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RiKD    United States. Dec 17 2016 05:50. Posts 8445
It has been a while since I have been to Vegas. I think the last time was 2008 for New Year's Eve. Besides Aria and city center stuff and name changes and upgrades it has not changed much. It is funny how little details and memories creep in. I am actually staying in the same hotel I stayed in the first time I was here in 2006. It is the same table I was grinding out $2/4 on Ket's laptop and sweated crazy insane $3/6 games with Ket, Mez, Vaesolis. It was in this hotel I created my FullTilt Poker name. I ate at the same Chipotle today that I did when we debated whether or not TJBentham could eat 2 or 3 Chipotle burritos in a sitting. Oh, the tilting $17 gym charge. The pho place is no longer around. Right across the street is the first live casino poker I ever played at the Venetian. I was drinking red bulls and treating it like the big game. I miss that enthusiasm. I played a bit today and just nothing. I thought I would get a bit of the rush but just nothing. I have not played live poker in ages and there is a reason for it. I just laugh at that kid excited to play a marathon session but oh do I miss it. Getting dealt aces, flopping top set, missing your draw and a good bluff river card hitting, cutting out the chips but it just was not happening tonight. I quickly was wishing the Venetian had Baccarat where I can peel the cards to destruction. I would walk to the Wynn but it is freezing cold out with the wind chill. The wind is gusting like Gus Hanson's machismo after winning a poker tourney.

If I am not playing poker for an income there is nothing there. Since I have kind of gotten to the point of not playing poker for an income it is the reason I never play poker. I was just rusty. Made some pretty poor weak tight plays which pissed me off. Made some noob live plays. There was money to be made but I felt silly sitting there grinding out a live 1/2 game if there is no entertainment value and then boom, like I said, I instantly wanted to get dealt a face card and then get to sweat a 4 across. That might be my favorite gambling situation now.

There are definitely a lot of attractive women around. This has jolted my libido. There are parts of me that want to be inside a women. There are also parts of me that wished I could drink. I am in just a weird celibacy mode where the prospects of having sex are slim even though I am in Vegas for a wedding. Another thing I noticed is that the attractiveness in the Bellagio is quite a lot higher than in Treasure Island. Vegas has always been a great city for sexy. It has also always been a great city for spending a lot of money. Room service wants $30 for some pancakes and a pot of coffee. That is the first thing that jumped out at me. I will not go on. I just thought it was weird for me to write about the spending a lot of money thing and then just leave it disjointed.

Jordan Peterson says writing helps with the thought processes. I am working on his future authoring project that he talked about on the Joe Rogan Podcast. I would say it has helped out tremendously for me. I may or may not be more lost than anyone else. I had some epiphany like moments where some stuff just became clear to me. Some stuff I did not necessarily know or ever know.

Fuck, I have like 2 hours until my brother and sister get into town. Everyone else is on a bar crawl that I thought about going on but what am I going to do on a bar crawl sober with a bunch of 21-24 yr old party animals? Time to google: "Where can I play baccarat and destroy cards?" or just deal with it and get some blackjack in. If I do not watch out I am going to be throwing my own pity party if it has not already begun. Food is my solace. I just had the thought to Uber out to Naked Fish or try out Firefly or go back to Fix. Mmmmmm, mac n cheese, Bobby Baldwin burger, and lobster tacos. I can not wait to get to Bouchon for brunch on Sunday. I have had thoughts of checking out to see if I can get a croissant for breakfast at the bakery.

I hope everyone is well.

Peace.

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Baalim   Mexico. Dec 17 2016 06:04. Posts 34246

Jordan Peterson ftw, so did the writing help?

Ex-PokerStars Team Pro Online 

RiKD    United States. Dec 17 2016 07:09. Posts 8445

It could be a placebo but I would say it has helped. It has gotten me more focused. I have been applying to more jobs and have gotten more interviews. It made some things clear to me that were not in the past. That was the case in a number of areas. It just made me think about certain things. Certain things popped up in the writing. Certain parts of it it is absolutely necessary to really think about things and then once that happens I think the gears are in motion. I would write about something one day and then say 3 days later it would be clear to me what I have to do in a certain area. It made me realize that if I am honest about my goals there are a number of things I am going to have to change. I am a creature of habit and some of my habits got out of whack. I found myself in a spot where I had some foggy goals and my actions were not conducive to the goals. The writing gets you thinking about what kind of life you want and then shaping the goals to match. The goal setting process the goals must be very clear. You rate the goals and where I am at now I write more on goals like motives and more that I can not remember.


