Time is moving too fast. Nature is getting greener faster than I anticipated. Soon it will be summer. Soon it will be too hot. Walking the dog in 70s and sunny felt all too normal. I would like to sit in that moment for a moment.
I read the Taoteching about once a year. I like the Red Pine translation. It takes me like 25% of the book to warmup. I am seeking my next great book though. Narcissus and Goldmund by Hermann Hesse was great. I think Steppenwolf had the most effect on me but Siddhartha was also great.
The other night I went out to dinner with some friends.
Chicken Tikka Masala $23
Mango Lassi $9
Garlic Naan $5
That's about $40 with tax and I tipped $10 so that is $50. I don't have a budget but that just seems like a lot of money. I'm searching for human connection. I'm supposed to have human connection right? Ivy League scholars will cite studies that I need human connection. I believe that I need human connection. Maybe ancient Chinese sages don't need human connection. I don't see how I get it. I've thought about going to clubs and just hanging out drinking cranberry and club sodas all night. That seems laughable HA! Almost as laughable as me understanding The Way and living this life as some sort of ancient Chinese sage HA!
I remember when all I wanted was a bass guitar. Then I got one. I loved it. Now, I find myself picking up the ole Epiphone SG that my brother gave to me years ago. It just seems like a natural flow of things.
I am trying to understand the Taoteching so I can live as an ancient Chinese sage. It's no easy task. Oceans and streams. Effortlessness. No action. I feel like living as a halfway sage is like living as a fool or maybe just a broke person. I am a broke person so it is easy to fantasize about living like a sage or a monk instead of just being a broke person. A failure of capitalism. A loser. Soft and weak.
So, I finally picked up the Amp Locker Dropped pedal. I've wanted to tune down my guitar for a long while now. I still might just get a set of 7 string strings and throw out the high string. I've heard I might have to file the nut down though which is something I don't really want to mess with. I don't think I even set up my bass guitar right so I better leave some of this stuff to the pros or I am just being a pussy. Anyways, I get the Dropped pedal and latency is ok. Everything is ok. Everything is just ok. It's a cool pedal. I'm not in Shangri-la. Something I have been chasing for more than a year and I finally get it and it's ok. I can play Mk.gee songs, I can play Boris songs, I don't have to file down the nut, I don't have to buy new expensive strings, I don't have to worry about the tuning holding. On to the next one I guess.
Now, that I am full throttle with Reaper and plug-ins I'm not really limited by gear. I'm limited by skill. I could use a larger keyboard but the real problem is that I have no piano skills. The point is I am content with what I have right now equipment wise and that is a good place to be in. In fact, I am thinking about selling some of my pedals. I don't make a lot of money but I naturally don't spend a lot of money. It pisses me off that I am forced to work. It pisses me off even more that I am forced to work and struggle with money but I think that frugality is a virtue. Virtue is one of the most important aspects of a Good Life.
Last night we had to put down the dog. Fucking sad man. He was a 14 year old golden retreiver so he had a good run but the cancer snuck up and got 'im real quick. Two nights ago I was giving him a standard walk through the neighborhood and the next night he was a goner. I saw a golden retreiver today at work and almost broke down and started crying. That was my buddy. So many hikes and walks. It's going to be weird as hell going for walks by myself for a while.
This no desire thing doesn't really have a chance when I just want my healthy dog back. It doesn't have a chance when I'm surrounded by beautiful women at work. It doesn't stand a chance when I desire to play the guitar and the piano like x, y, z.
I think sometimes I try to use this blog to empty out my brain. The thing is I think it works, partially. But, no matter what thoughts keep coming. Very few times in life am I empty and content. Probably most of them I was drinking and the alcohol worked. Some call it a heart and lungs place. So, fucked up only the heart and lungs work. This is what meditation is for but I can't seem to care about meditation anymore. I was in it for a while. Taking meditation lessons from Y. I can't seem to meditate that way anymore and I don't know what other path(s) to travel down. I was meditating 2-3 hours a day. I would be happy with 1 or 2 20-30 min. sessions in a day today.
The music just made me get up and dance, the next got me headbanging. I am empty and contente when I dance.
But then thoughts come back. Life can't always be bliss. There is a lingering contente. I don't feel like a bird pecking wildly at a button for food at random.
What if I am a bird pecking wildly at a button for food at random?
“Let there be a little country without many people. Let them have tools that do the work of ten or a hundred, and never use them. Let them be mindful of death and disinclined to long journeys. They’d have ships and carriages, but no place to go. They’d have armor and weapons, but no parades. Instead of writing, they might go back to using knotted cords. They’d enjoy eating, take pleasure in clothes, be happy with their houses, devoted to their customs.” - Lao Tzu
Desire, I was thinking about that after reading your blog. my last desire was to make 30$/hr in poker but ive lost that desire now. I completed my life's bucket list but there is 1 glaring omission that I didn't complete and won't complete was a kid. am I jealous of people with kids, na im happy for all my friends who has kids though. they look happy being parents. no legacy but its okay life goes on. other than that ive did all the things I wanted to do now. Time to help some people complete their list.
