I'm deep in theory. What a magical time. I am about half way through Mythologies by Roland Barthes. Then, I have The Medium is the Massage by McLuhan, Elements of Semiology by Barthes, and Society of the Spectacle by Debord up next but no one gives a shit.
That is really what this blog post is about. How no one gives a shit. Being an autodidact is a very solitary pursuit by definition. I joined a philosophy channel on Discord and they don't really give a shit either. It's mostly analytic academics. I don't fit in. The server is too active. Reddit has nothing for me besides the occasional Google search. I kind of despise Chat GPT but it can be somewhat useful.
My poor mom has to hear earfuls of the stuff I'm reading. At least she says she enjoys it to a point.
I'm just lonely. I went in hard on some Baudrillard. I think up to 2 weeks have flown by. I don't know if I even thought to be lonely then. Mythologies by Barthes is ok. It is a good intro to semiotics. A nice break from the denser and more opaque Baudrillard. Although, Baudrillard fascinates me. He seduces me. He haunts me.
There is no where for the autodidact to go except to touch grass and deal with it. Academia is a pipedream. It has been ever since I did not major in philosophy and chose poker over academics.
And the elephant in the room is that I need a job. I know, I know. I need a job. That is tremendous toil. If I did not have hypertrophy training and theory I would be in real trouble. The toil and the void would be too great.
Overcoming inertia in entropy. In a simulation the only thing left to do is play the game. All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players (Shakespeare).
To all Canadians in the thread I apologize. (Doctor) Marshall McLuhan was Canadian. Born in Edmonton and died in Toronto he is a real Canadian hero. A PhD from Cambridge in English it's a dream to read his untranslated English in works such as Understanding Media.
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In other news, for anyone that is hitting plateaus in the gym and generally not having a great go of it I highly suggest taking a break. I took a week off, switched up all the exercises, and lowered volume and generally feel great again in the gym.
***
I regret not reading more in my teens and twenties. I also could have taken better advantage of university. All you had to do was ask an advisor to take more classes and they would let you do it if you showed you could succeed. Then you could take even more classes. You could potentially double the course work for the same price.
Before poker I took a philosophy 101 class and got the highest grade in the class even though the professor was a douche and the subject was lame ass medieval philosophy like St. Thomas Aquinas. The TA made recitation magical though. In my family the men major in STEM primarily chemistry. I was too much of a coward to switch to philosophy.
Unfortunately, I didn't know about the increased course load for free hack until my junior year.
After poker nothing mattered because I was going to play poker no matter what. Taking so many courses my senior year definitely hurt poker though.
I did have some great experiences.
I think I am having these university reflections because I am hanging out a lot in a philosophy server with a lot of students and academics. After talking more and more I don't feel like as much of an outcast even though I am. I don't know how much it helps me in my current situation but it is enjoyable to have people to talk philosophy with.
I was spending some time in the philosophy server tonight and it seemed like the theme was all the students were freaking out over what they were doing with their lives. It was a collective anxiety I don't think I have ever seen before. It's impossible to go back and change things. As long as there is a poker boom, that is what is going to take over my life. I don't think I ever avoid alcoholism and mental illness hitting me like a freight train either.
I now have 11 years sober from drugs and alcohol. I forgot until the other day.
Just sitting here listening to some Lorn things don't seem that bad. What an incredible sound designer / composer Lorn is by the way.
So, I sit here with 11 years sobriety and I haven't been in the psych ward for years now but I am afraid to drive places and exposure therapy is not working fast enough.
Anyone else have "hesitation marks"? My therapist constantly reminds me that I am lucky to be alive. Sometimes it does not feel that lucky. I am grateful to be alive in this moment. Hypertrophy training, music, and theory keep me alive. I am grateful I can read what I want when I want. I don't have to write any more fucking essays on St. Thomas Aquinas! I don't want to be outside the margins of society though. I still have to find my way in my 40s. Sad. At least I understand authenticity to be impossible, truth to have disappeared, meaning to have disappeared, reality to have disapeared. We are living in a simulation folks. Narrative is gone, ritual is gone, the only thing left is seduction and ludic play. Recognizing that my personalities are mostly fads. My masks performative albeit necessary to survive. I have a stronger core. I have spirit. My soul is free to roam. We play the simulated game. I am doing well in some aspects and not so well in others. Inertia is my enemy unless I get on the right track. Can we make order out of entropy? Is cleaning my room the antidote to chaos? What is the antidote to information?
Randomness, chaos, disorder is what we deal with every day whether it feels like it or not. I wake up and eat some oatmeal, I go to the gym, I read a book. Is the world corrupt? How do we make it out of whatever we are in? I need something from the outside to change my course. The Other has disappeared. I call her Zara. Where is she? I need high art like the ballet and the symphony. High art like Zara. Seduction and ludic play. I flirt with the woman at the front desk at the gym. How could I not? They can't take this away from me. Her eyes and smile let me know that I am still alive. More so then the perfect 8 reps I mechanically muster at the bench press, although that is great too.
The first time I ever went to a Vegas club we paid some shady guy to get us past the line but we did not know to get bottle service at a table. I almost got kicked out for dancing on a table with the go go dancers. I probably could have done with less Vegas club attendance in my life but if I'm honest there were definitely some good times.
There is this notion that marijuana just makes people lazy. That's not my experience. There are different kinds for different activities. Was it a good thing that I was high for months at a time? Probably not. In my experiences marijuana could be great for putting in volume but not the best for developing ones' game. Different alchemies that we were working on definitely produced some good outcomes at the tables and away from the tables.
We only went out to the famed clubs in Vallarta one night. There were some German cokeheads that wanted coke and orgy. We did not find any coke so there was no orgy. We went to a strip club and found out that these women were trafficked from Russia. [CENSORED] was telling them we'd break them out. This strip club was mafia owned. It got a little scary but we made it out alive.
