I went to Food Not Bombs today! The anarchy is strong there. I was in the right place. We prepared some food and supplied the local community with a meal. It felt like I was at home. It was nice to just be extremely openly leftist in real life and accepted for it. It was also nice helping out. There was a reduction in food waste and some hungry people got some good food.
Then I got invited to go over to a friend's house after the meeting. She was celebrating 1 year sobriety. She has a boyfriend but I can't help but have a bit of a crush on her. I think this one might pass on pretty soon but I just really like her as a human being. It's one of those things that would probably pass if I had more contact romantically with one or two or three other women. It would just fall by the wayside. But this just lingers a bit. I'm not going to pull some moves to try and win her over like Henry17. I think that's a bit of a douche move. There are plenty of fish ya know?
It was just good to get out and socialize ya know? I think I may just be content with a group of leftist friends and a group of drunks. It crosses off a lot of the boxes. I mean these were some hardcore leftists and anarchists and like 20 of them in total. It was fucking eye opening. I have been kind of a closeted leftist and anarchist most of my life and then I go to FnB and there are all these flaming leftist and anarchist just fucking riffing and going HAM on every topic. And I still need my hardcore drunks and addicts that get me. I add some dating to the mix and a new job and c'est magnifique. Also, easier said than done and I realize I am typing right now but it has been working with less saying and more doing. I think my therapist helped me too. Saying she wants to just kick me off the cliff edge if she could. I just like writing and thinking after a day of doing stuff. Hell, I like writing and thinking at many times throughout the day. I wish there was more activity here and in the general forums.
There is also the idea of fear of failure and fear of success. I definitely don't fear having more and better quality friends. That always enhances life. Getting more involved in leftist activity and organizations I've been meaning to do for years. Helping people is always a positive in my life. I think dating adds a little interest to life that is much obliged. And of course having a job, a project, that is worthwhile and enjoyable is an important aspect of life.
Am I forgetting anything?
That is another thing. I am always obsessed about the good life. I contemplate the good life because I am obsessed with the contemplative life. There is something to be said for just doing. There is something to be said for thinking and writing and discourse. Life is complicated. People are complicated. Consciousness is complicated. God is complicated. I want to know scientifically what works in life. I also don't mind anecdotally what works but every human being is different. Playing the harp isn't going to work for me but painting does. Human connection, nature, exercise, eating reasonably well. getting in a sane daily bread, et al.................
Joy, literature, knowledge, wisdom, I mean I could go on forever. Christianity, Buddhism, Taoism, Stoicism, et al...........................
I start like breaking down if I try to think about everything at once. I'm just glad that I've read what I've read so far and that I need to continue to read. But having conversations with people is incredibly valuable as well. Then we die. The End.
That's not a bad house track but I am probably done with pool parties for this lifetime. Get me out to the forest instead. Or if it has to be a party I'd prefer an intimate house party or getting together at a local, indie establishment. Pool parties are fucking plastic to the core especially since I live 15 min. from the ocean (BRAG). The house will be underwater in 20 years (DOH).
It didn't feel like I did much today. Ran errands, went for a walk, read some Chomsky, took a nap, read some David Foster Wallace, spent maybe too much time on reddit. Tinder feels like a waste of time. I enjoy spending time with Chomsky and David Foster Wallace. Maybe I needed a break. I was suppose to go to a music show tonight but wasn't really feeling it. I thought I might go to the meeting across town where my crush is picking up her 1 year chip but that seemed kind of creepy since I have never been to that meeting before so I didn't go. That's why I need (want) Tinder to pick up some more action so I have multiple women I'm interested in. Who knows... I don't need a date. I simply want a date(s).
I weighed myself today and I weighed 218 lbs. That seems like a lot. I haven't weighed myself in at least 6 months. I didn't know I weighed that much. My pants still fit. At least most of them. I guess I have an eating problem. It would probably be wise to train too. Training would be good for a number of things as well as eating better. In this moment I don't want to think about it or do anything about it. That's just the way it is. So, that is another problem in my life. At least I have gotten honest about it and recognized it instead of casually ignoring it.
Ah well. I'm just passing some time before sleep. I'm certainly not going to have it all figured out tonight... I just really enjoyed my day yesterday and the prospect of having more days like that is exciting yet at the same time I do need some quiet time to read or think (to nourish my soul). I didn't feel much boredom today or any real existential dread so that is a positive. I was just ok today.
Calmly we walk through this April’s day,
Metropolitan poetry here and there,
In the park sit pauper and rentier,
The screaming children, the motor-car
Fugitive about us, running away,
Between the worker and the millionaire
Number provides all distances,
It is Nineteen Thirty-Seven now,
Many great dears are taken away,
What will become of you and me
(This is the school in which we learn ...)
Besides the photo and the memory?
