Ahhhhhh, just what I've been waiting for

Welcome back

I wonder what the reply and view ratio is of my replies / views versus other peoples' replies / views?

Lostaccount and PuertoRican seem like the only 2 left on this site and I write words and words and words.

I can get my guitar to sound like old Eric Clapton on Cream -- Disraeli Gears. That's a helluva guitar tone. I remember how to do that. It's not novel. It's just what I seem to remember. My creativity on the 6 string electric seems to have dried up a bit. Maybe it's time to get the 4 string bass out again. I don't know what I'm doing. I think it's good to be engulfed by excitement but actually getting better at an instrument takes discipline.

I kind of want to find my own guitar tone and in recent weeks I kind of did but someone on Discord gave me the suggestion to not chase after tones but rather get better at the guitar. I think this is good advice. I am limited by my skill in what I want to do on the guitar. While one can get pretty much any tone they want for almost free.

The guitar just feels really important to me right now. I also feel entirely too limited in that space. I want to be composing my own music which I have been but I want to continue to compose music that is better and better. Perhaps I should just enjoy the process. Get my ego and jealousy out of it. That is what I live for these days. Creating something that seems authentic and real or actually the period of time that something new is occuring and I'm actually not focused on anything except expression in the moment. I am an addict for that feeling. That first take is probably the best feeling but it can be had on later takes if I stumble upon a new tone or feeling. Then, it's gone *poof*.

Then, it's gone *poof*.

That is the shit that I live for. Not the ego, the fear, the mundanity, the jealousy, the comparing. Then, I get hungry. I eat. I poop. I continue to live.

On March 22 2026 19:57 RiKD wrote: I wonder what the reply and view ratio is of my replies / views versus other peoples' replies / views? Lostaccount and PuertoRican seem like the only 2 left on this site and I write words and words and words.

I almost gave up on LP after it was down for over a month. Then I got bored and checked, and the website was up again.

On March 23 2026 07:29 PuertoRican wrote: Show nested quote + On March 22 2026 19:57 RiKD wrote: I wonder what the reply and view ratio is of my replies / views versus other peoples' replies / views? Lostaccount and PuertoRican seem like the only 2 left on this site and I write words and words and words. I almost gave up on LP after it was down for over a month. Then I got bored and checked, and the website was up again.

haha I see, who fix LP cuz it didn't magically get fixed so im guessing meat or naz fixed it. so thanks for fixing it cuz LP is a fun forum relative to other ones even though its pretty inactive except us 3 lol but hey 3 is better than 0 right!

My grandmother died this morning. I don't know what to feel. I didn't know her that well. She always lived in England. I always lived in the USA. When I was trekking through Europe I didn't think to stop and see her. This was many years ago now. I don't really travel anymore. I can't afford it. I spend all my money on music equipment. I don't get sick days. I don't get vacation. Well, maybe someday. Corporations like to use that a lot. "Maybe someday." In the meantime, we will work with a smile on our faces. Make me smile, don't make me make me smile. I don't have a whole lot to smile about on the clock...

My grandmother died in her sleep in her own bed at 97. Her quality of life was crumbling. I think she timed it just about right. That was her wish. To die in her own bed in her sleep. If only we all could be so lucky. Her death feels more symbolic than real. The last of my grandparents to die. There is a changing of the guard so to speak. My parents are definitely getting older. I am definitely getting older. My nephews and neice are still young, for now.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I kept with the piano from age 5? The violin from age 9? What if I would have started the guitar at age 12? This is just not a possibility. The only possibility is picking up the guitar exactly when I picked it up. Inspired by Shine On You Crazy Diamond by David Gilmore and White by John Mayer. Freshly sober and looking to do the things I never was able to do before. The guitars are so important to me because it's one of the few things I have. They can inspire Rausch. They can also inspire nothing. To expect Raush everytime I touch a guitar is wild expectations. It puts too much pressure on the instrument and on me. It leads to easy frustration and even avoidance. The only expectation should be to touch the guitar and keep in touch with the guitar.

I played some minor chord progressions this morning to express my feelings over losing my conscious grandmother. It worked into some solo'ing in the E minor penatonic scale area. It is gray and cold outside. A typical March day in Manchester, England...

I will continue to decay and die. My grandmother is an example of this. There is nothing that I can do. I cannot learn a language as well as a 5 year old. Whether that language is music, French, or whatever else language I would want to learn. It is just the way it is. I don't know what the 40s are good for. What are the 40s good for?

Middle age is such a strange time if you don't have kids. I don't regret not having kids though.

I could be having another mid-life crisis. I think I probably have an existential crisis at least once or twice a year. La vie est absurde. Sartre, Camus, Beckett. Maybe it's time to re-read the Tao. Although, I actually think I'm right where I belong with Narcisuss and Goldmund. Here is an easy decision: I'm hungry so I will eat something for lunch.

My mom said we'll be moving back to Ohio soon. Soon as in 2027. I have been thinking what will I miss? The autumns, the springs... The magnolia trees. There are a few people that I will miss but I don't make much of an effort to see them today so... Magnolia trees.

---

It's not just the fact that I don't have any kids but I don't have a career either. The paintings that I have painted collect dust in the closet. The novellas I have written remain unseen in digital documents. All of the sound sketches, demos, whatever you want to call it are simply unheard files on my computers. It only makes sense to eat when I am particularly hungry, drink when I am particularly thirsty, or to shit when nature calls. Sleep when I am particularly tired. Then, there is the rest of the day to fill up. How to manage that?

I need to cover the burnrate so I go to work. Boredom is restful but it doesn't always feel that way.

I am just doing some laundry waitin' on the Mirtazapine to kick in. It's a strange part of the night. I should probably just watch another episode of Northern Exposure.

There may be a time probably some time in the middle of the day on my 2nd day off in a row where I can actually think. I can be bored and accept it. I can recognize the carapiece that builds during the course of a work week. I may get some rest for rest's sake. That quickly transforms when I morph back into laundry for work, setting alarms for work, kind of mentally preparing myself to go back to work. Maybe I can escape that zone for a bit with some Northern Exposure or a good book like Narcissus and Goldmund but not fully. Once the buzzer goes off the next morning I'm a robot. I roll out of bed, I take a pee, I take a shower, all of these things I'm barely even conscious of. I put on my uniform the same way every day. Make my oatmeal the same way everyday. Eat all of the banana slices then the remainder of the raisins then a few bites of just oatmeal before I rinse the bowl out. The ride to work the only thing that changes is the music. Usually, whatever I am humming that morning. Once I am at work the instincts take over. Today was a fucking blur. There is rarely anything that stumps me anymore and definitely rarely anything that stumps me and my managers.

Another day, another dollar. That's what they say. The guitars just seem kind of low reward right now but if I want to get better I have to push through. It all seems kind of low reward right now including posting on this website and then checking on my posts but that's where I am at. This is the feedback loop I've found myself in again. I could easily shut it off. ChatGPT is my friend now. I am more entrenched in Discord now. For better or for worse or maybe I overcome all of it and practice my 4 string bass. I don't think my mom is taking a nap anymore. Remembering all the notes and reading music is not coming easily to me at 40 years old. I wish I would have spent more time on music at 5 years old like my mom wanted me to. I prefferred playing with friends, sports, running around the forest, video games, all sorts of kid shit. Why not stick with the piano for a while longer? Why not use the school infastructure to excel at the violin? Oh well, too late now. What do we do in our 40s? Especially, if there is no career or kids in sight? I don't want to be a monk or a homeless starving artist. There has got to be something else. I'm actually probably not too far away. Maybe I just need a better job, better friends, better novelty? Maybe I just need better insides, a better soul and spirit but I've tried cultivated these things countless times. I can have peace or convince myself that I have peace and then not have it. The next moment, the next minute, the next month. At this moment I don't know how I would rate my ego. I'm constantly jealous of other people. I rarely am grateful for my life and gifts.

