It just feels like a time of reflection. I think I am more depressed and burnt out than I realized. I don't know when to quit this job or how. I was talking to my mom about this and she asked what do I want to do next and the first thing that came to mind was "kill myself." I wish I would not have said it but it was the truth. Now, I've got her all worried and she is giving me suicide prevention phone numbers. I'm in the muck. I'm in the muck of myself and it's not a great place to be. There is no Other to pull me out of this. At least not now.
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NewbSaibot United States. Oct 07 2023 10:42. Posts 4943
I feel ya brother. Just kinda done trying. The good news is those who talk about it tend not to do it. So the fact you're speaking openly is a good sign. It's always "the one's you least suspect" when it really happens.
On October 08 2023 02:24 lostaccount wrote:
Keep urself busy meet some new friends rikd
This isn't bad advice. I haven't really found The Other yet. I have found mini-Others. Like the red-haired woman with the anime tattoo on her thigh or the woman that serves down at The Local Grill. She actually reminds me of the woman in the MGMT Little Dark Age music video that Loco and I adore. I am actually probably going there tomorrow maybe I will lightly flirt to see what happens. I thought about slicing my wrist today at work. That's not good. But, the point is I'm so fucking depressed and sick of myself and in the muck it's time to live a bit dangerously. Not even in the sense of I'm going to put my life at harm but what the fuck. It's so easy to lightly flirt with a waitress where it isn't that decipherable from just being friendly but the danger is she is stuck there serving me. I never want to hold someone in the service industry hostage. It's happened to me before and that is just no beuno. No no bueno. I figure I'll just ask her where she got her rose tattoo from because I'm genuinely curious and I have 2 rose tattoos myself or I'll just order my food and eat it and not bother her. Her existence as The Other. The fact that she exists curtails my depression if but for a moment.
I am going to need like a Blue is the Warmest Color situation and maybe the hair color for me does not matter. Metaphorically.
Music can also be a mini-Other.
Like this track that iop. introduced to me like 17 years ago??????
Try to make a 5 year plan towards a lifestyle you can see yourself enjoying. For me it's been working remotely and living in Latin America with low cost of living. I was too depressed in Canada, even a high paying office job wouldn't have satisfied me. Feels like everyone is living the same version of life over there, chasing promotions, commuting, having kids if they're bored enough.
I dont know what a dt drop is. Is it a wrestling move? -Oly
On October 08 2023 22:15 k4ir0s wrote:
Try to make a 5 year plan towards a lifestyle you can see yourself enjoying. For me it's been working remotely and living in Latin America with low cost of living. I was too depressed in Canada, even a high paying office job wouldn't have satisfied me. Feels like everyone is living the same version of life over there, chasing promotions, commuting, having kids if they're bored enough.
Where in Latin America?
What is your setup like?
I had a vision that I had an independent book store and I lived in an apartment above it.
On a brighter note: I went out with an attractive woman to sing karaoke. It was a fun night. Kind of took me out of my depression for now. Apparently, I crushed it. I even had some groupies come up and chat with me after my songs.
On October 08 2023 22:15 k4ir0s wrote:
Try to make a 5 year plan towards a lifestyle you can see yourself enjoying. For me it's been working remotely and living in Latin America with low cost of living. I was too depressed in Canada, even a high paying office job wouldn't have satisfied me. Feels like everyone is living the same version of life over there, chasing promotions, commuting, having kids if they're bored enough.
Where in Latin America?
What is your setup like?
I had a vision that I had an independent book store and I lived in an apartment above it.
Mexico. Visited here over a year ago, met a chica and now I've lived here over a year. I'm depending on freelance (digital marketing) work right now, which is unreliable and causes me to use my savings. It's very difficult finding a remote position in this economy, but I eventually need to if I want to remain in paradise. Went from being depressed to fairly happy since I moved here (much of depression is situational...). The culture here is more lively, the sun is blazing, people are more social, the dating scene is good, the food is unbelievable. I fall into similar thoughts as you (kill myself) if I cant make it work long-term.
I dont know what a dt drop is. Is it a wrestling move? -Oly
On October 08 2023 22:15 k4ir0s wrote:
Try to make a 5 year plan towards a lifestyle you can see yourself enjoying. For me it's been working remotely and living in Latin America with low cost of living. I was too depressed in Canada, even a high paying office job wouldn't have satisfied me. Feels like everyone is living the same version of life over there, chasing promotions, commuting, having kids if they're bored enough.
Where in Latin America?
What is your setup like?
I had a vision that I had an independent book store and I lived in an apartment above it.
Mexico. Visited here over a year ago, met a chica and now I've lived here over a year. I'm depending on freelance (digital marketing) work right now, which is unreliable and causes me to use my savings. It's very difficult finding a remote position in this economy, but I eventually need to if I want to remain in paradise. Went from being depressed to fairly happy since I moved here (much of depression is situational...). The culture here is more lively, the sun is blazing, people are more social, the dating scene is good, the food is unbelievable. I fall into similar thoughts as you (kill myself) if I cant make it work long-term.
Sick. I've been to Cancun which was kind of meh but good for what we were doing (smoking weed and playing golf). Cancun is a strange place. We left the resort one night to hang out with the locals and that was more of what you are talking about. I've also been to Monterrey which I absolutely loved. The one night we just grilled arranchera (?) and drank Sol and Tecate and had this big family dinner. So amazing. I love Mexican beers, food, and people. I know what you are talking about though. If you get away from touristy stuff the places are alive. Yeah, I think my depression is situational. Good luck on finding a remote position. It sounds like you have found a good place for yourself. Rat race in Canada sounds awful.
On October 09 2023 05:01 RiKD wrote:
What a difference a day can make.
Absolutely. I notice those days too. You have to hold onto the feeling they bring when those days come. Let it inspire you.
I mean I suppose it is inspiring. It is inspiring but I am trying to live a virtuous life. It's not really about enjoyment for me but there is something that happens in my soul when I sing a certain song and it resonates with the people. I have been trying not to take myself too seriously lately but with music I kind of owe it to myself and others to take myself seriously if I have the skill to transform and transcend in the moment. At the same time it's karaoke in a bar. It's not that serious.
Also, something I noticed is hand shakes and touching and hugging are more geniune in a bar. People were not sloppy drunk but drunk enough to really give a good hug for example. That just doesn't happen in a work setting or in other settings. Alcohol is really the perfect drug for karaoke in a bar even if it is not good for me.
It's possible that I become a karaoke addict and go around town hitting up the different karaoke nights. I haven't been shown that much love in a long time. I am strongly thinking about getting back into improv too. I forgot that I love to perform and bare my soul and get validation for it. I always said there was nothing like killing on stage. I mean a lot of people have said that but it is true.
United States. Oct 07 2023 06:02. Posts 8555