I don't remember much else about that night besides sharing some joints overlooking the ocean and talking about whatever for hours as the sunrose.
That's what I really miss. Sitting on a patio and shooting the shit. Not chatter. Some real conversation. I saw a friend about 2 weeks ago and spent the afternoon on a patio but it would be nice to have that 2 times a week at least with different audiences. A girlfriend is asking too much at the moment. I need my shit together and independence first.
You are right though lostaccount. Experiences are typically more valuable than consumer goods. I have some stuff that I like. A watch that I've never worn. What sucks is that we are coerced into toiling away for 8 or more hours in a day and then the time we have left we are coerced to consume, rinse, repeat. That is what I got out of Debord. The less than 1/3 we have to ourselves is in a world that capitalism created. We don't escape capitalism in our leisure time. Some may even call it a hellscape. It does not have to be that way but as Han says it is not leisure time. It's rest for work. We have to make ourselves immune to the imagination of desire and want that comes with the void. There are sharp ways to go about things.
Shit. Look at all this slop. But, I have nothing to do and I can't sleep yet so let's accelerate. Get this mo fucker to page 2! Part 2!
Part 2
RiKD has not really been relevant since 2009. I should have disappeared and never came back. This is still true of today. My best move everytime I open up the site would be to close the page and never come back again.
Or, this blog is the only vestige of a ritual I have left... (I just like the word vestige)
What am I going to become a Catholic?
At least I am not looking under rocks for Meaning.
I need to rethink my life. I get off all social media but Discord now creeps up and I am spending too much time there. This server is filled up with too many analytic nerds and wannabe Kant scholars. When it is good it is good though. Story of The Digital. When it is good it is good though but is it really good though?
So, I come back here for some semblance of something. There is no semblance of something. I am just writing to myself.
If we are in a simulation how would we live differently? I don't think anyone knows enough about the nature of simulation to answer that question. The nature of death could be different. It starts getting into the realm of science fiction.
I beat another exposure therapy level today. It was gratifying. I'm still so far away from where I want to be but I have to take my battles where I can get them.
I know I was making fun of the analytic nerds and the wannabe Kant scholars down at the philosophy server. First of all, not everyone there fits into those 2 categories neatly or at all. Second of all, I'm probably just jealous. They are all smart and very well read and communicate well. Some of them are getting paid to do philosophy for a living. I am just jealous.
It is freeing to read Baudrillard and know that authenticity is impossible. Just as meaning has disappeared. Even reality has disappeared. That is not to say that it can not reappear. It is like the chances we are in a simulation. How does one even solve an equation like that?
There were reasons I bought all the clothes that are in my closet and dresser drawers. I am currently wearing charcoal shorts from China I bought off of Amazon, a floral print shirt I got at Target, a turqoise hoody from Gildan, bread and boxer black boxer briefs, and raspberry socks I got from Nike. I'm not exactly sure what that says about me but my appearances do tell a story. I am also wearing Yves Saint Laurent la nuit de l'homme. I have a short buzzcut and neat, short beard. This is what people are basing their reads on me. I walk slow. I am quiet. I could over-perform an attempt to be someone else but it will likely falter. It is best to not lie. Sometimes we wear masks to survive. They are apart of us but obviously are not us. You could say that authenticity is determined. I don't even want to say the words vibe, cooking, slop, etc. but out they come in context. My personality is a fad. I can't help it and neither can you.
I can't sleep. I was chatting all night on the philosophy server. Discord has the potential to take more attention than anything else I've encountered. The quality of attention is a little better than doomscrolling reddit or twitter or posting blogs here or even "educational" YouTube videos though. Not always but what could be better than a live stimulating discussion on philosophy with actual scholars?
I'm gettin' after it in the gym. Just had the realization that at this point it's all about consistancy and just adding a little bit of weight or a rep or so each session. Progress should be thought about in cycles and even years versus getting mad you only improved by 1 rep or the fact that I can't just slam 20 more pounds on the machine and crush it.
My biggest weakness is my diet. I tend to not eat enough and I don't eat enough protein. It's been sort of working out so far as I still need to lose weight (205 lbs. @ 6'2''). I don't know what my target weight should be. Maybe like 195 lbs. I have no desire to diet down to sub-10% body fat. I have probably been close to that twice in my life at 165 lbs.
It's interesting with the German. I'm surprised how much of it has stayed with me through the years. I studied 4 years in high school and 2 quarters in university. That is peak time learning age besides being a child. That was all 20+ years ago though my progress through DuoLingo now is much slower. If I would have moved to Berlin instead of Argentina I think my German would be fluent. My Spanish learning was too crunched together. I was obviously more interested in playing poker and partying. At the time my practical Spanish got pretty good but I didn't have the depth and breath of grammar and vocab like I had in German. Spanish was also 18 or so years ago. It sucks getting old.
Why am I learning German? I don't know it's something to do. I have no expectations to read German Idealism like some German Idealism freak. Maybe Hegel would make more sense in German.
Both Baudrillard and Byung-Chul Han learned German to read Hölderlin. Maybe that should be the goal. More realistic than reading Kant, Hegel, or Heidegger in German.
Obviously, it would be nice to read French too but my French is shit and I am not going to learn it fast enough / well enough on DuoLingo at 40 years old. It's the same for anything substantial in German too. Not going to happen on DuoLingo at 40 years old.
