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McLuhan wasn't French

ni hao ma? comment ca va?

To all Canadians in the thread I apologize. (Doctor) Marshall McLuhan was Canadian. Born in Edmonton and died in Toronto he is a real Canadian hero. A PhD from Cambridge in English it's a dream to read his untranslated English in works such as Understanding Media.

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In other news, for anyone that is hitting plateaus in the gym and generally not having a great go of it I highly suggest taking a break. I took a week off, switched up all the exercises, and lowered volume and generally feel great again in the gym.

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I regret not reading more in my teens and twenties. I also could have taken better advantage of university. All you had to do was ask an advisor to take more classes and they would let you do it if you showed you could succeed. Then you could take even more classes. You could potentially double the course work for the same price.

highsight is 20/20 rikd, shouldn't regret life experiences imo

Before poker I took a philosophy 101 class and got the highest grade in the class even though the professor was a douche and the subject was lame ass medieval philosophy like St. Thomas Aquinas. The TA made recitation magical though. In my family the men major in STEM primarily chemistry. I was too much of a coward to switch to philosophy.

Unfortunately, I didn't know about the increased course load for free hack until my junior year.

After poker nothing mattered because I was going to play poker no matter what. Taking so many courses my senior year definitely hurt poker though.

I did have some great experiences.

I think I am having these university reflections because I am hanging out a lot in a philosophy server with a lot of students and academics. After talking more and more I don't feel like as much of an outcast even though I am. I don't know how much it helps me in my current situation but it is enjoyable to have people to talk philosophy with.

loco u gonna answer my questions? I answer urs

I was spending some time in the philosophy server tonight and it seemed like the theme was all the students were freaking out over what they were doing with their lives. It was a collective anxiety I don't think I have ever seen before. It's impossible to go back and change things. As long as there is a poker boom, that is what is going to take over my life. I don't think I ever avoid alcoholism and mental illness hitting me like a freight train either.

I now have 11 years sober from drugs and alcohol. I forgot until the other day.

Just sitting here listening to some Lorn things don't seem that bad. What an incredible sound designer / composer Lorn is by the way.

So, I sit here with 11 years sobriety and I haven't been in the psych ward for years now but I am afraid to drive places and exposure therapy is not working fast enough.

Anyone else have "hesitation marks"? My therapist constantly reminds me that I am lucky to be alive. Sometimes it does not feel that lucky. I am grateful to be alive in this moment. Hypertrophy training, music, and theory keep me alive. I am grateful I can read what I want when I want. I don't have to write any more fucking essays on St. Thomas Aquinas! I don't want to be outside the margins of society though. I still have to find my way in my 40s. Sad. At least I understand authenticity to be impossible, truth to have disappeared, meaning to have disappeared, reality to have disapeared. We are living in a simulation folks. Narrative is gone, ritual is gone, the only thing left is seduction and ludic play. Recognizing that my personalities are mostly fads. My masks performative albeit necessary to survive. I have a stronger core. I have spirit. My soul is free to roam. We play the simulated game. I am doing well in some aspects and not so well in others. Inertia is my enemy unless I get on the right track. Can we make order out of entropy? Is cleaning my room the antidote to chaos? What is the antidote to information?

Randomness, chaos, disorder is what we deal with every day whether it feels like it or not. I wake up and eat some oatmeal, I go to the gym, I read a book. Is the world corrupt? How do we make it out of whatever we are in? I need something from the outside to change my course. The Other has disappeared. I call her Zara. Where is she? I need high art like the ballet and the symphony. High art like Zara. Seduction and ludic play. I flirt with the woman at the front desk at the gym. How could I not? They can't take this away from me. Her eyes and smile let me know that I am still alive. More so then the perfect 8 reps I mechanically muster at the bench press, although that is great too.

On April 25 2025 01:11 lostaccount wrote: highsight is 20/20 rikd, shouldn't regret life experiences imo

I regret every time I went to the Spearmint Rhino except the first time with [CENSORED].

The first time I ever went to a Vegas club we paid some shady guy to get us past the line but we did not know to get bottle service at a table. I almost got kicked out for dancing on a table with the go go dancers. I probably could have done with less Vegas club attendance in my life but if I'm honest there were definitely some good times.