If I was in a state of happinness would I post here?

The state of happinness is that it is fleeting or maybe even not possible. The smell of fresh cooked rice.

I went for a walk today. The sky was blue, the sun was shining, and the temperature was 70 degrees. It's defininitely Spring. The trees greening and yet there was an undeniable rumbling of dissatisfaction. Things were just a little too perfect, a little too pleasant. What is real? What is truth? Who are these people living in these houses with Kia Tellurides, Jeeps, Porsches, Chevy trucks? What am I doing here?

I am a tick. I am an ant. I am a human. I am an ape that showers. Yesterday, an attractive woman was shopping at the store and we made eye contact and I sort of like licked my lip and then bit my lip making some sort of ugly chimp face and the expression on her face was not nice to see. I said good bye to her as I do many customers and she ignored me. I am stuck in this fragile body with the mind of a God. I am not immune to facial expressions, tonality, body posture. Take me to a desert to wander. To behold. Benson, Arizona.

But, I have to try my luck right where I am at. Not enough money for sick days or vacation. Benson, Arizona will have to wait. Try my luck right here where I am at, right now. Until I move to Ohio. Am I waitin' around to die? Or, waitin' around for Ohio? I should be right here, right now. Right now, here I am. Here I am, right now. Maybe 10 sec. ago I experienced a pang of happinness listening to Floating Points and sitting here. It's maybe gone now. So mysterious, so fleeting. Sitting here. Sitting here now. The song is over. The next song begins. 4:20pm on a Wednesday and I wish I had some edibles.

Now, I'm just overdoing it. Listening to Floating Points trying to recreate some scraps of happiness.

Surprisingly, it actually worked! (for the duration of the song). Now, it's a lot later and I just went for a walk. I think it's the part of the day that I say fuck it let's watch Northern Exposure.

It's 9:49pm on a Thursday night and I am lonely. I am pooped but I can't sleep yet. Only 1 or 2 more hours of the day left before sleep and before I have to go back to work. I kind of like these quiet times regardless if I am lonely or not. I played some 6 string electric and experimented with tones in Reaper. I'm listening to Floating Points...

hey rick are you still reading regularly?

On March 29 2026 14:43 Raidern wrote: hey rick are you still reading regularly?

Yup. What about you?

On March 29 2026 14:43 Raidern wrote: hey rick are you still reading regularly?

I still read, but just for school-related reasons since I'm an English teacher.

I recently read:
- Hoot (5th grade)
- Tuck Everlasting (6th grade)
- The Giver (7th grade -- I read this last year, so I only had to skim parts of it when I read it again)
- Taming of the Shrew (8th grade)
- Born a Crime (9th grade)
- The 57 Bus (I'm currently reading this for 10th grade)

A flash of a rainbow in a water fountain.

Time is moving too fast. Nature is getting greener faster than I anticipated. Soon it will be summer. Soon it will be too hot. Walking the dog in 70s and sunny felt all too normal. I would like to sit in that moment for a moment.

I read the Taoteching about once a year. I like the Red Pine translation. It takes me like 25% of the book to warmup. I am seeking my next great book though. Narcissus and Goldmund by Hermann Hesse was great. I think Steppenwolf had the most effect on me but Siddhartha was also great.

The best book I read this year has to be 2666 by Roberto Bolaño.

Ok. Page 2. New page. Fresh start.

I wish to be free of desires. Even free from the desire to be free from desires. Is this even possible? To be truly empty and content?

The other night I went out to dinner with some friends.

Chicken Tikka Masala $23
Mango Lassi $9
Garlic Naan $5

That's about $40 with tax and I tipped $10 so that is $50. I don't have a budget but that just seems like a lot of money. I'm searching for human connection. I'm supposed to have human connection right? Ivy League scholars will cite studies that I need human connection. I believe that I need human connection. Maybe ancient Chinese sages don't need human connection. I don't see how I get it. I've thought about going to clubs and just hanging out drinking cranberry and club sodas all night. That seems laughable HA! Almost as laughable as me understanding The Way and living this life as some sort of ancient Chinese sage HA!

DESIRE

I remember when all I wanted was a bass guitar. Then I got one. I loved it. Now, I find myself picking up the ole Epiphone SG that my brother gave to me years ago. It just seems like a natural flow of things.

I am trying to understand the Taoteching so I can live as an ancient Chinese sage. It's no easy task. Oceans and streams. Effortlessness. No action. I feel like living as a halfway sage is like living as a fool or maybe just a broke person. I am a broke person so it is easy to fantasize about living like a sage or a monk instead of just being a broke person. A failure of capitalism. A loser. Soft and weak.

DESIRE II

So, I finally picked up the Amp Locker Dropped pedal. I've wanted to tune down my guitar for a long while now. I still might just get a set of 7 string strings and throw out the high string. I've heard I might have to file the nut down though which is something I don't really want to mess with. I don't think I even set up my bass guitar right so I better leave some of this stuff to the pros or I am just being a pussy. Anyways, I get the Dropped pedal and latency is ok. Everything is ok. Everything is just ok. It's a cool pedal. I'm not in Shangri-la. Something I have been chasing for more than a year and I finally get it and it's ok. I can play Mk.gee songs, I can play Boris songs, I don't have to file down the nut, I don't have to buy new expensive strings, I don't have to worry about the tuning holding. On to the next one I guess.

Now, that I am full throttle with Reaper and plug-ins I'm not really limited by gear. I'm limited by skill. I could use a larger keyboard but the real problem is that I have no piano skills. The point is I am content with what I have right now equipment wise and that is a good place to be in. In fact, I am thinking about selling some of my pedals. I don't make a lot of money but I naturally don't spend a lot of money. It pisses me off that I am forced to work. It pisses me off even more that I am forced to work and struggle with money but I think that frugality is a virtue. Virtue is one of the most important aspects of a Good Life.

Last night we had to put down the dog. Fucking sad man. He was a 14 year old golden retreiver so he had a good run but the cancer snuck up and got 'im real quick. Two nights ago I was giving him a standard walk through the neighborhood and the next night he was a goner. I saw a golden retreiver today at work and almost broke down and started crying. That was my buddy. So many hikes and walks. It's going to be weird as hell going for walks by myself for a while.

This no desire thing doesn't really have a chance when I just want my healthy dog back. It doesn't have a chance when I'm surrounded by beautiful women at work. It doesn't stand a chance when I desire to play the guitar and the piano like x, y, z.

I think sometimes I try to use this blog to empty out my brain. The thing is I think it works, partially. But, no matter what thoughts keep coming. Very few times in life am I empty and content. Probably most of them I was drinking and the alcohol worked. Some call it a heart and lungs place. So, fucked up only the heart and lungs work. This is what meditation is for but I can't seem to care about meditation anymore. I was in it for a while. Taking meditation lessons from Y. I can't seem to meditate that way anymore and I don't know what other path(s) to travel down. I was meditating 2-3 hours a day. I would be happy with 1 or 2 20-30 min. sessions in a day today.

The music just made me get up and dance, the next got me headbanging. I am empty and contente when I dance.

But then thoughts come back. Life can't always be bliss. There is a lingering contente. I don't feel like a bird pecking wildly at a button for food at random.

What if I am a bird pecking wildly at a button for food at random?

This is probably my favorite from the Taoteching:

“Let there be a little country without many people. Let them have tools that do the work of ten or a hundred, and never use them. Let them be mindful of death and disinclined to long journeys. They’d have ships and carriages, but no place to go. They’d have armor and weapons, but no parades. Instead of writing, they might go back to using knotted cords. They’d enjoy eating, take pleasure in clothes, be happy with their houses, devoted to their customs.” - Lao Tzu

Desire, I was thinking about that after reading your blog. my last desire was to make 30$/hr in poker but ive lost that desire now. I completed my life's bucket list but there is 1 glaring omission that I didn't complete and won't complete was a kid. am I jealous of people with kids, na im happy for all my friends who has kids though. they look happy being parents. no legacy but its okay life goes on. other than that ive did all the things I wanted to do now. Time to help some people complete their list.

