I think the novelty of the philosophy server has run out. I come here as a last resort. I'm sick of the book I'm reading. I'm going to finish the damn thing though. Life of a NEET. I am contemplating which video game might give me a spark. Which is basically saying I want dopamine by any means necessary (minus drugs and alcohol). Since I can't take amphetamines or cocaine might as well settle for a video game but it has to be good. My last video game I bought I played it for 1 night and never came back (Grim Dawn). It was $5. Not a big deal.
I don't think I have any misconceptions that this post will stir up any action. I just have to do something until my next meal and this happens to be it. I have a lot of muscle memory for this sort of thing. At the end of the day, I chock it up to "reflection."
"Reflection"
That is like "educational" video essays from dubious sources. Read a book idiot!
I've realized nothing can move forward until the exposure therapy moves forward.
I used to associate Fridays with finally being able to drink a lot and not being a freak. That was in highschool. It continued in college. We would get happy hour wings and drinks at the bar down the way and drink all night until stupor. Poker took over Fridays. Then drinking took over Fridays once again. I think I feel a bit lonelier on a Friday night versus a Tuesday night today.
The good news is I'm back on Baudrillard baby! I decided on Symbolic Exchange and Death. I am just letting my Kindle charge up and I'm ready.
All the reading I did and it doesn't really prepare me for this book (Symbolic Exhcange and Death). I needed to read Saussure on anagrams, Mauss on gift exchange, and Freud on death. Whelp, I'm pushing through anyways. If it's a problem I can always google or chatGPT...........................................
I am reasonably charming in the right crowd. Except all I can talk about is Baudrillard. Which is anti-charming in most circles. They don't even talk about Baudrillard down at the philosophy server. Every now and again you find someone that wants to talk about simulation but that seems to never go well. It's the same with Nietzsche. That is the best bet to find someone who wants to talk about Nietzsche within a social sphere. That only went well one time and we really hit it off. He was writing a book on something I can't remember what but we had bonafide discourse on Nietzsche in a pizza parlor and it was great.
Some people like reading The New York Times for their news consumption. Not a horrible way to go in my estimations. If I was a real socialite I would read The New York Times every morning to stay up on what to talk about. Right now, it does not matter. I have discourse with Baudrillard by reading more Baudrillard. No secondary sources either. Oh baby, I like it raw. Oh baby, I like it RAAAWWW.
I'm a strange one. This is the life I lead. Watch the years tick away. It does not feel that fast but May is almost half way over. Where did the last 10 years go?
Soon, I will take my meds with food. A brownie and oat milk. I will get sleepy and then we'll start it up again tomorrow. I train shoulders tomorrow. It's all about the small detail of a jacked medial deltoid with the proper ratio of the anterior deltoid and the posterior deltoid. Some call them canteloupe delts. Bodybuilding and Baudrillard. It all started with bodybuilding and Being and Nothingness in 2010. That was the start of my philosophy journey. I don't have the same reverence for Sartre as I did in the past but come on it's Sartre! He's a legend!
I'm just lazying about slowly getting ready to get to a Bach concerto and I am going to eat some French foods after. I will probably read some Baudrillard before I brush my teeth and shower. One has to make sure to brush ones' teeth and shower.
The only way to beat capitalism is to kill myself.
One can wrestle away some capital from capital and die a slow slave death. That is what I am hoping for. I am ok with that. CEOs are slaves too. They are dying slow slave deaths as well. It's slow slave death or fast violent death. That is it. There is not even a risking of ones' life to acheive masterdom over slavedom. That's not even a real option anymore.
I'm just listening to some Steve Reich, just groovin'.
I was just at a concert that was advertised as Bach and shit and it turns out the "shit" was some fucking far out avant-garde shit that I was really into. It made me feel. It had me tearing up. I'm such a hipster it was their second performance of the music.
Man, just sittin' here sippin' on some white tea, just groovin'.
In summary:
- We are slaves to capital and we die slow slave deaths.... deal with it.
- Music = good
Especially what can bring us to feel
- White tea is lovely
I just touched some grass. It was a surreal experience. All these years I thought I was in a beautiful gated community. It turns out it's all a charcoal desert. Occasionally, a Range Rover will pass on the street or a hawk will fly by in the sky. This place lacks meaning. Reality has disappeared. It is ok though the dog needed a walk and I needed a walk too.
