Joeingram1 United States. Dec 18 2012 09:12. Posts 943
I've been getting a few messages recently to blog more but everytime I get in the zone I end up doing something else and falling out of it. I write the blog in my head and than I just forget all about it until the next time comes up where I want to write. As the people who have read my blogs know I'm very very honest and open in what I write. Some say it might be to a negative point but really I don't see a reason not to be, this is me, this is my life, this is what I think, this is whats on my mind. I think so many people experience things in their life and never talk about it or express it in writing for themselves. Since moving over here to Australia I really haven't had anyone to talk to, I have my friends I skype with sometimes but it just doesn't feel the same to me, almost not real.
I should give an obligatory poker update since my last blog had to do my current poker mindset/strategy. I pretty much decided to do a 180 from what I wrote about before. I was chatting with a fellow mass multi tabler who has played some PLO but not a ton of volume and he was saying he wanted to start mass multi tabling for VPP. I tried explaining him how this wouldn't work out but if he was going to try it some things he could do that would be effective. Then I started looking at my recent results and saying to myself why don't I try all this shit I am talking myself. I realized that I needed to play less hands when I was only playing a few tables but just couldn't figure out how to do that effectively and in turn my variance was insane and I was making many mistakes. I decided to try mass tabling again with a different approach to the game pre and post flop and see what the effect would be. In turn my sessions become much less stressful, much lower variance, hands became easy to play and in turn started winning in bunches. All the terrible spots I found myself in before went away and was able to essentially revamp my pre/post play and still add in parts of my game that I felt like worked effective when I was playing like a maniac. I guess the problem now becomes that playing midstakes is pretty boring when you have like 500 buyins for the limit you play and no motivation to go with it. I really have no desire to play 5/10 ever again so using that as a goal or building block to work towards isn't really in the picture. Everything I would want to spend money on I already have, excluding some extravagent car purchase, which really doesn't interest me anymore. I think this is just a phase that can be explained by the next paragraph though.
I feel some long writing coming on here but might be good for me. I basically decided to write this after my last tweet which had to do with my mom telling me I should never do drugs because they are bad for your mind and body whereas I countered with what about doing them to the point where you are not abusing them. The overall idea behind it was finding a balance with it. I have heard many people say that it can ruin your mind, but to me my mind has been locked in some sort of black hole all my life and never thought past some sort of basic level. I think right now I'm also just having an adverse reaction to recent events that have transpired here while being in Sydney and my mind just has no idea how to react or what to do so constant thoughts like this come into my mind. Not sure I wrote much about this but I moved here to Sydney for someone I met in Ibiza this summer and did some traveling with throughout Europe after. At the time it was like magic being with her and really felt like I HAD to come here to see the possibilities of finding something special that I never have experienced before. Throughout my dating life I really have never liked anyone in this way, a majority of the time feelings would never stick around for a long time and subsequently I never really ended up dating anyone in a serious way. Then comes earlier this year, I'm doing amazing poker wise, finally going out for the first time in my life and at some point with a few poker friends of mine I decide that I should try something I never have before. Since this time I have looked at the idea of love in a totally different way. I don't think I have ever loved anyone previous to this year but now in my life I have found love that I never knew I could feel with some constants in my life in addition to falling in love with 3 people this year. 2 of these the first time we met both of us were on another level together which in turn feelings that I never imagined I could ever feel for anyone else were experienced. One of the problems with this is that you are tricked into thinking this type of feeling will always be there which is what happened in the case of my Sydney adventure I embarked on.
When I arrived here everything started off well, which is to be expected. As things progressed I became pretty unhappy with my poor poker results and having no good friends out here to talk to about anything eventually detoriating the relationship we had. I don't really want to get much into the relationship but while I was telling myself that I'm going to really give it my best try mentally and try to make things work here because really I didn't have any other options for anything else out here, she had already moved on and was staying with me to make me happy and lying to me about what she was doing, her feelings, other stuff. Only after being confronted with actual evidence of did she finally admit to some of the lying that had been going on for weeks now. In a way I was quite impressed with the ability to come off us such a genuine nice caring person while also being a pathological liar with the ability to lie about something for hours/days/weeks. I have lied to women in my dating life to a certain extent, most of the time being I would not say something like "yes im dating you and 2 other girls as well" but those relationships were never serious and I rarely would find myself saying things like I actually care about you alot or your the only one for me type of things but once I actually made the move here to Sydney I decide that I would try this way of living out. Being honest, one woman, really caring for the person and in turn when something like this happens I just feel crushed to a point I have never quite felt before. I'm sure alot of the reason is that i'm in fucking Australia and barely know anyone else but at the same time I realllllly cared for this pos so its like on one hand i wish death and on the other hand it makes sense to me. Those first times we had together in our zone tricked us into thinking that more was possible when in reality it wasn't there. lol no idea where I was going with any of this but I think it was just explaing how I got to the point where I decided to make my last tweet I made. Writing this stuff out I think is good for me and will help me overcome these crazy thoughts running through my mind.
