“A man can be himself only so long as he is alone; and if he does not love solitude, he will not love freedom; for it is only when he is alone that he is really free.” -Arthur Schopenhauer
"Great men are like eagles, and build their nest on some lofty solitude" -Arthur Schopenhauer
Man, I must be pretty great with the lofty solitude I've built my nest upon. But, what does this Schopenhauer know anyway?
He's short, he's bald, he's like the George Costanza of 19th century philosophy.... He was certainly a powerhouse. Nietzsche's "great father" until Nietzsche kind of separated himself from Schopie when Nietzsche started reaching new power levels and coming into his own with works like Human, All Too Human and The Gayest Science. Of course, there was that other book that arrived Thus Sprakken zie Zarathustra which perhaps made people gayer than The Gayest Science.
I do a lot of cool stuff in solitude but it's not like what Art is talking about. It's not about being some nerd and spending screen time on bullshit (like this). Writing something meaningful would get in the club. Reading something meaningful would as well. I think I am drawing dead at doing something meaningful in Math or Physics at this point. Sadly, I was probably drawing dead my whole life. But, damn, Schopie for being a notorious pessimisstic philosopher really pumps me up. Of cousre, he is biased here. It's Art's interpretation of the situation but I can get down with this. Tonight, I feel great in solitude. I'm soaring with the Eagles. It's the only time I'm free.
Hey guys here in my garage, more knowledge from 6 years of journaling. I don't even k now the person who wrote this stuff or where I got it, I never read it back, and I certainly didn't act on a lot of it. They are randomly pulled from random years , it's fun to remember what I was up to.
- Growth is the most important thing in credit systems, or rather belief in growth that keeps the credit and stock system going. Consumerism pushes you towards happy states, rewards as it needs growth, or that belief in growth, or the credit system would collapse.
- adds, mentality, culture see fear, sadness as wrong states that need to be changed through consuming, inspiration. But Who says that feeling happy is important at all?
Buddhism
- you feel emotions but don't get attached to specific ones. Happy feeling is caused by neurotransmitters, they have baseline level, oscillate around it.
- what comes up, must come down naturally.
=> You actively seek to feel the states, happy ot anxious. You can move your neurochemistry in the long run through attitude, diet, exercise.
Suffering is not negative emotions, its not pain, sadness or depression. Suffering is clinging to specific states and repressing others.
This too shall pass. Maybe.
-Love brings flow. This ultimate focus on the present moment, hormones, focus on the other person and the high, this is why people seek it. You can move do that at any point, not with love only. People seek out these moments like the tractor scene on Garden State with drugs, alcohol, love, fucking, but you cab find that in focusing on people, normal situations. Just BE right here, indulge, feel, enjoy. Feel through the swings, feel and embrace your spectrum, embrace who you are instead of distractions. Repressing your emotions takes a lot of resourced, let it go! Feel through emotion, focus on performance, you can have a literally manic episode, crying cursing yet play amazing with enough awareness.
Corey wayne dating: Hang out, have fun, hook up. Sooner kr later you associate each other with good feelings and sexual energy. To fun something truly real, you find joy in all states, dark side inside you and others.
Leaders use silence.
When you feel pressure you get to choose whether you feel it as anxiety or excitement that can turn into energy.
-fucking c*unts, fucking 88 I can't beat the limit, annoying reg shit fuck, 98 raises, AK calls me fuck anxiety I'm bad can't win, feel pressure, c*nts runbad aaaAAa fuck, I fucking hate them, feels like I just burn money when I play, don't want any people to see how I play, ashamed afraid to face my game, spewing, not enough tables, tired omg, I even go through this shift c*nts always AA, spazzes get aces omfg, shig fuck 88 fuck c*nts counterfeit, this is bullshit, losing big pots small pots, getting fucking raised, trapped, fucked by all, shift fuck c*nt dick asshole I can't take it want yo play Games, fo whatever else, c*nt shift deck asshole, all hurts cat is here, often stomach pain omg, shit dick, fucking dick, pain, AAAaaaAAa, fucking read HU, lose lose lose over over over, fuck topvl, shift dick, can't stand playing, want it too bad, might be time to quit push, 6 weeks to give it my best, I can't do it I play part time etc. I won't call can't just play,but my plays di nit mean shut fuck I was many mistake, want to check in T9 To break sesh, open chrome distract myself, not focusing at all,.mind fog, shift fuck got pummeled by aggronshits nit sute what to do 22 minut3s, eternity to end session, hate playing so much, brings me anxiety. Feels good to face it, fear of aggroreg, want to open Internet so hard so stressed itbud surreal, c*nts, so many bad hands fuck shit, I hate playing it feels hard, why...lack of work fuck 88 check raised fucked, so many hwbcs, raised this shit omfg c*nts 88 raise, lose lose lose fuck.
