Experience and reflection

You seem super directionless. What stops you from setting a life goal and working toward it?

I think Jordan Peterson has it partly right that we should seek out responsibility. I think it is important to be careful of it becoming a burden. At the base of it all is we need "meaning" whatever that means. I realize for the most part I just need connection. I just spent a few days in my old stomping grounds and it was literally first thing in the morning to into the early morning of just hanging out with old friends. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. I don't really believe in life goals. Something I always see myself doing is helping suffering alcoholics. Maybe taking care of some rescue pets. Really just being helpful and useful in anyway I can.

I see ambition as a positive trait but I just don't really have much of it now. I am not in it. There are few zones that I achieve these days which is a problem but I am still in the corner of not knowing what I want to do. If I want to dance with the pretty girl I am going to have to ask. If I want a kiss I am going to have to go 90%. If I want sex I have to make her wet. If I like her it would be nice to have some blueberry pancakes with real maple syrup from Vermont. She can leave early too if she wants. We are all adults here.

It's all about sex, security, relationships. The buddhists would have me refrain from everything besides meditation and helping people. They may be onto something. I prefer walks in the forest, coffee shops, AA meetings, diners and conversation. Deadlifts and Indian food. Sincere hugs.

I need to create that sort of life where I am now. It is possible. It may take time. That or find a job in Pittsburgh. If I had a good job offer I would be there in a second.

I see I see. I kind of get it.

I obviously care about sex, security, and relationships but these are what all my resentments and fears stem from. It is not good for me to get self obsessed and discontented over these things. Many times I strive to take a more buddhist approach to these things. Sex can cause problems and is not needed. There is no such thing as long term security. We are all in a state of groundlessness. I do feel that people are extremely important and that I need human connection or else I will be miserable and go out and drink again. I would strive for direction except I don't know which way to go so I just go the way I think is best. I realize that money and jobs are a needed aspect of this but I struggle. I don't know how far I should take the Buddhism. I want sex, money, and friends and a certain level of status. I want to be liked within a tribe. Respected within a tribe. I don't really want to beg for food and meditate all day. I realize it is in my best interests to take on more responsibility but already with working not even a full 40 hours a week it is a burden on my ability to meet people. So, I do need more direction in my life but I don't think it is going to be about becoming a CEO, making six figures, or buying a big house in a gated community. I used to make low six figures and it was real nice especially as a 20 something but I don't think I need that. A decent apartment in a cool area, some money for dating, maybe some traveling. I want to make sure not to end up on a lower rung of a social sphere. There was a time I was trying to live a Chicago life on $70,000 and it was not doable so I lived way out in Indiana and it was kind of a mess. As I said I would love to live in Pittsburgh. I have a tribe out there and it is wonderful.

I feel like reflecting a little bit on the weekend. My nephew had a 1 year birthday party. It was a costume party. One of my sister in laws friends showed up. At my brother's wedding she asked me to go to a bar afterwards just the two of us... I was a bit scared and told her I was going to hang out with my family that I haven't seen in a while. While it was nice to hang out with my family it was kind of a bone head play. She is gorgeous. Anyways, we see each other on occasion and it is always a little weird. Some parts awkward and some part sexual tension. She looked amazing at the party and it kind of took me aback. I don't know if she wants anything to do with me at this point nor does it really matter because I see her less than once a year. I just get to fantasizing why the hell didn't I have sex with her that night or just she would be cool to date if we lived in the same city. The sexual tension is there and we have a lot in common.

After that we celebrated my sister's birthday. She likes hanging out with the gays so that's what we did. Her friends were pretty funny. We were playing a drinking game and "never have I ever.." came up. Her best friend just goes: "Everyone look at the fingers! Never have I ever been fucked in the ass!" and puts his finger down. I looked at the only viable straight woman and wouldn't you know she put her finger down. She also put her finger down for "Never have I ever had sex in the back of a pick up" and Tony, my sister's best friend, refereed to her as slut bag multiple times. It turns out my younger sister put her finger down too and her and my brother-in-law were feeling the awkwardness. I don't really give a fuck. If that's what they want to do good for them. Anyways, we go off to a club. My other brother-in-law J tells me I have to protect my butt and I couldn't really hear him well and didn't understand but then as I walk through the club I was like "Yup, definitely a gay club." I had only been in one one time previous and people were not wearing halloween costumes. A lot could be said about the particular gay club we were in but it was pretty much a bunch of gay men just attempting to have a good time. I like a lot of gay music so that was cool. I mostly just stood on the wall talking to my brother-in-law and my sisters sipping on a perrier. It is weird sipping on waters. I used to have no qualms about going on alcohol ivs sipping down endless drinks but I would just drink the water really slowly. Sometimes it felt weird being in a gay club as a straight alcoholic in recovery but I am glad I went. It was extra time to catch up and have fun with my sisters and bros-in-law. I enjoyed their gay friends company. It's not like I was really going to hook up with the slut bag. She was first and foremost a fag hag on a night like that. It seems like a gay club is more or less a protective place for a woman. A sacred sanctuary. I caught a woman staring at me pretty hard and I just thought: no, not here, not now.