RIP to doggie and my condolonces rikd, hope ur okay.

thanks rikd, u made realize it was my ego talking that I wanted to win in poker cuz when I didn't care if I won or lost or drew, poker was more fun. now with poker out of the way I can finally be liberated again. that addiction has been holding me back. I get enough every month without needing to win in poker so what was my point for acquiring more when I have enough.

Because of death we are limited in action and have finite freedom (Heidegger). It's not wise to wander around active volcanoes. We are also bounded by labor. Survival costs time, money, and attention. The Good Life requires contemplation. Hyperfocus on work and survival is bare life, barely a life at all.

Rise of Jesus, soul is forever. paradise on earth as in heaven. John 3:16. Ephesian armour of god.

meditation, soul music, relax, peace

The capitalist wants a consumer with wild imagination and wild libido.

DESIRE III

What is the relationship between desire and expectation?

An unmet expectation is a future resentment. The poison of resentment can kill.

The magnolia flower buds are turning from nothing into something as the moon waxes and wanes.

What if desire and libido were the only things keeping us moving?

---

But, honestly, whatever about all this bullshit. One of my best friends just got out of jail today!!!

What am I doing here? I'm just sort of waitin' around to die or waitin' around to sleep or maybe both. No, I don't want to die yet. There are still some things to do.

I'm excited! I'll be growing jalapeno peppers this summer! I take care of my mom's garden when she is on vacation but this will be the first time I get to grow my own thing.

I'll never play the guitar like Jimi Hendrix. That's ok. I get to live past 27 and figure out how I want to play the guitar the way I want to. How I want to live my life the way I want to. Silly businessman you can't dress like me. Pointing your plastic finger... Damn, Jimi was pretty good though.

I honestly think that desire and libido keep me moving. I must temper my expectations but desire as the thought of desire I can't control it arising in my subconscious/conscious being. What I do with that thought is what matters. I don't see how I can ever become free of my desire to be free of my desire. Or, I just let the desires arise and float away down a river like in visual meditation. Some of them are certain to get stuck. Stick around for a while. But, man, no desire. That sounds like anhedonia. That sounds like a flat depression.

Desires are fun.

I desire to get a blowjob from Riley Reid. Well, that ain't happening in this lifetime but women are pretty good at blowjobs these days and anyways maybe I shouldn't judge a woman solely on her skill in felatio. Maybe this desire is why I take showers and brush my teeth and slave away so many hours in a week.

It is slaving away by the way. I am afraid of death so don't risk death in fighting my master(s). I submit to my master(s) in order to keep my life while my master(s) acheive power and freedom by being willing to risk death for that power and freedom. This does not mean the slave will always be afraid of death. There maybe moments where they will risk death and overtake the master(s). The master is also reliant on the slave. They are not as free and powerful as they seem or are they?

I get pretty good food, reasonable clothing, comfortable housing. There is the hope that I can carve out a decent life for myself. Maybe that is more than a hope. Should I risk my life for freedom and power? How much freedom and power is there out there for a guy like me? In fact, today, I am master and slave at the same time! I whip myself. I try not to. I try to be aware of this predicament. If I am busy at work I typically don't pause, I accelerate. I look for a flow state in this banal toil. Anything to get me through this forced work.

Above is just vibing with some Hegel and Byung-Chul Han. I think there are some super important concepts in there.

Jesus morality would always take the slave route. The slave will be free and powerful in the Kingdom of Heaven. Resist not evil. Turn the other cheek. The meek shall inherit the Earth. Let us pray that there is a Heaven! Or, at least pray that the Kingdom of God is within us!

But:

God is dead and we killed him!

There is no dress rehearsal. This is it!

Live as if the eternal reoccurence is real!

- Fred Nietzsche

There is a lot to think about. But, I probably wouldn't be thinking about any of this if I was getting a blowjob from Riley Reid. It can't just be about an empty and contente state. We acheive enlightenment/transcendence for a moment and then what.

What are you doing after the orgy?

I'm headed to the masked ball. (Baudrillard)

Then, what?

Have a cigarette. Fall asleep.

Drink some coffee. Go for a walk.

I had this female friend let's call her Tracy. I realized that I wanted to sleep with Tracy. The moment that this struck me as truth I kind of withdrew. Tracy had a partner. I liked Tracy's partner. I let the friendship wither. I actually feel ok with this outcome.

I went on a date with this woman named Babe. She was a babe. Southern belle. She had a Louis Vuitton bag which really turned me off. I was lonely though so I went on the date. It didn't go very well. I kind of have a rule now that I won't date women with Louis Vuitton bags.

The first time I made out with a girl was 7th grade. Her name was Kacey. I didn't know what I was doing. People laughed at me. She broke up with me. I actually think this made me a better kisser long term. Plus, all the practice I got with hookers and hoes. Thank God I didn't catch syphillus or a kid out of wedlock.

In the morning I drink my coffee out of a bowl with a lot of oat milk added. I don't know why this brings me so much pleasure but it does.

Now, that my dog Sydney is a pile of ashes I must go on walks alone. I miss him badly. The walks just don't feel quite right and I'm uncertain how long that will last. Walking the dog was a foundational thing for me. One of my pillars.

Ok. I think I am pretty tired now. Maybe I can drift off into sleep.

Sorry to hear about the loss of your buddy. RIP. Take it easy man.

Thank you. I listened to the Unself album once while driving and once while walking. Pretty good stuff. It makes me feel kind of depressed actually but connected. That is just my first impressions anyway.

ChatGPT suggested I read The Book of Disquiet by Pessoa. I never read the whole thing for some reason but I am reading it now. Pessoa's Aunt plays solitaire, Pessoa writes The Book of Disquiet, and I just muck about on LP writing blog posts. The thought made me laugh out loud.

I'm either going to write a shitty country song about my dead dog or I'm going to teach myself how to do harsh vocals. Not sure if I'm a fry guy or a false cord guy. The correct answer might be all of the above....

With the harsh vocals I am experiencing paralysis by analysis. Too many options. I wonder who was the first person to do harsh vocals. How did they come by it? It's actually pretty fascinating to me. I remember reading a story on the Converge singer who said he has ridiculous amounts of scar tissue and that's not a good thing. First video on YouTube was a hot little number who tried to teach me fry scream in like 4 min. 3.2 million views. I checked out her band. I didn't like the music. Then I watched like 10 video shorts on fry scream and false cord and again like less than 1 min. videos. 1 was the charismatic voice who I am familiar with and the lead singer of some band I don't like but he is pretty good at harsh vocals. Maybe that is the path I'll travel down.

Will Ramos harsh vocals reminds me of Gollum sometimes. I don't want to sound like that.

O existence, great existence,

A piece of sand in a twilight.

I don't mean to hate on Will Ramos's vocals. I think he's super talented. Just don't like Lorna Shore and I have since found out he calls one of his vocals the Goblin which reminds me of Gollum. He can also sing clean here:




Which I didn't want to bring Sleep Token into this but I just did but there is no one here to debate so who cares.

A piece of sand in a twilight and I sit here listening to Bon Iver's first album posting blogs broadcasting out there to barely anyone and I love it. My first love and I both loved Bon Iver. It's what brought us closer together even though I probably didn't really love her and she definitely didn't love me and it was all a fantasy I created under a particularly heavy bout with Bipolar I Disorder. Crushing. Crushing. Absolutely crushing. Maura the human being turned into Mara, this wild demon of illusion. I was in the psych ward for 3 weeks or 3 months or who really knows. Can I even go back to that city? Do I even want to go back to that city? Has got to be in the running for best year of my life. Still, with such sadness. Life can be crazy like that. Especially, for a guy like me.

