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Satisfying desires

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RiKD    United States. Sep 18 2018 17:52. Posts 5499
Is life all about satisfying desires?

Every whim that pops up? How can we keep track?

I am writing a blog because when I gave up LP all I was doing was substituting with endlessly scrolling through Reddit: Girls gone wild. I mean I was doing useful stuff too but for me r/ggw is useless and unwholesome. I hadn't masturbated for a long time but I think sitting in a car scrolling through r:ggw led to more desire like a forest fire and I ended up lusting after Lana Rhoades. I satisfied that desire. I felt pleasure. Then what? I have kind of eased back from 8 precepts so does it matter? Not really. I don't feel guilty. I would go into it more but I wonder if this is all jibberish to everyone.

I meditated for a while before I left yesterday and was mindful for maybe an hour or two on the drive. I got to a state where I wanted nothing. I had no desires. No greed, no anger, maybe some delusion. It was really weird. I wanted to always be in that state. It didn't stay for too long maybe 20-30 min. Then I was scarfing down pizza and scrolling through r/ggw on my phone before it ran out of batteries. I think a part of it is on the trip it become so clear spending my days with ordinary folk that that is so not the life for me. It was nice seeing my family but I could just as easily detach and be ok. Even the setup of towns was jarring: Bank, McDonald's, grocery store. I don't even want to go into it too much here either as most people on this site are probably living an ordinary life with aspirations of getting married, owning a house, having children, work, and chores.

My point is I don't think it's all about satisfying desires. Being on call for every thought that arises is madness. It is about detaching from desires. Letting go of desires. Letting go of the habituated paths in our lives. I am not quite there with LP obviously (or pornography and masturbation) but that is ok. I got hooked again in both cases today. I am back home. I have desire for excitement and insight from LP and desire for escape and pleasure with pornography and masturbation. The only useful one is insight and I am not sure how much I actually get from here.

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ThrowAway129   Korea (South). Sep 20 2018 02:07. Posts 1

Hey, a lot of people are wrestling with similar issues. I realize it takes a particular personality to fix your attitude to meaning by reading philosophy books, but this worked for me: https://meaningness.com/
Linking it just in case it works for you as well.

To answer your question directly - no, life is not just about satisfying whims, or even ambitions. That's just a small part of what gives life meaning.
However, reversed stupidity is not intelligence. Letting go of some desires may help, but letting go of meaning entirely is the wrong answer.


RiKD    United States. Sep 20 2018 17:05. Posts 5499

Satisfying whims or even ambitions give life no meaning. It's all an illusion. It's all clinging and suffering. I am not sure if I know what you mean by reversed stupidity. Why is letting go of meaning entirely the wrong answer? I suppose I don't let go of meaning entirely. My goal is the freedom from suffering and dissatisfaction. Understanding impermanence, suffering, and non-self.

My path is to take refuge in the Buddha, Dhamma, Sangha. My path is to practice Buddhism. I'm not always in it. I have doubts but meditation and getting into the Suttas is illuminating.


Yesterday, I listened to music in my car for the first time in about a month. I ended up turning it up all the way and I started to cry and dance. The tears seemed bittersweet. I was overcome with emotion but I also knew that this was not beneficial but I wanted it to be. I had the feelings that if I am just going to quit the 8 precepts why don't I just start drinking again too. But, then a song would come up that would remind me of living in some version of hell. That goes for recent times too. Trying to wrestle highs out of sober living. Going Tinder sick. It can feel fun in the moment. It can be stimulating, exciting, or hit on that dopamine in the right way but in the end it is all a bumpy road.

It's not like I masturbate 7 times a day but if the precept says refrain from sexual activity masturbating even once every other day or at all is not acceptable. It's the same with the music. It feels good. It is pleasurable. The downsides are seemingly unnoticeable but they are there. It's clinging. It's a desire. Yesterday for some reason this woman I was involved with had a hold on me and I found this woman who looks very much like her. It was an exceptional wanking session but in the end was quite dissatisfying. I was not in her vagina and I was not with the woman who had a spell on me which again all of that is impermanent and suffering.

Then I go to a rooftop bar overlooking the ocean because my dad's cousin wants to take pictures of dolphins, pelicans, and the sunset and it is just a pleasant place for rich, white people from the rich, white suburbs to have a drink. There was this woman there: Black dress, black stilettos. I noticed the shoes and was like she wants to get fucked. She had clearly had a few white wines and was quite social and flirtatious. She was the epitome of who my target would be these days if I was still in the worldly life. This is an example of how desire breeds desire. But, you know what? I just relaxed and sipped on my cranberry and soda water eavesdropping on the ridiculous conversations this table of rich, white housewives were having at the table next to me.

I probably shouldn't even come to LP at all. The Buddha and meditation has all the answers I need but I am just on 5 precepts now so fuck it I guess. It's interesting to get responses like above.


RiKD    United States. Sep 20 2018 18:06. Posts 5499

Another thing on being content. A friend texted me the other day asking how I was doing. I said I was mostly peaceful and content. He commented on the peace as "it doesn't get much better than that" but made no mention of the content. He started his own business and is now a multimillionaire retiree. I live with my parents and work part-time making pizzas. I think from his perspective I am a little crazy but from my perspective he is a little crazy. He is probably wondering how is this kid content? I must follow the Buddha's path and the Dharma and the Sangha. That 20 or 30 minutes I had a reprieve from wants and desires was not quite a bliss but it was certainly an equanimity or tranquility. We stopped at a gas station and my mom asked me if I wanted anything and I responded as if I was noting: "I want nothing."

How much is enough? There are a lot of grey areas in this existence.

How much do we let the forest fires flare in indulging in and chasing our desires?

There are people throughout time that have renounced and abstained from about as much as one can and are told to be the most peaceful and content humans to have lived. Now, I can't be a monk and it seems unreasonable to go out to the Himalayas and live in a cave so what should my life look like? What should your life look like?

I don't really know what that looks like but I think I have to just continue working so I can sustain and nourish myself so I can meditate and study Suttas. When I told my uncle this he asked me what I did for fun and I just shrugged. He looked at me like I was crazy. I look at him like he is crazy. There is so much insight to be gained through meditation and study.


RiKD    United States. Sep 21 2018 14:29. Posts 5499

My parents have visitors and they were all watching the NFL football game last night so I reluctantly watched the 4th quarter. It was pretty stupid. The advertisements are so relentless. Cars, beers, Kentucky Fried Chicken! It's just all so vapid. So ordinary unfortunately.