After a 14 hour car ride I am back in Charleston. I don't feel that motivated to do anything besides maybe taking the dog for a walk on the beach. I'll get to cleaning some clothes and getting back to the swing of things. I was so motivated to get back into training after doing deadlifts and kettlebell swings in a basement gym with a great friend listening to Rage Against the Machine but now I don't know. I would like to get in better shape. That's one thing about the gay club. Everyone was in like phenomenal shape. I don't know if it is as important to please women. Security and status is of course the most important. That's one of the reasons I think I should go more Buddhist. I'll meet crazy Buddhist women that don't care about tons of money or certain status levels. It is similar with AA: The odds are good but the goods are odd. I always make excuses. I want to start from a stronger starting point but I always make excuses. I live with my parents. I am overweight. I wish I had a better job.

try to measure things relatively.

Compare yourself to people with similar starting points as you in life, that is how I overcame my feelings of inadequacy.

I don't think that is the worst way to go. Honestly lacking in something is still lacking. I am not that overweight so probably not to the point of inadequacy in dating situations but living with my parents and not having free time at night or the freedom to buy dinners or do fun things due to my job is definitely inadequate. My brother probably had the most similar starting point to me in life and now is doing very well for himself. I am lacking in all the things on paper. He has a PhD in Physics and makes shitloads in Data Science, has the big house, has a wife, and has a kid. I would eventually like a life partner but all those other things are great for him but not for me. Well, I would love a PhD in Physics and a Data Science job but I don't do anything to get there. I am not comparing myself to trust fund kids and bonafide geniuses. My brother might even qualify as a genius in math and physics. My one sister is happily going to school and working as a therapist. She is married to a real cool guy and they live in a cool continuously renovated place. That is more my speed. My other sister is a Doctor of Audiology and rents a nice place with her husband. So, if I only cared about the material I would feel pretty shitty with this little comparing exercise. They all have great jobs, great places to live, and are married. None of them are alcoholics or bipolar I. It can be interesting how the tides turn. I was once traveling around the world making great income through poker. The way that all ended up definitely came back to bite me. My college degree seems to come back to bite me.

I think what is most important to me here is that many times feelings of inadequacy are real. It is a problem if the feelings of inadequacy are not based in truth but if they are it is like ok let's work on this. It is a Sartre idea. What we have now is the existing. Where we are inadequate is the lacking. The ideal is the lacked. Many times the ideal is not realistic which is a problem. I remember when I was really into bodybuilding (and Sartre) and I decided that the lacked would be Brad Pitt in Troy or I even took it a step further and said the lacked would be Adonis sculpted by Rodin. I do not have Brad Pitt genetics and I certainly can not achieve something sculpted by a master. It was unrealistic. I could still do my best. The difference between the current existing and the ground I can make up can be tremendous but it won't be the lacked but it very well may be good enough. That is what I go for a lot these days. Good enough.

On October 25 2017 16:16 RiKD wrote: Well, I would love a PhD in Physics and a Data Science job but I don't do anything to get there.

Do you actually have a (more-than-casual) interest in physics or data science, or do you just like the idea of yourself having a Physics PhD+Data Science job because it signifies a certain level of intelligence/success/etc.?

I enjoyed AP Physics in high school and was good at it. I did not enjoy it enough to consider it as something that I was going to do for my degree or professionally. The same can be said for data science. I never really got into it. I never really got past Python. I like the idea of me making low six figures relatively easily. I am sure my brother envied me somewhat when I was in this position with poker and now I envy him. It is all quite easy for him. He still has to put in a certain amount of hours in a week but it is not terribly stressful. I think it can still be a bit challenging and stimulating at times. It is a soft envy. I love my brother and I am happy for him. I don't really give too much shits about signifying a certain level of intelligence/success. Show me the money but more so show me the money with some stimulation and without too much stress. I think if someone talks to me for a while they will realize I am not stupid. It is not like I had any control over that really. I was born with an iq, my parents took care of me pretty well, I went to pretty good schooling, and I have a curiosity for reading and learning. I'd rather just be some guy than someone labelled as smart or getting into an intelligence thing and for the most part I really am just some guy with a higher than average iq that is fairly well read. It is nothing special at all. I am not special. I sort of just made it an intelligence thing. I love going down to the coffee shop to have some conversations. This does not make me an intellectual but I hope it does not make me a pseudo-intellectual. I don't need to be a part of the word intellectual. I am just trying to live.

The success piece I really think a part of me only wants success so I can live an awesome life and fuck attractive women. That is a bit at odds with the Buddhism portion of my brain. That portion tells me to relax and meditate. Every problem I have just relax and meditate. I do want status. I do want to be the leader of a tribe or at least a part of a cool tribe. The tribe has to agree that I am a pretty awesome person that is worthy of fucking attractive women. The women see this and oblige. I have been touching on that stuff a lot recently.

There are so many different versions of success. We should be talking about that! I was never one to be a lawyer because that is what would make me successful. What has to be understood though is there are many portions of society that thinks just that. So far in my 33 years I have found that peace has got to be a huge marker of success. Peace, contentment, serenity. That is a tough phase to enter in this world of suffering.

