A bit depressed

Become the 3-eyed raven.

...Im depressed too. My current plan is to keep working a few years where im at then transfer to Las Vegas at my company.

I'm depressed too but I feel like it's not a problem I need to try to fix. I'm not trying to help myself, not trying to become 'undepressed' and it makes it bearable. It's just a state of being and like all states of being it's impermanent. Motivation to be more productive will come back when it will. It always does. As long as you're gentle with yourself, depression is not a problem, imo. It becomes a problem when there are negative feedback loops added to it that make you say to yourself that you shouldn't be depressed, that you're this and that, and you're guilty about the way you feel, and that makes you sink lower and lower into it. It's okay to be sad about not belonging anywhere. Not having found your place. You're not alone. All you have to do is accept it and remain open.

I think first you need to realize that your life isnt important, so you get to the conclusion that if you are suffering more than having moments of joy, you will kill yourself, and if thats the case, do it man, why not ?, life is not important anyway and suicide is 0 ev
but when I reached this conclusion, it made me realize that I shouldnt be so worried about being happy/successful and giving all this importance about things I used to value, I accepted better being sad and miserable sometimes, I realized that life is just like a game

so now playing the game I like to pretend life has a meaning ( because I think this might be the GTO approach right now ), I go to gym and eat healthy because I want to be jacked and get hotter girls, I study a fuckton of poker because I pretend I really want to be good like sauce123

but in reality I know this is all bullshit, I could convert myself to islam and be way happier than I am right now, so what it's just a bunch of lies ? we are just limited animals that have to live with our limitations and play by the rules that are given to us
and I know that if I start dating supermodels or beat sauce I will probably feel empty and think "hmm, this is not what I was expecting" but knowing that I understand that the important thing is to try enjoy the process of getting there, the only thing that happens is the present moment

for your specific case, I think you should take more risks, go to Chiang Mai and become a monk, maybe take a high dose of psychedelics in the jungle, get out of your comfort zone and stop being so cautious giving so much importance to everything and soon you will be doing whatever the fuck you want and living the life instead of hiding under your table reading dhammas and crying on lp, and if after you tried all this things you still think life isnt worth of living, just kill yourself, no big problem
how important is the life of the mosquito that I just killed ? why would my life or your life be more or less important than his ?

why are you so fixated in finding the divine? make stupid questions and you will get stupid answers, get the hell away from AA, it is absolute trash.


I say that not because you meditate or try to cultivate yourself obviously, I say that because you seem to be seeking some ultimate truth, a true prophet that will make sense of everything and that is a quest for fools, what you have to learn to do is to embrace the senselessness

Life is super short dude. Stop worrying about stupid shit and enjoy your life

Liquidpoker is probably not the right place to go for advice

This helped me out of a similar spot thou:
- 8 hours of work (go get a job)
- 8 hours of sleep
- 8 hours of grinding up a poker account / eat healthy / work out

Dont waste time

I don't see anyone asking for advice and I don't see anyone really doing anything but sharing quite an awesome mix of replys, impressed might not be the right word or the reaction I find but, surprised! My reaction leads me to chip in and say that I get a sense of that lp might just be the absolute right place to express and read and post replys!

Yeah fuck yeah
we the best
Agreed with a routine
I'm much happier since I quit both playing poker and doing all else aimlessly all day long as "much as I could" without ever switching off, or properly on for that matter
And got a stable job with set working hours instead

Also have to believe in exactly fuckall to meditate and be more mindful, you can be an evil person also!
Saitama Buddha was just some Bro that others copied, what's there not to believe in you're not trying to find some fat nigga through meditation in your head, this ain't christianity with their Jesus crap.
All you have to do is do it and then apply it to every day situations and you'll enjoy life and find answers much easier for yourself
Instead of this self pity shit self important shit :D

Unless of course you have actual clinical depression/mental illness etc. then enroll yourself in an institution not just a random therapist that doesn't have time for you
One of the great Czech grinders Horveech took his life recently because he trying to deal with mental illness himself without even telling people around him

There's so much more to life you can go really deep but there are many ideologies etc. that suck you into them and shape your mind stay out of it all and watch the world burn don't buy into any of it because they will all just be used as useful idiots in the end (ordo ab chao). You can already see the division is getting more intense every year. But this is the time rise above it all and create good with stuff like permaculture. Basically all the darkness you see in the world is an opportunity without opposition we would have no way to grow. I have no idea how anyone can think existence to be mundane you literally have infinite knowledge right in front of you on the computer you are probably just trapped in a matrix thought control and never find something interesting.
Also you are probably vitamin D deficient get more sunlight, fish, eggs and dairy. Get away from wifi and other types of radiation as much as you can.

On November 26 2018 21:35 hiems wrote: Become the 3-eyed raven.

I'm not sure what that means exactly.

On November 27 2018 01:47 Loco wrote: I'm depressed too but I feel like it's not a problem I need to try to fix. I'm not trying to help myself, not trying to become 'undepressed' and it makes it bearable. It's just a state of being and like all states of being it's impermanent. Motivation to be more productive will come back when it will. It always does. As long as you're gentle with yourself, depression is not a problem, imo. It becomes a problem when there are negative feedback loops added to it that make you say to yourself that you shouldn't be depressed, that you're this and that, and you're guilty about the way you feel, and that makes you sink lower and lower into it. It's okay to be sad about not belonging anywhere. Not having found your place. You're not alone. All you have to do is accept it and remain open.

I guess I have been brainwashed by outpatient information. They taught us ways to tweak the depression. If I can get out of the house and go for a walk or spend some time with people it will modify the depression. What about the book "Lost Connections"?

I belonged in Pittsburgh but I still think it's fair to say I have not found my place. I haven't really accepted this fact.

On November 27 2018 04:13 drone666 wrote: I think first you need to realize that your life isnt important, so you get to the conclusion that if you are suffering more than having moments of joy, you will kill yourself, and if thats the case, do it man, why not ?, life is not important anyway and suicide is 0 ev but when I reached this conclusion, it made me realize that I shouldnt be so worried about being happy/successful and giving all this importance about things I used to value, I accepted better being sad and miserable sometimes, I realized that life is just like a game

Most likely everyone is suffering more than having moments of joy and the moments of suffering are stronger and longer lasting than the moments of joy. We should all kill ourselves?

so now playing the game I like to pretend life has a meaning ( because I think this might be the GTO approach right now ), I go to gym and eat healthy because I want to be jacked and get hotter girls, I study a fuckton of poker because I pretend I really want to be good like sauce123 but in reality I know this is all bullshit, I could convert myself to islam and be way happier than I am right now, so what it's just a bunch of lies ? we are just limited animals that have to live with our limitations and play by the rules that are given to us and I know that if I start dating supermodels or beat sauce I will probably feel empty and think "hmm, this is not what I was expecting" but knowing that I understand that the important thing is to try enjoy the process of getting there, the only thing that happens is the present moment for your specific case, I think you should take more risks, go to Chiang Mai and become a monk, maybe take a high dose of psychedelics in the jungle, get out of your comfort zone and stop being so cautious giving so much importance to everything and soon you will be doing whatever the fuck you want and living the life instead of hiding under your table reading dhammas and crying on lp, and if after you tried all this things you still think life isnt worth of living, just kill yourself, no big problem how important is the life of the mosquito that I just killed ? why would my life or your life be more or less important than his ?

I can't become a monk.

I don't do drugs. Although doing some shrooms and taking a hike in the forest has been crossing my mind.

I have had a life of doing "whatever the fuck I want" and "living the life" and it ended up being not all that satisfying.

On November 27 2018 06:47 Baalim wrote: why are you so fixated in finding the divine? make stupid questions and you will get stupid answers, get the hell away from AA, it is absolute trash. I say that not because you meditate or try to cultivate yourself obviously, I say that because you seem to be seeking some ultimate truth, a true prophet that will make sense of everything and that is a quest for fools, what you have to learn to do is to embrace the senselessness

I don't know if I am so fixated on the divine. I used to be due to AA brainwashing. AA is the only place I feel that I belong in some way.

I think I do better when I follow the Buddha's teachings. I am kind of lost in this regard though and feel the lostness more in depth and lucid just in my place in the world.

On November 27 2018 08:32 SleepyHead wrote: Life is super short dude. Stop worrying about stupid shit and enjoy your life

I don't know if you understand depression. I was having difficulty getting out of bed. When I wrote OP I literally felt like I could not do anything besides sleep. I think I slept 15 hours yesterday? I got to the bank before it closed, went to the beach and decided it was too cold to go for a walk, and then came home and actually got the bills done. That felt like a major win and picked up some momentum to do some dishes and make a dish my Thai Aunt was telling me about.

How do I enjoy my life?

On November 27 2018 09:19 VanDerMeyde wrote: Liquidpoker is probably not the right place to go for advice This helped me out of a similar spot thou: - 8 hours of work (go get a job) - 8 hours of sleep - 8 hours of grinding up a poker account / eat healthy / work out Dont waste time

I do have a job. I feel like it does help. It gets me out of the house and forces me to be active and interact with people.

I do eat healthy. I don't work out. I feel like meditation is a substitute for working out although I am currently not meditating.

