Navigating through the seasons

This one's for Loco:

Edgar Morin

Still Life #1 (Unfinished)

Pittsburgh

Untitled

Mort formidable

Sleep Paralysis

Self-Portrait (Covid)

Happy thanksgiving rikd, how was dinner?

Dinner was really nice. There was good food and good people. I think a lot of people have unreasonable expectations surrounding the holidays. It's like a drug that can never fix them. Or maybe I'm reading too into things.

Unreasonable expectations = future resentments

Everybody wants Thanksgiving to be great. It's rarely great but I feel like my Thanksgiving experience was great but that's only because it was very Byung-Chul Han. A festive ritual that didn't try to be too much. I don't think I'm grasping at air and trying to turn it into some luxorious, ecstatic experience. There was no ecstasy involved. Just good food and good people and a day of rest which almost surpassed rest for work but didn't quite make it in the end. Work was happy I went back to making it money refreshed and in good spirits. So, I can't really be too mad at the whole process. Well, I can be. Of course, I can be. I'm now tired and a little hazy and not in good shape or spirits to study poetry or read or create. I want to go for a walk with the dog, masturbate, overeat food, smoke, drink, do drugs. Post-work is a different mindset. I don't even want to watch a challenging movie. I could take some mirtazapine and blast through an anime on Netflix though. But, the bottomline is there is no rest for rest's sake it is only rest for work. Even if the rest for work does prepare me for a better day of work there is still something ugly about it all. My brother and his wife are coming down to watch a football game tomorrow and I can only be there for a couple of hours but I have bills to pay so that's how it goes. Time to drink a Celsius and take the dog for a walk.... Maybe I'll catch a second wind, maybe I won't.

That's the thing though. I took this job so I could enjoy my hobbies more but it has turned into a lot of work. Most of my willpower is used at work....

fuck it

time to walk

Friday night, somewhere in the universe -- let's go

no holding back let's type

i wish to type as coltrane blows -- as water flows

fuck this whole thing is not going to rhyme HAHAHAHA

it's just an exercise in trying to get things out purely

I've already had experience maybe i wont even include periods that could get messy

I am listening to Floating Points which is probably altering my thoughts somewhat. At least there are no lyrics. Floating Points. I don't even remember exactly what that means in coding / math but if someone were to tell me I would probably think "oh yeah, I'm such a dummy, duh."

I could write about the time I jizzed in my pants in a strip club but I've already told that one. $60 Veuve Cliquot from Costco was the catalyst for that cataclysm. Capitalism. Can't live with it can't live without it eh? Is there no alternative?

Water flows how it will flow. Niagra Falls down. Did you know the the flow of liquid steel has virtually the exact same properties of the flow of water? I used to have a good job in the steel industry. Of course, it was all nepotism. If my dad weren't the VP of Marketing and Technology I had no chance at getting a job there. It was a gift and a curse but overall it fucked me up majorly. I would have been better off getting a bartender job in Milwaukee. My alcoholism probably takes me down ever time. It's really baffling to think about. Does alcoholism take me down everytime? Am I lucky to be alive? Or maybe even worse lucky not to be stuck in an institution like a psych ward or jail waiting around to die?

I wish to paint. The problem is there is no studio space in this million dollar home. I can't with good consciense risk dirtying this million dollar home.

I don't need luxury. I never have. That's one of the reasons I have survived.

We were a bunch of crazy kids in Argentina and all over.

It's sad I don't talk to anyone anymore. That's a past life these days. It's the same for the group of people I got sober with. These are kindred spirits. Spirits that drift away like ghosts. They exist. I'm sure they exist. Another past life. So, how do I improve my life for today? That's a tough one. Move. Move back to Ohio. The problem is I can't do that by myself.

Lukewarm lullaby

Lucid dreaming

I can control my dreams but nothing in a wakeful state. What can I control? They say control what you can control and don't worry about the rest. What can I control?

What is that the Serenity prayor?

I don't even remember it.

Blow -- Blow harder -- Just blow man

I can try to type faster I can try to type faster I can try to ty pe faster

but nah man you don't need to go faster you need to go clearer

Lucid dreaming

I am dreaming

I am controlling my dream

the wakeful state is a dream -- a simulation

reality has dissapearred

don't be afraid don't be afraid don't be afraid

it's like drifting in the middle of the ocean when you know a boat is nearby

the sun beating down on the blue crystral waves

there maybe sharks but that is not likely -- they usually don't go for humans unless they are floating -- most humans don't float in most waters, treading water

treading water.

i learned to tread water at a young age and I had to swim the length of the pool in order to get my swimming certificate. i never go to the beach anymore. i have panic attacks when i'm on the road especially crossing bridges. it is the bane of my existence. exposure therapy is going s l o o o o o w .

i remember going to the clubs on High Street and listening to Nelly Furtado.
i remember going to the clubs in Buenos Aires and listening to David Guetta.
I remember going to the clubs in Las Vegas and listening to i don't remember

Where am I going?