I suppose at this point I should be grateful for being able to read McLuhan in my mother tongue and the textbook on semiotics I'm reading. English is probably the most valuable language to know? I guess I should be grateful for that. I'm grateful for having a decent enough education in English. I think my high school offered summer school classes for languages. Pretty stupid not to enroll there. The hack was to take gym in summer school. Such a no brainer I wish I knew about sooner. Oh well, I'm getting pretty nit picky here. Although my life is pretty arid at the moment I am grateful that I am alive. I would probably take never being born over being alive but that is different than wishing I was dead or comitting suicide. Like I said, I have the hesitation marks. The impulse here is to overshare but I'll pass for now. I have the hesitation marks and that is the story.
I am grateful for the beautiful. It is a beautiful simulation that tends to keep the ugly hidden. That is if you live an isolated life in a gated community in affluent suburbia. Where millionaires eat cornflakes and hot dogs (McLuhan).
I don't even know if the lottery draws once per day or once per week?
It's not textbook "+EV" but it is a good gambling decision overall especially for someone that is in poverty and has no chance at making millions. $100 in a year for most people is not going to be missed while $100 million is seriously life changing money. That is richer than God money. That is easy retirement with ridiculous amounts to spend money. My biggest issue with winning the lottery is I would want to be anonymous and I don't know if there is anyway to achieve that apart from changing my appearance, changing my name, and moving to Berlin.
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PuertoRican United States. May 04 2025 23:42. Posts 13213
On April 30 2025 04:23 RiKD wrote:
Yeah, I'm taking the private jet to the South of France in August.
The talk down at the ole' philosophy server tonight was getting into an MA or Phd Philosophy program. I've always held this delusional belief that I could get a Philosophy PhD if I really tried. Multiple therapists have told me this. After tonight I think that delusion is dead. I don't have the GPA, I don't have the philosophy course credits, I don't have the letters of recomendation, I don't have the writing samples, I don't have the money... It's dead. In a way I was pretty low about this but I think I'm over it. It is a case that is closed. I can just read philosophy on the side if I want or I could just read literature or I could just read nothing and play video games. It sucks that I half assed college and I half assed poker but I can't change that now. I just have to find something that I can survive on and take it from there.
I think the novelty of the philosophy server has run out. I come here as a last resort. I'm sick of the book I'm reading. I'm going to finish the damn thing though. Life of a NEET. I am contemplating which video game might give me a spark. Which is basically saying I want dopamine by any means necessary (minus drugs and alcohol). Since I can't take amphetamines or cocaine might as well settle for a video game but it has to be good. My last video game I bought I played it for 1 night and never came back (Grim Dawn). It was $5. Not a big deal.
I don't think I have any misconceptions that this post will stir up any action. I just have to do something until my next meal and this happens to be it. I have a lot of muscle memory for this sort of thing. At the end of the day, I chock it up to "reflection."
"Reflection"
That is like "educational" video essays from dubious sources. Read a book idiot!
I've realized nothing can move forward until the exposure therapy moves forward.
I used to associate Fridays with finally being able to drink a lot and not being a freak. That was in highschool. It continued in college. We would get happy hour wings and drinks at the bar down the way and drink all night until stupor. Poker took over Fridays. Then drinking took over Fridays once again. I think I feel a bit lonelier on a Friday night versus a Tuesday night today.
The good news is I'm back on Baudrillard baby! I decided on Symbolic Exchange and Death. I am just letting my Kindle charge up and I'm ready.
All the reading I did and it doesn't really prepare me for this book (Symbolic Exhcange and Death). I needed to read Saussure on anagrams, Mauss on gift exchange, and Freud on death. Whelp, I'm pushing through anyways. If it's a problem I can always google or chatGPT...........................................
I am reasonably charming in the right crowd. Except all I can talk about is Baudrillard. Which is anti-charming in most circles. They don't even talk about Baudrillard down at the philosophy server. Every now and again you find someone that wants to talk about simulation but that seems to never go well. It's the same with Nietzsche. That is the best bet to find someone who wants to talk about Nietzsche within a social sphere. That only went well one time and we really hit it off. He was writing a book on something I can't remember what but we had bonafide discourse on Nietzsche in a pizza parlor and it was great.
Some people like reading The New York Times for their news consumption. Not a horrible way to go in my estimations. If I was a real socialite I would read The New York Times every morning to stay up on what to talk about. Right now, it does not matter. I have discourse with Baudrillard by reading more Baudrillard. No secondary sources either. Oh baby, I like it raw. Oh baby, I like it RAAAWWW.
I'm a strange one. This is the life I lead. Watch the years tick away. It does not feel that fast but May is almost half way over. Where did the last 10 years go?
Soon, I will take my meds with food. A brownie and oat milk. I will get sleepy and then we'll start it up again tomorrow. I train shoulders tomorrow. It's all about the small detail of a jacked medial deltoid with the proper ratio of the anterior deltoid and the posterior deltoid. Some call them canteloupe delts. Bodybuilding and Baudrillard. It all started with bodybuilding and Being and Nothingness in 2010. That was the start of my philosophy journey. I don't have the same reverence for Sartre as I did in the past but come on it's Sartre! He's a legend!
I'm just lazying about slowly getting ready to get to a Bach concerto and I am going to eat some French foods after. I will probably read some Baudrillard before I brush my teeth and shower. One has to make sure to brush ones' teeth and shower.
The only way to beat capitalism is to kill myself.
One can wrestle away some capital from capital and die a slow slave death. That is what I am hoping for. I am ok with that. CEOs are slaves too. They are dying slow slave deaths as well. It's slow slave death or fast violent death. That is it. There is not even a risking of ones' life to acheive masterdom over slavedom. That's not even a real option anymore.
I'm just listening to some Steve Reich, just groovin'.
I was just at a concert that was advertised as Bach and shit and it turns out the "shit" was some fucking far out avant-garde shit that I was really into. It made me feel. It had me tearing up. I'm such a hipster it was their second performance of the music.
Man, just sittin' here sippin' on some white tea, just groovin'.
In summary:
- We are slaves to capital and we die slow slave deaths.... deal with it.