So, in conclusion, no I don't think it has to do with signifying intelligence, success, or anything. I just want to make low six figures in my pajamas again like my brother is currently doing relatively easily.

What do your sibling and peers think of your situation?

What did you think of your siblings while you were high on poker success?

I think my siblings want more for me. There is not really a whole lot they can do. It is the same with peers. I think some peers are wondering what the fuck I am doing with my life. I am selling myself short but until I have a better idea of what I want to be doing I can't really achieve what I am capable of. I think a fair amount of peers from AA are just happy I am not drinking and for the most part not too discontented. I am told to be spiritual. The spiritual side of me tells me to be accepting of my life. To find peace and serenity with my life the way it is. So, I am at odds with all of that. A better job on day shift would likely improve my life quite a bit. A group of local friends like I had in Pittsburgh would definitely improve my life. A decent enough apartment. I will just keep it to those 3 things but I can do my best to accept my current life because that is what my life is right now but I hope it does not hinder me from having the 3 things I just listed in my life.

My brother I thought what is he doing making no money in college? Why won't he play poker? But, I didn't really want to tinker too much as at the time he seemed to really enjoy Physics and a PhD in a science like that is pretty valuable.

My sister I wanted her to try and go pro in voice. She has an amazing voice but never really had the go getting gene. She eventually made a go at it but I suspect it was a bit too late. She hated LA and had an idiot boyfriend with her. I suspect she was mostly smoking weed and doing coke. She found some decent producers and put some stuff together but none of it was that great. I am glad she found her way. She will be a great therapist.

I think my youngest sister was still in high school. She always got really good grades and was just naturally a really bubbly good person.

I really love my siblings. I always just wanted the best for them. I am happy they are all doing very well now.

I'm not sure what you mean by 'getting past' Python? There are plenty of highly-experienced/skilled programmers who use Python as their primary language and it has some very good data/machine learning libraries. Just because it's one of the more commonly used languages for teaching programming doesn't mean its a language to be gotten past (if this isn't what you meant then feel free to ignore this).

On October 26 2017 00:36 RiKD wrote: The success piece I really think a part of me only wants success so I can live an awesome life and fuck attractive women. That is a bit at odds with the Buddhism portion of my brain. That portion tells me to relax and meditate. Every problem I have just relax and meditate. I do want status. I do want to be the leader of a tribe or at least a part of a cool tribe. The tribe has to agree that I am a pretty awesome person that is worthy of fucking attractive women. The women see this and oblige. I have been touching on that stuff a lot recently. [...] So, in conclusion, no I don't think it has to do with signifying intelligence, success, or anything. I just want to make low six figures in my pajamas again like my brother is currently doing relatively easily.

I would argue the two parts I bolded contradict each other.

Easy and high-paying together is a tough one unless you happen to be like top 1% in some in-demand skill. One of the reasons I asked about your level of interest is because a lot of 'data science' work involves pretty mundane and tedious stuff like actually finding good data, cleaning the data, etc. which might be difficult to reconcile with your 'keeps me stimulated' requirement. As you advance you might be able to bypass some of the redundant aspects eventually, but you can't really avoid them altogether.

Can't remember if this has been suggested yet but have you considered sales? I know it goes against (what seems to be) your nature, but it's something certain people just have a knack for and has a high upside. If you can find some product you genuinely believe in and think others would benefit from, it could be stimulating as well.

"I really love my siblings. I always just wanted the best for them. I am happy they are all doing very well now."

This part doesnt feel completely truthful based on what I've read.. But it doesnt matter, sibling rivalry and resentment as a result is probably super common.

From what I've read you just seem very lazy due to a fear of failure, probably also very common..

My advice is still the same, pick something and get good at it.

On October 26 2017 21:34 bigredhoss wrote: [QUOTE]On October 26 2017 00:36 RiKD wrote: The success piece I really think a part of me only wants success so I can live an awesome life and fuck attractive women. That is a bit at odds with the Buddhism portion of my brain. That portion tells me to relax and meditate. Every problem I have just relax and meditate. I do want status. I do want to be the leader of a tribe or at least a part of a cool tribe. The tribe has to agree that I am a pretty awesome person that is worthy of fucking attractive women. The women see this and oblige. I have been touching on that stuff a lot recently. [...] So, in conclusion, no I don't think it has to do with signifying intelligence, success, or anything. I just want to make low six figures in my pajamas again like my brother is currently doing relatively easily. I would argue the two parts I bolded contradict each other.

They do. It is a contradiction in my life. There are moments where I don't need status or simply enough status to have some good friends and a decent life. There are other moments when I crave more. It is typically women driven and sometimes I fall back into consumer habits. I don't have a lot of time to write so I will just leave it there.

Easy and high-paying together is a tough one unless you happen to be like top 1% in some in-demand skill. One of the reasons I asked about your level of interest is because a lot of 'data science' work involves pretty mundane and tedious stuff like actually finding good data, cleaning the data, etc. which might be difficult to reconcile with your 'keeps me stimulated' requirement. As you advance you might be able to bypass some of the redundant aspects eventually, but you can't really avoid them altogether. Can't remember if this has been suggested yet but have you considered sales? I know it goes against (what seems to be) your nature, but it's something certain people just have a knack for and has a high upside. If you can find some product you genuinely believe in and think others would benefit from, it could be stimulating as well.

