We all need touch. A hug, a handshake, a high five. Some coitus. You know I am still thinking about this woman. It is funny how she still enters the psyche. I can't seem to shake her. I need someone new. Perhaps no one can replace her or be her but someone else will have to do.
I miss taking ecstasy and dancing. I miss dancing. I still dance sober but I have to be feeling it. I don't think I lose myself as much unless I am dancing alone. Yes, I dance alone. I wish to lay my head in a large breasted Italian matriarch's bosom and have a good cry. Actually, not right now. I would rather start there and go down. It is forecasting rain in Pussytown. Dear, I am not over her still. I always wanted to be a guy who was fucking models. Like I always thought that that was realistic for me. Like I could get one night stands with models up until the age of say 24 or not that I could but that that was a great goal. I don't know if there is even anymore to add there just a soft laugh and move on. I don't want to turn this into another chick ramble but that is what it is turning into. I will just say now I get attracted to 18 year olds. There was one at work that was very sexy and very sexual and naive on some things but really quite mature for her age. I fantasized about fucking her. She quit though and I will probably never see her again. I think we have been over this before but the true way at this point is probably online dating and looking for 24 year olds if I can pull it and I am surely open to 30 yr olds, 40 yr olds, probably not 50 yr olds but you never know. If there is a cougar that could teach me good BDSM I would definitely be down but really this is someone that I am looking forward to spending time with. Someone, most importantly, that I can have a conversation with. It all adds up though. Superficial conversation and napalm in the sack is valuable in its own ways.
It's weird that some of the most exciting women I have encountered where we have this unique spark of sexual tension are red heads natural and artificial. Something about redheads. I dated this black doctor and she really could have been the one for me if I didn't have a debilitating drinking problem. I kept it together enough when I was around her and maybe that is something she saw in me or something. Beauty and the Beast type of situation. I have seen it before. One woman that was always prudent to take off my boots and tuck me in when I was passed out drunk. I don't think I have the status to date doctors anymore. I will probably have to take fast food workers, single moms, chubsters, et al.
I am going to have to get a better job if I am ever going to pay my father back. I was thinking about that a lot last night and today. Economic insecurity does not go away unless I am doing everything I can but am I? Everything is great until a car insurance bill comes in or I have to get some work done on my car. I don't want to spend to much time on getting a new job because we have been over this a bunch of times before but that might always be looming over my head. I think most people are thinking about this elusive better job that may or may not exist.
I miss dancing though. I miss drumming. I want to DJ at least once. I want to make my own clothes. I want to design a woman's outfit, tear it off of her body, and fuck her with care and attentiveness.
I remember when I go manic and psychotic I think Rihanna is singing to literally me and just me. I keep expecting her to call me. I get frustrated that I have no way to contact her. It feels like I am in a dream. No drugs except psych meds are totally the way to go for me although I sometimes miss the not too escalated levels of mania.
Oh, I also forgot. I love black hair, black eyes, black dress. That is a killer combo for me.
Is it possible to overcome my bad habits? The answer is obviously yes in some cases but I wonder about all cases.
I spent a lot on stupid grooming type products last month. The only one worthwhile was the body wash which smells amazing and I have gotten compliments.
I have about 2 months expenses in the bank and it just seems to stay around there or move up a little bit so I just kind of have to keep a lot of the things the same. I have to get creative on how to have fun. Luckily, AA meetings are cheap and I have to eat so if I can do so socially at a reasonable place it isn't too bad. Certainly, wasting money on grooming products should be out and I took care of that by taking a #2 to my hair and trimming my beard about once a week at around 10 day growth. It's a good look for me even though I get ideas of getting some kind of amazingly unique hair cut that is going to instantly make me cool and attract everything I want to. I had a really amazing hair stylist in Pittsburgh. She was the best. She created about that and while I got comments it wasn't revolutionary or anything plus it took like 10-15 min. to get it where it needed to be and I was looking in mirrors constantly.
I gotta start dancing again though.
So, how are you feeling right now?
I hope well. I am doing a lot better than I was about 4-6 months ago. Change can be tough. Being unemployed is horrible. I think the circadian rhythm is really important. I am waking up at dawn and driving into work at 8 am sun which feels really good. As I get home from work the sun starts to go down which I think has a relaxing effect. I don't know why I am getting so high just listening to music and writing stupid shit. I really have nothing better to do or maybe I do. I just did my bills. I could be searching for a job. I could be working out..... Eureka, maybe I will check out a gym in the area.
