I am a man yelling into a well - Page 2

I am probably past due to take a fear (and resentment) inventory. I don't feel particularly blocked up but there is certainly fear. There is also just the fact that I haven't found anything better. The only call I have gotten is from Whole Foods to work part time prepping food and managing the produce. Do I really want to switch for cantaloupes, pineapples, and watermelons for 16 hours a week? Do I really want to lay drywall all day every day? I don't like heights so scaffolding and painting is not an option. Do I want to go door to door selling solar panels? Go site to site selling construction equipment? These are the kinds of opportunities that are presenting themselves. There is fear. There is always fear. Now, how to address it? AA says it is always dealing with the instincts. The drive for status, security, relationships, and sex. Something like that. I don't feel like going through the book at this moment. Making changes can have an effect on those things but a better job with better hours would improve all of those drives. As you said though if it does not work out it would negatively effect all of those drives. I am not saying the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous is the gospel. I am really just bringing it up as it relates to fear because overcoming fears is so crucial in this life.

The big book also says that the real problem with fear is that self-reliance had failed us. Their solution is trusting and relying upon God.

"We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does he enable us to match calamity with serenity."

"We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us to be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear."

I mean it isn't horrible. I could realize that the universe is infinite and I can't control everything. Be the right size for my circumstances and have more acceptance but it is really difficult to take a book seriously that thinks there is an all-powerful deity that will remove fear if one is being moral along Christian lines. There could be something said about living an ethical life, doing the right thing, not lying and having less fear which is true. I think there still will be fear permeating in areas of ones' life. The point is I don't believe that I can just pray my problems away. It's absurd. Part of the reason I posted this is that that kind of stuff is the playbook I was given on how to live life as a sober alcoholic. I am still learning that I can say that is bullshit. There have to be other ways to overcome fears but my first instinct is go to back to "what the book says."

How can I take anything seriously in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous with passages from above. Then it goes to how can I take Alcoholics Anonymous seriously and anyone in it? Then it feels like my life is falling a part as that is what has propped it up in many ways these last 3 years. I just don't feel connected in some ways at work. It is like I am always in danger of really struggling with life and I have these unconscious fears holding me back. I want to change. I suppose I am afraid of change. Great jobs don't grow on trees and they never seem to show up on my indeed.com feed. Not even just something I could do during the day shift that isn't so bad.

I am in a spot in my life like yeah prayer would be so great if I believed in it. I need to surround myself with awesome people. With loved ones.

I wish I could believe in a God that loves me and takes care of me and all I have to do is to do my best and pray. I don't even know where to begin with fear besides what do I fear and why? Talk it over with a therapist or a friend who would be receptive to a conversation like that.

On October 04 2017 15:24 RiKD wrote: This is my blog. I can yell into a well if I want to. I need something to do before I go on my walks in the morning. Am I anesthetizing the void? Sometimes this site can be quite stimulating. Other times I am looking for something to do. So, today I start writing. My days off were great. I spent most of the time on a patio socializing with a friend from out of town and his friend. He was a restaurant owner in town and a fascinating guy. His house was beautiful. He renovated a crack house into a really amazing house in a now hip part of town. I have things to learn from this guy but he is also just a beautiful human being with great stories. It seems that most of the friends I hang out with these days are 50 somethings who are living a great life. Typically a bit unconventional. I want to see how it can be done and I think now a days I am a bit of an old soul. I think about how to live life, retirement, how to get value out of older age and maybe not enough on how to get value now but that is not entirely true. I think a lot about how to live my life now but maybe I am not the best on following through with that. I think I realized I have to find other alcoholics in recovery in the restaurant business if I want to do something after work. A lot of the restaurant biz is still into partying heavy. The other thing though is that by the time work is over since I wake up fairly early I just want to go home get something to eat and unwind. It is difficult to do much socializing before work around the noon hours. I just go for a walk with my mom and my dog and that is good enough most days. That is the cycle. A rich social circle is not going to blossom from that. Neither is a rich life. My job pays $11/hr. It is enough to cover meager living but not much else. I will not get my own place. I will not be traveling much. It's a cycle that could be labelled as vicious. I am grateful to be alive and well though. I am not drinking, my psychosis is not taking over my life, I have a roof over my head and a bed and I don't go hungry. How to break out of a vicious cycle though? I suppose it takes admitting that there is a problem. Realizing that change is possible and then seeking out help. I am pretty open about my current situation. People typically like to be helpful. Just yesterday I found out I could probably go lay drywall for $15-$20/hr. That is more of a living wage and the hours are probably a day shift. Painting too but I left a painting job after the first day once. It was not for me. This restaurant owner though had worked just about every job in the restaurant biz before he became an owner. The experience there is priceless. He grew up in the jungles near Puerto Vallarta. He would go to town and sell watermelons and dream of one day owning a place. He went to Chicago with nothing. Now he has that place in Puerto Vallarta. Sometimes I can get caught up in the material. I think it is important to have a good enough place in a society that you wish to live. It is also important to have peace. It is also important to have human connection. Is the human connection I get at work and with my parents good enough? It may be but I do crave some variety. There are certain things I can not talk about at work or with my parents. I don't get to really talk at work much either. I am too busy preparing the food. That is why it is so important to get that enriching socialization on my days off but then I crave it more in between. It is just so much better of an activity than writing blogs, watching tv, etc. But here I am. Writing a blog. A giant block of text. If I stop writing I will have to find something else to do before I go on a walk. Perhaps that would be a worthwhile activity. Feel some pain. Feel the void. Why aren't I making some changes to my life? Why aren't I doing a better job of searching for a new job?

