Experience and reflection - Page 2

I am trying to find the perfect way to live imperfectly.

It is not reasonable to be Adonis sculpted by Rodin or a billionaire. The lacked is simply an indicator. My life is not and will not be perfect. I will not always feel well.

Do men biologically want fancy shampoos, conditioners, soaps, face wash, razors, shaving cream, after shave, moisturizers, pomades, fast cars, tailored suits....

I keep my keys on a key chain that I attach to my belt loop. I want to get a piece of art for my key chain. I never wanted that until I saw it in a magazine. Then and now I think wow that is pretty cool.

I am taking myself and life too seriously in some regards and not serious enough in others. I guess I'll listen to some Tribe (Called Quest) and get to an AA meeting I happen to enjoy.

Well, I made a commitment. I am growing my beard out for the month of November to see what happens. I am already probably at 1 month growth. The beard oil is on the way. The things I do to forget that I am going to die. I think it is wise to partake in some of it. It is all about self awareness and truth no? Well, I like getting into beard care and repressing fears of death. The days I am out socializing I don't typically worry about death or post on this damn site. It is a surrogate. Evil. No. I have no real opinion on the site besides a lot of nostalgia and now former poker players and wannabe poker players and even some current poker players can argue about LGBT issues, political issues, bitcoin, STARCRAFT, UFC, whatever and I can sit here and post endless little posts or long posts in a row because I want to unwind a little bit before bed and I just bought some beard oil and I am excited.

So, I am growing out my hair to get a cool haircut and put a bunch of product in it and I am growing out my beard to put a bunch of product in it BUT I am going for more rounds at the Goodwill. Gotta minimize the clothes. More vanity in the areas of hair, beard, tattoos. Less clothes with a caveat that I may buy new clothes. My expenses last month were double what they were the month before which isn't too surprising because the month before I did absolutely nothing and ate at work and $5-10 stuff and last month I travelled for a week. I can see it seeping into this month though with more consumption. It just seems to happen no? I just have to tone it back down and I won't go broke. Man, in some moments my existence feels absolutely miserable if I start comparing it to what I want it to be. That is not even real though. Living in fantasy, the future, the past is bollocks. The present moment is what matters. I am just sitting pretty calmly typing on the computer my thoughts as they arise. There is no pain. I know I will die but it is like I can grasp this fact. I am living with my parents but who cares? My mom is downstairs watching some shitty tv show but I love her. We went out ot lunch yesterday and it was a lot of fun. The food was exceptional. Husk is my favorite restaurant in Charleston so far and one of my favorite restaurants that I have been to in the world. Sometimes it feels a little weird that I can casually have lunch at Husk when I barely have money. My parents have a lot of money. $100 for a meal for two is not really a big deal but not something they want to do too often. That amount would not have even registered as anything back when I was playing poker but it is interesting because my dad makes more money now consulting than I ever did playing poker. I did not really have any ingrained expenses then though. I don't really have too much now. Health insurance is a bitch. I don't even pay rent lolz. I don't even really know how the people where I work pay rent. Many work two jobs that sounds miserable. I want it Denmark style. 30 hour work weeks. $20/hr min wage. I really have no idea what the cost of living is like in say Copenhagen though. I was talking with another chef last night. He worked at a Michelin 3 star restaurant in New York City and said it was 15 hours a day of living in fear. This is getting a bit long though so I can end it here, cut my nails, I kind of want to have a wank but it is not really an option. I'll probably just read a bit and get to sleep. Goodnight LP.

Life is complicated. I was out the other night with some younger recovering alcoholics and addicts. Many of them in their phones constantly. In this case I think the buddhists and others have it right. Let's refrain from the screens and have some conversations. What are we all doing here? Refraining from any fidgeting is the real challenge. I don't think it's possible.