I don't know.

Escape. I still look for escape. It's better to breathe.

Shit. I have to start thinking about taking my medications and going to bed. I have to wake up early tomorrow so I can have lunch with my brother who I never see.

I am exactly where I need to be right now. right now. right now. and the moment has passed. and there is a new moment. and there is a new moment. and i will seize the moment. and i will be gone for now.

There is no sound in the suburbs

click clakck clickity clakc cklak jack fact fiction diction puncture rupture function gumption candy dandy fandy landy pandy mandy morrison correction erection flection fleck of flack of flickity flicktion rapture capture dap dap dapture meany miney mo money mo problems cobblems cobbler corn on the cob bob fob rob mob pob and mother and father daughter tochter bruder food germ firm yet supple bubble butt plug HA!

There is no sound in the suburbs

I am hidden, hidden away -- with my headphones

loud enough I couldn't even hear a lawnmower

There is no sound in the suburbs

Cars go by -- some are audible I admit

Poopy diaper not for me -- never for me -- ever for me

No kids still problems -- what can i do?

This spontaneous prose thing is hard work when it should be easy -- no tellin'

What to write? After lifting my brain appears more empty... which is probably a good thing

I am not typing too fast -- slow like Codeine or Radiohead's Tourist

Which Radiohead is falling out of favor with me -- Too much apologies for Israel's behavior and in a way compared to a lot of stuff a lot of their stuff is not that original. I love Bending Hectic (The Smile) but it almost seems forumulaic like exactly at 6 min. we are going to climax on an 8 min. song. Although the Hail to the Theif live stuff is pretty good. What happened? Hail to the Theif to being Pro Israel. How many Palestinian children and innocents must die?

I read a book one time I think it was called The Artists's Way that every morning when one gets up they just type everything that comes to mind to free up the mind for creative endeavours. I also was studying Jack Keroac's poetry and he believed in spontaneous prose. I don't much care for On The Road by Jack Keroac but I find his poetry interesting. Not as good as Ginsberg but compelling in its own way. I would have been a Beatnik in those days most likely. I'm some form of beat in 2025.

I would like to have sex again at some point. I don't know if that is possible. At the gym today I think I stole this Hot Babe's spot on the military press. She was doing circuits and disappeared so I thought it was free but then she got next to me no a flat bench doing military press and we were going in unison. It felt kind of awkward but what is one to do? I have to get my lift in. I'm not listening to any music today but my parents are watching The Great British Bake Show or whatever it's called and I can hear noise from the TV.

It's odd that I don't have much on my mind but I am censoring my thoughts a bit too. I don't know if pure spontaneous prose exists. I can avoid censoring whatever is on the page though but it's difficult to not censor my thoughts.

What comes to mind is the first time I had sex. I like Patrice O'Neal's joke about having sex just to save images for jerking off. I like cowgirl and hitting it from the back. Missionary is obviously a classic. My brain has been molded by porn. Too much masturbation, not enough of the real thing. Jerking off to jackhammering I wish it were not ingrained. I don't think many or any women actually like being jackhammered into oblivion and the constant noise and orgasms is great for masturbation but not that realistic.

Oh good. My wash is done.

Let's talk about gated communities. I live in a gated community. It's actually quite nice in here. So, part of my identity is ribbing on bourgois / suburban life but I have one foot in and one foot out. Again, I am a hypocrite.

It is the primetime of my life, now, now, now, and I'm not really living it am I?

I'm too tired to do a lot of things but yet not tired enough to fall asleep. I am pumping out these journals to cope, to try and learn something about myself, to try and free myself of the chains. I don't think it really works but I have nothing else to do.