So now here I am still in Sydney, I have a sick place for 2 more months, a 5k bed that I never want to leave, whole bunch of other stuff I bought because I thought I would be here for a long time and really haven't achieved much of anything. So I decided that I would get out there in the world and see what Sydney has. Have been doing a bit more raging lately and you guys can probably guess that in turn I start feeling a little out of this world more often and my mind starts thinking ideas that have never come up for myself before. I am hoping once I move past this recent breakup that I will be able to learn from it and look at things differently but until then I really have no fucking idea what to do or think or feel. Poker not sure where to go, life not sure where to go, so many options, so many ideas, never want to make the wrong decision and live with regret.
Joey
0 votes
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DaEm0niCuS United States. Dec 18 2012 09:30. Posts 3292
You moved half way around the world to another country to live with some girl you barely knew. What could possibly go wrong? You got owned bro. Woman be crazy. Druggie partier turned out to be a liar.. ohh snap.
Any ways enough of that. I feel some life lessons have to be learned through experience, this is likely one of them. Consider things a bit more carefully next time and look at a person more thoroughly before you decide to make such a large investment. Be a bit more objective and ask people who you respect for their opinions. Basically treat relationships more like poker.
Regroup !
It's just the std after effect of being rejected by someone you had feelings for .... Fall back on friends or family, move out of Sydney asap if you feel its getting worse !
Something that I think rings true for me from reading this blog and I am starting to believe rings true for every human being is that everyone should have some "peoples' shoulders to cry on." I put it in that tone as it's different than being negative or complaining. Or in the simplest terms: Friends. Just some human beings that one can jive with, get away with and/or blow off some steam/have fun/lose yourself/whatever you want to call it. A broad, diverse yet personal, sincere group of Friends. A balance of Friends. That is "Balance." You can't get away and blow off steam about dating/girlfriend issues with dates/girlfriends. You can't get away and blow off steam from frustrations at work at work. You can't get away and blow off steam from annoyances with family with family that is annoying you. Hell, sometimes you just need to get away from everything and go to a friend in the form of books, exercise, x skill/hobby that you enjoy.
This seems incredibly simple and it probably is but it also seems to be one of the first things every human takes for granted at times.
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PuertoRican United States. Dec 18 2012 15:57. Posts 13044
For future blogs, don't focus on having to sit down and write out some long blog, cuz you might get sick of it eventually, or just not find any free time to do it.
I'd suggest keeping a file that you update every now and then with random things that are happening to you throughout the month that you think is worth talking about, and then at the end of every month, you can go back to that file and expand on all of those past entries and compose better blogs.
p.s. You aren't living in Perth, are you? This chick I knew back in the day from Australia said that all the girls in Perth are sluts, and are known for fucking all of the foreigners. There's U.S. Navy port there and there's always fresh guys coming in and apparently have their way with the locals. I've heard this from one other too.
I don't know you so it's a bit inappropriate to speculate, but you may want to ask yourself if you became a bit difficult to be around when things started to go bad with poker. I don't know if this is the case for you but I've witnessed pretty dramatic bad mood transference from people who wind up in extended bad runs, myself included. The loss of confidence and the fact that playing poker becomes an experience of suffering really can translate into your day to day mood. Good chance it's not the case for you but a lot of people get pretty grouchy/bitchy when they're tens of thousands in the hole on EV.
Sorry dude he Jason Bourned me. -Johnny Drama
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bigredhoss Cook Islands. Dec 18 2012 18:09. Posts 8648
On December 18 2012 13:47 Achoo wrote:
It's just the std after effect
Browsing through your hand histories makes me wonder that you might not be aware these games are possibly play money. Have you ever tried to cash out? - Kapol
On December 18 2012 08:30 DaEm0niCuS wrote:
You moved half way around the world to another country to live with some girl you barely knew. What could possibly go wrong? You got owned bro. Woman be crazy. Druggie partier turned out to be a liar.. ohh snap.
