Navigating through the seasons

I am feeling a bit stressed. I figure sippin' on some white tea and making a post might make me feel better. Maybe, maybe not. Both of my sisters are getting a divorce in the same week. It's for the better. Divorces seem very unpleasant any way you cut it though. I think what is stressing me out is that it is really stressing my parents out. I'm just sittin' here listening to some OM. I am also doing laundry. The tree outside of my window is leafless. It is winter. Navigating through the seasons.

I did a setup on my bass and the E-string is still buzzing when I fret. Trussrod is fine. The strings were too close to the neck so I adjusted the bridge saddles. There is a bit more action but I'm fine with that. It plays better. I checked the nut. It is fine. I fixed the intonation. I decided not to touch the pickups because the sound is perfectly fine coming out of the amp. The fact that fretting the E-string is still causing buzzing has been frustrating me today. I don't have the answers and I should just accept that I need a luthier or a guitar tech. I'm still glad I did a setup by myself. A guitar probably needs a setup anytime new strings are put on or if the guitar has been through a humidity change.

I just adjusted my trussrod. Call me high action Jackson. I can always re-adjust if it is too ridiculous but getting this damn bass setup is like my new white whale. It's always possible some of the frets were cut wonky or the nut is fucked but I think at that point it's time to take it to a professional luthier.

We'll see what this fucking truss rod does overnight. The fucking fret is probably uneven or the nut is cut too low but I don't get any buzz on open strings. Too much contradictory information on the internet to start filing frets or messing with the nut. Could potentially be technique but I know how to fret and it buzzes with the gentlest of plucks. After the last test it was only the first fret on the E string which leads me to believe it's a fucking uneven fret. Oh well, all I can do is let some time pass and see how the truss rod adjustment effects things. At least I'm learning more about the bass guitar and getting closer to my instrument. It's maybe a good thing for learning as lesser buzz means I'm doing something right with technique but that first fret on the E string is horrendous no matter how perfect my technique is.

I've been taking a step back lately and looking more into spirituality. I'm re-reading The Gospels in Brief by Tolstoy. I realize it is an interpretation of an interpretation but I seem to get a lot out of it. I'm done with the adjustments on my guitar. I don't want to mess with the truss rod or the bridge saddles anymore. It is what it is until I can get it to a luthier or guitar tech. I just play through it. It's entirely possible I went into a Guitar Center and bought a lemon and I was too much of a noob to discern it. I just fell in love with the thing. How can you not fall in love with a 70s Fender P bass even if it is made in Indonesia? I've learned my lesson. I've learned many lessons. I just hope someone can fix it even if that someone is not me.

Looking at all of this stuff over again there are a lot of similar insights taken from Buddhism or Christianity. I am very under-educated in Islam. The Quran may be the next place I look. I wonder if a Quran in brief exists interpreted by someone I can trust? It would probably be wise to start a meditation practice again.

Case in point that sensual pleasures are not to be chased. I ate at a bougie restaurant and went to look at Rembrants today. There was some pleasure but in the end it was mostly dissatisfying.

I really think that body fat % is more important than shoulder/lat width. Shoulder breadth is mostly genetic I would say. A lot can be done with focusing on the medial delt and lats but losing some body fat % / decreasing the waist is going to have more of an impact. The same can be said for bringing out back definition. It's why I am in a cutting phase. Well, I am cutting mostly because I need to lose more body fat. I was on the maingain train (body recomposition) for a while but that yielded some great results and it's time to trim off some fat while hopefully holding on to the muscle I have built over the past year. Bodybuilding can be vain, it can be sculpture, it can be a key component of mental health, it can be a lot of things.

It's about spirit and deeds. What do you think it's about?

if someone slaps me in the mouth and i punch them in the chin and knock them out
i am more evil
and that might lead to them stabbing me or something
which might lead me to kill them
versus
forgiveness is interesting too
it is better to forgive
and not be apart of someone's life
if they constantly wrong me
corporations are kind of evil
but i take their money in order to eat and wear clothing and etc.
but i should never give them my soul
never ever let that happen
my soul belongs to god
i'm a slave to money but i must not give money my soul
i'm a slave to god
it's complicated and confusing
on money it says "in god we trust"
and we are negotiating with an unblinking benjamin franklin
we can never win
maybe we can win if we don't let money completely captivate us

I wish to live. I wish to live from this day forward in the Spirit and good deeds. No ill actions towards my fellow man. How do I not lust for women? The curvature of the leg in black leggings. That sweet, angelic face of the Italian MILF speaking Italian to her voluptuous friend. Too many to count or name. My only oath is to God to live in the Spirit and do good. Resist not evil. Evil only breeds more evil. I intend to love all of humanity as if they are my brothers. They are my brothers from God. Earth citizens regardless if they are foreigners or strangers. Let Thy will be done.