- Music = good
Especially what can bring us to feel
- White tea is lovely
I just touched some grass. It was a surreal experience. All these years I thought I was in a beautiful gated community. It turns out it's all a charcoal desert. Occasionally, a Range Rover will pass on the street or a hawk will fly by in the sky. This place lacks meaning. Reality has disappeared. It is ok though the dog needed a walk and I needed a walk too.
Once one sees the charcoal desert it is difficult to unsee. Which one is the hallucination? Many swear they have been red pilled but what is the truth? There are only interprations. It is weird to see the charcoal desert and then there is a cyber-truck that drives by. Maybe there is nothing more real than that today. There are Jeep Wranglers, Ford Broncos, and more Range Rovers. There are Mercedez-Benz, Audis, and BMWs. There are so many houses, so many basketball hoops, so many lawn-mowers. The green grass crackles over the charcoal desert floor like a glitch. There are $50 haircuts and $500 lawn-mowers. A vestige of a blue sky I swear I could see but no the sky was black like the abyss. The void, the cars, the hawk.
I had an idea that I wanted corn flour tortillas like they have at the good street taco trucks. In my imagination staring into the void, into the abyss, this was a good idea. It turns out I don't like corn flour tortillas. At least not the ones one can get in the grocery store. Everywhere I go is a charcoal desert. Those corn flour tortillas shone like a shining beacon to guide me through the abyss but alas I am left with nothing. Ich habe Nichts. I have nothing.
Who is fascinated by the fascinating? Everyone on planet Earth or just the ADHDers? It's a battle to find the most fascinating. I think there is some percentage chance that I am autistic and have ADHD. I was always good at reading people though. That's the hold up with autism. I am heavily autistic in every other category.
A fun way to spend some time is to take some xanax (2x) and listen to Grimes Visions album. Say what you want about Grimes but you can't take that vibe away from her.
I don't like to think about my death. Especially, if it's the self-inflicted fast and violent kind of death. I don't think that I would like to use a gun. Maybe a noose. I have oral surgery coming up and I am a little uneasy about it. I saw that I will be on Demerol and Fentanyl. Demerol was Don Gately's drug of choice in Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace. Fentanyl is what is killing everyone on the streets. It's all part of dying a slow slave death. It's hard to get out of this thing alive (impossible). It's hard to get out of this thing alive with out surgery along the way. The part that kind of pisses me off is that it's nothing I did. My oral hygeine is great according to two dentists. Oh well, it is what it is. Another wrinkle is if the Tylenol doesn't work are they going to put me on Oxys? My policy has always been if it's prescribed by a Doctor I'll take it and just be careful but I don't know how addicting those things are.
I have to get this stuff off of my chest here because it's seemingly the only place I can go. Does the social anxiety cause the autism or the autism cause the social anxiety? Why am I more interested in things than people? Has it always been that way? etc etc etc
I am going with the music loud and big in the headphones tonight.
My personality is heavily influenced by whatever I am into at the time. Also, I think I had a better personality when I was drinking. What I am saying is unless you want to talk about Baudrillard or his influences I have a pretty crap personality.
If I am being honest, in a way, I am looking forward to going on Demerol and Fentanyl. That's a freebie. Doctor's orders. Let's just hope it doesn't kill me. I've had way too many homies die messing around with Fentanyl. The dentist has to ruin a good time with oral surgery. Yeah, I would prefer not to.
Is there anyone out there who thinks they are not effected by fads?
Sometimes I can't decide whether posting in this blog is better than doomscrolling Reddit. Sometimes I test the waters over at Reddit and it feels awful. I'm just sadge that the Baudrillard I'm currently reading (Symbolic Exchange and Death) is not hittin' like later Baudrillard. It's not even that dense for a Baudrillard but it doesn't have the playful aspect that is later work has. I'll finish it and then go onto Seduction which I think will be good. Seduction is the key to his later works so I would imagine a full book dedicated to that topic will be illuminating. Maybe not though. Who knows? It's just not the greatest feeling when you are reading a book and not getting that much out of it. Sometimes it marinates and all comes together. Sometimes it doesn't. We'll see with Seduction. Right now 80s Baudrillard is peak Baudrillard and I look forward to re-reading Simulucra and Simulation and Fatal Strategies.
What a relief it is to not feel like I have to turn over stones to find meaning. I can just live this slow slave death or kill myself in a fast flourish of violence. It doesn't really matter. Meaning may come back or it may not. Who even knows when it left?
My ADHD keeps things pretty simple. The most fascinating wins. Sometimes it is the best to just let it happen but I don't want that principle to run my life. I ban myself from video games.
Too many friends I've lost. I thought we had more time. We live a slow slave death but it is not that slow. It accellerates. I could slit my wrists but that is way too violent. The fast way is always too violent. It is better to figure out a reasonable slow slave death. A reasonable slow slave life.
I think some people get a warm, fuzzy feeling from Disneyworld. I did not even as a kid. I got my warm, fuzzy feelings from alcohol. Starting with that first Guiness I drank in Dublin in the 7th grade. That is my Disneyworld but luckily it's all fake. A fantasy. I can never recreate that moment. I can never get it back. Sometimes life feels like a low buzzing hum. It doesn't matter. Like they say with anxiety it will peak and pass and that has always been the case for me. I don't know if I get any warm and fuzzy feelings today. I guess it's not something to live life for. It's easier to ramble down the rabbithole but that's no way to spend a life either.
I need a lift like 30 min. ago. The gym will be too crowded now I have to wait until 8pm or so. Bodybuilding and Baudrillard is all I have. I just ordered a secondary source last night and I hope it's good. It's supposedly the best on Baudrillard. I never really messed with secondary sources but the Queen Bee of the philosophy server said it's a good idea. I will take the suggestion. I still want to finish Symbolic Exchange and Death and Seduction and then it's probably a good time to read the secondary source. It was written in 1989 so covers most of Baudrillard's best work imo.
