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RiKD    United States. Mar 05 2018 21:49. Posts 4899
I turned 34 today. I have celebrated by going to a therapist appointment, picking up my car in the shop, paying a $600 car bill, and then coming home to have some lunch and then finally to have a wank to r/gonewild. I think it's more interesting just to look at and observe. I feel a similar feeling to when I eat a fast food burger and fries with a huge sweet tea. Which I haven't done in two months which is pretty good. So, I am still trying to get outside myself and looking for instant gratification. I really want to do shroom therapy. I wish that was more of a thing.

So, my relationship with AA and the people in AA seems like a tenuous one. My therapist recommended that I go to different recovery like something called Refuge Recovery. She also suggested that I volunteer in something I am passionate about. The first thing that came out of my mouth was homeless people and addicts. I think that is probably true. Why not attempt to help some of the people that have been beaten down and battered by the system? Does anyone on here volunteer? I would be interested in the possibilities.

I ate so much chocolate cake last night it feels like I gained 5 lbs. I wouldn't say my campaign to drop some body fat is hopeless but it certainly could be going better. Also, when I went for a run I acquired hideous shin splints and had to stop running at about 2 miles in. On the bright side the cardio wasn't an issue so that is good. I was running pretty slow though. Hopefully, the shin splints subside but I am not sure why they would unless I change something.

I don't get controlled or dominated at work so that is good. A part of me longs for more meaningful work though. I know we probably don't want to go down this road as we have been already it's just something that came to my mind and something I have to remedy. Volunteering could potentially help with this problem. I still need something that is going to cover rent, food, car expenses, dental work, etc etc etc. I was really doing pretty well until I ran over a nail and went to the dentist for the first time in a long time. I had first and last month's rent with a security deposit but my current income just can't cover it. I guess I just have to accept that and put in the work to likely improve the situation or don't and continue to live with my parents. We have almost certainly been through this before. How does it feel to be 34 and living with my parents? If I remove the ego it really isn't that bad.

Connecting with people sounds so easy on paper but it is actually pretty damn difficult to do.

Do I have hope in my future? I really don't know. I think I might be getting a little depressed and I have been dealing with anxiety. It fucking sucks. Life is hard sometimes.

Wow, what an uplifting birthday post.

I am at a turning point. I am stuck in Charleston, SC. I do not have the funds to move somewhere anytime soon. So, I make the best of it and attempt to make it home or at least an understanding that it is a base and I need the training here. Or, I just drift miserably through life as if this place is a prison or purgatory. The hardest part about depression and anxiety is that it hinders connection. Connection is the last fucking thing you want to do but reconnecting in certain areas are the only anti-depressants that actually work.

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RiKD    United States. Mar 06 2018 03:39. Posts 4899

So, I went to that Refuge Recovery and it is a buddhism based recovery. I didn't hear about God or Jesus the whole meeting and there weren't any prayers. That is a step up in my book. The other women there was really cool. If there are enough people here that do this stuff I could see it being pretty cool. Like a stepping stone to alleviate myself of AA. I called a friend today to ask her about Refuge Recovery and she loves it (the only reason I decided to end up going). She is actually very far in the process of cutting off AA and actually feels the need to use a site about deprogramming from AA as she has been indoctrinated into it since she was 15.


PuertoRican   United States. Mar 06 2018 04:20. Posts 11010

Rekrul is a newb 

Loco   Canada. Mar 06 2018 04:33. Posts 19228

Happy birthday. Refuge Recovery sounds great.

For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. (Mencken) 

PoorUser    United States. Mar 06 2018 12:52. Posts 7362

people i know who volunteer in rehab places tend to find it emotional difficult but ultimately fulfilling. if you think that stress and being around other users likely looking to use are things you can handle it might be worth giving it a shot.

also re shin splints: i ran track a long time ago so my info is dated, but i at least remember hearing if you buy reasonable running shoes and dont run on hard surfaces shin splints should be less of a big deal.

hb~

Moneys gotta go in here 

Defrag   Poland. Mar 06 2018 13:05. Posts 4637

Happy Birthday dude


dnagardi   Hungary. Mar 06 2018 19:39. Posts 1526

hbd


k4ir0s   Canada. Mar 07 2018 01:09. Posts 3347


  On March 05 2018 20:49 RiKD wrote:
A part of me longs for more meaningful work though. I know we probably don't want to go down this road as we have been already it's just something that came to my mind and something I have to remedy. Volunteering could potentially help with this problem



I think you're right. Even those with good jobs struggle with finding meaning. It's something you have to look for outside of work. I know that whether I continue playing poker or move to the city and find a job I'll always struggle with the idea of doing meaningless work.


  On March 05 2018 20:49 RiKD wrote:
The hardest part about depression and anxiety is that it hinders connection. Connection is the last fucking thing you want to do but reconnecting in certain areas are the only anti-depressants that actually work.



true that. The isolation caused by depression feels nature's way of isolating the weak and making sure we don't spread this germ of depression. How do we prosper and connect when, like you said, it's the last thing we want? My therapist also suggest I volunteer, though I can't imagine handing out soup at a soup kitchen. It would be nice to volunteer at a suicide hotline place or somewhere where I could feel needed, but I doubt a depressed person would qualify for that kind of work


I used to get shin splits the first few months I started running. I'd get them, and then it would go away, then I'd get them again.. until my legs and ankles got use to long distance running. Just take a week or two off running when you get them.