Present day comment: this is actually hilarious, I call it "Spew" when I go spewing thoughts on paper in a mad fashion, over exxagarate the emotions go all out. This isn't even all of it, it's good 30 pages that look like this, I did this often, but this is one of my longest rants for sure, what the hell was that 88 hand that triggered it! Wish I knew! Sadly, I didn't write what years these are from
So, in my life upswing I wrote journals, mad scribblings with diary, messages to my self, and bumper sticker stuff. I will be moving soon, and want a fresh start, these notepads I never read back won't go with me. So here we go, knowledge from past 7+ years. Only lifted stuff, there are good 40 notepads here.
I find when I stop writing my life gets chaotic, like right now. I Hope writing this down and throwing away the notepads will motivate me! Only thing I keep are event and sex reports. Because that stuff can't be written twice haha.
It's not what happens to you, it's how you react to it
Power is in continuous balanced habits.
Be grateful to the you that put in the work during hard times.
I ask my powerful brain great questions and give it space and calm for answers. Then I act on them.
Every moment in time I reevaluate how best I can use it, what's the awesomest use of mybtine right now.
I live by my values, I work hardest when things are good, maintain when not. Go after it ruthlessly when winning! Remember the struggles and push through. Build steady working habits, push hard when at the top to.max your limits, and relax in hard times.
Go towards successes, to things that feel right to you, give yourself as a gift to others.
Challenge yourself, welcome strong opponents as a way to test yourself and see what you can improve.
Schedule brings stability to ride the waves.
You are complete, women compete over you, you give yourself forward and choose who to share the gift with.
Women, sex, dark mood, a simple look with a stranger, beauty. They are an experience, they all all the same. Doesn't need to lead to anything. Just enjoy what is, what just happened. Swearing while tired is just as cool as a smile with a stranger or a 5 hour fucking session.
Remember pal, you are openly fascinated by your dark side. Keep writing, peeps being fascinated at your states, at people, listen with an open mind.
Never think less of yourself, but think of yourself less.
Get excited about understanding people. Their habits, quirks, goals.and views, values. They are like countries to be discovered.
Okay so basically over the last multiple years I've been working with Pete Marshall28, then a solver group on poker.
During and after covid I've slowly started losing motivation - I think COVID-19 especially was hard on me - I always used poker as means to have a great life, meet people, do things etc etc. That shit broke me and I didn't manage to recover. Pete transitioned from Holdem, and I never really got the same hunger I did for the game as I did when we worked together. I do have a fantastic group, but I myself didn't have the motivation.
I did have a great period of time when I started waking up at 4am, but slowly I realized I got worse. My friends coached me and basically told me - bruh, your style is outdated, I was not mixing 3bets enough in the big blind and was just overall too passive.
So I said "fuck it" and rejoined the real world. Plan was always to work part-time, gets some structure and cash and grind poker. Oh boy that didn't work out so well :D
I immediately by chance got a job in politics, convincing people to sign petitions for Presidential candidates, I was consistent, honest, unlike many people, and hooked. Soon I was working full time as it was always temporary, I attended parties, and had beer with multiple presidential candidates - they thought I was a journalist because I took notes. I even joined an anti-corruption political activist group and have a few photos in the national media, alongside attending a presidential debate on national TV (as a spectator).
Well that ended, I got a physical job for 8hrs per week to get some free exercise and structure, and went into research in the field, literally finding out what people think about things like the death penalty, abortion, and where would THEY spend the country's budget.
Poker
All this time I have been studying poker, doing mostly fun streams and a couple of interviews, and not so much coaching as before. I always coached micro stakes and always crushed them. At first, I was coaching micro stakes because I didn't have to worry about revealing my strategy, but recently because I stopped having confidence at higher stakes.