How I ended up at that dinner? My home group was cancelled and the only meeting at 7pm was a gay AA meeting. My lesbian friend told me I should go to LGBT meetings in the city because there will be more open minded younger people. Just say I am an ally. I still actually was a bit nervous. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable around gay guys especially if there is a lot of them. I think I am getting better hence why I went to the meeting. I credit my sisters and their gay friends for that and I had a close gay friend I was giving rides to a lot a couple of years ago. I don't know if I go to this meeting if I didn't have a not horrible time at a gay club a couple of weeks ago. It was more interesting than fun and my sister's friends are cool. Anyways, the meeting goes well and one of the guys invites me out to dinner. I should back up though. I walk into the meeting and they are talking about making a sex swing out of yarn. I sit off in the corner just quiet. At that time it seems like everyone in the meeting is gay. By the time I go out to dinner it seems like I am eating dinner with all straight guys. The guy I gave a ride to dinner was talking about his girlfriend. Not that I really care. They can be straight, gay, bi, lesbian, trans whatever. There were quite a lot of attractive women in the room. Maybe tarnish my reputation a bit and dog it up in there. I don't really have that in my toolkit. My play is to just slowly make friends with everyone and not have any sex, go manic and then do something stupid and end up in the psych ward.

I have a handful or maybe more of lesbian and bi female friends. I seem to get along really well with them. I only really have 1 close gay male friend that I can think of. No trans friends. I had 1 that I would have some conversations with but she moved.

I don't want to be self-delusional. I don't want to be in a bad space either. This whole vanity project I am on may last for a bit. My stints at bodybuilding were a helluva time. I am either going back to pumping iron or jiu jitsu. At least the exercising is a panacea of health and feeling good. I want to get back to some deadlifts and kettlebell swings. Weighted pull ups ohhhhhh yeaaaahhhhh! Plan out my next tattoo. BEARD OIL. I haven't shampooed in like 5 days and my hair looks great. Natural oils. It feels good too. VANITY. Embrace it. I am not really one to root for these areas confined by imaginary lines whether that is local sports teams or the olympics or wars. USA! USA! USA! In my days I have seen the trials and tribulations of money. It's nice to have it. A certain amount of it. Hopefully, acquiring it by doing something not so bad to spend time doing. It's weird that it becomes God for some people. I have to hang out with some friends or family. I think that's self-delusional. Maybe it helps me forget I will die. That I am an organic pain collector racing toward oblivion. It is so easy to go round and round on these things. In writing this I am 15 min. closer to death. So, why am I doing it? What if it reduces stress and I add 1 min. to my life? I could just sit and breathe. I could go out and stare at the stars. I could drive around in my car listening to podcasts, I could go out to a movie theatre and watch a probable bad movie. Thinking about life and death and how to live life and contemplating it for some reason makes life better for me. It is interesting to me to constantly monitor and constantly try things out. I was listening to a podcast today that this guy would repeatedly get his nipples pierced because he loved the experience and the following endorphins. It got me thinking "shit, let's go get my nipples pierced!" They were talking about tattoos also which I love. There is an excitement and then a calm and like a very smooth burn of endorphins that comes with getting tattooed. It can also be a bit of a bad ass therapy session. The guy that did most of my tattoos and myself would get into some deep conversations. That's like some of the highlights of my life. There are a lot though. To think I had 3 days in Pittsburgh of virtual bliss. I have had some great experience being back in Charleston by simply saying "yes" or doing things I don't ordinarily do. Work is work. I am getting an income to live some semblance of a life. Yeah, I live with my parents but I think that is just the way it has got to be for now. Well, I have been writing for a while now so I think I will stop.

You should arrange one of these. (I just learned about it today, pretty cool huh?)

I don't really have the connections yet. Of course, that is an excuse. I am a child. I need someone else to do it for me. Wahhhh. I would say let's start one on here but that is one thing that would do sooo much better in person. What a great idea. Cake and tea and discussing death and how to live our finite lives. The first one in the USA is where my brother and sister live and where I went to school. I will really have to figure out a way to make this work. I think there are so many cool people that would be down for this. I would almost want to know at least 3 people there. I don't know if I am the best to market it. I just don't know enough people yet. Maybe start it as a meetup.com group.

I know I should not live in fantasy but I want an older woman to seduce me and teach me BDSM. I could probably find one if I searched online well enough but that seems pretty sketchy.

