One last run

Ok so im sitting here at work on my 26th birthday, its very slow and I began reflecting on the last few years. I began wondering what my life would be like if I had never read rekruls poker story on team liquid and gotten the sickness. I began wondering what I would be doing right now. I thought long and hard about all of the ups and downs and agony that I have gone through in poker. And then I realized that none of it matters. Theres no reason for me to create my own personal hell. No reason for me to cry and complain about having thousand dollar swings. Its like rekrul once said, that we are all in a very fortunate position to be able to make money clicking a mouse on a computer. Everyone in life has to deal with suffering. This is one of the noble truths dictated by the Buddha. My goal for the next year of my life is to begin freeing myself from suffering. To be able to play poker without it causing pain in my life.

"He who feels deprived, must have had privilege." Lao Tsu- The Tao Te Ching

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Here is my graph from pokerstars before i moved to ftp 2 weeks ago, its missing about 2-3k hands because i switched from laptop to desktop and i actually ended up averaging 20ptbb over 20k hands.



And here are my results on ftp for the last 2 weeks or so, I started out with a 7-8 buyin downswing but quickly recovered as u can see. Also I am up about 3-4 buyins over a few thousand hands on my laptop.



I am really confident in my game right now, and I have recently started listening to my intuition almost completely. This has led to some big laydowns and big calls that are almost always right. I have found the fold button and I really think im playing on a far higher level than I ever have previously. Starting next week I will be moving up to 100nl. Im really in no big hurry because I am winning good money right now. I have gambled enough and to be honest I just dont give a shit anymore. Im tired of being poor.

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Hey guys, I havent posted in a long time. As you know im probably the biggest degenerate in the history of this site. My life hit rock bottom a few months back and I didnt have a dollar to my name. I was buried in a mountain of debt and became incredibly depressed. I was forced to suffer the humiliation and move back in with my parents. Unable to get a job in finance which is what my degree is in because of bad credit I just sat around all day and began intensive reading. I read probably 30-40 books in the period of a few months on topics such as philosphy, religion, physics, history, psychology etc. I began practicing Zen and started to feel empowered and full of confidence again. I hadnt had that feeling of supreme confidence in years. I started talking to old friends and one of them decided to have faith in me and stake me in 10nl a little less than a month ago. I created a new alias ZenMagick to avoid the negative image that I have gathered over the years. I posted frequent blog entries of my progress on that account and ran at 20ptbb over 20k hands. I took the comptia A+ exam a few weeks ago and passed it, and was recently hired for a job working on computers which I start tomorrow. I have managed to workout a plan to get all of my credit card debt paid off and I am really excited to have my life back on track.

As for poker, im not at all concerned with moving up stakes or taking shots in games anymore. I really am thankful just to be playing 50nl deepstacked games on FTP grinding 4 tables and pulling in a few thousand a month. I mean will I move up to higher stakes? Absolutely! But to be honest im really not in that big of a hurry. I have been dirt poor for so long I really do finally understand the value of money.

It was sad for me to see a few weeks ago that asdf2000 finally called it quits. I didnt know him personally but I have followed his posts through the years and noticed a lot of similarities between our poker histories. It is very unfortunate that he was unable to overcome his personal demons. I am impressed that he stuck with his word and really quit poker. On the flipside I am inspired by NeillyJQ who seems to have been able to overcome his degeneracy. Also I would like to say that my old buddy Trey who used to busto almost as often as me has really made me proud and continues to inspire me by becoming a 5/10 regular and seemingly has overcome his destructive tilt tendancies.

So I will now say it, and it shall be law. If ever there comes a day when my poker account reads 0.00 again. Then that will be the last day you will ever see Xervean at a poker table.

ps. want to give a thanks to all those who have put up with me and my constant bad beat stories and negative attitude over the years and done nothing but give me good advice; specifically ket, yomer, trey and twistedecho. I promise those days are over, and I will be nothing but positive from here on out!

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Yes thats right the great Xervean has recovered from the land of busto and has built his biggest bankroll in 1.5 years! After many deep meditations on a daily basis and study of the law of attraction... poker and for that matter life in general is much better. Tomorrow I shall begin the cross country road trip to vegas. I dont know who all is still down there, but if there is some kinda big lp gathering i'd like to meet some ppl(although i wont be playing credit card roulette )

Also if someone knows of a good place to stay/ has a place to stay for rent let me know

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Busto... 50/100 fixed limit didnt win a single hand.. Im taking this one really hard too, I am quite emotional right now. Usually when i bust it doesnt bother me and I just shake it off and laugh about it. This time however I was perfectly poised for the first time in a long time to really make a lot of money and I was totally secure in my bankroll. Its so devestating to do something so stupid repeatedly and flush it all away. I just dont know what im gonna do with myself. This sucks so bad, I would really be so fucked if I didnt have a job. I simply dont know what I can do to conquer these demons I have... I am back to square one again the same place I was in fucking nov 2005... 500$ and 25nl. I continually waste my time and piss away my social life to make all this money and now I have the same or less than I did in fucking 2005. I dont know what to fucking do im at a total loss. I mean some obviously will say I should quit.. but why the fuck would I quit now? I have these skills i spent like 2.5 years developing and I can run my 500 up to fucking 10k in 2 months easy so quitting doesnt make sense. But then again i'll just fucking lose it in a 5 minute period at some bullshit highstakes. How the fuck can I possibly overcome this?

