It just feels like a time of reflection. I think I am more depressed and burnt out than I realized. I don't know when to quit this job or how. I was talking to my mom about this and she asked what do I want to do next and the first thing that came to mind was "kill myself." I wish I would not have said it but it was the truth. Now, I've got her all worried and she is giving me suicide prevention phone numbers. I'm in the muck. I'm in the muck of myself and it's not a great place to be. There is no Other to pull me out of this. At least not now.
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NewbSaibot United States. Oct 07 2023 10:42. Posts 4944
I feel ya brother. Just kinda done trying. The good news is those who talk about it tend not to do it. So the fact you're speaking openly is a good sign. It's always "the one's you least suspect" when it really happens.
On October 08 2023 02:24 lostaccount wrote:
Keep urself busy meet some new friends rikd
This isn't bad advice. I haven't really found The Other yet. I have found mini-Others. Like the red-haired woman with the anime tattoo on her thigh or the woman that serves down at The Local Grill. She actually reminds me of the woman in the MGMT Little Dark Age music video that Loco and I adore. I am actually probably going there tomorrow maybe I will lightly flirt to see what happens. I thought about slicing my wrist today at work. That's not good. But, the point is I'm so fucking depressed and sick of myself and in the muck it's time to live a bit dangerously. Not even in the sense of I'm going to put my life at harm but what the fuck. It's so easy to lightly flirt with a waitress where it isn't that decipherable from just being friendly but the danger is she is stuck there serving me. I never want to hold someone in the service industry hostage. It's happened to me before and that is just no beuno. No no bueno. I figure I'll just ask her where she got her rose tattoo from because I'm genuinely curious and I have 2 rose tattoos myself or I'll just order my food and eat it and not bother her. Her existence as The Other. The fact that she exists curtails my depression if but for a moment.
I am going to need like a Blue is the Warmest Color situation and maybe the hair color for me does not matter. Metaphorically.
Music can also be a mini-Other.
Like this track that iop. introduced to me like 17 years ago??????
Try to make a 5 year plan towards a lifestyle you can see yourself enjoying. For me it's been working remotely and living in Latin America with low cost of living. I was too depressed in Canada, even a high paying office job wouldn't have satisfied me. Feels like everyone is living the same version of life over there, chasing promotions, commuting, having kids if they're bored enough.
I dont know what a dt drop is. Is it a wrestling move? -Oly
On October 08 2023 22:15 k4ir0s wrote:
Try to make a 5 year plan towards a lifestyle you can see yourself enjoying. For me it's been working remotely and living in Latin America with low cost of living. I was too depressed in Canada, even a high paying office job wouldn't have satisfied me. Feels like everyone is living the same version of life over there, chasing promotions, commuting, having kids if they're bored enough.
Where in Latin America?
What is your setup like?
I had a vision that I had an independent book store and I lived in an apartment above it.
On a brighter note: I went out with an attractive woman to sing karaoke. It was a fun night. Kind of took me out of my depression for now. Apparently, I crushed it. I even had some groupies come up and chat with me after my songs.
On October 08 2023 22:15 k4ir0s wrote:
Try to make a 5 year plan towards a lifestyle you can see yourself enjoying. For me it's been working remotely and living in Latin America with low cost of living. I was too depressed in Canada, even a high paying office job wouldn't have satisfied me. Feels like everyone is living the same version of life over there, chasing promotions, commuting, having kids if they're bored enough.
Where in Latin America?
What is your setup like?
I had a vision that I had an independent book store and I lived in an apartment above it.
Mexico. Visited here over a year ago, met a chica and now I've lived here over a year. I'm depending on freelance (digital marketing) work right now, which is unreliable and causes me to use my savings. It's very difficult finding a remote position in this economy, but I eventually need to if I want to remain in paradise. Went from being depressed to fairly happy since I moved here (much of depression is situational...). The culture here is more lively, the sun is blazing, people are more social, the dating scene is good, the food is unbelievable. I fall into similar thoughts as you (kill myself) if I cant make it work long-term.
I dont know what a dt drop is. Is it a wrestling move? -Oly
On October 08 2023 22:15 k4ir0s wrote:
Try to make a 5 year plan towards a lifestyle you can see yourself enjoying. For me it's been working remotely and living in Latin America with low cost of living. I was too depressed in Canada, even a high paying office job wouldn't have satisfied me. Feels like everyone is living the same version of life over there, chasing promotions, commuting, having kids if they're bored enough.
Where in Latin America?
What is your setup like?
I had a vision that I had an independent book store and I lived in an apartment above it.