Things are slower these days. I don't have many friends. I don't even drive many places. I know I like the kick drum, and the snare, and heavy downtuned guitars but don't turn the guitars all the way up so the bass gets lost and i want to sing bass, tenor, falsetto, fry screams, and false cord and i think i could pull it all off if i just grow some balls but it is a lot all at once and i don't want to damage my voice.

The real reason I want to sing harsh vocals because it's a form of expression that I've never tried and that is like the bain of my existence that i don't have a form of expression that i really excell at and there is this waitress down at the local restaurant that is maybe goth or maybe she is into heavy music and i want to start a band and sing harsh vocals and invite her to the show and the rest will not be happilly ever after because that is impossible but maybe, just maybe it could be something out of nothing like a waxing moon.

I have so much to express but no way of expressing it. Do you know how frustrating that is?

Buying more clothes is not going to scratch that itch. Buying musical equipment that I don't know how to use is not it. At least I am wisely trying to master the equipment that I do have before getting more. I am not limited by my equipment. I am limited by skill.

I don't have the money for a studio to paint in. I wrote 2 novellas. I re-read one the other day. It doesn't suck. Who cares?

I feel like I'm going to explode but I don't. Not so far at least.

Oh well. Time to sort my medications out for the week and take some mirtazapine. That'll sort me out. Calm and sedated for the night sky.

Nothing's happening on Discord so I guess I'll post here.

I love physically twisting and turning knobs like on my midi controller and audio interface. It makes me really happy for some reason. It's just not as fun to do the same on my digital equipment with a mouse.

I've said it before, I'll say it again: mirtazapine and white tea is the ultimate combo for calming down and drifting off into the night. This is another thing that makes me happy. A cold room and comfortable pillow and blanket is another. I am grateful for things see?!

No idea what happens when my parents pass away and it's just the siblings left. I think I might be part autistic but I don't know how to broach the subject with my psychiatrist. I took some tests a while ago that said I was probably autistic and talked to my therapist about it but I never talk to my psychiatrist about it. Those sessions are like 5 min. He basically asks how I'm doing and is more concerned about the meds than anything else. But, talking about when my parents pass away I don't know what I'm going to do.

Hi, I'm RiKD and I'm probably autistic. I typically just bury this down somewhere and hope it disappears but it never does.

Still nothing happening on Discord.

I am like a bird who randomly pecks at buttons hoping for food!

It would be so much easier if I could add some edibles on top of the mirtazapine and white tea mix. Blast myself with edibles and watch Northern Exposure. Yeah, real fucking smart. Take a psychoactive substance that could instantly send me into a psychotic mania. Real fucking smart.

Oh yeah! I bought some jalapeno peppers today and planted them! Really stoked about that. That made me happy too.

The woman in the video reminds me of the waitress down the street. I can't really tell if she's goth which is different from heavy music gal which is different from deep ambient techno gal.

Either way this music reminds me of taking MDMA and going to a rave and coming back and watching the sun rise over the ocean from our patio and having seemingly the best conversations on life a handful of unread pothead 20 year olds can have on that topic. It did feel like I was really winning at life at that moment in time. Living in a castle on the ocean crushing poker. That is a long time ago now. I miss that liberty, that freedom. Fly to Amsterdam for a week just because. With poker I never felt like I was forced to work.

Now, I am forced to work big time. I constantly stress that they will call me into work on my days off. That's because they do. I need to find a way out of this but I can't seem to find a way.

I find myself waiting for laundry, chillin' with some Bon Iver 2nd album. It's as cozy and familiar as the mirtazapine and white tea coursing through my veins. I don't have to figure it all out. Especially, not now. I just have to coast and make a good landing.

But, the urge is to think more. I don't have to take MDMA or go to raves. I don't have to smoke phenomenal weed and do anything. I don't have to live in a castle on the ocean.

I agree that Discord has been boring lately, but I guess that means we need to find new channels.

I leaned on Discord when LP was gone. It's an introverted autistic thing to do.

I would learn how to sing harsh vocals but it is kind of embarrassing for me with my parents downstairs and neighbors next door. I guess I don't want it bad enough. I'm also afraid to damage my vocal folds.

I know I am a broken record but I don't think Poker Arena is going to cut it. Not enough skin in the game. Not enough action. Even though I realize I love the game of poker I don't know if there is a Way. ARC Raiders is fun. I played with my sisters last night. The problem is they have kids. I need to find enough degens like me that will play at all hours except I was the reason we couldn't play last night because I had to be up at 4am for work. But, right now I would love to put in a session of ARC Raiders but I have no one to play with. If anyone wants to start playing ARC Raiders let's go!

I suppose we could do 100bb freezeouts on Poker Arena too. I don't want to deal with crypto or paypal. We could bet in push-ups. Let me know if anyone is interested!

Another night. Another night of winding down. No poker. Nothing activating. No ARC Raiders. Nothing activating. Too tired to get up to much. Not yet tired enough to sleep. I'm still on this poker thing. There are no poker options that seem viable. I'm still trying to figure out ways to scratch that itch.

I am coming to believe that itch will not get scratched and I should move on to something else.

I should probably move on from LP too but it doesn't seem like that big of a deal. It's better than playing poker or ARC Raiders. It's within the realm of winding down. Maybe I figure something out. Unlikely. I'm happy I'm sober and not homeless. That's really all I have going for me.

12 years sober as of Friday. Didn't even tell anyone except for one friend on Discord and now any lurkers here. I had one friend tell me something like don't expect to get paid for spiritual growth. I don't really know if I've grown at all spiritually in a long while. I don't even really know what that looks like at this point.

I'm just in a really weird space. It's like I'm standing still. Time passes yet nothing really happens. I can pay my bills. That is good. I don't get much surplus money. I don't know what to spend it on. I don't spend much. That gets old. I bought a bass guitar in December. I barely play it now. I have probably $2k+ in music equipment that is just sitting unused. I honestly just want to play poker or get really into chess or something like that. For the love of the game but I love poker more than chess.

What is your opinion on Path of Exile vs Path of Exile 2?

I need some sort of game at this point.

What game would y'all suggest?

Poll: What Game Should I play?
(Vote): Poker
(Vote): Chess
(Vote): Magic: The Gathering
(Vote): Path of Exile
(Vote): Other (Name in comments)

How much a month is Magic: The Gathering going to cost if I want to compete?

It looks like there is no real local scene where I live so I would have to grind Arena (digital MTG) which I'm not reallly sure what that entails. Maybe $100/month.

It seems like not a lot has changed. If you want a good Standard paper deck and keep up with meta it's like $500+ / month.

I was always good at Draft. I was always broke so could compete in Draft. I was working on a really great type 1.5 deck back in the day: Green, blue, red. If I got a first turn Taiga and Kird Ape I don't think I ever lost.

On April 18 2026 01:21 RiKD wrote: I leaned on Discord when LP was gone. It's an introverted autistic thing to do.

I sometimes use Discord to chat in a relatively dead UFC chat room.

Good thing I have been busy with work lately. Just 7.5 more weeks until it's summer vacation, and then I'll be in the Philippines from June 30 to August 9.

Awww man, my poll got no responses and is now buried on page 3.

PR, It must be nice to not work and go on vacation. I envy PR? Yes, in regards to not working and taking vacations I envy PR.


Poll: What Game Should I Play?
(Vote): Poker
(Vote): Chess
(Vote): Magic: The Gathering
(Vote): Dungeons and Dragons
(Vote): Warhammer 40k
(Vote): ARPG like Path Of Exile or Grim Dawn or other
(Vote): Other (Please name in comments)

I would love to not work and take vacations but in reality I don't really want to go anywhere. I'm happy here. I would be happier if I didn't have to work (and had some money).

