Ahhhhhh, just what I've been waiting for - Page 3

Will Ramos harsh vocals reminds me of Gollum sometimes. I don't want to sound like that.

O existence, great existence,

A piece of sand in a twilight.

I don't mean to hate on Will Ramos's vocals. I think he's super talented. Just don't like Lorna Shore and I have since found out he calls one of his vocals the Goblin which reminds me of Gollum. He can also sing clean here:




Which I didn't want to bring Sleep Token into this but I just did but there is no one here to debate so who cares.

A piece of sand in a twilight and I sit here listening to Bon Iver's first album posting blogs broadcasting out there to barely anyone and I love it. My first love and I both loved Bon Iver. It's what brought us closer together even though I probably didn't really love her and she definitely didn't love me and it was all a fantasy I created under a particularly heavy bout with Bipolar I Disorder. Crushing. Crushing. Absolutely crushing. Maura the human being turned into Mara, this wild demon of illusion. I was in the psych ward for 3 weeks or 3 months or who really knows. Can I even go back to that city? Do I even want to go back to that city? Has got to be in the running for best year of my life. Still, with such sadness. Life can be crazy like that. Especially, for a guy like me.

Things are slower these days. I don't have many friends. I don't even drive many places. I know I like the kick drum, and the snare, and heavy downtuned guitars but don't turn the guitars all the way up so the bass gets lost and i want to sing bass, tenor, falsetto, fry screams, and false cord and i think i could pull it all off if i just grow some balls but it is a lot all at once and i don't want to damage my voice.

The real reason I want to sing harsh vocals because it's a form of expression that I've never tried and that is like the bain of my existence that i don't have a form of expression that i really excell at and there is this waitress down at the local restaurant that is maybe goth or maybe she is into heavy music and i want to start a band and sing harsh vocals and invite her to the show and the rest will not be happilly ever after because that is impossible but maybe, just maybe it could be something out of nothing like a waxing moon.

I have so much to express but no way of expressing it. Do you know how frustrating that is?

Buying more clothes is not going to scratch that itch. Buying musical equipment that I don't know how to use is not it. At least I am wisely trying to master the equipment that I do have before getting more. I am not limited by my equipment. I am limited by skill.

I don't have the money for a studio to paint in. I wrote 2 novellas. I re-read one the other day. It doesn't suck. Who cares?

I feel like I'm going to explode but I don't. Not so far at least.

Oh well. Time to sort my medications out for the week and take some mirtazapine. That'll sort me out. Calm and sedated for the night sky.

Nothing's happening on Discord so I guess I'll post here.

I love physically twisting and turning knobs like on my midi controller and audio interface. It makes me really happy for some reason. It's just not as fun to do the same on my digital equipment with a mouse.

I've said it before, I'll say it again: mirtazapine and white tea is the ultimate combo for calming down and drifting off into the night. This is another thing that makes me happy. A cold room and comfortable pillow and blanket is another. I am grateful for things see?!

No idea what happens when my parents pass away and it's just the siblings left. I think I might be part autistic but I don't know how to broach the subject with my psychiatrist. I took some tests a while ago that said I was probably autistic and talked to my therapist about it but I never talk to my psychiatrist about it. Those sessions are like 5 min. He basically asks how I'm doing and is more concerned about the meds than anything else. But, talking about when my parents pass away I don't know what I'm going to do.

Hi, I'm RiKD and I'm probably autistic. I typically just bury this down somewhere and hope it disappears but it never does.

Still nothing happening on Discord.

I am like a bird who randomly pecks at buttons hoping for food!

It would be so much easier if I could add some edibles on top of the mirtazapine and white tea mix. Blast myself with edibles and watch Northern Exposure. Yeah, real fucking smart. Take a psychoactive substance that could instantly send me into a psychotic mania. Real fucking smart.

Oh yeah! I bought some jalapeno peppers today and planted them! Really stoked about that. That made me happy too.

The woman in the video reminds me of the waitress down the street. I can't really tell if she's goth which is different from heavy music gal which is different from deep ambient techno gal.