 Last edit: 22/09/2018 10:18

RiKD    United States. Sep 21 2018 14:31. Posts 5499

I think sometimes I exaggerate or mislabel the people of LP. I am curious:


RiKD    United States. Sep 21 2018 14:32. Posts 5499


Poll: Do you want to get married?
(Vote): Yes
(Vote): No (but want a partner)
(Vote): No (but don't want a partner)


RiKD    United States. Sep 21 2018 14:34. Posts 5499


Poll: Do you want to have kids?
(Vote): Yes
(Vote): No


RiKD    United States. Sep 21 2018 14:36. Posts 5499


Poll: How much money do you want to make a year?
(Vote): $0 - $40,000
(Vote): $40,000 - $80,000
(Vote): $80,000 - $120,000
(Vote): $120,000 - $300,000
(Vote): $300,000+


RiKD    United States. Sep 21 2018 14:41. Posts 5499


Poll: Do you want to own a home?
(Vote): Yes
(Vote): No


RiKD    United States. Sep 21 2018 15:08. Posts 5499


Poll: Age?
(Vote): 18 - 24
(Vote): 25 - 29
(Vote): 30 - 34
(Vote): 35 - 39
(Vote): 40+


Raidern   Brasil. Sep 21 2018 20:49. Posts 4199

when did you start getting interested in Buddha? I don't remember reading anything about it in your old blog posts.

im a regular at nl5 

RiKD    United States. Sep 22 2018 01:49. Posts 5499

My aunt is Buddhist but I just thought it was weird that she didn't drink. I thought it was weird that monks didn't have sex or drink. I didn't really think much of it until I stopped drinking (and stopped having sex) and was advised to get more spiritual. I had this vision of this jolly, fat Buddha and it was all kind of weird to me. Reincarnations and the religious side of it kind of turned me off. It seemed very "guru" oriented to me and I had heard too many stories of charlatans. Then, I started going to this meditation meeting at a Shambhala Center where they would read from the "Pocket Pema (Chodron)" and it really was a lovely meeting. I started to read Pema Chodron and I liked it. I was meditating a fair amount. I think I was just entrenched in my athiest beliefs or got into some philosophy like Nietzsche and dropped it all. Later, I was telling my therapist how dissatisfied I was with AA and she suggested I go to Refuge Recovery: A Buddhist path to recovery. I was skeptical but I started going. I was clinging to this intellectual athiest identity. I was clinging to a worldly life. I wanted to be into fashion and fuck a lot of women. I put myself in that circle with what I had. I was too broke to keep up with any sort of fashionable identity. At the same time I was getting into minimalism and stronger anarchist collectivism. Also, my AA sponsor who was kind of the cornerstone to this cool athiest in AA who has a cool life and fucks attractive women moved away. I got really Tinder sick and just fed up and wrote a blog about being dissatisfied. Loco, who I would say is a bit further down the Path than I challenged me in a PM and it resonated. We have been sharing a lot of communication on the subject. I started going to most of the Refuge meetings in town and getting more meditation and studying the Dhamma. I have been going deeper and deeper into "The New Burmese Method" Vippassanna meditation and getting pretty deep into classic Theravada Suttas and other books and commentaries. Sometimes I look at parts of my past as versions of hell. My past karma led to those versions of hell. Not that there isn't suffering today because there certainly still is but it feels like my karma is better following 5 or 8 precepts and meditating and that my suffering and negative emotions have decreased.

So, I was at a park today and it had a little board of information about how the Native Americans would harvest oysters 4,000 years ago. We could still see all the oysters. We could see the birds fishing, the crabs feeding, the butterflies at their flowers. One wonders if those Native Americans pondered on how to live life. What is the good life? Well, 2,500 years ago the Buddha certainly did and you read this stuff and it just rings true. You meditate and you get some understanding and it's a game changer. It's the same with renouncement as hard as it is to let go of certain things.

So, it's more or less been a 4.5 year journey but I never claimed to take refuge in the three jewels until maybe 2 months ago.


RiKD    United States. Sep 22 2018 10:10. Posts 5499

You know, when I was 20 and first on this site I wanted to strike it rich in poker and live the playboy life. There was also the facet that I was an ex-gaming nerd and really enjoyed poker but underlying that all was a will to power. I had heard about Elky, Rekrul, and Tillerman doing well at the game and I thought I could get something out of it. Nazgul always seemed quite solid and clever. Thorladen always had a shining card sense and intelligence. I remember the first time I met Thorladen we were at the Bellagio having caviar with I want to say either vodka or champagne talking about trading very large sums of cash for Stars money among other things and I was like what kind of life is THIS? I thought I was a baller because I could go to the local college bars and run up a bar tab and not give a fuck on low-mid stakes money. I am kind of jumping around a bit though. When I first started playing the highest stakes were 10/20 nl on Stars. I was also motivated by guys like Raszi and Lurped playing 3/6. It was all motivating. It was like a ladder but with real money instead of experience points. There are really too many people and too many stories to mention at this point.

I would say at that time:

- I wanted to pick up dimes for same night lays. No marriage but maybe a partner at some point
- No kids
- $300,000+ / yr no problem with poker (in my head)
- Living situation ranged from wanting to rent baller places to wanting to be a real estate baller
- I was 20 - 24

I have been through a lot since then. I've always had a bit of a bum streak in me. I remember the first time I was in Vegas I slept on the floor in Ket and TJBentham's room but then I would go drop a large number at the time at the Rhino no problem. What a place. Vegas and the Rhino. It is like a large syphon of money for desires and pleasures. Now, I live a very simple and spiritual life in a small city in the South of the USA. I don't drink, I don't gamble, and I don't even touch or flirt with women. Nowadays:

- Definitely no marriage. Part of me longs for a partner but quite honestly I have been better off with out sexual activity.
- Definitely no kids
- I would love to be able to make $0 but I am not sure if that is possible. I am unable to become a monk due to my mental illness.
- I do not want to own a home
- I am 34

I would actually guess a lot of people on LP are similar to me. Probably a lot of ex-gaming nerds with a will to power. Now, that most of us are in our 30s and not poker ballers what do we do with that?


bigredhoss   Cook Islands. Sep 22 2018 10:26. Posts 8632

i don't understand how anyone picks anything other than $300k+ the way that question is worded. i mean if you could spend all your time reading books and meditating, and could click a button to choose how much you want to make doing that, i assume even you would choose $300k+ (even if you decide to give away most/all of it).

Truck-Crash Life 

RiKD    United States. Sep 22 2018 15:51. Posts 5499

I assumed people would take the question to be in reality how much money do you want to make?