I once again have went on to rebuild my game, ditched HUD, and started hammering down modern ranges, without caring for the results. It took a year of off-again-on-again effort to get my interest in poker back. Which came with a luck box. KKPoker was looking to promote their tournament in Bratislava - the Polish Poker Championship and they liked my streams, so they were like hey - why doesn't he come, we give him one package.
I went with my shit phone, covered the event, did interviews - I mean at this point I am a fucking pro. I have done a pod for good 10 years off again on again, had big names on. But never fully committed because the damn ChicagoJoey is basically the same person as me but he went all-in on that and did it better. I never let go of trying to be good at poker. But now I have done literally hundreds if not thousands of interactions with strangers, asking them for anything from supporting a politician to if they think Lady Di's death was orchestrated. I fucking busted out of the tourney I was regged in, a sick 125 euro event that reached a 500k euro pool in Bratislava (lol). But it was ... fun!
I combined my 2 things I did over past many many years - talking to people and poker, did a bunch of interviews, vlog, had a blast.
Then out of the blue a couple weeks later Barry Carter, the Pokerstrategy Editor can't make the WPT World Championship in Vegas, and they think "hey, why don't you go?" I didn't even have a fucking passport, I had less than 20 days for everything. But...wellI just stumbled into so many things lately, I was like "hell yeah" despite first instinct being "nah bro, short notice". I applied for emergency passport, started scrambling for money and payment options, I went to study MTTs because fuck me, I played like 10 in my life. I played a few practice ones in my club. But it was all hectic as shit, insurance, tickets, suitcase that fits the airport, ESTA Application, passport, scheduling, emails of transfers - shiet, that's when the mad hectic times started. I also needed to get new equipment, since the $70 Motorola's video quality looks like it's from 1995 despite having like 40 Mpix, and I got some cool lavalier mics, selfie stick I could use.
I went through Munich to Charlotte, and in 16 hrs I was in vegas. The Agents when you enter USA don't joke around, he even asking "WTF is a vlog". The jetlag was real, I was freezing the whole flight, actually shaking because the temperature was super low. At the airport fucking LIFT didn't want to take any of my cards, I scrambled for ages and then got the Uber instead. Turns out I actually with my genius plan of an around-the-neck satchel for my passport where I also put my main card "not to lose it" I lost my fucking card at one of the airports too. But I got there eventually.
I got a room at the Encore, fucking fantastic baby- 5 star, all controlled by alexa, super fast elevators to floor 52, gym complimentary view to die for. And then, after 20+ hrs on the road it was straight into the players' party. Dancing lionesses on circles, Joeingram, Neeme, Owen all the big names. I managed to walk up to joey and proclaim "are these your parents" to his aged friends. Great Icebreaker, a true testament on my in-field skills. So right away he was turned off my this moron who mentioned liquid poker, but in the end, we had a good time, I spoke to a bunch of people, and I exhausted myself to no fucking end.
The next day I travelled to walpart to get some food, missed my stop. Walmart is fucking hilarious, so are the dollar stores and target - you can buy everything in all of them, I got a macaroni salad, fruits and some other stuff, and then went to get sorted in the Media room, I was basically getting the media treatment, luckbox me. I even got a hoodie and a yeti WPT thermos, that things are damn $60 bux, I am drinking from it now! Managed to talk to one of the One Drop Organizers, what a damn cool guy who performs, writes books about Manson and Monroe and does One Drop Stuff.
And before I knew it it was time to play the next day, I went over wizard ranges, read ICM book be Dara and Barry (GREAT one btw to understand wtf a bubble factor is) and made strategy for the 10.4k.
The tourney
cashing was huge for me, so I got in early, and - fuck me what I didn't count on was that even at a damn 40mill guarantee people late reg, so we started fucking 4 handed which I didn't practice for at all with the BB ante Math that makes your ranges wide as hell, RIP. In the end we agreed with my crusher friends it's not highest EV to reg at 200bb at start, but wait for the 100bb if you play cash and are playing WAY lower stakes - a good balance between familiarity and gamble you actually do want.
So anyways I get fullhouse over fullhouse first hand by a guy that was at the wrong table - this stuff happens in a local $40 tourney, I guess Wynn dealers aren't immune from missreading players' tickets. Bro thanked us and left with a quarter of my stack. I played pretty aggro, but didn't get much going and went out on AK v AA.