(... that time is the fire in which we burn.)
(This is the school in which we learn ...)
What is the self amid this blaze?
What am I now that I was then
Which I shall suffer and act again,
The theodicy I wrote in my high school days
Restored all life from infancy,
The children shouting are bright as they run
(This is the school in which they learn ...)
Ravished entirely in their passing play!
(... that time is the fire in which they burn.)
Avid its rush, that reeling blaze!
Where is my father and Eleanor?
Not where are they now, dead seven years,
But what they were then?
No more? No more?
From Nineteen-Fourteen to the present day,
Bert Spira and Rhoda consume, consume
Not where they are now (where are they now?)
But what they were then, both beautiful;
Each minute bursts in the burning room,
The great globe reels in the solar fire,
Spinning the trivial and unique away.
(How all things flash! How all things flare!)
What am I now that I was then?
May memory restore again and again
The smallest color of the smallest day:
Time is the school in which we learn,
Time is the fire in which we burn.
That's pretty good Santafairy. I didn't peg you for appreciating poetry.
I was watching Mexie's new video today and at one point I found myself lost in her bottom lip. I don't mean to degrade Mexie to the status of her mere bottom lip it just happened. It's not as if I stay there and summarize the video to "Wow, Mexie's lips are amazing..." The video was good. The message far more important than Mexie's bottom lip.
I almost masturbated today to a pornography that didn't even include the woman's head or face. Ugh, porn is kind of gross. So, I masturbated to a pornography of a woman I found very attractive that turns out doesn't have money for rent so then she has sex with her landlord. Landlords are fucking gross too but this woman's tits were phenomenal and had a complimentary ass. The (fake) moans and screams seem to cheer me on to boot.
That crush I talked about earlier has passed. She is 20... lol. That's way too fucking young. She is one cool chica though especially for 20. I thought she was 26. Frees me up a bit. Feels good actually. Time to move on. Rightfully so.
I have a hard time being attracted to obese women. They are human too. I feel for them. I just don't want to date them...
The funny thing is most women probably have a hard time being attracted to a broke man. I (we) are human too. They may feel for us. They just don't want to date us...
C'est la vie.
I'll go sexless if it means I can keep some of my dignity. Whose defining dignity here? The elite or the anarchist? That's a problem. The top of the hierarchy tends to define the words. They write the history. They are the ones who can manufacture consent. I don't care. I know what dignity means to me.
Some of these 24-26 year olds on Tinder. My goodness. What was I doing at that age? I was getting high and playing poker. That's what I was doing.
Is there anyone on this site that never objectifies women?
When I was meditating for 2+ hours a day and really into Buddhism I honestly didn't objectify women. It was strange. Then I basically stopped cold turkey and it came right back naturally. Everyone around me was doing it. It is my natural state?
This is how I spend my time... I work and then I come home late at night only to do the whole thing again the next day. I guess I am taking a break from David Foster Wallace interviews and reading David Foster Wallace. Sometimes I wonder why I spend so much time with him. He killed himself. Infinite Jest is an absolute Masterpiece though.
I just feel ... bored yes? But also a bit empty. I think that's what happens when it's wake up, work, come home late at night with not much to do and do it all over again the next day. My willpower seems like it's shot. I'm tired. I just thought about painting but I don't have it in me. So I write on here. It passes the time even though I feel like time is passing faster and faster and soon I will be dead or maybe even worse in the same place. God do I love music though. That's something I can't believe I gave up when I went deeper into Buddhism.
I'm really jamming to this one atm:
There are a lot of principles of Buddhism that are pretty important or insightful. I wish I wouldn't disregard them or forget about them. I don't really see me practicing 8 precepts. ......
The truth is I am currently in a time where I don't know how to live life. I am just surviving until I can get a day off then maybe we will figure something out. All my days off seem to be the same though too. I honestly think marijuana might be able to help me through these times immensely. There's no telling what would happen if I start though. The thing is I can take Xanax and be ok.... why can't I do other drugs and be ok? Alcohol is off the table. As is crack, heroine, meth, etc. But what about MDMA or marijuana? This is probably what a certain phase of relapse looks like but I'm just putting it on the table. This is what I think about.
I am still unsure if I even get through this life without committing suicide. Somedays that feels silly or I don't even come close to thinking about it. Other days I just don't see how I make it out of here without demapping myself.
This song cheers me up a bit.
Oh, I got invited to a pow wow. I can't kill myself before then. I have so many questions for the former chief who now is the chief historian. We all have so much to learn from the natives about ecology and so much more.
How do you guys do it though? What would you do if you got home at 11pm after a hard day's work?