Of course if I could click a button and make $300k/yr I would but that is not realistic. My goal in poker was $300k+/yr. My goal in my corporate job was $300k+/yr because I thought I could be the president of the business unit someday. In reality I was making between $70k and $80k at the corporate job. For the purposes of that poll it was realistic that I could be in the $80k - $120k bracket because there was a manager in another unit that wanted me and said the job would be north of $80k. I could have switched companies and gone on commission and possibly reached $120k+ but I actually don't think that is realistic and I didn't want to do that. There are probably a lot of people out there that think they can start a business and earn $300k+/yr but that is not realistic either. $40k is not a lot depending on where you live and what you want but really $40k - $80k should suffice for an ordinary life and adequate "happiness." I have been through this before but $120k/yr is either a bit ahead of the curve or behind the curve depending on how the person wants to live. $500k+ is decent for full on worldly living but maybe not as high or as luxurious as $1mil/yr. $10million is freeroll life. $100million is richer than god. Anything above that is just ego and monopoly money. None of it guarantees "happiness" how the ordinary folk like to define it even though much of our society is geared towards that.

In reality, as a layperson, $24k/yr is probably good enough for me. I don't even know if I can find a good situation to secure that income and live which is why I settle for part time food and bev jobs and live with my parents. I am looking into working at monasteries/meditation centers in return for food and housing. That would still be a big step to earn $0 but I think it would be a good step to be honest.


Stroggoz   New Zealand. Sep 23 2018 08:50. Posts 4276

I think making 300K make me a lot happier than 100K because i don't like poker that much and it allow me to move on to other things more quickly. (its a fun game to figure out but got some downsides).

I don't have a will to power either, i am considering becoming a high school teacher and be will be content with that. Imo the will to freedom is a lot stronger than the will to power in human beings, but it is too hard for me to present evidence and ofc there are a lot of datapoints on both sides.

I was GTO in 2007 -wobbly_auLast edit: 23/09/2018 08:51

RiKD    United States. Sep 23 2018 13:02. Posts 5499

Well, let's just say you make .5c/hand. Your winrate could be higher or lower of course. 20,000 hands/month is $120,000. 50,000 hands/month is $300,000. Personally, I was mostly the guy that would rather play 20,000 hands/month at 8ptbb/100 rather than 80,000 hands/month at 2ptbb/100. Some months I would get into it and play more. It's not always easy to maintain skill level on just 20,000 hands (meaning that isn't enough practice to be sharp). It's also not easy to maintain skill level on 100,000 hands. I realize you probably know all this I am just thinking out loud. What I am saying is when I was playing a lot of 2/4 nl and 3/6 nl it wasn't exactly easy to just snap my fingers and make $300k+. I either had to put in more volume which I didn't want to do or beat 5/10 which I was a bit snake bit at the time at those stakes. I would imagine it has only gotten more difficult with games being tougher, rake being higher, and volume presumably being lower. I mean I just remember a guy like redargoe or leatherass making a million+/yr at mostly 5/10 and they weren't particularly that good. $1/hand at 5/10 over 1 million hands and you're there. I don't even know if it's possible to play a million hands in a year at 5/10 anymore.

This is Google's definition of power:

the ability to do something or act in a particular way

That fits in with my idea of will to power. I defined will to power once on this website but I am not going to go look for it especially considering the above definition pretty much captures what I am going for. Will to power to me is will to freedom. It's not some idea of taking over the world or control, authority or influence. It's sailing the open seas and pissing off the side of the boat.

In my mind you do have a will to power. You want a piece of some "f you" money so you can do what you want. To be more free to do what you want. It is very respectable to be a high school teacher. Get on with it man!


bigredhoss   Cook Islands. Sep 23 2018 13:18. Posts 8632


  On September 22 2018 14:51 RiKD wrote:
I assumed people would take the question to be in reality how much money do you want to make?

Of course if I could click a button and make $300k/yr I would but that is not realistic. My goal in poker was $300k+/yr. My goal in my corporate job was $300k+/yr because I thought I could be the president of the business unit someday. In reality I was making between $70k and $80k at the corporate job. For the purposes of that poll it was realistic that I could be in the $80k - $120k bracket because there was a manager in another unit that wanted me and said the job would be north of $80k. I could have switched companies and gone on commission and possibly reached $120k+ but I actually don't think that is realistic and I didn't want to do that. There are probably a lot of people out there that think they can start a business and earn $300k+/yr but that is not realistic either. $40k is not a lot depending on where you live and what you want but really $40k - $80k should suffice for an ordinary life and adequate "happiness." I have been through this before but $120k/yr is either a bit ahead of the curve or behind the curve depending on how the person wants to live. $500k+ is decent for full on worldly living but maybe not as high or as luxurious as $1mil/yr. $10million is freeroll life. $100million is richer than god. Anything above that is just ego and monopoly money. None of it guarantees "happiness" how the ordinary folk like to define it even though much of our society is geared towards that.

In reality, as a layperson, $24k/yr is probably good enough for me. I don't even know if I can find a good situation to secure that income and live which is why I settle for part time food and bev jobs and live with my parents. I am looking into working at monasteries/meditation centers in return for food and housing. That would still be a big step to earn $0 but I think it would be a good step to be honest.



Ok well I took the question literally as worded (lots of poll questions are unrealistic/hypothetical) but apparently I'm the only one because I'm the only one who chose $300k+, even though it's unlikely I'll ever make that.

I guess in international education a more likely ~6 year goal would be in the $80-120k range unless I end up in Switzerland which has some ~$150k jobs but purchasing power of the money probably ends up lower than $80k jobs in a lot of countries. If I moved into administration there are some school director roles paying $300k+ but I'd have to go back to school and get PhD at one of the Iveys (Harvard/Stanford/etc. graduate schools of education are easier to get into than you might guess from the names) and even then get a little lucky/know the right people. Plus I enjoy having free summers. So mentally change my answer from $300k+ to $80-120k.

Truck-Crash Life 

hiems   United States. Sep 23 2018 17:01. Posts 1499

I'm with some others a here and I think no matter how you word it, the answer to how much do you want to make a year is always "as much as I reasonably can within my current situation"...unless you are op and you for some reason want to make $0.

To me the more interesting question is how much money do I need to stop working? For me, the answer depends on a lot of things. For one, it would change depending on if I had a family to support or not. Another factor would be the option of relocating to a cheaper country with the money you have saved. This is something very much in play for me and something I intend on doing. Lastly, I factor in the option of being able to work part-time or pursue things you are only interested in doing within the "not working" side of the equation, but I don't assume income from these pursuits into my model or whatever.

So, for me my numbers look kind of like - $1,500,000 (single)(probably spend most of my time overseas), $2,500,000+ to perhaps never stop (married or with kids).

Generally though I am very bearish on marriage and the odds of me wanting to having children are on the lower side compared to most people.

Also, for me the last thing to consider would be age/health. There are factors such as missing out on compound interest (greedy side) vs living life when your young is better than when you are old (live now side). Healthcare, insurance, etc may add unexpected expenses in old age as well.