I need a life. I am trying to break into this meeting but it has been frustrating to get to know people. My share today I had trouble speaking and froze up. It was really weird. I recovered and rambled on. That is one of those moments where you wonder what people think about you. I think one of Loco's keys to life was not to care what other people think about you. I want friends. It is a hard road. It really is but I should enjoy my days off. I wanted to get wild again tonight a bit but then a song called work hard, play hard came on about doing drugs and getting no sleep and I was like ugggghhhhhhhhh NO THANK YOU.
Just let me dance.
I just want to dance. Free from time travel until I am there in the future. Continuing until there is no future. Only absence of future. Absence of everything to infiniti. Fear of death! Is illness more terrifying? These delicate meat vessels parading through time and space. Give me some love. Please I need some love.
Love and connection. That is what I am looking for. Sometimes I have it right before my eyes and I don't realize it. Too much mired down in the muck of self-obsession.
I want to have sex on cocaine. That would require me to do cocaine which I should not do.
I think if I had more money and my own place I could acquire a pretty bad hooker habit and a cocaine habit for that matter.
I am trying to live a more serene and peaceful life these days. I have to.
I should not of had that espresso with dessert tonight. I should not have had that dessert after dinner tonight. Story of my life when I go out to eat. I am wired right now. Maybe I should give the dog a walk. That's what I'll do.
On December 03 2017 19:35 RiKD wrote:
[QUOTE]On December 03 2017 16:44 VanDerMeyde wrote:
RiKD
Why do you think these experts know more about it than Jason Fung and the guys i linked to
By the way, they made the exact same point as you about winter... Not saying Ray Chronise is not good, but he didnt add any knowledge about fasting that I have not heard before...
what echochambers ? Not sure what I do is even called "paleo". I never read any paleo book or heard any of these guys even use the word paleo before...
A lot of the misunderstanding is comming from canadians in the thread talking / assuming im only eating egg/bacon. I noticed a lot of people go berserk if u even say the word "low carb".
Maybe because that's exactly what you said you were eating at the time. You also linked to the scientologist who advocated eating less than 50g of carbs per day in the form of low carb vegetables, mostly lettuce. You said it was thanks to him/his diet that you lost the weight. Now you've changed your story, you're doing "smart carb" and eating sweet potatoes.
I said that keto was unsustainable but it can take a few years before people fall off the wagon. You've proven me right, except you've fallen off even earlier and you're now rationalizing. Whatever dude.
fuck I should just sell some of my Pokemon cards, if no one stakes that is what I will have to do - lostaccount
On December 03 2017 19:35 RiKD wrote:
[QUOTE]On December 03 2017 16:44 VanDerMeyde wrote:
RiKD
Why do you think these experts know more about it than Jason Fung and the guys i linked to
By the way, they made the exact same point as you about winter... Not saying Ray Chronise is not good, but he didnt add any knowledge about fasting that I have not heard before...
what echochambers ? Not sure what I do is even called "paleo". I never read any paleo book or heard any of these guys even use the word paleo before...
A lot of the misunderstanding is comming from canadians in the thread talking / assuming im only eating egg/bacon. I noticed a lot of people go berserk if u even say the word "low carb".
Maybe because that's exactly what you said you were eating at the time. You also linked to the scientologist who advocated eating less than 50g of carbs per day in the form of low carb vegetables, mostly lettuce. You said it was thanks to him/his diet that you lost the weight. Now you've changed your story, you're doing "smart carb" and eating sweet potatoes.
I said that keto was unsustainable but it can take a few years before people fall off the wagon. You've proven me right, except you've fallen off even earlier and you're now rationalizing. Whatever dude.
I havent changed ANYTHING AT ALL. No he does not advocate to do the same thing every day, this was his entire point acctually. (But you choose to attack him for his religious views instead of disussing his arguments)
"I said that keto was unsustainable but it can take a few years before people fall off the wagon. You've proven me right, except you've fallen off even earlier and you're now rationalizing."'
LOL, how clueless and arrogant is it possible to be !? (often correlated i noticed)
1. Acctually this is also not correct. There are essential fats and there are essential protein. Which essential carbohydrates are there ? Look it up in your medical book and tell me the answer.
2. My sister has been on keto for years and has not fallen off the wagon btw, so she also disprove your theory.
3. Even If I was on extreme low carb diet without switching it up it would be possible to have some sweet potatoe. Low carb is defined as 100g or less carbs per day. Salads and green vegetables have very little carb/100 so there is a lot of room even if this was the case for it.
