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A bit depressed

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RiKD    United States. Nov 26 2018 18:53. Posts 5438
I am a bit depressed. I really have no idea if this blog will help I am just grasping at straws. It feels like at this point in time I should know how to deal with depression: hang out with friends, go for a walk, refrain from sleeping so damn much but sleep is the only reprieve I have from an existence that is so mundane. Where did this all come from? I think part of it stems from feeling like I had a way in life. The Buddha, the Dhamma, the Sangha. Except for the fact my meditation teacher fell through. Actually, my original Buddhist "guru" Noah Levine was surrounded by scandal. The local monk was a bust and then the online monk who seemed to be the answer was not. I was meditating for 1+ hours a day for many days and reading scripture religiously. I can never have a Sangha because I can never become a monk. I still believe in the Buddha and the Dhamma but can't seem to get myself to read anything. The only thing I read is "Infinite Jest" by DFW which is quite a sad novel. I also read AdBusters magazine which is a bit much at times but I have been enjoying it. If anyone would like to read the most recent one or 5 classic magazines digitally PM me and I'll send you the link.

So, I grasp. I go to AA meetings. AA meetings full of praying and turning our life and wills over to G O D. But, maybe I have some conversations with some fellow drunks and maybe that makes me feel better. Then there is Refuge. It means well but I don't know the exact words I want to use to disparage it.

I don't see my therapist until next week I had to do something.

I realize I have very few friends here that I can text or call and do something with. It didn't seem to bother me when I was on this path to Enlightenment but now that path seems tarnished or tired and honestly the best time I've had in the last 2 months was getting vegan curry with a friend and going for a walk.

The biggest event in the last week was going to Goodwill to investigate the clothing they had there. Rather disappointing.

I'm lost in the world.

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hiems   United States. Nov 26 2018 22:35. Posts 1499

Become the 3-eyed raven.

...Im depressed too. My current plan is to keep working a few years where im at then transfer to Las Vegas at my company.


Loco   Canada. Nov 27 2018 02:47. Posts 19778

I'm depressed too but I feel like it's not a problem I need to try to fix. I'm not trying to help myself, not trying to become 'undepressed' and it makes it bearable. It's just a state of being and like all states of being it's impermanent. Motivation to be more productive will come back when it will. It always does. As long as you're gentle with yourself, depression is not a problem, imo. It becomes a problem when there are negative feedback loops added to it that make you say to yourself that you shouldn't be depressed, that you're this and that, and you're guilty about the way you feel, and that makes you sink lower and lower into it. It's okay to be sad about not belonging anywhere. Not having found your place. You're not alone. All you have to do is accept it and remain open.

For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. (Mencken) 

drone666   Brasil. Nov 27 2018 05:13. Posts 1674

I think first you need to realize that your life isnt important, so you get to the conclusion that if you are suffering more than having moments of joy, you will kill yourself, and if thats the case, do it man, why not ?, life is not important anyway and suicide is 0 ev
but when I reached this conclusion, it made me realize that I shouldnt be so worried about being happy/successful and giving all this importance about things I used to value, I accepted better being sad and miserable sometimes, I realized that life is just like a game

so now playing the game I like to pretend life has a meaning ( because I think this might be the GTO approach right now ), I go to gym and eat healthy because I want to be jacked and get hotter girls, I study a fuckton of poker because I pretend I really want to be good like sauce123

but in reality I know this is all bullshit, I could convert myself to islam and be way happier than I am right now, so what it's just a bunch of lies ? we are just limited animals that have to live with our limitations and play by the rules that are given to us
and I know that if I start dating supermodels or beat sauce I will probably feel empty and think "hmm, this is not what I was expecting" but knowing that I understand that the important thing is to try enjoy the process of getting there, the only thing that happens is the present moment

for your specific case, I think you should take more risks, go to Chiang Mai and become a monk, maybe take a high dose of psychedelics in the jungle, get out of your comfort zone and stop being so cautious giving so much importance to everything and soon you will be doing whatever the fuck you want and living the life instead of hiding under your table reading dhammas and crying on lp, and if after you tried all this things you still think life isnt worth of living, just kill yourself, no big problem
how important is the life of the mosquito that I just killed ? why would my life or your life be more or less important than his ?