The next day I went to make the video, and travelled fucking 1.5+ hours to Vegas Wetlands, a swamp they actually do have, who knew because I wanted to do a bit in my video where I Pretrend to be angry after saying how Zen I actually am https://youtu.be/7T3uH6bQX_A?si=QCn8WbG8A4mi-Gbv
So I did that, was there, posted the video and then... I fucking DIED https://www.syfy.com/sites/syfy/files...02/theexpanse_gallery_109recap_04.jpg
Oh my god I was never so sick. Diarrhea, headache, light sensitivity, nose and lungs congested as shit, I couldn't properly walk as I was woozy I thought this might be it, couldn't go downstairs even. As epic as Wynn and Encore are, you do walk, a lot to get to places, especially when you connect between them. All the stress from preparations, arctic flight with a N95 lady who sure enough was coughing deathly near me, travel, party, gyms, tournament, the sickness all got in at once. I wasn't a chicken and didn't tell my contacts to check on me, and for around 30 hours I just was in a dark room, took around 20 baths in the epic Encore bathroom and kept telling the Alexa to close the drapes and turn off the light.
At this point I was in despair, in Vegas I always dreamed of. But then a lightbulb. I am in vegas, America, the place of big corrupt pharma baby! after I was ready to walk I climbed to a pharmacy - CVS, holy shit what a place. Booze, souvenirs, food, and drugs - they have it all. I got like 4 drugs for cough, pains, indigestion, nasal spray that's 10x stronger than what we have in Europe and went to power through it. Goodbye my plan of every day gym and pool, hello to surviving!
The drugs actually helped, a lot, I would later find it was all borrowed time as I am still fucked since that time, I got here good 2 weeks ago.
I managed to travel the strip, and was getting ready for interview with Adam Pliska, the CEO. It was meant to be at Wynn, but they have shit lighting - I guess they always want you to think it's 8pm over there, so I had to hunt for a tripod and LED light. first I got easily, second one, the fucking target that said it would have it didn't - target is a huge electronics store, they have an outlet warehouse in the back, it took ages for the dude to check. So I literally traversed entire vegas to the other side by an uber to get it at last.
content stuff
I had stuff planned, oh yeah - first I got PuertoRican, he might not know it but I was dying. I am a pro though, that interview I had to do only a few cuts in. basically the worse I feel, the more I ramble.
I had another interview right after with the guys from my study group, and I knew I had to do it fast - we did it in my hotel room, then one I was totally fucked in, you can't tell on camera, but I definitely could as I cut down 1.5 hrs into 28 minutes, mostly of my incoherent rambling :D
One Drop
My next goal was to cover the one drop for
-V%C3%A1clavDu%C5%A1ek. It had only 17 entrants which is meh, but Kabrhel was there. That guy is hated in the poker community, abroad. But he is the national hero here in czech republic, going on mainstream interviews all over the place, and all comments saying what a boss he is that he can chat so freely and tilt his opponents. I didn't get to see how be busted however, as WPT CEO Adam Pliska had to reschedule, right as day 2 was starting. I did have a cool thing - Kabrhel had his assistant with him, and had no clue smn speaks czech, so I heard him keep coming back to comment, ask about stack size and keep firing commands at him nonstop :D
The Interview with Adam I knew what I wanted to do. It was the same as with PuertoRican. This one isn't for the views, this one is to connect, and for, let's face it, me. He is a bloody cool guy who stumbled upon the director role, just happy to be there, building the brand. I think the video wasn't viewed too many times in the end, it was the first one I processed without a good starting hook, but I am very happy about it and the chance. I talk to everyone from politicians, and millionaires to homeless people, There's just something about me that is curious about all sorts of irregular people that go beyond the norm.
Well I did that, covered One Drop, again I said fuck it, I am doing research for me - if you watch you watch One drop vid. And then I went to the main event. We were railing both with Vegas santa - I swear to god it was the real santa lol link he was loudly sweating the one drop and the main, the floor had to tell us to quiet down at one point - I had too much fun with Santa.
The production value is pretty much the same as the presidential debate I've been to just months ago on czech national TV - it's a proper studio they built in a damn hotel ballroom, impressive, you couldn't tell a difference from a sound stage much.