On November 27 2018 15:23 Mortensen8 wrote: There's so much more to life you can go really deep but there are many ideologies etc. that suck you into them and shape your mind stay out of it all and watch the world burn don't buy into any of it because they will all just be used as useful idiots in the end (ordo ab chao). You can already see the division is getting more intense every year. But this is the time rise above it all and create good with stuff like permaculture. Basically all the darkness you see in the world is an opportunity without opposition we would have no way to grow. I have no idea how anyone can think existence to be mundane you literally have infinite knowledge right in front of you on the computer you are probably just trapped in a matrix thought control and never find something interesting. Also you are probably vitamin D deficient get more sunlight, fish, eggs and dairy. Get away from wifi and other types of radiation as much as you can.

I just got my vitamin D levels checked recently and they were good.

Hi hello, I feel awesome since some time and I was in deep depression wanting to kill myself 5-10 years ago and I can say I understand this whole thing because I probably sat for one million hours just observing, feeling it all.

You see, using you as example, you sometimes say "oh I understand it now and I feel great, this works wow!" and sometimes you're like this "I am lost in the world" "I am depressed", swings in the way you feel dictate your experience, underneath it all is awareness(which btw is your real nature but fuck it for now) and on this awareness everything else appears(including you feeling shit and you feeling good), leaving awareness untouched in its pristine condition.(even during depression but you can't perceive it yet because right now you mainly take yourself to be limited to body and mind->your thoughts)

Okay so you think shut the fuck up with this nonsense and tell me how the fuck do I actually feel better. Right away sir.

So you're probably addicted as fuck(as I was) and you have deeply ingrained habitual pattern of relief through objects/substances/thoughts whatever is your thing, and this triggers whenever some negative emotions/thoughts try to bubble up to the surface.(no bs watch triggers on your addictive behaviors, you shall see)
You will need courage and curiosity to not do what the mind tells you to do(jackoff to jenna haze or animal porn) when these things want to be felt, understood and accepted. This is what I did, when frustation, anger, anxiety, depression and million other things came up I would sit and observe, it is very important to watch with detachment, acceptance, without agenda, not trying to change anything, just sit in silence as the observer and watch everything unfold, and if you will create safe non judgemental space, not ressisting whatever is coming up then a lot of things will be felt, anger, hate, sadness, you might cry, you might want to kill everyone, these emotions need to be met and felt, but if you dont attend to that which wants to be released and distract yourself with all sorts of things, then it cant and that's why it feels like you're swimming in pool of shit(with bags of shit attached so you cant get out).

Happiness you seek is not outside of yourself in any object but within. (under this pile of shit that you have ignored for too long)
Also I want to really point out that these layers only appear as negative and bad, but in reality if you see them through to the end you will know they're amazing, so watch with compassion and love.(not as pile of shit to be rid of as I reffered to them)

Hope this makes some sense, good luck!

Btw if you cant catch yourself yet when the trigger is happening then do the same for the shame you feel afterwards, or basically just do it anytime because I promise you, there is allways something to be felt if depression is your baseline state.

and for fuck sakes watch Game of Thrones you noob :D

On November 27 2018 16:40 RiKD wrote: Show nested quote + On November 27 2018 04:13 drone666 wrote: I think first you need to realize that your life isnt important, so you get to the conclusion that if you are suffering more than having moments of joy, you will kill yourself, and if thats the case, do it man, why not ?, life is not important anyway and suicide is 0 ev but when I reached this conclusion, it made me realize that I shouldnt be so worried about being happy/successful and giving all this importance about things I used to value, I accepted better being sad and miserable sometimes, I realized that life is just like a game Most likely everyone is suffering more than having moments of joy and the moments of suffering are stronger and longer lasting than the moments of joy. We should all kill ourselves?

the obvious rational answer is yes
if you think your life is not worth living, then why are you living ? probably because its our nature to try to survive no matter what happens, but once you think logically about it, there's no point in going on living a miserable life

On November 27 2018 16:54 RiKD wrote: Show nested quote + On November 27 2018 09:19 VanDerMeyde wrote: Liquidpoker is probably not the right place to go for advice This helped me out of a similar spot thou: - 8 hours of work (go get a job) - 8 hours of sleep - 8 hours of grinding up a poker account / eat healthy / work out Dont waste time I do have a job. I feel like it does help. It gets me out of the house and forces me to be active and interact with people. I do eat healthy. I don't work out. I feel like meditation is a substitute for working out although I am currently not meditating.

ok thats great man

yes its a game of throne reference ive been watching it alot lately.

some stuff i observed about you is that you have to go all in on everything you do where most people would just push some sort of obvious abort button or just be able to have moderation and balance in their life.

i also think that you need to understand that life is not some game of daisies and unicorns. if you make mistakes you dont get to just reenter coins and music starts up and lights flash and you play again.

life is more like game of thrones. if you make mistakes like robb stark you end up having your pregnant wife, mom, pet wolf and all your bannerman brutually murdered and ur head stuck on pike.

losing ur bankroll those years ago was a mistake. quitting poker and doing nothing was probably a mistake. getting fired from your job was a mistake. drinking too much was a mistake. getting checked in to mental institution and being branded as having disorders was a huge mistake. spending all your money travelling after getting fired with no plan was probably a mistake.i also think it was a mistake sabotaging that interview you had at that nice restaurant saying you didnt want to work many hours. i realize food industry is brutal and not for everybody but i felt like what the hell is he doing?

ive made plenty of mistakes in my life. ive found that if you keep making mistakes it starts piling up and you need to dig yourself out of bigger holes that are harder and harder to get out of. try your best to make good decisions.

Hey man,

Do you remember me? I used to hang out here a lot.

First of all, I wanna start by saying that this is a message for you only. Other users will judge what I'm about to say, maybe even you, but this is the message I'm here to deliver to you.

I recently completely opened my 3rd eye (or so I think) and became able to get in contact with my spiritual guides at will. It's has been the greatest blessing of my life. Just now I had the intuition to access liquid poker, then I just felt like your blog was the first thing I should click on, I started reading your post and then my spiritual guide manifested right in front of me, knocked his head, and then disappeared. This is how he tells me I need to act.

So I'm here to help you. Listen. Life is not meaningless and you are not to waste it. You were given a chance to be here, and this is a truly blessing. You remembered to meditate but you forgot to be thankful. You are seeking fullfilment outside of yourself, but you know that's not where it is. There is no 'living the life'. You already are everything you need to be, you just need to realize it. You are in the right path. Go back to your meditation, go back to the reading, move your body daily, make it clear to the universe your intention. The universe is calling you. You are blessed.

Namastê :-)

wow tutz_x in da house!

"for in this world everything is pardoned in advance and therefore everything cynically permitted.” - a quote by Kundera

Life is meaningless, and that's probably the most liberating thing you could hear. That thought used to scare me and push me into depression, however, it wasn't because of the thought alone but because of my attitude. I feel like the right attitude is everything that matters to life, it's the very core towards anything

Tutz wait what, weren't you a model in Brasil living the dream? How did you end up into Buddhism

On November 27 2018 22:21 Spitfiree wrote: "for in this world everything is pardoned in advance and therefore everything cynically permitted.” - a quote by Kundera Life is meaningless, and that's probably the most liberating thing you could hear. That thought used to scare me and push me into depression, however, it wasn't because of the thought alone but because of my attitude. I feel like the right attitude is everything that matters to life, it's the very core towards anything Tutz wait what, weren't you a model in Brasil living the dream? How did you end up into Buddhism

Hello friend. No I'm not Buddhist, because I don't care for titles. Buddha spoke a universal truth just as many others before and after him. I just recognize the truth in his teachings. I could write a long text about how my spiritual awakening has happened, but I feel like the topic of this blog should not be about me, but about our friend here that is going through a difficult time, so let's honor him.

I would gladly explain everything you want to know about my life through private messages, or in another topic.

Namastê my friend

On November 27 2018 16:56 RiKD wrote: Show nested quote + On November 27 2018 15:23 Mortensen8 wrote: There's so much more to life you can go really deep but there are many ideologies etc. that suck you into them and shape your mind stay out of it all and watch the world burn don't buy into any of it because they will all just be used as useful idiots in the end (ordo ab chao). You can already see the division is getting more intense every year. But this is the time rise above it all and create good with stuff like permaculture. Basically all the darkness you see in the world is an opportunity without opposition we would have no way to grow. I have no idea how anyone can think existence to be mundane you literally have infinite knowledge right in front of you on the computer you are probably just trapped in a matrix thought control and never find something interesting. Also you are probably vitamin D deficient get more sunlight, fish, eggs and dairy. Get away from wifi and other types of radiation as much as you can. I just got my vitamin D levels checked recently and they were good.

Maybe hypothyroid judging by how much you sleep again cod might help because of iodine.

Holy shit, I thought this would be a dead blog but it blew up since I last posted. Even brought back a ghost from the dead (and that ghost apparently sees ghosts now :D). I agree with Erling, this is not the place to look for advice, not that it appears that you were looking for some, but I'm pretty sure virtually all of this advice here is worthless to you. No offense to anyone who posted, I'm not saying the advice here is necessarily worthless (though some of it is really shit), it's mostly just that you people don't know him, don't understand that this is a spiritual malaise, and that your conventional wisdom doesn't apply to changing it.

