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I am a man yelling into a well

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RiKD    United States. Sep 25 2017 17:39. Posts 4100
I have yet to find a new forum so here is where I am. I am a man that yells into wells. The whole moving forward from my current job is a pretty crucial topic for me but perhaps it is a tired topic on here. Today, I would rather talk about gifted silhouettes holding surfboards on their head and Thai food that creates a little bit of a sweat, a little bit of a flush in the face, certainly a runny nose. In terms of Thai food one has to feel a little bit of pain to experience a smooth burn of pleasure. It is a wonderful sadomasochistic relationship. I get a Thai iced tea for emergency reasons and delicious reasons. Cold cream is the antidote and the aphrodite. Perhaps some mango and sticky rice if the mango is in season.

There seems to be no salida out of the 2nd shift for me so I have to make the best of it. I have been calling people on the telephone a lot. It is not like we can hang out but at least it is good conversation. I suppose this is a surrogate for actually going somewhere and conversing in person but it is currently the best I can do. Just like posting on LP is the best I can do. It is my day off and I suppose it is just something I enjoy doing.

I had a dream last night that I moved to a new place. I had a clean slate to find a new job, new AA meetings, new friends. I was pretty thrilled with it. Like I could take what I did wrong and what has not worked out here and use it in the new place.

I was thinking about my dad. He just spent 2 weeks in China. He doesn't want to fucking be in China for 2 weeks but it is part of his consulting gig. Actually, luckily for him he really enjoys being in the steel mills on the audits but sometimes the hotels are shitty, he is away from his wife, and there is the brutal jet lag. We all want incomes. We all have certain things that can give us a certain uniqueness in the world of commerce. So, my dad goes to China for 2 weeks. So, I work the 2nd shift at a job I don't particularly like doing. I don't think there is anything unique about me that makes me good at prepping food. I think that job could be done by a lot of people hence why it's only $11/hr. It really is just following recipes and cleaning up after yourself. There are some tricks and hacks that can be learned along the way. I need to get back in the zone where there are things that are unique to me that others can not do. A job that not many others can do. A job that I like. The problem is I just don't know if I have any of those types of skills. I would like to think I am gifted in some of the soft skills but who really knows. The hard skills, the stuff on paper, I think I am being honest with myself in that I am lacking in that area for a lot of jobs. It's a problem. It leaves me dwindling and floating from one shitty job to the next. The answer seems to be get more skills. I think I would be a horrible electrician plus I hate it. I need to find something I would be decent at and like it ok but here I go again talking about, well, my life but specifically moving forward which I said I wouldn't talk about but it is clearly on my mind.

So, I was walking on the beach and there was this woman in front of me with a great ass. I was behind her for quite a while finding myself mesmerized by her plump behind. So, I get to my car and I am listening to Caribou's playlist on Spotify and Juvenile's "Back That Ass Up" comes up. I don't know why but that moment made me infinitely happy.

Oh, I saw in another thread on here whaaam! put LP at 10% suicide watch. That is probably referring to my blog. Thankfully, I am in a place where I don't think about suicide much at the moment. I am eeking out a living. I think some of the help on here has contributed. Loco's post on surrogates and others got me thinking about a lot of things. I think it helps that I like my managers and the people I work with so I get some socialization there and I am exercising most days. I am giving people a call instead of watching tv or posting on here. I am getting to the AA meetings I can and want to go to. I am really seemingly doing the best I can. So, that means I could be doing things better but it comes to a point where you just can't expect to be doing everything perfectly.

I think I have gotten to the point in which I want to read some literature rather than write anymore.

Peace.

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wobbly_au   Australia. Sep 25 2017 19:12. Posts 6392

What’s up with the long blogs? What’s the problem in one sentence!?

The Last Laugh. 

RiKD    United States. Sep 25 2017 19:36. Posts 4100

Having a degree in history is pretty brutal. It felt like the right thing to do at the time. Who knows? Maybe it was. I have no idea how to figure that out over my lifetime so far or a lifetime in total.

I don't know exactly what I feel when I visit Linkedin but part of it has to be that I may have not been created for that world and then it causes doubts on whether I was created for this world or any world.

Going to Indeed.com when you don't have anything to put in "Search" is also harrowing.

