Experience and reflection

You seem super directionless. What stops you from setting a life goal and working toward it?

I think Jordan Peterson has it partly right that we should seek out responsibility. I think it is important to be careful of it becoming a burden. At the base of it all is we need "meaning" whatever that means. I realize for the most part I just need connection. I just spent a few days in my old stomping grounds and it was literally first thing in the morning to into the early morning of just hanging out with old friends. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. I don't really believe in life goals. Something I always see myself doing is helping suffering alcoholics. Maybe taking care of some rescue pets. Really just being helpful and useful in anyway I can.

I see ambition as a positive trait but I just don't really have much of it now. I am not in it. There are few zones that I achieve these days which is a problem but I am still in the corner of not knowing what I want to do. If I want to dance with the pretty girl I am going to have to ask. If I want a kiss I am going to have to go 90%. If I want sex I have to make her wet. If I like her it would be nice to have some blueberry pancakes with real maple syrup from Vermont. She can leave early too if she wants. We are all adults here.

It's all about sex, security, relationships. The buddhists would have me refrain from everything besides meditation and helping people. They may be onto something. I prefer walks in the forest, coffee shops, AA meetings, diners and conversation. Deadlifts and Indian food. Sincere hugs.

I need to create that sort of life where I am now. It is possible. It may take time. That or find a job in Pittsburgh. If I had a good job offer I would be there in a second.

I see I see. I kind of get it.

I obviously care about sex, security, and relationships but these are what all my resentments and fears stem from. It is not good for me to get self obsessed and discontented over these things. Many times I strive to take a more buddhist approach to these things. Sex can cause problems and is not needed. There is no such thing as long term security. We are all in a state of groundlessness. I do feel that people are extremely important and that I need human connection or else I will be miserable and go out and drink again. I would strive for direction except I don't know which way to go so I just go the way I think is best. I realize that money and jobs are a needed aspect of this but I struggle. I don't know how far I should take the Buddhism. I want sex, money, and friends and a certain level of status. I want to be liked within a tribe. Respected within a tribe. I don't really want to beg for food and meditate all day. I realize it is in my best interests to take on more responsibility but already with working not even a full 40 hours a week it is a burden on my ability to meet people. So, I do need more direction in my life but I don't think it is going to be about becoming a CEO, making six figures, or buying a big house in a gated community. I used to make low six figures and it was real nice especially as a 20 something but I don't think I need that. A decent apartment in a cool area, some money for dating, maybe some traveling. I want to make sure not to end up on a lower rung of a social sphere. There was a time I was trying to live a Chicago life on $70,000 and it was not doable so I lived way out in Indiana and it was kind of a mess. As I said I would love to live in Pittsburgh. I have a tribe out there and it is wonderful.

I feel like reflecting a little bit on the weekend. My nephew had a 1 year birthday party. It was a costume party. One of my sister in laws friends showed up. At my brother's wedding she asked me to go to a bar afterwards just the two of us... I was a bit scared and told her I was going to hang out with my family that I haven't seen in a while. While it was nice to hang out with my family it was kind of a bone head play. She is gorgeous. Anyways, we see each other on occasion and it is always a little weird. Some parts awkward and some part sexual tension. She looked amazing at the party and it kind of took me aback. I don't know if she wants anything to do with me at this point nor does it really matter because I see her less than once a year. I just get to fantasizing why the hell didn't I have sex with her that night or just she would be cool to date if we lived in the same city. The sexual tension is there and we have a lot in common.

