did a small amount of shrooms for the first time with some moon rock, both for the first time in my life at age 28. and really i'm just bothered that we receive so much advice on how to live our lives, on what to do in highschool, and what to eat for our diet, and what occupations to choose, and how to fall in love and what to love.
mass, blanket advice usually is too reductive to be all that useful and fails to introspect on all the nuance that makes blanket advice so easy to prescribe.
i wish doing shrooms was as universally prescribed and recepted as going to college. i can't overstate what it does for empathy and game changing that can be.
Back to the Gggrrriiinnnddd. Work went by pretty quick today. Pretty smooth. Most situations in my life these days are better than when I walk in the doors and punch in. I shudder at the thought of doing it again tomorrow. Today was just ok but I have 4 more days before I am off again. That is the grind. I start my leisure time with some Nicolaas Jaar but it does not have the same magic. I wore it out. The dopamine was deciding to be coy. At least I can get fed. Do I need this food? No but I don't need to fast for the night either. A pound and a half of red seedless grapes is a good start. I eat the things like I use to drink decanters full of red wine. Oh, how I love red grapes. I wish I did not eat the bread and left over soup quite as mechanically as I do. It's good but sometimes I long for some exceptional chaana masala with extra buttery naan bread and pistachio kulfi. Perhaps some shrimp and grits with an entire pecan pie. Fried chicken, mac n cheese, collard greens. The list goes on. My inner fat fuck wants to emerge. Retrogression yo-yo is a future possibility. I am somewhat angry as I type some of this out. I bang on the keyboards with the frustration of not eating a burger and fries with a chocolate milkshake to die for. That I will be dying for. Claude Cardiovasuclardisease and Suzie Stroke are coming for me. Danny Dementia and Carrie Cancer. Some pretty tough blokes and bitches. Why do I always worry about this stuff? How to manage life. It is a tough one. I just want to escape.
I just want to escape. From the job, from the circumstances, from cancer, from death. My leisure time starting at 9pm makes it a bit difficult on a Thursday night. I get taking care of pets, same ole same ole dinner of habit, dishes, and then read or watch tv. I have been going with Parts Unknown with Anthony Bourdain. It lets me vicariously travel and eat the great meals I am longing for. Well, would it not be better to work towards getting to some of these places I want to go to and truly living life? Am I a case of someone that is living a life of quiet desperation? Uggghhh, I don't want to live a life of quiet desperation! I also don't want to get too far out of my shell. I am not even sure what that means. I was thinking there is a life that is quite a nice fit and there is a life where I give up my shell for some crazy shell that does not fit me and never will. I don't know if I like the fit of my life now. I hate waiting games. I want to move to Charleston. I hope that is not running to Charleston. Wherever I go, there I am. No matter where I go, I have to bring myself. I am ok with myself these days. I still wish I had a passion, a meaning. I may have some direction. It just takes a while to get down the path. I better enjoy the path. Make the best of it. It is all I have. One day the flowers will bloom. The air will smell of a perfect faint, hint of magic. The next, all that will be clear is the sight of the dumb old mud road that never ends. Sing when you can. Dance when the feeling hits and please bring some friends along. Ask for help. Be grateful for this hell hole not resentful of this wonderland. Oh, the suffering. If we can just let go of the suffering and find ourselves on a porch in a rocking chair with a banjo and a giant cup of sweet tea. Cool breeze and harvest moon. We can sing songs of triumph and despair. We can escape the void. We can live.