I am happy I have a place to talk about my suicidal ideations. My brother's dog recently got put down. They pumped him full of sedatives before administering the lethal injection. It's not a bad way to go. They let the dog live far too long imo. I think I still have some living in me. Overdosing on Demoral and Fentanyl is probably not a bad way to go. You can tell I am uneasy about this. If I die it's been a decent run... I lived and I did things.
I've always had social anxiety. In high school I would wear 3 shirts and sweat through all of them. Drinking helped but it never went away. I think I've always been a bit shy and generally feel like an outsider. Drinking fixed that. There was a point that I got rid of a lot of the masks. I definitely had to mask hardcore as a gregarious, silver tongued salesmen. It worked in dating too. The alcohol allowed me to wear those masks. When I quit alcohol and stripped down the masks I was ok with that person but I am back to being shy and feeling like an outsider. The only social sphere I have found is that of one. Me, myself, and I sitting in my nice desk chair, listening to Nine Inch Nails, and typing up blog posts... Stone cold sober and alone.
Alcholics Anonymous would probably call me a dry drunk. That's ok. Maybe I am but too many folks are in your face religious and platitudey for my taste. I don't have any meaning, I don't have a God of my understanding, I don't have a higher power. Helping people is nice.
Too many damn personalities and I have to sit there and listen to them ramble for minutes at a time.
I'm always wearing some mask and I'm probably not even aware of it. I've stripped down so many masks and fads maybe I am at the point where I realize there is performance in every and all facets of life.
I know. I'm sharing more and more and more. A little bit faster, now, overcome inertia but this website has mostly contributed to inertia. I need an outside force. An extracurricular force.
2 days ago I got further in my exposure therapy than ever before. I want to rest on my laurels but now is the time to push further.
The Other. The invisible Other. If I could just find my foreign, invisible Other. There is a trace, there is a residue. I can smell it. That is what is slightly improving the vector of inertia. I find bread crumbs.
Time to take my medications and eat a banana and some dark chocolate. Some nights I get this grand idea that I'll just stop taking my meds and exciting things will happen. Give in to letting my sleep schedule slide and see what I can get into. It is just a part of being me. "When will I self-destruct?" "When will I fuck this up?" It is not healthy but it is what it is. It's there. It exists in my mind. It probably is something I should talk to my therapist about. I don't know how to get rid of it. I never have. In reading NewbSaibot's recent blog I was wondering if he has those thoughts. Should we have an honest talk about bankroll management? Should we have an honest talk about dating?
I am a pariah. I am a heretic. I need speed to accomplish things. When I'm on speed I want more speed. It is a trial to keep my sleeping schedule in check. 200mg of caffeine in one gulp is starting to not feel like a lot. I have to reel it in. So many things to keep in check and I am not even working.
I eat my cheerios, drive my Toyota Rav4, and mow the lawn like any good USA citizen.
I could see all the family size Cheerios boxes piling up. The clean Toyota Rav4s in the driveways. There were USA flags and Jeep Wranglers and Ford F-150s too. Don't forget the sprinklers, the lawn-mowers and the sprinkler systems.
I kept my gait strong. Andante: slow walking pace. I keep my gait strong. Andante: slow walking pace. I will keep my gait strong. Andante: slow walking pace.
I go back and forth on this self-imposed ban on video games. I could really use one about now. Take some speed and play video games. Really get some epic dopamine spikes going. Ride it as far as it will go.
No video games for me! I just finished Symbolic Exchange and Death and acheived some dopamine points. Not my favorite. Didn't get much out of it which is frustrating. Oh well. On to the next one. Seduction by Jean Baudrillard. It's a Pick Up Artist (PUA) Manual. I can't wait to go to da club and pick up Hot Babes (HBs)!
I'm bout to mange on some pancakes and drink loads of speed. Probably going to induce a mania but I need the speed to accomplish anything. I don't know how long I can last not playing video games and just reading Baudrillard and going to the philosophy server. I badly need to touch some grass. I don't know why all my addictions are swirling around like this. Like some fucking vultures.
We are all going to die. Our hearts will stop. The blood will cease to flow to the brain.
Today was kind of crazy. I haven't touched a musical instrument or Ableton for as long as I can remember then today I made music all day. A proper bender. I told you the the addiction vultures were circling. My plan was to get locked-in and read but I only read the introduction.
I could masturbate to pornography only one time in a week and something happens to my male gaze. It takes a while to snap out of it. I'm not just going to blame it on the libido. Women should not be minimized to sex objects.
It's hard to make music if you don't play any musical instruments. I'm so out-gunned by Beethoven, there is no metaphor that could even do it justice. Maybe I'll sulk in the corner and get back to reading Baudrillard. Nah, the problem is the music bug is still in me. That's not a bad thing. If I compose my own stuff and improve at my own instruments it's better than lounging in the philosophy server all night or posting on here. If I spent all my days looking for jobs, bodybuilding, walking, music, and reading that would be pretty good.
The thing about Abelton is it is sterile and banal. Any number of drummers are more interesting than a drum machine. Any number of bassists are more interesting than a pre-set stock of bass sounds that I either place with my mouse and keyboard or "play" it on a 24 key MIDI-controller. There is no physical playing of an instrument. There is no movement. I would love an 88 key synthesizer but it doesn't even really matter because I have minimal piano training. My skills in the guitar fall short of any number of things I would like to do with the instrument. The only aspect that is up to par of where I would want to be is vocals.
