plus blog que blog - Page 4

Just trying to hit you with some of the deeper cuts.

So, we don't have to make deeper cuts. Trent knows what I'm talking about.

I thought we had more time.

Too many friends I've lost. I thought we had more time. We live a slow slave death but it is not that slow. It accellerates. I could slit my wrists but that is way too violent. The fast way is always too violent. It is better to figure out a reasonable slow slave death. A reasonable slow slave life.

I think some people get a warm, fuzzy feeling from Disneyworld. I did not even as a kid. I got my warm, fuzzy feelings from alcohol. Starting with that first Guiness I drank in Dublin in the 7th grade. That is my Disneyworld but luckily it's all fake. A fantasy. I can never recreate that moment. I can never get it back. Sometimes life feels like a low buzzing hum. It doesn't matter. Like they say with anxiety it will peak and pass and that has always been the case for me. I don't know if I get any warm and fuzzy feelings today. I guess it's not something to live life for. It's easier to ramble down the rabbithole but that's no way to spend a life either.

I need a lift like 30 min. ago. The gym will be too crowded now I have to wait until 8pm or so. Bodybuilding and Baudrillard is all I have. I just ordered a secondary source last night and I hope it's good. It's supposedly the best on Baudrillard. I never really messed with secondary sources but the Queen Bee of the philosophy server said it's a good idea. I will take the suggestion. I still want to finish Symbolic Exchange and Death and Seduction and then it's probably a good time to read the secondary source. It was written in 1989 so covers most of Baudrillard's best work imo.

I am happy I have a place to talk about my suicidal ideations. My brother's dog recently got put down. They pumped him full of sedatives before administering the lethal injection. It's not a bad way to go. They let the dog live far too long imo. I think I still have some living in me. Overdosing on Demoral and Fentanyl is probably not a bad way to go. You can tell I am uneasy about this. If I die it's been a decent run... I lived and I did things.

I've always had social anxiety. In high school I would wear 3 shirts and sweat through all of them. Drinking helped but it never went away. I think I've always been a bit shy and generally feel like an outsider. Drinking fixed that. There was a point that I got rid of a lot of the masks. I definitely had to mask hardcore as a gregarious, silver tongued salesmen. It worked in dating too. The alcohol allowed me to wear those masks. When I quit alcohol and stripped down the masks I was ok with that person but I am back to being shy and feeling like an outsider. The only social sphere I have found is that of one. Me, myself, and I sitting in my nice desk chair, listening to Nine Inch Nails, and typing up blog posts... Stone cold sober and alone.

Alcholics Anonymous would probably call me a dry drunk. That's ok. Maybe I am but too many folks are in your face religious and platitudey for my taste. I don't have any meaning, I don't have a God of my understanding, I don't have a higher power. Helping people is nice.

Too many damn personalities and I have to sit there and listen to them ramble for minutes at a time.

I'm always wearing some mask and I'm probably not even aware of it. I've stripped down so many masks and fads maybe I am at the point where I realize there is performance in every and all facets of life.

Maybe I just need a good sponsor and some friends...

I know I need a job.

I know. I'm sharing more and more and more. A little bit faster, now, overcome inertia but this website has mostly contributed to inertia. I need an outside force. An extracurricular force.

2 days ago I got further in my exposure therapy than ever before. I want to rest on my laurels but now is the time to push further.

I can only chalk it up to Eros.

The Other. The invisible Other. If I could just find my foreign, invisible Other. There is a trace, there is a residue. I can smell it. That is what is slightly improving the vector of inertia. I find bread crumbs.

Time to take my medications and eat a banana and some dark chocolate. Some nights I get this grand idea that I'll just stop taking my meds and exciting things will happen. Give in to letting my sleep schedule slide and see what I can get into. It is just a part of being me. "When will I self-destruct?" "When will I fuck this up?" It is not healthy but it is what it is. It's there. It exists in my mind. It probably is something I should talk to my therapist about. I don't know how to get rid of it. I never have. In reading NewbSaibot's recent blog I was wondering if he has those thoughts. Should we have an honest talk about bankroll management? Should we have an honest talk about dating?

I am a pariah. I am a heretic. I need speed to accomplish things. When I'm on speed I want more speed. It is a trial to keep my sleeping schedule in check. 200mg of caffeine in one gulp is starting to not feel like a lot. I have to reel it in. So many things to keep in check and I am not even working.

I eat my cheerios, drive my Toyota Rav4, and mow the lawn like any good USA citizen.

I want more. I get in these moods when I want more. Nothing will satiate me.

A walk in the charcoal desert

I could see all the family size Cheerios boxes piling up. The clean Toyota Rav4s in the driveways. There were USA flags and Jeep Wranglers and Ford F-150s too. Don't forget the sprinklers, the lawn-mowers and the sprinkler systems.

Another Friday night, another Friday night alone.

The palm trees were purple. The sky was pink. The magnolias mauve. The lantana lavendar.

I kept my gait strong. Andante: slow walking pace. I keep my gait strong. Andante: slow walking pace. I will keep my gait strong. Andante: slow walking pace.

Need 2 read. Need 4 speed. Speed then read.

"What are you doing after the orgy?"
"Going to the masked ball, of course."

I go back and forth on this self-imposed ban on video games. I could really use one about now. Take some speed and play video games. Really get some epic dopamine spikes going. Ride it as far as it will go.

No video games for me! I just finished Symbolic Exchange and Death and acheived some dopamine points. Not my favorite. Didn't get much out of it which is frustrating. Oh well. On to the next one. Seduction by Jean Baudrillard. It's a Pick Up Artist (PUA) Manual. I can't wait to go to da club and pick up Hot Babes (HBs)!