Other stuff
Well that was the content stuff, I managed to watch American TV while dying when I could take the light - you have entire shows about finding DNA results of kids, and of customers assaulting staff, fucking A+. The commercials are the bomb especially
this shit is SO CATCHY MAN I can't even - I watched it like 200 times, checked all their jingles.
The Bus
I rode it quite a bit, they don't give a fuck about changing routes without telling you is a bad thing, that they let you our when you ask on a bigass main street is great. The Deuce that goes along the strip is fucking slow and congested like you wouldn't believe - people cry about F1 roadworks etc. I had a lot more fun on the regular people busses that speak in English and Spanish, reminding you that bus fares aren't free.
I had a tour of Chinatown - we have that stuff in czech republic, but it's not so messy.
Food
I got to try the Wynn Buffet. Twice cause it's awesome as shit, I had a gift card I used it for. Second time was dinner evening and unlike the first when I just walked in, I had to wait 1.5hrs to get it. But it was my last day, I was exhausted as hell so YOLO, I waited while listening to pods before the World Championship Final Table I went to watch in the backstage right before I left. Never had a big crab since my then Chinese GF brought a live one home. Later I found out it's not exactly standard, Wynn and the buffet are top tier in Vegas, and Circus Circus and Excalibur or the Strat look cool but are a dated and lower standard than this.
I also managed to try White Castle, it was epic, loved it - I don't know where's all the hate coming from! And I got a huge slurpee form 7/11 at 11 PM for 3 bucks, what a world we live in, I got the same in burger king. I also went to an asian place at the Wynn - now that I think about it, I am a right moron for eating so badly when sick and on drugs, but hey - those places were accessible unlike healthy food :D
I don't know why, but I got hooked on watching Travel Ruby and Vegas Matt ever since, just reading about the other hotels and history. I had no fucking clue they even WERE hotels when I first got there - ain't nobody knows Luxor pyramid is one and not just what vegas built to bring in people. And I had 0 time to do research with all the preparation and MTT study beforehand.
Tipping
This shit is a nightmare - I went to the worlds largest giftshop and they added 15% on, it looked shady and I didn't want to get stabbed so I accepted. I also was leaving tips for the housekeeping in my room - it must have smelled like death after my long sleep in the dark. And it's pretty funny, when I left 8 bucks after it, I had water, toilet paper, they even took my toiletries, and neatly arranged them in geometric shapes on a matt next to the sink, damn amazing!
But then when I only had a buck left in cash that I left them - no water, shapes were good ol' chaos, and I didn't even get a toilet paper, had to use the emergency one :D Damn tipping economics lol. I felt pretty bad about it, but it was a nice social experiment in retrospect.
The toilet is also weird - they have it filled to the brim so your shit falls in the water and doesn't make the bowl dirty. Here we have little water + a brush for everyone and signs that it's usage is free :D
Feeling
Well, I must say I was so exhausted and dead there, I can see the 180 swap in energy from day 2 and end of the stay where I look like a Zombie. It's a shame because I could have done shitloads more interviews and bits, went to Fremont and the pool, gym every day so I'd feel way different afterwards. At least I know what Pepto Bismol is now lol
Way Back I had long layovers, one in Charlotte - I tried to leave the airport, but you need to take an uber, it takes ages, and when I asked how to walk away from that thing they just looked me like a lunatic, and sait there's some secret staff grass pathway somewhere, so I gave up. So I got to go to Munich at least, it was windy and cold as shit, the town is dirty and ugly but has nice old town similar to my home town and I was back home. I left vegas on 21st and returned on 23rd said the calendar as I chased timezones.
I was always lazy as I just made my pod and streams via PokerStrategy, but it is interesting indeed. I have big growth but it can be MUCH higher if I chase trends - so far I just do whatever the hell I feel is right and interesting. The pod with PuertoRican is one of my favourites that won't bring eternal fame, but makes me feel great, and hopefully brings some value to a very small group too.
Going ahead
Well, the past year has been really well exciting - my life totally chaotic as hell, doing various things, and I feel like I will lean into it. Let's face it, in cash games I had the best peers, Llinuslove, Limitless, Pete, Stroggoz and my current group yet I never played higher than NL300 consistently, I will mix in MTTs for sure, learn them, do my thing, be a sellout and try to travel the world when I can if I build up my image some more. And who knows, even meet more of you old schoolers and think of the good old days!
