There is still magic and mystery in this world. Not much but it exists.
Except in my world things continue to pile up. There is not enough time in the day. "This too shall pass" and yeah, it probably will but it could also just be adult human life. This is what burnout and depression look like and it feels like I am in a stage of numbness to it all. I let myself get carried away as this performance machine or else I don't have a job. I can't "quiet quit" because I am looking for a promotion. So, I go from one thing to the next thing more or less numb. The only thing that let's me feel something is food and music. The numbness comes from a shell I build around me to protect me from the challenges of daily life. It's too real to fully face the fact that I sort clothes for 8 hours a day and that I can't even escape that from entering my dreams at night. From one appointment to the next to seemingly keep me going but in turn to branch out and give me even more shit to do...
Ok. I've got to stop complaining.
On the bright side, I have the guitar. I am practicing new strumming patterns which can get kind of old. It's why my teacher said to shit and get out but it doesn't feel like I am practicing that much this week.
Don't remember if I ever mentioned this but when I saw her live for this album she had a bad cold and pushed through while on cold medicine and shit - she had to take a break at some point because of coughing but she resumed and even did an encore - a true warrior
fuck I should just sell some of my Pokemon cards, if no one stakes that is what I will have to do - lostaccount
I am taking a page out of your book and finally putting together a vacation. I don't think you experience burnout or depression to the degree that I do but it is time. It will give me something to look forward to and maybe I get to experience some rest from work rather than for work (1 week isn't really enough to escape for work territory but it will still be nice). I plan on hiking a shit ton and chilling with my siblings who I rarely get to see anymore.
- - -
I will do 2 songs for tonight:
It's a bit silly to ask what made me choose these 2 songs but there is an answer but that answer is probably not guessable.
Anyways, these aren't really diggin' in the crates territory but perhaps miss-able for someone. No one reads this blog anymore anyways I'm just trying to cope with a difficult portion of my life.
One more:
ok I am on a roll
Heavy before I knew what heavy was (ahhhh, brings back memories):
I don't have much to say. I struggle through a day of work so I can get to music and food. Do my best to pick reasonable meal choices and not to overeat. Buy hiking stuff for when the temp. lowers here and when I go on vacation. I realized I'd rather visit national parks than work. Maybe I can figure something out. I will still have to work at some point.
I have decided that I will mostly be wearing "hiking stuff" for wardrobe going into the future. Not that I am throwing away all my other clothes. Just that I am looking to hike a lot this Fall/Winter and I can wear the clothes just everyday casual style.
I have been in a rut jumping around everywhere like some fucking squirrel. I don't know what I am going for. A promotion at work? A promotion somewhere else? Fuck promotions let's live?
Food and music is my reprieve. Sleep is my escape. Yet, I am trying to lose weight and I have sleep paralysis, sleep apnea, and I dream about my damn job all the time. There is no escape... Death but I am unsure about it being the finale and of course I am afraid of death. Music is my only solace.
Connections with people is a must but I forgo that simple fact of life. I'm a bit of a loner. People ask why don't you just come out with us?
I don't know. Most of the time by myself seems fine. With people things get complicated. I use LP to reach out to people but that is a bit of a fool's errand. The communication isn't quite real. DIGITAL COMMUNICATION. There is no gaze, sound, facial expression, intonation. No touch. DIGITAL COMMUNICATION is lacking in a number of ways. I suppose it can get someone by but it is not the real thing. Fuck, I want to get away from screens but I've already played the guitar for 2 hours today and it's raining outside.
The only way I can imagine death not being the finale is the simulation theory on a loop. All these spiritual theories are so retarded that I have hard time believing you take them seriously.
I do not take religious theories regarding death and the after life seriously but how can I know if death is annihilation or something else? I am not talking judgement and heaven or hell or reincarnation... what else is there?
I like using spirit and soul metaphorically but most of that could just be attributed to how the brain fires and consciousness and genetics and environment. It's like trying to explain how/why someone dances.
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PuertoRican United States. Sep 03 2022 04:59. Posts 13044
You should check out Lynyrd Skynyrd. They have a bunch of good songs.