On the other hand, I know why you were suddenly hit with depression, because of the part that I played in influencing your decisions to get into Buddhism, and to follow the same teacher that I was following; and from the information you've just now released, it wasn't just 'a bit' of depression either, so you were downplaying that by saying it was... and to what end? Not appear 'too' weak on some poker forum? Come on. This is why I've always encouraged you to leave this site and write in a diary -- there is no way you would be this dishonest with yourself when it's just you and a piece of paper (or screen), is there?

So, you got tunnel vision for a while. It was all about this. And this didn't pan out. You should be used to this by now, but I know it doesn't make it any easier, because every time it must feel like 'this is it'. People get discouraged all the time when they're on the spiritual path. Depression is not an anomaly, it is the norm. Just when I finished my vipasanna retreat I read on /r/Buddhism that someone was experiencing the same thing, discouragement and separation with their teacher/sangha. It's part of the process. Better to be depressed and that depression leading you to search elsewhere than self-deception. It's those who don't get depressed who really need the most help. They are satisfied in a society in which a lucid person cannot be satisfied. Baal's idea of a purely liberating nihilism hides a poverty of spirit, but he's right that you'd be better off in his shoes than in your AA-brainwashed ones.

Your depression, as I understand it because we are going through one based on the same disappointment, occurred simply because you suddenly became aware that the ground you were standing on wasn't solid, and this has made you lose not only your footing, but your direction. (And the reason this direction matters so much isn't purely because of AA or a quest for the divine, it is because of the economic reality -- the prison-- we live in.) So instead of having a distraction or a psychotic break to escape this prison, you had this healthy sublimation, this attachment to these teachings; you had this map in your head, you were attached to its potential to free you from suffering, to give you what you needed the most (meaning, purpose, community) and when you realized it was unstable, instead of embracing the unstability and seeing it for the value that it has, you became directionless, with seemingly no where to turn for comfort. For me, it has been a learning experience. I was very invested in these teachings but still, I didn't have tunnel vision like you did, because I am a syncretist, and I never renounced that part of me, nor will I ever. I had some place to turn to, i.e. the knowledge and wisdom I've accumulated and attempted to synthesize, and that synthesis relies on fields of study I'm still very interested in.

Maybe that's my main issue with Theravada Buddhism. The idea that when you take refuge, you should only take the Buddha as your teacher and not go to anyone else. It's so rigid, and incredibly silly in my mind, because even the Buddha said that he didn't teach everything that he knows, he taught a fraction of it. So why should I limit myself to that limited knowledge from one human being? Of course, their answer is because only Nibbana matters, and this is the direct path to it. Well, I was never convinced of this, and I don't think it can help. The world is too complex now.

It's a cliché to some degree, but it's true that everything that happens to us can and should be seen as a teacher. This is what all Buddhists teach, in accordance with all other spiritual paths: if you remain open, everything is an opportunity to learn more about yourself, and that is the ultimate goal, as Socrates knew, to know yourself. Depression is just another flavor to explore, or really another form of nourishment, it's certainly not something to banish. I've swam in those waters for years and I've never regretted it. There are insights that the sick and the depressed get that the rest of people never get, this was Pascal's enlightening remark that changed Cioran's life forever.

Even if there are things you can do to feel better, because depression is multifactorial, that doesn't mean you should do them, and certainly doesn't mean you should expect to feel better as you are doing them. Just do them if you have the motivation to do them and you feel there are no insights you can get from the depression, and don't expect change, change happens all the time regardless of what the little voice in your head says. Change is the only certainty, the only constant, as Heraclitus remarked. Seeing change happen without trying to control it, working on finding that balance, that's a noble goal, and it can be done in every state of being. You don't have to first 'undepress' and 'optimize'. That's for the dullards.

https://youtu.be/6c9Uu5eILZ8

cliffnotes so far:

Rik: I'm depressed
Hiems: Become the 3 eyed raven
Loco: Im a 6th dan depression black belt
Drone6: kill yourself
Tutz: I am the 3 eyed raven


LP.net is awesome lol

On November 27 2018 18:56 drone666 wrote: Show nested quote + On November 27 2018 16:40 RiKD wrote:   On November 27 2018 04:13 drone666 wrote: I think first you need to realize that your life isnt important, so you get to the conclusion that if you are suffering more than having moments of joy, you will kill yourself, and if thats the case, do it man, why not ?, life is not important anyway and suicide is 0 ev but when I reached this conclusion, it made me realize that I shouldnt be so worried about being happy/successful and giving all this importance about things I used to value, I accepted better being sad and miserable sometimes, I realized that life is just like a game Most likely everyone is suffering more than having moments of joy and the moments of suffering are stronger and longer lasting than the moments of joy. We should all kill ourselves? the obvious rational answer is yes if you think your life is not worth living, then why are you living ? probably because its our nature to try to survive no matter what happens, but once you think logically about it, there's no point in going on living a miserable life

Depression is impermanent. Suicide annihilates.

On November 27 2018 20:52 hiems wrote: yes its a game of throne reference ive been watching it alot lately.

I have seen GoT all the way through twice. I know the 3-eyed raven I just didn't know the relevance. How would I become the 3-eyed raven and why would I want to be the 3-eyed raven?

some stuff i observed about you is that you have to go all in on everything you do where most people would just push some sort of obvious abort button or just be able to have moderation and balance in their life.

I don't know if this going all-in on everything is an exaggeration or true. I guess I was never really one to understand the obsession with moderation and balance. I don't really think about these things. I don't really know what to say

i also think that you need to understand that life is not some game of daisies and unicorns. if you make mistakes you dont get to just reenter coins and music starts up and lights flash and you play again. life is more like game of thrones. if you make mistakes like robb stark you end up having your pregnant wife, mom, pet wolf and all your bannerman brutually murdered and ur head stuck on pike.

Both scenarios are not very realistic.

losing ur bankroll those years ago was a mistake

yup

quitting poker and doing nothing was probably a mistake

disagree

getting fired from your job was a mistake

This one is complex but I was terribly unhappy in my place and position and had a debilitating drinking problem. I sobered up and wanted nothing to do with that corporation. There were other jobs that they offered that I didn't want. I don't think it was a mistake to get fired/leave.

drinking too much was a mistake

Yeah, being an active alcoholic is never good

getting checked in to mental institution and being branded as having disorders was a huge mistake

No

spending all your money travelling after getting fired with no plan was probably a mistake

No. I did have a plan. Don't drink or do drugs or kill myself.

i also think it was a mistake sabotaging that interview you had at that nice restaurant saying you didnt want to work many hours. i realize food industry is brutal and not for everybody but i felt like what the hell is he doing?

Negotiating. I ended up with a presumably better situation so c'est la vie.

ive made plenty of mistakes in my life. ive found that if you keep making mistakes it starts piling up and you need to dig yourself out of bigger holes that are harder and harder to get out of. try your best to make good decisions.

Except for it's difficult to look back and say with certainty what was a mistake or how big the mistake was and not all that fruitful to analyze. Unless it's like re-occuring mistakes. The one that jumps out at me here is going to 4 of my favorite places in the world over the late summer/fall of 2014. My literal plan was not to drink or do drugs or kill myself. A mistake was spending a lot of money on luxury fashion that winter.



[/QUOTE]

On November 27 2018 21:52 tutz wrote: Hey man, Do you remember me? I used to hang out here a lot. First of all, I wanna start by saying that this is a message for you only. Other users will judge what I'm about to say, maybe even you, but this is the message I'm here to deliver to you. I recently completely opened my 3rd eye (or so I think) and became able to get in contact with my spiritual guides at will. It's has been the greatest blessing of my life. Just now I had the intuition to access liquid poker, then I just felt like your blog was the first thing I should click on, I started reading your post and then my spiritual guide manifested right in front of me, knocked his head, and then disappeared. This is how he tells me I need to act. So I'm here to help you. Listen. Life is not meaningless and you are not to waste it. You were given a chance to be here, and this is a truly blessing. You remembered to meditate but you forgot to be thankful. You are seeking fullfilment outside of yourself, but you know that's not where it is. There is no 'living the life'. You already are everything you need to be, you just need to realize it. You are in the right path. Go back to your meditation, go back to the reading, move your body daily, make it clear to the universe your intention. The universe is calling you. You are blessed. Namastê :-)

Hey Tutz,

I remember you.

Thanks for the post.

I would be interested in a PM or a blog regarding your spiritual awakening.

On November 27 2018 23:45 Mortensen8 wrote: Show nested quote + On November 27 2018 16:56 RiKD wrote:   On November 27 2018 15:23 Mortensen8 wrote: There's so much more to life you can go really deep but there are many ideologies etc. that suck you into them and shape your mind stay out of it all and watch the world burn don't buy into any of it because they will all just be used as useful idiots in the end (ordo ab chao). You can already see the division is getting more intense every year. But this is the time rise above it all and create good with stuff like permaculture. Basically all the darkness you see in the world is an opportunity without opposition we would have no way to grow. I have no idea how anyone can think existence to be mundane you literally have infinite knowledge right in front of you on the computer you are probably just trapped in a matrix thought control and never find something interesting. Also you are probably vitamin D deficient get more sunlight, fish, eggs and dairy. Get away from wifi and other types of radiation as much as you can. I just got my vitamin D levels checked recently and they were good. Maybe hypothyroid judging by how much you sleep again cod might help because of iodine.

