar Center and bought a lemon and I was too much of a noob to discern it. I just fell in love with the thing. How can you not fall in love with a 70s Fender P bass even if it is made in Indonesia? I've learned my lesson. I've learned many lessons. I just hope someone can fix it even if that someone is not me.

Looking at all of this stuff over again there are a lot of similar insights taken from Buddhism or Christianity. I am very under-educated in Islam. The Quran may be the next place I look. I wonder if a Quran in brief exists interpreted by someone I can trust? It would probably be wise to start a meditation practice again.

Case in point that sensual pleasures are not to be chased. I ate at a bougie restaurant and went to look at Rembrants today. There was some pleasure but in the end it was mostly dissatisfying.

I really think that body fat % is more important than shoulder/lat width. Shoulder breadth is mostly genetic I would say. A lot can be done with focusing on the medial delt and lats but losing some body fat % / decreasing the waist is going to have more of an impact. The same can be said for bringing out back definition. It's why I am in a cutting phase. Well, I am cutting mostly because I need to lose more body fat. I was on the maingain train (body recomposition) for a while but that yielded some great results and it's time to trim off some fat while hopefully holding on to the muscle I have built over the past year. Bodybuilding can be vain, it can be sculpture, it can be a key component of mental health, it can be a lot of things.

It's about spirit and deeds. What do you think it's about?

if someone slaps me in the mouth and i punch them in the chin and knock them out
i am more evil
and that might lead to them stabbing me or something
which might lead me to kill them
versus
forgiveness is interesting too
it is better to forgive
and not be apart of someone's life
if they constantly wrong me
corporations are kind of evil
but i take their money in order to eat and wear clothing and etc.
but i should never give them my soul
never ever let that happen
my soul belongs to god
i'm a slave to money but i must not give money my soul
i'm a slave to god
it's complicated and confusing
on money it says "in god we trust"
and we are negotiating with an unblinking benjamin franklin
we can never win
maybe we can win if we don't let money completely captivate us

I wish to live. I wish to live from this day forward in the Spirit and good deeds. No ill actions towards my fellow man. How do I not lust for women? The curvature of the leg in black leggings. That sweet, angelic face of the Italian MILF speaking Italian to her voluptuous friend. Too many to count or name. My only oath is to God to live in the Spirit and do good. Resist not evil. Evil only breeds more evil. I intend to love all of humanity as if they are my brothers. They are my brothers from God. Earth citizens regardless if they are foreigners or strangers. Let Thy will be done.

I keep my deoderant next to my mement mori skull in my bookcase. On one hand I need deoderant to be integrated into society of sorts. On the other hand I need to remember to die. It is inevitable for humans to wear deoderant in order to not be offensive. It is inevitable for humans to perish.

Is my recent resurgance in spirituality the fad of the winter? Only time will tell. Even Jesus faltered in his faith. I think Jesus's 5 commandments outlined in The Gospels in Brief by Tolstoy are reasonable. The idea to live in the Spirit and do good deeds is sound. The idea to live in God's will and not my own can be tricky. Commandments are man made. How do I know that I am in God's will? There really is no evidence of a God. There is evidence of a Universe and science. Repeating "Let Thy will be done" to the ceiling is more of a mantra than anything else?

I have trouble living. I need help. A therapist is not enough. A therapist can help but a therapist is not enough.