Thoughts (again)

Sometimes I just look around and wonder how did I get here? Not even in like a positive or negative view. But, after saying not a positive or negative view it becomes let's look at this from a positive or negative view. There are positives in my life there are negatives in my life. Man, what if we could change the conditioning? How do we change the conditioning? Rewire some shit so some of the negatives don't fire. They don't show up. They are gone. On a trip to the Ant-arctic. They are freezing. They are out in the cold.

I can not conjure inspiration! But, what if I know what inspires me. What if I can make muses? That would be pretty lucky. Does it even matter?

I met this young lady over the weekend. She had an aura. When she spoke her words were eloquently measured while keeping a confidently alluring gaze. There was no smugness. Friendliness, Truth. Warm hug, sincere good byes.

Why did I just write that? I suppose it has been on my mind. Some thoughts that just seem to keep appearing.

I met another young lady who was all mesmerizing and quirky and cute. She could star in a french film or get low to Lil Jon and the Yin Yang Twins.

And then there is the one that may make the most sense but doesn't make sense.

Ahh life.

I am starting to get some wind in my sails.

Come on puppet master let's go! ¡¡¡Vamos!!!

Dang you got some personality About meditation, yeah I did it for a few years everyday. However, I found myself getting stuck in my own head too much, and going to deep into my own thoughts and my own little world. Now I try to spend 15-30 minutes a day at a park just gazing far in the distance at something concrete and tangible in the world. I mostly pick trees that are about a mile away.

Its about a a process from going to fantasy and imagination to the burning desire to be in the world and see it with the clarity of what it truly is.

Both are meditation, just waaay different methods. In our lifestyle with all the media and television I don't think the closed eyes method is as helpful. I think you would probably benefit from watching the sun set for 15 minutes of every day without thinking, just looking at the view.

just listen to u by k lamar

feel better

+ Show Spoiler +

unfort in this life, all we can do is make money, in order to buy things in order to be happy. and a part of me wonders if we didnt do this on purpose because we prefer to be distracted than to address existential emptiness. i wonder what a world would look like if maximizing happiness was the theme of worldly machine vs making money. you can try and reject this, but it is so difficult when the whole world is built this way. finding suitable jobs/architecting a lifestyle that focuses on happiness is extremely difficult.

+ Show Spoiler +

some random thoughts, maybe these girls can be your meditation? try and be hyper-aware of your feelings and thoughts around them. actually this sounds awful LOL, being this self-conscious would be a nightmare of anxiety.

i am jealous! i haven't had a chance to be so enamored by a woman in a very long time. congrat~

How many mdma fueled raves in Berlin until it gets old?

On October 24 2016 23:54 Big_Rob_isback wrote: Dang you got some personality About meditation, yeah I did it for a few years everyday. However, I found myself getting stuck in my own head too much, and going to deep into my own thoughts and my own little world. Now I try to spend 15-30 minutes a day at a park just gazing far in the distance at something concrete and tangible in the world. I mostly pick trees that are about a mile away. Its about a a process from going to fantasy and imagination to the burning desire to be in the world and see it with the clarity of what it truly is. Both are meditation, just waaay different methods. In our lifestyle with all the media and television I don't think the closed eyes method is as helpful. I think you would probably benefit from watching the sun set for 15 minutes of every day without thinking, just looking at the view.

Thanks for the insight. I am going to stick with the Vipassana for now.

On October 25 2016 03:26 chris wrote: just listen to u by k lamar feel better

u + Alright is a recipe for feel better for sure. 2015 I was on a strict u + Alright regiment and it did wonders. I am on a booka shade, moderat, modeselektor, aparat, trentemoller, nathan fake, kalkbrenners, etc. regiment at the moment and I am really digging the vibes but u + Alright is duly noted.