I believe fasting and feasting is even better, so I do that. Look it up and do not tell me what I do or what I am not doing. You have no clue about me. So do not pretend
I follow these 3 guys and I never changed anything after I started this bet (except made a few mistakes in Apri) And every day me + these guys prove you wrong that I would regain all the weight. (What kind of asshole says this to someone anyway ??) I take great pleasure in it <3
On December 04 2017 14:28 RiKD wrote:
That third video looks like an advertisement for Hot Rox. Paid bodybuilders gain weight and then lose it. What is that guy selling?
Pretty rough accusation dude ... (uncharacteristic for you) I found the the same before/after photos here, with story sent in to berg.
"Below is a small number of reviews at The Health & Wellness Center. We are in the process of adding all of them. These success stories are all real and given freely with no paid incentives. The written reviews are on the left side of the page and the video reviews are on the right side."
I am rubbing my eyes. I am stretching out the kinks. It feels like there are more kinks. Blast that espresso last night.
What do people feel about full moons? Can they effect mood? It feels like I am a lunatic but I have never read any science to back that up.
Does anyone ever look in the mirror and get depressed? I don't know if it is my vanity or my soul. It might be about not putting in the thyme in the Italian dressing. That is like a festering one. I just think I didn't sleep particularly that well last night and am having a hard time waking up. After a burger and fries and ice cream I feel a bit fatter and a bit crueler.
I am listening to Moderat. I have to be weary of not going too depressed. If I am listening to too much Radiohead, Moderat, and Trentemoller and not leaving the house that spells trouble. I think I was pretty high on dopamine for whatever reason yesterday and am feeling slightly down for the moment or I am just thinking too much into all of it. Why am I writing this stuff like all the time? It is in some effort to unleash what is on my mind in hopes of getting to the bottom of something. It is true that if I am listening to Moderat and Trentemoller and not leaving the house I am in the danger zone. When I write that it seems to become more real, more believable, more understandable. I have a serious mental illness. When I don't take drugs and take the drugs the doctors prescribe my life gets a lot better. When I talk to a therapist about these things my life gets better. I don't think a lot of people understand bipolar. I think they think it makes people swingy, emotional, dramatic. That is not true for me. I am mostly pretty calm. People might not be able to tell if I am just a bit depressed. People may not be able to tell when I am a bit manic but both cases can ramp up. People will not be able to tell that I am really depressed because I won't be leaving the house. If it starts ramping up the other way people may even like me better. I will be more outgoing and funny and sexual until the psychotic kicks in and then it is pretty clear something is wrong with me if people are paying attention. If I am yelling at the moon that I am not ready to go there yet I think it is pretty obvious something is not right. Oh well, I have learned to manage it ok. The current drug cocktail seems to be working pretty well with out any major side effects.
Like, this is what I am listening to today:
Actually, this is a classic:
I saw them live in Argentina. Really high. It was great. We were so high. My friend was freaking out because he thought the security saw us smoking. I thought he was just messing with me but then I started freaking out a bit too. Then I forgot about that and just enjoyed the show. I think that is why marijuana is a good drug for poker. If one gets the right amount high the game becomes really stimulating but you have a short memory. You don't get caught up in the past hands too much and then there is a cool spot and you get fascinated by it. Put some good music on that is not too distracting and I could play forever.
I know what I said about Trentemoller but this is a beautiful song:
I would like to fuck to that song. Some goth nordic chick with pale skin, jet black hair, and light blue eyes in black lacey lingerie.
Who has a type? Are there people that have types?
Oh this world and its worldly things.
Another LCD Soundsystem:
Let's all get innocuous! I am doing my best to not cause harm but am I really? I can't seem to curb the burger and ice cream habit.
Ahhhhhh, Paris, what a lovely place. If anyone has any inkling of going you absolutely have to. I was enchanted the full time I was there. One of the best trips I have been on. I love that city. Some peaks had to be the Luvre gardens, the Luvre, la Orangerie. I actually like la Orangerie maybe more. It was custom built to house large scale Monet and contains many many other brilliant impressionist artists. There is a Rodin kiss outside in weathered bronze. Champs Elyssee. My French spelling is bad. Hell, my French is almost non-existent I just love the city. I was there with someone who could speak a bit and understand a bit and I just smiled and said what I could and everyone was wonderful. I think it is because i showed so much enthusiasm for the food and the culture and the people. That French accent is powerful. I fell in love with every waitress I encountered pretty much.