I have my Monster Rehab Peach Tea though. I went to the gas station to fill up a tire that has a slow leak. Slow enough that I just fill it up about once a week instead of getting a new tire. The air machine was broken. So, I get some Monsters to get cash back on my debit card but the gas station does not do that so I go to the ATM and pay $3.30 to get $20. The air machine was $1.50 before I realized it was broke. I am actually kind of pissed about being out $5 and not having my tires' air filled or even $1.50 in quarters. Luckily, the gas station makes change and I fill my tires. The mundanities of life. This blog could probably be considered that for some. I am honestly just writing thoughts and reveries until I can eat lunch and then go for a walk. I had had enough of the job search. I think part of the reason I rationalize drinking Monsters is I get my vitamin B12. I'd rather drink it up then take a pill under the tongue. I only take vitamin D and vitamin B12 but my diet the past week or so has been virtually pastries for breakfast, pizza, sub sandwiches and burritos for lunch and dinner. I am probably not going to live to 90. Maybe not 80 either. I am a bit overweight and take psych meds. I just feel like I could be on the verge of gaining a lot of weight at any time and the psych meds are like killing my liver and kidnies slowly just like the alcohol did. A lot of cancers are on the table now that I am eating meat again too. Is there liver and kidney cancer or do they just sort of fail? Prostate cancer is always around especially for people like me who eat lomo altropo. Car accidents: I don't drive nearly as reckless as I used to which is a good thing but you never can tell with car accidents. Suicide: I was watching a movie last night where the woman had a bunch of scars on her arms and wrists. Maybe wrist slitting is more of a serious distress call. It makes a pretty loud statement with a bloody mess but it is less certain than a shotgun blast to the face. I have never actually attempted suicide I can just be prone to a lot of suicidal thoughts at times. I have burn scars on my arm that are not that visible. I could definitely see myself getting through life with out suicide. As much as we harp on Jordan Peterson he said something on the most recent Joe Rogan podcast that I thought was pretty good (he has said this elsewhere also). One of his basic principles is that life is tragic. We can do nothing and end up suicidal, resentful, malevolent or we can courageously move forward with honesty saying what we think. If people want to choose suicide that is fine. It is probably better than doing nothing and just existing in a miserable swamp but just moving forward with integrity is the way I choose. Sometimes things get overwhelming and that is life at its toughest but if I tell the truth and have people around me we can get back to some order.

I don't want to get excited about Christian atheists. Some of the bible stories are good stories? Great. Bleh. I don't want to get in a religious mode. Christianity sucks. Islam is worse. Deal with it.

Fuck it. I'm going to eat a sub sandwich.

Peace.


RiKD    United States. Sep 25 2017 19:40. Posts 4100


  On September 25 2017 18:12 wobbly_au wrote:
What’s up with the long blogs? What’s the problem in one sentence!?



I am just a crazy person yelling into a well. I exclaim my thoughts and my reveries. Sometimes someone or something responds or maybe it is my imagination? I respond anyway.


wobbly_au   Australia. Sep 26 2017 01:18. Posts 6392

You should play pubg with friends

The Last Laugh. 

PuertoRican   United States. Sep 26 2017 04:09. Posts 10571


  On September 25 2017 18:36 RiKD wrote:
Having a degree in history is pretty brutal. It felt like the right thing to do at the time. Who knows? Maybe it was. I have no idea how to figure that out over my lifetime so far or a lifetime in total.


A degree in history usually leads to becoming a teacher. Same with an English degree (I have one).


For a quick laugh: http://www.tickld.com/x/37-slogans-fo...-majors-if-they-were-actually-honest-

Rekrul is a newb 

BlizzY   Slovakia. Sep 26 2017 15:01. Posts 754


  On September 25 2017 16:39 RiKD wrote:

I think I have gotten to the point in which I want to read some literature rather than write anymore.

Peace.



Seriously, how haven't you come to this conclusion earlier ? It's so obvious that it's always better idea to read more literature.

For some great neurotic rants I recommend reading some Thomas Bernhard (Correction, Concrete). If you prefer American literature and haven't already read Saul Bellow's Herzog, it's a beautiful and extremely intellectually engaging probe into mind of developing psychosis.

Forgot to add Knut Hamsun (Hunger, Mysteries) for some of the best depiction of craziness in literature I have encountered.

 Last edit: 26/09/2017 15:26

Nitewin   United States. Sep 26 2017 15:49. Posts 908


Loco   Canada. Sep 26 2017 19:22. Posts 18711

Those are great recommendations, Blizzy. Had no idea someone else read this kind of lit on here.

For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. (Mencken) 

RiKD    United States. Sep 26 2017 21:59. Posts 4100


  On September 26 2017 00:18 wobbly_au wrote:
You should play pubg with friends



That is a pretty good suggestion. I have been looking for a game to play with my brother and sister. PUBG looks pretty cool.


RiKD    United States. Sep 26 2017 22:00. Posts 4100


  On September 26 2017 03:09 PuertoRican wrote:
Show nested quote +


A degree in history usually leads to becoming a teacher. Same with an English degree (I have one).


For a quick laugh: http://www.tickld.com/x/37-slogans-fo...-majors-if-they-were-actually-honest-


How is making a lesson plan? Grading papers?