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PuertoRican United States. May 19 2025 23:37. Posts 13213
This shit is getting me lol. I have the need to read so can't watch the full hour but I checked out his channel and it definitely looks rabbit hole worthy. Might have to check it out at like 3am when I can't sleep. I saw he had an anti-natalist video 12 years ago. Is that how you found him?
Watched the end. Is that performance art, neurodivergence, or both?
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PuertoRican United States. May 22 2025 02:29. Posts 13213
On May 22 2025 00:40 RiKD wrote:
This shit is getting me lol. I have the need to read so can't watch the full hour but I checked out his channel and it definitely looks rabbit hole worthy. Might have to check it out at like 3am when I can't sleep. I saw he had an anti-natalist video 12 years ago. Is that how you found him?
Watched the end. Is that performance art, neurodivergence, or both?
No, I didn't know about this one. He has a lot of classics, rabbit hole worthy indeed.
fuck I should just sell some of my Pokemon cards, if no one stakes that is what I will have to do - lostaccount
Another Friday night, another Friday alone. Sometimes I thrive at this time but not tonight. I really immersed myself in music the last couple of days and feel a little burnt out. I finally got myself a digital synthesizer to design sounds. That was enjoyable for a while. I created some decent synths. I created more really shitty ones. If you ask me "how do I make a dreamy synth for x?" I might get one close but it would more so be by accident than skill. If you allow me to just play it by ear I can come up with something interesting. I also got a shit ton of plug-ins for Ableton Live; too many. I feel like less than 10% are any good but I might just have to play around with them more.
I am at a point where I can do the 4 bar loop. God, I'm so fucking sick of the 4 bar loop but I can work in that arena and come up with something compelling. When I want to step out and do something a little more avant garde is where there are some growing pains. Some of the tracks and sounds are compelling while other portions are slop. It is all music therapy regardless.
The music has been drowning out the philosophy lately. I'm still reading Baudrillard. I have had a lot of thoughts on it too but have not felt like sharing.
I plan on sleeping in tomorrow, drinking some coffee, bodybuilding and going for a walk. If I feel like making music I will. It has been something I've been trying to work at every day. That is the only way to get good at anything. It's not good to go on benders and bust cycles.
Damn it, I want to fuck around with some Boris and Sunn O))) but again I'm afraid to tune down my Epiphone SG with normal guage strings. Standard tuning is boring as fuck. Not as bad as 4 bar loops but shit!
It's interesting, both Wata from Boris and Greg from sunn O))) use custom Gibson Les Pauls. I wonder if they make any modifications to adjust to the tuning. A# is fucking 3 steps down for a standard guitar! That is lower than a baritone guitar! It is hard to believe one can just throw some heavier strings on a standard guitar without some other modifications.
Then, there is the issue of the amp. It might be a lot of fun becoming an amp enthusiast but the amp I have is perfectly fine for anything I would want to do. I could tinker around with plugging my guitar into my audio interface and messing around with digital effects but there is nothing quite like physical effects pedals and loud sound coming out of a speaker. The problem with effects pedals is they probably averge $100 per pedal and I don't have any money.
In the meantime, I can play Black Sabbath which is acceptable. Here again is the problem with the void and consumption. My imagination is that if I had a Custom Gibson Les Paul with expensive thick strings tuned way down, a handful of effects pedals, and an Orange amp playing Boris that I would be happy. I probably would be happy for a while. Then, I wouldn't be. What would that cost me? $7k? Unrealistic to say the least and my ADHD ass would play Boris for 1 (probably blissful hyper-focused) hour then find another shiny ball.
I'm all over the place. I am jumping all over the place. Sometimes it is difficult being neurodivergent as fuck. I should try and get some sleep. At least I got sleep last night, went to the gym, and went for a walk. All of those things ground me and are super important.
I crushed leg day today. One of the best feelings. I played my guitar loud. I went for a walk. I finished the Baudrillard. I watched a Solo Leveling (anime). All of these wonderful things and I feel dissatisfied now. The void is real. It's always there, waiting. I think if I keep listening to music and typing things might get a little better.
I wish to play my guitar loud but the suburbs are sleeping. Maybe I'll practice some unamplified scales.
Page 6 is chugging along. I have this Baudrillard secondary source that keeps looking at me wanting to be read. My guitar likes to be touched. It's just a lazy Holiday Monday. I slept in and had some coffee.
At the gym today there was a woman so beautiful I was seduced almost instantly. The lighting on her silhouette was divine. I wanted to please her which means I was seduced. She does not even know who I am which means that she was not seduced.
How can I mess up 111 replies and 1337 views? I just messed it up that's how!
I just want to be good at something. I just want to be great at something.
I've been practicing a lot of scales lately. Today, I tried to do it with my eyes closed and succeeded almost. I was so close to getting one perfect but it was pretty slow but the notes rang well. I have to build back up. I was never that good at the guitar but I can build up stronger. I have to believe that.
I was just thinking, I have a gaming computer, gaming keyboard, and a gaming mouse and I never game anymore. I have been compulsively playing the guitar lately though. The guitar has always been a good way for me to cope with existence. Better than gaming. I told myself NO GAMING but I did not really set any parameters on that.
Solo Leveling makes me want to play video games but it makes me want to level up in real life more. I finished season 1 it's a great show, if you like anime, check it out.
After discussing it with the guitar server it seems the biggest issues with downtuning to A# is getting the right thickness in the strings (obviously) but the issue is whether or not the tuning pegs will "hold the tune." Another thing to consider is scale length on the guitar. Epiphone guitars (SG and Les Paul) are both at 24.75'' which is reasonable but my knock off Fender Stratocaster (which is a piece of shit basically) has a scale length of 25.5''. Ideally, I buy an Epiphone Les Paul and make that my downtune guitar but I don't even have money for a restring and certainly not a new guitar so this obsession will just remain an obsession.