Any ways enough of that. I feel some life lessons have to be learned through experience, this is likely one of them. Consider things a bit more carefully next time and look at a person more thoroughly before you decide to make such a large investment. Be a bit more objective and ask people who you respect for their opinions. Basically treat relationships more like poker.
fuck that, even if it failed it was a good move, better to do things and fail than not doing and live wondering "what if"
Browsing through your hand histories makes me wonder that you might not be aware these games are possibly play money. Have you ever tried to cash out? - Kapol
"so many options, so many ideas, never want to make the wrong decision and live with regret."
Worse than this is constantly worrying about making the wrong decision and living with regret and instead not making any decisions at all. You don't seem like the type to do that, just pointing out that once in awhile you gotta take a chance and sometimes it's not gonna work out, but it might still be better than had you never taken it at all and were always wondering what might have been.
On December 18 2012 08:30 DaEm0niCuS wrote:
You moved half way around the world to another country to live with some girl you barely knew. What could possibly go wrong? You got owned bro. Woman be crazy. Druggie partier turned out to be a liar.. ohh snap.
Any ways enough of that. I feel some life lessons have to be learned through experience, this is likely one of them. Consider things a bit more carefully next time and look at a person more thoroughly before you decide to make such a large investment. Be a bit more objective and ask people who you respect for their opinions. Basically treat relationships more like poker.
fuck that, even if it failed it was a good move, better to do things and fail than not doing and live wondering "what if"
yea i tend to agree more with player999 and zachvac because even if shit turns out terrible, you can still make a good situation out of everything
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Joeingram1 United States. Dec 19 2012 00:37. Posts 943
On December 18 2012 14:25 RiKD wrote:
Something that I think rings true for me from reading this blog and I am starting to believe rings true for every human being is that everyone should have some "peoples' shoulders to cry on." I put it in that tone as it's different than being negative or complaining. Or in the simplest terms: Friends. Just some human beings that one can jive with, get away with and/or blow off some steam/have fun/lose yourself/whatever you want to call it. A broad, diverse yet personal, sincere group of Friends. A balance of Friends. That is "Balance." You can't get away and blow off steam about dating/girlfriend issues with dates/girlfriends. You can't get away and blow off steam from frustrations at work at work. You can't get away and blow off steam from annoyances with family with family that is annoying you. Hell, sometimes you just need to get away from everything and go to a friend in the form of books, exercise, x skill/hobby that you enjoy.
This seems incredibly simple and it probably is but it also seems to be one of the first things every human takes for granted at times.
I agree with this soooo much and think its one of the biggest issues I've faced being over here. I really have never quite thought about it in the context which you wrote but i think its such a great thing to do and to have in your life. I'm copying this to my notes I read often so I don't forget it. Thanks
On December 18 2012 14:57 PuertoRican wrote:
For future blogs, don't focus on having to sit down and write out some long blog, cuz you might get sick of it eventually, or just not find any free time to do it.
I'd suggest keeping a file that you update every now and then with random things that are happening to you throughout the month that you think is worth talking about, and then at the end of every month, you can go back to that file and expand on all of those past entries and compose better blogs.
p.s. You aren't living in Perth, are you? This chick I knew back in the day from Australia said that all the girls in Perth are sluts, and are known for fucking all of the foreigners. There's U.S. Navy port there and there's always fresh guys coming in and apparently have their way with the locals. I've heard this from one other too.
Not living in Perth but have heard some similar things. I usullay jot down some notes in my iphone when I think of something I want to write about but its usually just hard for me to actually start writing, once I do I can kinda keep going but its just that mental block of sitting down to begin with. I might need to start taking more notes though
On December 18 2012 15:26 Funktion wrote:
Sounds like you were in lust not love.
Anyway just don't hang with wobbly, you'll probably go suicidal if that happens.
I have thought about this soooo much and I really think I was in Love in these instances and not lust. I've been in lust in a 1 on 1 setting with a girl probably 500 times in my life and in these other instances it just feels other worldly. lol might be able to help Wobbly get some girls and pwn it up a bit irl so might not be a bad thing to hang with him
On December 18 2012 16:07 Bejamin1 wrote:
I don't know you so it's a bit inappropriate to speculate, but you may want to ask yourself if you became a bit difficult to be around when things started to go bad with poker. I don't know if this is the case for you but I've witnessed pretty dramatic bad mood transference from people who wind up in extended bad runs, myself included. The loss of confidence and the fact that playing poker becomes an experience of suffering really can translate into your day to day mood. Good chance it's not the case for you but a lot of people get pretty grouchy/bitchy when they're tens of thousands in the hole on EV.