 Last edit: 23/09/2018 17:09

RiKD    United States. Sep 23 2018 17:51. Posts 5499

Not handling money is a precept of Buddhism that I think has a lot of merit. It's one of the 10 precepts so pretty strict and meant for monks but just because I can't become a monk doesn't necessarily mean I can't follow those precepts. It would just be a lot more difficult. There is a strong part of me that would like to have a partner (no marriage) which is kind of complicated in itself and shakes up a lot of things irt to my current life. I just had visions of meeting some Thai or Indian gal who could cook me up vegetarian curries and understand my lifestyle. It's such a fantasy. Most Thai and Indian gals here are go go go material success mongers. My only hope is probably crazy white girls at this point or actually going and living in Thailand, Burma, Vietnam, Sri Lanka, India, etc. I could probably teach English in one of those countries. Hmmmm.

$1,500,000 is pushing it depending on your age and where you want to live. I don't really know about the $2,500,00+ number because I've never wanted to get married or have kids. I think the latter you are kind of boxed into an ordinary life and you have to think about health insurance, pensions, medicaid, social security, etc etc etc. unless you have a very high net worth. I think from your vibe it would be very silly to turn down a $300k+ income including health insurance, 401k matching plan, bonuses, etc. until 65 unless you are very sick of the job or they have decided they don't want you anymore. I have an aunt who was in that range and got millions in inheritance from her mother and still didn't retire until 65 because she wouldn't know what to do with herself. Her only hobby is buying houses and decorating them but she is also a hoarder and doesn't want to sell anything. It's kind of a comical situation but also a sad situation. Rich white people problems eh.

But, getting back to that $1,500,000 number have you actually budgeted that out? There was a really good thread about this on 2p2 and after looking into it Hero is basically going to be living in a closet, staring at the wall and eating 5 day batches of soup for every meal. It was budgeted with North American prices though. I know I could probably take that money and go live in South East Asia no problem.

How old are you hiems?

I was always a proponent of living life when you are young. There is more opportunity and energy. That is a complicated question though. With my current lifestyle I don't have to worry about that.


hiems   United States. Sep 23 2018 18:32. Posts 1499

There is very little/no chance of me making $300k/yr.

$1.5 million is designed with going expat in mind. To be in the 1% of wealth in the US, I believe you need somewhere around $8-$10 million range, so $1.5 million is not a whole lot. So if I lived in the US I'd definitely still work, at least part time. It's easy finding work and making money in first world countries I'd feel a bit stupid remaining in the United States paying US prices and not making at least some money.

also I don't understand where you missed the part where I don't want to get married either. your not special for thinking this way, its very common. i also don't care about Buddhism. smh.

 Last edit: 23/09/2018 19:04

RiKD    United States. Sep 23 2018 19:21. Posts 5499

I don't think I'm special for not wanting to get married. I don't think it is that common though. I know of very few people who were long-term partners who didn't get married.

You were wondering why I would want to make $0. I explained why.

You didn't answer how old you were. My guess is 25 - 29. It would explain a lot.


RiKD    United States. Sep 24 2018 02:21. Posts 5499

There is no permanent satisfaction. That is really the problem. There is suffering and then there is clinging to this impermanent satisfaction. We want it to last but it won't. It doesn't help that we can't really control our thoughts, body sensations, feelings, phenomena. We're stuck in the middle of the universe on a large rock with these conditions. I don't know. It is just clear to me that it is better to free ourselves form suffering rather than continue to chase the pleasures. I still do. I went on a rush and ate a bunch of delicious cheese today but started to not like myself towards the end and then when I stopped immediately realized it was a stupid thing to do and that I got hooked and that in the future I will probably look to repeat that high by eating cheese again. How many extrapolations can we create out of that simple story?

Man, if I just had this much I'd be satisfied. Man, if I just had THIS much I'd be satisfied. Man, If I just had THIIIS much I'd be satisfied. You will rarely be satisfied bro. I keep track of my mom's garden. She is nuts. She has spent so much at this one plant store it is mind boggling. She'll love a plant one day and it's replaced with a new one the next. It's like is this really how you want to spend your retirement? But, retired people are nuts. My dad needs golf, sports, and stupid military novels. You should have seen how restless and frustrated he got when he couldn't figure out how to get HBO working so he could watch his obsession the Cleveland Browns on that stupid show Hard Knocks. It's everywhere. Everyone is suffering and a lot of people don't want to acknowledge it.

We are all fellow sufferers.


Stroggoz   New Zealand. Sep 24 2018 02:56. Posts 4276

Our conceptions of suffering seem different. Yours is boredom retired people have, mine is being maliciously tortured or having a bomb dropped near you, basically anything to do with extreme physical pain.

having $0 income is suffering for many people; income means absence of suffering (food, shelter, time for creative pursuits, ect).

I was GTO in 2007 -wobbly_au 

RiKD    United States. Sep 24 2018 22:17. Posts 5499

Pain, distress, and hardship especially to the extreme of malicious torture or being bombed are pretty obvious. It is the subtle suffering I am talking about. I am talking all the way down to having the expectation to enjoy a song on a boring commute and being dissatisfied with it. But, yesterday, I went on a rush on the way to the beach and I will continue clinging to that and suffering as long as I continue listening to music. I will suffer if I don't listen to music. I will suffer as long as I am living.

Income does not mean absence of suffering. How does one earn that income? Poker is suffering. You sit at the table and you suffer. The day I lost half my roll was heightened suffering. The day I won 35 buy-ins in a day I was walking on air a little bit. My hand felt like it might have carpal tunnel, my back hurt because the chair was not particularly comfortable, I didn't eat all day, but I was in a flow state for the majority of the day and didn't care. That's a rush. Most states of euphoria lead to a state of müdigkeit (tiredness) but that's besides the point. I chased that rush for a long time clinging to the possibilities of running up stacks all day but mostly poker is suffering. Most work is suffering. Most living is suffering.

Not having food or shelter is not great but some monks choose to live that way and thrive. Time for creative pursuits almost seems like a pipe dream. I use to think creative pursuits were one of the highest forms of a project along with say altruism and activism but now I am a meditator. Beg for food and shelter and meditate. Easy game. Maybe not the most realistic but painting, writing, composing, etc. for a sense of rausch or for some sort of immortality project is nothing more than doing drugs and being deluded about it.


Stroggoz   New Zealand. Sep 25 2018 02:26. Posts 4276

Right, your just defaming the word 'suffer', imo.

creative pursuits is what defines human beings biologically. You can be different or repress it if you want but archaeological evidence suggest tools, paintings, ect have been around for an extremely long time.