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Comments (24)

So the day started off pretty shitty in omaha... lost 3 buy ins in hardly anytime at all. Fucked around playing some stud for a while at the 3/6 level made about 30$ then went back to omaha and got even for the day. So I was just kinda chilling playing some 100nl and the damned coffee shop announce closing time at 7pm for memorial day. wtf is that shit?!?! So I get kicked out and go to my car and decide that I need to gambooooooooooooool more. So I turn on my laptop and begin the quest for a wifi signal. I drive up and down the streets of norfolk searching and searching. I try out a mcdonalds but only get a local signal and couldnt get it to connect to internet. So on the way out a guy walks in with a pokerstars hat. And im like yo nice hat and we talk about jokerstars for a bit then I ask him where a good coffeshop/wifi spot is. So he tells me a place downtown and I head there. Unfortunately I get hella fucking lost and roam around for 2 hours. Eventually I stop at a 7/11 and buy a map. I get to my destination at long last and it appears to be a gas station so i go in to check it out. There was a small section on the side coffee shop style with tables and BINGOOOOO electrical outlet. So I plug in connect and SCORE im online. Also sitting next to me was a full blown african with colorful robes and wild designs and a bright yellow turban. Also the best part is he had a gym bag that said national geographic! I snuck a pic on my cell phone and once I figure out how to get it on my comp I will def post.

So I startup a 100nl session and tear it up winning 4 buy ins. Then I do flipaments at .02/.05 PLO because a friend was sitting. Somehow that put me on tilt and I played fixed limit which is total death to me. Ran the gauntlet and ended up dropping a good 1.6k over the course of a few hours. Then I play a 215 turbo and manage to win it and then take second in a 114. Then I joined a 5400fpp sat and won that. Now I unregistered my ticket to tourney$ and im playing 2 114$ sngs hoping to get even for the night. Will I? who knows but at least I made back a good chunk of what I tilted off at 30/60 fixed.

So in closing I definately need to just NOT play PLO or fixed limit until I have been tilt free for like 6 months. And well I really need to never play fixed limit again as long as I live.

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Alright so this damn coffee shop that im forced to play at due to no internet connection pisses me off sometimes. The kick me out at 11pm and its soooooooooooooo unstable. Today I had quads on the river in a BIG POT where i was guaranteed a guy with 70 vpips stack he had AT top pair. Sure enough fucking kicked me off and checked the hand back. So sick! Tbhack wanted me to tell funny story from little over a week ago. I was in 6 sngs and right after i started they announced closing in 15 damn minutes... so i was like hyachachachaacha tuff fish style. When they kicked me out i walked around the building frantically trying to pick up a wifi signal. Managed to find one and sat on the ground on cement and finished. Ended up making 100 profit so I was pumped. Anyways all things considered i have been running pretty hot. Today I finished up about 350$ Bringing my roll to 4550'ish. Im beginning to wonder why I didnt just play massively overrolled like 2 years ago.. My life would be so much better... sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much better.

ps. I played a little 50plo today and won 2 buy ins.. I def suck at it though and dont know what to do in so many situations. I guess i'll keep playing it and watch some vids on cr

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Well as many of you know im in the navy training to be a Seal. Until I get in what I feel is good enough shape to gg the training im doing IT work on a carrier. This can seriously cut into my poker time on occasion... Just had my first 4 day journey at sea which wasnt as bad as i had feared. I think I will be able to go to poker sites online but I wont be able to play.. We will be having a big 6-8 month deployment in mid sept which i am dreading.. so I would like to build a nice roll up before hand. Anyways im back on land for a good 2 weeks then i'll be leaving for 2 weeks then back for a month at least.

I had a wonderful session tonight playing 60$ sngs and some 100nl. Made about 600$ bringing my roll up close to 4k. Looking forward to all day pokerthons the next few days. I'll probably start out playing some cash then when i get tired grind sngs because they require no brain power at all. Im off work until wed so it will be like the old days hehe.. (cept they kick me outta this damn coffee shop at 11 every night so I cant stay tilting until 4am talk about bad beat (or perhaps guardian angel?))

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Well the question is... am I cured or am I degenerate for life? Only time will tell I suppose. I have been grinding it up the last few weeks starting at 200$ playing 15$ sngs ran that up to 1.2k played 50nl and 15/27$ sngs up to 3.7k... I hired Ket on as my bankroll advisor and he tells me to start 100nl and move down if i hit 3.2k so thats the plan starting tomorrow. Lets see if I can beat degeneracy once and for all!

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Comments (13)

I had a nasty downswing my first session returning to 100nl and lost about 4 buy ins. It was pretty sick, I flopped the nuts every hand and got sucked out on. I handled it very well though and stopped playing before my losses became to severe. I started playing a lot of 3/6 shorthanded fixed limit. I have been crushing it for about a week now and made around 1400$ in about 3100 hands. One of my friends suggested I stick to playing fixed limit while im running so hot at it and I think im gonna follow his advice. My bankroll is close to 3k now so I am well on my way to recovery. I'll probably start playing 100nl again soon but fixed is nice for a change.

I have really been playing and running bad in mtts. I dont know whats with me lately.. I used to make it deep like all the time.. but now I keep donking my stack off doing retarded stuff.. (and getting sucked out on occasionally) But im convinced im losing them due to bad play.. If you look up the top MTT players on pokerdb they always make a lot of final tables every month. Also I noticed that my ITM% is basically the same as most of the mtt pros... which means I am playing bad in the mid to late game phases. Im gonna start studying PXF videos and forums because I really want to get better.. I would really like a nice mtt score or two, especially since I wont be donking it off at highstakes this time around.

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