I am interested in strawberries and dark chocolate. Bone Thugs n' Harmony. Creepin' on ah come up. What the hell am I creepin' on this time? Not a few million and fucking 10s. I am from Cleveland though. Cleveland is the city where I come from so run run. I must never forget my roots. They are a part of who I am. The good and the bad. I do have a love of money though. Who doesn't? How am I getting mine? I don't need much. Only about $2 billion. Nahhhh. Honestly, I heard recently that some people somewhere deemed that money does not buy happiness after $75,000. If I am trying to stay in a condo in downtown Large City and live that life I think that number is off but for most of us... well, at least me, that seems about right. Poker money was like lol. Just do whatever whenever and chasing the baller life. Shake my head. Man, I don't know. Everyone is different. This life can be tough. Just have to keep on existing. The fates will carry us regardless of what we want to do. They already control what we want to do. They control what we think, what we want to do, what we will do, and what will happen. Let's light a joint to that. Cheers! Champagne for all. Hot tub overlooking LA passing BIG blunts.
How do friends get disjointed? It is hard to stay real close with people living all over the world more or less broke and tied down. Just making it each month, no vacations, trapped. There are friends that live in the same city! Thank Zeus! Man, it's really just people I like spending time with. If I gotta move that's what I gotta do and find some people I like spending time with in the new city and people I really like I just gotta keep in touch from time to time. See how people are doing. Keep hitting that reefer sending me straight to heaven. Keep hitting these keys sending me straight to heaven. I don't need heaven or hell just give me some peace and serenity... and a gal with some perfect tits that likes to ride cowgirl. Fire in the fire place and a cup of green tea. Alright, that's about it for now. Honesty, serenity, tranquility, all that great stuff to everyone. Peace, love, I'm a hippy and may the fates and the muses be kind.
Who wants to own? I mean really own. Pwn. I think we all want to be a hero in our own story. The problem is much of life for most is mundane. It really is ok except many of us were not brought up to face that fact. At least I was not. I am not always dancing to Nicolas Jaar. That does not mean I won't chase it.
How does everyone drink their coffee? I drink mine black with some sugar. I like my days off because I can have 3-4+ cups of coffee and really enjoy it. Coffee and casually perusing some interwebz or coffee and music are much more enjoyable than coffee and preparing food on the clock.
I have to talk about bowel movements. I have been missing some lately and while it is not completely disorienting or anything like that it kind of is like something is off. A great bowel movement is something to behold. That is a bit strong. I just wanted to say it. I do not feel I have to go more in depth on this topic. Everyone knows. Everyone knows the joys of an exceptional bowel movement and the disconcerting air of a lack of one or a sub par one.
So, if I can get a great cup of coffee and a great bowel movement in that is the makings for a pretty swell day. Even if I can not that is some turmoil in the story of my life. It is not the Odyssey. but it will have to do. I use to think I was worthless if I was not on my way to making millions and fucking 10s. I only wanted to fuck 10s. I would look at the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue and say to myself, "Ya know, these women have some pretty great symmetry and shape to them. I will have to make a few million and have sex with all of them." That's a real hero. On his way to make millions and fuck 10s. Even when I was adventuring pretty hard I had to decide what I wanted to eat for breakfast, wait in line at the market, and do some dishes. I do not know if I will ever find my true passion, my true love. I suppose that goes for occupation as it does for women. That is ok though. I am not really searching for it. I am searching for better occupation. I am searching for compatible women and love. Who is not? Are these stories worthy of songs?
Ok. Now I think it may be time for me to make some soup! I wanted escarole but the market did not have any. We will see how it goes!
February was kind of symbolic for many reasons. I played 90 hours in the shortest month of the year! I've spent 20 days at tables, so the average session lasted 4,5 hours. If I remember correctly, also the Post-Rakeback EV result was the best I have ever had. I'm very satisfied with my gameplay, I don't feel any pressure playing NL2k. Of course, as usual I had random speews, according to my calculations I lost 3-4 thousand US dollars in February. (A bit more than in January, however less if converted to ). Nonetheless, month after month I'm working on improving myself and making as few mistakes as possible, though I'm keeping in my mind that every now and then I may as well fuck things up
What's more I had to attend to plenty of bureaucratic matters, which I needed to take care of this year. As leaving the comfortable and snug corner to deal with paperwork always sucks me out of life energy, I've always had a tendency to postpone such unpleasant activities. I have to say that in the end, the level of service at English administrative offices is very high and the whole process was smooth and pleasant (except for the need to get up before noon several times - FML ).
