All Efforts to Live Lead to Deathby RiKD, August 04
All efforts to live lead to death (Byung-Chul Han)
Everything we agonize over and everything we don't leads to death. So, let us live in spite of this. What do we work for?
I'd say most of us work for pleasure, entertainment, "fun." It's not great. It is also not like double the work equals double the pleasure. So, we are left empty handed (for the most part). Pleasure is fleeting. Circus is only satiable in certain amounts. So, what happens when I exploit myself for pleasure and the pleasure does not hit right?
Resentiment. Burnout. Depression.
Then, there is the question of how serious the narcissist problem is with me?
I don't think it is that serious but I do like some admiration and attention. I am self-centered too. These blogs are very self-referential and self-absorbed.
But, mostly I am tired. I can't afford to move slow at work. Why not?
At least I can move slow off the clock. What if I was working for virtue instead of pleasure? What would that look like?
I have very few pleasures and I exploit myself overly at work. I think it is a fallacy to look for MORE and/or BETTER pleasure. The question is how do I exploit myself less at work and have more of the Other in my life. The Other is not behind a computer screen. I have to do the work. I have to leave the house.
Even if all these efforts to live lead to death. Everything leads to death. It's what we can find before death that matters. Whether that is being remembered for the good which I do think matters more than any fleeting pleasures. I've been in this city for 7 years now and I think that it is hitting me that a lot of it feels like a waste. No one wants to feel like their life was a waste or that their life is a waste or their life is going to be a waste. On one hand it feels like it all is not that important but on the other hand it feels deathly important. I want to feel better alone doing nothing but at the same time I want friends and The Other. Byung-Chul Han says that man could not dance before they were bored of walking. Sometimes I have to be lying down in my bed slowly looking out the window to truly feel content or think of something new but really my bedroom is too confining. I really should be walking in the right surroundings. A crowded beach is too crowded. I would love to traverse the Alps but those are in Europe so I settle with my neighborhood typically which isn't a terrible walk.
I don't think I am going to get Baldur's Gate 3. Just another slot machine to try and feel a certain way. Going out with friends I suppose is a slot machine in some sense but it feels real. There is breadth and depth there. These people are complicated, interesting humans that should not be compared to a video game.
The Wings of Desire (Der Himmel uber Berlin)
Melancholia
Anomalisa
about 1.5k of unaccounted losses from some random PLO shots. Forgot to toggle tracker when I changed games and dont even know what I sat down with.
Hours are particularly low this month after the flu and resulting bronchitis knocked me out for almost 2 weeks, then went out of town. I always struggle with hours due to my strict game selection; fullstacked recs on my right or I dont play.
Really want to get into PLO though after some vloggers commented on 2/5 being the peak of NLHE in most areas. The last few times I played PLO it was just middle aged white guys with 10k in their pockets lamenting their hatred for NLHE and how they 'came to gamble'.
Realization is a strong word. How often do we have realizations?
I thought I had a Spiritual Experience as the result of a 12-step program's Steps. I mean that is how I would describe it. Albeit it was a much more gradual experience. A flip did not switch that allowed me to magically be sober. It was a combination of a number of things over the course of a year or so. I also don't believe that a Spiritual Experience I had in 2014 - 2015 would necessarily be adequate for the rest of my life. To add to that 9 years in I need MORE than just a Spiritual Experience to function as an adult in this society. I need ideas and realizations. It seems like those come at weird times like the shower, a shit, a walk, driving in the car. I don't necessarily think I get ideas from these writings. Oh, I wish I could just shit on a piece of paper and figure something out. However, ideas are nothing with out execution. Realization is a stronger word and realizations are stronger than ideas.
I don't think I am actually a nihilist. I am not a true nihilist but I am on the spectrum. Even nihilists need ideas and realizations. Sometimes I think what is best for this is ultimate repetition or ultimate jolt from comfortable consciousness. It all might come down to our libido as well but I learned that using sex workers and hot strangers for sex while quite grand in the moment offered up a lonliness and emptiness wanting for something more. I don't have my shit together enough to make a woman my girlfriend so I toil away in pain at any number of things. That is where my lonliness comes from it's pretty obvious. I'm lonely because I'm lonely. The emptiness comes and goes. I sure was not empty when I was in the process of beating Lilith or playing Ghost Riders in the Sky by The Outlaws. But even though Diablo IV has brought out an A game flow state what I'm left with is kind of a shitty Pulverize Bear that while tanky as fuck just doesn't do a respectful amount of damage. Finding a Shockwave aspect would help but fuck it I'm just going to rebuild my Rogue for Season 1 if it is even worth playing Diablo IV in the first place.