RIP to doggie and my condolonces rikd, hope ur okay.
thanks rikd, u made realize it was my ego talking that I wanted to win in poker cuz when I didn't care if I won or lost or drew, poker was more fun. now with poker out of the way I can finally be liberated again. that addiction has been holding me back. I get enough every month without needing to win in poker so what was my point for acquiring more when I have enough.
Because of death we are limited in action and have finite freedom (Heidegger). It's not wise to wander around active volcanoes. We are also bounded by labor. Survival costs time, money, and attention. The Good Life requires contemplation. Hyperfocus on work and survival is bare life, barely a life at all.
What am I doing here? I'm just sort of waitin' around to die or waitin' around to sleep or maybe both. No, I don't want to die yet. There are still some things to do.
I'm excited! I'll be growing jalapeno peppers this summer! I take care of my mom's garden when she is on vacation but this will be the first time I get to grow my own thing.
I'll never play the guitar like Jimi Hendrix. That's ok. I get to live past 27 and figure out how I want to play the guitar the way I want to. How I want to live my life the way I want to. Silly businessman you can't dress like me. Pointing your plastic finger... Damn, Jimi was pretty good though.
I honestly think that desire and libido keep me moving. I must temper my expectations but desire as the thought of desire I can't control it arising in my subconscious/conscious being. What I do with that thought is what matters. I don't see how I can ever become free of my desire to be free of my desire. Or, I just let the desires arise and float away down a river like in visual meditation. Some of them are certain to get stuck. Stick around for a while. But, man, no desire. That sounds like anhedonia. That sounds like a flat depression.
I desire to get a blowjob from Riley Reid. Well, that ain't happening in this lifetime but women are pretty good at blowjobs these days and anyways maybe I shouldn't judge a woman solely on her skill in felatio. Maybe this desire is why I take showers and brush my teeth and slave away so many hours in a week.
It is slaving away by the way. I am afraid of death so don't risk death in fighting my master(s). I submit to my master(s) in order to keep my life while my master(s) acheive power and freedom by being willing to risk death for that power and freedom. This does not mean the slave will always be afraid of death. There maybe moments where they will risk death and overtake the master(s). The master is also reliant on the slave. They are not as free and powerful as they seem or are they?
I get pretty good food, reasonable clothing, comfortable housing. There is the hope that I can carve out a decent life for myself. Maybe that is more than a hope. Should I risk my life for freedom and power? How much freedom and power is there out there for a guy like me? In fact, today, I am master and slave at the same time! I whip myself. I try not to. I try to be aware of this predicament. If I am busy at work I typically don't pause, I accelerate. I look for a flow state in this banal toil. Anything to get me through this forced work.
Above is just vibing with some Hegel and Byung-Chul Han. I think there are some super important concepts in there.
Jesus morality would always take the slave route. The slave will be free and powerful in the Kingdom of Heaven. Resist not evil. Turn the other cheek. The meek shall inherit the Earth. Let us pray that there is a Heaven! Or, at least pray that the Kingdom of God is within us!
But:
God is dead and we killed him!
There is no dress rehearsal. This is it!
Live as if the eternal reoccurence is real!
- Fred Nietzsche
There is a lot to think about. But, I probably wouldn't be thinking about any of this if I was getting a blowjob from Riley Reid. It can't just be about an empty and contente state. We acheive enlightenment/transcendence for a moment and then what.
What are you doing after the orgy?
I'm headed to the masked ball. (Baudrillard)
Then, what?
Have a cigarette. Fall asleep.
Drink some coffee. Go for a walk.
I had this female friend let's call her Tracy. I realized that I wanted to sleep with Tracy. The moment that this struck me as truth I kind of withdrew. Tracy had a partner. I liked Tracy's partner. I let the friendship wither. I actually feel ok with this outcome.
I went on a date with this woman named Babe. She was a babe. Southern belle. She had a Louis Vuitton bag which really turned me off. I was lonely though so I went on the date. It didn't go very well. I kind of have a rule now that I won't date women with Louis Vuitton bags.
The first time I made out with a girl was 7th grade. Her name was Kacey. I didn't know what I was doing. People laughed at me. She broke up with me. I actually think this made me a better kisser long term. Plus, all the practice I got with hookers and hoes. Thank God I didn't catch syphillus or a kid out of wedlock.
In the morning I drink my coffee out of a bowl with a lot of oat milk added. I don't know why this brings me so much pleasure but it does.
Now, that my dog Sydney is a pile of ashes I must go on walks alone. I miss him badly. The walks just don't feel quite right and I'm uncertain how long that will last. Walking the dog was a foundational thing for me. One of my pillars.
Ok. I think I am pretty tired now. Maybe I can drift off into sleep.
Thank you. I listened to the Unself album once while driving and once while walking. Pretty good stuff. It makes me feel kind of depressed actually but connected. That is just my first impressions anyway.
ChatGPT suggested I read The Book of Disquiet by Pessoa. I never read the whole thing for some reason but I am reading it now. Pessoa's Aunt plays solitaire, Pessoa writes The Book of Disquiet, and I just muck about on LP writing blog posts. The thought made me laugh out loud.
I'm either going to write a shitty country song about my dead dog or I'm going to teach myself how to do harsh vocals. Not sure if I'm a fry guy or a false cord guy. The correct answer might be all of the above....
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United States. Mar 30 2026 20:52. Posts 9760
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