I keep my deoderant next to my mement mori skull in my bookcase. On one hand I need deoderant to be integrated into society of sorts. On the other hand I need to remember to die. It is inevitable for humans to wear deoderant in order to not be offensive. It is inevitable for humans to perish.

Is my recent resurgance in spirituality the fad of the winter? Only time will tell. Even Jesus faltered in his faith. I think Jesus's 5 commandments outlined in The Gospels in Brief by Tolstoy are reasonable. The idea to live in the Spirit and do good deeds is sound. The idea to live in God's will and not my own can be tricky. Commandments are man made. How do I know that I am in God's will? There really is no evidence of a God. There is evidence of a Universe and science. Repeating "Let Thy will be done" to the ceiling is more of a mantra than anything else?

I have trouble living. I need help. A therapist is not enough. A therapist can help but a therapist is not enough.

I need space and time to read and think. What it really boils down to is attention if not energetic attention. Some may say this is a waste. To read and to think or more specifically this blog is a waste. As I forge ahead on this spiritual path I must read and think. There is more to life than the earthly life. Pleasure. Maybe I should smoke the best strains of Indica marijuana and make music. That's the contradiction. Jesus says I should live without lust but I like lust. I like marijuana. I like music. Yet, I don't smoke marijuana anymore and I am sitting here on the bass playing Hot Cross Buns trying to perfect it before I move on to the next one.

Gethsemane

It was Gethsemane where Jesus realized that Judas would betray him and that he would be tortured and crucified. He prayed 3 times to God. "Let Thy will be done." He went on to feed the disciples bread and wine and wash their feet knowing that Judas would betray him and that he would be tortured and crucified.

Then there is me. Lusting after women all day long. Muttering "Let Thy will be done" skeptically into the ceiling. No way I'm washing anyones' feet. Commandments are man made and man interpreted. I don't believe they come from God.

I must walk a spiritual path. The Kingdom of God is within you. Why must I walk a spiritual path? Because the alternative is untenable.

I can also obsess over what new strings to put on my bass. That will work for a while.

I am always stuck between some Nietzschean / absurdist view of the world and a spiritual view of the world. I am deeply skeptical of religions. I can even drift to cynical fatalist views of the world to the point of nihilism / despair. I think I would be better off just constantly stoned reading spiritual texts and creating music. Maybe I don't need to be stoned it's just something I'm fixating on at the moment. It's because just about everything on the planet is better with the right kind of weed. Being high for an entirety of existence is not sustainable though and there is burnout. Take it from someone who spent months at a time stoned to the gills. Marijuana never brought me to my knees though. It enhanced life for the most part. This is the point in the blog where I rationalize why I should use marijuana. I need something for the hole in my soul. I was probably right the first time and try to fill that son of a bitch up with spirituality. It has to be credible though. Credible spirituality is not always easy to find.

I must read and think. This is crucial to my life. I finally finished the Bolaño (2666). It took me a long while because I was reading other stuff along with it and I had to work so many hours in a week. It is liberating to only wish to read and closing the doors on writing. The problem is I still have one eye on reading and one eye on eventually writing something. It's like I can't get that bug out of the system. The Bolaño was great (2666). Dare I say it is a masterpiece. I am unsure what to read next. Byung-Chul Han has a new book on gardening. I should probably read my sister's second book at some point. Then there is the vast array of spiritual fodder. I'm less looking for fodder for the herd and more looking at something more substantial. I don't know what that is yet but I'll keep looking.

Maybe I'll re-read the Joyful Wisdom by Nietzsche.

Maybe I'll read some Eugene Ionesco.

I should probably read some hardcore Nietzschean stuff or absurdist stuff to balance the Jesus stuff. I know a little about Buddhism, less about the Bhagavad Gita, a little about the Tao Te Ching, and next to nothing about Islam.

I am reading this academic text on Islam and Middle Eastern History and Culture. Islam thinks that God wrote the Quran and that the Torah and Gospels were written by man. That is why they can jihad. Islam was founded through war between Medina and Mecca. My prophet is better than your prophet, etc. I'll have to read more but I am skeptical of all this religious stuff.

Meanwhile, I am still working on Hot Cross Buns on the bass. Maybe if I can just get that musicality and groove right I can move on to Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.

Has anyone thought about how they want to die? Has anyone thought about how they want to be treated after death?