Either way this music reminds me of taking MDMA and going to a rave and coming back and watching the sun rise over the ocean from our patio and having seemingly the best conversations on life a handful of unread pothead 20 year olds can have on that topic. It did feel like I was really winning at life at that moment in time. Living in a castle on the ocean crushing poker. That is a long time ago now. I miss that liberty, that freedom. Fly to Amsterdam for a week just because. With poker I never felt like I was forced to work.

Now, I am forced to work big time. I constantly stress that they will call me into work on my days off. That's because they do. I need to find a way out of this but I can't seem to find a way.

I find myself waiting for laundry, chillin' with some Bon Iver 2nd album. It's as cozy and familiar as the mirtazapine and white tea coursing through my veins. I don't have to figure it all out. Especially, not now. I just have to coast and make a good landing.

But, the urge is to think more. I don't have to take MDMA or go to raves. I don't have to smoke phenomenal weed and do anything. I don't have to live in a castle on the ocean.

I agree that Discord has been boring lately, but I guess that means we need to find new channels.

I leaned on Discord when LP was gone. It's an introverted autistic thing to do.

I would learn how to sing harsh vocals but it is kind of embarrassing for me with my parents downstairs and neighbors next door. I guess I don't want it bad enough. I'm also afraid to damage my vocal folds.

I know I am a broken record but I don't think Poker Arena is going to cut it. Not enough skin in the game. Not enough action. Even though I realize I love the game of poker I don't know if there is a Way. ARC Raiders is fun. I played with my sisters last night. The problem is they have kids. I need to find enough degens like me that will play at all hours except I was the reason we couldn't play last night because I had to be up at 4am for work. But, right now I would love to put in a session of ARC Raiders but I have no one to play with. If anyone wants to start playing ARC Raiders let's go!

I suppose we could do 100bb freezeouts on Poker Arena too. I don't want to deal with crypto or paypal. We could bet in push-ups. Let me know if anyone is interested!

Another night. Another night of winding down. No poker. Nothing activating. No ARC Raiders. Nothing activating. Too tired to get up to much. Not yet tired enough to sleep. I'm still on this poker thing. There are no poker options that seem viable. I'm still trying to figure out ways to scratch that itch.

I am coming to believe that itch will not get scratched and I should move on to something else.

I should probably move on from LP too but it doesn't seem like that big of a deal. It's better than playing poker or ARC Raiders. It's within the realm of winding down. Maybe I figure something out. Unlikely. I'm happy I'm sober and not homeless. That's really all I have going for me.

12 years sober as of Friday. Didn't even tell anyone except for one friend on Discord and now any lurkers here. I had one friend tell me something like don't expect to get paid for spiritual growth. I don't really know if I've grown at all spiritually in a long while. I don't even really know what that looks like at this point.

I'm just in a really weird space. It's like I'm standing still. Time passes yet nothing really happens. I can pay my bills. That is good. I don't get much surplus money. I don't know what to spend it on. I don't spend much. That gets old. I bought a bass guitar in December. I barely play it now. I have probably $2k+ in music equipment that is just sitting unused. I honestly just want to play poker or get really into chess or something like that. For the love of the game but I love poker more than chess.

What is your opinion on Path of Exile vs Path of Exile 2?

I need some sort of game at this point.

What game would y'all suggest?

Poll: What Game Should I play?
(Vote): Poker
(Vote): Chess
(Vote): Magic: The Gathering
(Vote): Path of Exile
(Vote): Other (Name in comments)

How much a month is Magic: The Gathering going to cost if I want to compete?

It looks like there is no real local scene where I live so I would have to grind Arena (digital MTG) which I'm not reallly sure what that entails. Maybe $100/month.

It seems like not a lot has changed. If you want a good Standard paper deck and keep up with meta it's like $500+ / month.

I was always good at Draft. I was always broke so could compete in Draft. I was working on a really great type 1.5 deck back in the day: Green, blue, red. If I got a first turn Taiga and Kird Ape I don't think I ever lost.