RiKD    United States. Dec 17 2016 07:37. Posts 8445

General rule:

Peace or honesty? Which comes first?

The peace brings the honesty. The honesty brings the peace.

It is a real marvel when honesty derives from despair, disarray, chaos. Those are not quite the best words that I was looking for. Self-consciousness, wearing masks, self-centeredness are the epoch of dishonesty. I was around a lot of new people and just around a lot of people in general today and it is a great feeling to be sitting in a hotel room alone at peace with who I am.


RiKD    United States. Dec 17 2016 07:40. Posts 8445

I forgot fear. Living in fear. Making decisions in fear. Not facing fear. Jordan Peterson can say it better than I can on facing fears. Slaying our dragons.


PoorUser    United States. Dec 17 2016 11:42. Posts 7471

dunno your sched but i live next to naked fish if you want to grab dinner when you're in town. it opens at 5pm

Gambler EmeritusLast edit: 17/12/2016 11:42

JohnnyBologna   United States. Dec 17 2016 15:52. Posts 1401

Whats your story guy? Why did you quit poker? Why you so depressed all the time?

Anywho there are certain feelings we get as human beings that are inherent in our biological needs.

A couple that come to mind from your OP is the biological need to penetrate women. It is programmed in our bodies and as sophisticated and strong willed some people are, it will always be there, some just keep their minds more busy than others. It can be frustrating at times because a lot of women are crazy now a days and double frustating that this need is beyond our control.

The second thing that i admittedly have trouble with and still trying to get the hang of is social interaction. As introverted and socially awkward as I am, I will feel more lonely and depressed if i dont get human interaction after a period of time, another thing that is beyond my control and frustrates me daily.

For the poker thing i think you got burnt out as many ex professional poker players. I can relate after playing poker for 11 years. Humans need growth to be happy and i am not as happy when i first started playing and everything was new. Now its a job that you have to do to pay the bills that i dont enjoy as much as i use to.

GL,
Cheers

Just do whats right 

jeremy5408   United States. Dec 17 2016 17:21. Posts 122

to be human is to be depressed imo.

nice write up rikd


RiKD    United States. Dec 17 2016 23:04. Posts 8445


  On December 17 2016 14:52 JohnnyBologna wrote:
Whats your story guy? Why did you quit poker? Why you so depressed all the time?

Anywho there are certain feelings we get as human beings that are inherent in our biological needs.

A couple that come to mind from your OP is the biological need to penetrate women. It is programmed in our bodies and as sophisticated and strong willed some people are, it will always be there, some just keep their minds more busy than others. It can be frustrating at times because a lot of women are crazy now a days and double frustating that this need is beyond our control.

The second thing that i admittedly have trouble with and still trying to get the hang of is social interaction. As introverted and socially awkward as I am, I will feel more lonely and depressed if i dont get human interaction after a period of time, another thing that is beyond my control and frustrates me daily.

For the poker thing i think you got burnt out as many ex professional poker players. I can relate after playing poker for 11 years. Humans need growth to be happy and i am not as happy when i first started playing and everything was new. Now its a job that you have to do to pay the bills that i dont enjoy as much as i use to.

GL,
Cheers



My story on why I quit poker:

Too much, too soon and a little bit of losing my mind. Most of my poker career I was a guy that did not put in too many hands but was crushing the mid stakes. I never seemed to be able to break into the 5/10-10/20 no limit hold em games but was winning enough at the 3/6 games to be good. As a lower 20 something living basically like some college kid that could splurge on whatever when I wanted to it just seemed enough. Sometimes I would get visions of playing super big and making millions and stuff like that but I just was not good enough to be a solid winning regular at 5/10 and above. That kind of all changed with the prospects of PLO. It set something off inside of me. Here was new territory. New uncharted territory for the most part and a potential new beginning. I put my life and soul into learning PLO. My bankroll exploded upwards. I got a little too into it. I would play in crazy tough 25/50 games with durrrr, jman and all those guys looking at it as a cheap education. I did not really have the bankroll to support that of course. I did not care. I wanted to turn $100k into $2 million and learning these 25/50 games was the key to that. From my perspective, I either won or I learned something. The suspect bankroll management got worse and mixed with tilt which decimated my bankroll. I was pretty shook up. All that work for nothing. It was painstaking grinding the bankroll back up. I was absolutely murdering the $2/4 games but it just seemed like nothing. I was in a very negative mind space. I did not realize the variance in PLO. I remember spending some time to really look at the variance and being dejected that I likely would have to go the supernova elite route or live the heads up life. I did not have the perspective to know how good the poker life can be comparably. I also never was really the most talented or most disciplined so it was probably better for me to get out sooner rather than later. One month I was the biggest winner for $2/$4 PLO. The next month I basically lost a lot of that playing $5/10. Then I just stopped playing and drifted. No bumhunting for me I would rather be a bum. I remember sleeping on my friend's couch and getting high all day playing Metal Gear Solid. I thought that was the life. That was 2010. I remember I lied to a lot people and Black Friday in a way was actually good for me because then I could lie and say that is the reason I do not ever play poker anymore.