After that we celebrated my sister's birthday. She likes hanging out with the gays so that's what we did. Her friends were pretty funny. We were playing a drinking game and "never have I ever.." came up. Her best friend just goes: "Everyone look at the fingers! Never have I ever been fucked in the ass!" and puts his finger down. I looked at the only viable straight woman and wouldn't you know she put her finger down. She also put her finger down for "Never have I ever had sex in the back of a pick up" and Tony, my sister's best friend, refereed to her as slut bag multiple times. It turns out my younger sister put her finger down too and her and my brother-in-law were feeling the awkwardness. I don't really give a fuck. If that's what they want to do good for them. Anyways, we go off to a club. My other brother-in-law J tells me I have to protect my butt and I couldn't really hear him well and didn't understand but then as I walk through the club I was like "Yup, definitely a gay club." I had only been in one one time previous and people were not wearing halloween costumes. A lot could be said about the particular gay club we were in but it was pretty much a bunch of gay men just attempting to have a good time. I like a lot of gay music so that was cool. I mostly just stood on the wall talking to my brother-in-law and my sisters sipping on a perrier. It is weird sipping on waters. I used to have no qualms about going on alcohol ivs sipping down endless drinks but I would just drink the water really slowly. Sometimes it felt weird being in a gay club as a straight alcoholic in recovery but I am glad I went. It was extra time to catch up and have fun with my sisters and bros-in-law. I enjoyed their gay friends company. It's not like I was really going to hook up with the slut bag. She was first and foremost a fag hag on a night like that. It seems like a gay club is more or less a protective place for a woman. A sacred sanctuary. I caught a woman staring at me pretty hard and I just thought: no, not here, not now.

After a 14 hour car ride I am back in Charleston. I don't feel that motivated to do anything besides maybe taking the dog for a walk on the beach. I'll get to cleaning some clothes and getting back to the swing of things. I was so motivated to get back into training after doing deadlifts and kettlebell swings in a basement gym with a great friend listening to Rage Against the Machine but now I don't know. I would like to get in better shape. That's one thing about the gay club. Everyone was in like phenomenal shape. I don't know if it is as important to please women. Security and status is of course the most important. That's one of the reasons I think I should go more Buddhist. I'll meet crazy Buddhist women that don't care about tons of money or certain status levels. It is similar with AA: The odds are good but the goods are odd. I always make excuses. I want to start from a stronger starting point but I always make excuses. I live with my parents. I am overweight. I wish I had a better job.

try to measure things relatively.

Compare yourself to people with similar starting points as you in life, that is how I overcame my feelings of inadequacy.

I don't think that is the worst way to go. Honestly lacking in something is still lacking. I am not that overweight so probably not to the point of inadequacy in dating situations but living with my parents and not having free time at night or the freedom to buy dinners or do fun things due to my job is definitely inadequate. My brother probably had the most similar starting point to me in life and now is doing very well for himself. I am lacking in all the things on paper. He has a PhD in Physics and makes shitloads in Data Science, has the big house, has a wife, and has a kid. I would eventually like a life partner but all those other things are great for him but not for me. Well, I would love a PhD in Physics and a Data Science job but I don't do anything to get there. I am not comparing myself to trust fund kids and bonafide geniuses. My brother might even qualify as a genius in math and physics. My one sister is happily going to school and working as a therapist. She is married to a real cool guy and they live in a cool continuously renovated place. That is more my speed. My other sister is a Doctor of Audiology and rents a nice place with her husband. So, if I only cared about the material I would feel pretty shitty with this little comparing exercise. They all have great jobs, great places to live, and are married. None of them are alcoholics or bipolar I. It can be interesting how the tides turn. I was once traveling around the world making great income through poker. The way that all ended up definitely came back to bite me. My college degree seems to come back to bite me.

I think what is most important to me here is that many times feelings of inadequacy are real. It is a problem if the feelings of inadequacy are not based in truth but if they are it is like ok let's work on this. It is a Sartre idea. What we have now is the existing. Where we are inadequate is the lacking. The ideal is the lacked. Many times the ideal is not realistic which is a problem. I remember when I was really into bodybuilding (and Sartre) and I decided that the lacked would be Brad Pitt in Troy or I even took it a step further and said the lacked would be Adonis sculpted by Rodin. I do not have Brad Pitt genetics and I certainly can not achieve something sculpted by a master. It was unrealistic. I could still do my best. The difference between the current existing and the ground I can make up can be tremendous but it won't be the lacked but it very well may be good enough. That is what I go for a lot these days. Good enough.

On October 25 2017 16:16 RiKD wrote: Well, I would love a PhD in Physics and a Data Science job but I don't do anything to get there.

Do you actually have a (more-than-casual) interest in physics or data science, or do you just like the idea of yourself having a Physics PhD+Data Science job because it signifies a certain level of intelligence/success/etc.?

