Ahhhhhh, just what I've been waiting for - Page 6

nice rikd gtowizguy

I've done some studying lately. That's for sure. It's de-motivating that there isn't any great or even good options to play poker these days. I don't think I can sustain the studying I've been doing for 2 years. Full ring is pretty basic. Some interesting pieces of the puzzle here and there for sure but it's mostly pretty standard. Similar to 6max. Heads-up is the game I wish to play but there is no action.

Maybe I'll give Diablo IV another go. I've heard the most recent expansion is good.

I wonder how much specifically I am losing in a game with 5 colluding (card sharing) GTO bots?

Winrate (or lose rate) with Jesus seat on 30 bb/100 rec and 4 colluding (card sharing) GTO bots?

Do you see what I'm getting at here? I'm probably still a winner in the 2nd scenario? If my goal is practice I could just go balls to the wall w/ 0 game selection and not lose that much or maybe I would be losing a lot. I'm sure this sort of theoretical question has been brought up before. Maybe I am a 30 bb/100 loser in a game with 5 colluding (card sharing) GTO bots?

Of course, the rake plays a huge role here too. Maybe I am ok with taking a -1 ptbb/100 hit to start tables or battle to sharpen my game but don't want to take a -3 ptbb/100 L for thousands of hands. It's an interesting dynamic that the sites charge as much rake as possible which encourages bumhunting yet of course they discourage bumhunting where ever else they can.

God, poker in 2026 sucks!

Tonight is about atmosphere and vibin'. I'm not quite ready to go to bed yet but I don't want to kick off Path of Exile or anything else really. I would love to see an LP Resurgence 2026 but it ain't gonna happen and that is ok. Too many names to name on who I would love to see come back. Maybe Stroggoz can come back and get me the Ignition population data. Maybe I will be 4betting the AKo because the population is now all GTO bots instead of small stakes grinder nits. DooMeR could come back and advise me which site to play on. I'm not holding my breath. More power to 'em.

I'm listening to Nights by Frank Ocean. "Marijuana is a cheap vacation." Ain't that the truth. I would love some marijuana about now. I could use a vacation but can't afford it. I don't need to travel anymore. Just good food, good clothes, good people, good customs.

Now, I am listening to The Path Less Travelled by Vegyn. I am certainly on some path less travelled my God.

Well, instead of rambling anymore I could just lie down and rest for a while. I think that's what I'll do. P E A C E.

I still remember sleeping on Ket and Tom's hotel room floor in the summer of 2006. I borrowed my sister's shitty mac playing hu SNGs on Full Tilt Poker because PokerStars wasn't compatible with mac at that time. Then, Rain was kind enough to let me stay with him. I've always been a bit of a vagabond character and I still am. I don't know if I'll ever lose that. It's hard to get a good setup when constantly travelling. I remember finally getting a 20'' screen for lobbies and hu tables and a 30'' screen for active tables. I took Mondays off. The rest of the days were find da grind but I was playing from my parents' home with little friends. That is no way to live. I miss a lot of people. I have no money to see them and haven't had any money to see them for a long time. Since getting sober (12 years) to be exact. I don't know if I'll ever find money again.

This music is giving me too much of a good feelin'. All I Need by Clams Casino. All I Need. Good food. Good clothes. Good people. Good customs.

The first time I won $25,000 in a day I was in Malta. I was playing all the good PLO from 2/4 to 25/50. I remember listening to Addicted by Serge Devant on repeat for the whole day. I think I basically played the whole day with some gravity bong / coffee breaks. I tried to sleep. I couldn't sleep. The only thing running was some 10/20 PLO so I reg battled for another 4 hours and lost $7k. I was obsessed with getting better. I always wondered if I was manic during this time period or if my mania did not show up until later. Malta was great. I miss Malta but I mostly miss the people.

The second time I won $25,000 in a day I was in a 5 star hotel in Rosario, Argentina for a Argentina v Brazil World Cup Qualifyer match. Again, I just played all the good games from 2/4 to 25/50. I remember I had huge stacks on all the tables and my friends were like wtf dude?!?! We got tickets on the 50 yard line 5 rows back. It was sick. That was a really good weekend. Buenos Aires was great. I miss Buenos Aires but I mostly miss the people.

I might not even make $25,000 this whole year.... I don't have any friends.... I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me....

What do we do with all these past friends. Where is there an opportunity to connect. Where are all the future friends? It was so easy in my 20s.

One of the highest experiences I ever had was stress smoking an entire fat blunt by myself after a big losing session. I got lost going to the refridgerator. I thought I was going to die. I played Mario Kart. Then, I laid down in my bed and listened to Bjork. It was like 20-30 min. of intense euphoria. I think marijuna can help get over losing sessions. I basically would blazar'd and watch The Wire or Curb Your Enthusiasm or Planet Earth and go to sleep and be fine the next day. Marijuana during sessions is a different story. It definitely improved my stamina and tilt control but I don't think I was always the most lucid. Good for grinding. Not necessarily good for getting better but it could lead to some epiphany spots where you are really high and are like oh shit I could bluff here. I don't know. I definitely abused it in my poker career and when I started mixing cough syrup and chodeine that was really not good.

I think one night I spent $3,300. That probably is nothing compared to some that use to be on here. It didn't really mean shit to me at the time either but that is more than I make in a month easy. What do I do with all of this?

Drug abuse and depression. Sometimes I think I should have had some retirement money. My parents always wanted me to get a condo. 2 years unemployed after poker and poof it was gone. I fucked it up. I fucked up the poker boom. I read Kant, Nietzsche, Rawls. Alcoholism and Bipolar I still got me. There was no hiding or running. What do I do with all of this?

