plus blog que blog - Page 2

"His arid years in suburbia." Story of my life.

Page 2. Fresh page. Now it's time to really get cooking....

If we are in a simulation how would we live differently? I don't think anyone knows enough about the nature of simulation to answer that question. The nature of death could be different. It starts getting into the realm of science fiction.

I beat another exposure therapy level today. It was gratifying. I'm still so far away from where I want to be but I have to take my battles where I can get them.

I know I was making fun of the analytic nerds and the wannabe Kant scholars down at the philosophy server. First of all, not everyone there fits into those 2 categories neatly or at all. Second of all, I'm probably just jealous. They are all smart and very well read and communicate well. Some of them are getting paid to do philosophy for a living. I am just jealous.

It is freeing to read Baudrillard and know that authenticity is impossible. Just as meaning has disappeared. Even reality has disappeared. That is not to say that it can not reappear. It is like the chances we are in a simulation. How does one even solve an equation like that?

There were reasons I bought all the clothes that are in my closet and dresser drawers. I am currently wearing charcoal shorts from China I bought off of Amazon, a floral print shirt I got at Target, a turqoise hoody from Gildan, bread and boxer black boxer briefs, and raspberry socks I got from Nike. I'm not exactly sure what that says about me but my appearances do tell a story. I am also wearing Yves Saint Laurent la nuit de l'homme. I have a short buzzcut and neat, short beard. This is what people are basing their reads on me. I walk slow. I am quiet. I could over-perform an attempt to be someone else but it will likely falter. It is best to not lie. Sometimes we wear masks to survive. They are apart of us but obviously are not us. You could say that authenticity is determined. I don't even want to say the words vibe, cooking, slop, etc. but out they come in context. My personality is a fad. I can't help it and neither can you.

My current outfit was about $50. Not bad.

Any plans for the summer?

Yeah, I'm taking the private jet to the South of France in August.

philosophy server
semiotics
philosophy server
McLuhan
philosophy server
semiotics
philosophy server
McLuhan

How long can I last?

I tapped out. Had to get some food and study some German. Now, the question is can I get back on the train?

I can't sleep. I was chatting all night on the philosophy server. Discord has the potential to take more attention than anything else I've encountered. The quality of attention is a little better than doomscrolling reddit or twitter or posting blogs here or even "educational" YouTube videos though. Not always but what could be better than a live stimulating discussion on philosophy with actual scholars?

I'm gettin' after it in the gym. Just had the realization that at this point it's all about consistancy and just adding a little bit of weight or a rep or so each session. Progress should be thought about in cycles and even years versus getting mad you only improved by 1 rep or the fact that I can't just slam 20 more pounds on the machine and crush it.

My biggest weakness is my diet. I tend to not eat enough and I don't eat enough protein. It's been sort of working out so far as I still need to lose weight (205 lbs. @ 6'2''). I don't know what my target weight should be. Maybe like 195 lbs. I have no desire to diet down to sub-10% body fat. I have probably been close to that twice in my life at 165 lbs.

It's interesting with the German. I'm surprised how much of it has stayed with me through the years. I studied 4 years in high school and 2 quarters in university. That is peak time learning age besides being a child. That was all 20+ years ago though my progress through DuoLingo now is much slower. If I would have moved to Berlin instead of Argentina I think my German would be fluent. My Spanish learning was too crunched together. I was obviously more interested in playing poker and partying. At the time my practical Spanish got pretty good but I didn't have the depth and breath of grammar and vocab like I had in German. Spanish was also 18 or so years ago. It sucks getting old.

Why am I learning German? I don't know it's something to do. I have no expectations to read German Idealism like some German Idealism freak. Maybe Hegel would make more sense in German.

Both Baudrillard and Byung-Chul Han learned German to read Hölderlin. Maybe that should be the goal. More realistic than reading Kant, Hegel, or Heidegger in German.

Obviously, it would be nice to read French too but my French is shit and I am not going to learn it fast enough / well enough on DuoLingo at 40 years old. It's the same for anything substantial in German too. Not going to happen on DuoLingo at 40 years old.

I suppose at this point I should be grateful for being able to read McLuhan in my mother tongue and the textbook on semiotics I'm reading. English is probably the most valuable language to know? I guess I should be grateful for that. I'm grateful for having a decent enough education in English. I think my high school offered summer school classes for languages. Pretty stupid not to enroll there. The hack was to take gym in summer school. Such a no brainer I wish I knew about sooner. Oh well, I'm getting pretty nit picky here. Although my life is pretty arid at the moment I am grateful that I am alive. I would probably take never being born over being alive but that is different than wishing I was dead or comitting suicide. Like I said, I have the hesitation marks. The impulse here is to overshare but I'll pass for now. I have the hesitation marks and that is the story.

I am grateful for the beautiful. It is a beautiful simulation that tends to keep the ugly hidden. That is if you live an isolated life in a gated community in affluent suburbia. Where millionaires eat cornflakes and hot dogs (McLuhan).

Poll: Would you risk $100 to win $100m in the lottery?
(Vote): Yes
(Vote): No

100 tickets over 100 days.

I don't even know if the lottery draws once per day or once per week?

It's not textbook "+EV" but it is a good gambling decision overall especially for someone that is in poverty and has no chance at making millions. $100 in a year for most people is not going to be missed while $100 million is seriously life changing money. That is richer than God money. That is easy retirement with ridiculous amounts to spend money. My biggest issue with winning the lottery is I would want to be anonymous and I don't know if there is anyway to achieve that apart from changing my appearance, changing my name, and moving to Berlin.

On April 30 2025 04:23 RiKD wrote: Yeah, I'm taking the private jet to the South of France in August.

The talk down at the ole' philosophy server tonight was getting into an MA or Phd Philosophy program. I've always held this delusional belief that I could get a Philosophy PhD if I really tried. Multiple therapists have told me this. After tonight I think that delusion is dead. I don't have the GPA, I don't have the philosophy course credits, I don't have the letters of recomendation, I don't have the writing samples, I don't have the money... It's dead. In a way I was pretty low about this but I think I'm over it. It is a case that is closed. I can just read philosophy on the side if I want or I could just read literature or I could just read nothing and play video games. It sucks that I half assed college and I half assed poker but I can't change that now. I just have to find something that I can survive on and take it from there.