Anyways, there is no real realization with Diablo IV besides the eventual realization that it's not worth playing. Although, there is still some interest there for me currently. My brother finally got his tornado aspect and it was super fun watching him tear through nightmare dungeons and his werewolf is fucking FAST man. Hard to keep up. I would imagine this period in Diablo IV is the most engaging. From the campaign really heating up to starting nightmare dungeons to world bosses to gambling items. Even running around getting Lilith statues, doing strongholds, events, gambooling obols is pretty occupying.
It's all probably keeping myself from realizations and ideas. I'm smashing myself with this stuff so I don't have to think about my lack in the Other. I love the guitar but a song only lasts for 3 or so minutes. A date is foreplay. How long do you want to keep that going? A night is only a night. Will she be there for more the next day?
I could go both ways but I think the truth is I have a deep, underlying dissatisfaction with how my life is going. It is times like now that I can sort of tap into this but at the same time the music I am listening to is so good and I am acknowledging discontedness brings me to a place of acceptance or fires me up that maybe just maybe there is a way to change. I'm so fucked up I can't function properly in today's society but I think that a lot of people feel this way. It's not entirely our fault. Maybe it would bring power to take ownership and say it's all my fault but I don't think that is the truth. I'm fucked but the society is fucked up more. I just need some time to analyze. I don't even know exactly where realizations like that bring me. Build a better society? Yikes, that's daunting. Attempt to build a better me seems like something I can digest. If I know society is fucked and has a bad impact on me I can deal with that better than just being some bitter nihilist. I want to have meaning. I want to have some sort of moral code. I want to build and I want to make a difference. I just don't fucking know how. I go to work and mostly all my actions are to improve the profitability of the company. So, the sum of my actions lead to improving the profitability of the company. I come home and smash myself with stimuli. I have forgotten who I am and who I want to be. My only rest is novels, sleep, and maybe writing on here. No wonder I am so tired yet we live in a Tiredness Society. Always optimizing. Maybe I want to just sit here and listen to some Portishead for a bit.
I don't think I ever learned how to combat the Burnout Society. Paid Time Off can be a repreive but it's back to it. I can read a novel and take a nap and that goes against the Burnout Society but the Burnout Society has the last laugh in that I am resting to work. As much as I want to fight it there is no escape. Embracing the Burnout Society fully seems to have drastic repercussions for me. I need to thrive if I want a girlfriend yet I am unsure if I am capable of thriving. As things ramp up my anxiety ramps up and I also put myself in danger of mania and/or drinking. I mean shit, things are ramping up so much I am writing a fucking essay on a dead website! Fuck it. I think it's time to read a novel and get some sleep.
So, suppose I don't want to work...by RiKD, June 29
I put in my 2 weeks because that is the responsible thing to do?
How do I get health insurance?
How do I pay bills?
Assume I have savings for a little while how do I find something else to do before I run out of money?
I know, I know. I am supposed to find something before I quit. How do I do that when there is so little time and all my open availability is used at work?
sup fellas? Tomorrow, I leave to Europe for my usual 1.5 month summer vacation, and I'll return on July 26.
I've noticed that once I started traveling a lot in summer 2018, we've lost a lot of active people every summer since then. While we don't have a lot of active people left, I hope that LP doesn't fully die before I return.
I'll be in Belarus for one month with my girlfriend, and then we'll go to Cyprus for two weeks. We might get married this summer, so that's interesting... As of now, we just talked about signing the paperwork and having a ceremony at a later date. I'll keep you guys updated with how that goes.
I'll of course post another blog with pics and information after I get back.
I don't know. Has it been a week since anyone posted on this site?
I don't think I have come any closer to building the world or making a difference in it. Maybe a small difference for the people around me. Certainly, nothing is going to get done with me putting so much time into watching the NBA Finals, watching Pro Wrestling, and now playing Diablo IV. Although if you are interested in watching Pro Wrestling I suggest watching the Okada v Omega rivalry. Truly epic stuff. I guess since I am unable to actually build the world and make a difference I will complain. Work is work. Shit! It's fucking work and it kind of pisses me off that all my labor and efforts are put towards retail for 40+ hours in the week!
