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Insomnia Pt. III

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RiKD    United States. May 15 2020 07:35. Posts 6110
I just took a glance at the Poker Blogs page and realized that I probably post 2 blogs for every other 1 post by everyone combined. It is like some weird malady.

There is seemingly no hope of sleeping anytime soon. There is always an excuse to write these things. I poop them out like poop. I eat, I poop, I die.

The insomnia has gotten worse. I didn't sleep well last morning at all and then all day today I typically dozed off while reading. Which just makes the insomnia worse. I just felt a bit down and defeated today. My self esteem is low and the anxiety is higher. I just don't really feel like coping with life. I'm grasping for a blue pill. Just let me be an accountant or something. 2 kids and a swimming pool. But, actually, that sounds horrendous. I never want to be a cog in a corporate hierarchy again even though I am a cog in a corporate hierarchy. Definitely don't want kids. It's doubtful I will ever own my own house nor would I want to. I helped restore my parents' fence the other day it was a shit job.

I think in a lot of cases "the red pill" isn't actually a "truth." Like, if someone were taking Jordan B Peterson's words as gospel that isn't truth. And, the blue pill is bullshit because there is no such thing as sustainable bliss. We are all fucked no matter what pill we take. That includes pain pills, benzos, and even my beloved MDMA.

My sister's baby was a mistake and she didn't get an abortion. And I think my brother and sister-in-law just had a kid because of social pressure. That is kind of fucked up. If my nephews have any sort of penchant for reading I am giving them "Notes From the Underground" by Dostoevsky at age 12. I plan to only give them books as gifts and have so far succeeded but if 1 or both turn out to despise reading I will despise them... No, of course I love my nephews. They are great. I am sure I have said it plenty of times on here. Once they are here it's now time for minimizing suffering.

I don't know if I'm suffering so much as I am dissatisfied. I can attempt to be this champion of isolation but if I am honest isolation sucks. A friend called me tonight and we spoke for an hour or so. That was nice.

I am still thinking about getting a new job. Reading powerpoints that some company made for me to kids over the internet sounds kind of terrible. I would actually want to make my own course but it would be a lot of work and it likely wouldn't get approved. "But, RiKD why don't you try before dismissing it?" Well, that is what I am mulling over. It's easier to just say mañana and not think about it too much. Employment sucks.

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PoorUser    United States. May 15 2020 13:05. Posts 7425

you ever seen bojack horseman?

also, you read fantasy at all? if so, recs? that's really the only genre i read aside from school work. looking to knock out a few books now that i have a break.

Gambler Emeritus 

RiKD    United States. May 15 2020 19:22. Posts 6110

I love Bojack Horseman. I am re-watching it at the moment.

I don't read a lot of fantasy. "The Hobbit" was one of the first proper books I ever read for pleasure and it was truly magical. I read "A Song of Ice and Fire" as well and loved it but I always seem to go for the classics or non-fiction over fantasy.

My brother, however, is a fantasy buff and I asked him for some recs. He gave me two:

Malazan Book of the Fallen

Wheel of Time

I also know that Drone is really into fantasy and that's how he has been passing a lot of the time in quarantine as well as video games.

 Last edit: 15/05/2020 19:22

dnagardi   Hungary. May 16 2020 08:57. Posts 1679

Do you stil visit a therapist? these are things you should definitely talk with someone you trust. Also do you take sleeping pils?

I feel you man, life can be crippling. Talking and time helps...


RiKD    United States. May 16 2020 17:51. Posts 6110

I see a therapist every 2 weeks (she is also my psychiatrist). She is actually moving to geriatrics in June so I need a new psychiatrist and therapist which sucks.

I don't take sleeping pills. If I am manic/psychotic and can't sleep I take Ativan (benzo) but I am not manic at the moment. In the past I have been prescribed Melatonin.

I actually got a solid 10 hours of sleep last night. Woke up had some pancakes, drank a little coffee, had a nice bowel movement and it feels good man. Of course the poop session reminded me that I am merely an animal that will die someday but contemplating death always seems to have a positive outcome on my life.


RiKD    United States. May 16 2020 22:25. Posts 6110

I have never been in love to the degree that I wanted to bring a little stinker into the world. The only woman that I loved didn't want to have children either. But I think love is the x-factor. That is the only thing that could change my stance on not having kids. As I have said before there is always a certain narcissism and vanity in having children. There is also the aspect of Becker's idea of the immortality project. Having kids is THE ultimate immortality project. Which means it's also the ultimate lie.