RiKD    United States. Sep 26 2017 22:08. Posts 4100


  On September 26 2017 14:01 BlizzY wrote:
Show nested quote +



Seriously, how haven't you come to this conclusion earlier ? It's so obvious that it's always better idea to read more literature.

For some great neurotic rants I recommend reading some Thomas Bernhard (Correction, Concrete). If you prefer American literature and haven't already read Saul Bellow's Herzog, it's a beautiful and extremely intellectually engaging probe into mind of developing psychosis.

Forgot to add Knut Hamsun (Hunger, Mysteries) for some of the best depiction of craziness in literature I have encountered.


I don't know. Sometimes I get into these moods where I just feel like I need to let it fly. Like a crazy man that stops by a well to yell in it for a while.

I will keep these works in my mind somewhere. I always can come back to this thread. I have been meaning to read some Saul Bellow for a while because Martin Amis is a fan.


PuertoRican   United States. Sep 27 2017 00:10. Posts 10571


  On September 26 2017 21:00 RiKD wrote:
Show nested quote +



How is making a lesson plan? Grading papers?


Making lesson plans and grading papers isn't difficult, but it takes so much time because you're always doing something else.

Once you have been teaching for a few years, you'll have various lesson plans saved in your file/computer/brain that you can come back to whenever you want. Since I'm a new teacher, everything is time consuming, and I'm not even a full-time teacher yet. Once I become full-time, life will get even busier.

Teaching makes having a life and/or hobby difficult, especially when your hobby is watching sports and playing sports fantasy like I do, as you need time to research players.

Rekrul is a newb 

bigredhoss   Cook Islands. Sep 27 2017 02:46. Posts 8561


  On September 26 2017 21:00 RiKD wrote:
Show nested quote +



How is making a lesson plan? Grading papers?



I'll throw in my perspective since I'm teaching math now. Our school has a basic lesson plan template that all the teachers follow. Each lesson we have to identify which of the Common Core standards we're addressing. If you're teaching in the US your plans will almost always be based off of the CC or some alteration that's very similar to the CC (here's some examples for history). CC isn't a curriculum per se, just a set of general guidelines. Then we write down specific objective(s) for what the students will be learning that are aligned with the CC standard.

We have 70-minute periods which are divided like this:

"Do Now"/Check Homework - 15 minutes: Everyday when the students come in they have a "Do Now", which is just a couple of review problems from the previous day written on the board. They work on them for about 10 minutes, then I go over them the last 5 minutes with them (they're not graded). It's as much of a classroom management tool as anything else; they have something waiting for them when they walk in so I'm not going around trying to get people to stop talking and in their seats when the come in. While they're working on the problems I come around to check their HW from the previous day (not whether it's right or wrong, just that they finished it). Also take attendance.

Modeling - 10 minutes: I introduce whatever material we're working on that day, work through a few sample problems on the board, answer questions if they have any.

Guided Practice - 30 minutes: I give them some problems to work on from their textbook. They're seated in groups of 4 so they can help each other. I try to make groups with mixed abilities as much as I can so the slower students can learn from the sharper ones. I walk around the room and check how everyone is doing and help people who need it. At the end we go over the problems and I call on students to explain how they answered them.

Independent Practice - ~15 minutes: I give students their HW assignment and if there's time, they spend the rest of the class period work on it individually. I'm still walking around the classroom to answer questions during this time though.

The other teachers for History, English, etc. use this same basic template. Tests are the only work that's actually graded for accuracy. Tests are easy to grade for Math since I just check the answer key, but harder (by harder I mean more time-consuming) for other subjects where you have to grade essays and short-response type answers. If a student shows their work and I can see they basically understood the problem but just made a silly arithmetic error and ended with a wrong answer, I'll usually give them partial credit.

For better or worse, our school is very focused on driving up test scores on the state assessments so we can say our students get higher math scores than xx% of other schools in the district. So there is some pressure when it comes to achieving those scores, although I've never heard of anyone being fired for not having high enough scores from their students.

Truck-Crash LifeLast edit: 27/09/2017 02:52

Minsk   Belarus. Sep 27 2017 17:04. Posts 1493

A coward dies a thousand deaths. A soldier dies but once.Last edit: 27/09/2017 17:05

Minsk   Belarus. Sep 27 2017 17:05. Posts 1493


  On September 26 2017 03:09 PuertoRican wrote:
Show nested quote +


A degree in history usually leads to becoming a teacher. Same with an English degree (I have one).


For a quick laugh: http://www.tickld.com/x/37-slogans-fo...-majors-if-they-were-actually-honest-


Yeah, go teach some people to be crazy as fuck.
...
Once you're all crazy, it will be sane.

A coward dies a thousand deaths. A soldier dies but once. 