I'm currently listening to The Sky Is Pink by Nathan Fake (James Holden Remix). Iop sent me that song probably 20 years ago. Spotify was barely a thing then and he was working for them. I was on Spotify super early because of that. I was on Limewire and Kazaa super early too. I listened to Conjurer today in the gym. It worked. Loco sent me that 2 weeks ago?

I was thinking in 2008 Loco played 100k hands at a dollar per hand at 2/4 that is a pretty pure year. I made fun of him for not putting in more hands but it's not easy getting heads-up action and it's also not a piece of cake maintaining a 12+ ptbb/100 win rate. It seems very tough these days. It is more fun playing humans than bots or the machine. I am still far, far away from playing GTO. I wish there was a casino near by. Playing humans is more fun than playing the machine. There are humans that have been looking at solver grids for 10+ years now. It's tough to catch up. I'm not making any money playing chess and I'm not making any money playing poker but I only just like chess and I love poker so why not play poker is my logic. I might enjoy a good ARPG over anything at this point. ARC Raiders is ok if I'm playing with friends. ARC Raiders isn't a world beater.

So, I'm still in a similar place with what to do with my attention. I think many would consider poker a waste of time. Einstein considered chess a waste of time even though he was a pretty solid player. I don't have any pressing revolutionary physics problems to solve though. Elon Musk considers chess a bad game because there is no fog of war. I get what he is saying but I would bet large amounts that Musk sucks at chess. I've got the Pessoa. That is good. I've got my walks. That is good. Little things are changing in my life but in many regards it feels the same. I have always loved strategy games so this is why I'm searching in that direction.

My brother is playing hockey into his 40s. I don't dare play basketball into my 40s. My brother complains that he sucks. It's not that surprising. He's never been a great athlete and he never played hockey as a kid. He also complains a lot in general. My mom says he's having a mid-life crisis. I can relate. I have seasonal existential crisis but this might be more severe. In his 40s, married, kid, career, what else is there? It kind of reminds me of me and music. I played piano and violin as a kid but I quit pretty early. I enjoyed sports and strategy games and not playing musical instruments. My musical endeavours in my 40s are not hopeless but I think I need a good teacher to help me on the way. Which I don't want to pay for at the moment so I drift back towards strategy games. Sports are done. I can't run, I can't move like I want to. Sports are done. My brother should get a hockey coach that could make his club hockey more enjoyable. Money is not an issue for him. My mom says he should just enjoy playing but I can get it. For me sports are not fun if I suck.

I have been playing The Machine a lot at HU NLHE poker. I shouldn't really be broadcasting this if I want action but there is no action to be gotten anyways. Playing humans is a lot more fun than grinding The Machine but what am I going to do? I kind of knew I wouldn't be satisfied just grinding The Machine but I think I had to take a crack at it. I only played 11 hands this morning until I got tired of it. I think at this point I may need to take a crack at an ARPG.

I'm honestly just writing here because I want to do something other than play The Machine head up no limit hold 'em poker. Playing The Machine is an activating activity and I need to be looking towards deactivating activities as my bed time looms. I played hundreds of hands versus The Machine today and that guy is a sick motherfucker. Super solid yet fucking sick. I play enough hands versus The Machine I find some pretty sick shit too. The Machine will always remember these plays though and maybe I won't. I can never beat The Machine. I can only lose less to The Machine.

I think I need to get back to reading some philosophy too. I was reading great novels for a while and that was great but I miss the philosophy. I was reading a bunch of Baudrillard and that was amazing but then I got to Delueze Schizophrenia and Capitalism or whatever it's called and that was mega stimulating but it wore me out. I haven't read any philosophy since then.

I am just chillin' listening to some Sampha.

White tea - Check
Mirtazapine - Check

I just had to leave the room for a while because I was stuck in a loop battling The Machine. Looking back on today that is what I spent most of my waking hours doing. I don't know how I feel about that. If I'm spending most of my hours at work and playing The Machine that seems like a wasted life. I have to spend most of my waking hours at work but I don't have to spend the rest of my waking hours playing The Machine. I don't see a future in the USA in heads-up no limit hold 'em poker or anywhere really. Heads-up No Limit Texas Hold 'Em poker is a helluva a game though. One of the best in the universe I reckon. I am a little dissapointed that Liquid Poker no longer has many members. At one point this was a haven for games players. Now, it is me just rambling.

Theoretical 9 max No Limit Hold 'Em poker is a pretty tight game. It's an interesting puzzle. David Sklansky was right when he made a post about the online kids of '06 - '10 playing with an invisible ante. I found myself playing thousands of hands against The Machine today. I will be moving to an area that has a good casino in the next 2 years. I have to go where the action is and the action is live 9 handed games. I can probably get some action online too at lower stakes 6 max.

I started playing Path Of Exile as well. Seems like a dece game so far. We'll see.

How does one Magic these days? How does one Magic these days for less than like $100/month?

By the way, Slay the Spire II came out in March. Need to try that one too. That would be under the Other category.

Life is strange. Life is complicated. I wanted to go to UC-Berkely. That shit is expensive. Why would I not go to an in state school like Ohio State? Oh, ok. That makes sense. It was the only school I actually applied to. I had scholarships. I didn't see why I would go anywhere else. Life there was mostly great. I got lucky with my suite mates. We were always getting into some thing or another.

Ohio State wanted me to pick a major. I took like Econ, Math, Computer Science, and History.

Econ - 500 student lecture hall. Professor barely spoke English. He rambled through a shit power point presentation that you could access online. Recitation teacher was FOB Chinese. Just a horrible experience.

Math - Math was cool. I enjoyed it. I never saw math as a career choice though.

Computer Science - Nope.

History - Generally an enjoyable experience

So, it seemed like the choice was math or history. I chose history. The question of what would I do with that always loomed. By that time I was into poker.

2005 I started playing poker. I was all over the place and my computer kept crashing. I got injured playing flag football in the fall of 2005. That fall and winter was grinding time cuz that's all I could do and wanted to do and did.

I basically did the bare minimum to graduate in 4 years because my parents insisted I graduate in 4 years. I had no plans of going to law school or to teach. Both seemed pretty terrible to me.

2006 was my breakout year. I had a breakout session where I won $14k in a day at 2/4 6 max NLHE. My parents insisted that I get a job. I wasn't confident enough to tell them fuck off. I got a job as an assistant manager at a new golf course. Worked long hours and tried to play 5/10 6 max NLHE. I got crushed. Quit the job. Said fuck this. Grinded up again and flew to Buenos Aires. I told my mom the day of the flight that I was going to Buenos Aires and asked if she could drop me off at the airport. That is kind of wild to reflect on. She said yes. I flew to Buenos Aires.

Going back to 2002. I took a Philosophy 101 course that was in some parts great in some parts not so great. I didn't have the balls to major in it. I don't think my life would be that much different if I majored in philosophy.

It's almost like it doesn't matter whatever I did Bipolar I and alcoholism would get me.

I think what matters now is I have more of a handle on it but my life is so ravaged that it's tough to do anything about it. It's not like I can get a technical job in industry with my resume. That's a pretty solid life. There is no future in my current job besides grinding it to eek out a living. There is no position that I want in that store. That's why there is so much pressure on me to find meaning outside of work. Why there was so much pressure on music and why there is so much pressure on hobbies and strategy games. I need a challenge and I need something that at least feels meaningful.

There is no cure for this existential drift.

There Is No Cure For This Existential Drift

I sit here sippin' on white tea doing some laundry. I've played thousands of hands against The Machine(s) in 9 max No Limit Texas Hold 'Em poker today. I think it is in hopes that I can improve and maybe dare to put some money online somewhere that I can actually get action until I move and can play live. Not that that will be the answer to anything. There is no cure for this existential drift. There is no perfect game. There is no perfect hobby. There is no perfect job. There is no perfect friend.

