I'm back in this god forsaken hotel and I just drank a fucking strong coffee. What the fuck am I doing?
Sometimes I wonder what my family says about me behind my back. Being around family for a while they all talked shit about each other including the fucking kids!
I guess I am a true boss though because I don't actually care what they say about me. I am outside of the society to a certain degree. It sucks to be outside of society when you want into society. I don't really know how it feels to be in society. BUT, if I am sort of in society for some benefits but mostly outside of it do avoid the pitfalls it could be alright. No expectations. The stoics talked a lot about this including Seneca. Though they did not talk about fucking Rock N Roll. Fear of God sweatpants and a NIN t-shirt sittin' in a borgeous ass restaurant ordering vegan foods.
Now, I am stuck in this GOD FORSAKEN HOTEL with my parents and they are watching Big Bang Theory and I might just jump out of a window. That is not Rock N Roll.
So, there are periods in my life of Rock N Roll and liberation and there are times in my life where I feel like a caged rat or a slave. Even without a job I am still a slave to money.
Also, this Fear of God sweatpants / NIN tshirt character is not a fucking authentic identity. It's run of the mill hack shit. Same with my tattoos, my beard, my haircut. It's all horseshit hell of the same. It's not original and it's not Rock N Roll. It's all a farce. I just try to wear the clothes I have that are clean and brush my teeth and floss and use mouth wash and make sure to lather a soap over my body and rinse it off. I can't afford any new clothes so what I got is what I got.
Haven’t posted on here in ages. Not even sure if anyone still checks this site regularly…but I started a podcast with my friend Justin Young to help promote our reserved game at The Aria on Table 1. The podcast is fittingly… The table 1 podcast. If you guys are still interested in my poker journey in any capacity this is the place to follow along.
I felt it was time to move past that killing myself hmmmm blog post. I haven't had any suicidal ideations in quite some time and the thread petered out a bit. I'm not sure sure I'm even that thrilled myself to go into further discussion regarding basically hooking up with 20 year olds or married women. I guess since I just wrote that sentence out there is a reason it is not ok socially to date 20 years olds as a 40 year old as it could be construed a bit as manipulation. Not in all cases and like 24 is better than 20. 28 is better than 24, etc. Perhaps there is a bit of manipulation in any seduction or perhaps not. There are enough 24 year olds that I don't have to date 20 year olds, etc. The married woman one is a bit more interesting. I could say I don't think I would do it but if the situation arrived I probably would and don't think there is anything ethically wrong with it.
Anyway, as the title says I am drifting Northward to the Midwest to see family and friends and it should be some good times. Other than that I have been reading a lot of Baudrillard lately. Gotta love that Baudrillard. Oh, how I love me some Baudrillard. I have been joking that's all I can really talk about lately and it's not far from the truth so I will just stop typing and enjoy me some Baudrillard or whatever the hell else I can find to do in this god forsaken hotel room.
Years ago, Nazgul asked me about LiquidPoker Pants, a person I met in China. Upon reflection, I decided that I probably met LiquidPoker pants as a consequence of one or two things. The first might be giving $5 to a wino, and the second might be buying McDonalds for a chinese boy. You're not supposed to do either of these things according to superstition and folklore.
It just feels like a time of reflection. I think I am more depressed and burnt out than I realized. I don't know when to quit this job or how. I was talking to my mom about this and she asked what do I want to do next and the first thing that came to mind was "kill myself." I wish I would not have said it but it was the truth. Now, I've got her all worried and she is giving me suicide prevention phone numbers. I'm in the muck. I'm in the muck of myself and it's not a great place to be. There is no Other to pull me out of this. At least not now.
I was in Las Vegas last weekend to bet on a UFC event. I ended up losing -$600 on UFC bets, but later that night, I was headed to my hotel room and I saw that row of massive slot machines that the casino puts in place in order to milk people a bit more right before they go to sleep.
