Navigating through the seasons

I used to get blazar'd beyond comprehension and listen to this album at night:

If someone handed me a joint right now I am not sure if I would turn it down.

Hopefully, I self-destruct on here so I don't self-destruct in real life.

I would prefer not to drink alcohol but man, if someone had a volcano bag full of chronic vapors I just don't know if I say no. That's just where I'm at right now. Luckily, there is no marijuana in the house and I have no idea how to get some. The next question is, will my mind obsess about this or nah?

I have a slab of uncut playing cards framed on my wall. Bacharat was a thing for a while. You get dealt a 10, J, Q, K then you get dealt a 4 across (9 is the best hand, 10 is the worst hand). That shit is ecstasy! I would go into this smoky casino full of sick asian gamblers. Sometimes I would be one of the only white people in there. I would never see asians around the town but somehow they were all in the casino gambling. The casino let everyone damage the cards so everyone would peel so ridiculous and tear up cards if they were pissed. Gambling is another addiction for me. It's best for me to stay away but there is gambling in everyday life. It gets tricky. It's actually not really a big deal today. It's not like I have a ton of money sitting around. I work to survive. I think I am generally risk averse these days.

Tobacco is one I wish I could get away with doing. I love nicotine. It's a good thing I stay away.

I'm just navigating. Navigating through the seasons.

Man, so high that I can't even open my eyes and think ghosts are stalking me:

-bjQ&start_radio=1

Is that the pinnacle of life?

I mean the room is pitch pitch black. I'm under the covers because our house is haunted. It's almost too much. I don't have experiences like that anymore.

White tea + Nicolas Jaar (!!!)

-r_k&start_radio=1

I'm so calm, I'm so cool,
white tea and chocolate coursing through my veins,
oranges and kiwis blossom in my soul,

I was never exposed to poetry my entire life mas o menos. I was in Honors English my freshman year and seemed to be settled on that AP track except I dropped out because I did not want to do the summer reading. 3 stinking books. I read 3 books a week today. The problem was the first book was called The Joy Luck Club and it was not a great book. Why the teacher chose this book is beyond me but I got through it. I read it. I think the other book was The Red Badge of Courage which seemed kind of awful too. The other book was any book of my choosing. I could not read these 2 stinking books. Since I dropped out of the AP track and there was no more room in any classes the only opening was like a remedial English. They didn't call it remedial English but the class was full of fuck ups. Actually, it was quite entertaining at times but I didn't learn shit.

I picked up The Norton Anthology of Poetry from my good friend Emma. It is formatted terribly in the Kindle but some of it is still readable. A little late to try to learn poetry but better late than never. I basically just opened the large tome to a random page and started reading. A lot of it is quite good.

I write mostly about my life. I write about my life as fiction, or science fiction, or even fantasy. But regardless of the genre it is personal experience. I haven't published anything lately.

The most interesting observations I've made that are generally applicable is that creatine is a little suspect (any white powder is). Creatine is a lifter's supplement.

Guaifenesin (an expectorant) specifically is the second because it mixes poorly with alcohol. DayQuil (rather than NyQuil) is dangerous to drink even a little while you're using it. It's because of Guaifenesin.

Third and most difficult is back in old times 25+ years ago cartels used to sell cannabis cut with ether (the anesthetic). Ether is such an old school anesthetic for medicinal herbs that it was suggested as Ether / Bombos / Quake in LttP. Literally since forever, syndicate / cartel cut with an anesthetic. Obviously unless you smoked weed back in 1990 or something you would have no idea. So young people today never have to worry about this.

On October 08 2025 18:29 failsafe wrote: Third and most difficult is back in old times 25+ years ago cartels used to sell cannabis cut with ether (the anesthetic). Ether is such an old school anesthetic for medicinal herbs that it was suggested as Ether / Bombos / Quake in LttP. Literally since forever, syndicate / cartel cut with an anesthetic. Obviously unless you smoked weed back in 1990 or something you would have no idea. So young people today never have to worry about this.

Interesting...

I live in California. A lot of the weed we have here comes straight from the source (usually Santa Cruz or some other forest-y area).

On October 08 2025 01:26 failsafe wrote: I write mostly about my life. I write about my life as fiction, or science fiction, or even fantasy. But regardless of the genre it is personal experience. I haven't published anything lately.

Invention based on personal experience.

On October 08 2025 18:29 failsafe wrote: The most interesting observations I've made that are generally applicable is that creatine is a little suspect (any white powder is). Creatine is a lifter's supplement. Guaifenesin (an expectorant) specifically is the second because it mixes poorly with alcohol. DayQuil (rather than NyQuil) is dangerous to drink even a little while you're using it. It's because of Guaifenesin. Third and most difficult is back in old times 25+ years ago cartels used to sell cannabis cut with ether (the anesthetic). Ether is such an old school anesthetic for medicinal herbs that it was suggested as Ether / Bombos / Quake in LttP. Literally since forever, syndicate / cartel cut with an anesthetic. Obviously unless you smoked weed back in 1990 or something you would have no idea. So young people today never have to worry about this.

I probably should take creatine. I have gotten great results from it in the past but for some reason I haven't used any creatine for the past 11 months.

Why is creatine suspect?

It's a shame I only sort of know German and I only sort of know Spanish. The ship has probably sailed on those 2 languages. I'd have to move to a German speaking country or a Spanish speaking country to have a chance. The best bet at this point is to continue to improve my English. Which that is no easy feat either.

Does anyone have any poetry suggestions? The Norton Anthology of Poetry I have is formatted so terribly it's hard to read and it's so large it's a little overwhelming.

I have to let my medications and some food settle in.

I am listening to "audifonos con cable - Sumérgete en un panorama imaginario de paisajes sonoros atmosféricos."

I worked for some time today, took a walk, then I lifted weights. I feel pretty spent.

This is my life. It's difficult not to be in the depression range. I think if I had something, anything my life could be a bit better. Whether that is social connection or some form of art. I think even if I was writing bad poetry my life would be better but I don't know how.

I need something. We always need something. I need something beyond water, food, shelter, health insurance.

I'm so atomized. Most of my co-workers are high school kids... and they do the job better than me.