It brings up a question though. We have these transcendent experiences traveling... well, we can have transcendent experiences anywhere but I think getting completely jutted out of our everyday lives in a magical place like Paris can have a more pronounced, more profound effect. Probably similar to going to Asia. I wish to go to Tokyo next.
This isn't a bad one from deadmau5:
My favorite album of his is Random Album Title. I thought about seeing him in 2008 when I was in Argentina but I saw David Guetta instead. It was worth it. Love is Gone live in Argentina was amazing. The live shows in Argentina just have more spirit to them. Although I have gone to some good raves in the States. It just seems to be more posing in the States. Argentina is just more lawless and a bit wild. Don't get me wrong there is posing in every club but a large festival just brings out the feel good.
I just found myself browsing some pornography. It loses its luster let me tell you but it was weird one of those sites popped up where it is like a message board and the woman gets tokens for doing stuff. My friend did that. He would get full of crystal and do that to pay for the crystal. He played up the classic twink for the camera but is actually a very smart guy and a deep thinker. Things people do for money but after meeting a handful of sex workers in recovery it kind of changes the perspective of it all. The entertainers are in some part sick and the consumers are in some part sick. I don't think it will ever go away though.
I don't know why I am averse to chubby girls. I am a bit chubby. It would be a nice date. We could eat burgers and fries and have some ice cream for dessert and make coitus. "Models were made for modeling, thick girls were made for cuddling" - Andre 3000
I think, ya know, it's just got to be sort of the right kind of proportions. Loosely. Overweight is one thing, obese is another. I don't like really tiny girls either but there are exceptions.
On December 04 2017 14:34 PetterPLO wrote:
Loco you have very dishonest way to discuss.
Telling someone they will gain all their weight back after a much needed weight loss is extremly low.
Just because it's not fun to hear the truth doesn't mean it's dishonest to tell it. I've studied in this field extensively and I am making evidence-based claims. If you are a pro poker player and someone who started a few months ago tried to justify their misplays or even worse, they tried to teach you how to play, would it be "extremely low" of you to point out their mistakes?
Anyone who is knowledgeable about nutrition and lifestyle medicine will tell you that what people need is not just weight loss, it's long term weight maintenance. Millions of people crash and burn on fad diets and you're saying that it's a bad thing to try to educate them because it might hurt their feefees. It's not my fault that people are dogmatic about food and they can't objectively look at the information presented to them if it goes against their deeply held beliefs.
fuck I should just sell some of my Pokemon cards, if no one stakes that is what I will have to do - lostaccount
On December 04 2017 14:28 RiKD wrote:
That third video looks like an advertisement for Hot Rox. Paid bodybuilders gain weight and then lose it. What is that guy selling?
I'm going to give another poker analogy to follow up with my previous post. Imagine browsing YouTube videos of poker tournaments and cash games because you want to learn to win at poker. You end up reading the comments and using the advice of the people in the comments. You just don't know any better, you don't know of the existence of LP and 2+2, so YouTube seems like a gold mine, people seem to know what they're talking about.
This is what Vandermeyde does but with nutrition. He listens to people with no expertise because they seem to know what they're talking about. "Dr." Berg is of course another sham chiropractor who has no business giving nutrition advice. You know someone should be avoided when all they have are testimonials and zero studies to back up their claims (which are often demonstrably false). It's also quite typical of them to avoid discussing science, because they end up looking very bad when they do. One example was Gary Taubes vs Stephan Guyanet and Alan Aragon. Also Dr. Campbell vs Dr. Eric Westman.
fuck I should just sell some of my Pokemon cards, if no one stakes that is what I will have to do - lostaccount
I was out eating burgers with some guys. A sane sexual life may not be easy to come by for us alcoholics. One is still not over his x-girlfriend and was creeping on all sorts of women until he got drunk. Another is banging hookers every day. Another said there is no time in his life for any sort of dating so he just doesn't date and is happy taking care of his kid and dog. Then there was me who I have written enough about my dating life. Then there was another guy who is having drama with his current girlfriend and ex-girlfriend. I found the right group of people! It was a good time though. Better than writing words on here.
Does anyone on here have a solid relationship and could share how that happened?