My sister wants a girl (she has a boy). She was thinking of adopting and I was like YES! Giving a child a better chance at a better life that is already here in existence. I am unsure what she will do. My youngest sister just got pregnant and it's weird how that idea virus spreads. It's a pervasive dusting that is deep seeded not only in society but probably biologically. People are blinded by hormones and romantic reminiscing.

I can't really do anything to stop it. All I can do is be the best uncle that I can be. Which honestly isn't that big of a responsibility. I live like 10 hours away. I fear for them that shit is going to get even uglier than it is but they can be the ones to really change things. We have to educate them well. It's that or we go extinct. Pretty large stakes and seemingly most on the planet are not taking it seriously. Is it fair to blame the undead servants of (destructive) capitalism? Who rest just adequately enough to get back to work the next day? When actual needs are covered new needs are manufactured. Skirting through life (and death) like some zombie in an oasis.

"The water's blue, swallow the pill." - Frank Ocean

Every time I read a good book I catch a glimpse of the real world. I don't think one can take a pill or put on a pair of magic glasses to uncover the real world. It takes a lot more.

And the overlords are simply the Lich Kings of their undead armies. They are as undead as anyone else. Everyone chasing after immortality and relevance in any way they can. That's probably subconsciously why I write these blogs. It gives me a taste of being alive. Not nearly to the extent that painting or having sex or driving 129mph down the highway does but it seems to give me some reprieve from the undeadness that the world is trying to coerce me into. The Lich Kings are so good at it these days they have their charms and spells and one doesn't even realize it. They convince us to exploit ourselves without even uttering a word or lifting a prickly, skeletal finger. It will only get worse as the Lich Kings master their craft. Running us all off the side of a cliff as they buy up land in Wyoming and Montana.

 Last edit: 16/05/2020 23:17

RiKD    United States. May 16 2020 23:58. Posts 6110

When Margaret Thatcher said "there is no such thing as society" that set the stage for the Lich King takeover.

When I think of the term social atomization I think of the anti-thesis of social connection. Social connection being a much needed aspect of well being.

Where as psychiatrists are prescribing 1 unit/day of prozac over 1 unit/half year of psilocybin they are also overlooking social connection entirely. I have never had a psychiatrist ask me how my social life was unless she was also my therapist. And on a well being scale of 1-60 anti-depressants have only about a 2 point impact where as social connection can be night and day (Johann Hari, "Lost Connections". We are raised to be individuals. We are raised to be responsible for ourselves. It is how we find ourselves not quite dead but not quite alive (Byung-Chul Han). We are just trying to do the right thing and get the stuff that we are signaled to get and before we know it we are transformed into cold, stale undead soldiers in the struggle for capital. The march of the undead army where everyone is in competition with each other. I would come home and drink, overeat, buy stuff online, watch Netflix. This is not recovery from work. This is not living life. This is grasping. This is surviving. It all ends up being some semblance of rest IN ORDER TO work the next day. My zombie encapsulation doesn't melt away when I punch out as my heart shines threw. No, the heart never shines through. I continue undead into the night before I hopefully, thankfully pass out in order to get enough hours to function the next day. What is worse is I never actually punch out. There are endless reports. If my boss calls I have to answer it. If the mill needs me to come in at 1am I have to go in at 1am. I am never actually off the clock. But I have to beat this guy, I have to be better than that guy. For why? Well, I need that $3k Le Corbusier lamp to inspire me to be better, to do better. The Other who never actually comes and visits me in my apartment needs to know that I am cultured and that I have taste. That I am relevant. So, my undead ass marches on until I break. Existence becomes problematic so my drinking becomes problematic. My bipolar flares similarly to the boom and bust cycles of the steel industrial complex (Mark Fisher, K-Punk). I am psychotic for months. I don't know what is happening to me.

What about all the poor souls who don't break? Just continue marching on for the struggle for capital.

"Two kids and a swimming pool, I'm not brave!" - Frank Ocean

It takes bravery to go against the grain. There is a society and many times it's not being a very good example.