Bro, I just got a ton of stuff checked a few weeks ago and I have the bill to prove it. Both my GP and Psychiatrist said everything was "perfect." My Psychiatrist even asked me what I eat and what I do because the numbers couldn't be any better.

On November 28 2018 00:57 Loco wrote: Holy shit, I thought this would be a dead blog but it blew up since I last posted. Even brought back a ghost from the dead (and that ghost apparently sees ghosts now :D). I agree with Erling, this is not the place to look for advice, not that it appears that you were looking for some, but I'm pretty sure virtually all of this advice here is worthless to you. No offense to anyone who posted, I'm not saying the advice here is necessarily worthless (though some of it is really shit), it's mostly just that you people don't know him, [bold]don't understand that this is a spiritual malaise, and that your conventional wisdom doesn't apply to changing it.[/bold]

That is correct.

I just took a nap and then I was lying in my bed contemplative lingering. My sister made me a collage of some of Basquiat's work. I just lay there staring at it for who knows how long. I don't know why I feel this connection to Basquiat. I suppose he was a quintessentially cool character that created unique art. I suppose I would be a heroin junky if that was ever a part of my life. I was talking to a friend the other day: I wouldn't even know where to begin. I wouldn't know where to get the bags, how to get the gear. I have hung out with enough junkies to know the lingo but I was never around these guys in active addiction.

But, Basquiat "had it all." I don't know enough about Basquiat's life to know what drove him back to the drugs. Some would wager a spiritual malady. A spiritual malady that seems to plague some more than others. So, yes, this is a spiritual malaise. It doesn't feel that way writing some stuff out listening to "Bolero" by Ravel with my cat purring in my lap but it's there. Who can I trust? This is a question I have been asking myself. What should I invest in? I have become overly cynical in regards to Buddhism. I just want to sleep and read my sad novel by a sad man that abused women and then killed himself. I am surrounded by men who have killed themselves. I go to AA out of habit or compulsion. Higher Powerless. They will tell me that is my problem. I don't really tell them my problems. I just go and listen just to be around people like me. I engage in idle chatter after the meeting with the people who are killing themselves with cigarettes. I don't have a sponsor so I can't reasonably sponsor someone. My mind tells me this is the problem. I don't have a sponsor and I am not working The Steps. AA tells me that my spiritual malady can be solved with a sponsor and The 12 Steps. I am not so sure. I just need some form of Buddhism to work out and find the right teacher ya know?

You know, when I lived on the small island of Gozo in the Mediterranean full of farmers and 1 stop light we met some anarchist locals. They owned their own boats and even their own island. Flying around on those speed boats on the open seas getting fucked up. Having private parties on the island they owned and parties everywhere it felt like that was it. Going out to fine dining, drinking an absurdity of fine wine, and deciding to go see the DJ in town, strip clubs, cocaine, potential for orgies. This is all behind me though. It wasn't it. I just went back and listened to one of my favorite songs at the time that kind of spurned all those memories. I am in transition. I seem to always be in transition even though I don't realize it. It still feels like everything would be ok if I had a good Buddhist teacher. On another hand it feels like I may be past that.

On the other hand, I know why you were suddenly hit with depression, because of the part that I played in influencing your decisions to get into Buddhism, and to follow the same teacher that I was following; and from the information you've just now released, it wasn't just 'a bit' of depression either, so you were downplaying that by saying it was... and to what end? Not appear 'too' weak on some poker forum? Come on. This is why I've always encouraged you to leave this site and write in a diary -- there is no way you would be this dishonest with yourself when it's just you and a piece of paper (or screen), is there?

You can look into that if you want. I wasn't having any suicidal ideations and was delusional about the whole thing. Who wants to be depressed?

So, you got tunnel vision for a while. It was all about this. And this didn't pan out. You should be used to this by now, but I know it doesn't make it any easier, because every time it must feel like 'this is it'. People get discouraged all the time when they're on the spiritual path. Depression is not an anomaly, it is the norm. Just when I finished my vipasanna retreat I read on /r/Buddhism that someone was experiencing the same thing, discouragement and separation with their teacher/sangha. It's part of the process. Better to be depressed and that depression leading you to search elsewhere than self-deception. It's those who don't get depressed who really need the most help. They are satisfied in a society in which a lucid person cannot be satisfied. Baal's idea of a purely liberating nihilism hides a poverty of spirit, but he's right that you'd be better off in his shoes than in your AA-brainwashed ones. Your depression, as I understand it because we are going through one based on the same disappointment, occurred simply because you suddenly became aware that the ground you were standing on wasn't solid, and this has made you lose not only your footing, but your direction. (And the reason this direction matters so much isn't purely because of AA or a quest for the divine, it is because of the economic reality -- the prison-- we live in.) So instead of having a distraction or a psychotic break to escape this prison, you had this healthy sublimation, this attachment to these teachings; you had this map in your head, you were attached to its potential to free you from suffering, to give you what you needed the most (meaning, purpose, community) and when you realized it was unstable, instead of embracing the unstability and seeing it for the value that it has, you became directionless, with seemingly no where to turn for comfort. For me, it has been a learning experience. I was very invested in these teachings but still, I didn't have tunnel vision like you did, because I am a syncretist, and I never renounced that part of me, nor will I ever. I had some place to turn to, i.e. the knowledge and wisdom I've accumulated and attempted to synthesize, and that synthesis relies on fields of study I'm still very interested in. Maybe that's my main issue with Theravada Buddhism. The idea that when you take refuge, you should only take the Buddha as your teacher and not go to anyone else. It's so rigid, and incredibly silly in my mind, because even the Buddha said that he didn't teach everything that he knows, he taught a fraction of it. So why should I limit myself to that limited knowledge from one human being? Of course, their answer is because only Nibbana matters, and this is the direct path to it. Well, I was never convinced of this, and I don't think it can help. The world is too complex now.

I really don't know what to think of Nibbana at this point. I am sort of just blocking that all off.

It's a cliché to some degree, but it's true that everything that happens to us can and should be seen as a teacher. This is what all Buddhists teach, in accordance with all other spiritual paths: if you remain open, everything is an opportunity to learn more about yourself, and that is the ultimate goal, as Socrates knew, to know yourself. Depression is just another flavor to explore, or really another form of nourishment, it's certainly not something to banish. I've swam in those waters for years and I've never regretted it. There are insights that the sick and the depressed get that the rest of people never get, this was Pascal's enlightening remark that changed Cioran's life forever. Even if there are things you can do to feel better, because depression is multifactorial, that doesn't mean you should do them, and certainly doesn't mean you should expect to feel better as you are doing them. Just do them if you have the motivation to do them and you feel there are no insights you can get from the depression, and don't expect change, change happens all the time regardless of what the little voice in your head says. Change is the only certainty, the only constant, as Heraclitus remarked. Seeing change happen without trying to control it, working on finding that balance, that's a noble goal, and it can be done in every state of being. You don't have to first 'undepress' and 'optimize'. That's for the dullards.

Oh god, "optimize".... I don't know. I am sitting in the depression quite nicely today. There is a bit of optimization that comes with the territory of work but I can only really do the best I can.

On November 28 2018 04:44 AndrewSong wrote: https://youtu.be/6c9Uu5eILZ8

Oh great... The potential to go another 5 pages on Jordan Peterson...

I actually didn't think this was too bad but "accepting a gift from society." Society is part of the problem.

On November 28 2018 17:50 RiKD wrote: Show nested quote + On November 27 2018 23:45 Mortensen8 wrote:   On November 27 2018 16:56 RiKD wrote:   On November 27 2018 15:23 Mortensen8 wrote: There's so much more to life you can go really deep but there are many ideologies etc. that suck you into them and shape your mind stay out of it all and watch the world burn don't buy into any of it because they will all just be used as useful idiots in the end (ordo ab chao). You can already see the division is getting more intense every year. But this is the time rise above it all and create good with stuff like permaculture. Basically all the darkness you see in the world is an opportunity without opposition we would have no way to grow. I have no idea how anyone can think existence to be mundane you literally have infinite knowledge right in front of you on the computer you are probably just trapped in a matrix thought control and never find something interesting. Also you are probably vitamin D deficient get more sunlight, fish, eggs and dairy. Get away from wifi and other types of radiation as much as you can. I just got my vitamin D levels checked recently and they were good. Maybe hypothyroid judging by how much you sleep again cod might help because of iodine. Bro, I just got a ton of stuff checked a few weeks ago and I have the bill to prove it. Both my GP and Psychiatrist said everything was "perfect." My Psychiatrist even asked me what I eat and what I do because the numbers couldn't be any better.