No one, huh. We should all go the way of the asexual except we presumably enjoy sex or we would already be asexual. I enjoy sex. You know, sometimes it is not all it is cracked up to be and then other times it seems like the most important thing on the planet.
I just got off the phone with an old friend and we had a great conversation. That sure beats writing more words on LP but I couldn't think of who to call next. Sitting outside on a picnic table in December shooting the shit is hard to beat. I just said shooting the shit. Who says shooting the shit? I just did.
I am writing these words like I can just come to some realizations. The thing is I have come to some realizations through writing shit here.
I should have called my friend Ryan. We have not spoken in a while and that is who I should have called.
1
Liquid`Drone Norway. Dec 07 2017 07:30. Posts 3093
I got a swell relationship, we've been together for like 11 years now. I found a girl that I totally clicked with on a personality level, that I shared interests with, that I knew had feelings for me, and then I told her I loved her and that I'd like for us to be together. You seem to be way, way too influenced by your carnal desires for stuff to work out similarly, tbh. Go for sanity first.
On December 07 2017 06:30 Liquid`Drone wrote:
I got a swell relationship, we've been together for like 11 years now. I found a girl that I totally clicked with on a personality level, that I shared interests with, that I knew had feelings for me, and then I told her I loved her and that I'd like for us to be together. You seem to be way, way too influenced by your carnal desires for stuff to work out similarly, tbh. Go for sanity first.
That's awesome. Are you married? I think I give bonus points to people who are dedicated partners but not married. It's just something I do. I don't think I give extra extra points for open partnerships but I can respect a relationship like Sartre and Beauvoir.
It might be interesting to debate marriage. I don't remember that ever happening on here.
Re: carnal desires and sanity
The thing is in this moment as I write this I am about as sane as I get. It ebbs and flows I suppose. Perhaps I write a lot on here about carnal desires. I don't know if that is what is holding me back. I don't know if it is self-esteem. It could just be reality. I feel that living at home with my parents and my current budget it would making dating difficult but people are doing it. My co-workers are doing it. My friends are doing it. They are making it work.
Sometimes I listen to The Weeknd and hear about him smoking blunts, doing cocaine, and fucking bitches. Every song is like that. Sometimes it is entertaining. Most of the time I have to just turn it off. That is not a life to strive for or perhaps maybe it is in someone's teens and twenties and beyond if they can manage. I need to find a woman who is into like Stimming or something like that.
How would my carnal desires get in the way of a developing relationship?
Which makes me think do I even want a relationship?
Eventually, that is some aim but I am aiming for fun and dating first.
On December 07 2017 00:10 RiKD wrote:
The thing is I have come to some realizations through writing shit here.
How many of them have been actionable? Can you sincerely say that these realizations have led to betterment in your life?
There is the realization that I need AA. That I just need to get out there and find meetings that I like. That I need to go to a lot of them and put myself out there to meet people.
I just had the realization that I am not interested in a relationship so shouldn't be putting pressure on myself. Yeah, it is not the "strongest starting position" to date a little overweight, living at home, without much of a budget but if I want to do that i should. The next realization is that you know what maybe I don't want to date right now and am content with just meeting people and having fun which goes back to the other realization that I can take action and go to meetings and introduce myself to people and share in the meeting and stay and talk after the meeting and go to the restaurants after the meetings and so on. I have been doing this and my life is better.
Another one is that pornography is kind of silly but if you want an inspired handjob it can be a necessary evil. I shouldn't be looking for handjobs to make me feel better. It can be a trap to look at anything external to make myself feel better. Obsessing over pornography or handjobs or sex is not healthy for me. I can talk to people about it. I can help people. If I am being of service in some way that problem typically goes away.
I have been calling people a lot more than coming to this website. I have been doing things a lot more than coming to this website. Sometimes I think I just get filled up and it spills out on here. I am typically on here in the gaps. I realize that this website is or can be an addiction for me. A trap. I can get hooked. Perhaps we are all better off not posting here but it is tricky because at least I have learned a lot on this website. I went through the Truth Discussion Thread a week or so ago to find something and then just browsed it a bit and I was like damn that is a lot of good information I didn't have a year or so ago. Mortenson is obviously the worst but in a way some of those guys are a good thing because they lead to discussion where it becomes pretty obvious what is the "truth."
United States. Dec 03 2017 22:47. Posts 8526
And every day me + these guys prove you wrong that I would regain all the weight. (What kind of asshole says this to someone anyway ??) I take great pleasure in it <3 