Happy bday!

I dont know what a dt drop is. Is it a wrestling move? -OlyLast edit: 07/03/2018 03:09

RiKD    United States. Mar 07 2018 22:04. Posts 4899

Thanks for the birthday wishes everyone.

I got off work early today which means I have time to just sit and think and be in my own head. Great. I was going to go to this place called "The Foot Store" where a foot expert looks at your feet and then you find a shoe. I already have a pair of running shoes and don't need another. I am just curious what she would say.

Fuck this. I am going to read and then probably end up taking a nap. I shouldn't really be napping when I am trending towards depression but fuck it. Maybe I just want to settle in to it. Listen to Radiohead's "Amnesiac" album. Not go to jiu jitsu or yoga tonight. Fuck a meeting. Fucking god and prayer circle jerk. Fuck. I have no friends in Charleston. Fuck my life.


k4ir0s   Canada. Mar 08 2018 07:04. Posts 3347


  On March 07 2018 21:04 RiKD wrote:
Thanks for the birthday wishes everyone.

I got off work early today which means I have time to just sit and think and be in my own head. Great. I was going to go to this place called "The Foot Store" where a foot expert looks at your feet and then you find a shoe. I already have a pair of running shoes and don't need another. I am just curious what she would say.

Fuck this. I am going to read and then probably end up taking a nap. I shouldn't really be napping when I am trending towards depression but fuck it. Maybe I just want to settle in to it. Listen to Radiohead's "Amnesiac" album. Not go to jiu jitsu or yoga tonight. Fuck a meeting. Fucking god and prayer circle jerk. Fuck. I have no friends in Charleston. Fuck my life.



How to disappear completely by Radiohead is a go-to melancholy tune for me.

I dont know what a dt drop is. Is it a wrestling move? -Oly 

VanDerMeyde   Norway. Mar 08 2018 12:11. Posts 4849

Happy birthday !

:D 

iop   Sweden. Mar 08 2018 15:22. Posts 4943

Happy Birthday Rik!

Milkman lol i didnt spend half a thousand on a phone so i could play it cool and be all stealth 

lebowski   Greece. Mar 08 2018 20:57. Posts 8965


  On March 08 2018 11:11 VanDerMeyde wrote:
Happy birthday !

new shit has come to light... a-and... shit! man... 

RiKD    United States. Mar 08 2018 23:21. Posts 4899

I am in better spirits today. I don't even know if that makes sense. My mood is better. I am excited for Refuge Recovery tonight. I don't want to get my expectations too high but it is in a yoga studio so I am hoping some of my people will be there. Stage 1 of transitioning out of AA. It is a bit scary and sometimes I think I am being a bit rash but I need to connect to things that are not god worshipping circle jerks. A part of me thinks I am not giving AA a fair shake but I have been in Charleston for almost a year now and I stop going to meetings or I am just not really jiving with the people. I want to be able to say I am a bit antsy or a bit depressed and not get asked if I prayed that morning. I don't want to tip toe around the fact I don't believe in a god and that much of the Big Book (of AA) is bullshit. Yeah, I gotta get away. At least try out some other avenues. I might even need some deprogramming myself but at least I got into it when I was 30 and not a teenager.


RiKD    United States. Mar 09 2018 03:39. Posts 4899


RiKD    United States. Mar 09 2018 03:41. Posts 4899


RiKD    United States. Mar 10 2018 05:05. Posts 4899

I went to an AA meeting tonight just because I did not have anything better to do. I think it was Loco that said anytime someone says they don't have anything better to do they always have something better to do but in this case it did not feel like it in the moment. It was full of guys with like no time to 2 years who are just full indoctrinated into AA and still just nuts. Probably better than they were but the meeting was actually a bit childish. A bit like the cool kids. A lot of them probably use snapchat. I don't know man I have said it before but it has almost been a year out here and the AA just doesn't seem to be working. I think I should still go to some meetings maybe 1 or 2 a week if that and see how this Refuge Recovery turns out. The Refuge meeting on Thursday was excellent. Definitely my people. I need ways to reconnect outside of AA is what I am saying (and have been saying).

The meeting brought up a memory (it was on 13th Stepping):

I remember after a meeting one of the women waited to get me alone and asked to go out for coffee. (She was 13th stepping me). I like an idiot was like "no, I am just going to go to the other meeting now." I actually really liked her but I don't know if I really did at the time. I think after time she might have even resented me a bit even though I was trying to figure out how I could go back and have her ask me out to coffee (likely never going to happen). I could have just asked her out to coffee (easily what I should have done). Anyway, she ended up fucking other guys and I was just like welp. Oh well, she was a bit of a maneater and probably would of eaten me up and spit me out. (There is more to this story but I don't even know why I am writing it in the first place so I am just kind of done writing for now).


devon06atX   Canada. Mar 11 2018 00:42. Posts 5390

HBD Rik! Hope you're doing well man


RiKD    United States. Mar 11 2018 18:54. Posts 4899

I feel like writing... I don't know what to write. I am getting high on Monsters and listening to music and I am not stopping until I figure out how I am going to get some exercise in this morning... after noon. Things open up because I am pretty sure I am nixing BJJ. I never feel like going. It may just not be for me. There is a chance the head coach comes back from his fight in Brazil and texts me to come train and I get back into it but we will see. I kind of just want to get a good strength training workout in. Get pumped up. What body parts? Well, I am due for chest/triceps/anterior+medial delt. Part of me just wants to just hammer the bis and back though. We will see...