Mexico. Visited here over a year ago, met a chica and now I've lived here over a year. I'm depending on freelance (digital marketing) work right now, which is unreliable and causes me to use my savings. It's very difficult finding a remote position in this economy, but I eventually need to if I want to remain in paradise. Went from being depressed to fairly happy since I moved here (much of depression is situational...). The culture here is more lively, the sun is blazing, people are more social, the dating scene is good, the food is unbelievable. I fall into similar thoughts as you (kill myself) if I cant make it work long-term.
Sick. I've been to Cancun which was kind of meh but good for what we were doing (smoking weed and playing golf). Cancun is a strange place. We left the resort one night to hang out with the locals and that was more of what you are talking about. I've also been to Monterrey which I absolutely loved. The one night we just grilled arranchera (?) and drank Sol and Tecate and had this big family dinner. So amazing. I love Mexican beers, food, and people. I know what you are talking about though. If you get away from touristy stuff the places are alive. Yeah, I think my depression is situational. Good luck on finding a remote position. It sounds like you have found a good place for yourself. Rat race in Canada sounds awful.
On October 09 2023 05:01 RiKD wrote:
What a difference a day can make.
Absolutely. I notice those days too. You have to hold onto the feeling they bring when those days come. Let it inspire you.
I mean I suppose it is inspiring. It is inspiring but I am trying to live a virtuous life. It's not really about enjoyment for me but there is something that happens in my soul when I sing a certain song and it resonates with the people. I have been trying not to take myself too seriously lately but with music I kind of owe it to myself and others to take myself seriously if I have the skill to transform and transcend in the moment. At the same time it's karaoke in a bar. It's not that serious.
Also, something I noticed is hand shakes and touching and hugging are more geniune in a bar. People were not sloppy drunk but drunk enough to really give a good hug for example. That just doesn't happen in a work setting or in other settings. Alcohol is really the perfect drug for karaoke in a bar even if it is not good for me.
It's possible that I become a karaoke addict and go around town hitting up the different karaoke nights. I haven't been shown that much love in a long time. I am strongly thinking about getting back into improv too. I forgot that I love to perform and bare my soul and get validation for it. I always said there was nothing like killing on stage. I mean a lot of people have said that but it is true.
Maybe I have some clarity. Maybe not but pain is worse than pleasure. I have to figure out where to put all these damn pallets and I don't know what to do. The worry of that situation is worse than the jubilation of karaoke. Or, maybe it isn't. I can read all the Marcus Aurelius and Seneca in the world and still lose sleep over something. I thought I was going to resign today but I didn't. I don't know why I keep going.
Hand shakes, high fives, and hugs have a certain energy to them. They can be overdone though.
I think what I'll probably do is karaoke instead of The Sunday Night AA Meeting... It would be wise to pick up another home group but maybe I don't do that. How many times can I enter The Tavern with out taking a drink?
So, I quit my job. It was not really in a controlled manner. I had enough of it and walked out an hour and 30 min. into the shift. Said, "I resign. I am not feeling it" in a Teams message to Leadership and now I am ghosting. Pretty selfish thing to do to be honest I just couldn't take it anymore.
"I am not feeling it" is such a unintentionally underrated comedic line here. I am planning to break up with my girlfriend later tonight and I don't know what to say, maybe I should borrow the line. Eventful Friday the 13th eh?
fuck I should just sell some of my Pokemon cards, if no one stakes that is what I will have to do - lostaccount
If you drop the "I am not feeling it" with no further explanation I would at least smile a lot. By the way, it's beautiful in that no further explanation is needed.
I think in this moment I am wrapped up by fear and worrying about the future. Like I have said I can read Marcus Aurelius and Seneca and still worry about the future especially when I just quit my job.
Walking out with 0 notice was not the right thing to do but it felt like the right time. It felt like I didn't have any other option. I feel like I failed as a human but to err is human. I'm fucked up. I'm broken. Still. Human, all too human. I really feel for the comrades that have to pick up my tasks and the chain reaction that may or may not have through the store but it is the decision that I made and I have to live with it.
I grew up in Ohio which borders Kentucky. Don't have much experience with Kentucky besides calling on some steel mills there. I would imagine it's not that much different than Ohio except Ohio is flat and gridlike and Kentucky has rolling hills and thicker accents. I lot of good whiskey comes from Kentucky.
Now, that I am a karaoke nut I need some songs to experiment with down here. Anyone have any "requests"?
I am looking for The Entertainment. Songs that kill and will get me laid. That's one layer. Although, I think just picking my own songs that resonate with me is the best but it is a combo. I'm not sure if I can top my very first performance of Simple Man by Leonard Skynyrd. That's what got the chicas going surprisingly enough. And I am notoriously known for just living for pussy..... Nah, it's all about the virtue and truth. So, I have to sing virtuous, truthful, artful songs.