On October 25 2016 04:52 jeremy5408 wrote: + Show Spoiler + Show nested quote + On October 24 2016 22:04 RiKD wrote: Have a body? Wear clothes. Lots of clothes. Accessorize. Color coordinate. Go shopping. Whet your appetite. Have a place to live? Fill it up with stuff! Home furnishings! Take a trip through the IKEA maze! Are there hayrides and pumpkins? Not yet. Am I an untruth living hypocrite if I take money to further this cause? I am not even meditating any more. I won't even go too much in depth into the thoughts because Sam Harris and buddhists and others have that shit down. I will say it was amazing in meditation to literally catch when a thought arises and watch it dissipate. So many times in life I have a thought and then like a flood of thoughts and I forget that they just happen and then they disappear. Many times thoughts are not real. They are perhaps based in some sense of reality but that does not make them true. How do we know if they are real and true? That is something I hope to work on. Maybe some of ya'll can help. unfort in this life, all we can do is make money, in order to buy things in order to be happy. and a part of me wonders if we didnt do this on purpose because we prefer to be distracted than to address existential emptiness. i wonder what a world would look like if maximizing happiness was the theme of worldly machine vs making money. you can try and reject this, but it is so difficult when the whole world is built this way. finding suitable jobs/architecting a lifestyle that focuses on happiness is extremely difficult. + Show Spoiler +   On October 24 2016 22:33 RiKD wrote: Sometimes I just look around and wonder how did I get here? Not even in like a positive or negative view. But, after saying not a positive or negative view it becomes let's look at this from a positive or negative view. There are positives in my life there are negatives in my life. Man, what if we could change the conditioning? How do we change the conditioning? Rewire some shit so some of the negatives don't fire. They don't show up. They are gone. On a trip to the Ant-arctic. They are freezing. They are out in the cold. I can not conjure inspiration! But, what if I know what inspires me. What if I can make muses? That would be pretty lucky. Does it even matter? I met this young lady over the weekend. She had an aura. When she spoke her words were eloquently measured while keeping a confidently alluring gaze. There was no smugness. Friendliness, Truth. Warm hug, sincere good byes. Why did I just write that? I suppose it has been on my mind. Some thoughts that just seem to keep appearing. I met another young lady who was all mesmerizing and quirky and cute. She could star in a french film or get low to Lil Jon and the Yin Yang Twins. And then there is the one that may make the most sense but doesn't make sense. Ahh life. I am starting to get some wind in my sails. Come on puppet master let's go! ¡¡¡Vamos!!! some random thoughts, maybe these girls can be your meditation? try and be hyper-aware of your feelings and thoughts around them. actually this sounds awful LOL, being this self-conscious would be a nightmare of anxiety. i am jealous! i haven't had a chance to be so enamored by a woman in a very long time. congrat~

Man, I do not know if I focus on happiness. Happiness as contentment maybe. Happiness as pleasure I have to watch out for. If my purpose in life is to seek pleasure I am going to be in trouble. I have been there before. I ended up a mess. I am happy with serenity. If I am filling up my self-worth with what I am buying serenity is going to be hard to come by. There are always higher levels, new stuff. I have to honestly answer the question what is enough? The tricky part is my thoughts can change. My thoughts will change. The best I can do is just do not get on the buying stuff to make me feel some way train. If I like coffee and I do not have a coffee maker it makes sense to buy something that will help me make coffee. If I am feeling some kind of blue that does not mean a new shirt is the way to go. Thinking that I NEED a new shirt for a special occasion just to be fly or be some image is not the way to go. I remember I wanted a desk lamp. So, I am searching and searching and it is kind of fun. Shopping is like hunting. We humans are wired to love that shit. Then I buy this really fancy architectural lamp designed by le corbusier. This lamp is me! This lamp represents me! This lamp defines me! No, it is just a lamp. A nice lamp but a lamp nonetheless. Another time I was feeling depressed. I went out bike shopping. I get to test drive this beautiful piece of equipment. I am out there exploring the city for close to 2 hours on this thing. HOOKED. I am the fish. I thought I was fishing for a bike but I am the fish. It's really expensive. No fucks given. I snap buy. I ride it around maybe twice before I realize I never go bike riding and then I sell it for one third of what I payed for it. I thought I had happiness in the palms of my hand but it is so fleeting. Thoughts change. Moods change. So, I gave up in that game and look for serenity as a baseline.