I saw one of my two favorite slot machines and put in $200 and played 3 hands at $10 per spin. On my third spin, I hit a "10" in the first reel and bricked the other two reels. A 10, 0, and 00 turn the machine red and trigger a second spin, so the machine gave me an extra spin and the second reel showed a "0" while still spinning the last reel -- a couple seconds later, the third reel landed on "00" for a $10k grand jackpot.
Considering I just won $10k, I sat there in an oversized slot machine seat while I checked Twitter for UFC updates and waited for the slot machine attendants to come over and ask me for the usual identification card and "is this the first jackpot you've won with us?" (I've won several handpays before. I won $2400 last year, but $10k is my largest thus far.). Since the machine was so big, everyone who walked by was talking to me and asking me if I was the one who won the jackpot -- I said yeah. The people next to me were more excited about the win than I was. $10k is a lot of money, but it's not life changing, and I know that I'll have to pay 24% in taxes ($2400) when the time comes. I sent the video to my boss and jokingly told him that if it had an extra "0" at the end, I would've called out sick that next week.
I'll be going back to Vegas this weekend for UFC Noche, but it's only for a day trip and to bet a few specific fights. Hopefully I can get lucky on slots again, but I doubt it, so I'll play my usual amount and focus mainly on sports betting like I usually do.
Just felt like it was the most important thing ever to let you know that I am done with Hegel for now. The Phenomenology was enough for now. I like Hegel but he can be annoying to read sometimes and the payout isn't quite as high as for other philosophers. Basically, I am not ready nor in the mood to dive deeper. I'd rather get back to re-reading Nietzsche. I'm hitting up the trifecta of Nietzsche coming of age meaning Human, All Too Human, The Gay Science, and Thus Spoke Zarathustra. Then, I have some Heidegger that I have been wanting to get through. It's kind of a lot. We get all these books without necessarily thinking about the time to read them all. I'm trying not to race through them either. The best books should be read slowly making sure to absorb every last drop. That is probably an impossible task so really I just enjoy reading and whatever follows follows.
It's funny no one commenting on my anti-religion comments. I understand that #1 there are not many people on this site anymore but more importantly this idea that God is dead and we killed him (Nietzsche) is almost some sort of non-chalant truth these days. Nietzsche wrote that in the early 1880s?
God is dead and we killed him. God is dead and no one cares (Trent Reznor). In a lot of circles it is just not that big of a deal. I get it and I am happy for it. Even though I am not sure what replaces it?
The Other, Nature, Music, Philosophy... something like that?
I don't like my job but I like the benefits and the money it is bringing in. What do I do? I don't know what to do.
I am always tired. It's classic Burnout Society. I've read that book 5+ times and I still end up there.
I hit it off with my barber today. That was fun. We just talked about anime, video games, and music. She has a boyfriend but gave me her card and told me to friend her on facebook. I should have said I don't have facebook because I don't. She said we should go lift together. I am unsure what I am going to do about this situation. It would be nice to have a new friend. I suppose it's easier to just ghost the situation but she cuts my hair well too so I would like her to cut my hair in the future.
I don't know man. Today I was thinking about people on LP that I miss. Then, in poker that I miss but that was all around 15 years ago. I have to find new friends. Real friends. True companions. I need to find The Other.
It all started when I saw TillerMaN was not going to be playing in the WarIII WCG because he was playing poker. Then, I saw Rekrul and Elky and the bunch doing well. I put $150 on Stars and never looked back. Then, I was a pussy and took a job at one of my highest earning potentials in poker. Then, I booked a flight for Buenos Aires, Argentina. I remember I didn't tell anyone I was going until the day of I asked my mom to take me to the airport. But, this is all ages ago.
Are you playing Starfield or Baldur's Gate 3?
I am playing Baldur's Gate 3 for now but a friend told me I have to play Starfield.