I've also taken care of most of the stuff regarding my trip to Asia. I'm leaving for Tokyo on 21 March and I will spend there around 2 weeks, and then I'm planning 2 weeks in Thailand (most likely 10 days on Phuket and 4 in Bangkok). Due to the fact that my companion for the Japanese part of my journey is a psycho, it seems that there's going to be lots of moving around from one place to another. At the moment our trip includes:
- 5 days in Tokyo, and sightseeing in major places like Asakusa, Shibuya, Shinjuku, Harajuku and Odaiba, all the while trying out as much delicious food as possible
- a stop in Matsumoto to see the black castle there, followed by a stay in a ryokan in Okuhida Onsen, somewhere in Japanese Alps
- 2 days in Takayama, a smaller town, a bit touristy place, but with a traditional Japan vibe to it
- 1 day in Kanazawa, famous for Kenroku-en (one of Japan's top three gardens), a geisha district, and delicious seafood
- 5 days for the Kansai region of Japan, so a bit of Osaka, a marathon through the most beautiful places in Kyoto and a daytrip to Himeji/Hiroshima.
An opportunity to travel to Vegas for WSOP has also appeared on the horizon. When I was starting out in the poker world, the participation in ME was my biggest dream, however in last several years I haven't felt particularly inclined to visit the city of Sinatra. As I'm a British resident and taxpayer now, I could enjoy no tax from any winnings earned in the city of sin. Not so long ago a news broke out that there have been some unfavorable changes regarding taxes, however, according to the organizers everything has stayed the same.
Ahhh, it is my day off. No alarm clock. The coffee tastes better. The music sounds better. Time to live how I want to live. You know, I do not hate my job. I do not like it but I do not hate it. It is not really a job I should be at for so long. I think the difference is the last couple of days (and more) I have been making a lot of progression to better situations. It has been like I do my part and then it is out there in the universe and I get on with living life instead of fixating on potential outcomes. Understand the universe is going to unfold however it is going to unfold, clean house, get on with living, be helpful.
I was pretty high this morning. Great coffee, dancing to Nicolas Jaar, cooking up some bomb stew. That is a great recipe.
I have been going minimal. I gave so many clothes away. It was liberating. I think I need to go back to a buzzcut. I was looking through some past stuff I wrote for future authoring and I was way too much into haircuts, boots, clothes, and nice restaurants. It is probably all based in the desire to be cool and fuck attractive women. I am cool with that. I do not see the desire to be cool and fuck attractive women going anywhere anytime soon but I do not have to chase on fleek.
You know it is the weirdest thing. The compulsion to watch porn has vanished. Not to say that it will not come back 2 fold but it is just not a thing for me. It is strange to me that I used to watch people acting at what voyeurs may like. I used to watch it a lot. It has been a while since I masturbated. A gorgeous friend in a backless dress at a wedding overwhelmed my libido. Most times it is a mosquito buzzing around. That time it was a locomotive demanding a hand job. A locomotive with giant bull horns demanding a hand job. The whistle was a blowin'. My hand obliged.
That might have been a weird thing to write about. That's ok.
I think that's about it. Time to go feed the pets. My poor dog is likely to be walked rarely the next 2 weeks due to my work schedule and the weather. I feel bad for him. He is a great guy. Well, it is mostly my parents dog but I am watching him for the next 2 weeks. We'll see when we can get him outside a bit. He is used to 1-2 walks a day. The cats are cool. They are just up to some mischief every now and again and really, really like food.
Ok. Thanks everyone for allowing me to share. We are all just spinning around on this rock in unfathomable depth. We are all going to die. Will it be cardiovascular disease? Cancer? Car crash? Suicide? I do not know but it is all sort of heavy sometimes. I need some stuff to smooth it out sometimes. Make it nice sometimes. Make it sweet sometimes.
Want to see how are we doing with our challenge? How much we made those days and what is going on in our grindhouse?