I was GTO in 2007 -wobbly_au 

RiKD    United States. Sep 25 2018 02:55. Posts 5499

Dissatisfaction is probably a better word but I think suffering is mostly appropriate. The Pali word is dukkha and it is most translated into suffering.

Just because creative pursuits have been around for a really long time doesn't mean they are the absence of suffering. I used to love to paint but it typically caused me so much dissatisfaction that I just stopped painting and this is before Buddhism. It's the same with writing short-stories, novellas, and novels.

Many jobs don't leave time or energy for creative pursuits anyways. You have to be one of the lucky ones (or cursed ones) whose creative pursuits are their job.


RiKD    United States. Sep 25 2018 15:08. Posts 5499

I was in walking meditation yesterday and that fantasy of picking up a humble Thai Buddhist woman who could cook me curry basically vanished. My uncle did that though. Kind of a baller to be honest. He might be on the autism spectrum but is really, really good at chemical engineering. He works like 60-70 hours a week in a paper plant but seems to love it. Comes home gets some Thai curry and does chores, follows Ohio State, tinkers with his train set, goes kayaking, etc. I would be miserable in that life but it seems to work for him. I was in a Refuge meeting last night and one of the themes was that we all had to choose our path. We have to investigate and choose on our own.

In that walking meditation I noticed the Renoir hanging on the wall and it felt dead to me. Dead like my grandmother that gave it to me. That's about as far as I got because I noted that thought and it died too but sitting here and writing now there are fond memories associated with both. There is drinking French wines and cooking French food. There is going to Paris. There is sitting at a cafe smoking cigarettes. There is reading Sartre and Camus and Becket. I thought being an intellectual and creative in Paris was the peak of life. Although I remember stopping off at my grandmother's house and her cooking me a good meal and splitting a bottle of wine and then getting the port out and talking into the night. She lived in the forest. I remember the windows being open and the sheets and pillow being a bit cool as the fall breeze circulated throughout the room. A symphony of forest sounds serenaded the room. I am now clinging a bit to these memories. She has passed away and that house was sold. I no longer drink red wine or port.

The only thing that didn't seem impermanent in that walking meditation was the air conditioning but it too eventually passed away. Everything is impermanent, dissatisfying, and non-self.


RiKD    United States. Sep 26 2018 14:26. Posts 5499

I don't know if it's really much of a sample but the poll was interesting.

It looks like LP is not as ordinary as I played it up to be but it was mostly a mixed bag. Maybe the most interesting thing is everyone but 1 was 30 - 34. I guess a lot of us got lucky (or unlucky) that it seems like Broodwar coincided with the poker boom. Starcraft was released in 1998. I was 14. Perfect age to gamer it up. Chris Moneymaker won the Main Event in 2003. I was 19. Perfect age to gambool it up.

I don't really have more to say about it. Obviously, most people ordinary or not are not going to want to meditate for a portion of their day and study Buddhism. That's just what I'm on right now and it has been fleeky deeky. I felt like throwing in some slang I just made up because I am mostly a boring Buddhist practitioner. A good Buddhist wouldn't label anything as good or bad and certainly not use stupid slang. Meditation isn't stylish (even though mindfulness is "in" at the moment). It never goes out of style. A punto = on point. Meditation is a punto.

I'll just leave this here in case anyone wants to give it a go:

How to Meditate


RiKD    United States. Sep 26 2018 16:54. Posts 5499

Now this, bhikkhus, is the noble truth of suffering: birth is suffering, aging is suffering, illness is suffering, death is suffering; union with what is displeasing is suffering; separation from what is pleasing is suffering; not to get what one wants is suffering; in brief, the five aggregates subject to clinging are suffering.

Now this, bhikkhus, is the noble truth of the origin of suffering: it is this craving which leads to re-becoming, accompanied by delight and lust, seeking delight here and there; that is, craving for sensual pleasures, craving for becoming, craving for disbecoming.

Now this, bhikkhus, is the noble truth of the cessation of suffering: it is the remainderless fading away and cessation of that same craving, the giving up and relinquishing of it, freedom from it, non-reliance on it.

Now this, bhikkhus, is the noble truth of the way leading to the cessation of suffering: it is this noble eightfold path; that is, right view, right intention, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, right concentration.


bigredhoss   Cook Islands. Sep 26 2018 17:44. Posts 8632


  On September 26 2018 13:26 RiKD wrote:
It looks like LP is not as ordinary as I played it up to be but it was mostly a mixed bag.



Or perhaps your perception of ordinary is skewed.

Truck-Crash Life 

RiKD    United States. Sep 26 2018 21:35. Posts 5499

Well, I think there are different distinctions to be made. Living in Colombia and teaching Math to rich kids I wouldn't necessarily say is ordinary but if you are a householder (own or rent), wish to get married and have kids, etc etc etc. by a monk or diligent layperson's standards it is quite the ordinary life. I would venture a guess that most people on LP don't want to be "ordinary." By monk standards we all are. I would also venture a guess that almost none have aspirations to be a monk. So, where does that leave us exactly? I continue on as a more or less diligent layperson that writes blogs occasionally and everyone kind of does their own thing. We all have to find our own path but it is kind of like are you dissatisfied? Probably. Oh, here is a path that looks to shore that up.


RiKD    United States. Sep 26 2018 21:36. Posts 5499

My mind and my body oppress me. I am afflicted with consciousness.


RiKD    United States. Sep 26 2018 22:32. Posts 5499

I have to say sometimes I get a little bit frustrated. It feels like I have to get through the Anattalakkhana Sutta instead of finishing "Infinite Jest" or "Insert Classic Here" or whatever. I want to have sex with a beautiful woman but I can't even flirt with any woman. I can say I am only practicing 5 precepts but I know there are benefits with practicing 8. So, then I just practice them at my convenience and it all gets fucked up. I am just bored. I had a mediocre meditation session. I got drowsy and a little bit lost in thought which doesn't usually happen anymore. I have had plenty of sleep. Fuck it, this just gets back to my mind and my body oppressing me. I am nauseous with consciousness. I don't think the answer is smoke cigarettes and fuck a petit French woman or smoke cigarettes and discuss philosophy. Who knows? I want to get a tattoo but there is not going to be enough time today. I keep trying to not get a tattoo but it keeps coming back to me. C'est la vie. L'être et le néant. Posting here just seems like the most pleasant way to pass the time currently. Eh, fuck it, I will feed the cats and see how I feel.

Au revoir,

My fellows contracted with dukkha meaning you are A L I V E. This post makes me want to listen to Outkast "ATLiens" or Gojira "L'es enfants sauvages (Live)." Listening to music or partaking in entertainment goes against one of the 8 precepts. I mean I know where they are coming from but that really is kind of a bummer.