My last "proper" job was in sales. I ran into some corruption which was pretty difficult to deal with but other than that it was a pretty good job.

On October 27 2017 02:13 wobbly_au wrote: "I really love my siblings. I always just wanted the best for them. I am happy they are all doing very well now." This part doesnt feel completely truthful based on what I've read.. But it doesnt matter, sibling rivalry and resentment as a result is probably super common. From what I've read you just seem very lazy due to a fear of failure, probably also very common.. My advice is still the same, pick something and get good at it.

I am happy they are all doing very well now. Envy is not quite the word. There is no resentment or bitterness. I don't feel wronged but I do long for more money and contentment. Who really knows if my siblings are more content but from the outside looking in they have pretty great lives.

"Very lazy due to a fear of failure" is probably about right. I have been seeking out ways to overcome this. I don't think I have really been doing a good job.

Yeah, that's what it boils down to. Pick something and get good at it. That's what it always boils down to.

Loco pointed this out to me before but I had a thought about it today that could go a little deeper. I have some ideas that are at odds with each other. Primarily, the idea of status within social spheres vs Buddhism and then there is some Sartre about being free and autonomous and authenticity and a host of other stuff. There is also AA stuff ingrained in there about taking personal inventories, meditating and helping others. So, the social strivers and the Sartre can go hand in hand and the Buddhism and AA can go hand in hand. The buddhists would just have me meditate while the status people want me climbing social hierarchies. I always had this ideal in my mind that I would have sex with a lot of attractive women. I slept with some attractive women and was like ok. Most were pretty good in bed too but it certainly wasn't the holy grail. I think it is true in that if you want to sleep with a lot of attractive women you have to be chosen within a social sphere. I think it is ingrained in me that that should be some sort of worthwhile goal. I have dated a number of women since and have realized the je ne sais quoi factor is extremely important. Beauty comes in many forms and we are dealing with a human woman here not an object for my pleasure. Sometimes an object for my pleasure. More like 2 essences getting lost to the beat of a carnal drum.

I think it could really boil down to self esteem. Does Buddhism bring self esteem through the truth? That we are all meat vessels that suffer? I don't have to believe in all or any of this stuff really. It is all compelling. It is at odds. Where is the leak? I think AA maybe making me too meek. I am not sure if Buddhism is helping me or holding me back. Sartre stuff and Nietzsche stuff too I think can lead to selfishness. That maybe an oversimplification. Sartre's "Being and Nothingness" is one of my favorite books. The social sphere stuff maybe just leading to more suffering. It seems weird to force. It is kind of like pick something and get good at it. Get good at something a social sphere values and there you go. It should not be forced. I think at the end of the day I am in some wild rapids trying to grasp at something before I die. That is what is going to happen. I am going to die. What's the difference if I am blotting out the consciousness with work... My days in Pittsburgh socializing with friends were much more easy going and enjoyable. Who cares if I live with my parents and haven't had a date in over 6 months? Well, I think I do. Should I care? Should I run to my Buddhism and my AA to cope? Get real with the social hierarchy and Sartre? I mean Buddhism is getting real too. AA in some aspects beyond baby Jesus and prayer. I think that is how my mind has come to work. Cycling through all of these things in hopes of finding what is true.

Should I push for a version of Christian Grey or bury myself in meditation and the writings of Pema Chodron?

I am free to do whatever I want (within reason). I think just as long as I am honest. At work I make the Italian dressing with out thyme because I don't like to pull all the tiny leaves off the delicate sprigs. I will probably do the same today. That may carry over into other parts of my life.

I got a new body wash today and it smells great. I don't think it will change my life or anything but why not smell good?

I can reject society or I can figure out how to co-exist and even thrive. Why not thrive? We only get one brief existence. We will still have to deal with the tedious and suffering but I hope that I can deal with a smile and a laugh.

Sometimes I wonder how much I am still seduced by consumerist society. I get drawn into having a great beard, having a great haircut, the shampoo, the conditioner, the pomade, the beard oil, the beard comb, I always want more tattoos. No matter what I do it is like I always find myself caught up in vanity. Earlier this year I went 7 months with out sex or masturbation. Giving the practice of refraining a try. I think healthy dating is probably better for me. I think so many people want to see me with a good girlfriend or a wife it is re-assuring. Man, I just know if I ride the vanity, self-obsessed train I am headed for suffering. It's all suffering. I really just don't want to end up drunk or on drugs. Which is why I need some aspects of AA. I could go in circles all day and I am actually really tired I just thought it might be a good time to get some further thoughts down.

I think it is good for me to ruminate on things from time to time. It kind of goes with what has been discussed in the ROFL thread and Truth thread. Are consumers seducing us all or are they just giving us what we want? I don't know if I worded that question exactly how I wanted to word it. I want to feel cool and attractive around just about everyone. Do I need the haircut, clothes, shoes... I mean we have been through this before. What happens if I just buzz my hair, trim my beard like once a week, rarely shampoo, use the most basic soap, wear the simplest of clothes, eat soups, meditate and not have sex or masturbate for 7 months. I did that. I don't think it is the peak of living what what does the peak of living even mean? I want my heart rate to flutter a bit. I want mystery. It's pretty clear I want to date again. At the same time I don't want to morph into some self-obsessed, fussy fashionista that is obsessed with their social standing. That would suck.