P.S. Yes, this is a fucking ramble, I used this blog instead of my diary, I might add pictures at some point later. Please keep Liquid Poker Going boys!
That's basically what this website is and what any website is anywhere. Click here and get Content. However, it is not a philosophy website. It is not a literature website. It is not a culture website. It is a barely breathing poker website. I am still self-interested in producing something at least some what interesting since that will produce responses and my internet addiction can continue. This is basically a PSA to step it up people. I want to feed my internet addiction and that is difficult to do on this site only yet as I said even 10-12 posters and we talk about interesting stuff is good for me.
So here's the final result of a year of play. Keep in mind I had previously deleted some PLO sessions because I got tired of looking at them in my history, but took another shot and kept those in, so for 2023 I didnt actually make any money at all most likely, probably a slight loser.
I got the flu again, for the 3rd or 4th fucking time this year which really helped wreck my December results. So I must have a pretty bad immune system, going to start taking vitamins and working out a little to strengthen that.
I know that it feels better to get 5 reps heavy on a last set on the deadlift. Certainly feels better than getting a level in Baldur's Gate 3. I want to get a level in real life.
I was talking to my friend the other day saying how I want more adventure in my life. He said that adventure is selfish. On grand scale think of someone like Alexander the Great or the Conquistadors in Aztec Latin America. Fucking murderous greed super selfish.
So, I don't know what I want but at least I got a haircut so at least I have that going for me.
Bro, it feels like I'm on DMT. I've died like 6 or 7 times. I've orgasmed 2 or 3. Fuck. Time has ceased to exist.
I do virtually the same thing each day. I don't know if it's a desirable existance.
I read the Bronze Age Mindset because I thought it might help me in some way. Just a fellow internet dude wondering why life feels so empty. I could definitely use steel and sun. I was actually making good progress in the weight room until I injured my shoulder than just sort of stopped showing up. I remember my shirts (XXL) stopped fitting in the arms and I was like damn this Greyskull really works.
I want to have sex. Good sex. I might start drinking again and smoking again. How am I going to have good sex with out drinking? My sister gets to grow 12 plants in her backyard! Drugs are there to lubricate the adventure. Alas, I'm not going to try to fucking drink or smoke again but I will try to have adventure where I can. Or, I am just too old.
11am - wake up
11:15am - bagel with cream cheese + coffee
12pm - spend some time online
1pm - read Bronze Aged Mindset or a Houellebecq
2pm - gobalagook for lunch
3pm - spend some time online
4pm - Bronze Aged Mindset or a Houellebecq
Then like what the fuck am I even going to do after dinner at ~6pm. Oh yeah, I take frequent naps. More time online and more Bronzed Aged Mindset or a Houellebecq. Then, I am told in Bronzed Aged Mindset to live like Alcibiades or Pedro de Alvarado. Alcibiades is quite epic and surely an exmaple of something. Alvarado was simply a cruel, greedy, murderous conquistador. Bronzed Aged Pervert (BAP) calls people on the left bugmen or vermin..... I am trying to find some meaning from the book because I am desperate. He draws from Nietzsche, Shopenhauer, and Bronze Aged Greece which is a good start. I feel like the rhetoric is just too bonkers although I don't think he is an out and out troll. I actually think he is quite brilliant with what he is doing here I am just not good enough to figure out exactly what he is doing here. It has to do with the far right (hard right) but I haven't figured it all out yet. I feel like Trump is already utitlizing its powers.
I obviously would like to feel more power but I'm out of the military. A military led ruling class eugenics project is out there. It has to do with the Overton window and negotiation. You put military led ruling class eugenics project on the table then something like fascism with stronger stance on immigration doesn't seem so unpalatable.
I'm falling into it too. The left isn't "cool" if these Peter Thiel operations backing the cool kids to make podcasts about how the left isn't cool and the new right is cool I'm falling right into it. And no one wants to be a shitlib.
I don't want military ruling class eugenics projects or fascists or Trumps but I do want politics to be exiting and I want to be "cool" but not at the expense of what can happen. We already have Milei going nuts in Argentina. Let's see how that turns out. And let's rewind a bit to Trump vs Biden. Two very sub-par presidents are going to duke it out again. Good grief.