How can you be depressed then I've got all these auto immune bs and I'm happy maybe try weed and cbd actually cbd might make you depressed not sure but I still take it. I am also into weird and interesting rabbit hole shit which keeps me going. If you are in perfect health why sleep 15 hours? Keep in mind that 'perfect' levels of testosterone ranges from 200 to 1200 is it possible they are comparing you to some low average. I would also like to know what you eat haha.

On November 28 2018 17:47 RiKD wrote: Show nested quote + On November 27 2018 21:52 tutz wrote: Hey man, Do you remember me? I used to hang out here a lot. First of all, I wanna start by saying that this is a message for you only. Other users will judge what I'm about to say, maybe even you, but this is the message I'm here to deliver to you. I recently completely opened my 3rd eye (or so I think) and became able to get in contact with my spiritual guides at will. It's has been the greatest blessing of my life. Just now I had the intuition to access liquid poker, then I just felt like your blog was the first thing I should click on, I started reading your post and then my spiritual guide manifested right in front of me, knocked his head, and then disappeared. This is how he tells me I need to act. So I'm here to help you. Listen. Life is not meaningless and you are not to waste it. You were given a chance to be here, and this is a truly blessing. You remembered to meditate but you forgot to be thankful. You are seeking fullfilment outside of yourself, but you know that's not where it is. There is no 'living the life'. You already are everything you need to be, you just need to realize it. You are in the right path. Go back to your meditation, go back to the reading, move your body daily, make it clear to the universe your intention. The universe is calling you. You are blessed. Namastê :-) Hey Tutz, I remember you. Thanks for the post. I would be interested in a PM or a blog regarding your spiritual awakening.

Alright I'll do a long post about it on the weekend, cause that's when I have more free time to write.
Also, if you need someone to talk to, one that understands you spiritual search, dont hesitate to hit me on whatsapp.
My number is: +5511945639495

When I say I would like to help you, I mean it. Although all the help I can offer is through words and hints

On November 28 2018 18:45 k4ir0s wrote:

a bit over the top with the delivery but that was good overall

I've always found it curious that depress people gravitate towards alcohol and other depressants and manic paranoid people gravitate towards cocain and uppers... it seems counterintuitive, instead of looking for balance we are looking to potentialize our neurosis and self destruct

On November 28 2018 17:37 RiKD wrote: Show nested quote + On November 27 2018 20:52 hiems wrote: yes its a game of throne reference ive been watching it alot lately. I have seen GoT all the way through twice. I know the 3-eyed raven I just didn't know the relevance. How would I become the 3-eyed raven and why would I want to be the 3-eyed raven?   some stuff i observed about you is that you have to go all in on everything you do where most people would just push some sort of obvious abort button or just be able to have moderation and balance in their life. I don't know if this going all-in on everything is an exaggeration or true. I guess I was never really one to understand the obsession with moderation and balance. I don't really think about these things. I don't really know what to say   i also think that you need to understand that life is not some game of daisies and unicorns. if you make mistakes you dont get to just reenter coins and music starts up and lights flash and you play again. life is more like game of thrones. if you make mistakes like robb stark you end up having your pregnant wife, mom, pet wolf and all your bannerman brutually murdered and ur head stuck on pike. Both scenarios are not very realistic.   losing ur bankroll those years ago was a mistake yup   quitting poker and doing nothing was probably a mistake disagree   getting fired from your job was a mistake This one is complex but I was terribly unhappy in my place and position and had a debilitating drinking problem. I sobered up and wanted nothing to do with that corporation. There were other jobs that they offered that I didn't want. I don't think it was a mistake to get fired/leave.   drinking too much was a mistake Yeah, being an active alcoholic is never good   getting checked in to mental institution and being branded as having disorders was a huge mistake No   spending all your money travelling after getting fired with no plan was probably a mistake No. I did have a plan. Don't drink or do drugs or kill myself.   i also think it was a mistake sabotaging that interview you had at that nice restaurant saying you didnt want to work many hours. i realize food industry is brutal and not for everybody but i felt like what the hell is he doing? Negotiating. I ended up with a presumably better situation so c'est la vie.   ive made plenty of mistakes in my life. ive found that if you keep making mistakes it starts piling up and you need to dig yourself out of bigger holes that are harder and harder to get out of. try your best to make good decisions. Except for it's difficult to look back and say with certainty what was a mistake or how big the mistake was and not all that fruitful to analyze. Unless it's like re-occuring mistakes. The one that jumps out at me here is going to 4 of my favorite places in the world over the late summer/fall of 2014. My literal plan was not to drink or do drugs or kill myself. A mistake was spending a lot of money on luxury fashion that winter.

[/QUOTE]

lol idk i just thought the idea of it was funny

actually rikd i was thinking about it and i think ur right it was a bad post. its hard for me... i need to figure out a way to suppress that side of me idk at what point ill be able to do this.

On November 28 2018 18:45 k4ir0s wrote:

Many Buddhists believe in Samsara meaning we don't die unless we reach Enlightenment. I really don't know if I believe in reincarnations but that is a terrifying thought. Reincarnation is not outside the realm of possibility. I was just trying to minimize the chances of rebirths. If I could get 7 good re-births it's better than infinite bad ones. Or, if I could just end or reduce suffering I would take that as well.

I recently invested just about everything into Buddhism and certain teachings for 4 months? Then I found out it would be wise to not continue with my teacher and there are a lot of feelings surrounding that. I haven't really been able to make sense of them all. Imagine spending most of your time... pretty much all of your time away from work on a goal... a serious goal of ceasing suffering and then find out that that is not the path. Especially someone like me who has been down so many paths. I'm just sick of it. I know it will pass but sometimes it doesn't feel that way. I learned some truths in Buddhism there is no going back from there but it feels like there is no winning with Theravada, Vajrayana, or Mahayana Buddhism. I don't know if there is winning in a USA based secular Buddhism either. I don't like the Chinese. Tibetans seem ok but so much damn ritual and magic. I really like Thai people and other Southeast Asians but there cultural Buddhism seems sketchy. At this point in time Zen Buddhism is not for me and I don't foresee it ever being for me. I just want the scriptures and a reasonable teacher. That may be asking for too much.

On November 28 2018 22:29 RiKD wrote: I recently invested just about everything into Buddhism and certain teachings for 4 months? Then I found out it would be wise to not continue with my teacher and there are a lot of feelings surrounding that. I haven't really been able to make sense of them all. Imagine spending most of your time... pretty much all of your time away from work on a goal... a serious goal of ceasing suffering and then find out that that is not the path. Especially someone like me who has been down so many paths. I'm just sick of it. I know it will pass but sometimes it doesn't feel that way. I learned some truths in Buddhism there is no going back from there but it feels like there is no winning with Theravada, Vajrayana, or Mahayana Buddhism. I don't know if there is winning in a USA based secular Buddhism either. I don't like the Chinese. Tibetans seem ok but so much damn ritual and magic. I really like Thai people and other Southeast Asians but there cultural Buddhism seems sketchy. At this point in time Zen Buddhism is not for me and I don't foresee it ever being for me. I just want the scriptures and a reasonable teacher. That may be asking for too much.

Stop looking for guidance in any of these traditions. You are not ready for those teachings yet. First you need to learn to observe your ego. Watch it as much as you can, during everyday activities. Stop reading scriptures, read Eckhart Tolle instead. Or Osho. I recommend you start with the Power of Now, learn the concept of presence. Then read Stillness Speaks, and then A New Earth. Practice presence. Learn to spot inconciousness in you and in others. Watch it, don't react. See the reaction manifest in your mind. Laugh at it.

Once you understand presence, once you know how to JUST BE, you will be ready for all the scriptures. You will see the meaning behind Buddha's words. Your meditation will improve. From this on, you will be able to chose any Buddhist tradition that fits best the way you wanna live your life. You must persist my friend

Reincarnation is real. I will write more in my blog on the weekend

Namastê

depression is not understood very well. Many cases of depression must have a lot of sociological, geographic contributing causes though, imo. I don't think charlatans like lacan or peterson are helpful. You could probably get better advice from close family members than psychologists or psychiatrists most of the time. Certainly agree with loco that LP is a terrible place for advice on these matters. Personally for me, studying and getting involved in politics cures me of depression, so does not coming to LP. It's not a model solution for anyone else. Also i think that depression can sometimes be a good thing or at least a bad side effect of a greater good.

On November 28 2018 22:09 RiKD wrote: Show nested quote + On November 28 2018 18:45 k4ir0s wrote: Many Buddhists believe in Samsara meaning we don't die unless we reach Enlightenment. I really don't know if I believe in reincarnations but that is a terrifying thought. Reincarnation is not outside the realm of possibility. I was just trying to minimize the chances of rebirths. If I could get 7 good re-births it's better than infinite bad ones. Or, if I could just end or reduce suffering I would take that as well.

Reincarnation isn't a logical position, there isn't any shred of evidence for it, it contains a lot of inconsistencies and requires a deity too, there can be no reincarnation without a conscious deity that dictaminates what is good and evil, and such deity would fail all the logical tests all the other deities fail.

You are not thinking critically, and all you will do is if you are dishonest enough with yourself is have a catharsis and live in ignorant dogmatic fake bliss like Tutz does.