Re: Women

Enamored is a good word. I would not use it in the context of romantic love. Love of another human being maybe. Love of a moment in time maybe. A certain liking and admiration for. I just happened to end up at a "cool" party and met some cool people. Almost like a perfect storm of being in the right sort of mood and meeting the right sort of people. It was just great vibes in there. I must not chase it. Just let it be and see where the puppet master takes me.

On October 25 2016 04:52 jeremy5408 wrote: unfort in this life, all we can do is make money, in order to buy things in order to be happy. and a part of me wonders if we didnt do this on purpose because we prefer to be distracted than to address existential emptiness. i wonder what a world would look like if maximizing happiness was the theme of worldly machine vs making money. you can try and reject this, but it is so difficult when the whole world is built this way. finding suitable jobs/architecting a lifestyle that focuses on happiness is extremely difficult.

We behave this way because we are programmed this way genetically, we naturally wish to thrive above other members of our species, we are not built to be happy, we are built to fulfill our evolutionary tasks and nothing more.

"The height of my spirituality reaches into the depths of my sexuality."

- Nietzsche

Does a nice handjob fulfill my evolutionary tasks?

It seems to me pornography sex is many times bad sex. It is great for the camera and triggering some sort of pleasure centers. Reverse cowgirl jackhammering away can go well with a lonesome dry handy. Why do I like watching breasts bouncing and bad acting? If I get enough blood in the head I stop noticing the acting as acting or bad. A wank's great if you want a wank. What if I want to procreate inside of a vagina? Inside of a rubber inside of a vagina. Perhaps she is on la petite mort pills. Tiny deaths all round. I would like to order a round of tiny deaths please. Tiny deaths all around. Loss of consciousness for me. Loss of consciousness for her. Death to sperm. Death to fertilization. No procreation on la petite mort pills. La petit mort abort abort.

Do we need children to fulfill this evolutionary task?

The act of is typically great. If I have a little me, a little we, can we be happy?

A buddhist the idiots claim is the happiest man in the world compared his libido to a buzzing mosquito that comes around every now and again. He is telling God to fuck off and let him meditate. Evolutionary tasks do not matter in enlightenment. He is the seer and the seen. One energy, one consciousness. It is possible to dig out of the tunnel of the self? Fuck that man, I want some pussy. I need some shoes, I need a car that sets me apart, I need an apartment with a bar with one of those fancy shakers, I need dry martinis with 2 olives, goose to get em loose, patron to get em in the zone...................................... and the wheel turns, and the wheel turns. Year of the rat. Don't forget your running shoes. But, I am a rat regardless. Where is the cocaine? I want some cocaine. Where is the cocaine?

Where is the rat fun park? There is a rat fun park? Yeah man, there is the rat fun park. It was there the whole time.

I don't need a porsche to have friends?

Conversation at a diner is just as good at an upscale lounge?

Good cooked food is good. So, is good vagina. Diners don't always have good cooked food. There is more to a woman than her vagina. She has a mind, and thoughts, and a puppet master just like every good rat. Just like every bad rat. Bad rats need deterrence and rehabilitation so we can all be good rats in the rat fun park.

My genes don't need to be passed along. The species will end someday regardless of what I do. My lizard brain does not realize this. It is ok.

Ric are you schozoid or bipolar? because your thoughts seem manic and very disorganized there is something wrong going on with you man.

RiKD I have to be honest with you here - you seem completely out of it with some of these posts. I really wish nothing but the best for you, please take tihs advise to heart and consider getting help. Check out a psychiatrist or call the one you're seeing.