I am trying to find the perfect way to live imperfectly.

It is not reasonable to be Adonis sculpted by Rodin or a billionaire. The lacked is simply an indicator. My life is not and will not be perfect. I will not always feel well.

Do men biologically want fancy shampoos, conditioners, soaps, face wash, razors, shaving cream, after shave, moisturizers, pomades, fast cars, tailored suits....

I keep my keys on a key chain that I attach to my belt loop. I want to get a piece of art for my key chain. I never wanted that until I saw it in a magazine. Then and now I think wow that is pretty cool.

I am taking myself and life too seriously in some regards and not serious enough in others. I guess I'll listen to some Tribe (Called Quest) and get to an AA meeting I happen to enjoy.

Well, I made a commitment. I am growing my beard out for the month of November to see what happens. I am already probably at 1 month growth. The beard oil is on the way. The things I do to forget that I am going to die. I think it is wise to partake in some of it. It is all about self awareness and truth no? Well, I like getting into beard care and repressing fears of death. The days I am out socializing I don't typically worry about death or post on this damn site. It is a surrogate. Evil. No. I have no real opinion on the site besides a lot of nostalgia and now former poker players and wannabe poker players and even some current poker players can argue about LGBT issues, political issues, bitcoin, STARCRAFT, UFC, whatever and I can sit here and post endless little posts or long posts in a row because I want to unwind a little bit before bed and I just bought some beard oil and I am excited.

So, I am growing out my hair to get a cool haircut and put a bunch of product in it and I am growing out my beard to put a bunch of product in it BUT I am going for more rounds at the Goodwill. Gotta minimize the clothes. More vanity in the areas of hair, beard, tattoos. Less clothes with a caveat that I may buy new clothes. My expenses last month were double what they were the month before which isn't too surprising because the month before I did absolutely nothing and ate at work and $5-10 stuff and last month I travelled for a week. I can see it seeping into this month though with more consumption. It just seems to happen no? I just have to tone it back down and I won't go broke. Man, in some moments my existence feels absolutely miserable if I start comparing it to what I want it to be. That is not even real though. Living in fantasy, the future, the past is bollocks. The present moment is what matters. I am just sitting pretty calmly typing on the computer my thoughts as they arise. There is no pain. I know I will die but it is like I can grasp this fact. I am living with my parents but who cares? My mom is downstairs watching some shitty tv show but I love her. We went out ot lunch yesterday and it was a lot of fun. The food was exceptional. Husk is my favorite restaurant in Charleston so far and one of my favorite restaurants that I have been to in the world. Sometimes it feels a little weird that I can casually have lunch at Husk when I barely have money. My parents have a lot of money. $100 for a meal for two is not really a big deal but not something they want to do too often. That amount would not have even registered as anything back when I was playing poker but it is interesting because my dad makes more money now consulting than I ever did playing poker. I did not really have any ingrained expenses then though. I don't really have too much now. Health insurance is a bitch. I don't even pay rent lolz. I don't even really know how the people where I work pay rent. Many work two jobs that sounds miserable. I want it Denmark style. 30 hour work weeks. $20/hr min wage. I really have no idea what the cost of living is like in say Copenhagen though. I was talking with another chef last night. He worked at a Michelin 3 star restaurant in New York City and said it was 15 hours a day of living in fear. This is getting a bit long though so I can end it here, cut my nails, I kind of want to have a wank but it is not really an option. I'll probably just read a bit and get to sleep. Goodnight LP.

Life is complicated. I was out the other night with some younger recovering alcoholics and addicts. Many of them in their phones constantly. In this case I think the buddhists and others have it right. Let's refrain from the screens and have some conversations. What are we all doing here? Refraining from any fidgeting is the real challenge. I don't think it's possible.

How I ended up at that dinner? My home group was cancelled and the only meeting at 7pm was a gay AA meeting. My lesbian friend told me I should go to LGBT meetings in the city because there will be more open minded younger people. Just say I am an ally. I still actually was a bit nervous. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable around gay guys especially if there is a lot of them. I think I am getting better hence why I went to the meeting. I credit my sisters and their gay friends for that and I had a close gay friend I was giving rides to a lot a couple of years ago. I don't know if I go to this meeting if I didn't have a not horrible time at a gay club a couple of weeks ago. It was more interesting than fun and my sister's friends are cool. Anyways, the meeting goes well and one of the guys invites me out to dinner. I should back up though. I walk into the meeting and they are talking about making a sex swing out of yarn. I sit off in the corner just quiet. At that time it seems like everyone in the meeting is gay. By the time I go out to dinner it seems like I am eating dinner with all straight guys. The guy I gave a ride to dinner was talking about his girlfriend. Not that I really care. They can be straight, gay, bi, lesbian, trans whatever. There were quite a lot of attractive women in the room. Maybe tarnish my reputation a bit and dog it up in there. I don't really have that in my toolkit. My play is to just slowly make friends with everyone and not have any sex, go manic and then do something stupid and end up in the psych ward.