Rik, your blog can be a place to vent, a place for catharsis, a place to find advice/opinions or simply bounce ideas around, a place to wax sentimental about whatever type of drugs you've done or food you've eaten or sex you've had, or fantasize about what combinations of the aforementioned that you'd like to have. But for fuck's sake man, break that shit into fucking paragraphs.

So, I am unsatisfied. I am fearful of change, failure, the whole lot. I have been trained to work a program of recovery and 12 steps. Looking through 10, 11, 12 I am falling short. Is the reason I am unsatisfied because my life is that undesirable or am I ungrateful, resentful, fearful? It certainly would be a good exercise to look into my resentments and fears, admit where I am wrong, meditate, and help other people regardless of whether portions of a book written in 1935 are bollocks.

I am self-obsessed.

It's not your fault.

This time could be better spent meditating. Even just a 10 minute meditation session would be better than this but here I am. I have realized this is typically just a self-obsessed indulgence. I can justify otherwise but thinking back to most of my blogs it is self-obsessed indulgence. Which is weird because there is barely anyone on this site anymore. Ease and convenience I suppose. I do my best to be a kind, graceful, humble human. I do not wish to be led astray by my drives and instincts. I wish to be above being allured by a silhouette on the beach and beginning to create fantasies or maybe rehashing some moment from the past. I want to be in the present. Inaction could be considered a vice. Fear of change. Fear of failure. Fear of being alone. Fear of not being able to take care of myself. Fear of death. I am not striving for gold and trinkets I just want a job on the day shift so I can hang out with people but I don't change anything. I don't like coming home to an empty house at 10pm. I am sure everyone is sick of hearing this including myself but I am just partaking in some writing and this is what comes out.

Maybe writing it out again will lead to action:

- Call people on the phone. Make connections with people where I can. Go to noon meeting and ask about service opportunities.
- Take personal inventory of my resentments and fears. Literally write it down. Talk to people about it.
- Meditate, write, read on Buddhism and other spiritual matters
- Be honest, be kind, help people

Watch at 5:11: https://youtu.be/FaBF2kbgYbE?t=311

I need to find a new breakfast. Commercial baked goods is all I eat but I don't know if I can find something as easy and convenient that goes well with coffee? I don't want to have to cook anything.

If it has to be commercial then get some 100% whole wheat or sprouted grain bread. Low sugar content. Sodium amount should be around the same as the number of calories per portion (or below). So if it's a piece of bread that's 120 calories sodium should be 120 or below. It shouldn't be soft/fluffy to the touch (see vid below). That's overall how you know you got a really good bread.

