Vacation

My attitudes and beliefs may be why I have no friends. Akathisia is maddening at times but social anxiety may be even worse. I'm really fucked up guys. I am in a position where I basically have to join protests to meet people or at least it feels that way. Yet, I can't even be bothered to do any Google sleuthing. I'm back on Tinder because I'm bored and lonely....

I'm bored and lonely.

I am rarely free.

Woe is me.


It has sounded like a fucking warzone outside all night. These people are nuts. How can I fit into this world?

It's not your fault. I ask myself the same question, but do I really want to try to fit in? Rarely. I don't think I will ever be able to. The only thing I can hope for is to find people who feel the same. I know they're out there, it's just a matter of having the opportunity to meet them, and I haven't had it while I was ill. I know it's not going to be on Tinder, nor on Facebook. That shit's not real life and it's designed to make us miserable.

I actually reached out to some girl on Facebook recently, something I never do, because I'm lonely and I was hoping to spark a new friendship because she's going to a bunch of shows in common with me and she's into Gaspar Noé and climbing and other shit I like. To my surprise, she accepted my invite and we got to talk a bit and it was all fine, but now she's not responding to a very basic question, "what are your favorite albums so far this year?" and I've just been feeling stupid and vulnerable and doubting myself even though I know I didn't screw this up in any way. I'm not used to these feelings anymore, obsessing over getting a message or a like; I hadn't used Facebook in over a year for anything else other than keeping track of events. But it's really a drug, especially when you are socially isolated.

Yeah, I don't remember the last time I was on Facebook. Tinder was a bad experiment. But, on the other hand I matched with all these women I could be talking to. I went to an AA meeting this morning with a friend. People are friendly enough. We have our alcoholism in common. I wouldn't say I don't fit in there but all these God tropes and things happening for a reason I have a hard time with. I get along well with most of the people I work with. I think that is important as I spend so much time there. That is not really freedom through a relationship however. Even if it is nice talking to one of the women in the seafood dept. today about tattoos while getting some vegan food at the hot bar on break. There are quite a lot of vegans who work there. One of the women there that I like ordered some vegan slices today which makes her even more attractive than she already was. I don't really know how to take things further (with anyone including her) as it is mostly just brief interactions. I am mostly just making pizzas all day. I guess I just hang around long enough and have enough positive interactions maybe something goes somewhere maybe it doesn't.

I had a good friend that was an anarchist that switched stores and I stopped going to the Buddhist recovery meetings and we just haven't spoken since. That's really a bummer. I don't know. I don't think I went to an AA meeting for like 3 months??? It wasn't bad driving up there with my friend and having some breakfast afterward. It reminded me that is really what I want. That freedom with the Other. As much as I want to fit in I'm obviously not going to fit square pegs into round holes. Which may land me back at this damn CPU writing blog posts which I guess is ok if that's what I have to do. Or, more accurately that's what ends up happening. I guess that is part of the problem. I am ok with my plight. I'm really not but I am.

My therapist keeps talking about what am I going to dip my toes in? I dipped my toes in Tinder but it's not Real. There is always that shimmer of hope in that it is real and I can chat with these women and perhaps date them and find some freedom. I am actually surprised I have been as successful at matching all these women as my profile is the most polarizing thing ever.

I think I would rather have some good friends and a good group over dating at this point. I'd rather something develop more organically through friends and mutual friends than the Tinder shit show. Although, the more I write about Tinder the more I have the urge to check my matches and messages. Ugly business. Maybe I'll read some more Byung-Chul Han. It's between Byung-Chul Han, a Mark Fisher blog, or "The Trial" by Franz Kafka.

what is it that you don't "fit in", and what kind of group are you looking for? i mean most of the time people from the group are people that "fit in" right? or not necessarily? question is, would said group be beneficial to you *if they are composed of people who "fit in" when you said yourself that you're most likely never going to,

I've never used Tinder but I heard it's not hard to get matches even if you're polarizing, it's just that it doesn't go anywhere and people ghost a lot. I guess it's good in the short term for you to get matches to gratify your ego, but the downside is that you got more to lose as a result.

I think it goes back to what I said to you before you got heavily invested in Buddhism. The fact that you're not suffering enough to push yourself to change things. Most people struggle with this to differing degrees. Being "okay with your plight but not really". It's like that dog and nail story. Learned helplessness of sorts, which is due to the oppressive nature of our Business Culture society and the poverty and lack of accessibility of meaningful relationships, especially romantic relationships.