I have a handful or maybe more of lesbian and bi female friends. I seem to get along really well with them. I only really have 1 close gay male friend that I can think of. No trans friends. I had 1 that I would have some conversations with but she moved.

I don't want to be self-delusional. I don't want to be in a bad space either. This whole vanity project I am on may last for a bit. My stints at bodybuilding were a helluva time. I am either going back to pumping iron or jiu jitsu. At least the exercising is a panacea of health and feeling good. I want to get back to some deadlifts and kettlebell swings. Weighted pull ups ohhhhhh yeaaaahhhhh! Plan out my next tattoo. BEARD OIL. I haven't shampooed in like 5 days and my hair looks great. Natural oils. It feels good too. VANITY. Embrace it. I am not really one to root for these areas confined by imaginary lines whether that is local sports teams or the olympics or wars. USA! USA! USA! In my days I have seen the trials and tribulations of money. It's nice to have it. A certain amount of it. Hopefully, acquiring it by doing something not so bad to spend time doing. It's weird that it becomes God for some people. I have to hang out with some friends or family. I think that's self-delusional. Maybe it helps me forget I will die. That I am an organic pain collector racing toward oblivion. It is so easy to go round and round on these things. In writing this I am 15 min. closer to death. So, why am I doing it? What if it reduces stress and I add 1 min. to my life? I could just sit and breathe. I could go out and stare at the stars. I could drive around in my car listening to podcasts, I could go out to a movie theatre and watch a probable bad movie. Thinking about life and death and how to live life and contemplating it for some reason makes life better for me. It is interesting to me to constantly monitor and constantly try things out. I was listening to a podcast today that this guy would repeatedly get his nipples pierced because he loved the experience and the following endorphins. It got me thinking "shit, let's go get my nipples pierced!" They were talking about tattoos also which I love. There is an excitement and then a calm and like a very smooth burn of endorphins that comes with getting tattooed. It can also be a bit of a bad ass therapy session. The guy that did most of my tattoos and myself would get into some deep conversations. That's like some of the highlights of my life. There are a lot though. To think I had 3 days in Pittsburgh of virtual bliss. I have had some great experience being back in Charleston by simply saying "yes" or doing things I don't ordinarily do. Work is work. I am getting an income to live some semblance of a life. Yeah, I live with my parents but I think that is just the way it has got to be for now. Well, I have been writing for a while now so I think I will stop.

You should arrange one of these. (I just learned about it today, pretty cool huh?)

I don't really have the connections yet. Of course, that is an excuse. I am a child. I need someone else to do it for me. Wahhhh. I would say let's start one on here but that is one thing that would do sooo much better in person. What a great idea. Cake and tea and discussing death and how to live our finite lives. The first one in the USA is where my brother and sister live and where I went to school. I will really have to figure out a way to make this work. I think there are so many cool people that would be down for this. I would almost want to know at least 3 people there. I don't know if I am the best to market it. I just don't know enough people yet. Maybe start it as a meetup.com group.

I know I should not live in fantasy but I want an older woman to seduce me and teach me BDSM. I could probably find one if I searched online well enough but that seems pretty sketchy.

Hopes, desires, fantasies. Hope is an interesting word. Everyone says we need it but it is really an expectation which many times can be unreasonable but it can keep us going. In my darkest times hope may be the thing that got me through? Maybe it is more so reasonable expectations that are the bread and butter of keeping us going. Do we need hope?

I don't see why I need BDSM to get outside myself. I am sure it would work for a fleeting amount of time. It is not about using experiences as drugs or highs. Although everything could be looked at in that way. A Death Cafe conversation could be a slow burning, stimulating high. Any authentic, honest connection with people is some level a high for the brain and the soul. I would even say many times it is not as fleeting as thoughts, understandings can stay with people for a time.

I don't understand the comic. Why would thinking of yourself as an organic pain collector make you any less happy? I actually find it kind of interesting, to try and figure out what the world is like or what a scientific picture of the world is and what humans are. The results are always interesting and doing things that are interesting is one source of happiness for me.

Thinking about all the bad aspects of life is not very fruitful. There may be some hard truths involved that allow us to live a better, more authentic finite life here on earth but I have found it is not good for me to dwell. So, obviously there is not any meaning of life but worse it can be difficult to find or sustain any sort of meanings here on earth. The universe doesn't give a shit about us. We are insignificant. Terrestrially, we can find some things that we could call meaning. Helping out someone in need, rescuing a pet, creating a work of art are just a few. There is also quality of life. I have to focus on deriving quality out of my days. I need an income. Hopefully, it won't be too disagreeable. I will likely be spending most of my waking hours doing this thing so I better like it or it better provide me with some money or time to do other stuff. Connection with people is something that is really important to me outside of work (and inside of work), exercise, reading but mostly connection. I could spend hours on a porch, patio, coffee shop, diner, someone's home just shooting the breeze. I just realized I may be slightly getting off topic but I don't think so. For me it is not about the science of life as maybe that has just become a part of me and I have lived through some bad nihilistic times because of it but I have realized I have to focus on the good aspects of life and manage it in a way so that it is less bad.