Hopes, desires, fantasies. Hope is an interesting word. Everyone says we need it but it is really an expectation which many times can be unreasonable but it can keep us going. In my darkest times hope may be the thing that got me through? Maybe it is more so reasonable expectations that are the bread and butter of keeping us going. Do we need hope?

I don't see why I need BDSM to get outside myself. I am sure it would work for a fleeting amount of time. It is not about using experiences as drugs or highs. Although everything could be looked at in that way. A Death Cafe conversation could be a slow burning, stimulating high. Any authentic, honest connection with people is some level a high for the brain and the soul. I would even say many times it is not as fleeting as thoughts, understandings can stay with people for a time.

I don't understand the comic. Why would thinking of yourself as an organic pain collector make you any less happy? I actually find it kind of interesting, to try and figure out what the world is like or what a scientific picture of the world is and what humans are. The results are always interesting and doing things that are interesting is one source of happiness for me.

Thinking about all the bad aspects of life is not very fruitful. There may be some hard truths involved that allow us to live a better, more authentic finite life here on earth but I have found it is not good for me to dwell. So, obviously there is not any meaning of life but worse it can be difficult to find or sustain any sort of meanings here on earth. The universe doesn't give a shit about us. We are insignificant. Terrestrially, we can find some things that we could call meaning. Helping out someone in need, rescuing a pet, creating a work of art are just a few. There is also quality of life. I have to focus on deriving quality out of my days. I need an income. Hopefully, it won't be too disagreeable. I will likely be spending most of my waking hours doing this thing so I better like it or it better provide me with some money or time to do other stuff. Connection with people is something that is really important to me outside of work (and inside of work), exercise, reading but mostly connection. I could spend hours on a porch, patio, coffee shop, diner, someone's home just shooting the breeze. I just realized I may be slightly getting off topic but I don't think so. For me it is not about the science of life as maybe that has just become a part of me and I have lived through some bad nihilistic times because of it but I have realized I have to focus on the good aspects of life and manage it in a way so that it is less bad.

On November 04 2017 01:55 Stroggoz wrote: I don't understand the comic. Why would thinking of yourself as an organic pain collector make you any less happy? I actually find it kind of interesting, to try and figure out what the world is like or what a scientific picture of the world is and what humans are. The results are always interesting and doing things that are interesting is one source of happiness for me.

It's a comic, not a philosophical argument. I just thought it was funny since I bring up self-deception regularly. I actually agree with you about knowledge but you have to understand that acquiring knowledge is patently not enough to make life worth living for most people. I mean, come on, you got a degree in philosophy. How many people actually bother with that? Of course a comic will generalize but the point that self-deception is at the center of human life definitely stands true. Knowledge for the sake of knowledge doesn't inspire people. And even for us who do find meaning through it -- perhaps principally and above everything else -- we still have a pain threshold that if we went over we would prefer non-existence over such a life. Life's only really interesting if you're healthy enough to be able to pursue what you want, and our health is somewhat out of our control.

the more i think about that comic, it seems like a paradox to me. The key to alot of unhappiness is self delusion. People believe in religion or fight wars largely because of self deception. They think their nation is superior to others or that their religion is true and others have a false religion. But then for those same people, their own happiness is propped up by self deception. If they think their kid wont die and rot into the ground but go to an afterlife, they will be happier.

yeah anyway i realize its not an argument and its funny, but i like to analyze these things and ask whether they are true or not, even if it's not intended as a serious argument.

I don't think it's a paradox. It's a play on ironic process theory and terror management theory, imo. A slightly more informed "ignorance is bliss" cartoon.

Ignorance is bliss. Who wishes to be blue pilled? The science of it all. Knowledge for the sake of knowledge. I do enjoy stimulating science and philosophy. I don't know if that is the end all be all. I know I would certainly be spending a lot of time in the library and in my cell reading if I were in prison. I would also be having conversations with people. In a way I am in a prison. I am a slave to money and then I die. I come into contact with a lot of God's will type of people in AA. I don't believe these people are truly blue pilled. Some of them might be but it just appears as if there is an even greater looming terror behind the levels and levels of delusion. I have seen some strange tells in instances when certain truths can not be denied. There is fear there even if they would never admit it. How could there not be? Any sort of inkling that God does not have their back or that there is not a heaven would be terrifying.