Diablo IV is pretty fun. It's fun playing a new game. I'm sure it gets some brain chemicals going like dopamine and adrenaline. I want to get back in there just thinking about it. It is the ultimate slot machine. The atmosphere and music and fear of death create a fun stress/tension and it's hella fun smashing up all of the hell's minions with the chance of drops. It's not even the boss beating and big drops that get me into a state it's the tension that allows me to escape. I don't think D4 is a great option before bed. I don't even know if I sleep well. The doctor wanted me to get a CPAP and I ghosted him. I probably need a solid 9 or 10 hours of sleep to feel good. That is a large portion of the day.
I would like to build the world and make a difference but I also have the inclination to be anonymous. Anonymous sage in the art of non-doing. It would help if I knew my intrinsic virtuousities a bit better. My innate talents. It would be worthwhile to labor towards goals other than capital. I don't know if that is possible for me though. So, I zonk out on NBA Finals, Pro wrestling, and Diablo IV. I don't know if there is an answer right now. It's just where I am at today. Thank you for letting me share.
"We receive of it some one completed form, a specific fully-formed body, and then we keep that alive only by constantly anticipating its end, grinding and lacerating it against all the thing around us, everything it does just flashing by and away like an unstoppable galloping horse - is it not sad? All our lives we labor, and nothing is achieved. Worn and exhausted to the point of collapse, never knowing what it all amounts to - how can we not lament this? What good does it do if others say, "To us he is not dead?" The body has decayed and the mind went with it. Can this be called anything but an enormous sorrow? Is human life always and everywhere such a daze? Or could it be only me who is dazed, while there are also others who are undazed? Of humans is there anything or anyone undazed?"
Zhuangzi
I am in good company I suppose.
In order to quit the internet I would have to find some things to fill that hole. Some may say I need to find some things to fill the hole before I can quit the internet. I am not theoretically against quitting the internet. I think it could be done. It would be difficult. I would have to totally re-think how I pass the time on my 15 min. breaks for example. I don't think I am particularly that talented or that engrossed with any creative endeavours. I can't paint at work. Poetry is not something I must do. I can be hot and cold on the guitar. Going on dates and cuddling with sex workers would be great if I lived in Amsterdam. I am in a rut that I will stay in if I don't take radical action. That is the truth. So, my first move? I'll go veg out in my fancy Norwegian recliner and watch the Nuggets vs the Lakers.
I realized I had some strawberries in the refridgerator. They were from a local farm and quite magical but I had forgotten about them and they had seen better days. Still edible and quite good but strawberries go pretty quickly. Easily perceivable over the course of a week. What about us humans? Not so perceivable over a course of a week or even years. It is still a reminder that for most of us we are further and further away from our peak in many areas and we do not have forever to live with the absence of debilitating ailments. My parents are on a cruise in Italy and Greece. That is pretty sweet. They can still enjoy these things but they do lack an energy of 21 year olds. It is good to know many things are still enjoyable at 70 if we take care of ourselves. I wanted to play guitar in a band in the 5th grade and pretty much every grade therafter. My parents always said no. I am pretty sure if they would have said yes in the 5th grade many permutations would have me way better at the guitar than I am today at 40. I was driving around today and I realize I have not listened to a Metallica record in a long time. Perhaps, since high school. I chose the Black Album as that is what I listened to the most of when I was younger. Not a bad record but I think the feelings of nostalgia outweighed any other feelings. I am not the biggest James Hetfield fan although Kirk Hammett kills it on the guitar. What I found interesting is that I knew most of the lyrics and every guitar riff on the record even though I hadn't listened to it since being in my teens. Repetition and a likely more elastic brain is amazing. I will never be as good at the guitar as someone who is talented and diligent from age 12. I can probably still get to a decent level or at least a more enjoyable level than I am at today though. That's all that really matters. I have to do something as I decay it might as well be guitar. My uncle still gets much joy from the guitar at age 67. It's a good life hobby/habit.