Baalim   Mexico. Nov 27 2018 07:47. Posts 32720

why are you so fixated in finding the divine? make stupid questions and you will get stupid answers, get the hell away from AA, it is absolute trash.


I say that not because you meditate or try to cultivate yourself obviously, I say that because you seem to be seeking some ultimate truth, a true prophet that will make sense of everything and that is a quest for fools, what you have to learn to do is to embrace the senselessness

Ex-PokerStars Team Pro OnlineLast edit: 27/11/2018 08:57

SleepyHead   . Nov 27 2018 09:32. Posts 873

Life is super short dude. Stop worrying about stupid shit and enjoy your life

Dude you some social darwinist ideas that they are giving hitlers ghost a boner - Baal 

VanDerMeyde   Norway. Nov 27 2018 10:19. Posts 4931

Liquidpoker is probably not the right place to go for advice

This helped me out of a similar spot thou:
- 8 hours of work (go get a job)
- 8 hours of sleep
- 8 hours of grinding up a poker account / eat healthy / work out

Dont waste time

:DLast edit: 27/11/2018 10:58

longple    Sweden. Nov 27 2018 11:08. Posts 4463

I don't see anyone asking for advice and I don't see anyone really doing anything but sharing quite an awesome mix of replys, impressed might not be the right word or the reaction I find but, surprised! My reaction leads me to chip in and say that I get a sense of that lp might just be the absolute right place to express and read and post replys!


LemOn[5thF]   Czech Republic. Nov 27 2018 14:13. Posts 14732

Yeah fuck yeah
we the best
Agreed with a routine
I'm much happier since I quit both playing poker and doing all else aimlessly all day long as "much as I could" without ever switching off, or properly on for that matter
And got a stable job with set working hours instead

93% Sure! Last edit: 27/11/2018 14:14

LemOn[5thF]   Czech Republic. Nov 27 2018 14:18. Posts 14732

Also have to believe in exactly fuckall to meditate and be more mindful, you can be an evil person also!
Saitama Buddha was just some Bro that others copied, what's there not to believe in you're not trying to find some fat nigga through meditation in your head, this ain't christianity with their Jesus crap.
All you have to do is do it and then apply it to every day situations and you'll enjoy life and find answers much easier for yourself
Instead of this self pity shit self important shit :D

Unless of course you have actual clinical depression/mental illness etc. then enroll yourself in an institution not just a random therapist that doesn't have time for you
One of the great Czech grinders Horveech took his life recently because he trying to deal with mental illness himself without even telling people around him

93% Sure! Last edit: 27/11/2018 14:18

Mortensen8   Chad. Nov 27 2018 16:23. Posts 1761

There's so much more to life you can go really deep but there are many ideologies etc. that suck you into them and shape your mind stay out of it all and watch the world burn don't buy into any of it because they will all just be used as useful idiots in the end (ordo ab chao). You can already see the division is getting more intense every year. But this is the time rise above it all and create good with stuff like permaculture. Basically all the darkness you see in the world is an opportunity without opposition we would have no way to grow. I have no idea how anyone can think existence to be mundane you literally have infinite knowledge right in front of you on the computer you are probably just trapped in a matrix thought control and never find something interesting.
Also you are probably vitamin D deficient get more sunlight, fish, eggs and dairy. Get away from wifi and other types of radiation as much as you can.

Rear naked woke 

RiKD    United States. Nov 27 2018 17:07. Posts 5438


  On November 26 2018 21:35 hiems wrote:
Become the 3-eyed raven.



I'm not sure what that means exactly.


RiKD    United States. Nov 27 2018 17:21. Posts 5438


  On November 27 2018 01:47 Loco wrote:
I'm depressed too but I feel like it's not a problem I need to try to fix. I'm not trying to help myself, not trying to become 'undepressed' and it makes it bearable. It's just a state of being and like all states of being it's impermanent. Motivation to be more productive will come back when it will. It always does. As long as you're gentle with yourself, depression is not a problem, imo. It becomes a problem when there are negative feedback loops added to it that make you say to yourself that you shouldn't be depressed, that you're this and that, and you're guilty about the way you feel, and that makes you sink lower and lower into it. It's okay to be sad about not belonging anywhere. Not having found your place. You're not alone. All you have to do is accept it and remain open.