I once read The Perennial Psychology of the Bhagavad Gita. It was at the suggestion of one of the wise AA old timers who had like 35 years sobriety. We were going to have a book study but it never surfaced. I don't remember much from it and I don't remember it being particularly impactful. I do like the idea of the cremation ghats in India. Burn the bodies and put the remains in the Ghanges River. I don't remember the exact circumstances in Game of Thrones but putting the body in a boat and shooting a fire arrow into the pyre / boat is excellent. Maybe that is how I want to be cremated and my ashes scattered. I don't think I want to rot in an expensive casket with an expensive grave stone. The grave stone will weather and I will be worm food before then.

The problem with Islam as I see it so far is that it started from rival nomadic and non-nomadic clans and tribes at war. It is simply a story of saying we are more pious than you now it is time for jihad. The "more pious" become autocratic and whoever wins a battle has allah on their side which further cements their "more pious" status. There will always be a faction claiming more pious and declaring jihad on Muslims and non-Muslims.

The Five Pillars of Islam

1.) Shahada (Profession of Faith): "There is no god but God (allah), and Muhammad is His messenger."

So far I think I like Jesus more than Muhammad. Might be a deal breaker on the first pillar.

2.) Salah (Prayer): Performing ritual prayers five times a day (at dawn, noon, afternoon, sunset, and night) facing the Kaaba in Mecca, connecting with God.

I could get down with this. Might be difficult to accomplish this based on sleep schedules and work schedules. Might feel like I am talking to a wall versus God. I read some of the prayers. They aren't bad.

3.) Zakat (Almsgiving): Donating a fixed portion (usually 2.5%) of one's wealth to help the poor and needy, purifying wealth and fostering community.

Doesn't seem like a bad idea.

4.) Sawm (Fasting): Abstaining from food, drink, and other physical needs from dawn until sunset during the holy month of Ramadan, promoting empathy and spiritual reflection.

Sounds tough but could be worthwhile.

5.) Hajj (Pilgramage): A mandatory pilgrimage to Mecca for every Muslim who is physically and financially capable, performed at least once in their lifetime, symbolizing unity and submission.

Sounds like a lot of traffic to me but I could also see it as life-affirming.

I'm just trying to see what I can glean from Islamic philosophy / wisdom. Perhaps a biography of Muhhamad is next or texts from Sufis / mystics. It's more of a historical / cultural project than anything else. Could I learn something from a traditional Muslim farmer / trader in Medina? Could there be a community there that is interesting to study?

I am toying with the idea of turning in my Squire 70s Classic Vibe P Bass and Fender Rumble 25 for a Yamaha TRBX174 and Fender Rumble 40.

OR

Drop some money on a Yamaha TRBX505 and go back to playing with headphones on a guitar amp and figure out the amp later. I've heard a Rumble 40 (10'' speaker) isn't even good enough for a clean low B. The Rumble 25 (8'' speaker) isn't even good enough for EADG. That might be the play. Get a TRBX505 and hold out for an amp until I can get a 12'' speaker.

BUT

There is conflicting wisdom here. Some say learn on a 4 string. Some say if you want to play a 5 string just play the 5 string. I want to play a 5 string.

This is a groovy song:





The place shown in the image is Manikarnika Ghat in Varanasi, Uttar Pradesh, India.
It is one of the oldest and most sacred ghats in Varanasi,
situated on the banks of the River Ganges.
Manikarnika Ghat is a significant site for Hindu cremations, with pyres burning continuously.
It is believed that being cremated here provides moksha, liberation from the cycle of birth and death.

I should probably have a will. I was going to set one up with a previous Doctor but never did. I am still uncertain on how I want my remains taken care of. Maybe cremated and ashes scattered in Lake Erie or the Atlantic Ocean. I think that if I don't write anything down I will be put in a grave in a cemetery and I don't think I want that.

Have any of you thought about how you want to die? How you want your remains taken care of? Cremated on a spiritual pyre and ashes scattered in the Ganges River seems dope but I am not Hindu nor Indian. It doesn't feel right. I don't want any urns involved either. A Folgers can is good enough.

When you depart this place
What do you hope to leave?
Who's gonna carry your body
Your legacy, your dynasty? (Kublai Khan TX)

Will I care if I leave anything? My legacy, my dynasty?

I'll be dead. Don't know about heaven or rebirth. Maybe nothingness is peaceful, quiet. I do care that my nephews and niece have good lives. My younger siblings. My younger siblings who are more adult than me. Do we not care about the future generations? Pour ceux qui viendront après. Quand l'un tombe, on continue.