Technically reincarnation is not taught in Buddhism, since there is no soul/self to be reincarnated. What is taught is transmigration: the mind is craving all the time for becoming and it's considered to persist for as long as it still wants to exist. Bodily death doesn't extinguish the craving for life because that craving is the only permanent/persistent force in the universe. It's the ocean of which we are the individual drop.

This is the same view that Schopenhauer developed, and he has a logical framework for it in his essay "On the Indestructibility of Our Essential Being by Death". Ultimately, this is metaphysics, and it only convinces those who get something out of it. In other words, it works only by 'as if' (Vahinger/Austin Spare). Blind faith in metaphysical views is obviously juvenile, but the alternative doesn't have to be rigid disbelief; Some people are convinced not of the absolute truth of some metaphysical propositions, but their 'as if', i.e. pragmatic value. Jordan peterson is one of those people. (but in my view he has picked shoddy views/is too politically motivated for his own benefit and that of a minority of people)

"All that I know is that I know nothing" said Socrates. Well, you could add to that that, short of having certainties, you know that living 'as if' something is true can have more value than not to. But of course this is very uncommon because the modern mind is addicted to control and certainty, even though the whole of science and philosophy shows that knowledge is aporetic: greater knowledge paradoxically leads to greater ignorance. But I digress...

Tutz has it all backwards. "Go for those people who are selling something, you are not ready for the real deal yet." Osho and Tolle... Those are not it.

The thing is.... Rikds path here wasn't his to begin with. It was mine. I influenced him to move away from Mahayana to Theravada, and then he picked up the New Burmese method because of me. My disappointment with my vipassana retreat became his as a result. All of this began when I was discarded by my long time partner who cheated on me. I lost my family and basically my whole life plan. I had nothing and I had never suffered this much before.

That reinvigorated my desire to possibly become a monk, since I had so few attachments left. But I found out the hard way that, while yes, Buddhist meditation helped me a lot, I cannot play the part of one who subscribes to a traditional Buddhist worldview and abandon or neglect scientific understanding and skepticism and that seems to close the door on my options. This is the tension that my spiritual father Cioran lived with all his life, he wanted to be a Buddhist but couldn't, and instead "tortured himself"! (His words).

Tired of having done the same for years, the only thing I could do was try to overcome it. And I have to some extent, but it wasn't through faith. It was through understanding the plight of the human being. His evolution, his future if he keeps being so easily deceived and arrogant. Understanding the context of our existence was the key. But understanding those things doesn't free you from the society you feel suffocated by.

The attractive part of Buddhism is that it offers a structure where you could just fuck right off, live peacefully in community and no longer have to be a part of a sick society without having to forage for food and live in a hut in Alaska. Depending on how ill-adapted to such a society you are, the more understanding of an 'as if' attitude towards Buddhism you will be.

On November 28 2018 22:29 RiKD wrote: I recently invested just about everything into Buddhism and certain teachings for 4 months? Then I found out it would be wise to not continue with my teacher and there are a lot of feelings surrounding that. I haven't really been able to make sense of them all. Imagine spending most of your time... pretty much all of your time away from work on a goal... a serious goal of ceasing suffering and then find out that that is not the path. Especially someone like me who has been down so many paths. I'm just sick of it. I know it will pass but sometimes it doesn't feel that way. I learned some truths in Buddhism there is no going back from there but it feels like there is no winning with Theravada, Vajrayana, or Mahayana Buddhism. I don't know if there is winning in a USA based secular Buddhism either. I don't like the Chinese. Tibetans seem ok but so much damn ritual and magic. I really like Thai people and other Southeast Asians but there cultural Buddhism seems sketchy. At this point in time Zen Buddhism is not for me and I don't foresee it ever being for me. I just want the scriptures and a reasonable teacher. That may be asking for too much.

You're way overthinking this, I've never seen someone create so much attachment to an outcome and therefore suffering when it comes to Buddhism as you are doing, believe me you are doing it wrong, as tutz said you need to let go of your ego, just sit, observe, ask "who am I" when you're deep into your session, that's it. You're putting the cart infront of the horse, only then you need to go deeper.


There's no "winning" either that's not what this is all about, I see practitioners doing it for years claim.they are "enlightened" like it's a goal they reached and a permanent state, and then you see their egoistic self boasting on Facebook, posting pictures of their babies, photoshopped images with their wives and I just shake my head

On November 29 2018 05:30 Loco wrote: "All that I know is that I know nothing" said Socrates. Well, you could add to that that, short of having certainties, you know that living 'as if' something is true can have more value than not to.

Believing in something that isn't true only because it is useful is profoundly intellectually dishonest - Bertrand Shaw


Its obvious that nobody knows what happens when we die, however the most logical assumption and most likely scenario would be that we return to the non-consciousness that has had us for the last few billion years, anyone who thinks otherwise is a fool, anyone who claims otherwise is a charlatan.

As I said, reincarnation isn't any more mature than clouds, golden harps and cherubs, it isn't any more sophisticated than the 72 virgins, it is simply the ego fighting its worst enemy, oblivion.

Hey guys...

Some free time came up so I decided to write right away a blog about my Spiritual Awakening.

RikD, do not hesitate to ask me anything.

Namastê my friends

On November 29 2018 05:30 Loco wrote: Technically reincarnation is not taught in Buddhism, since there is no soul/self to be reincarnated. What is taught is transmigration: the mind is craving all the time for becoming and it's considered to persist for as long as it still wants to exist. Bodily death doesn't extinguish the craving for life because that craving is the only permanent/persistent force in the universe. It's the ocean of which we are the individual drop. This is the same view that Schopenhauer developed, and he has a logical framework for it in his essay "On the Indestructibility of Our Essential Being by Death". Ultimately, this is metaphysics, and it only convinces those who get something out of it. In other words, it works only by 'as if' (Vahinger/Austin Spare). Blind faith in metaphysical views is obviously juvenile, but the alternative doesn't have to be rigid disbelief; Some people are convinced not of the absolute truth of some metaphysical propositions, but their 'as if', i.e. pragmatic value. Jordan peterson is one of those people. (but in my view he has picked shoddy views/is too politically motivated for his own benefit and that of a minority of people) "All that I know is that I know nothing" said Socrates. Well, you could add to that that, short of having certainties, you know that living 'as if' something is true can have more value than not to. But of course this is very uncommon because the modern mind is addicted to control and certainty, even though the whole of science and philosophy shows that knowledge is aporetic: greater knowledge paradoxically leads to greater ignorance. But I digress... Tutz has it all backwards. "Go for those people who are selling something, you are not ready for the real deal yet." Osho and Tolle... Those are not it. The thing is.... Rikds path here wasn't his to begin with. It was mine. I influenced him to move away from Mahayana to Theravada, and then he picked up the New Burmese method because of me. My disappointment with my vipassana retreat became his as a result. All of this began when I was discarded by my long time partner who cheated on me. I lost my family and basically my whole life plan. I had nothing and I had never suffered this much before. That reinvigorated my desire to possibly become a monk, since I had so few attachments left. But I found out the hard way that, while yes, Buddhist meditation helped me a lot, I cannot play the part of one who subscribes to a traditional Buddhist worldview and abandon or neglect scientific understanding and skepticism and that seems to close the door on my options. This is the tension that my spiritual father Cioran lived with all his life, he wanted to be a Buddhist but couldn't, and instead "tortured himself"! (His words). Tired of having done the same for years, the only thing I could do was try to overcome it. And I have to some extent, but it wasn't through faith. It was through understanding the plight of the human being. His evolution, his future if he keeps being so easily deceived and arrogant. Understanding the context of our existence was the key. But understanding those things doesn't free you from the society you feel suffocated by. The attractive part of Buddhism is that it offers a structure where you could just fuck right off, live peacefully in community and no longer have to be a part of a sick society without having to forage for food and live in a hut in Alaska. Depending on how ill-adapted to such a society you are, the more understanding of an 'as if' attitude towards Buddhism you will be.

Loco, I did not know you were in a spiritual search too.

Dear friend, I can see you entered buddhism expecting something it is not capable of providing to you. You must be your own teacher in the first place. You said: "The attractive part of Buddhism is that it offers a structure where you could just fuck right off, live peacefully in community and no longer have to be a part of a sick society without having to forage for food and live in a hut in Alaska".

Buddhism does not offer that. In no way... If you think you can escape reality through any philosophy, you will suffer. Life will bring you back to where you started. Nothing from the outside can force inner peace in you. For people raised in the West it is specially difficult to make the transition to the spiritual path, because the most basic concepts towards spiritual enlightment are too abstract for a mind dominated by the ego.

First, you do need to grasp on the basic concepts. Presence, ego identification, no reaction. This is the beauty of Eckhart and Osho's teachings. They give a pathway to spiritual awakening to those who are still dominated by the mind. Look, I'm not trying to be right and make you wrong. My words will either help shift your conciousness, or they will be meaningless, and both cases are ok.

Your disappointment with the Vipassana shows you shouldn't have entered it in the first place. You joined it expecting something, but EVERYTHING YOU NEED IS IN YOU. Your disappointment with other teachers also shows how much you are expecting something (someone) from the outside to enlighten you, to tell you how to think or what to do. This is not the way. The master is only an example of what is possible to achieve. Enlightened or not, a spiritual master is still subjected to the karmic cycle of being incartaned in this Earth. He still is, in the end, just human. Don't expect masters to be gods, you will be disappointed every time.