Once one sees the charcoal desert it is difficult to unsee. Which one is the hallucination? Many swear they have been red pilled but what is the truth? There are only interprations. It is weird to see the charcoal desert and then there is a cyber-truck that drives by. Maybe there is nothing more real than that today. There are Jeep Wranglers, Ford Broncos, and more Range Rovers. There are Mercedez-Benz, Audis, and BMWs. There are so many houses, so many basketball hoops, so many lawn-mowers. The green grass crackles over the charcoal desert floor like a glitch. There are $50 haircuts and $500 lawn-mowers. A vestige of a blue sky I swear I could see but no the sky was black like the abyss. The void, the cars, the hawk.
I had an idea that I wanted corn flour tortillas like they have at the good street taco trucks. In my imagination staring into the void, into the abyss, this was a good idea. It turns out I don't like corn flour tortillas. At least not the ones one can get in the grocery store. Everywhere I go is a charcoal desert. Those corn flour tortillas shone like a shining beacon to guide me through the abyss but alas I am left with nothing. Ich habe Nichts. I have nothing.
Who is fascinated by the fascinating? Everyone on planet Earth or just the ADHDers? It's a battle to find the most fascinating. I think there is some percentage chance that I am autistic and have ADHD. I was always good at reading people though. That's the hold up with autism. I am heavily autistic in every other category.
A fun way to spend some time is to take some xanax (2x) and listen to Grimes Visions album. Say what you want about Grimes but you can't take that vibe away from her.
I don't like to think about my death. Especially, if it's the self-inflicted fast and violent kind of death. I don't think that I would like to use a gun. Maybe a noose. I have oral surgery coming up and I am a little uneasy about it. I saw that I will be on Demerol and Fentanyl. Demerol was Don Gately's drug of choice in Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace. Fentanyl is what is killing everyone on the streets. It's all part of dying a slow slave death. It's hard to get out of this thing alive (impossible). It's hard to get out of this thing alive with out surgery along the way. The part that kind of pisses me off is that it's nothing I did. My oral hygeine is great according to two dentists. Oh well, it is what it is. Another wrinkle is if the Tylenol doesn't work are they going to put me on Oxys? My policy has always been if it's prescribed by a Doctor I'll take it and just be careful but I don't know how addicting those things are.
I have to get this stuff off of my chest here because it's seemingly the only place I can go. Does the social anxiety cause the autism or the autism cause the social anxiety? Why am I more interested in things than people? Has it always been that way? etc etc etc
I am going with the music loud and big in the headphones tonight.
My personality is heavily influenced by whatever I am into at the time. Also, I think I had a better personality when I was drinking. What I am saying is unless you want to talk about Baudrillard or his influences I have a pretty crap personality.
If I am being honest, in a way, I am looking forward to going on Demerol and Fentanyl. That's a freebie. Doctor's orders. Let's just hope it doesn't kill me. I've had way too many homies die messing around with Fentanyl. The dentist has to ruin a good time with oral surgery. Yeah, I would prefer not to.
Is there anyone out there who thinks they are not effected by fads?
Sometimes I can't decide whether posting in this blog is better than doomscrolling Reddit. Sometimes I test the waters over at Reddit and it feels awful. I'm just sadge that the Baudrillard I'm currently reading (Symbolic Exchange and Death) is not hittin' like later Baudrillard. It's not even that dense for a Baudrillard but it doesn't have the playful aspect that is later work has. I'll finish it and then go onto Seduction which I think will be good. Seduction is the key to his later works so I would imagine a full book dedicated to that topic will be illuminating. Maybe not though. Who knows? It's just not the greatest feeling when you are reading a book and not getting that much out of it. Sometimes it marinates and all comes together. Sometimes it doesn't. We'll see with Seduction. Right now 80s Baudrillard is peak Baudrillard and I look forward to re-reading Simulucra and Simulation and Fatal Strategies.
What a relief it is to not feel like I have to turn over stones to find meaning. I can just live this slow slave death or kill myself in a fast flourish of violence. It doesn't really matter. Meaning may come back or it may not. Who even knows when it left?
My ADHD keeps things pretty simple. The most fascinating wins. Sometimes it is the best to just let it happen but I don't want that principle to run my life. I ban myself from video games.
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United States. May 07 2025 05:05. Posts 9399
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