I enjoyed AP Physics in high school and was good at it. I did not enjoy it enough to consider it as something that I was going to do for my degree or professionally. The same can be said for data science. I never really got into it. I never really got past Python. I like the idea of me making low six figures relatively easily. I am sure my brother envied me somewhat when I was in this position with poker and now I envy him. It is all quite easy for him. He still has to put in a certain amount of hours in a week but it is not terribly stressful. I think it can still be a bit challenging and stimulating at times. It is a soft envy. I love my brother and I am happy for him. I don't really give too much shits about signifying a certain level of intelligence/success. Show me the money but more so show me the money with some stimulation and without too much stress. I think if someone talks to me for a while they will realize I am not stupid. It is not like I had any control over that really. I was born with an iq, my parents took care of me pretty well, I went to pretty good schooling, and I have a curiosity for reading and learning. I'd rather just be some guy than someone labelled as smart or getting into an intelligence thing and for the most part I really am just some guy with a higher than average iq that is fairly well read. It is nothing special at all. I am not special. I sort of just made it an intelligence thing. I love going down to the coffee shop to have some conversations. This does not make me an intellectual but I hope it does not make me a pseudo-intellectual. I don't need to be a part of the word intellectual. I am just trying to live.

The success piece I really think a part of me only wants success so I can live an awesome life and fuck attractive women. That is a bit at odds with the Buddhism portion of my brain. That portion tells me to relax and meditate. Every problem I have just relax and meditate. I do want status. I do want to be the leader of a tribe or at least a part of a cool tribe. The tribe has to agree that I am a pretty awesome person that is worthy of fucking attractive women. The women see this and oblige. I have been touching on that stuff a lot recently.

There are so many different versions of success. We should be talking about that! I was never one to be a lawyer because that is what would make me successful. What has to be understood though is there are many portions of society that thinks just that. So far in my 33 years I have found that peace has got to be a huge marker of success. Peace, contentment, serenity. That is a tough phase to enter in this world of suffering.

So, in conclusion, no I don't think it has to do with signifying intelligence, success, or anything. I just want to make low six figures in my pajamas again like my brother is currently doing relatively easily.

What do your sibling and peers think of your situation?

What did you think of your siblings while you were high on poker success?

I think my siblings want more for me. There is not really a whole lot they can do. It is the same with peers. I think some peers are wondering what the fuck I am doing with my life. I am selling myself short but until I have a better idea of what I want to be doing I can't really achieve what I am capable of. I think a fair amount of peers from AA are just happy I am not drinking and for the most part not too discontented. I am told to be spiritual. The spiritual side of me tells me to be accepting of my life. To find peace and serenity with my life the way it is. So, I am at odds with all of that. A better job on day shift would likely improve my life quite a bit. A group of local friends like I had in Pittsburgh would definitely improve my life. A decent enough apartment. I will just keep it to those 3 things but I can do my best to accept my current life because that is what my life is right now but I hope it does not hinder me from having the 3 things I just listed in my life.

My brother I thought what is he doing making no money in college? Why won't he play poker? But, I didn't really want to tinker too much as at the time he seemed to really enjoy Physics and a PhD in a science like that is pretty valuable.

My sister I wanted her to try and go pro in voice. She has an amazing voice but never really had the go getting gene. She eventually made a go at it but I suspect it was a bit too late. She hated LA and had an idiot boyfriend with her. I suspect she was mostly smoking weed and doing coke. She found some decent producers and put some stuff together but none of it was that great. I am glad she found her way. She will be a great therapist.

I think my youngest sister was still in high school. She always got really good grades and was just naturally a really bubbly good person.

I really love my siblings. I always just wanted the best for them. I am happy they are all doing very well now.

I'm not sure what you mean by 'getting past' Python? There are plenty of highly-experienced/skilled programmers who use Python as their primary language and it has some very good data/machine learning libraries. Just because it's one of the more commonly used languages for teaching programming doesn't mean its a language to be gotten past (if this isn't what you meant then feel free to ignore this).