Why am I depressed all the time?

I do not think I am depressed all the time. I am bipolar so sometimes I literally am depressed all the time but that is not the norm. I think what happens in my blog is a lot of the things I am not thrilled about leak into my writing. I can be expressing a bit of a pity party here in Vegas because honestly I miss the fun times partying and drinking. Vegas is one of the best partying towns in the world and I can not really partake. Sobriety and wild drinking and drug parties just do not mix all that well. I would rather sit in my hotel room watching Bojack Horseman. I am actually ok with being celibate. I likely will not be when I see how great some of these single women will be looking tonight at the wedding. Many of which I am also very much attracted to who they are. I just have not really figured out this seduction and pick up thing without drinking involved. I have been in some situations where the woman wanted sex but they were a bit too drunk for me to feel good about it. I have thought of ideals in which I only sleep with sober women. It is not easy for me. Someone the other day offered me coke and molly and I was like YYYEEESSS!!! Sometimes I question if the hedonistic adventure life is the way to live but it brought me to some lost and broken places I do not want to travel back to. Peace is what I am looking for. Peace with myself within the world.


Spitfiree   Bulgaria. Dec 17 2016 23:30. Posts 9634

Quite a nice read. We are all searching for that in a way.
Are you indeed bipolar or you exaggerated? I used to chat quite a bit with someone from LP who s bipolar and I'd have to say from the stories I've heard about the disease, if you somehow are able to manage such thing in the long run, then you've definitely found the peace within. Had quite a different understanding of it previously. I was ignorant as fuck.


jeremy5408   United States. Dec 17 2016 23:55. Posts 122

"Sometimes I question if the hedonistic adventure life is the way to live but it brought me to some lost and broken places I do not want to travel back to. Peace is what I am looking for. Peace with myself within the world."

I am 28 atm, and I know I am still young etc. But I have never "let go" as much as I have this year. You struggle so hard to keep your youth, and to keep a certain image of yourself. Becoming 28, I feel as though I was forced to accept that I will age and be old. But interestingly enough, I have never felt so young.

I know these are hackneyed, vapid, stale, empty platitudes but I think most true things about life are. There's a difference between being told something and experiencing something first hand.

No matter how many times you are told hitting your toe against a table leg is painful, all that counsel is empty as the experience of stubbing your toe firsthand is a sensation/experience a trillion fold more intense.


dnagardi   Hungary. Dec 18 2016 22:20. Posts 1776

why dont u get a girlfriend? a soulmate you can talk to?


FrinkX   United States. Dec 19 2016 19:18. Posts 7561

if u wanna go the sober route for girls but havent really figured out how to do it without drinking (i havent either but im set for life now in that department cuz i got lucky) then i suggest try online dating (i dont really drink or party anymore so if i was single this is the route i would go)... not tinder but one of the real websites u pay for. i mean if u put in that u dont drink or do drugs and want to meet a real woman and have a real relationship along with all the other crap it asks u to fill in... i'd think you'd have a better chance at meeting someone. i'm pretty sure u're like me and u dont fail at having a conversation with someone, its just the awkwardness of the first encounter... Online dating pretty much kills that awkwardness, u can chat online and find out things u have in common prior to meeting so that your date goes smoothly. no reason to wait IMO, its just gunna get harder as you get older

bitch on a pension suck my dong 

RiKD    United States. Dec 19 2016 20:10. Posts 8445


  On December 17 2016 22:30 Spitfiree wrote:
Quite a nice read. We are all searching for that in a way.
Are you indeed bipolar or you exaggerated? I used to chat quite a bit with someone from LP who s bipolar and I'd have to say from the stories I've heard about the disease, if you somehow are able to manage such thing in the long run, then you've definitely found the peace within. Had quite a different understanding of it previously. I was ignorant as fuck.