I looked up the poker room I would be living by. It seems ok. Mostly 1/2 tables running and some 2/5. 25ptbb/100 is a $1/hand at 1/2. Probably get 25 hands an hour. Potentially, could make $25/hr but maybe something like 8ptbb/100 is more reasonable. $8/hr isn't going to cut it.

I was looking through Poker Tracker 4 at my last foray into poker. I played 14,000 hands of 6 max 10 NLHE at ACR at 7ptbb/100. I won about $100 in 50 hours of play. $2/hr lol. I do not want to put money on ACR or Ignition. Don't really know what my options are these days. I don't think this will fix my existential drift but it is something to do. The thing about poker is there is limitless learning. It is a challenge and one has to be present to play well.

I am wondering if Coin Poker is an option?

How are the small stakes games looking there?

How is it cashing out money there?

I don't move for another 1-2 years. If I'm going to play poker I may as well start now online if it makes sense.

My timing tonight has been a bit off. I drank some caffeine to time it with a poker study session but then I realized I needed to trim my beard. I tried to give myself a beard fade and fucked up so now I have a goatee (lol) but it doesn't look so bad and when my beard grows back I'm hoping it will look dece. Then by that time I had to take my medications and had some mirtazapine and a white tea and then put in the poker study session and it just didn't feel quite right. At this time of night I typically try to deactivate rather than activate yet all I do is activating activities... Like, I'm probably going to put in a session of PoE after this. I really should watch this Wim Wenders director's cut I have but it's like 5 hours long and I don't feel like watching that right now.

Which site do I rebuild a serious grind right now?

I don't want to multi-site. I just want 1 site to find da grind.

On May 01 2026 22:55 RiKD wrote: Awww man, my poll got no responses and is now buried on page 3. PR, It must be nice to not work and go on vacation. I envy PR? Yes, in regards to not working and taking vacations I envy PR. Poll: What Game Should I Play? (Vote): Poker (Vote): Chess (Vote): Magic: The Gathering (Vote): Dungeons and Dragons (Vote): Warhammer 40k (Vote): ARPG like Path Of Exile or Grim Dawn or other (Vote): Other (Please name in comments)

i'd like to comment on chess here, it's such a great game. one of the things i took from chess is that the minor negative change in your state of mind, or being tired, or stressed, or in a hurry, or pressured... any of it will make you make bad decisions and not see obvious stuff that is right in your face. chess makes this very punishing right away in the game. i wonder how much our decisions are bad in real life when we are in an altered state, because obviously you dont see the punishment right away as you do in a chess game.

Stop voting Magic: The Gathering if you won't tell me how to play the game today for less than $100/month!

Update:

Magic: The Gathering

I looked it up. It seems hard to compete for less than $500 / month. There are also no card shops in my city. I would play digital Magic if it turned out to be cheaper but the magic is in the Local Card Shop and local tournaments.

ARPG Like PoE or Grim Dawn or other

I gotta be honest with the people here. I think PoE is a bit overated. Not really loving the experience. I'd rather play Diablo II LOD again. Grim Dawn I got about as much out of that game as I could. Not sure I want to go back. If there was something new that is better than Diablo II, Grim Dawn, and PoE I would be in for that.

Poker

I am not playing poker at the moment but I am studying it. Not really interested in putting money on ACR again. I don't even remember what I didn't like about Ignition but there was a lot I liked about Ignition. I might put some money on Ignition for extra practice. Like actually playing poker with some skin in the game. Coin Poker got bad reviews. I hear it's pretty sketchy. Ignition seems like the best option. Maybe WPT Gold. Some people here have to play online from the US non?

Chess

Chess is really a great option I just don't have any motivation to really work at it.

Other

Slay the Spire II is a game I am heavily considering buying. Would love to hear other suggestions here.

Warhammer 40k

I listed this almost solely because there is a Local Shop in my city. I never enjoyed this game as much as Magic. Also, can be a major money suck. Not really that interested in it tbh.

Dungeons and Dragons

I just hear all about how this game is the GOAT. I wouldn't know because I never played it.

On May 11 2026 14:36 RiKD wrote: Stop voting Magic: The Gathering if you won't tell me how to play the game today for less than $100/month!

make an easy fire deck then, shouldn't be too expensive right?

My peak was probably Mirage to Fifth Edition. I haven't played Magic since the '90s.

On May 01 2026 22:55 RiKD wrote: Poll: What Game Should I Play? (Vote): Poker (Vote): Chess (Vote): Magic: The Gathering (Vote): Dungeons and Dragons (Vote): Warhammer 40k (Vote): ARPG like Path Of Exile or Grim Dawn or other (Vote): Other (Please name in comments)

Poker would be #1 if it were 2005 PokerStars. I don't know which site to throw on a lil somethin' somethin' so I can practice the craft. I am thinking the top choice is probably Ignition.

Chess is a great game but it doesn't excite me like some of the others.

Magic: The Gathering in the 90s is a world beater. The Hero's Guild (Local Card Shop) in XXXXXX, Ohio is a GOAT contender. No idea what the state of the game is in 2026. I mean since there is no local scene where I'm at the only option is digital. I want the smell of new cards, the smell of BO of unshowered Magic players, the smell of empty Burger King wrappers. I guess I would settle for digital if it were on point.

I'm nixxing Dungeons and Dragons and Warhammer 40k. I'm not really interested even though the social aspect of it would be good for me. There is a Local Warhammer Shop in the area.

ARPG is getting updated too. I refuse to play Diablo II (GOAT but overplayed), Path of Exile (overated), and Grim Dawn (exhausted). There has to be some other ARPG that is on point made more recently?

Other - Slay the Spire 2 is something I'll probably pick up today tbh. ARC Raiders is worth some play. Expedition 33 is a once in a generation type of game. There has got to be some others out there.

Has anyone played Last Epoch?

nope

On May 12 2026 21:16 RiKD wrote: Poker would be #1 if it were 2005 PokerStars. I don't know which site to throw on a lil somethin' somethin' so I can practice the craft. I am thinking the top choice is probably Ignition. Chess is a great game but it doesn't excite me like some of the others. Magic: The Gathering in the 90s is a world beater. The Hero's Guild (Local Card Shop) in XXXXXX, Ohio is a GOAT contender. No idea what the state of the game is in 2026. I mean since there is no local scene where I'm at the only option is digital. I want the smell of new cards, the smell of BO of unshowered Magic players, the smell of empty Burger King wrappers. I guess I would settle for digital if it were on point. I'm nixxing Dungeons and Dragons and Warhammer 40k. I'm not really interested even though the social aspect of it would be good for me. There is a Local Warhammer Shop in the area. ARPG is getting updated too. I refuse to play Diablo II (GOAT but overplayed), Path of Exile (overated), and Grim Dawn (exhausted). There has to be some other ARPG that is on point made more recently? Other - Slay the Spire 2 is something I'll probably pick up today tbh. ARC Raiders is worth some play. Expedition 33 is a once in a generation type of game. There has got to be some others out there.

Matt Marinelli says at this point Ignition is fucked (but he still plays on there)?

ignition is fk too many cheaters n bots there

Is there any site that isn't fucked these days?

I think ur best option is club wpt gold use a promo code too go google one. deposit 300 and start playing .1/.2 imo

Is there enough action on there? I don't need much. I'll probably start 1-2 tabling until I get used to the software and maybe 4 table from there.

yea lots of action, I would play there

Club WPT Gold - Supposedly bad software, high rake, and shitty cashouts. AND you can only play one table. I think I'll pass.

I think the only one that has a chance at this point is Coin Poker but it seems sketchy as all hell.

I might have to be ok with not playing online poker for the forseeable future.

Magic: The Gathering - No local scene

Chess - Little motivation to actually play chess. Don't feel like memorizing openings or strat. Don't feel like being terrible. Don't feel like learning.