On October 26 2017 00:36 RiKD wrote: The success piece I really think a part of me only wants success so I can live an awesome life and fuck attractive women. That is a bit at odds with the Buddhism portion of my brain. That portion tells me to relax and meditate. Every problem I have just relax and meditate. I do want status. I do want to be the leader of a tribe or at least a part of a cool tribe. The tribe has to agree that I am a pretty awesome person that is worthy of fucking attractive women. The women see this and oblige. I have been touching on that stuff a lot recently. [...] So, in conclusion, no I don't think it has to do with signifying intelligence, success, or anything. I just want to make low six figures in my pajamas again like my brother is currently doing relatively easily.

I would argue the two parts I bolded contradict each other.

Easy and high-paying together is a tough one unless you happen to be like top 1% in some in-demand skill. One of the reasons I asked about your level of interest is because a lot of 'data science' work involves pretty mundane and tedious stuff like actually finding good data, cleaning the data, etc. which might be difficult to reconcile with your 'keeps me stimulated' requirement. As you advance you might be able to bypass some of the redundant aspects eventually, but you can't really avoid them altogether.

Can't remember if this has been suggested yet but have you considered sales? I know it goes against (what seems to be) your nature, but it's something certain people just have a knack for and has a high upside. If you can find some product you genuinely believe in and think others would benefit from, it could be stimulating as well.

"I really love my siblings. I always just wanted the best for them. I am happy they are all doing very well now."

This part doesnt feel completely truthful based on what I've read.. But it doesnt matter, sibling rivalry and resentment as a result is probably super common.

From what I've read you just seem very lazy due to a fear of failure, probably also very common..

My advice is still the same, pick something and get good at it.

On October 26 2017 21:34 bigredhoss wrote: [QUOTE]On October 26 2017 00:36 RiKD wrote: The success piece I really think a part of me only wants success so I can live an awesome life and fuck attractive women. That is a bit at odds with the Buddhism portion of my brain. That portion tells me to relax and meditate. Every problem I have just relax and meditate. I do want status. I do want to be the leader of a tribe or at least a part of a cool tribe. The tribe has to agree that I am a pretty awesome person that is worthy of fucking attractive women. The women see this and oblige. I have been touching on that stuff a lot recently. [...] So, in conclusion, no I don't think it has to do with signifying intelligence, success, or anything. I just want to make low six figures in my pajamas again like my brother is currently doing relatively easily. I would argue the two parts I bolded contradict each other.

They do. It is a contradiction in my life. There are moments where I don't need status or simply enough status to have some good friends and a decent life. There are other moments when I crave more. It is typically women driven and sometimes I fall back into consumer habits. I don't have a lot of time to write so I will just leave it there.

Easy and high-paying together is a tough one unless you happen to be like top 1% in some in-demand skill. One of the reasons I asked about your level of interest is because a lot of 'data science' work involves pretty mundane and tedious stuff like actually finding good data, cleaning the data, etc. which might be difficult to reconcile with your 'keeps me stimulated' requirement. As you advance you might be able to bypass some of the redundant aspects eventually, but you can't really avoid them altogether. Can't remember if this has been suggested yet but have you considered sales? I know it goes against (what seems to be) your nature, but it's something certain people just have a knack for and has a high upside. If you can find some product you genuinely believe in and think others would benefit from, it could be stimulating as well.

My last "proper" job was in sales. I ran into some corruption which was pretty difficult to deal with but other than that it was a pretty good job.

On October 27 2017 02:13 wobbly_au wrote: "I really love my siblings. I always just wanted the best for them. I am happy they are all doing very well now." This part doesnt feel completely truthful based on what I've read.. But it doesnt matter, sibling rivalry and resentment as a result is probably super common. From what I've read you just seem very lazy due to a fear of failure, probably also very common.. My advice is still the same, pick something and get good at it.

I am happy they are all doing very well now. Envy is not quite the word. There is no resentment or bitterness. I don't feel wronged but I do long for more money and contentment. Who really knows if my siblings are more content but from the outside looking in they have pretty great lives.

"Very lazy due to a fear of failure" is probably about right. I have been seeking out ways to overcome this. I don't think I have really been doing a good job.

Yeah, that's what it boils down to. Pick something and get good at it. That's what it always boils down to.