On November 04 2017 01:55 Stroggoz wrote: I don't understand the comic. Why would thinking of yourself as an organic pain collector make you any less happy? I actually find it kind of interesting, to try and figure out what the world is like or what a scientific picture of the world is and what humans are. The results are always interesting and doing things that are interesting is one source of happiness for me.

It's a comic, not a philosophical argument. I just thought it was funny since I bring up self-deception regularly. I actually agree with you about knowledge but you have to understand that acquiring knowledge is patently not enough to make life worth living for most people. I mean, come on, you got a degree in philosophy. How many people actually bother with that? Of course a comic will generalize but the point that self-deception is at the center of human life definitely stands true. Knowledge for the sake of knowledge doesn't inspire people. And even for us who do find meaning through it -- perhaps principally and above everything else -- we still have a pain threshold that if we went over we would prefer non-existence over such a life. Life's only really interesting if you're healthy enough to be able to pursue what you want, and our health is somewhat out of our control.

the more i think about that comic, it seems like a paradox to me. The key to alot of unhappiness is self delusion. People believe in religion or fight wars largely because of self deception. They think their nation is superior to others or that their religion is true and others have a false religion. But then for those same people, their own happiness is propped up by self deception. If they think their kid wont die and rot into the ground but go to an afterlife, they will be happier.

yeah anyway i realize its not an argument and its funny, but i like to analyze these things and ask whether they are true or not, even if it's not intended as a serious argument.

I don't think it's a paradox. It's a play on ironic process theory and terror management theory, imo. A slightly more informed "ignorance is bliss" cartoon.

Ignorance is bliss. Who wishes to be blue pilled? The science of it all. Knowledge for the sake of knowledge. I do enjoy stimulating science and philosophy. I don't know if that is the end all be all. I know I would certainly be spending a lot of time in the library and in my cell reading if I were in prison. I would also be having conversations with people. In a way I am in a prison. I am a slave to money and then I die. I come into contact with a lot of God's will type of people in AA. I don't believe these people are truly blue pilled. Some of them might be but it just appears as if there is an even greater looming terror behind the levels and levels of delusion. I have seen some strange tells in instances when certain truths can not be denied. There is fear there even if they would never admit it. How could there not be? Any sort of inkling that God does not have their back or that there is not a heaven would be terrifying.

I think if I was paraplegic I could adjust and still live a decent enough life. Some cancers would be tough. The guy who could only communicate by blinking would be really tough. I am sure there are countless cases where living would be difficult. Pursuing what one wants is a major aspect of life being interesting. I do agree. What is also interesting is that we do not always know what we want and sometimes things are great for some time period and then lose their luster. I suppose that is all part of life. I am getting older by the second. Many older friends have told me time speeds up as you age. The fact that life is finite makes me want to hurry up but hurry up and do what? I would love to go to Tokyo but do I really have to go to Tokyo? Will my life be that much better or worse if I never make it there? I will remember experiences but I will cherish the relationships. I still think back to asados I had in South America, beach parties in Malta, cookouts in Vegas, vacations to New Hampshire/Maine.

Am I ever going to get it together? No, probably not. That does not mean I can not be doing pretty well for myself. I think really what I want to experience is love. I have felt it before but not with a partner. That comes to the forefront a lot. That could be some aspect of quality of life. Not necessarily a meaning but a magical part of existence. Maybe not though. It is possible I am a celibate bachelor for the remainder of my life. Seems silly to get caught up in that too much. Date if I want to date. Don't if I don't.

We are all in the same boat. Everyone else in my family is on that get married, buy a house, have a kid route. The fact that I have been depressed and suicidal this year maybe they are on to something but I don't even contemplate that route whatsoever. I have been over this before too. I am a girlfriend, rented apartment, FREEDOM kind of guy. Not to say I can really claim I would be so free in those circumstances just that I would be free of babies. I don't mind taking care of my nephews for a few hours but that is about it. All that suffering over the course of it's life and for what? VANITY. VANITY. Oh, how we love vanity. My beard oil came in the mail today and I am just so pleased to try it out. How will my beard look? How will it feel? Oh, great VANITY. How we love you so. It's something to do. I don't even think barely any women like beards. A part of me feels cool when guys compliment my beard. Is that what I am doing it all for? TO BE A MAN. A MANLY MAN. A VAIN MAN. VANITY!

Alright, I have written enough. I need to go to sleep.

Guys, if I start blow drying my beard help me please.

just glanced at the blog section out the corner of my eye and read this title as "experience an erection" despite making multiple posts here.

Hahaha. Not too far off really. A lot of my drivel boils down to the desire to experience erections and the fun, the closeness (it could really be a lot of things here) that lead up to la petit mort and relief. Only fleeting. You can take a shower, you can cuddle, you can make eggs benedict. Man, actually, when I was getting high I would just get high all the time and stack fun stuff. Part of me wants to go back to that. Fuck AA let's get high. Marijuana isn't alcohol. I can imagine I would be getting high and want some wine. What's stopping me. Fuck I love wine. I just want to bathe in it. I miss my decanter glasses. Pouring about 3 glasses worth in there and taking a shower when I got home from work all sweaty and dirty and smelling like steel mills. The aroma. The taste. The head change. Ahhhh, the buzz. I could do anything in that area just a bit past buzzed. There was one night I drank 8 bottles of wine and started setting shit on fire in my apartment. I started burning myself. I was seriously going to commit hari kari with a santoku knife from Japan but I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it so I set the blade on fire and branded my arm. I then took a candle and burnt my hand. I told everyone at work I was into BDSM which isn't a lie but obviously misleading and I am not sure if anyone believed me or wished to pry at that point.