Personally, I've been really sick for over 6 months, so it's still fresh in my mind that I could be severely incapacitated, which makes me want to do things and take risks now that I'm doing better. It's like I'm on a clock until the next time. Like Schopenhauer said, health is something we take for granted. It's only when something bothersome impresses itself upon our senses that we take notice that we had something we enjoyed and remember that it is worth preserving. That's why philosophies like Stoicism and Buddhism are so helpful for psychological health, because they introduce such reminders in our daily routine in the form of rituals.

On July 07 2019 07:19 Raidern wrote: what is it that you don't "fit in", and what kind of group are you looking for? i mean most of the time people from the group are people that "fit in" right? or not necessarily? question is, would said group be beneficial to you *if they are composed of people who "fit in" when you said yourself that you're most likely never going to,

I have fit into groups in the past.

- Children I lived near in elementary school
- People that drank and smoked weeds in various venues in high school
- The people in my dorm in college
- poker players
- alcoholics
- sober alcoholics

That's kind of an oversimplification but mostly true.

I don't fit in on Main Street and misfits are not easy to find.

On July 07 2019 07:59 Loco wrote: I've never used Tinder but I heard it's not hard to get matches even if you're polarizing, it's just that it doesn't go anywhere and people ghost a lot. I guess it's good in the short term for you to get matches to gratify your ego, but the downside is that you got more to lose as a result. I think it goes back to what I said to you before you got heavily invested in Buddhism. The fact that you're not suffering enough to push yourself to change things. Most people struggle with this to differing degrees. Being "okay with your plight but not really". It's like that dog and nail story. Learned helplessness of sorts, which is due to the oppressive nature of our Business Culture society and the poverty and lack of accessibility of meaningful relationships, especially romantic relationships. Personally, I've been really sick for over 6 months, so it's still fresh in my mind that I could be severely incapacitated, which makes me want to do things and take risks now that I'm doing better. It's like I'm on a clock until the next time. Like Schopenhauer said, health is something we take for granted. It's only when something bothersome impresses itself upon our senses that we take notice that we had something we enjoyed and remember that it is worth preserving. That's why philosophies like Stoicism and Buddhism are so helpful for psychological health, because they introduce such reminders in our daily routine in the form of rituals.

Yeah, I was talking to a woman last night and she called it "window shopping." A lot of "window shoppers" on here and asked me directly if I was serious. I thought it was a good way to put it and I am not innocent of window shopping. I just thought I would dip my toes into the water and see what happens but I don't think I'm ready to date in this fashion. My akathisia and anxiety makes me very fearful of a date.

Yeah, shit is fucked up.

Glad you are doing better. Grab life by the horns and all that.

I never read that dog and nail story. I like simple stories like that. I am a dog sitting on a nail and my whimpering and moaning can certainly be seen on here.

I heavily considered going to the Refuge Recovery meeting tonight although I don't identify as a Buddhist. Just someone who likes a lot of the tenets and dislikes a lot of stuff about it too. I was thinking back that my life was better when I was heavily invested in Buddhism in a way. I remembered some of my shares at the time and albeit being a bit over zealous I think I actually was in a pretty good place. I wasn't filled with the anxiety I am now. I have to find some medium with all of this. I am likely in a phase where I start going to AA again. The God stuff there is just so silly though. I'll take the silly'ness of Yuttadhammo Bikkhu over the silly'ness of some of the stuff you get in AA. No, I wouldn't go back to Y. That whole situation he's got going is kind of fucked. Writing this out makes me realize just how lost I feel all over again. I think I need to meet someone who asks me to go to a protest. I don't know if I have the gumption to do it on my own. But, what are the chances of meeting that person. Protests are full of these people yet I am seemingly impotent to figuring out how to get to one. I don't know how many times on here I have said activism maybe my last shot. I still have art. Which reminds me I have to buy more canvases but I am a mediocre artist. Activism could supply salvation. Even if it doesn't it's still a worthwhile project. Maybe the only worthwhile project I have left.

I really enjoyed history. Back when I knew how to annotate like a boss. You had to get the rhetoric right, the evidence had to be on point, and again if you didn't get the footnotes right some Profs would lose their shit. I actually enjoyed looking through sources trying to piece a case together. I wish I still had that badass Alienware CPU. I never backed it up and it had so much good shit on there. I don't have any papers I wrote in college which is a bummer. Not that I would go back to school... I don't want to be $200,000 in debt with a MA or PHD in History. That just seems crazy to me. Similarly, for philosophy or social, political, cultural theory. I'm like $3,000 in debt right now due to medical bills and it is stressing me out enough. It sucks even more because my meds are fucking me up so it's not easy to just switch Doctors at the moment. It took them probably like 4 months to decline my financial assistance request so the bills just piled up. I'm not happy about it. Oh well, I have to follow through and see what can be done about it tomorrow.