I guess I have been brainwashed by outpatient information. They taught us ways to tweak the depression. If I can get out of the house and go for a walk or spend some time with people it will modify the depression. What about the book "Lost Connections"?

I belonged in Pittsburgh but I still think it's fair to say I have not found my place. I haven't really accepted this fact.


RiKD    United States. Nov 27 2018 17:40. Posts 5438


  On November 27 2018 04:13 drone666 wrote:
I think first you need to realize that your life isnt important, so you get to the conclusion that if you are suffering more than having moments of joy, you will kill yourself, and if thats the case, do it man, why not ?, life is not important anyway and suicide is 0 ev
but when I reached this conclusion, it made me realize that I shouldnt be so worried about being happy/successful and giving all this importance about things I used to value, I accepted better being sad and miserable sometimes, I realized that life is just like a game



Most likely everyone is suffering more than having moments of joy and the moments of suffering are stronger and longer lasting than the moments of joy. We should all kill ourselves?


  so now playing the game I like to pretend life has a meaning ( because I think this might be the GTO approach right now ), I go to gym and eat healthy because I want to be jacked and get hotter girls, I study a fuckton of poker because I pretend I really want to be good like sauce123

but in reality I know this is all bullshit, I could convert myself to islam and be way happier than I am right now, so what it's just a bunch of lies ? we are just limited animals that have to live with our limitations and play by the rules that are given to us
and I know that if I start dating supermodels or beat sauce I will probably feel empty and think "hmm, this is not what I was expecting" but knowing that I understand that the important thing is to try enjoy the process of getting there, the only thing that happens is the present moment

for your specific case, I think you should take more risks, go to Chiang Mai and become a monk, maybe take a high dose of psychedelics in the jungle, get out of your comfort zone and stop being so cautious giving so much importance to everything and soon you will be doing whatever the fuck you want and living the life instead of hiding under your table reading dhammas and crying on lp, and if after you tried all this things you still think life isnt worth of living, just kill yourself, no big problem
how important is the life of the mosquito that I just killed ? why would my life or your life be more or less important than his ?



I can't become a monk.

I don't do drugs. Although doing some shrooms and taking a hike in the forest has been crossing my mind.

I have had a life of doing "whatever the fuck I want" and "living the life" and it ended up being not all that satisfying.


RiKD    United States. Nov 27 2018 17:46. Posts 5438


  On November 27 2018 06:47 Baalim wrote:
why are you so fixated in finding the divine? make stupid questions and you will get stupid answers, get the hell away from AA, it is absolute trash.


I say that not because you meditate or try to cultivate yourself obviously, I say that because you seem to be seeking some ultimate truth, a true prophet that will make sense of everything and that is a quest for fools, what you have to learn to do is to embrace the senselessness



I don't know if I am so fixated on the divine. I used to be due to AA brainwashing. AA is the only place I feel that I belong in some way.

I think I do better when I follow the Buddha's teachings. I am kind of lost in this regard though and feel the lostness more in depth and lucid just in my place in the world.


RiKD    United States. Nov 27 2018 17:51. Posts 5438


  On November 27 2018 08:32 SleepyHead wrote:
Life is super short dude. Stop worrying about stupid shit and enjoy your life



I don't know if you understand depression. I was having difficulty getting out of bed. When I wrote OP I literally felt like I could not do anything besides sleep. I think I slept 15 hours yesterday? I got to the bank before it closed, went to the beach and decided it was too cold to go for a walk, and then came home and actually got the bills done. That felt like a major win and picked up some momentum to do some dishes and make a dish my Thai Aunt was telling me about.

How do I enjoy my life?


RiKD    United States. Nov 27 2018 17:54. Posts 5438


  On November 27 2018 09:19 VanDerMeyde wrote:
Liquidpoker is probably not the right place to go for advice

This helped me out of a similar spot thou:
- 8 hours of work (go get a job)
- 8 hours of sleep
- 8 hours of grinding up a poker account / eat healthy / work out

Dont waste time



I do have a job. I feel like it does help. It gets me out of the house and forces me to be active and interact with people.