Here is our 2nd two-weekly report (20.2. - 6.3. 2017).
Hope you'll enjoy watching and don't forget to subscribe for moreeee videos!!
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Staying Grounded in Realityby makan18, February 25
Staying Grounded in Reality
I think this is a very important subject, with which I've been struggling for many years. In the past, I've often caught myself on changing my goals based on the heater I was experiencing at the time. I've had a pretty sick beginning of February, made shitload of money within the first 3 days (10% of yearly goals in 3 days? Huh.. that's not bad, isn't it?).
But this time it was a little different. This time I could control the sense of immortality, so my ego hasn't gone up through the roof. I just kept on rolling, and tried to play the best poker at any given time. However, as strange as it is, I still made a couple bad decisions, based on the fact that I was running hot, and making a mistake didn't seem to be that hurtful at the time. What's interesting, I did the most bad plays on NL200. If you play NL200-NL2k stakes, sometimes NL200 seems like play money – it happens especially after I grab a big pot on NL2k.
The great technique that helps to keep it all in perspective is making hand history notes, during or after the session. I mark hands that have a big impact on the final score but aren't visible on the adjusted win-rate graph. I analyze:
- how often did I hit my equity in a 4bet pot
- how often I had a positive/negative cooler
- how often my opponents 3betted me
- how often I grabbed a pot pf when 4/5betting
- how often I won 4b/5b pot that was played post flop
- how often my opponents hit their small equity in a big pots
The ultimate goal, is trying to not attach to daily, weekly, or even monthly results. I want to achieve such mindset, that I am able to concentrate only on the big picture. I'm sure this ability would decrease the negative impact the bad periods have on my life, therefore it would increase my overall level of well being. Of course it's just a theory, and the real life verifies it all. I know there would still be periods of both bad and good variance that would have a negative impact on my mood and my productiveness.
That's why I believe the work should never stop. Quoting one of my personal mentors, Sir Richard Branson's 'Life Is A Never Ending Learning Process', 'Many times, when I was at my low, I would lose the urge to learn new stuff. Although when I'm in a positive mental period, I would like to learn something new every day, I'm hungry for knowledge.'
The main conclusion is, don't get fooled by the periods of good variance, which make you feel pretentious about how you have it all figured out. Work hard on a daily basis, and it would eventually get You closer to being the best poker player and the best person You can be. Remember, one brick at a time...
1year1mill - answering questionsby 1year1mill, February 24
...and here it is
... our first video where we decided to answer on questions we got from different forums, blogs, etc.
If you have any other questions, reply in the comments bellow and we will try to answer asap.
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I don't know man, what do you think?by RiKD, February 20
Would you rather be happy and live until 78 or live an active, healthy life until 88?
After writing that it is a bit of a ridiculous question. I think being active and healthy late in life would lead to happiness and happiness would lead to a larger health span. Both are so environment dependent. Would you rather live in Denmark or the Ogliastra region in Sardinia? The latter seems a bit extreme.
Are we all living where we want to live? I am not. Maybe that can be changed to are we all where we want to be? I really have to get moving on some things but I am at a loss in some key areas. Bummer and I do not know how to remedy this besides keep on keeping on and doing what I can when I can. I am not so thrilled about my current job which is a big one. I just can not seem to figure out where to go from here. That is where I am at a loss. I blank when searching for jobs. I do not seem to ever get anywhere when approaching further education. So, I just fill up my time with obsessing about Blue Zones and happiness and life. My weight loss might be the most interesting hobby I have going at the moment. Not good. I see friends like twice a week. I do not want to let it be but I must. Man, I am in one of those moods where I could just complain all day. Fucking spaghetti monsters.
Oh. Something else. I had an experience today that I was sure I experienced in a dream. It was really trippy. Anyone else experience this?
The current year didn't commence in a grand fashion. Possibly due to exhaustion caused by going nuts in the motherland, I caught an unpleasant cold. I felt so bad that I had to postpone my return to the UK by 5 days, which obviously resulted in a need to buy a new ticket (#Polish_badluck).