There is this notion that marijuana just makes people lazy. That's not my experience. There are different kinds for different activities. Was it a good thing that I was high for months at a time? Probably not. In my experiences marijuana could be great for putting in volume but not the best for developing ones' game. Different alchemies that we were working on definitely produced some good outcomes at the tables and away from the tables.

I can't sleep yet I feel too tired to read.

We only went out to the famed clubs in Vallarta one night. There were some German cokeheads that wanted coke and orgy. We did not find any coke so there was no orgy. We went to a strip club and found out that these women were trafficked from Russia. [CENSORED] was telling them we'd break them out. This strip club was mafia owned. It got a little scary but we made it out alive.

I don't remember much else about that night besides sharing some joints overlooking the ocean and talking about whatever for hours as the sunrose.

That's what I really miss. Sitting on a patio and shooting the shit. Not chatter. Some real conversation. I saw a friend about 2 weeks ago and spent the afternoon on a patio but it would be nice to have that 2 times a week at least with different audiences. A girlfriend is asking too much at the moment. I need my shit together and independence first.

And, it's the same damn problems. I can't drive to a lot of these venues yet and I have no way of meeting people yet.

You are right though lostaccount. Experiences are typically more valuable than consumer goods. I have some stuff that I like. A watch that I've never worn. What sucks is that we are coerced into toiling away for 8 or more hours in a day and then the time we have left we are coerced to consume, rinse, repeat. That is what I got out of Debord. The less than 1/3 we have to ourselves is in a world that capitalism created. We don't escape capitalism in our leisure time. Some may even call it a hellscape. It does not have to be that way but as Han says it is not leisure time. It's rest for work. We have to make ourselves immune to the imagination of desire and want that comes with the void. There are sharp ways to go about things.

Shit. Look at all this slop. But, I have nothing to do and I can't sleep yet so let's accelerate. Get this mo fucker to page 2! Part 2!

Part 2

RiKD has not really been relevant since 2009. I should have disappeared and never came back. This is still true of today. My best move everytime I open up the site would be to close the page and never come back again.

Or, this blog is the only vestige of a ritual I have left... (I just like the word vestige)

What am I going to become a Catholic?

At least I am not looking under rocks for Meaning.

I need to rethink my life. I get off all social media but Discord now creeps up and I am spending too much time there. This server is filled up with too many analytic nerds and wannabe Kant scholars. When it is good it is good though. Story of The Digital. When it is good it is good though but is it really good though?

So, I come back here for some semblance of something. There is no semblance of something. I am just writing to myself.

"His arid years in suburbia." Story of my life.

Page 2. Fresh page. Now it's time to really get cooking....

If we are in a simulation how would we live differently? I don't think anyone knows enough about the nature of simulation to answer that question. The nature of death could be different. It starts getting into the realm of science fiction.

I beat another exposure therapy level today. It was gratifying. I'm still so far away from where I want to be but I have to take my battles where I can get them.

I know I was making fun of the analytic nerds and the wannabe Kant scholars down at the philosophy server. First of all, not everyone there fits into those 2 categories neatly or at all. Second of all, I'm probably just jealous. They are all smart and very well read and communicate well. Some of them are getting paid to do philosophy for a living. I am just jealous.

It is freeing to read Baudrillard and know that authenticity is impossible. Just as meaning has disappeared. Even reality has disappeared. That is not to say that it can not reappear. It is like the chances we are in a simulation. How does one even solve an equation like that?

There were reasons I bought all the clothes that are in my closet and dresser drawers. I am currently wearing charcoal shorts from China I bought off of Amazon, a floral print shirt I got at Target, a turqoise hoody from Gildan, bread and boxer black boxer briefs, and raspberry socks I got from Nike. I'm not exactly sure what that says about me but my appearances do tell a story. I am also wearing Yves Saint Laurent la nuit de l'homme. I have a short buzzcut and neat, short beard. This is what people are basing their reads on me. I walk slow. I am quiet. I could over-perform an attempt to be someone else but it will likely falter. It is best to not lie. Sometimes we wear masks to survive. They are apart of us but obviously are not us. You could say that authenticity is determined. I don't even want to say the words vibe, cooking, slop, etc. but out they come in context. My personality is a fad. I can't help it and neither can you.

My current outfit was about $50. Not bad.

Any plans for the summer?

Yeah, I'm taking the private jet to the South of France in August.