I truly wish you keep searching, as only you can find your ways, only you can 'remember who you are'. Please don't be offended by my words, I'm not judging you in any way. I have a deep respect for anyone seeking the spiritual path, as I know now how important that is. The simple fact that you are searching shows to me how blessed you are, I truly believe.

Namastê

Different beings, different ways.

"Everything you need is in you." including these "other" teachers who only appear as separate entities "outside"

Your teacher appears in subtler energetic form, someone elses teacher appears as physical form, not much difference.

On November 28 2018 20:58 Mortensen8 wrote: Show nested quote + On November 28 2018 17:50 RiKD wrote:   On November 27 2018 23:45 Mortensen8 wrote:   On November 27 2018 16:56 RiKD wrote:   On November 27 2018 15:23 Mortensen8 wrote: There's so much more to life you can go really deep but there are many ideologies etc. that suck you into them and shape your mind stay out of it all and watch the world burn don't buy into any of it because they will all just be used as useful idiots in the end (ordo ab chao). You can already see the division is getting more intense every year. But this is the time rise above it all and create good with stuff like permaculture. Basically all the darkness you see in the world is an opportunity without opposition we would have no way to grow. I have no idea how anyone can think existence to be mundane you literally have infinite knowledge right in front of you on the computer you are probably just trapped in a matrix thought control and never find something interesting. Also you are probably vitamin D deficient get more sunlight, fish, eggs and dairy. Get away from wifi and other types of radiation as much as you can. I just got my vitamin D levels checked recently and they were good. Maybe hypothyroid judging by how much you sleep again cod might help because of iodine. Bro, I just got a ton of stuff checked a few weeks ago and I have the bill to prove it. Both my GP and Psychiatrist said everything was "perfect." My Psychiatrist even asked me what I eat and what I do because the numbers couldn't be any better. How can you be depressed then I've got all these auto immune bs and I'm happy maybe try weed and cbd actually cbd might make you depressed not sure but I still take it. I am also into weird and interesting rabbit hole shit which keeps me going. If you are in perfect health why sleep 15 hours? Keep in mind that 'perfect' levels of testosterone ranges from 200 to 1200 is it possible they are comparing you to some low average. I would also like to know what you eat haha.

I'm physically healthy that doesn't mean my mental health is on point. Weed might help in the short term but it's opening up a can of worms. Sleep is comforting. They could be comparing me to some low average. I didn't really look too much into it.

Every morning I eat a pumpkin oatmeal with walnuts and blueberries. The other meals vary but yesterday for example I went to the grocery store and bought a shit ton of organic vegetables. I cut them all up. Then I threw some vegetable oil and red curry paste into a big ass wok and then threw all the vegetables in, stirred in the curry, threw in some coconut milk, sugar, soy sauce, lime and cooked for about 15 or so minutes because the sweet potatoes take a while to cook. I got carried away actually. It was a LARGE batch. I am not sure if I can eat it all in 5 days.

On November 28 2018 21:47 Baalim wrote: I've always found it curious that depress people gravitate towards alcohol and other depressants and manic paranoid people gravitate towards cocain and uppers... it seems counterintuitive, instead of looking for balance we are looking to potentialize our neurosis and self destruct

Alcohol can go great with crawling into a hole and drowning yourself in alcohol.

Man, when I'm manic I want to ride that rush as far as it can go.

On November 28 2018 22:45 tutz wrote: Show nested quote + On November 28 2018 22:29 RiKD wrote: I recently invested just about everything into Buddhism and certain teachings for 4 months? Then I found out it would be wise to not continue with my teacher and there are a lot of feelings surrounding that. I haven't really been able to make sense of them all. Imagine spending most of your time... pretty much all of your time away from work on a goal... a serious goal of ceasing suffering and then find out that that is not the path. Especially someone like me who has been down so many paths. I'm just sick of it. I know it will pass but sometimes it doesn't feel that way. I learned some truths in Buddhism there is no going back from there but it feels like there is no winning with Theravada, Vajrayana, or Mahayana Buddhism. I don't know if there is winning in a USA based secular Buddhism either. I don't like the Chinese. Tibetans seem ok but so much damn ritual and magic. I really like Thai people and other Southeast Asians but there cultural Buddhism seems sketchy. At this point in time Zen Buddhism is not for me and I don't foresee it ever being for me. I just want the scriptures and a reasonable teacher. That may be asking for too much. Stop looking for guidance in any of these traditions. You are not ready for those teachings yet. First you need to learn to observe your ego. Watch it as much as you can, during everyday activities. Stop reading scriptures, read Eckhart Tolle instead. Or Osho. I recommend you start with the Power of Now, learn the concept of presence. Then read Stillness Speaks, and then A New Earth. Practice presence. Learn to spot inconciousness in you and in others. Watch it, don't react. See the reaction manifest in your mind. Laugh at it. Once you understand presence, once you know how to JUST BE, you will be ready for all the scriptures. You will see the meaning behind Buddha's words. Your meditation will improve. From this on, you will be able to chose any Buddhist tradition that fits best the way you wanna live your life. You must persist my friend Reincarnation is real. I will write more in my blog on the weekend Namastê

Eckhart Tolle and Osho? I am skeptical.

You don't get it Tutz. The principle obstacle for a person's well-being, and by extension their spiritual life, is the economic prison they are stuck in. The domination of a human being or a group of human beings on another. We used to be able to escape from such situations that led our biological structure to become damaged, either by fighting or running away or mutual avoidance, throughout human evolution, up until the point where you have these large cities, social inhibitions, and the need to labour for someone else in order to sustain your existence (for the majority of people) . In such a society the threats leading to such states are more common and they persist in a chronic fashion, but they are abstract; the malaise is wide spread, and it comes out in many different illnesses (psychosocial stress--->psychosomatic illnesses) and forms of aggression that can get people into serious trouble. What I was saying is that joining a Sangha, a group of monks in a monastery, is one of the few escapes possible. You no longer need money, even take a vow no longer to touch it. Your existence is preserved by the laity. I never expected it to save me from all suffering, how dumb would I be? But getting away from the grind is the most pressing part for anyone wishing to live well.

I read the Power of Now several times. I've known about Tolle for like 10 years. There's nothing unique about his teachings, it's a new age repackaging of Vedanta. A book like this leads a lot of people to false awakenings. As for Osho, my ex best friend went to one of his ashrams for a long period. Only thing he got out of it was a baby because he impregnated a Korean girl while he was there. He's still as unenghlightened as ever, falling for all sorts of alternative medicine scams. This isn't an argument against Osho, but it's obvious that these teachers don't just attract people from the Oprah book club but people with serious issues that often aren't ameliorated by listening to them.

On November 29 2018 00:51 Stroggoz wrote: depression is not understood very well. Many cases of depression must have a lot of sociological, geographic contributing causes though, imo. I don't think charlatans like lacan or peterson are helpful. You could probably get better advice from close family members than psychologists or psychiatrists most of the time. Certainly agree with loco that LP is a terrible place for advice on these matters. Personally for me, studying and getting involved in politics cures me of depression, so does not coming to LP. It's not a model solution for anyone else. Also i think that depression can sometimes be a good thing or at least a bad side effect of a greater good.

I like my current psychiatrist/psycho-analyst/therapist but I do agree with you. A phone call with my sister who is also a therapist has tended to be very valuable. My mom is good to talk to also but she is on a repositioning cruise out at sea for a week. LP you get a mixed bag. There are some ok discussions. There are some lulz. I think I have seen this in multiple places one of them being Sartre but the idea is that activism is one of those things people find liberating, worth doing, etc. It becomes a meaning that can overcome the meaningless of life. I am way too cynical in matters of politics, governments, and corporations. I would rather live on Pun Pun farm in Thailand and learn the ways of sustainable living.

On November 29 2018 17:36 Loco wrote: You don't get it Tutz. The principle obstacle for a person's well-being, and by extension their spiritual life, is the economic prison they are stuck in. The domination of a human being or a group of human beings on another. We used to be able to escape from such situations that led our biological structure to become damaged, either by fighting or running away or mutual avoidance, throughout human evolution, up until the point where you have these large cities, social inhibitions, and the need to labour for someone else in order to sustain your existence (for the majority of people) . In such a society the threats leading to such states are more common and they persist in a chronic fashion, but they are abstract; the malaise is wide spread, and it comes out in many different illnesses (psychosocial stress--->psychosomatic illnesses) and forms of aggression that can get people into serious trouble. What I was saying is that joining a Sangha, a group of monks in a monastery, is one of the few escapes possible. You no longer need money, even take a vow no longer to touch it. Your existence is preserved by the laity. I never expected it to save me from all suffering, how dumb would I be? But getting away from the grind is the most pressing part for anyone wishing to live well. I read the Power of Now several times. I've known about Tolle for like 10 years. There's nothing unique about his teachings, it's a new age repackaging of Vedanta. A book like this leads a lot of people to false awakenings. As for Osho, my ex best friend went to one of his ashrams for a long period. Only thing he got out of it was a baby because he impregnated a Korean girl while he was there. He's still as unenghlightened as ever, falling for all sorts of alternative medicine scams. This isn't an argument against Osho, but it's obvious that these teachers don't just attract people from the Oprah book club but people with serious issues that often aren't ameliorated by listening to them.