Well this actually did happen, I kinda wrote about it a bit but didn't really want to dive more into detail about it. As my mood started to go downhill I did become harder to deal with to the point she thought she was the reason I was acting like I was. In reality poker does some crazy stuff to your mind and thoughts and its hard for someone that doesn't actually play themselves to ever quite understand that. I def was pretty grouchy/bitchy after a few weeks of it happening and it really didn't start to get better until recently. By then it was much to late and things both of us were mentally checked out.
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Joeingram1 United States. Dec 19 2012 00:39. Posts 943
On December 18 2012 08:35 Mariuslol wrote:
u could maybe make one of them lists, I hear that's pretty popular with people who have enough money, and ain't tied up in anything.
Things u want to do before you die shit!!
Could also maybe perhaps try and find out what's the coolest/smartest things to learn shit, then take courses for it/travel to where it's best.
Or learn shit u dreamt about as a kid, to see if that fills you with passion n stuff xD
Maybe read 15 of them self help books in my time, they all kinda say the same "It seems we're quite happy when we learn/grow".
Ok, that's all I have atm lol
Thanks Marius I'm actually going to do a few of these ideas and think its a GREAT idea. Thank you I think I like idea one the best but I can actually use #3 on a smaller scale. Like I have always wanted to learn how to swim (noob I know wtf why cant i swim) so this is a good time to try to learn these new things
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PuertoRican United States. Dec 19 2012 02:57. Posts 13044
Regarding your note taking, have you heard of Evernote?
Video, voice, picture, text, etc., in the form of notes. http://evernote.com
I use it for school, but it's pretty good for anyone who's on the go.
On December 18 2012 08:30 DaEm0niCuS wrote:
You moved half way around the world to another country to live with some girl you barely knew. What could possibly go wrong? You got owned bro. Woman be crazy. Druggie partier turned out to be a liar.. ohh snap.
Any ways enough of that. I feel some life lessons have to be learned through experience, this is likely one of them. Consider things a bit more carefully next time and look at a person more thoroughly before you decide to make such a large investment. Be a bit more objective and ask people who you respect for their opinions. Basically treat relationships more like poker.
fuck that, even if it failed it was a good move, better to do things and fail than not doing and live wondering "what if"
yea i tend to agree more with player999 and zachvac because even if shit turns out terrible, you can still make a good situation out of everything
Yes... indeed. We can sing while sinking. Or play the violin:
fuck I should just sell some of my Pokemon cards, if no one stakes that is what I will have to do - lostaccount
Last edit: 19/12/2012 04:50
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PandaSaurus Australia. Dec 19 2012 06:22. Posts 1651
Dude, fuck poker! You're only here two more months and Australia has so much more to offer than Sydney.
Take the next two months off and rage around the country. Poker will be there when you get home; Australia won't!
I guess he probably used MDMA/XTC since he partied a lot this summer, and has been quite depressed afterwards.
Anyway if you used it for the first time this year it might just be the drugs(I was quite depressed for a long time aswell the first time I used anyway).
Just start working out some and eat properly and dont use again before you feel normal.
I loled
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DooMeR United States. Dec 20 2012 00:13. Posts 8546
definitely sounds like love to me the way you described it. its really cool that you shared it joey. Brought a tear to my eye because you're obviously pouring your heart out. Definitely sounds like love to me and though it sucks and you got deceived. Don't be results oriented! You made a decision based on what you knew at the time. It all felt right and you had no obligations holding you back. And if your not going to act on something as strong as that, when you're in the position to take chances and not get too hurt by it not working out. Then your just playing scared money with life. Some people are just too scared to take risks especially with emotions. This will end in a positive way in the end though. And after this experience you now probably know a lot more about yourself and what you want in the future. Its gonna take some sorting out but i think you'll be more than fine .
I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance, by running away from the scene of an accident.
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Joeingram1 United States. Dec 20 2012 03:20. Posts 943
On December 19 2012 06:49 ReDDcaFFe wrote:
What drugs are you using?
this. You cant jsut say ur using "drugs" and not mention it dawg. And werent u living in chicago? what happned
i was just visiting back home for about a month, was alot of mdma and k with some others mixed in
On December 19 2012 15:17 Pinda wrote:
I guess he probably used MDMA/XTC since he partied a lot this summer, and has been quite depressed afterwards.
Anyway if you used it for the first time this year it might just be the drugs(I was quite depressed for a long time aswell the first time I used anyway).
Just start working out some and eat properly and dont use again before you feel normal.