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hiems United States. Feb 04 2020 16:40. Posts 2979
Im not sure if you should keep talking about your contemplating of suicide on here. I really don't think its appropriate? (not sure if thats the right word but its a delicate and unique situation so excuse me). I for one would feel pretty bad about the whole situation if you did end up killing yourself, as I think would many others. I dont particularly like you for various reasons but I definitely do not want you to kill yourself. Not only that but there would be legal exposure to several people on this site, though I dont think anyone would be liable at this moment in time. I mean I've made my share of stupid blog posts and so have many others, but I feel like you are crossing the line here into egregious territory. Im not sure why the mods just let this thing go on forever. I really don't think being a fellow liberal or RikD being a personal friend of mods on this site is an excuse for this...At a minimum I think a warning is warranted.
I beat Loco!!! [img]https://i.imgur.com/wkwWj2d.png[/img]
For the one millionth time you don't have to read my blog.
If I kill myself it will not be because someone on here was mean to me or x, y, z told me to do it.
Maybe the most offending aspect to your post is that you called me liberal and my also not-liberal comrades liberal.
This is all so silly. Get a life hiems. That suicide talk was pretty tame. I didn't even talk about how I think I will mix a bunch of alcohol and xanax if I do decide to de-map myself. That's where I am at suicide wise these days. But I have hope these days. It's more so if I am 45 and in the same spot I am today that would be really beyond depressing. If I make it to 46 the plan would probably change to leaving a well written multi-paged suicide note and hanging myself like my kindred spirit David Foster Wallace but that is weird and he mistreated women so that's not going to be a plan. There are no suicide plans. I'm just trying to live life as a guy who runs into suicidal ideations at times.
I am doing my best not to withdraw from life but to engage in life. With all the hell around Earth it is difficult to do. So, what do I do? I withdraw more and read more about the atrocities. Why would I want to engage in a world ruled by capitalism and capitalists?
I have alcoholism. I have Bipolar I. I am in recovery. I am doing my best. Capitalism is not my friend. What are these blog posts? Are they nothing but fucking self-centeredness self-gratification? Cheap entertainment? Ask yourselves that question hiems, Santafairy, et al. Self-centeredness self-gratification. Grasping. Clutching. Feeling. Something. Oh look. Someone responded. OPAMINE* They said that! OPAMINE* OPAMINE* OPAMINE* What are we all fucking dopamine whores? Fuck the whole lot of ya! Fuck me? Fuck You! You ugly orangutang mother fucker! 200 views, 300 views, 400 views. Post post post post post. We have action ladies and gentleman! LUDIC LAISSE-FAIRE LABORATORY OF LIQUID POKER! DEAL WITH IT HIEMS!
This fucking website man. Brohams. I am just bitter. I just finished a painting I was working on most of the day. I'm not going to upload it right now because my phone is charging and I don't feel like it but it was a fun journey. I'm really pleased with the concept and the colors. It came to me in a dream and I had to paint it.
Empty Liquidpoker.net just makes me feel empty. I would paint something else but it's hard to match the intensity of inspiration. Trying to force it just feels impotent and banal. So I am just sitting here lonely listening to songs like:
I don't even like Drake it just came up on the radio and this is the mood I'm vibing with. And I'm slightly embarrassed about that but ... I don't know.
Oh well, I know what to do when I'm lonely. Hopelessly scroll through Tinder.... nah.... Infinite Jest. It's the best book ever if you are a bit sad and lonely.
What do I GET from LP?
What do I GIVE to LP?
Self-centered self-gratification. That is what I am looking for at the moment. If I had a BB (Bad Bitch) at the crib right now I wouldn't even eat her out or use toys. I'd greeedily coerce the positions I want and then cum fast and not even call before I cum. I wouldn't use a condom and probably cum inside of her. Then I'd ignore her and watch entertainment. If there was entertainment that was so entertaining you wouldn't want to do anything else would you watch it? Even if it means you would probably die of dehydration eventually?
Bone Thugs and weed is a good combination. I miss that combo to be honest. I can't help but listen to "Budsmokers Only" and feel that sentiment.
What am I doing here?
I would like to have an earnest discussion on entertainment and self-gratification and pleasure. I can't have that feeling of paradise from painting 24/7 that is just unreasonable. But I miss it. I crave it. What am I supposed to do? It's a re-occuring theme. What am I supposed to do at midnight on a Thursday night when I am in the crib by myself and stimulated. I painted all day, ran some errands, painted some more, hung out with friends so I was feelin' it all day then boom I'm alone. That is the problem with man eh? Can't deal with being by himself alone in a room. No one answers my questions so I just keep writing. The music is good. My phone is dead. I am thirsty. So, I will unplug the headphones and get something to drink..............
Fuck it I'll just click post and get it over with. I need to be doing something better with my time anyway.
United States. Jan 27 2020 07:07. Posts 8522
OPAMINE* They said that! 