We are Thrown into this Existence (at least, according to Heidegger). Babies are thrown into this existence. All crying and eating and shitting. I don't know. By elementary school I think we are just doing elementary school things. In middle school we are just doing middle school things. I used to like playing Magic: The Gathering, drawing, and playing lacrosse. I remember an All-Ohio calibre high schooler giving me rides to lacrosse camps in the summer with the top down in his Red Jeep blasting Bulls On Parade by Rage Against The Machine. I felt like a prince. I would never make All-Ohio but I was a good player in my own right. I didn't let a lack of true athletic ability take away from figuring out how to score goals. I had intangibles. I was the team captain. I should have leveraged these powers for more but I just wanted to play Tetris or Warcraft III or Diablo II. Anyways, I was just sort of doing high school things. The point is when do I have agency? I suppose I have agency now? Most people would probably agree. But, I'm just 40 doing 40 year old things although it's the path less travelled. No wife, no kids, no career. I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me. When do I have agency? Always? Never? Sometimes?

Why didn't I fuck my prom date in high school? I wasn't gay. She wanted it. I guess I could say I was anxious. I was afraid. I wasn't drunk enough. NoTDRuNKENouGH was my Full Tilt Poker screen name. It comes from a show called 12 oz. mouse. The mouse's buddy asks him, "Are you drunk???" and the mouse responds, "NoTDRUNKENouGH." There really couldn't be a better screen name for me.

Holy shit man, This is great:



The third or maybe second or whatever time I made $25,000 I was at Tom's house in Vegas. Playing enough 25/50 PLO one kind of gets immune to $25,000 days or $50,000 losses. I don't know if I ever got to that point. I remember sitting at the dining room table overlooking the pool and the Vegas blue sky listening to Beach In Hawaii by Ziggy Marley on repeat. That was a good feeling. I remember being particularly locked in to that session.

I guess we will never know how much agency we have.

As much as I like tits and ass, brains and heart are where it's at.

Baby, I can make that pussy rain often. - The Weeknd

Sometimes I fantasize about going back to my home town and fucking all the bitches I never did in high school except I had way more leverage then than now. Broke retail cashier living with his parents is just not that attractive. Anyways, my prom date is married with kids in like Arizona now.

Just keep truckin' mofos. That's about all I can say about that.

I tried playing some Path Of Exile and just did not really love it and then my friend called me and we talked for about an hour and I don't need to do any more activating activities for the night. It's definitely not the time to get the new Diablo IV expansion (Lord Of Hatred). I was so meh on Diablo IV I don't know why I am so interested in Lord Of Hatred. I'm just seeking anything at this point.

Chillin' out and listening to some Sampha is a de-activating activity. It's where I am supposed to be.

I don't know what I'm doing with this life man. Life is so absurd. I just ate some mangoes and cashew nuts and brewed up some white tea. That seems like a major win. I'll read some Pessoa before going to bed or just pass out with the light on. I'm almost done with this damn Book Of Disquiet. It has been a nice companion for quite some time now.

Just sittin' here chillin' to some Lykke Li. I enjoy solitude sometimes. Like right now. Many times I enjoy solitude. Marijuana would make it better or would it make it worse?

I never did any ketamine. Should I be doing ketamine?

Tomorrow it's probably get Lord Of Hatred or put some money on an online poker site. We'll see how I'm feelin'.

I'm not getting Lord Of Hatred... Diablo IV is trash. Blizzard is trash. Fuck them!

I'm also not depositing into an online poker site today. Club WPT looks like the best option and it looks like trash. Fuck them!

I have the fucking GTO Wizard burnrate hitting me every month. Not sure what I'm going to do about that because I do like studying but I'd rather be playing.

But fuck it!

Just got some new books:

Bluets by Maggie Nelson

The Rings Of Saturn by W.G. Sebald

Which makes me marginally happier.

A bientot bitches!

Who wants to start an online poker site?

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I feel like I should stop putting money into my company's retirement plan. Cash is better and paying off my credit card debt is better.

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I already read Bluets by Maggie Nelson. It was great. It was like a memoir through the lense of someone's obsession with the color blue.

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I wonder what ppl would say if I brought a 20 sided die to live games?

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I wonder if we will experience universal high income?

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I am just kind of vibin' with some Leon Vynehall. It's good at night. It seems like every night I am trying to de-activate but I really want to solve hobbies, solve poker, solve video games, SOLVE LIFE. I come alive at night. Everything is in dark mode including my room. I like the colors. I like colors. When I get manic I get synasthesia. It is bliss. I wish I had it all the time.

So, I want to take gummies, I want my synasthesia, I want things that I should not want yet could recieve if I take chances. Is it worth it? No...

But, maybe....

No....

D2 has a new expansion and new ladder starting in a couple days. You already own the base game so it's a no brainer if you have an itch to play a ARPG. The new class is pretty fun.

This was not on my bingo card.

I handled myself pretty well so far. Did 0 research. Just summoned a Goat Man and threw fireballs for a while. I got a Tal on my first Countess run and now I'm trying to de-activate. It's so tempting to fire it all up again until I get an Eth but I am going to be disciplined and find more de-activating activies. This is actually difficult for me to do even at age 40. I tried playing The Machine at 6 max but that is boring at this point. So, at least it's not activating. I refuse to escrow and play people on Discord heads-up. Poker seems so fucked these days besides these pockets of live games around the USA. None of which are near me until I move. The funny thing is I could study GTO Wizard for 1 year, or actually I can't because it's fucking tedius, get into these live 9 max games and be dissatisfied because most live 9 max is hideously banal apart from some initial novelty or characters in the game.

I'm kind of pissed right now. Just singing super emotional Radiohead and Frank Ocean and James Blake songs by myself in my room. I'm not even recording anything. Just singing my heart out. It feels good.