The lucky ones are likely ignorant. There are ways to find one's stride in the march of the undead. One day you could be a Lich King too! But sadly most men lead lives of quiet desperation (Henry David Thoreau). I may lead a life of desperation but I'M NOT GOING TO BE QUIET ABOUT IT! Fuck! I want to go rassle up all the rag tag leftists in Food Not Bombs and protest something. Shit. I sit. How many more poops until I die? One poop closer. One poop closer. And I am isolated as fuck. No social connection for me makes me a mad lad.

Whatever. It's clear rugged individualism and lack of social connection is making people crazy.

Destructive Capitalism:



That's right about the inception of neoliberal capitalism. The most destructive of destructive capitalism seen yet. In fact, Margaret Thatcher said the infamous quote about society in 1980. Fucking cunt.

So, it's clear we must rise up and do some things differently. This is not my strong suit. I like being pessimistic and then doing an Irish exit when prompted to think of solutions.

Well-being in these times:

- Read
- Think
- Be kind
- Connect socially. Especially with rag tag bands of Leftists.
- Value time. Experiences over "stuff." Leisure over "undead rest"/passive entertainment.

I'll leave it at 5.

Ciao.

 Last edit: 17/05/2020 03:42

drone666   Brasil. May 17 2020 07:14. Posts 1752

Midnight Gospel is great too, some episodes are bad but i liked ep 5 and 8 the most

Dont listen to anything I sayLast edit: 17/05/2020 07:40

RiKD    United States. May 17 2020 08:03. Posts 6110

I like "Adventure Time" and Duncan Trussell. I'll have to check that out.


RiKD    United States. May 18 2020 03:02. Posts 6110

Every other day I go for a walk in a certain area nearby. A 3.5 mile walk to be exact. There is a cemetery virtually at the start of the walk. I like to take some time there to contemplate death. I believe it is a child cemetery as the stone tombs are rather small. The letters worn. One can scarcely make out a name.

I wish to take a bunch of ketamine and do a float tank for about 2 hours.

Perhaps LSD, psilocybin, ayahuasca offer a glimpse of ... (?) "reality," "God," "Truth" (?)

I wish to get so high on cannabis I think I might die, eat some sugar, play some Mario Kart and when I think I am through the whole paranoia and dying thing take a bath to my own curated playlist of Björk.

I suppose I don't have to start meditating again but I would like to start meditating again but I don't know where to start.

Wake, meditation, long bath, small breakfast, that's a good start to any day. Languid and adante is the tempo I prefer.

I don't really know what I'm doing here. I just found myself here. I was thrown not only into existence but I was seemingly thrown here? I have amnesia how I got here? What are we talking about? What is the point?

I guess I'll take a long bath (sans cannabis unfortunately) and see what happens.


RiKD    United States. May 18 2020 06:13. Posts 6110


  On May 17 2020 06:14 drone666 wrote:
Midnight Gospel is great too, some episodes are bad but i liked ep 5 and 8 the most



Yeah, I enjoyed that. Thank you. Now, I might watch this docu on LSD. Shame every Doctor in the world says I should not do it.


RiKD    United States. May 18 2020 19:46. Posts 6110

Here is a good example:

Elon Musk tweeted: "Take the red pill" (most likely in relation to his asinine "truths" re: Covid-19 but also more broadly all his "genius" takes irt to any topic in the universe)
Ivanka Trump agreed
Lilly Wachowski told both of them to fuck off.

Here are some other Elon Musk "truths":

- It is a billion to one that we are in "base reality"
- Marx was a capitalist

Actually, I don't want to go digging around Twitter for his inane takes.

"Red Pilled Based Elon"





I was thinking about writing on psychedelics and the search for "reality," and "Truth." I think I'll stick to books and discourse until I can get approved for some program at John Hopkins, UCLA, NYU, et al. The above is a good example of what we are dealing with.

Another point I would like to make is that The Matrix was based on Baudrillard's "Simulcra and Simulation" and Baudrillard hated the movie.

“The Matrix is surely the kind of film about the matrix that the matrix would have been able to produce.” - Jean Baudrillard

It's all bullshit.

There is no red pill or blue pill. There never was. We are on our own. What is "reality"? What is "Truth"? Is it enough to have a some food/water, live in a shelter, and have some clothes to wear?

I need to start meditating again. To be so aware of anicca, dukkha, and anatta is to understand existence.