This is the way I am feeling tonight which perhaps is worrisome. I am on early Radiohead bender and practicing 2 of their songs High and Dry and Creep on guitar and vocals. I wailed away for an hour over and over again and the song I find to listen to is more hopeless wailing away. I actually feel content for a second before tomorrow where I face The Store with Labor Day Sales bringing the bombarding masses, whirling dervishes of Chaos. I know that Radiohead and my guitar and my voice will likely still be here tomorrow to comfort me. It is the only thing I have.
There is no song tonight. I think I might be over the wailings of Thom Yorke for now. Back to Chelsea Wolfe but I never left. One more damn day at the office before I get a day off. No tellin'.
I wish eudaimonia to all people. A flourishing. The good life. I was there playing music tonight. A Rausch. A transcendence. I am hitting the notes. I am hitting the notes. This is my identity because I don't know what else my identity would be? This is what makes me feel. This is what makes me feel alive. I know that the Devil will always have the last laugh and I am doomed which is what makes the music beautiful. I must wail because if I do not wail I will be face to face with the void. It's a struggle if I am not wailin'. It's a struggle if I overdo the wailin'. It's like how do you get high with out overcooking the secret sauce? A nice flush. A nice intoxication. That is what I am looking for. The comedown is real. I don't ever want to comedown. Bring the paints. Bring the mania.... no. Not That....
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NewbSaibot United States. Sep 05 2022 10:01. Posts 4943
I'm about to take another shot, maybe I can add some much needed drama
It's funny. If I opened up a new blog maybe some people would think it may have something new and exciting or maybe it's at least worth a click. I'm glad LP at least doesn't have some "like" feature. I was thinking the other day I am boycotting the "like" and in reality I already have for a long time.
I spent over an hour today in deep National Forest. I wish I could spend about an hour in deep forest every day.
I am not ready to go into that good night yet. Pretty pathetic way of raging against it though. One day I will die. It is getting closer and closer. I am already seeing effects of older age. Death is getting closer and closer.
Here is a question for you. Where do you stand on algorithms?
Let's keep it simple and use Spotify as example. I think I can rage against the "if you like this you might like this" crowd. I remember my buddy would come into school with a cassette and be like "yo, you need to listen to this." Or, for my birthday he would just get me a ton of cassettes. He let me borrow the first 10 issues of Spawn comics without hesitation. That dude was a really cool dude. I don't think we see this as much anymore. We sit behind screens enamored with algorithms. "If you like this you might REALLY like this." *Notification notificationnotificationnotification NOTIFICATION NOTIFICATION NOTIFICATION*
It feels like I have discovered some great music on Spotify that I otherwise might not have discovered but that is just a feeling. In reality, the way I have found most of the music I like was because of a friend or looking into who my favorite artists like or who influenced them. I kind of want to go back to having stuff. I still have pages and pages of cds. I miss going down to the record store. The minimalist says that is accumulating STUFF but I like that STUFF. Spotify is incredibly easy to use though. That UX and UI though bro!
We are all doomed. Most likely on a faster timeline than many would like to admit. I already played an hour of guitar and singing today. It's why I come on here. I have housemates and neighbors. I don't think they would want me primal screaming at midnight. It feels like sometimes I am numb to it all and others I am a bull in captivity. I don't know how to get ahead of it all. Life. Being an adult. I don't know if anyone does. Some seem better at it than others but I guess it is unlikely to ever share someone's consciousness so no one knows. That's why it is wise to come together and share the burden. I am drastically grabbing at music straws in hopes that one will heal my woes. I am a frustrated and mundane composer. I am an artist without a studio. I need help.
I miss going to store to browse DVDs on sale and shit. My dad still buys CDs and is not into streaming music at all. I hate that Youtube makes these retarded playlists that are a mix of gangsta rap and metal.
40 is still approaching older age. The doctor wants me to get a bone density scan. Which I no call, no showed for the appointment because they wouldn't tell me how much it would cost. Still a shitty move by me but I called the wrong number to cancel. I have too much going on in my life. Every problem seems to branch out. This is adult life.
United States. Aug 29 2022 04:22. Posts 8534