I think if I was paraplegic I could adjust and still live a decent enough life. Some cancers would be tough. The guy who could only communicate by blinking would be really tough. I am sure there are countless cases where living would be difficult. Pursuing what one wants is a major aspect of life being interesting. I do agree. What is also interesting is that we do not always know what we want and sometimes things are great for some time period and then lose their luster. I suppose that is all part of life. I am getting older by the second. Many older friends have told me time speeds up as you age. The fact that life is finite makes me want to hurry up but hurry up and do what? I would love to go to Tokyo but do I really have to go to Tokyo? Will my life be that much better or worse if I never make it there? I will remember experiences but I will cherish the relationships. I still think back to asados I had in South America, beach parties in Malta, cookouts in Vegas, vacations to New Hampshire/Maine.

Am I ever going to get it together? No, probably not. That does not mean I can not be doing pretty well for myself. I think really what I want to experience is love. I have felt it before but not with a partner. That comes to the forefront a lot. That could be some aspect of quality of life. Not necessarily a meaning but a magical part of existence. Maybe not though. It is possible I am a celibate bachelor for the remainder of my life. Seems silly to get caught up in that too much. Date if I want to date. Don't if I don't.

We are all in the same boat. Everyone else in my family is on that get married, buy a house, have a kid route. The fact that I have been depressed and suicidal this year maybe they are on to something but I don't even contemplate that route whatsoever. I have been over this before too. I am a girlfriend, rented apartment, FREEDOM kind of guy. Not to say I can really claim I would be so free in those circumstances just that I would be free of babies. I don't mind taking care of my nephews for a few hours but that is about it. All that suffering over the course of it's life and for what? VANITY. VANITY. Oh, how we love vanity. My beard oil came in the mail today and I am just so pleased to try it out. How will my beard look? How will it feel? Oh, great VANITY. How we love you so. It's something to do. I don't even think barely any women like beards. A part of me feels cool when guys compliment my beard. Is that what I am doing it all for? TO BE A MAN. A MANLY MAN. A VAIN MAN. VANITY!

Alright, I have written enough. I need to go to sleep.

Guys, if I start blow drying my beard help me please.

just glanced at the blog section out the corner of my eye and read this title as "experience an erection" despite making multiple posts here.

Hahaha. Not too far off really. A lot of my drivel boils down to the desire to experience erections and the fun, the closeness (it could really be a lot of things here) that lead up to la petit mort and relief. Only fleeting. You can take a shower, you can cuddle, you can make eggs benedict. Man, actually, when I was getting high I would just get high all the time and stack fun stuff. Part of me wants to go back to that. Fuck AA let's get high. Marijuana isn't alcohol. I can imagine I would be getting high and want some wine. What's stopping me. Fuck I love wine. I just want to bathe in it. I miss my decanter glasses. Pouring about 3 glasses worth in there and taking a shower when I got home from work all sweaty and dirty and smelling like steel mills. The aroma. The taste. The head change. Ahhhh, the buzz. I could do anything in that area just a bit past buzzed. There was one night I drank 8 bottles of wine and started setting shit on fire in my apartment. I started burning myself. I was seriously going to commit hari kari with a santoku knife from Japan but I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it so I set the blade on fire and branded my arm. I then took a candle and burnt my hand. I told everyone at work I was into BDSM which isn't a lie but obviously misleading and I am not sure if anyone believed me or wished to pry at that point.

I liked candles though. I really got into candles. I would just go through all these super expensive ones. They smelled amazing. I remember I got this cuban cigar one that was great and I would have a bottle or two of wine with dinner and then switch to cognac and start smoking expensive cigars in my apartment. Many nights I would get blindingly drunk and belt out italian opera at 2-3am or so. I never heard anything from my neighbors or the rental people. I don't know what is better. A cigar with bourbon or a cigar with cognac? Probably bourbon. I had this rocking chair where I would just get so drunk on bourobn I probably couldn't stand and just have my cigar listening to some Johnny Cash. I started listening to country. I would walk into bars like John Wayne in flannel shirts, tight jeans, and boots sit down and order a double of tequila. Oh, it was bad. Now I have this whole growing a beard thing. I don't know what that's all about. I am going to try it. I will probably get a nice brush for my beard. I already have the beard oil and am excited to see how it works.