Loco   Canada. Sep 26 2018 23:13. Posts 19860

The precepts are not commandments to be obeyed, but training rules. They are not beneficial rules to follow if they are not understood as such. The five precepts are fully sufficient for someone in your situation, living at home, dealing with mental illness and trying to build a consistent meditation practice and not preparing for a retreat. The 8 precepts are held temporarily by laypeople when they know they can commit to them fully for a period of intensive meditation practice. Adding but not committing to the other precepts is basically the equivalent of fuckarounditis when it comes to fitness. Instead of sticking to what is known to work and bring progress, you just wing it, "go with the flow," stagnate and bring yourself undue stress and dissatisfaction. It shows a lack of trust in the teachings or a lack of seriousness (impatience). At this rate, with the self-caused stress that you bring to yourself by trying to become what you cannot become, or being unclear as to what should be aim toward, it is only a matter of time before you are completely disillusioned and decide meditation is not worth it for you, and you give it up again, as you did in the past, and as Y warns in the very book you linked:

"The second important principle is that meditation must be performed continuously. Meditation practice, like any training, must become habitual if it is to help one overcome bad habits of clinging and partiality. If one practices meditation intermittently and is unmindful between sessions, any clarity of mind gained from the practice will be weakened by subsequent distracted mind states, making the meditation practice seem useless. This is often a cause for frustration and disillusionment in new meditators until they learn to be mindful throughout their daily activities and continuously from one meditation technique to the next. Once they are able to be mindful continuously, their concentration will improve and they will realize the true benefit of the practice."

All this time spent worrying about the precepts is time not spent dealing with reality mindfully. It's just another distraction. If what you really want is more distractions, then you should be very, very clear with yourself, and say to yourself "right now, I can't meditate, it's not working for me, I will distract myself". And do that. There is no point in doing things half-assedly. Go back to meditation only when you feel like it's purposive. And it's easy to know if that's what you really want. Is it what you're doing most of the time? When you're not focused on getting validation from others, do you prefer distracting yourself or meditating and studying or structuring your life to make them easier? Be honest with yourself and go from there.

If you know yourself well, then you know you are prone to overreaching, being impatient, distracting yourself, arguing for the sake of arguing (or discussing for the sake of discussing), and forgetting what you need to be doing. So take the appropriate measures to prevent those things as much as possible if that is your goal. Have reminders. For instance, "I will not mess around with the precepts, I will be disciplined and follow the appropriate ones" as a reminder on your phone popping up every day. If it is not your goal to improve, then indulge in those things you desire until you've had enough of them. If you do not indulge in them it shouldn't be because someone told you these things are bad, even if it's the Buddha, but because you know experientially that these things are not bringing you anything positive. If it's a drudgery to read scriptures, read something else until the desire to read scriptures comes back. There is no Buddhist police watching over you, and you have nothing to prove to anyone. The goal is less stress and suffering, not more, remember? Maybe make a reminder of that too.

Those who make a peaceful revolution impossible, will make a violent revolution inevitable.Last edit: 26/09/2018 23:45

RiKD    United States. Sep 27 2018 02:44. Posts 5499

Training rules is a good way to look at it. Here is the thing though. I have tasted the 8 precept training and trust in its effectiveness. Except for maybe eating before noon. That one is really difficult for me to sustain but it still feels like some form of laziness that I don't attempt it. Now that I am listening to music again... I don't know. I don't know if abstaining from music is beneficial for me. It's a close one. I don't listen to it nearly as often. Would my meditation be better if I didn't come on LP, listen to music, visit r/ggw, etc? Yeah, probably and that's probably what it's meant for. I would say I actually have a lot of confidence in the teachings but it's more so a lack of impetus. I am not there yet. I meditated for 2 hours today with some breaks. That felt good enough. I actually meditated for an hour straight the first time ever yesterday. There is probably some danger at looking at this as great evidence of anything but this last week has been flourishing for me not stagnating. Honestly, I could be hitting my current limits. It just seems really difficult to push through to say 4 hours a day. An hour and a half session of meditation seems much easier for some reason. Y, of course, is right. I have been mindful from session to session with great benefit but most of the time when I am done meditating I cash out and "unwind." This can make the next session no easier than the first although sometimes the first is the easiest or it really just depends. Sometimes I study something and it helps tremendously sometimes it feels like a hindrance. I have a hard time staying mindful on days that I work and also on days that I don't.

I don't know exactly how I feel about meditation. It's something that I do that feels beneficial. Recently, to experience and understand the hindrances or non-self is something I place a really high value on. This type of thing which is happening quite often for me is what I find the benefits of meditation to be. The example of obsessing about this Thai girlfriend one hour and having that thought completely vanish the next. I do doubt the path. It comes up in my meditation a fair amount. Not as often as it used to. Nowadays, I can just note it and move on where in the past it could have the capability of making a session quite miserable because I didn't want to acknowledge it. There is something else. Acknowledge reality. Really, in understanding the hindrances has so much value in meditation and daily life.

Sometimes I get fired up about studying and charge through it all and then sometimes not so much. You are right though to be honest and go from there.

Thanks man. That was a good post.


RiKD    United States. Sep 28 2018 16:26. Posts 5499

The purpose of vipassana meditation is to develop nibbidha nana, the knowledge of dispassion or sense of weariness. Only when the phenomenon of incessant arising and ceasing has been personally seen and experienced, the nature of impermanence can be fully and thoroughly grasped. It is only then the senses of weariness is developed.

Furthermore, in connection with the contemplation on nama (mental phenomena), immateriality, only three components of vedana (feeling) are mentioned. Nothing was said of other components-mind and mental formations. It is clear here too that taking note of only the three vedanas (sukkha vedana, dukkha vedana, upekkha vedana)(pleasant, pain, equanimity feelings) at the moment of their arising will develop the sense of weariness. But it must be noted that it is not just the painful feeling but all the three kinds of feeling that should be contemplate on, because it must be understood that all three vedanas are manifesting themselves.

- Mahasi Sayadaw


LemOn[5thF]   Czech Republic. Sep 28 2018 20:33. Posts 14738

Buddhism ain't compatible with the modern world believe me
You don't ever want to get too good at it or become awakened unless you're ready to be detached from western society
So much stuff starts looking absurd but drives the world and motivation
I've been there, and I'm using a balanced practical approach ever since the realisation

93% Sure!  

LemOn[5thF]   Czech Republic. Sep 28 2018 20:36. Posts 14738

Also
becoming one with your emotions without all that observer shit is fucking fun baby aww yeah, suffering is the price you got to pay, and it's worth paying I'd say

93% Sure!  

RiKD    United States. Sep 28 2018 21:23. Posts 5499

I don't want to be compatible with the modern world. I am so much better off in meditation.