I have a strong impression that 2017 is going to be the best in my poker career. Even though the past two years were satisfactory as I managed to hit 6-digit marks, I still felt I'm not realizing my potential to the fullest. However, taking into consideration different circumstances beyond my control, I did a great job. Among many things, I learned that blaming issues which I have no way of overseeing, is first and foremost not alright for myself. I decided to set some new goals, financial as well, which I shall tick off by December 31, 2017.
Online poker goals:
- spend 1000+ hours, playing NLH Cash Games
- reach 150k$+ profit
- spend 400 hours on studying new varieties/variants
- put up a coaching offer to a wider public
Personal goals:
- put an '8' digit in front on scales
- lead a healthy lifestyle, don't get provoked by the bad people in my surroundings
- exercise twice a week in the gym
- perfect my skills in squash
- master the basics of playing the guitar
- learn how to dance
- be happy on day to day basis
I'm satisfied with work I've done in January, especially considering that I was fighting with cold for 10 days. I played 83 hours, and so I hit the first milestone out of 12 on my path to 1000 hours. I've planned to not include the game charts here as I thought that in the downswing periods it may create an unnecessary pressure on the results. But, as DS did not occur, I can boast :D
I made an ultimate decision that in the end March I will go on a long-awaited trip to Asia. It's going to be my return to that part of the world as between 2013-2014 I lived for 7 months in Thailand. This time I'm going to start my journey through the Far East in Japan, where I'm planning to spend 12-14 days. Then I will probably visit Thailand for 2 weeks, with short inter-landings in Hong Kong or Singapore. More information about my trip in the upcoming posts. Stay tuned ;]
So in my newfound wisdom we should be buying quality used cars. I've always had a fondness of Lexus after owning my first used ES250 back in highschool and recognized the astonishing build quality and attention to detail. It's a shame I ignored this for so long. I have my sights set on 1 of 3 Lexus cars priced around $3000 now:
ES300 - smaller sibling of 400, mostly just aesthetic differences
LS400 - large roomy sedan, super smooth and quiet, max features
SC400 - sports coupe. Least features, but possibly looks the best
So if anyone has kept up with me you should know by now that I done goofed. I fucked up. I didnt treat poker like a business, let some big cashes get to my head and literally spent my bankroll to the point that I drove myself out of business. I guess I cant feel too bad, I'm not the first person to get reckless with their income and self-destruct. I've never felt too bad about it because at least I didnt lose it all playing poker. So where did that leave me? Pretty dire times to be honest. In fact if I come out of all of this I feel like I should write a book. I was about 2 months away from rock bottom, and by rock bottom I mean straight up homeless, no car, no more couches to crash on, looking to take the bullet train out of town kinda thing. In fact I actually had more suicidal thoughts than I had ever had in my life. Not that I've ever been particularly suicidal, but I kept a steady eye on my firearms to make sure I wasnt fantasizing about it too much before I'd have to pawn them off to make sure I didnt do anything stupid.
Tomorrow I start my first day at my new job. It pays 50% less than my last job but by my estimates it should be enough to keep a roof over my head. My quality of life as it stands today is still leaps and bounds ahead of many others so I have no right to complain. I have a borrowed car, food in the fridge, running water, soft bed, clean sheets, and warm air when it's cool and cool air when it's warm. My checking account balance is currently $277, so you can see how bad things were getting. Actually I also have 1k on Ignition which I'll discuss in a minute.
Thing is I'm actually feeling pretty good about everything. For starters this new job looks to be painfully easy and about 5 steps back in my career title as I was before. Basically I'm doing now what I did when I first started working. Just general helpdesk tier 1 stuff. "Help my mouse isnt working!" and so I plug it back in. Thing is with each new job I got paying a bit more my responsibilities increased, and with that came a new level of stress. I was working jobs where I had to come in on weekends, had to be on call 24/7, had to be interrupted in dinner out on town, had to come in early and stay late. The jump in title and pay didnt do anything for my quality of life. Quite simply I was not happy. This might have had to do with being stuck in a broken relationship for so long too, but I still hated all of those jobs. My favorite job was my helpdesk job, so I've come full circle and am back right where I started.