Using actually made me feel quite alive for the first time and certainly didnt bring on any depression. This whole ordeal here combined with losing lots of money has brought on bits of it but I wouldn't say I am depressed about life right now, Im still in a great position, but moreso upset by what happened
Using actually made me feel quite alive for the first time and certainly didnt bring on any depression. This whole ordeal here combined with losing lots of money has brought on bits of it but I wouldn't say I am depressed about life right now, Im still in a great position, but moreso upset by what happened
Well I guess only time will tell then. You wont find all the answers fast, took me a long time to figure what I really wanted to do in life anyway.
Here are some tips that helped me with getting my life back on track while still using drugs:
try to only use MDMA once every 2 or 3 months and weed/hasj once/twice a week max.
And work out and eat good like I said, it really helps, even mentally.
If you use any other drugs look on the web for some info sites, I only have dutch websites so they prolly wont do you anygood.
Just make sure you dont abuse them and fuck up your life :D
On December 18 2012 08:30 DaEm0niCuS wrote:
You moved half way around the world to another country to live with some girl you barely knew. What could possibly go wrong? You got owned bro. Woman be crazy. Druggie partier turned out to be a liar.. ohh snap.
Any ways enough of that. I feel some life lessons have to be learned through experience, this is likely one of them. Consider things a bit more carefully next time and look at a person more thoroughly before you decide to make such a large investment. Be a bit more objective and ask people who you respect for their opinions. Basically treat relationships more like poker.
fuck that, even if it failed it was a good move, better to do things and fail than not doing and live wondering "what if"
yea i tend to agree more with player999 and zachvac because even if shit turns out terrible, you can still make a good situation out of everything
Yes... indeed. We can sing while sinking. Or play the violin:
I like the sinking titanic idea b/c we all are sinking into non-existance. I guess this is where we still disagree though. I see nothing wrong with the distraction of violins. Maybe we have gotten to where we realize you don't mind either. Certainly sitting alone with your thoughts for too long on the titanic would be quite daunting. Maybe I am just writing this b/c I'm fresh off of an amazing night of sleep after a night shared in good company on a belly full of exceptional fresh breads and coffee and an earful of stimulating, uplifting, deep, progressive house music and am here to say I know the ship is sinking, I know the full, vibrant balloon flying high in the sky will lose air and one day become shriveled in the corner not even able to hold up it's string (-Seinfeld), I may even become bored and nauseous at 2:30 today but that's ok.
"Death is so terribly final... life is full of possibilities" -Tyrion Lannister
(The quote is more bad ass in context but I held off on going into more detail for people who haven't watched but fuck it if you haven't watched Games of Thrones and are a bit low on life that's a fun ride to ride for a while too. Then there are the books... then there are other books... life is full of possibilities)
Just felt like coming on here in a good mood and putting pen to paper and see what happens.
Happy Holidays LP
RiKD
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Joeingram1 United States. Dec 23 2012 10:34. Posts 943
RIKD that last comment, you must be on some good shit
Using actually made me feel quite alive for the first time and certainly didnt bring on any depression. This whole ordeal here combined with losing lots of money has brought on bits of it but I wouldn't say I am depressed about life right now, Im still in a great position, but moreso upset by what happened
Well I guess only time will tell then. You wont find all the answers fast, took me a long time to figure what I really wanted to do in life anyway.
Here are some tips that helped me with getting my life back on track while still using drugs:
try to only use MDMA once every 2 or 3 months and weed/hasj once/twice a week max.
And work out and eat good like I said, it really helps, even mentally.
If you use any other drugs look on the web for some info sites, I only have dutch websites so they prolly wont do you anygood.
Just make sure you dont abuse them and fuck up your life :D
Have been maintaing the working out/semi okay eating part well and so far have been able to avoid an obsession over them. This last weekend though was fucking intense and kinda makes me want to put a stop to things for a bit. Thanks for the comments and most likely it will take me some time as well to really find the answers im looking for
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Joeingram1 United States. Dec 23 2012 10:34. Posts 943
On December 19 2012 01:57 PuertoRican wrote:
Regarding your note taking, have you heard of Evernote?
Video, voice, picture, text, etc., in the form of notes. http://evernote.com
I use it for school, but it's pretty good for anyone who's on the go.
Mate, if your still feeling crap me and a friend live in Perth and always go here to grind (all him i just fuck around doing nothing) for a couple of days.
If we go in Jan again for a bit ill let you know and get a flight to Perth come relax. Ps house is free my dad owns it and its 1 hour drive from perth city.
United States. Dec 18 2012 10:14. Posts 7471
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