Contemplation as self obsession. If I just reflect more deeply maybe the creative spark will hit me and I can become happy. What is happiness. It is so fleeting. Can it really be the goal? Transcendence and liberation is probably the better goal. Purpose. How can I be of service? That helps me. Surrendering to the Universe and thinking about how I can be of service to my fellow man. Easy does it, first things first, taking care of one thing at a time as it needs to be done. If I can be in the present that is the best place to be but what if I have to plan ahead for a flight? There will be time for that. So, I am writing this blog and it is contemplation and I am going for a walk and it's contemplation but there is also blue skies and blue seas, fresh air. I have never taken a walk and felt worse. I am helping out my dog. He can't take walks on his own. I am improving health, mood, and sometimes I do get a bit of a creative spark to help me with a problem. I can never solve all problems. I am far from perfect. I am reading a lot of recovery and buddhism readings lately if you can't tell. They would have me feed the pets and meditate. Get away from the thinking. Be aware, be receptive, just be, just be in the present. Each breath is an opportunity. Part of me wants to be that atheist that just doesn't give a shit about anything. I suffer though. I think there are powers of love and connection that are pretty powerful. How come when I get into a conversation with someone I like at work things get better? Same goes for calling my mom on the phone or my friends. I could sit out on a patio for hours with friends levitating ever so slightly. Laughter and connection heals.

Easy does it, first things first, one thing at a time. These are my mantras. They help me get through the day. How can I be of service? How can I be useful? When I am at work it is pretty easy. Just do the right thing.

I started watching porn again. It has been kind of fun. There is a lot to go through. A lot of different kinds of content. I get kind of bored with the cookie cutter shots and routines. It's definitely another surrogate. A fleeting pleasure. I think it has a bad effect on me psychologically too. It's like eating candy, going on social media, and before I know it I am craving alcohol and then I am at the pinnacle of anesthetizing the void with shooting heroin into my arm. It's just you get certain pornstars doing their thing and it just works. I once told a woman that her vagina was my Higher Power. Yeah, like that is going to work out. I would be a sex addict I just never had the influx of sexual options. In my past when I first found the free online porn I probably qualified. An addict that finds himself prepping food. It is not such a bad gig. I like the people and it is not all that stressful. That doesn't mean I shouldn't be looking for other stuff. That is a whole other blog that I've already written probably 15 times.

I finally got a therapist. That should help a bit. I was writing a lot of quite lengthy blogs on here. Going into reveries and blacking out in transcendence.

Does anyone ever notice that you probably objectify women a bit more after watching porn? There was this women wearing a loose blouse with great tits and I got fixated. I think it's because I stare at the screen and wank. It's not a good habit to get into. Of course a pair of great tits in a loose blouse is going to catch my eye but when I'm not watching porn I take a glance and think the world is beautiful and just sort of move on. Like good for her. What if we pondered great breasts like "Starry Night" down at the museum?

There was one night I found myself drinking a bottle of Vueve with dinner and that turned into driving down to the strip club. Then I just sort of sat in the back and started drinking double Hennessys. I don't know what I was doing I was just listening to Watch the Throne and just wanted a bit of adventure in my life. I wasn't really flirting I was just trying to have conversations because I was lonely and bored. They kind of had to go along with it a little bit but most left to make money. Finally, one stripper just walked right up to me looked me straight in the eyes and said "Hi, I'm Lovely. Would you like to go to the back with me?" The direct nature of it and the way this women carried herself the honest answer was "yes." I was fixated with breasts that night. Just something comforting about it. When I was sucking her breasts I felt a smooth burn of liberation and probably oxytocin. I was hoping for a bit of redness and nipple erection but she probably viewed me as some dumb ass mark. That is the dream of all marks. That the stripper is somewhat attracted to you and would go home with you. I don't think her nipples got hard at all really. It became sort of a challenge. We were back there a pretty long time and she was grinding the fuck out of my dick in a real sexy manner. She had me. Eventually, I came in my pants. That's a great moment in life. Walking out of a strip club with jizz all down your pants and now you have to drive home all liquored up. I got home safe and continued to drink into oblivion.

I just wanted to suck her breasts. Take a nap in them if I could. Floating in a cloud on a cool summer evening. Soothing to the soul. Calming comfort. Kissing is too intimate. I would rather kiss her vagina. Just wet enough to enter. We'll take it gentle for a while.