Loco pointed this out to me before but I had a thought about it today that could go a little deeper. I have some ideas that are at odds with each other. Primarily, the idea of status within social spheres vs Buddhism and then there is some Sartre about being free and autonomous and authenticity and a host of other stuff. There is also AA stuff ingrained in there about taking personal inventories, meditating and helping others. So, the social strivers and the Sartre can go hand in hand and the Buddhism and AA can go hand in hand. The buddhists would just have me meditate while the status people want me climbing social hierarchies. I always had this ideal in my mind that I would have sex with a lot of attractive women. I slept with some attractive women and was like ok. Most were pretty good in bed too but it certainly wasn't the holy grail. I think it is true in that if you want to sleep with a lot of attractive women you have to be chosen within a social sphere. I think it is ingrained in me that that should be some sort of worthwhile goal. I have dated a number of women since and have realized the je ne sais quoi factor is extremely important. Beauty comes in many forms and we are dealing with a human woman here not an object for my pleasure. Sometimes an object for my pleasure. More like 2 essences getting lost to the beat of a carnal drum.

I think it could really boil down to self esteem. Does Buddhism bring self esteem through the truth? That we are all meat vessels that suffer? I don't have to believe in all or any of this stuff really. It is all compelling. It is at odds. Where is the leak? I think AA maybe making me too meek. I am not sure if Buddhism is helping me or holding me back. Sartre stuff and Nietzsche stuff too I think can lead to selfishness. That maybe an oversimplification. Sartre's "Being and Nothingness" is one of my favorite books. The social sphere stuff maybe just leading to more suffering. It seems weird to force. It is kind of like pick something and get good at it. Get good at something a social sphere values and there you go. It should not be forced. I think at the end of the day I am in some wild rapids trying to grasp at something before I die. That is what is going to happen. I am going to die. What's the difference if I am blotting out the consciousness with work... My days in Pittsburgh socializing with friends were much more easy going and enjoyable. Who cares if I live with my parents and haven't had a date in over 6 months? Well, I think I do. Should I care? Should I run to my Buddhism and my AA to cope? Get real with the social hierarchy and Sartre? I mean Buddhism is getting real too. AA in some aspects beyond baby Jesus and prayer. I think that is how my mind has come to work. Cycling through all of these things in hopes of finding what is true.

Should I push for a version of Christian Grey or bury myself in meditation and the writings of Pema Chodron?

I am free to do whatever I want (within reason). I think just as long as I am honest. At work I make the Italian dressing with out thyme because I don't like to pull all the tiny leaves off the delicate sprigs. I will probably do the same today. That may carry over into other parts of my life.

I got a new body wash today and it smells great. I don't think it will change my life or anything but why not smell good?

I can reject society or I can figure out how to co-exist and even thrive. Why not thrive? We only get one brief existence. We will still have to deal with the tedious and suffering but I hope that I can deal with a smile and a laugh.

Sometimes I wonder how much I am still seduced by consumerist society. I get drawn into having a great beard, having a great haircut, the shampoo, the conditioner, the pomade, the beard oil, the beard comb, I always want more tattoos. No matter what I do it is like I always find myself caught up in vanity. Earlier this year I went 7 months with out sex or masturbation. Giving the practice of refraining a try. I think healthy dating is probably better for me. I think so many people want to see me with a good girlfriend or a wife it is re-assuring. Man, I just know if I ride the vanity, self-obsessed train I am headed for suffering. It's all suffering. I really just don't want to end up drunk or on drugs. Which is why I need some aspects of AA. I could go in circles all day and I am actually really tired I just thought it might be a good time to get some further thoughts down.

I think it is good for me to ruminate on things from time to time. It kind of goes with what has been discussed in the ROFL thread and Truth thread. Are consumers seducing us all or are they just giving us what we want? I don't know if I worded that question exactly how I wanted to word it. I want to feel cool and attractive around just about everyone. Do I need the haircut, clothes, shoes... I mean we have been through this before. What happens if I just buzz my hair, trim my beard like once a week, rarely shampoo, use the most basic soap, wear the simplest of clothes, eat soups, meditate and not have sex or masturbate for 7 months. I did that. I don't think it is the peak of living what what does the peak of living even mean? I want my heart rate to flutter a bit. I want mystery. It's pretty clear I want to date again. At the same time I don't want to morph into some self-obsessed, fussy fashionista that is obsessed with their social standing. That would suck.