I liked candles though. I really got into candles. I would just go through all these super expensive ones. They smelled amazing. I remember I got this cuban cigar one that was great and I would have a bottle or two of wine with dinner and then switch to cognac and start smoking expensive cigars in my apartment. Many nights I would get blindingly drunk and belt out italian opera at 2-3am or so. I never heard anything from my neighbors or the rental people. I don't know what is better. A cigar with bourbon or a cigar with cognac? Probably bourbon. I had this rocking chair where I would just get so drunk on bourobn I probably couldn't stand and just have my cigar listening to some Johnny Cash. I started listening to country. I would walk into bars like John Wayne in flannel shirts, tight jeans, and boots sit down and order a double of tequila. Oh, it was bad. Now I have this whole growing a beard thing. I don't know what that's all about. I am going to try it. I will probably get a nice brush for my beard. I already have the beard oil and am excited to see how it works.

You know, I would rather have some good friends than just vagina all the time. I don't know if that is actually true or what is more reasonable. I can sit for 6+ hours having a great conversation with the right people. Sex is typically say 8-20 min. I mean it can be longer if that's what you are going for. There is rapture in the date and leading up to that point though too. That excitement likely recedes a bit as one moves into a relationship status but then I am sure there is more intimacy. I just got out of work early and am really just thinking about what to do and found myself here again writing. I have 3 days off and I have to think of cool ways to fill up that time. Hopefully, I will continue to meet people like I have been. That seems to keep me happy. For now it is beard obsession and beard oil time.

How important is acceptance?

I remember when I got promoted to the big time. Big accounts, big money. I was kicking ass and thought I was destined to be the President of the company and living in a penthouse in downtown Chicago. My drinking (and mental illness) would lead me to psych wards, not knowing how to not drink, not knowing how to live life sober, losing my job, and my kidney was in really bad shape. I did not know what was better: drinking again or killing myself. Now a days I live under the ideas of what is good enough? What is the right size for me. If I am a large why would I try to wear 2xl gloves? If I have a normal sized penis why would I try to wear trojans? The universe made me and I have to come to terms with it. I have to accept it. The purple box of Durex work just fine. Porn has messed with a lot of males I am sure because I used to worry about stuff like that. Sometimes I have came to fast. Sometimes I have been too drunk and not kept up a healthy erection. That's a bummer. Then you need a good blow job, the right angle, and unfortunately you just have to hammer it out a bit. Not too enjoyable for the woman most likely. Luckily, I like going down either before or after or whenever really.

I have sex on the brain again. All these crazy ass newcomers at the meetings and some of these women have their breasts out. I have to have acceptance that it is crazy to think I am going to spend time with all of them or sleep with all of them. I don't even want to do that really. I just hope they get better. They are surely batshit crazy which maybe adds to the allure but to get entangled in a situation like that is nuts. On the other hand I really do want to help. It is hard to know when and where feelings will develop. Most of the time it just works itself out and we become friends.

Acceptance that my life is finite and I will die. Maybe my current situation is the right size for me right now but the issue is that I do want a better job, I do want an apartment, and I want some semblance of a dating life but I suppose most important is just meeting people and socializing which is what I have been doing an ok job at. It is a beautiful day though and I am hungry so time to grab some lunch and play golf!

Sometimes I just want the breasts free. She wants the breasts free. You want the breasts free. We all want the breasts free.

They is a part in Martin Amis's book "Money" where the main character is overwhelmed. He has to go see one of the stars of the movie he is involved in. She is a very strong Italian woman with large breasts. The main character ends up crying into her bosom as the most comfort he's had since childhood.

Why are breasts so aesthetically pleasing?

I realize it is more about character and personality... I like many women. Many shapes and sizes.

God damn it, what am I writing about again?

I don't like the hard cream pomade I bought. The beard oil is good though. Man, I am self obsessed. No one gives a shit. I guess I will catch some lunch and get some more stuff to goodwill. Minimalism for the win. Although I could turn into a fashionista at any moment and fill up the closet with new stuff. I am going to fashionista meetings filled with crazy newcomers. That is going to be my new social circle.

The new social circle: recently sober, crazy, immature 20 somethings. There are some diamonds in the rough though. It is so much easier if you know someone that knows someone, etc. and I can get introductions. It is kind of funny that I find one of the guys I met last night at dinner already is a creep. He lied to me at dinner and is creeping on newcomer girls. That is like less than 2 hours of interaction of high scummy behavior. What do I expect with the sort of company I am keeping. It's better than nothing to be honest. I chatted with some 50ish year old guy with Parkinson's for a couple of hours and he was by far the most interesting guy in the bunch.