You know, I would rather have some good friends than just vagina all the time. I don't know if that is actually true or what is more reasonable. I can sit for 6+ hours having a great conversation with the right people. Sex is typically say 8-20 min. I mean it can be longer if that's what you are going for. There is rapture in the date and leading up to that point though too. That excitement likely recedes a bit as one moves into a relationship status but then I am sure there is more intimacy. I just got out of work early and am really just thinking about what to do and found myself here again writing. I have 3 days off and I have to think of cool ways to fill up that time. Hopefully, I will continue to meet people like I have been. That seems to keep me happy. For now it is beard obsession and beard oil time.

How important is acceptance?

I remember when I got promoted to the big time. Big accounts, big money. I was kicking ass and thought I was destined to be the President of the company and living in a penthouse in downtown Chicago. My drinking (and mental illness) would lead me to psych wards, not knowing how to not drink, not knowing how to live life sober, losing my job, and my kidney was in really bad shape. I did not know what was better: drinking again or killing myself. Now a days I live under the ideas of what is good enough? What is the right size for me. If I am a large why would I try to wear 2xl gloves? If I have a normal sized penis why would I try to wear trojans? The universe made me and I have to come to terms with it. I have to accept it. The purple box of Durex work just fine. Porn has messed with a lot of males I am sure because I used to worry about stuff like that. Sometimes I have came to fast. Sometimes I have been too drunk and not kept up a healthy erection. That's a bummer. Then you need a good blow job, the right angle, and unfortunately you just have to hammer it out a bit. Not too enjoyable for the woman most likely. Luckily, I like going down either before or after or whenever really.

I have sex on the brain again. All these crazy ass newcomers at the meetings and some of these women have their breasts out. I have to have acceptance that it is crazy to think I am going to spend time with all of them or sleep with all of them. I don't even want to do that really. I just hope they get better. They are surely batshit crazy which maybe adds to the allure but to get entangled in a situation like that is nuts. On the other hand I really do want to help. It is hard to know when and where feelings will develop. Most of the time it just works itself out and we become friends.

Acceptance that my life is finite and I will die. Maybe my current situation is the right size for me right now but the issue is that I do want a better job, I do want an apartment, and I want some semblance of a dating life but I suppose most important is just meeting people and socializing which is what I have been doing an ok job at. It is a beautiful day though and I am hungry so time to grab some lunch and play golf!

Sometimes I just want the breasts free. She wants the breasts free. You want the breasts free. We all want the breasts free.

They is a part in Martin Amis's book "Money" where the main character is overwhelmed. He has to go see one of the stars of the movie he is involved in. She is a very strong Italian woman with large breasts. The main character ends up crying into her bosom as the most comfort he's had since childhood.

Why are breasts so aesthetically pleasing?

I realize it is more about character and personality... I like many women. Many shapes and sizes.

God damn it, what am I writing about again?

I don't like the hard cream pomade I bought. The beard oil is good though. Man, I am self obsessed. No one gives a shit. I guess I will catch some lunch and get some more stuff to goodwill. Minimalism for the win. Although I could turn into a fashionista at any moment and fill up the closet with new stuff. I am going to fashionista meetings filled with crazy newcomers. That is going to be my new social circle.

The new social circle: recently sober, crazy, immature 20 somethings. There are some diamonds in the rough though. It is so much easier if you know someone that knows someone, etc. and I can get introductions. It is kind of funny that I find one of the guys I met last night at dinner already is a creep. He lied to me at dinner and is creeping on newcomer girls. That is like less than 2 hours of interaction of high scummy behavior. What do I expect with the sort of company I am keeping. It's better than nothing to be honest. I chatted with some 50ish year old guy with Parkinson's for a couple of hours and he was by far the most interesting guy in the bunch.