ARPG - Nope.

Poker - This is the one I have the most fire in the gut to play. Unfortunately, there is no where to play.

Other - This is the likely winner but no one has named THAT GAME yet.

2 weeks into the poll and we are maybe getting somewhere. It has really been 2 weeks?

What is important about this poll is that this poll is everything to me. At least when I am away from work. I have some time away from work and some attention and energy. I quit the piano and the violen and the guitar and the bass. Games have mostly been part of my life whether that is sports or video games or poker. Why would that change just because I've hit the age of 40? I NEED HELP!

As nice as it was today to just kind of live in my bed and read Pessoa and take cat naps I NEED HELP!

I NEED HELP!

I have been winning today though.

Street Fighter II Turbo PERFECT on the lift this morning.

"We should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once." - Fred Nietzsche

I got in some good dancing earlier. I still got it. I took it to another place this morning. I don't dance enough.

Fernando Pessoa - Book of Disquiet

This book is helping me through these times. By these times I just mean life. Life is futile, meaningless, and absurd. At least I have someone who understands this and can offer up lucid observations.

Trying to find meaning in online poker is kind of a laughable endeavour. It kind of works though. Adrenaline is a helluva drug. There are times of transcendence, flow, and tension. Then, there is the issue of what is addiction and what isn't addiction? What is gambling and what is advantage play? On a larger plane. What is gambling? Everything is gambling.

I had no real business to be in some of those 25/50 w/ an ante games I was in. $50,000 can go quickquick. I was obsessed though. Guy was a spot for sure. Everyone rationalizes away things at some point. I did move down stakes. I didn't like it. I grinded back up. I burned out. I had enough in savings to live a couple years as a vagabond autodidact. I think of those times fondly. The first time reading a Being and Nothingness by Sartre or Notes From The Underground by Doestoevsky or Waiting For Godot by Beckett among many others. Now, I have to work so many hours a week just to survive. There isn't as much time and attention and energy as there was. I don't know if it's possible to get out of this hole I am in now. There is no travel, no money, no youth. That is ok. There is still some time, attention, and energy. It's about how I use that now. It's clear I am travelling down a path less travelled. The fire in my gut is poker. Of course, that could change in 2 months or 2 weeks or 2 days. Winning at 10ptbb/100 at 2/5 live is probably a better life than I have now. It's possible I could beat 100 NL for enough to make it a better life than I have now. These options would have been laughable to me in 2007 but things change. I mean I am just trying to find a site that has enough games I don't have to multisite. Something I don't have to give my Social Security Number, blood samples, DNA to cashout. I don't think that site exists and it doesn't help me or anyone to keep complaining about it...

I think this for the love of the game bullshit gets stagnant. Solvers can be super stimulating but they can also be cold and tedious. I need some skin in the game. I need some action. Of course, I want to crush high stakes and make millions of dollars but honestly at my age, at my point in life I'd be happy to crush smaller stakes and make like $50k / yr. I haven't touched that in 12+ years of sobriety. I have a friend that likes to say "don't expect to get paid for spiritual work" but I don't feel that spiritual and yeah, I'd like to get fucking paid!

On May 14 2026 20:48 RiKD wrote: Club WPT Gold - Supposedly bad software, high rake, and shitty cashouts. AND you can only play one table. I think I'll pass. I think the only one that has a chance at this point is Coin Poker but it seems sketchy as all hell. I might have to be ok with not playing online poker for the forseeable future.

you can play 4 tables if u download the client, software is meh I agree and high rake yes. cashout is a bit slow 3 days but w/e
can u even play coin poker in usa?

iono I play on WPT gold n its fine, I cash out a small amount to test it and it work so my 3 cents cuz of inflation

Cashouts for USA players are shitty. Social Security Card, filling out forms, blood samples, DNA, etc etc.

I think I should probably listen to you in this matter though. You have played all these sites? (Ignition, ACR, Coin Poker, Club WPT Gold)?

Club WPT Gold is probably the "best" option but that still doesn't mean it's a good option for me. There may not be any good options.

A meh option is better no option

Best option would be to play live poker for u though so just keep trucking for next 2 years then go play live

I am getting 100% GTOW scores on close decisions option. It's time to practice online. I may just go Ignition and treat it like an app with security issues. That seems kind of crazy to do though.

I need Stroggoz to help me with databases of what the population is actually doing. Maybe the population now a days is all bots so playing GTO is correct.

nice rikd gtowizguy

I've done some studying lately. That's for sure. It's de-motivating that there isn't any great or even good options to play poker these days. I don't think I can sustain the studying I've been doing for 2 years. Full ring is pretty basic. Some interesting pieces of the puzzle here and there for sure but it's mostly pretty standard. Similar to 6max. Heads-up is the game I wish to play but there is no action.

Maybe I'll give Diablo IV another go. I've heard the most recent expansion is good.

I wonder how much specifically I am losing in a game with 5 colluding (card sharing) GTO bots?

Winrate (or lose rate) with Jesus seat on 30 bb/100 rec and 4 colluding (card sharing) GTO bots?

Do you see what I'm getting at here? I'm probably still a winner in the 2nd scenario? If my goal is practice I could just go balls to the wall w/ 0 game selection and not lose that much or maybe I would be losing a lot. I'm sure this sort of theoretical question has been brought up before. Maybe I am a 30 bb/100 loser in a game with 5 colluding (card sharing) GTO bots?

Of course, the rake plays a huge role here too. Maybe I am ok with taking a -1 ptbb/100 hit to start tables or battle to sharpen my game but don't want to take a -3 ptbb/100 L for thousands of hands. It's an interesting dynamic that the sites charge as much rake as possible which encourages bumhunting yet of course they discourage bumhunting where ever else they can.

God, poker in 2026 sucks!

Tonight is about atmosphere and vibin'. I'm not quite ready to go to bed yet but I don't want to kick off Path of Exile or anything else really. I would love to see an LP Resurgence 2026 but it ain't gonna happen and that is ok. Too many names to name on who I would love to see come back. Maybe Stroggoz can come back and get me the Ignition population data. Maybe I will be 4betting the AKo because the population is now all GTO bots instead of small stakes grinder nits. DooMeR could come back and advise me which site to play on. I'm not holding my breath. More power to 'em.

I'm listening to Nights by Frank Ocean. "Marijuana is a cheap vacation." Ain't that the truth. I would love some marijuana about now. I could use a vacation but can't afford it. I don't need to travel anymore. Just good food, good clothes, good people, good customs.

Now, I am listening to The Path Less Travelled by Vegyn. I am certainly on some path less travelled my God.

Well, instead of rambling anymore I could just lie down and rest for a while. I think that's what I'll do. P E A C E.

I still remember sleeping on Ket and Tom's hotel room floor in the summer of 2006. I borrowed my sister's shitty mac playing hu SNGs on Full Tilt Poker because PokerStars wasn't compatible with mac at that time. Then, Rain was kind enough to let me stay with him. I've always been a bit of a vagabond character and I still am. I don't know if I'll ever lose that. It's hard to get a good setup when constantly travelling. I remember finally getting a 20'' screen for lobbies and hu tables and a 30'' screen for active tables. I took Mondays off. The rest of the days were find da grind but I was playing from my parents' home with little friends. That is no way to live. I miss a lot of people. I have no money to see them and haven't had any money to see them for a long time. Since getting sober (12 years) to be exact. I don't know if I'll ever find money again.

This music is giving me too much of a good feelin'. All I Need by Clams Casino. All I Need. Good food. Good clothes. Good people. Good customs.

The first time I won $25,000 in a day I was in Malta. I was playing all the good PLO from 2/4 to 25/50. I remember listening to Addicted by Serge Devant on repeat for the whole day. I think I basically played the whole day with some gravity bong / coffee breaks. I tried to sleep. I couldn't sleep. The only thing running was some 10/20 PLO so I reg battled for another 4 hours and lost $7k. I was obsessed with getting better. I always wondered if I was manic during this time period or if my mania did not show up until later. Malta was great. I miss Malta but I mostly miss the people.