Let's try a spontaneous prose poem:

I was sitting by the river
contemplating life
the sky was pink with scattered pale, slate blue clouds
i ordered oysters with my salad
my pithy attempt to be vegan
46 million turkies died at the battle of thanksgiving
it wasn't much of a battle
fatten em up by any means necessary and then murder them one by one 46 million times
i ate some turkey today
i am a hypocrite and complicit
it doesn't keep me up at night
maybe i should make my lines longer like the beats
fragments are ok but the lines are longer in the beatnik poetry
this isn't really much of a poem
more like random thoughts
it's the primetime of my life now, now, now
and i am writing shitty poetry
typing on the keyboard is better than staring at the ceiling fan or a tree outside through the window
boredom, loneliness, tiredness
the funny thing is this could qualify as beat poetry
bad beat poetry but poetry nonetheless
i want to have sex with shakira
speak spanish to me baby, speak spanish to me babe
those hips don't lie
does everything come back to sex?
like the reason anyone does anything?
i wish to be stronger than that
a big factor in consumption is the fantasy surrounding what we are purchasing
there's always a narrative on how it will make our life better
usually that narrative is false -- not real
reality has disappeared
i love dark chocolate but it's not going to change my life
the same can be said for blueberries and white tea
i would say this "prose" has been pretty spontaneous but i wouldn't call it poetry
more like spontaneous stream of consciousness although it's not pure stream of consciousness
i don't know why i keep getting fragments of the night i jizzed my pants in a strip club
her "name" was lovely, she was lovely
sashayed up and asked to visit the backroom
i did my best to arouse her nipples
they never got erect
she was in it for the money
i was in it for the touch
i think about getting a sex worker today
lovely moved so well
her long hair moving
her taut body
the back tattoo
coke white tiger
i wish i had some coke
i wish i had had some coke
i jizzed my pants
i felt the warmth on my leg
it felt damn good in that moment
but then i realized i had to move through the strip club and drive home wasted
i got home and drank the rest of the hennessey
i passed out
sometimes i grow tired of consciousness
it's a lot sometimes
so much that i need to try and find touch at a strip club or find oblivion with a bottle
i wouldn't be opposed to visiting a sex worker today it's just a money issue and a legality issue
i just want touch
i want stimulating conversation
i want to do something other than sit here and drone on
this is not creative
i'm just typing whatever comes to my mind
i don't want to kill anyone
i'm afraid i'll call someone a nigger, retard, or faggot and get cancelled
that's kind of an odd one since i don't have any ill will for black people, mentally ill people, or LGBTQ people
the first time i had sex was with a sex worker and it was fantastic
she totally seduced me
i was be-witched by her kiss
it hit all the porn aesthetics
deep throat
cow girl with out the hands
double d breasts
she wasn't the most attractive in the face but her hair cascading down
hitting all the positions that look great for me without any consideration for her
there was no clit eating
it was exactly what i wanted and she got what she wanted -- la plata -- silver -- money -- dinero
i had a fantasy associated with how sex could go and i think my first experience exceeded that fantasy
i had sex with a real pro
we think of sex every 7 seconds?
the more we think about sex the more we think about sex?
the only people who are obsessed with sex are the undersexed and the oversexed?
i don't remember where i heard that
i just want some peace
i don't know if this is leading to peace
peace is such a fleeting state
i just want peace
i just want some peace
I'm just chillin' listening to RIVKA
now i'm just listening to radiohead the bends
i liked them better then
i wish i was bulletproof
this existence -- i think i might have some form of existential crisis everyday
that is ok if you are like 15 or 20 not 40
40 we are supposed to have our shit together
i have no idea how to live this life and i never will - the man who sleeps
when i went to paris i didn't have these problems
paris solved existence for me -- at least for a few days
it's 11:44 and i am exactly where i need to be right now
i am a sucker for numerology
the angels have my back -- at least for now
my beard is getting too long and same with my hair -- i'm thinking of going with a buzzcut and a beard fade for my next haircut -- it looks kind of weird to have really short hair and then a beard that is too long on the sides -- i think it looks much better to fade it into the sides although this is a trend i think it is a sound trend
i wish to be a monk, a minimalist, an anti-consumer,
i think a buzzcut and a beard fade acheive this the best
a little shampoo with zero hair product
i am not shaving everyday
even though i bought a bunch of shaving supplies -- oops
my hair product is running out and i dont wish to replenish it
now i'm starting to get tired
maybe read some baronness elsa and get some sleep