Lake of Fire by Nirvana
Where Did You Sleep Last Night by Leadbelly
I'm always looking for songs man. Now, that I am unemployed I have the time to hit up a karaoke spot every night of the week!
My guitar teacher was making fun of me over my karaoke phase. Of course, to someone who has gone on live tours karaoke is laughable but it's not a bad season to have a karaoke season for me.
On October 16 2023 17:45 Sleepy311 wrote:
Have you thought about going from town to town doing Bon Jovi covers? Could probably clear high 5 figures.
Never thought about it. No chance I clear 3 figures. If I could clear 5 figures it becomes interesting. I mean Bon Jovi has got some decent songs but the whole thing would just be so cheesy and selling out for me. I bet if I sang Living On A Prayer at karaoke it would kill but god really?
The weekend and today kind of played itself. Was decently scheduled and had stuff to do.
Now what?
I have to think about what I want to do with my life. I freed myself from a job that just got to be too monotonous. There was nothing creative about it. It just got to the point that I would think about automating or delegating every task to the point that my only real option was to leave. Maybe the manner in which I left closes doors. I'm not sure what kind of work I am looking for. That is going to pose a problem for a while or even force me to take something just as bad if not worse. I have to figure out how to prevent that.
Singing Bon Jovi in small venues is a dream compared to a lot of the shit that is out there. Fuck.
maybe you should become a practical nurse or something like that rikd. you couldn't complain about the meaninglessness of your job then.
i do voluntary work at this place for people with mental issues and it's really nice. I do dishes, serve food, sometimes help making it and shit like that.
Although nurses and especially Travel nurses are well paid in the US.
It's probably one of the most stressful jobs you can have. I've met dozens and they're literally all jaded and cynical because of how the Healthcare system is set up.
Can you imagine rik as a nurse? "Sorry, not feeling it today" *walks out*
fuck I should just sell some of my Pokemon cards, if no one stakes that is what I will have to do - lostaccount
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Santafairy Korea (South). Oct 18 2023 16:12. Posts 2227
On October 18 2023 14:26 Loco wrote:
Can you imagine rik as a nurse? "Sorry, not feeling it today" *walks out*
we're all champions for socialist workers rights and labor and collective bargaining except when the worker we don't like exercises their actual freedom aren't we
It seems to be not very profitable in the long run to play those kind of hands. - Gus Hansen
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Stroggoz New Zealand. Oct 18 2023 17:56. Posts 5304
I actually have moral support for the numerous strikes that nurses go on lol. Not sure what ur point is.
I'm pretty sure most people here have the exact opposite skillset for nursing.
One of 3 non decent human beings on a site of 5 people with between 2-3 decent human beings
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Stroggoz New Zealand. Oct 18 2023 18:33. Posts 5304
On October 18 2023 12:54 Sleepy311 wrote:
Although nurses and especially Travel nurses are well paid in the US.
It's probably one of the most stressful jobs you can have. I've met dozens and they're literally all jaded and cynical because of how the Healthcare system is set up.
Some minimum wage adjunct just got Nobel prize for covid vaccine. What a laugh riot.
One of 3 non decent human beings on a site of 5 people with between 2-3 decent human beings
On October 18 2023 09:20 CurbStomp2 wrote:
most people would smash but a relationship would be super embarrassing and frustrating.
Embarrassing is just based off of society. I still think even so in today's society some would get it and applaud and some would hate. Why would it be frustrating?
On October 18 2023 14:26 Loco wrote:
Can you imagine rik as a nurse? "Sorry, not feeling it today" *walks out*
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I figured walking out would follow me around. In 1 year and 9 months I was never late and called out twice. I walked out on inventory health reports, pallets of stuff, lots of clothing, and people for sure but not people that needed care.
Society makes me feel guilty for not putting in 2 weeks. I didn't have 2 weeks in me.
But, no I don't think nurse is in my future. I don't want the student debt even if I could get into nursing school and I don't think I'm cut out to be a nurse in the first place.
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Stroggoz New Zealand. Oct 19 2023 04:32. Posts 5304
Man I'm always amazed at how much people care about what others think of them.
One of 3 non decent human beings on a site of 5 people with between 2-3 decent human beings
Here some nurses have a very stressful jobs at hospitals, but some just chill and play kimble with the mentally retarded and drink coffee when they work for nonprofit organizations.
On October 18 2023 09:20 CurbStomp2 wrote:
most people would smash but a relationship would be super embarrassing and frustrating.
Embarrassing is just based off of society. I still think even so in today's society some would get it and applaud and some would hate. Why would it be frustrating?