The second time I won $25,000 in a day I was in a 5 star hotel in Rosario, Argentina for a Argentina v Brazil World Cup Qualifyer match. Again, I just played all the good games from 2/4 to 25/50. I remember I had huge stacks on all the tables and my friends were like wtf dude?!?! We got tickets on the 50 yard line 5 rows back. It was sick. That was a really good weekend. Buenos Aires was great. I miss Buenos Aires but I mostly miss the people.

I might not even make $25,000 this whole year.... I don't have any friends.... I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me....

What do we do with all these past friends. Where is there an opportunity to connect. Where are all the future friends? It was so easy in my 20s.

One of the highest experiences I ever had was stress smoking an entire fat blunt by myself after a big losing session. I got lost going to the refridgerator. I thought I was going to die. I played Mario Kart. Then, I laid down in my bed and listened to Bjork. It was like 20-30 min. of intense euphoria. I think marijuna can help get over losing sessions. I basically would blazar'd and watch The Wire or Curb Your Enthusiasm or Planet Earth and go to sleep and be fine the next day. Marijuana during sessions is a different story. It definitely improved my stamina and tilt control but I don't think I was always the most lucid. Good for grinding. Not necessarily good for getting better but it could lead to some epiphany spots where you are really high and are like oh shit I could bluff here. I don't know. I definitely abused it in my poker career and when I started mixing cough syrup and chodeine that was really not good.

I think one night I spent $3,300. That probably is nothing compared to some that use to be on here. It didn't really mean shit to me at the time either but that is more than I make in a month easy. What do I do with all of this?

Drug abuse and depression. Sometimes I think I should have had some retirement money. My parents always wanted me to get a condo. 2 years unemployed after poker and poof it was gone. I fucked it up. I fucked up the poker boom. I read Kant, Nietzsche, Rawls. Alcoholism and Bipolar I still got me. There was no hiding or running. What do I do with all of this?

We are Thrown into this Existence (at least, according to Heidegger). Babies are thrown into this existence. All crying and eating and shitting. I don't know. By elementary school I think we are just doing elementary school things. In middle school we are just doing middle school things. I used to like playing Magic: The Gathering, drawing, and playing lacrosse. I remember an All-Ohio calibre high schooler giving me rides to lacrosse camps in the summer with the top down in his Red Jeep blasting Bulls On Parade by Rage Against The Machine. I felt like a prince. I would never make All-Ohio but I was a good player in my own right. I didn't let a lack of true athletic ability take away from figuring out how to score goals. I had intangibles. I was the team captain. I should have leveraged these powers for more but I just wanted to play Tetris or Warcraft III or Diablo II. Anyways, I was just sort of doing high school things. The point is when do I have agency? I suppose I have agency now? Most people would probably agree. But, I'm just 40 doing 40 year old things although it's the path less travelled. No wife, no kids, no career. I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me. When do I have agency? Always? Never? Sometimes?

Why didn't I fuck my prom date in high school? I wasn't gay. She wanted it. I guess I could say I was anxious. I was afraid. I wasn't drunk enough. NoTDRuNKENouGH was my Full Tilt Poker screen name. It comes from a show called 12 oz. mouse. The mouse's buddy asks him, "Are you drunk???" and the mouse responds, "NoTDRUNKENouGH." There really couldn't be a better screen name for me.

Holy shit man, This is great:



The third or maybe second or whatever time I made $25,000 I was at Tom's house in Vegas. Playing enough 25/50 PLO one kind of gets immune to $25,000 days or $50,000 losses. I don't know if I ever got to that point. I remember sitting at the dining room table overlooking the pool and the Vegas blue sky listening to Beach In Hawaii by Ziggy Marley on repeat. That was a good feeling. I remember being particularly locked in to that session.

I guess we will never know how much agency we have.

As much as I like tits and ass, brains and heart are where it's at.

Baby, I can make that pussy rain often. - The Weeknd

Sometimes I fantasize about going back to my home town and fucking all the bitches I never did in high school except I had way more leverage then than now. Broke retail cashier living with his parents is just not that attractive. Anyways, my prom date is married with kids in like Arizona now.

Just keep truckin' mofos. That's about all I can say about that.

I tried playing some Path Of Exile and just did not really love it and then my friend called me and we talked for about an hour and I don't need to do any more activating activities for the night. It's definitely not the time to get the new Diablo IV expansion (Lord Of Hatred). I was so meh on Diablo IV I don't know why I am so interested in Lord Of Hatred. I'm just seeking anything at this point.

Chillin' out and listening to some Sampha is a de-activating activity. It's where I am supposed to be.

I don't know what I'm doing with this life man. Life is so absurd. I just ate some mangoes and cashew nuts and brewed up some white tea. That seems like a major win. I'll read some Pessoa before going to bed or just pass out with the light on. I'm almost done with this damn Book Of Disquiet. It has been a nice companion for quite some time now.

Just sittin' here chillin' to some Lykke Li. I enjoy solitude sometimes. Like right now. Many times I enjoy solitude. Marijuana would make it better or would it make it worse?

I never did any ketamine. Should I be doing ketamine?

Tomorrow it's probably get Lord Of Hatred or put some money on an online poker site. We'll see how I'm feelin'.

I'm not getting Lord Of Hatred... Diablo IV is trash. Blizzard is trash. Fuck them!

I'm also not depositing into an online poker site today. Club WPT looks like the best option and it looks like trash. Fuck them!

I have the fucking GTO Wizard burnrate hitting me every month. Not sure what I'm going to do about that because I do like studying but I'd rather be playing.

But fuck it!

Just got some new books:

Bluets by Maggie Nelson

The Rings Of Saturn by W.G. Sebald

Which makes me marginally happier.

A bientot bitches!

Who wants to start an online poker site?

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I feel like I should stop putting money into my company's retirement plan. Cash is better and paying off my credit card debt is better.

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I already read Bluets by Maggie Nelson. It was great. It was like a memoir through the lense of someone's obsession with the color blue.

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I wonder what ppl would say if I brought a 20 sided die to live games?

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I wonder if we will experience universal high income?

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I am just kind of vibin' with some Leon Vynehall. It's good at night. It seems like every night I am trying to de-activate but I really want to solve hobbies, solve poker, solve video games, SOLVE LIFE. I come alive at night. Everything is in dark mode including my room. I like the colors. I like colors. When I get manic I get synasthesia. It is bliss. I wish I had it all the time.

So, I want to take gummies, I want my synasthesia, I want things that I should not want yet could recieve if I take chances. Is it worth it? No...

But, maybe....

No....

D2 has a new expansion and new ladder starting in a couple days. You already own the base game so it's a no brainer if you have an itch to play a ARPG. The new class is pretty fun.

This was not on my bingo card.

I handled myself pretty well so far. Did 0 research. Just summoned a Goat Man and threw fireballs for a while. I got a Tal on my first Countess run and now I'm trying to de-activate. It's so tempting to fire it all up again until I get an Eth but I am going to be disciplined and find more de-activating activies. This is actually difficult for me to do even at age 40. I tried playing The Machine at 6 max but that is boring at this point. So, at least it's not activating. I refuse to escrow and play people on Discord heads-up. Poker seems so fucked these days besides these pockets of live games around the USA. None of which are near me until I move. The funny thing is I could study GTO Wizard for 1 year, or actually I can't because it's fucking tedius, get into these live 9 max games and be dissatisfied because most live 9 max is hideously banal apart from some initial novelty or characters in the game.

I'm kind of pissed right now. Just singing super emotional Radiohead and Frank Ocean and James Blake songs by myself in my room. I'm not even recording anything. Just singing my heart out. It feels good.