Believe me I am not exaggerating. I wish it were not true. I have been in the psych ward twice and it has caused a lot of problems in my life. I take lithium with a side dose of an anti-psychotic. I will say it makes a world of difference to get treated by a great institution like Western Pyschiactric Institute of Pittsburgh. It all becomes quite manageable.


RiKD    United States. Dec 19 2016 20:25. Posts 8445


  On December 17 2016 22:55 jeremy5408 wrote:
"Sometimes I question if the hedonistic adventure life is the way to live but it brought me to some lost and broken places I do not want to travel back to. Peace is what I am looking for. Peace with myself within the world."

I am 28 atm, and I know I am still young etc. But I have never "let go" as much as I have this year. You struggle so hard to keep your youth, and to keep a certain image of yourself. Becoming 28, I feel as though I was forced to accept that I will age and be old. But interestingly enough, I have never felt so young.

I know these are hackneyed, vapid, stale, empty platitudes but I think most true things about life are. There's a difference between being told something and experiencing something first hand.

No matter how many times you are told hitting your toe against a table leg is painful, all that counsel is empty as the experience of stubbing your toe firsthand is a sensation/experience a trillion fold more intense.



28 is a good year. Many years are good years. I love that Sinatra song. I love the toe stubbing analogy. Everything is whatever until you get hit in the mouth. Now, I am remembering like a month ago I almost hit a deer on the highway going 80 mph. In the moment it was a real life or death type of situation. Luckily, I swerved adeptly and got to safety. I was only jolted by that experience for a short time then I forgot about it until just now. I have been having dreams lately that are like showing me or encouraging me what life can be. No, I likely can not actually skydive by myself with out a parachute and still be alive enough to go out on a date with Marion Cotillard but I can live some life and spend some time with a cool, compatible chick at a great restaurant. Or, I can just chill in a nicely air conditioned hotel room and think about some things and write about some things on LP. I have some time to kill. My flight back home was overbooked and I took the voucher deal and am staying another day. I have decided I have to start grinding up a travel bankroll. I have a very nomadic streak to me. There is gypsy in my blood.


RiKD    United States. Dec 19 2016 20:25. Posts 8445


  On December 18 2016 21:20 dnagardi wrote:
why dont u get a girlfriend? a soulmate you can talk to?



This is a good suggestion.


RiKD    United States. Dec 19 2016 20:37. Posts 8445


  On December 19 2016 18:18 FrinkX wrote:
if u wanna go the sober route for girls but havent really figured out how to do it without drinking (i havent either but im set for life now in that department cuz i got lucky) then i suggest try online dating (i dont really drink or party anymore so if i was single this is the route i would go)... not tinder but one of the real websites u pay for. i mean if u put in that u dont drink or do drugs and want to meet a real woman and have a real relationship along with all the other crap it asks u to fill in... i'd think you'd have a better chance at meeting someone. i'm pretty sure u're like me and u dont fail at having a conversation with someone, its just the awkwardness of the first encounter... Online dating pretty much kills that awkwardness, u can chat online and find out things u have in common prior to meeting so that your date goes smoothly. no reason to wait IMO, its just gunna get harder as you get older



This is another really good suggestion. It has been in the back of my mind. I literally barely ever meet "normal" women. Many of the women in AA are not good candidates for a relationship, or I don't want to shit where I eat, or I just don't run into quality women enough. It does get a lot tougher after 30 and I imagine it will only get more and more difficult. My rationalizations at this point is I just have not had stable income. I am like seat of my pants money maker at the moment. So, that is what I tell myself. "I have to get my money and my living situation right." Which is true but it probably would be a good idea to fish around a bit. "Wait 'til I get my money right." When is money right? If I can afford a dinner that is probably enough.


PoorUser    United States. Dec 19 2016 21:17. Posts 7471

was good catching up. dont be a stranger

Gambler Emeritus 

RiKD    United States. Dec 20 2016 13:39. Posts 8445

Indeed.


iop   Sweden. Dec 22 2016 12:55. Posts 4951

Thanks for the share Rik. Hope all is well!

Milkman lol i didnt spend half a thousand on a phone so i could play it cool and be all stealth 

 
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