On May 30 2025 04:44 Loco wrote:
You could ask for a Digitech The Drop for your birthday/xmas
This is a great suggestion. After looking at some reviews on Reddit and YouTube it appears things can get muddy a few steps down through a clean amp but I'm never going to be downtuning with a clean amp so it should be good to go. I couldn't tell you why it works better with distortion but it does. Thank you.
a.) Get an Epiphone Les Paul ($800) and heavy strings ($50+)
b.) Get a Digital The Drop ($225)
Life is boring with out an obsession. I have been losing interest in Boris as well. Their discography after 2006 is not great and I can only listen to the earlier stuff so much.
This is what I am learning now:
John Mayer on Channel Orange inspired me to buy a guitar. That and Shine On You Crazy Diamond by Pink Floyd (David Gilmour).
John Mayer has always struck me as being a douche bag but I like his playing.
I find this Baudrillardian idea of the object versus the subject compelling. There is no way a human individual has a chance versus media, information, and the masses. The herd that has numbers and inertia on their side. I am trying to figure out how to best use this observation. Baudrillard himself said that theory is the only way to combat this predicament. Writing theory was key for Baudrillard but understanding good theory maybe there is a chance for the rest of us. A chance at what? I don't know.
I think the point is this Sartrean idea of Freedom with a capital F is shit. There is no freedom and there never was. Reality has dissapeared, meaning has dissapeared, there is no such thing as authenticity. What are we supposed to do with these searing interpretations?
It's nothing more than a game we can choose to play or not play but we will be playing it all the same.
I just deleted a stupid blog post about these things because I realize it is stupid. This post is stupid too but less stupid than if I would have posted the other post.
I will say that gaming and playing the guitar all day is not good on the hands. I mean it is good on practicing hand coordination but probably not good in terms of hand health.
I don't know how enjoyable Grim Dawn will be anymore anyways. I beat it for the first time and then went to the hardest dungeon in the game. My lvl 20 somethings aren't nearly as stimulating.
I don't know. It's probably Flood then Feedbacker. Dronevil is definitely up there though.
I just finished Jean Baudrillard by Douglas Kellner. It was pretty good but now I have to figure out what I'm going to read next. Whether that is philosophy or maybe I just want to read some really good English literature. I'm not sure what to read after Baudrillard. Zizek seems like a potential play but I don't know. I could also re-read Byung-Chul Han in its entirety. I'll figure something out.
Without Baudrillard or Grim Dawn I don't know what I am going to do with my life apart from the guitar. My death knight was just starting to get really good and fun so I guess I can find post-endgame stuff to do. I could start on Path of Exile 2 but I heard that game can completely take over your life.
I asked a Baudrillard scholar what should I read after reading Baudrillard and she said, "Read more Baudrillard!"
So, I am listening. I'm reading Cool Memories. There is definitely some gold in there but I don't know if it's all that great so far. It's more journal entry / aphorism type of stuff. It's kind of a relaxing read so I don't mind it too much.
I didn't realize there was a lot of extra DLC (downloadable content) for Grim Dawn. I'm playing through it and my death knight is peaking. It is enjoyable to feel like a God in some aspect of life. It's motivating to level up in real life. Bodybuilding and guitar are the two main areas. I'm glad I am taking some time to improve on the guitar on my own. I am practicing on Paranoid by Black Sabbath. I didn't know how to do a vibrato, hammer on, pull off, slide up, slide down and that seems a bit ridiculous to me that my teacher never went over any of those things in the time that I was his student.
I warmed up my breathing by singing Frank Ocean on the way to the gym today. Breathing is very important in lifting weights. I think I got in a couple of extra reps today due to proper breathing. That and I was full of caffeine and an attitude of attacking the weights. I really pushed myself today. It feels really good. There was this little Asian woman in there today that was going H*A*M. I had my Gojira t-shirt on. I had a fantasy that she was Japanese (or French or a metalhead) and would comment on the t-shirt and then we would seduce each other and go on a date. She is Japanese in the fantasy because I have been consuming a whole lot of Japanese art lately without really meaning to. Boris and Solo Leveling being the most prevalent although I think Solo Leveling was a Korean web comic that was adapted to Japanese anime.
Vibrato with the voice just comes naturally as most things come with the voice. It is mostly genetics and learning how to breathe. Vibrato on the guitar is more fun to get a vibrato to my liking. It takes some practice but when I get it right it really sings.
I don't know why I am posting every personal thought like a madman but it's been kind of a rough day and I am perhaps a madman.
I had oral surgery this morning. Thankfully, everything went really well. I think in the waivers it literally said there was a 1% chance of death or something like that which doesn't seem high but I played enough hands of poker to know that you don't want to bet your life on it.
The Demoral and Fentanyl was a nothing burger. There was no high I was just in some sort of twilight where I don't remember anything. The last thing I remember we were talking about one of my tattoos and then it's nothing until I woke up from a long nap at home. Pretty bizzare.
I prayed to the Amplifier Gods. They seem to treat me well. Even though I have been practicing mostly out of an un-amped electric for it seems like a long time now (I mostly play at night when my parents are sleeping). I have this feeling of surviving. I should live life and play my guitar loud even if it's just through a clean amp. But, like women's vaginas guitar amps like to be wet. Hmmmm, who knows what the amp wants? Guitar pedals like to make amps wet. I just play through a Boss OS-2 if I wanted it a litle heavy. It has overdrive and distortion. I don't think it was rated very well. I bought it when I had more money and little sense. I think if I had money today I would get some Earthquaker Devices. A fuzz and a delay and a pedal box setup for ease of use.
I can't take my Amoxicillin until a couple of hours. Kind of annoying. I would prefer to be sleeping.