I already am detached from Western society to a point. It's difficult though because I have to make an income, have health insurance, etc.

Yup.

Yeah, that's probably where I will end up. I don't know. Who really knows. You can't unsee things after practicing Buddhism or maybe you can. I want to enjoy music so much but every time the Buddha is right. It leaves me in dukkha (suffering, dissatisfaction). Today, the sukkha (pleasure) was high listening to music but I am left craving and almost numb. A slight, penetrating dukkha that has been with me for all of the early afternoon. It's like I ate a chocolate cake with cocaine but anymore would nauseate me and I am frantically trying to find sukkha or even just upekkha (equanimity) but I can't control it. I can't control it. If there were a Self (living entity) within me it could control what is pleasurable or what is not un-pleasurable. That is not the case so I am oppressed and afflicted by whatever arises and ceases.


I should really spend some more time with the noble 4 truths and the noble 8fold path. That is like the barebones on the nature of suffering and what we can do about it. Instead of obsessing over whether or not I should listen to music anymore. I mean it's obvious I shouldn't but I want to so I'll just continue that cycle until I am fed up with it. Currently, I am too stubborn and think I can control the high but then it fucks up my meditation and my day to a point. That is the point of the added precepts it is in line with right effort so that we do not disrupt our meditation. Believe me: entertainment, music, pornography, sexual activity, eating too much, etc etc. definitely disrupts meditation. I know this. It's just something I will continue to have to work through.



RiKD    United States. Sep 28 2018 22:16. Posts 5499

What if I am sick of my abdomen rising and falling? Even if I end it all I probably end up in some worse rebirth. It's a lot of motivation to get to Nibbana. I want the cycle of samsara to be over. Fuck Nietzsche's idea of eternal reoccurrence.


LemOn[5thF]   Czech Republic. Sep 28 2018 23:10. Posts 14738

Actually
All those things you can enjoy in meditative state
Read Siddhartha, he became enlightened through fucking and indulging and shit and then staring at the river :D
It's just about constant practice and being able to retain the state of an observer (and observer of the observer and so forth, I'm sure you do this during meditation)

The problem is that once you are able to do that even when fucking pussy, listening to awesome music and really strong emotion it's awesome at first you just become detached and find that going for fasting and staring at the river and going into your inner world more fascinating.


I just found that going all out on that is just dumb when you're a poker pro, love to compete, goals love to get lost in awesome music your GF etc. And in the modern world you just have to not be a weak bitch, accept some suffering for being able to phase in and out of the detached observer state as situations require it and as you are able to do, that's what buddhism and meditation does for ya.

The people that go all out on Kwan Um Zen I know either get really great at it but detached, lose all (western measured) ambition etc. And normal people just stop connecting with them.
Or become/remain damn hypocrites who preach enlightenment and absence of ego one day, and then post pictures of babies they spent hours arranging on facebook the next day xD

93% Sure! Last edit: 28/09/2018 23:19

RiKD    United States. Sep 29 2018 01:26. Posts 5499

What?

You must be doing some meditation far different from me. There is no enjoyment out of any of those things being mindful.

Siddhartha as in the Buddha????? The Buddha did not become enlightened through fucking and indulging and shit and staring at the river. He tried many gurus, he tried living as an ascetic then he had a bowl of rice pudding and sat under the bodhi tree.

You are at least right here from my estimations. It does take constant, consistent practice. I think your idea of an observer coincides with the idea of being mindful.

I'd rather meditate than do a lot these days.

Well, it's hard to be a serious Buddhist practitioner and play poker for a living. Poker does not fit in with right livelihood. So, either poker has to go or Buddhism has to go. I won't comment on the others. It's the path you've chosen and as long as their isn't adequate dukkha (suffering, dissatisfaction, stress) you won't have any impetus to change anything. I used to be the same but now I refuse to compete, rarely listen to music, and while I sometimes get cravings for a girlfriend they subside usually pretty quickly. The music one is probably the most interesting. I was a music junky. Listening to all kinds as sort of an anthem for whatever I was doing. Actually, competition too. I was a competition junky. Sports, video games and poker are great for that. As weird as it sounds a girlfriend would likely completely disrupt my meditation practice. Just starting to think about my life with a girlfriend there is probably very, very few women in the world that would want to be with me at least in the West.

What is Kwan Um Zen?

People are complex. Arranging baby facebook albums is similar to my posting on LP. I would say I have become somewhat detached and have very little Western measured ambition. It can be jarring at times, depressing at times, hopeless at times. Sometimes it even feels that I am becoming disconnected with a Buddhist recovery group. I don't mind being disconnected from "normal" people. What are we going to talk about or do together anyways?


LemOn[5thF]   Czech Republic. Sep 29 2018 08:55. Posts 14738

Kwan Um zen is Formal practice
I've done it quite a few times
It's just way easier to join a group like that and do a 2 or 7 day long retreats than go it alone if you're really serious

Siddhartha is a book
Not about Siddhartha Gautama (The Buddha you're referring to)
Definitely recommended read, it's really short too and shows a path of indulgence leading to mindfulness
I read that + Chopra's book on Gautama Liked both (I know Chopra has some controversy around him )



  On September 29 2018 00:26 RiKD wrote:
What?
You must be doing some meditation far different from me. There is no enjoyment out of any of those things being mindful.


When you gain the ability to come into a mindful state you can enjoy almost any task differently (A lot people will say better, I say differently as you lose the high of becoming the emotion you feel, which is many times necessary/beneficial)
As you are suddenly able to step back from yourself and realize emotions you feel, details of things you never noticed before and it becomes fascinating.

E.g. Pain during exercising when you're pushing yourself really hard just kinda becomes a different kind of experience nor good or bad but just fascinating thing you're observing and you just go through it

During sex it you just get to focus on all these different things in your partner, your feelings etc. There's a whole millions of people doing tantric sex etc.
Same happens with mundane tasks, they actually make it easier to be mindful, Kwan Um Zen practice is a lto about repetitive rituals and tasks that make meditation easier. The stronger the experience and emotional response the harder it is to be mindful and move into the observer or retain the state.


If you do it long enough it changes how your body works actually - monks that have been able to practice all their life get close to psychopaths on a deep level in that even extreme situations barely if at all raise their heart rate and bodily functions.