I do eat healthy. I don't work out. I feel like meditation is a substitute for working out although I am currently not meditating.


RiKD    United States. Nov 27 2018 17:56. Posts 5438


  On November 27 2018 15:23 Mortensen8 wrote:
There's so much more to life you can go really deep but there are many ideologies etc. that suck you into them and shape your mind stay out of it all and watch the world burn don't buy into any of it because they will all just be used as useful idiots in the end (ordo ab chao). You can already see the division is getting more intense every year. But this is the time rise above it all and create good with stuff like permaculture. Basically all the darkness you see in the world is an opportunity without opposition we would have no way to grow. I have no idea how anyone can think existence to be mundane you literally have infinite knowledge right in front of you on the computer you are probably just trapped in a matrix thought control and never find something interesting.
Also you are probably vitamin D deficient get more sunlight, fish, eggs and dairy. Get away from wifi and other types of radiation as much as you can.



I just got my vitamin D levels checked recently and they were good.


napalm   Poland. Nov 27 2018 19:25. Posts 166

Hi hello, I feel awesome since some time and I was in deep depression wanting to kill myself 5-10 years ago and I can say I understand this whole thing because I probably sat for one million hours just observing, feeling it all.

You see, using you as example, you sometimes say "oh I understand it now and I feel great, this works wow!" and sometimes you're like this "I am lost in the world" "I am depressed", swings in the way you feel dictate your experience, underneath it all is awareness(which btw is your real nature but fuck it for now) and on this awareness everything else appears(including you feeling shit and you feeling good), leaving awareness untouched in its pristine condition.(even during depression but you can't perceive it yet because right now you mainly take yourself to be limited to body and mind->your thoughts)

Okay so you think shut the fuck up with this nonsense and tell me how the fuck do I actually feel better. Right away sir.

So you're probably addicted as fuck(as I was) and you have deeply ingrained habitual pattern of relief through objects/substances/thoughts whatever is your thing, and this triggers whenever some negative emotions/thoughts try to bubble up to the surface.(no bs watch triggers on your addictive behaviors, you shall see)
You will need courage and curiosity to not do what the mind tells you to do(jackoff to jenna haze or animal porn) when these things want to be felt, understood and accepted. This is what I did, when frustation, anger, anxiety, depression and million other things came up I would sit and observe, it is very important to watch with detachment, acceptance, without agenda, not trying to change anything, just sit in silence as the observer and watch everything unfold, and if you will create safe non judgemental space, not ressisting whatever is coming up then a lot of things will be felt, anger, hate, sadness, you might cry, you might want to kill everyone, these emotions need to be met and felt, but if you dont attend to that which wants to be released and distract yourself with all sorts of things, then it cant and that's why it feels like you're swimming in pool of shit(with bags of shit attached so you cant get out).

Happiness you seek is not outside of yourself in any object but within. (under this pile of shit that you have ignored for too long)
Also I want to really point out that these layers only appear as negative and bad, but in reality if you see them through to the end you will know they're amazing, so watch with compassion and love.(not as pile of shit to be rid of as I reffered to them)

Hope this makes some sense, good luck!

Btw if you cant catch yourself yet when the trigger is happening then do the same for the shame you feel afterwards, or basically just do it anytime because I promise you, there is allways something to be felt if depression is your baseline state.

and for fuck sakes watch Game of Thrones you noob :D


 Last edit: 27/11/2018 19:38

drone666   Brasil. Nov 27 2018 19:56. Posts 1674


  On November 27 2018 16:40 RiKD wrote:
Show nested quote +



Most likely everyone is suffering more than having moments of joy and the moments of suffering are stronger and longer lasting than the moments of joy. We should all kill ourselves?


the obvious rational answer is yes
if you think your life is not worth living, then why are you living ? probably because its our nature to try to survive no matter what happens, but once you think logically about it, there's no point in going on living a miserable life

 Last edit: 27/11/2018 19:58

 
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