Hi rikd that's way too much to read lol

im tired lonely and bored again
i fight the bourgeois but i am one foot in the borgeois
that's why i have to fight it
materialistic aspirations and conventional values -- i have to fight it
porn does a lot for me when i am masturbating
i can find some media that i like
but its not the real thing
when im with a woman i like to perform cunnilingus -- kissing, petting, cuddling
its different from pornography
the best is to mix the best of both worlds
women have learned from porn too for better or for worse
here i am again with this crap
i have to try and empty my mind so i can have an empty mind which is impossible but i can try
i just said it was impossible so why should i try
we can say a less full mind -- a more peaceful mind -- i'm not sure if it really works
i have a lot of worries on my mind -- its just the way it goes -- many times during the day i am an anxious person -- i wish i could fix that -- it's just consciousness -- i can't help it
its just consciousness i can't help it -- i can't help it its just consciousness
i don't think most ppl have the fear of saying nigger, retard, or faggot in public
i bet a lot of ppl are anxious about healthcare
i bought these $10 t-shirts from pacific sunwear and they are ok -- not great but ok -- i can wear them to the gym or w/e -- i would prefer the fabric to be nicer and for them to be a bit longer
Fear of God -- Issey Miyake -- Rick Owens
i am still brainwashed
my false idols that bring me fantasies
like coolness and maybe a chance at getting laid
which is ridiculous
i don't need designer clothes to get laid
i need money though
which is why i continue to drag my ass to work
it's not really to get laid since i don't really have a chance at that at the moment
it's more about surviving and attempting to thrive under the conditions
the more i think about it the more it is about peace -- peace of mind -- peace of soul -- piece of soul
sitting in one place for a period of time either occupied scratch that occupy is not the best word -- time spent peacefully, engaged in something that you can't put a dollar amount on -- this spontaneous writing stuff seems to be from an impulsive place -- a needy place -- i'd rather it be from a peaceful place -- one where i can think -- although it's no longer spontaneous if i take too much time contemplating -- that's ok with me -- i'm trying to better myself -- be at peace with myself
it's difficult though
im forcing things too much
i'd be better off staring at the ceiling fan, or reading

im tired not bored not lonely but kinda sad cuz poker is stressfulllllll but its okay I just need a break, but I can't stop playing lol. was playing free rolls lol won a few dollars. I dont know how ppl do it be a crushing high stakes pro(I bet there are some RTAING MFERS, I think sites should just allow it so I can RTA too n not get in trouble). im just a low-mid stake guy aint no end boss like those guys. ill get to work on my game. my game is fine when fresh its just when I play tired thats the problem mate.

ill get to reading ur blog soon rikd but im too tired too read so many words. head is spinning.

hope work is okay though? at least ur making money now n can enjoy some finer things in life. while me I get by with what I have.
I hear yea I dont mind the bougie cuz im one foot in that door too while another foot in the modest door. sometimes I live good sometimes I live okay sometimes meh so i understand all levels of life the luxury the okay and the struggles.(except the super bougie I havent tasted that life in awhile, well I did live in a very expensive house at one point in my life and making a lot of money but I was living with my parents but we sold that house to get 2 other houses). I got a taste of the super bougie things long time ago but I never flew first class or private jets or drove a lambo but I did paid half for a brand new Lexus SUV but that car is older now like in 2010 but we still have it. my luxury is a nice place n lots of free time the okay is food n activities, the struggle is tiredness

I hear yea I was forcing myself to make good money again but im okay with okay money now. the game is different and has pass me by for a great income now. a solid income from poker is still possible for me but not great unless I blink a nice score again but that wishful thinking cuz it hard as heck these days. I gotta admit Ryan is a better tournament player than me cuz he can sit for 12 hours str8 n still play solid. I get tired after 5 hours thats why I gotta make a game plan on how to take more breaks but I think I might be a bit better(maybe not I dont know) in cash game but not if we play 8 hours str8 of cash games. I like my 3 2 hour sessions thats more than enough for me but playing Ryan in cash game is -ev cuz there is more +ev spots but I did offer to play a sit n go with him but that hasn't happen yet. I can't wait to play a 50$ sit n go with him cuz it be fun to see how he thinks of my game now. I watch his stream sometimes.

Ok. I think I am done with the whole spontaneous prose thing. Someone said of Keroac that he was more of a typist than a writer.

I said I was going to boycott Radiohead and The Smile but then I Wish I Was Bulletproof came on the radio. My hypocrisy expands to no bounds. I did eat a clam and pasta dish for dinner tonight. I have been going the bivalve route whenever possible.

I think I am going to go ahead and get a bass guitar. I am inching closer and closer to this fate. There is a Guitar Center not too far away. Considering I don't know how to play a bass guitar yet I figure I'll go down to the store and make sure it feels right and the frets are in order and etc. In my mind it's down to 3 guitars: Squire P Bass, Yamaha TRBX174 Bass, or Ibanez GSR200 Bass.

I may go the TRBX304 route or the BB234 route. We'll have to see how the basses feel and sound.