Doesn't seem like too bad of a tour of duty. I've given up on being smuggled into Rojava though. Not worth it to me and unfortunately I need my medications. Hopefully, I can visit one day flying into Aleppo and renting a car but that day may never come.

Yeah I thought you'd partly enjoy listening to this because it makes you feel like you're not missing all that much, although this is only the military wing. From what I've seen the internationalist commune is better and you don't suffer these types of disappointments that the 'man of action' feels because the YPG has to protect foreigners, but you have to be useful to the revolution if you want to feel good living in a commune.

I don't know if I was ever a "man of action" but sitting around in a base in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do doesn't sound fun. I actually would enjoy that daily schedule though of PT, breakfast, military training, free time, lunch, military training, free time, dinner, free time. I guess there is always some form of guard or patrol which would likely be boring but even worse you have to be focused because something could happen. When I was a security guard at a corporate building on night shift I could pretty much just not care pretty much as long as I made sure there were no water breaks throughout the building. I would go on a languid patrol and then dick around with the security cameras for a while and then watch podcasts until it was time to go on patrol again. On guard for potential ISIS mo' fuckers doing things it's going to be boring but I am on watch. I haven't heard about the commune. Again, I don't think I could go because I need my meds but that might be more my speed even though military training is something I would be interested in. The main issue is getting my lithium and an anti-psychotic as going manic with out doctors and potentially a psych ward is not good for anyone. The other issue is I don't like the idea of ending up in an Iraqi prison. I don't have the balls to take that chance, or I don't care about the revolution enough, or I'm not crazy enough, or all 3. There are likely plenty of opportunities locally to get involved in but yeah, I guess maybe none of those are quite as exciting as Rojava. I just want to do Food Not Bombs and I never have that day off. I could always call that day off....

funny imo that the word akathesia literally means "not sitting down" in Greek and it's used as a medical term globally
I imagine it sounds pretty exotic for non greek speakers

another one

Definitely some de-romanticizing in that video. There are no Zinars in Shangri-La. Eating tramadols on the regular. Fucking hell man.

From what I've heard from other internationalists before, the Rojava military isn't hierarchical/disciplinary, so I think this is particular to some internationalist groups only. It isn't surprising that Westerners are fleeing their own shitty society looking for a better one and bringing their egos/addictions with them. I think most people would find it a lot easier to overcome their addictions there if they were isolated/directionless back home, but some people are going to be problematic no matter what. Curious to see what will happen from this, he changed the title to "YPG International exposed" which ought to bring even more attention to the problem.

It makes no sense to me that a military unit has no hierarchy or discipline, really. It's no place for debate. Someone gives the order, someone executes it as commanded, simple as that. This would be a huge liability in a combat imo. Their discussion about the youtube video (2nd video) is very cringy. A 2nd in command asks you to shut the video off, take it down, don't discuss whether it makes sense or not.

I'm using those terms in an anarchist context. These libertarian socialist guerillas are hardcore anti-authoritarians. Officers are appointed through internal elections and they are supposed to be recallable if their egos or incompetence is getting in the way of the unit's functioning. Another way to put it is to say it's supposed to be a competence/functional hierarchy rather than a value/dominance hierarchy. You have to first understand that the YPG internationalists are not paid to be there, they are doing this voluntarily for free because they believe in the revolution. There is of course 'discipline' but the structure of the unit isn't disciplinary: there are no drill sergeants, no punishments, no getting yelled at, no climbing up the ranks for better pay and prestige. Leaders are supposed to put themselves on the same level as others, they are just chosen to make certain decisions for time constraint/efficiency purposes. Of course if you're incompetent or dangerous to others they'll warn you or send you home.

Well, he did take down the video, he just thought it was strange that those specific criticisms were made when there are other official videos that are still up and don't obey those rules. Also the suicide thing is pretty interesting because it directly seems to link to incompetence, if what he says is true, the guy had to do bureaucratic work for a drug addicted commander for 5-6 months and was terribly depressed, he had only signed up to fight and kill ISIS members.

Yea I failed to consider the points in the first part of your post.