RiKD    United States. Sep 28 2017 19:24. Posts 4100

I think everyone is a little crazy in their own ways. Most of the best teachers I had were a little crazy. In many ways being a high school history teacher makes a lot of sense. I just never follow through on it. I think I am afraid of the GRE, teaching history to high school kids, and grading papers. I had a history teacher in high school who just gave out fill in the blank tests and would grade them while we watched "Roots." He was a pretty awful teacher. Then another history teacher who constantly gave out long answer homework, essay tests, and papers. I never saw him grading papers in class. He was a hero for more reasons than just that.

I have been searching for other forums. I have not found one yet. I do have a friend who has been helping me a lot with brutal honest advice. It's not rocket science though. Get a better job and be more social is basically it. He is on me every time I see him though and he does not accept settling. I actually do enjoy coming home from work having a meal and watching a couple of episodes of House Hunters International with my mom to unwind but do I really want to be doing that next month, next year, in 10 years? Maybe another problem is my answer is not a resounding no. At least as I prepare a lot of this food it gets easier as time goes by. I don't really want too much time to go by though but I am still at that problem of not knowing what to do. I was talking to my mom about what makes me unique in a job sense. She said I was pretty smart and have a college degree. Fuck. You know how many mother fuckers are pretty smart and have a college degree? I'm doomed.

Oh well, I am feeling pretty good after a cold shower. My shower does not get cold enough though. Unless I am just used to it now. I still get those deep breaths and heart racing at the start so that is probably good enough.


cariadon   Estonia. Oct 01 2017 17:54. Posts 3925

I've been reading and enjoying this book for a while now, thought i'd share.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/16121.Titan


RiKD    United States. Oct 04 2017 16:24. Posts 4100

This is my blog. I can yell into a well if I want to. I need something to do before I go on my walks in the morning. Am I anesthetizing the void? Sometimes this site can be quite stimulating. Other times I am looking for something to do. So, today I start writing. My days off were great. I spent most of the time on a patio socializing with a friend from out of town and his friend. He was a restaurant owner in town and a fascinating guy. His house was beautiful. He renovated a crack house into a really amazing house in a now hip part of town. I have things to learn from this guy but he is also just a beautiful human being with great stories. It seems that most of the friends I hang out with these days are 50 somethings who are living a great life. Typically a bit unconventional. I want to see how it can be done and I think now a days I am a bit of an old soul. I think about how to live life, retirement, how to get value out of older age and maybe not enough on how to get value now but that is not entirely true. I think a lot about how to live my life now but maybe I am not the best on following through with that. I think I realized I have to find other alcoholics in recovery in the restaurant business if I want to do something after work. A lot of the restaurant biz is still into partying heavy. The other thing though is that by the time work is over since I wake up fairly early I just want to go home get something to eat and unwind. It is difficult to do much socializing before work around the noon hours. I just go for a walk with my mom and my dog and that is good enough most days. That is the cycle. A rich social circle is not going to blossom from that. Neither is a rich life. My job pays $11/hr. It is enough to cover meager living but not much else. I will not get my own place. I will not be traveling much. It's a cycle that could be labelled as vicious. I am grateful to be alive and well though. I am not drinking, my psychosis is not taking over my life, I have a roof over my head and a bed and I don't go hungry. How to break out of a vicious cycle though? I suppose it takes admitting that there is a problem. Realizing that change is possible and then seeking out help. I am pretty open about my current situation. People typically like to be helpful. Just yesterday I found out I could probably go lay drywall for $15-$20/hr. That is more of a living wage and the hours are probably a day shift. Painting too but I left a painting job after the first day once. It was not for me. This restaurant owner though had worked just about every job in the restaurant biz before he became an owner. The experience there is priceless. He grew up in the jungles near Puerto Vallarta. He would go to town and sell watermelons and dream of one day owning a place. He went to Chicago with nothing. Now he has that place in Puerto Vallarta. Sometimes I can get caught up in the material. I think it is important to have a good enough place in a society that you wish to live. It is also important to have peace. It is also important to have human connection. Is the human connection I get at work and with my parents good enough? It may be but I do crave some variety. There are certain things I can not talk about at work or with my parents. I don't get to really talk at work much either. I am too busy preparing the food. That is why it is so important to get that enriching socialization on my days off but then I crave it more in between. It is just so much better of an activity than writing blogs, watching tv, etc. But here I am. Writing a blog. A giant block of text. If I stop writing I will have to find something else to do before I go on a walk. Perhaps that would be a worthwhile activity. Feel some pain. Feel the void. Why aren't I making some changes to my life? Why aren't I doing a better job of searching for a new job?


Loco   Canada. Oct 04 2017 23:31. Posts 18711

Why do you keep doing things that make you unsatisfied? Fear. What else? You fear change. Probably because you fear failure, you fear not being able to sustain any changes and ending up worse off.

For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. (Mencken) 

 
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