And all I want is to just feel a bit more. The thing is I perhaps could get it from politics. I'm naturally going to pay more attention as everything ramps up. I'm just stuck in the house due to rain and it has been one too many days of the routine of it all just kind of catching up with me. I snuck out today for some fresh air it just needs to be more of that.
Time for a break from gambling, made a bit but spent it lol. Site is dead where is everyone now. But anyways happy holidays hope y’all are staying great
It feels like an intermission in my life. I changed houses again and now I am staying with my sister. My parents are hogging the tv and I am in different surroundings listening to Hermanos Gutierrez. Really good shit. They are from Ecuador and use late 1950s guitars and old amps and pedals and shit and get a really good sound. I was wondering what I was going to write about. I don't know if I am in the mood for self-reflection. My sister's place is really cool. I don't know if I want to bring up my brother or sister-in-law who were kind of pissing me off. I could share on here but I think the best thing to do is to let it go. I am out of their house. I'll let it go or at least try.
My sister let her guitar go to shit so I am going to take it in to get fixed tomorrow so I can get some playing in.
Ok, cool, the tv is open. I might binge 2nd season of The White Lotus tonight.
God is dead so we should get septum piercings and cover our bodies with tattoos and fuck and suck a lot.
- Anna Khachiyan
God is dead so we need other ways in which to ground ourselves and find meaning in our lives. It's just a shame I can't go to a torrent site and download some soul. I can not help my melancholy. I am Russian after all. Perhaps my neuroticsm could be credited to being Russian as well. Dyosteovsky is my brother.
I am not sure if I can move away from this problem. The problem that God is dead. Spotify suggested that Boulder, Colorado is where I should move based on their data. My siblings ask me when I am going to move to Ohio. My friends in Pennsylvania ask me when I am moving back. A better connection with humans would probably insantly improve my life.
I am going back up to Ohio to live in a log cabin for 2 to 3 days in nature with my family. That is probably a good amount of time before we get on each other's nerves. Then it will be another week or so staying at my sister's place. I have plenty to read and hopefully we do some stuff. At the very least it should be a distraction from what I will end up doing in 2024. I figure I have the rest of 2023 to just do what I want with out distraction and that a more serious job search must commence. I may not get back to that high of reading Baudrillard with seeming freedom. I can at least get a handful of books in before 2024.
I hope the rest of your Decembers go how you would like them to go. I always found this part of the year to be a nice and mostly chill part of the year. That definitely is not true working retail. Thank God I am not working in retail for the rest of the month. See, gratitude. I can be grateful for something.
I could probably be well into a novel at this point if I did not write these blogs. I'd like to try my hand at writing a novel. Just to do something and finish something really hard to do. Everyone says I should paint. I am too broke too paint. I need materials and a studio. It's a shame because I think that is where my talent lies and where paradise exists. I don't think I'm particularly talented at guitar and many times I am not compelled to practice.
Hey hey, looks like I didn't check in in a while here! Shame! Anywho, I realized I sucked, tops I played was NL400 despite literally sweating each other with Limitless and Llinusllove at NL50 and being coached by our own Pete Marshall28, so over the past year I played part time at my NL25-NL100, while working on Presidential campaigns, drinking with senators, doing research for the EU and Government and such.
Couple weeks ago I've jumped back into poker with a blast, taking my mad people skillz I gained to focus on content side at PokerStrategy. I've even went to Bratislava to cover
Polish Poker Championship, and learned many things, like that my equipment sucked.
Luckbox
Well call it destiny, call it fate, or bad slash good luck but the Editor at PokerStrategy who was meant to cover WPT World Championship couldn't make it and I was just casually asked if I want to fill in - hell yes.
So I will be playing the 10.4k event, and will be in Vegas between 11-21st December at WPT and will have media accreditation for the event.
Liquid Poker people, rise up
Simple question team - will anyone be in Vegas and/or will you be playing the WPT during that time? I will do a pod with anyone who will be there from Liquid Poker, publish it here. Team liquid and LP got me into poker, it will be fun to talk about the good old days!
Oh and I need contact on Joeingram, I'm sure one of you old schoolers have it, I want to know what he is up to!