20 year olds are very woke for one. they also have stupid dreams and silly opinions. you'd have to listen to them talk basically.
like the one louis ck bit: "I believe that if you are older, you are smarter. if you are in an argument with someone and they are older than you, you should listen to them. it doesn't mean they are right, it means that even if they are wrong, their wrongness is rooted in more information that you have."
On October 18 2023 09:20 CurbStomp2 wrote:
most people would smash but a relationship would be super embarrassing and frustrating.
Embarrassing is just based off of society. I still think even so in today's society some would get it and applaud and some would hate. Why would it be frustrating?
20 year olds are very woke for one. they also have stupid dreams and silly opinions. you'd have to listen to them talk basically.
like the one louis ck bit: "I believe that if you are older, you are smarter. if you are in an argument with someone and they are older than you, you should listen to them. it doesn't mean they are right, it means that even if they are wrong, their wrongness is rooted in more information that you have."
Those are all generalizations. Surely, there are 20 year olds that aren't stupid woke, have stupid dreams, and silly opinions.
Anyways, what if she looked like this?
Also, I don't agree with that Louis CK bit at all. Information is just information. Information can have terrible signal to noise. Knowledge and wisdom are much more important than information.
Last night I practiced singing for probably an hour plus and practiced guitar for 30 min. or so playing / singing the most soulful stuff I am capable of and felt like I had acheived a new power / spirit level. I had to stop at some point but was hovering out of the room. I get caught in a zombie internet scroll and it instantlyl ruined everything. There was no getting it back. I had returned to Earth a sad, bored, miserable gremlin.
I had a drunken idea yesterday that I will try to start a correspondence with famous criminals doing time using chatgpt and then make youtube videos about the conversations and get ad revenue. or is it considered shitty thing to do even if they are murderers?
The crux of the issue is this idea of being in a society versus not being in a society. I want to be in a society in so far as I want friends, a romantic relationship, and I want to secure funds that I can pay for things like formidable dwellings, clothing, shoes, food, etc. Being outside of society grants freedom. I lose the ability to take dates out on bourgeois dinners but I also liberate myself from the herd and social spheres I can not do well in. Pick a social sphere and be #1. I am only #1 in my own social sphere. 1 of 1. So, in reality I need some interaction with certain spheres of society. I don't think there is any getting over that fact. I don't want this latest stint of unemployment to drag on for too long. I definitely feel more comfortable in this zone of my own area even if it is lonely, boring, sad at times. I am not completely cut off from the outside world. There is still karaoke. I still have friends on the outskirts that I can call on the mobile phone. As far as what I can do for money I really don't know. I am trying to go into that situation that time is more important than money and picking what I do matters. I have a soul and a spirit and it should not be crushed by employment.
I only feel the pressure of killing myself if I go to a similar job or the money runs out. So, yeah, the pressure is on but on a underscheduled Saturday while I'm lying in bed reading a novel or staring out the window it does not really feel that way, ya know?
I am too negative. I am too pessimistic. What if there is a job out there that is inline with what I am trying to do with my time?
There is always karaoke. There is karaoke every night of the week!
Even karaoke grows dull and unenjoyable...
Cocaine, karaoke, loose women all lose their luster. I just want a croissant and to drink coffee out of a large bowl. A walk in the forest. Love.
All I really need is some water and some rice and beans, salt, pepper, cilantro, little bit hot sauce. How do I fill up the rest of the day?
I a m g o i n g c r a z y ...
Yeah. There is that. I am giving the dog a walk 3 times a day. I refuse to play Baldur's Gate 3 for some reason. I'm not watching backlogged film because fuck it. I prefer staring at the abyss baby and boy, does it stare back. I am not going to win that staring contest anytime soon.
I am not going to win that staring contest anytime soon.
I gotta say sittin' here listenin' to some jazz after a 1 hour and 30 minute conversation with one of my friends on the outskirts life feels a bit better. The only conclusion we could come to was a bagel and some cream cheese and some coffee with some jazz playing makes life feel a bit better.
It's a new season fellas. Let's make the best of it.
Stroggoz New Zealand. Oct 22 2023 20:05. Posts 5304
On October 21 2023 18:12 CurbStomp2 wrote:
I had a drunken idea yesterday that I will try to start a correspondence with famous criminals doing time using chatgpt and then make youtube videos about the conversations and get ad revenue. or is it considered shitty thing to do even if they are murderers?
You should do it. Prob would get a big audience from the bored housewives demographic.
It's not a shitty thing to talk to murderer's. As long as people don't turn them into celebrities. There are serial killers like Sammy the bull on youtube today making $$$ from talking about murder and his life in the mafia. That piece of shit should not be getting rewards for all of that imo.
One of 3 non decent human beings on a site of 5 people with between 2-3 decent human beings
United States. Oct 07 2023 06:02. Posts 8582