Pyramids by Frank Ocean just came up on the Daily Mix. This song reminds me of a night in Vegas so much. She looked like Cleopatra. "Wake up to a girl, for now let's call her Cleopatra, I watch you fix your hair and pull your panties on in the mirror." That's a site to wake up to. I was hungover like a bomb fell on me but it brightened my morning. Life seemed good. We hugged, she left, I crashed out and slept through all the college football games I threw a bunch of money at the previous day drunk.

There was the time I blacked out playing blackjack and woke up to a floor covered in vomit and a suitcase full of chips.

It's funny though. I was a fucking degenerate man. Many times I got too drunk. Trying to pick up in clubs. What was I doing? But, that weeed man. That was my drug. Weed can making anything better. HiiiIIIIGGGHHHHH. So high. I went months high. With some good music and some good weed I could play like 8k hands a day. 8k hands, 8k hands, 8k hands, ok let's go to the club and spend a bunch of money and get massacred. Surrounded by beautiful women. No luck today just drink more grey goose and go to Rhino where you can drink more grey goose and at the least have a beautiful woman sit on your dick and get some breasts in your face. What if I just want to get high and lay in the pool taking some sun? Get high and play some fifa or some mario kart?

Alright, enough of that. Maybe I still haven't let that part of my life go. Or, maybe it is good to process some of that. I don't know. That song just came up on the daily mix and it brings me right back to that time and I kept having memories.

I don't know if PoorUser remembers sitting around the tv gambling on the Ninja Warrior and Game Show Network? That was fun. That was a pretty cool house but it was maybe a bit cramped and everyone got sick. We were kind of isolated in Pasadena too. I don't like LA. I made a deep FTOPS Main Event run which was cool but wasn't faring so well in the cash games that month. I think I was just too high. I just wanted to get in the hot tub and smoke blunts then I got sick and I just wanted to smoke even more weed and abuse cough medicine.

"If models were made for modeling, thick girls were made for cuddling" - Andre 3000

I think that's what I may need man. Don't worry about these models. Just find a cool girl to date and cuddle. But, I mean that's where I have been at for a while. Where am I going to meet these women? AA? Nope. Cashiers at Chipotle? Probably not. Yoga? I don't even do yoga really. Work? I don't think so. Online dating? Maybe. That means I have to make an account and all that bullshit. Fuck. I feel like there could be a decent crop of 30ish year olds on there in a similar boat. Which site do I go with?

I miss dancing. I have to find some hippie shit where there are drums and chanting and shit. Or, I need to go to a good rave sober. I don't know if I would even want to do that. I miss boxing too. Disjointed: this blog is a bit disjointed. That is because I am just drinking absurd amounts of Monster while listening to music and just writing about whatever comes to mind.

Last monster in the house and I think I found the training I will be doing.

Take care! Much love! Exist in peace and trials and tribulations and overcoming and some form of freedoms!

 Last edit: 11/03/2018 18:55

RiKD    United States. Mar 12 2018 06:04. Posts 4899

So, I am running a facebook experiment. I found a pretty cool AA meeting and stayed after the meeting talking to a friend for like 2 hours. He convinced me to get back on facebook. He says it will be easier to make friends and get invited to things. So, I am giving it a try. I scanned facebook out a bit tonight. Nothing has changed. All the same motherfuckers posting all the same shit. I didn't really have a counter to him bringing up that I am missing events and not getting invited to stuff. So, I will give it a go.

I am kind of in a weird spot. I was attempting to pull away from AA but I guess if I get in with the right people and the right meetings it is a source of connection. I guess I am still trying to figure it out. I was thinking today about how I am seeking this idea and this state when things are right. That state may come into existence at times but it is certainly fleeting and impermanent. How do I even now when things are right? Honestly, it's when I'm at peace, in a flow state, or just one with my breath and awareness. See, you can tell I have been spending some time with buddhism lately.

I trained today and no tendinitis so that is good. I plan to go to Refuge Recovery tomorrow. There are some things I don't like about it but today I do my best to not just focus on the negatives. I'll certainly figure out some things moving forward. Do I want to rationalize it that the God of my understanding is no god? Is my god the universe or reality? Or, do I just want to be a belligerent atheist? I don't really want to be a belligerent atheist but I am an atheist.

So, we will see how this experiment goes. I fucking hate facebook. I shouldn't have agreed to do this but we will see. I think I have to have an open mind and be willing to do my best to connect to people.


 
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