Elon Musk is the Nerd Lich King. But if you watch that podcast with Joe he is just a bold, self-confident, charismatic bully which people love especially in these times. Watch as he lies and gives Joe the death stare and silence. It's just the ultimate negotiation tactic. It's probably their biggest strength. They convince themselves of their lies. Going on the "Big Bang Theory" or "Iron Man" is just a means to recruit more minions. Not only do they need bodies to extract value from but they need bodies to make them feel powerful and important (Dave Graeber).

No pills. No potions. We are in "real" life. What do we do? How do we manage? How do we cope?

Spiritual/Mystical Experience. How do we get there? How do we get there for everybody?

But, then I read some Taoism and just feel like going for a walk and feeling the breeze and watching the birds.

I might still try psychedelics.

My intention is clear. Spiritual/Mystical Awakening. What are the "truths" of "reality"?

 Last edit: 18/05/2020 20:47

drone666   Brasil. May 18 2020 23:37. Posts 1752


  On May 18 2020 05:13 RiKD wrote:
Show nested quote +



Yeah, I enjoyed that. Thank you. Now, I might watch this docu on LSD. Shame every Doctor in the world says I should not do it.


I hate LSD documentaries, usually they pick the wrong people to talk about it

Dont listen to anything I say 

drone666   Brasil. May 19 2020 00:08. Posts 1752

I also dislike Joe Rogan and Elon Musk, they seem to be clueless and bold about shit is not their area
Joe Rogan has so many stupid and biased people on his podcast, when you understand deeply about a subject and he comes with a "specialist" it becomes clear, I guess drugs fucked up his brain and he became "too open" to ideas and believes in every shit someone tells him

Elon Musk seem to be a dork, just because he's good in his area he seem to think he knows about other shit too, his answers on interviews shows that, he's like a smarter Steve Jobs

Dont listen to anything I sayLast edit: 19/05/2020 00:22

RiKD    United States. May 19 2020 05:27. Posts 6110


  On May 18 2020 22:37 drone666 wrote:
Show nested quote +



I hate LSD documentaries, usually they pick the wrong people to talk about it



I watched "Have a Good Trip." It was ok. They got comedians and entertainers to tell anecdotes about their trips.


RiKD    United States. May 19 2020 15:12. Posts 6110


  On May 18 2020 23:08 drone666 wrote:
I also dislike Joe Rogan and Elon Musk, they seem to be clueless and bold about shit is not their area
Joe Rogan has so many stupid and biased people on his podcast, when you understand deeply about a subject and he comes with a "specialist" it becomes clear, I guess drugs fucked up his brain and he became "too open" to ideas and believes in every shit someone tells him

Elon Musk seem to be a dork, just because he's good in his area he seem to think he knows about other shit too, his answers on interviews shows that, he's like a smarter Steve Jobs



Yeah man. What is Rogan's area? Martial arts, comedy, psychedelics?

Musk owns a few companies. That's it. It's just mutually beneficial Public Relations.

Yeah, Musk is very similar to Jobs. They are just marketers and promoters. They don't actually do any of the genius work. I was kind of into Jobs when that was a trend. I liked the story of how he continued going to Reed College and crashing at friends' places taking the classes he wanted to take. A lot of his interviews were inspiring for entrepreneurs. Also, his exploration with LSD and ashrams. Albeit he still ended up a major jackass. His story could be summarized "How to impose one's will as a privileged white male in the USA" but people love it. I have a feeling that is the history of Musk's family as well considering Elon's father made billions owning an apartheid emerald mine. 2 Master Lich Kings indeed.


Santafairy   Korea (South). May 19 2020 17:28. Posts 1762

yeah there's a real narcissism in having children and there's a real selflessness to this fucking internet blog

It seems to be not very profitable in the long run to play those kind of hands. - Gus Hansen 

RiKD    United States. May 20 2020 03:15. Posts 6110

I see what you did there. But there is no claim that this blog is selfless. That's hilarious. You are a funny guy.


Santafairy   Korea (South). May 20 2020 04:04. Posts 1762

you should have children then it'd be right up your alley

It seems to be not very profitable in the long run to play those kind of hands. - Gus Hansen 

RiKD    United States. May 20 2020 05:26. Posts 6110

I don't even know what that means.

Are you saying I'm a narcissist?

Are you saying I would be selfless if I had kids?


 
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