Eating Turkey With Boomers On This Fine Thursdayby RiKD, November 24
First of all, where are you Curbed? I'm going to start calling him CurbedYourEnthusiasm instead of CurbStomp. I picture Curbed that has good fun drinking too much on the weekends and is so much into the bliss machine that is Alan Wake 2 he doesn't have the time to respond to me on his thoughts on the matter. Even though I heard that game is only 20 hours of play. Curbed no longer romanticizes curb stomping people that are different from him. It's like in the movie American History X Edward Norton's charachter moves on from all of that.
So, I ate some food tonight with some boomers. It was kind of rough I'm not going to lie. When is the right time to explain to them that the CIA has probably consulted on every USA movie since it's inception? I mean I'd have to tap in my dude Stroggoz to really get to the bottom of that situation anyway. I just know Iron Man was an anti-arms movie that turned into CIA wet dream pretty pretty quick. I cannot say that that is what happened for every movie since CIA inception although that probably is true.
I have to be careful in what I say so it's not a great situtation. I had to tell myself not to bite the hand that feeds. It's not worth it but that is a shitty situation to be in. It is times like that that it becomes lucid that I am just a desperate pissant.
In a way I am not really sure I agreed with anything that was said. So, not having the power or the freedom to fight back but it's not like it was that serious. 4 moderate boomers just regurgitating the same beliefs they had in university and 1 pissant that has read some stuff that wants to continue to get free lodging and free food.
“I want to talk about everything with at least one person as I talk about things with myself.” ? Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Idiot
Nails it. It's not their fault. What could possibly be expected from a loner that expects so much? I am blowing this out of proportion but I really don't want to bite the hands that feeds and that feeling is repugnant. Something tells me I should sit with that feeling vs hop on a bliss machine ride. There is something there. I may feel I have a one up on a lot of employed people right now but I don't. "HAHAHA careful RiKD don't bite the hand that feeds or else you will be homeless." But we should not be fighting each other. We are on the same team. I don't want someone to have to be homeless if they lose their job. That's the only reason I could lose my job is that I wouldn't be homeless but the only reason I wouldn't be homeless is because my parents take care of me.
I wish everything would have just worked out perfectly. I was the odd person out really. The world runs on moderate boomers not millenial freaks living in their bedroom only leaving the house to walk the dog. At least I am learning the blues for real on the guitar. I left mid-socializing period to go practice. My mom and her friend were talking about a book I will never read and my dad and friend were talking about their choir experiences.
So, 5 hours sitting in that experience is a lot. I want to add that talking about religion, God, politics is mostly just not that interesting and I was just in a mood I suppose. I wish I could be different but I was not.
Wake up. Try to wake up at least. Bagel with non-dairy cream cheese. Coffee with oatmilk. Some sun maybe somewhere and the bowell movement hits at some point in time. We all poop. We all die.
I put a halt on all my reading except for I started reading The Shining by Stephen King. I never read a King novel before just felt intrigued to try one.
Also, Curb you gotta update me on whether Alan Wake 2 is the game or Control. I played the Max Payne's ages ago what a fucking trip those were.
I am hitting a period of NEETdom that starts to feel less focused. As long as my dopamine is getting hit in the right way I am letting it take me away. I have hit the wall on Baudrillard. This is true of both Baudrillard and also Heidegger. Sometimes I find myself in a groove where that is all I want to consume but going to something else and coming back I have lost the love affair. The Pale King by David Foster Wallace I have mixed feelings. Some of it is truly great but it is too much of a project that he was incapable of finishing. What is left over is kind of a mess. In some ways a beautiful mess but you can't convince me that we can all find meaning out of the boredom of doing tax returns. So, I needed something to just scramble it all up a bit and something new.
What Comes After The Meaning Of Life?by RiKD, November 17
Dionysus used to be my homeboy. Now, I just never pick up his calls. He calls less and less often. I would bet that he is drunk. I'm more intersted in Aphrodite. Give me my Helen of Troy please oh please oh please. I had the idea that was influenced by Baudrillard that women are the ones that seduce. Guys are just kind of there and have to not mess it up. Not to say that a man can not be charismatic. It's a movement, it's lack of movement, it's a smell, it's a whole number of things.
Oh well, we don't have enough time tonight to figure it all out and that's ok. That's ok.
How is your week going? Almost time for the weekend? Good Stuff!
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