(There was a study with a sudden gunshot or carcrash happening right next to them, can't remember the specifics. Psychopaths's heart rate stays the same or even lower and they become calmer in these situations, and the only non psychopathic people that came even close were people with high level of mindfulness )

93% Sure! Last edit: 29/09/2018 11:18

RiKD    United States. Sep 29 2018 16:16. Posts 5499


  On September 29 2018 07:55 LemOn[5thF] wrote:
Kwan Um zen is Formal practice
I've done it quite a few times
It's just way easier to join a group like that and do a 2 or 7 day long retreats than go it alone if you're really serious

Siddhartha is a book
Not about Siddhartha Gautama (The Buddha you're referring to)
Definitely recommended read, it's really short too and shows a path of indulgence leading to mindfulness
I read that + Chopra's book on Gautama Liked both (I know Chopra has some controversy around him )



I have no interest in zen. Especially when it is founded in the 1980s. It's likely better than nothing though.

So, it's called Siddhartha and it's not about the Buddha but a random guy who indulges in everything and gets to mindfulness? Why not just read the actual story of the Buddha? He goes from a worldly life to Nibbana. I am not going near Deepak Chopra.


  The stronger the experience and emotional response the harder it is to be mindful and move into the observer or retain the state.



This I have found to be very true.

I disagree that mindfulness heightens the experience. It dulls it for me. If I am eating chips and guacamole and I start noting "chewing, chewing, chewing, swallowing, swallowing, grabbing, grabbing, dipping, dipping, raising, raising, chewing, chewing chewing, etc" I don't lose myself in pleasure. I don't eat too much. Actually, the taste of the food rarely becomes prominent. I am more so in a state of equanimity. Otherwise I am liable to go on a chips and guac rush.

If I am completely mindful in sex I won't reach orgasm. Again, there just reaches an equanimity where it almost comes to the point of what is the point? If I am noting my pleasures they vanish. If I am noting my dissatisfactions they vanish. Fucking could be the anchor as whatever else prominent arises. It would make myself last longer but I wouldn't be a very interactive sex partner. The fun in sex for me is completely getting lost in each other. Feelings, emotions, NIN Closer. Of course, that would completely disrupt meditation. And then there is the strong craving. And then there is all the bullshit that comes with having intimate sex. Dukkha (stress, suffering, dissatisfaction).


LemOn[5thF]   Czech Republic. Sep 29 2018 16:39. Posts 14738

what d you mean chew chew chew lol
you are aware of the food, the other thoughts that start popping up and use that for meditation itself
Mindful eating is also a big category many people practice
boredom and pointlessness are also great meditative subjects to observe in themselves!

You start to step a level on top of the part of your ego that is nothing the pleasures and start nothing the part of you that observes dissatisfaction with losing the pleasure, those activities are almost as great for meditation as formally sitting itself, again breathing is the easiest and the most basic one of those that's why most people use it

Orgasm becomes irrelevant also just a part of the experience, you probably are having intimate sex wrong if you wouldn't even do it without orgasm. You can find point in pointless activities if you become truly mindful! Also the interaction part is no necessarily true, you can use mindful touch, even let yourself go and do things you'd be afraid of otherwise because you step back and observe them, notice little details etc.

That's why having a guide at some point is very useful like the formal groups, at some point you will grow apart from them like pretty much everyone but it leads to faster basic realisations.

I mean you'll come to all this yourself but it can take you 40years instead of 5 hah



From what you're saying you are at a really basic level or merely just noticing things more, that's a start

93% Sure! Last edit: 29/09/2018 16:42

RiKD    United States. Sep 29 2018 17:17. Posts 5499

It's just a different method. The "New Burmese Method" to be precise. One notes whatever arises most prominently.

When I eat mindfully it is usually the chewing and the swallowing that is most prominent. I typically don't start noting "liking, liking." When I am mindfully eating it is just food not this idea of Food. It is sustenance and nourishment not a Drug.

I am Theravada Buddhist so have my ways of doing things. I study under the Mahasi Sayadaw lineage so will have my way of doing things. It is based on the Satipitthana Sutta. Anything else is not viable in my opinion.


Well, all sex is intimate but there is a deeper level of intimate. My nature is to use sex as a drug.


RiKD    United States. Sep 29 2018 17:32. Posts 5499

I think I think too much. Writing these posts is a distraction from meditation. I found myself wanting to reflect on things I had posted or other people had posted and think about what I could post while in meditation today. Which is fine. Thoughts will arise in meditation that is a very natural thing. Sometimes I kind of just dump my thoughts that have been in my mind here and I don't know if that's a good cycle. If I was truly mindful I would just note "thinking, thinking" and the thoughts would vanish but it feels ("feeling, feeling", it feels liberating to be able to just get them out here instead of labeling them. It is hard to be mindful all day long. But, I am learning it's not real liberation. It is just yet another example of clinging and suffering. I think a lot and my mind can be chaotic so unpacking it here "feels" good. Yet, it disrupts meditation and overall leads to dissatisfaction. When do I stop writing? When do I stop being mindful? Where is that smooth, slight sukkha (pleasure) I just had in meditation. I was even noting "liking, liking" and I stayed there for a while. But, that's no different to yesterday when the waves were nice and I could actually get in a nice body surfing session. It's an investigation that's all. An investigation of how I am doing in that moment. I can appreciate zen for going out into the forest and cutting firewood and carrying water and doing chores and meditating. I can't appreciate being hit with a kendo stick for being drowsy. Drowsiness will occur. It is much better to note it and move on to the next moment.


LemOn[5thF]   Czech Republic. Sep 30 2018 08:43. Posts 14738

Isn't attaching yourself to one practice and "your way of doing things" pretty much against the principles in the first place? Don't think Buddha became enlightened by using I, My way of doing things , I study, my nature and being close minded

93% Sure!  

RiKD    United States. Sep 30 2018 15:47. Posts 5499

No. There must be trust in the Buddha and trust in one's teacher(s). Once the Buddha became Enlightened he was very specific with his teachings.


RiKD    United States. Oct 10 2018 00:38. Posts 5499

Satisfying Desires

I had this re-occurring fantasy today that I was in a tuxedo and this gorgeous woman (reminded me of Joanna Krupa) was in this little black dress. It was all the little things. I was drinking champagne. There were chocolate covered strawberries. Sometimes we were at a restaurant sharing tiramisu. Sometimes our eyes were smiling at each other devilishly. There was unbuttoned tuxedos and black lingerie. I had a black Ferrari. Revving up the engine and flying across the streets turned her on, turned me on. I have to say it all sounded pretty good.

I have a crush on a waitress. She kind of reminds me of Alexis Texas with a bigger ass and prettier in the face.

Greed, lust, delusion.

I don't know if any of these thoughts matter.

I don't want to be reborn. "wanting wanting."

I ate a bowl of "rice pudding" tonight so I could sit by the bodhi tree and reach Nibbanna. I don't have any bodhi trees though. Even getting "Stream Enterer" status leaves me with up to 7 more lives in human form.

Clinging to sexual gratification is like getting caught in a shark's jaws.

Oh well, I can always go meditate more.


 





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