So, I've got 2 blogs at the top. Hopefully, we get a travel blog from PuertoRican, a live poker blog from DoomeR in which he crushes the game that day, some weird blog from lostaccount with weird YouTube videos of Christ and who knows what else, I'm probably forgetting some people. NewbSaibot is going to have a disciplined September and win $5k+ in NLHE. I still have love for the LP Spirit albeit its shoddy state in 2023.
Not included is 5.6k in losses playing PLO. July results are skewed from deleting PLO session data. I dont think I'll be playing PLO again any time soon, the game runs too big and I dont seem to be comprehending the training very well.
Thanks to punting sufficiently I have been invited back tonight at 4pm on https://www.youtube.com/@BigBetPokerLIVE. If you care to watch leave a comment or something rooting so they know I sent ya. <3 would appreciate it
Hey LPers. It's been a long time. I just wanted to let you guys know I still play poker fulltime. I've been playing a lot on WSOP.com in recent years and befriended Jeremiah Williams. He was nice enough to get me an invite to the https://www.youtube.com/@BigBetPokerLIVE cashgame tomorrow (august 23rd). I don't have any social media presence or anything. So figured I'd make a blog post and see if any of you are interested or care enough to go watch/root for me that would definitely increase my chances of getting invited back in the future. Fingers crossed I don't punt too hard but no promises. My name is AJ btw for anyone that doesn't know. The stream starts at 4pm las Vegas time iirc and will go til 9pm. its 25/50+50bb ante probably 50/100 by the end of it. I believe we will have the 27 game on the entire time and lots of standup game.
I don't have much to post from my summer 2023 trip, as I went to the same countries and did similar stuff as last year.
My girlfriend and I ended up breaking up a couple weeks after I arrived in Belarus because I wasn't ready to marry her like I thought I was, and she didn't want to spend another year in a long distance relationship. We're still friends and we still talk online, but we felt it was better to separate and focus on our own lives.
After I left Belarus, I decided to skip my trip to Cyprus and go to the Philippines instead. While in the Philippines, I had fun on Day 1, then had diarrhea on Day 2, then felt good on Day 3. On Day 4, I felt bad again and ended up getting a serious viral infection that forced me to stay in my apartment for a few days before I booked an early flight home so I could go to the Emergency Room. I was able to mostly recover 10 days after that in time to go back to work.
After I returned to work, my stomach hurt for an entire week and I was crazy constipated, but I am luckily back to normal now as of today.
I will be going to Las Vegas this coming Friday so I can have a short vacation and bet on UFC 292, so I'm excited about that.
Overall, summer 2023 had some okay moments, but it was probably one of the worst summers I've had in a long time, both mentally and physically. I am healthy again and I am currently in my second week back to work. I don't have any plans to travel outside of America until 2024, but as of now, I don't have countries I'm excited to visit, and I don't want to travel internationally again until I get excited about traveling abroad again.
Most people are only concerned with living and not concerned with living well. (Aristotle)
No one is actually free. In current society it is impossible. I try to get free in writing these blogs but I probably only overly expose myself un-needingly. The fact is I was bored. Lying in bed staring at the wall waiting for my laundry to finish. In reality, I was not really waiting for anything except maybe an idea or a realization. My bed is too comfortable for that. I usually just end up falling asleep but not tonight. I am confined in my bed and I am confined at this computer. I am un-confined in Nature. I am un-confined in Dance. I am un-confined writing here? I can write whatever I want. I stare at the blank space and then I create.
I am a lonely boy. I am trying to be strong and alone but having a taste of human connection I want more. I crave the Other even though I can never quite wrap my hands around it. There is a comfort in comfort. In a way I fear the madness of loving an Other but it is the only thing that will drag me out of this depression and burnout. I was so tired after work on Sunday I fell asleep sitting up at my computer. The tiredness can be maddening so I don't see why it is not maybe worthwhile to trade that in for the madness of the Other. Ha, even though I have only found 1 meeting I can get to in a week that I do not dislike going to. I don't know exactly what I'm looking for and I don't know if I will recognize it if I see it. For now, I sit and listen for The Other in music and painting and in everyday civilians. It can be in a look but that is too superficial. A look meaning physical appearance. It can be more so in a look from Another. I have found Others in the past but we don't need to meander there at this juncture.