I see. From this, I believe I have just a few things I could add to you.
From what you said it seems clear to me, and I say this with all due respect to you, that you are still being deeply held down by your bundle of thoughts. You are rationalizing something that must be felt. But you can never allow yourself to feel anything while being dominated by the mind. In this condition, everything will be superficial. I'm sorry if I'm too abstract at times. Spiritual teachings are best transmitted in the form of parables, or examples, cause that's the best way to cut through all the layers of thinking.

Can I ask why did you read the Power of Now several times, as you said? If it was useless the first time, why read the second? Also, it's a given that Tolle's teachings, as well as Osho's, or Buddha's, or Christ's teachings, have nothing new in them. They are different pointers to the same universal truth. Different ways of saying the same exact thing.

I can feel the sense of superiority in your words when talking to me. Ask yourself, why? Why do I have to, through my words, make it clear how superior I am to him, even if subtly? Or to anyone in this forum? Could that type of unexamined thought pattern be harming my spiritual awakening? Moreover, where does this thought even comes from? Ego? Or my true self?

I will not try to win this argument, as there is nothing to be won here. There is only consciousness, or the lack of it.

It wasn't useless at those times because I was an uneducated poker player who was focused on trying to achieve financial freedom. It introduced me to ideas that would help me to detach from my emotions and be a better poker player. I returned to that book at times where my romantic life went sour. It was a palliative. It worked wonderfully. I actually had my best poker year ($100k, $1/hand) after reading the book the second time and overcoming that one heartache in 2008-2009. I hadn't read about Buddhism, Taoism, Hinduism straight from the source yet. Once you've drunk the clearest spring water there is, you no longer wish to go back to bottled water. I also hadn't learned the things I've integrated in my thinking from biology, sociology, economics, ecology, complexity theory, etc. and which these non-duality teachings say next to nothing about, yet are fundamental to understanding the world we live in today.

I can feel the sense of superiority in your words when talking to me

That's called projection. You probably won't learn about it reading Tolle.

On November 29 2018 18:49 Loco wrote: It wasn't useless at those times because I was an uneducated poker player who was focused on trying to achieve financial freedom. It introduced me to ideas that would help me to detach from my emotions and be a better poker player. I returned to that book at times where my romantic life went sour. It was a palliative. It worked wonderfully. I actually had my best poker year ($100k, $1/hand) after reading the book the second time and overcoming that one heartache in 2008-2009. I hadn't read about Buddhism, Taoism, Hinduism straight from the source yet. Once you've drunk the clearest spring water there is, you no longer wish to go back to bottled water. I also hadn't learned the things I've integrated in my thinking from biology, sociology, economics, ecology, complexity theory, etc. and which these non-duality teachings say next to nothing about, yet are fundamental to understanding the world we live in today. Show nested quote + I can feel the sense of superiority in your words when talking to me That's called projection. You probably won't learn about it reading Tolle.

Alright, no problem my friend.

I'm very sorry if in any way I made it look like I was superior to you in any way. I'm not. I will examine my words better in the future so I don't make people feel that way anymore.

I hope you find what you are looking for my friend.

Namastê

On November 28 2018 21:47 Baalim wrote: I've always found it curious that depress people gravitate towards alcohol and other depressants and manic paranoid people gravitate towards cocain and uppers... it seems counterintuitive, instead of looking for balance we are looking to potentialize our neurosis and self destruct

just a few quick notes - alcohol is a stimulant in smaller doses hence its abuse by people with a wide range of conditions (though ease of availability relative to other drugs, social acceptableness and a million other reasons add to that as well), when it comes specifically to the subset of people who have bouts of mania, are aware of them and are working towards some improvement [and still use drugs], marijuana is the most used drug by a pretty wide margin. (again, thats not exactly what you were talking about so its more meant as an appendix)

On November 29 2018 00:51 Stroggoz wrote: depression is not understood very well...You could probably get better advice from close family members than psychologists or psychiatrists most of the time.

i dont want to jump too much into the whole post but there's a bit of a disconnect here. i suspect you meant 'depression is not understood very well' in terms of scientific understanding and theres a good amount of truth to that. that said, i think that sentence would fit equally well when talking about society in general. there isn't a ton of awareness/recognition between general run-of-the-mill depression and clinical depression and that ignorance can make talking to a loved one, or advice proferred there from, to be a pretty bad time. that said, talking to a loved one who is (if not super knowledgeable on the subject to begin with) open-minded, empathetic and knows the person intimately is a solid way to improve one's life a non-zero amount in almost any situation.

Eckhart puts it better than I ever could:

On November 29 2018 08:29 Baalim wrote: Show nested quote + On November 29 2018 05:30 Loco wrote: "All that I know is that I know nothing" said Socrates. Well, you could add to that that, short of having certainties, you know that living 'as if' something is true can have more value than not to. Believing in something that isn't true only because it is useful is profoundly intellectually dishonest - Bertrand Shaw Its obvious that nobody knows what happens when we die, however the most logical assumption and most likely scenario would be that we return to the non-consciousness that has had us for the last few billion years, anyone who thinks otherwise is a fool, anyone who claims otherwise is a charlatan. As I said, reincarnation isn't any more mature than clouds, golden harps and cherubs, it isn't any more sophisticated than the 72 virgins, it is simply the ego fighting its worst enemy, oblivion.

This quote is misplaced. We're not talking about belief in false things. The 'as if' is applicable to things that are constructs, which are necessarily open-ended and not directly verifiable/provable. Like this subject of non-duality that is popping up often in posts by longple, tutz, napalm... the idea that things come from one ultimate source and all things go back to it and are it. It's something that some physicists like Schrodinger believed and you can find support for it outside of the loony bin. Living as if something like this is true would not be the same thing as believing in a lie. I'm not saying this is how one should approach life, btw, I'm making no value judgment with relation to this argument. In fact, it is a bit comical for me to be arguing this point in a devil's advocate kind of way here when I was the one who was annoyed with Jordan Peterson playing with this while you thought "his pragmatisim [and lack of skepticism] is what makes him interesting".

So, it's been a few days now and I'm still in it. I'm ok with that though for the most part. I sleep a lot, I go to work, I visit the internet, and read. One thing I've been thinking about is just how brainwashed I am from AA and how is that effecting me? I know for one thing not going seems to effect my well being. I am missing a fellowship but at the same time going effects my well being because that fellowship is brainwashed and attempting to brainwash me. It would be nice to have somewhere to go. I don't know where to go. Besides sleep and making pizzas for people.

This whole tutz situation kind of outlines what I don't like about "spirituality." It just makes me want to stay away even more.

On December 02 2018 17:29 RiKD wrote: So, it's been a few days now and I'm still in it. I'm ok with that though for the most part. I sleep a lot, I go to work, I visit the internet, and read. One thing I've been thinking about is just how brainwashed I am from AA and how is that effecting me? I know for one thing not going seems to effect my well being. I am missing a fellowship but at the same time going effects my well being because that fellowship is brainwashed and attempting to brainwash me. It would be nice to have somewhere to go. I don't know where to go. Besides sleep and making pizzas for people. This whole tutz situation kind of outlines what I don't like about "spirituality." It just makes me want to stay away even more.

I'm sorry to hear that man. I hope things turn around soon.

Namastê

On December 02 2018 17:29 RiKD wrote: So, it's been a few days now and I'm still in it. I'm ok with that though for the most part. I sleep a lot, I go to work, I visit the internet, and read. One thing I've been thinking about is just how brainwashed I am from AA and how is that effecting me? I know for one thing not going seems to effect my well being. I am missing a fellowship but at the same time going effects my well being because that fellowship is brainwashed and attempting to brainwash me. It would be nice to have somewhere to go. I don't know where to go. Besides sleep and making pizzas for people. This whole tutz situation kind of outlines what I don't like about "spirituality." It just makes me want to stay away even more.

make 3 pizzas. ejaculate in one of the pizza doughs. if tutz can correctly identify which pizza is the one with your jizz then we will know that he is truly the one that has opened his third eye.

If someone thinks that their third eye is open is their third eye open?

^I just wanted to make fun of tutz.

On November 27 2018 16:51 RiKD wrote: Show nested quote + On November 27 2018 08:32 SleepyHead wrote: Life is super short dude. Stop worrying about stupid shit and enjoy your life I don't know if you understand depression. I was having difficulty getting out of bed. When I wrote OP I literally felt like I could not do anything besides sleep. I think I slept 15 hours yesterday? I got to the bank before it closed, went to the beach and decided it was too cold to go for a walk, and then came home and actually got the bills done. That felt like a major win and picked up some momentum to do some dishes and make a dish my Thai Aunt was telling me about. How do I enjoy my life?

I can't say that I understand exactly what you're going through but I can answer the question. You enjoy your life by doing things that you enjoy doing