I am bipolar. I suppose my writing on here can be manic, disorganized pseudo shit poetry. I jump from one thing to another. I reference random things all over the place which maybe only I understand. The motive is experimental stream of consciousness type writing and maybe some good discussion will get going. I am trying to answer some questions and perhaps by writing them out or perhaps by discussing some points a better solution can be achieved. It is looking like maybe the only benefit is some small part journal therapy for me and what perhaps looks like the ravings of a madman for LP. This is just how my mind works if I let it go unedited stream of consciousness. I was actually in general trending towards depression for all the recent posts but it seems a part of me is manic when I write. It definitely fires up some parts of the pleasure centers in the brain for me which is in part why I do it.

I appreciate the concerns. I have a therapist and a psychiatrist appointment on Wednesday. I will bring the blog phenomena up with them. You two have brought up some truthful observations that I wish not to ignore. Thank you.

Let me translate:

Does a nice handjob fulfill my evolutionary tasks?

Does my body and lizard brain think it is passing my genome along by masturbating?

It seems to me pornography sex is many times bad sex. It is great for the camera and triggering some sort of pleasure centers. Reverse cowgirl jackhammering away can go well with a lonesome dry handy. Why do I like watching breasts bouncing and bad acting? If I get enough blood in the head I stop noticing the acting as acting or bad.

The sex in pornography is bad and not realistic. However, it looks good and was produced to be enjoyed by people masturbating. The star in the film is acting. She is typically faking loud and unrealistic orgasms. If I am just watching a porn I notice these things. If I am masturbating to a porn I typically stop caring about these things and the moaning turns me on.

A wank's great if you want a wank.

This is part of Martin Amis quote in his book "Success." I posted the full entry in this thread here: To fap or not to fap...

What if I want to procreate inside of a vagina? Inside of a rubber inside of a vagina.

I write procreate as a joke along with the theme. I want to "pass my genes along" as long as it does not mean have kids. Basically, I like orgasms but do not want to have kids. Evolution made me like sex and orgasms but I do not really want to pass my genome along. At least not at the moment.

Perhaps she is on la petite mort pills. Tiny deaths all round. I would like to order a round of tiny deaths please. Tiny deaths all around. Loss of consciousness for me. Loss of consciousness for her. Death to sperm. Death to fertilization. No procreation on la petite mort pills. La petit mort abort abort.

The beauty of birth control pills. She can orgasm. I can orgasm. No worry of a future organism. We abort the problem before it becomes a problem.

Do we need children to fulfill this evolutionary task?

Straightforward question.

The act of is typically great.

Sex is typically great

If I have a little me, a little we, can we be happy?

Are kids a key to happiness? Do people just go down this path b/c they were programmed and assume happiness follows? Sprinkle in some narcissism and having children. Also, just a genuine straight up question about how people on LP feel about having children.

A buddhist the idiots claim is the happiest man in the world compared his libido to a buzzing mosquito that comes around every now and again.

The idiots are the media:

"To scientists, he is the world's happiest man. His level of mind control is astonishing and the upbeat impulses in his brain are off the scale. Now Matthieu Ricard, 60, a French academic-turned-Buddhist monk, is to share his secrets to make the world a happier place."

Matthieu Ricard in an interview with GQ compared his libido to a buzzing mosquito that comes around every now and again. It is an account by "the happiest" buddhist on libido which is what much of this post is about and addressing.

He is telling God to fuck off and let him meditate.

The mosquito, the libido is "God" or evolution. Ricard pays no mind and lives his monk life.

Evolutionary tasks do not matter in enlightenment. He is the seer and the seen. One energy, one consciousness. It is possible to dig out of the tunnel of the self?

I am referencing everything I have read about the self and the ego and consciousness from buddhism to philosophy to neuroscience.

Fuck that man, I want some pussy. I need some shoes, I need a car that sets me apart, I need an apartment with a bar with one of those fancy shakers, I need dry martinis with 2 olives, goose to get em loose, patron to get em in the zone...................................... and the wheel turns, and the wheel turns. Year of the rat. Don't forget your running shoes. But, I am a rat regardless. Where is the cocaine? I want some cocaine. Where is the cocaine?