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PuertoRican United States. Jun 13 2025 23:26. Posts 13213
Thanks for sharing. I just sat and listened to it the whole way through. It will not be my last listen. I have a feeling leg day tomorrow is going to go well with it blasting through my headphones.
Young Loco killing it on the guitar. You made it look easy.
Not nearly as hard as their other songs, especially on the following album Awaken the Dreamers. Check it out too. More technical and varied, with some insane shredding. A little less brutal but some awesome grooves there too. https://youtu.be/VRc4wZJ7tuQ
fuck I should just sell some of my Pokemon cards, if no one stakes that is what I will have to do - lostaccount
I listened to Awaken the Dreamers today in the gym. To be honest, I don't have much of a review because I was locked-in on the weights and I am biased by your comments. I listened through the whole album so went with The Price of Existence for my last sets and TPoE is more brutal. I like more brutal. At least in this case.
Not that biased is a bad thing. The album was everything you said it would be and more.
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Just kind of feels like a lazy Saturday. I am reading Baudrillard: Cool Memories. Not his best work and it is taking me a while to read it. Whatever. I read my sister's book too which came out last Friday. She asked me to write a review and I am blanking. Luckily, I did enjoy the book. I don't want to be the first review for some reason. I doubt there is anyone here who would like to read her book considering it is Romantasy (Romance + Fantasy) but if there is I can put a link here. It's a good story.
I am in one of those modes where I am not playing the guitar that much. Scales get stale and the song I was working on got to a point where it felt like I hit a plateau. The good guitarists would seize the moment and smash through the plateau until they get the song perfect but I am not a good guitarist. I just want another song that I can get excited about and work on the skills I need. There is no such thing as things falling into my lap. I have to do some research. I have to practice.
It's hard to compete with Grim Dawn at the moment. Any endeavour. Grim Dawn is peaking as I get my first character closer and closer to lvl 100. It is the first time doing any number of things. It's just a great ARPG. The best one I have ever played (I haven't played POE or POE 2). Steps of Torment runs are still exhilerating.
I would like my guitar playing to be as exhilerating as Grim Dawn but I don't think that's how it works. I cycle through these drugs. Not a whole lot compares to peak Grim Dawn. The sound of a legendary dropping has the same sort of ping as hitting the crack pipe. I am sure there will be a time again where I am engrossed in the guitar. It's just not now. I heard John Mayer say that guitar playing is like doing skateboard tricks except if you make a mistake you don't get wrecked, you just try it again. Grim Dawn if I die I just die and lose some experience. There is actually almost nothing at stake but it doesn't feel that way. Guitar there is almost nothing at stake when I play alone and it feels that way but I think it is more frustrating to make mistakes or not play a song a certain way that I want to. I never liked skateboarding because I was not naturally talented at it and the risks didn't seem to be worth the rewards. I remember hitting my first clean ollie though and that being pretty good.
I am on such a good Spotify zone right now. I would be in danger if I had a joint of that good stuff in my hands right now. Marijuana is a cheap vacation. Not for me. I could lose a lot. Not that I even have that much but I could lose a lot!
My friend sent me a newspaper article this morning about one of our acquaintences from university drunk driving and killing someone. That was a way to wake up.
Maybe I'll just chill out and make some synth sounds. That is why I stopped listening to music so loud. I was working on distorted synths and the gain on some of the distortion would make it so fucking loud I messed up my ears. So, I don't blast stuff as loud as I used to.
I found a new song. I was listening to White by Frank Ocean (John Mayer) radio on Spotify and came across this:
Just another smooth, clean guitar solo interlude. I thought I could play it. It's pretty simple on paper but has slide ups, slide downs, bends, pull offs, hammer downs, all stuff I have been working on. There is also the task of memorizing the damn thing.
This might be my thing for a while. Just finding cool little guitar interludes like these.
On June 21 2025 22:41 RiKD wrote:
I am on such a good Spotify zone right now. I would be in danger if I had a joint of that good stuff in my hands right now. Marijuana is a cheap vacation. Not for me. I could lose a lot. Not that I even have that much but I could lose a lot!
My friend sent me a newspaper article this morning about one of our acquaintences from university drunk driving and killing someone. That was a way to wake up.
Maybe I'll just chill out and make some synth sounds. That is why I stopped listening to music so loud. I was working on distorted synths and the gain on some of the distortion would make it so fucking loud I messed up my ears. So, I don't blast stuff as loud as I used to.
I can still get high grooving out to some music but it's not quite the same as marijuana-fueled grooves or alcohol / marijuana grooves or the ultimate speed + alcohol + marijuana + MDMA grooves. That's ok. I can't do drugs successfully.
I could use a joint to cut the tension. I could use about 3 bottles of wine to enjoy movement. Then, I could make some proper music. Music from the gut. Music from the sub-conscious. I'm out of practice sober. I am afraid. I am overthinking. There is no inspiration. There is no lightning bolt. There is no 2am sessions of singing Caruso by Andrea Bocceli.
Avicii was a great DJ for the time (2008 - 2010). He kind of sucked as a composer which is why I think he killed himself. Although, I think he had problems with depression and anxiey with a substance abuse problem too. Sad story.
There is a sort of nostalgia for me surrounding 2008 - 2010 and house music but I just tried to find a good show from that time period and it's just bad camera work and wasted crowds. Seems like a waste. iTunes used to have good podcasts where you could listen to club events if you knew where to look. Sadly that iPod and Macbook Pro are long gone.
I've posted this before but this is a great spoof especially since all of those DJs seemed to take themselves entirely too seriously:
Man, I wish I still had my drum set. I used to love putting in some drum sessions. Such a good feeling. It's not quite the same feeling building up drums on Ableton.
I had an electric drum set. Which is also not up to par with a proper drum set and hearing protection but I could at least play at night when I like to play.
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United States. Apr 21 2025 05:52. Posts 9399
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