And again the blank space. And again. And again. It is very much a human trait to fill in the blank space with something. Lying in my bed there are so many possibilities. Sitting here at the keyboard there are so many possibilities. Maybe I am not capable of writing a good novel or a good philosophical essay but I can write. Perhaps it is a better use of my time than scrolling through X. There is a lot of debate about masturbation. I have never found The Other watching pornography. Just some minor relief through sexual objectification. I could be playing Baldur's Gate 3 right now! I think I would prefer to read and write.
In The Agony of Eros Byung-Chul Han talks about Bare Life, bare survival, bare living. There are many people out there only focused on health and survival rather than how to live well. Many people have little options in this area. They can barely manage bare life but even in these cases a concern for living well can make a difference. I know when I was unemployed and dead broke I couldn't afford medical visits but there were things I could do to improve my quality of living. Maybe one of the easiest is meditation. All you need is a place to sit and be capable of breathing. Yeah, it's fun to have a lamborghini but is it worth it?
And, should we be measuring things in fun, pleasure, entertainment?
Most hourly workers make time and a half when we go into overtime. That complicates things. But even so does that extra 10% worked equal an extra 10% in fun, pleasure, entertainment and AGAIN is this really what we should be focusing on?
I like this idea of working for VIRTUE but it's kind of a joke to consider this under capitalism. So, in reality I am working for bare life and then what I can blot out the consciousness with circus. It's horrendous! What if I can work for human connection, The Other, physical movement of the body (exersize, BJJ, dance, tai chi, etc.)?
I miss kissing. The problem with sex workers is that their kiss is a manipulative kiss. They know what they are doing and it's a great kiss but their end is for John to empty his pockets. Civilians may not be as good at kissing but there is something more authentic as they get wet and more excited. It is a mutual seduction. I can hit every position and every frame just how I want to and the sex worker can act a great performance but there is something missing. I am trying to figure out if it would be any different if I were to just cuddle with a sex worker. I wonder if we would produce Oxytocin. Both of us. I wonder if there would be feelings of connection, bonding, and trust. I could use all of that over just simple sexual gratification. Ejaculating into some cum rag and feeling better than empty for a period of time but it generally quickly vanishes as if it never happened.
Burial made Archangel in 20 min. That is astonishing to me. His dog had just died and you can feel the emotion in the song.
I can cuddle with my cat but he really doesn't like cuddling. I need a full size human. Possibly even a big girl.
If models were made for modeling, big girls were made for cuddling. (Andre 3000)
I am pretty wide in my taste for women.
I went back and listened to the stuff I was doing on Ableton. It's actually not bad. I wouldn't change it. I just don't know how to get to a higher level on new stuff. Another thought is that the guitar is more pure music. I don't know. I also just don't know how I would improve at Ableton unless I took lessons from someone really good. But, it seems like all the best just put in a lot of hours teaching themselves and had natural talent. It's a lot of work learning all the ins and outs and then all the ancilliary stuff like the tech. Deciding on a mic and an audio interface and a MIDI keyboard isn't all that hard to do but then hooking it all up and getting it to work is another hurdle.
We'll see what happens. Honestly, the madness of Eros is somewhat dangerous for me because it is inline with mania and psychosis. I think I have to take that chance though. Depression and burnout are worse. The Hell hellish psychosis brings is not better than the inferno of the same though. It's a tricky dance. I gotta take the chance. I gotta roll the dice. I need to put myself in position for The Other. A fat ass in a jumpsuit is lust. She hasn't even made amends to her parents yet and her foot was jiggling like crazy in the meeting. Damn.
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