Fuck enlightenment. Fuck all that meditation. The silent meditation retreats. The 3 month retreats. The 1 year retreats. I just want some pussy.

Shoes is a joke on a past blog about shoes. I need all this stuff if I am going to attract an attractive woman. I get specific on the gin like one has to be some James Bond Lothario. Shaken, not stirred.

Needing all this material to be happy. To desire this fantasy life. It is a rat race. As the world turns was a shit but famous soap oprah about that life.

There is a famous psychological study about rats that are alone and unhappy. They love cocaine. They overdose on cocaine.

Where is the rat fun park? There is a rat fun park? Yeah man, there is the rat fun park. It was there the whole time.

When the rats were placed in a rat fun park some did some cocaine and then stopped but none of the rats overdosed. There is not that much difference between rats and humans. I am also writing about my history with drugs and alcohol. When I am in the rat race and alone and unhappy I want cocaine. I did not know a human fun park existed. It was there the whole time.

I don't need a porsche to have friends?

This is an exaggeration but it is a symbol of how I thought I needed some level of fantasy and material to have the friends I thought I wanted to have or dreamed to have. Envisioned to have. It was all an illusion.

Conversation at a diner is just as good at an upscale lounge?

In fact many times the conversations are better because there is no loud music or distraction. I am also challenging people for a discussion as I think it is an interesting question. I never had a conversation with a beautiful woman in a cocktail dress in a diner for example.

Good cooked food is good. So, is good vagina. Diners don't always have good cooked food. There is more to a woman than her vagina. She has a mind, and thoughts, and a puppet master just like every good rat. Just like every bad rat. Bad rats need deterrence and rehabilitation so we can all be good rats in the rat fun park.

Truth. Truth. Truth. Diners don't always have attractive women either. There is more to a woman than what she can be objectified for. Free will is an illusion. An attractive woman in mind and body is lucky. People considered bad are unlucky. It is fair to treat them with deterrence and rehabilitation and we should only punish them if it will help with the former. Revenge and retribution are bad. Ideally we could all have a chance at the human fun park.

My genes don't need to be passed along. The species will end someday regardless of what I do. My lizard brain does not realize this. It is ok.

This is my conclusion.

I want to hear other peoples' thoughts about these things.

I also just sat here and translated a post. I need a day job. Meaningful work. Lost and drifting RiKD looks to fill the void with manic stream of consciousness writings of madness. Getting high on blog posts I'll take what I can get.

Perhaps posting a long translation of a post just makes me look more manic and crazy?

I can never win.



Ironically, I used to watch this music video to get me pumped up for the gym and/or the club. Shake my head.

Ya for bipolar I just wanted to kind of resubmit my point about staying away from vipassana meditation. Even training monks will completely stop meditation and rest in nature if they have a psychological break. There is a lot of foo foo on meditation, it is serious shit if you are not in the right place for it. Anyone meditating should also have a teacher at least at the beginning. Wish you well

On November 01 2016 00:54 Big_Rob_isback wrote: Ya for bipolar I just wanted to kind of resubmit my point about staying away from vipassana meditation. Even training monks will completely stop meditation and rest in nature if they have a psychological break. There is a lot of foo foo on meditation, it is serious shit if you are not in the right place for it. Anyone meditating should also have a teacher at least at the beginning. Wish you well

What are your experiences involving the topic of acquiring and having and practicing with a meditation teacher? What are your suggestions on this topic?

On October 31 2016 21:46 RiKD wrote: I am bipolar.

I knew it!

Your writing is manic because you are manic or in a manic state, its not the cryptic way to write that gives it away, its the hyper-fascination about things, as if you were an alien just discovering things, "normal" people are more apathetic in general.

Afaik bipolar people find pleasurable to let go on manic states since they feel very alive but it can be dangerous for your sanity so just check yourself objectively from time to time.