Now that I am debt free I am hoping to begin saving up for a new poker bankroll, which brings us to Ignition. So right before I went busto I threw my last $800 of disposable income online just to see if I could do something, anything with it at all. I mean for fuck's sake I've played this game long enough, can I even beat the micros yet? Can 2/5 live be easier than NL10 online? Where am I? So I dilly dally'd around from NL5 to NL25 before I just suddenly up and transitioned into PLO exclusively. I still remember the moment, I was staring at the micro NLHE lobby and kind of disappointed at what I saw. Lot of 10-20BB avg pot sizes, maybe 20% of players seeing flops, and overall a lack of action in general. I know IG hides tables that are full but I just kinda got the impression there's not a whole lot going on at micros on IG. I've always been fascinated by PLO and the kind of action it brings, so I switched over to the PLO lobby. Holy crap, avg pots of 50BB, avg players/flop 40%+, and plenty of open tables at all limits. If my goal is to climb the ladder and make it to high stakes I want there to be good games going on. It's hard to find good 5/10 and 10/20 NLHE games, but at PLO they always run.
I dont consider myself an action junkie, but I do like to play loose and aggressive. My lifetime stats in NLHE have always been around 30/24/3 with probably 10% 3bet. I'm the guy with the always positive red line. At that moment PLO just seemed kind of a natural fit for me. I get to play loose, but not so loose like I do in NLHE where it can cause me problems. Playing a 30/24 style in PLO is probably golden. Most of the fish there are playing a 60/5/.9 game with 0 3bet. So I'm actually playing tight compared to them, but it feels loose as fuck to me which is right where I like it. Now I have no experience with PLO at all other than knowing the rules. I have Joey for inspiration and I think maybe 2 videos from Deuces Cracked about 5 years ago from Vanessa whereby all I remember her saying is "PLO is a drawing game". So rather than doing the smart thing and studying a bunch of material I kinda decided I'd just teach myself PLO. I think I've always had a hard time following the advice of others and seem to be one of those stubborn guys who can only learn the stove is hot when he burns his hand. My $800 roll dropped to $250 pretty quickly playing PLO50. I took a step back, seriously analyzed a lot of HH's, pitched some scenarios to some generous folks online for their advice and went back to it. I dropped limits of course and over the next 4 weeks managed to grind my $250 back to $1050. Now we're talking less than 10k hands here so probably fish on a heater, but it sure feels like I'm doing things right.
So what now? Well my goal is to keep grinding away online and let whatever happens happen. My goal either through live shot taking or online shot taking is to grind a new bankroll up to 30k and then become a pro again, and this time do things right. No more sports cars, no more paying for pussy (expensive dates), no more impulse buys on toys (virtual reality, multiple cellphones, tablets, gadgets, clothes, etc) and to just be a responsible adult with my poker job. I dont ever want to get in debt again. I dont ever want to have a car payment again. No more credit cards, nothing. I want to live entirely out of cash. I think this will be good for perspective, to make sure I always know exactly what my spending ability is, and of course it just makes financial sense to never pay interest on anything. If I become an online pro then awesome, I have my pick of almost anywhere in the world to live. If the higher limits of PLO prove to be too difficult, or I just start playing in the absolutely-balls-out-nuts live PLO games around here (40k stacks at 5/10 anyone?) then I'll obviously have to live where the games are good. At the moment I would prefer online, because I mean who wouldnt. But I still enjoy shootin the shit with live players and trying to get waitresses phone numbers. I did actually make several friends from the tables, something I could not have done if I lived like a hermit at home grinding away online.
Anyway time to iron my shirt and pack my lunch for the big day! lol.... just lol..
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