I think it was haralabob who said this but I'm sure someone else said this as well. A good idea is to look 10 years ahead and picture where you want to be and work towards that. In 10 years I will be 50... Hard to picture it. I always said I'll probably commit suicide by 55 but I think if I do things right over the next 5 or so years I won't have to resort to killing myself. I had such a rough trip from 30 to 40 it feels like I am getting a bit of a breather at least this year. A slight repreive. Although there were great times in those years. Primarily, the first year I got sober and was getting long term disability. That was a magical year. After that capitalism kept me occupied. I've lived in this current city for like 7 years and have no friends. The problem is if you are killing yourself to make like $30,000 in a year there may just not be a whole lot left over. Not a whole lot left to give. I will make more this year but my new job probably takes more of a toll on me. We will see what I can do with my situation. It's certainly better than 2020 or 2021. 2022 was a grind man. 2023 has been a sick grind as well but with the last year and a half I might have put myself in a freer position. I hope so. I'm still decaying rapidly or not so rapidly relative to what you want to choose. Compared to a strawberry I have all the time in the world given most runouts. I do not need a stone with my name on it. Just feed me to the dogs. I'd rather be dog shit than worm shit.
I don't really have a plan. It's certainly not going to be posting a bunch of hokey YouTube videos. I know I need human connection and love. That is the hardest one. I train intensely. I meditate. I typically sleep pretty well. If things are going well there is no need to practice gratitude. I guess practicing gratitude is a positive thing to do. It just feels almost as hokey as lostaccount's YouTube videos.
Performing some songs for an audience has really jump started everything. My instructor was like "oh, you've got the bug now. Don't get any ideas. Trust me." I actually have been social in the last week which is a game changer as well.
I just wanted to reflect for a little bit. Rib lostaccount a little bit and maybe Loco will stop by and suggest some new metal as my Spotify is getting stale as fuck. You are more than your suggestions buddy. I know you know that. Live long and prosper.
Hi all, I'm heading over to Korea for the first time on 25th of April, aiming to find my way to the ASL finals on the 28th!
Just though I would put a post up in case anyone is in Seoul at the same time and wants to meet up.
In other news, I joined a hunting hike, was like being in battle sneaking around the river plains and up streams to trying to spot deer.
No luck this time, though am keen to get out in the untracked wilds again for another overnight hike. Three days was a good amount of time to explore in.
We will die. A shit ton of pallets just got dropped off at the store that I am responsible for getting processed. It never ends. That's why we must enjoy the present because we really don't know how the future will go. I think that is what I am dissapointed in. I'm not really enjoying the present. So, when the shit hits it feels worse. I'm doing my best to hang in there. I take creatine and lift weights. I was actually thinking about going down to the Friday night AA group. The problem is I had a panic attack going over a bridge the other month and I am petrified to go over bridges now. Just my fucked up mental illnesses.
I feel like I am at a standstill with collaborative ai art. I can't produce anything with paint at home and once I got good with prompts for simple text to image stuff there is not a whole lot to do there that is interesting. Stage 2 would be to learn code and machine learning but that seems like a giant leap.
I started a new video game today. Nier:Automota. Has potential.
There's not really a whole lot going on it seems. Work is tediuos and it is a shame I have to spend so much time there. I think on the bright side it keeps my Bipolar more stable. I lift weights and take creatine which also keeps me stable. I play the guitar and sing. I'm learning "Hold On, Magnolia" this week. A bit of a tricky one for me just on first playthrough. I have been reading a lot of Seneca. That guy gets it for the most part. It's crazy he wrote all those letters in 63-65 AD.
Yeah, so there is not really that much to reflect on I suppose at the moment or at least it doesn't feel that way. I mean there is the whole fact that I will die and I want love and connection. I'm really craving it. I think a lot of people do but today a lot of people are not equipped or not willing or not able to go out and have meaningful connection. I have experienced meaningful connection in my past so I don't think I am drawing dead but there are Hikkimoris and NEETs and whatever else there may be. But, that's really what I was thinking like.... In the future, I will die. So, that is scary. I sit down to play my video games and I get a text that the truck dropped off 10 pallets. That can scuff up the ole disposition a little bit. But, it's not like I have any control over these events. Well, I have some control. I can lower the risk of dying. We can strategically process the 10 pallets for better outcomes. And, since these events suck I really need to enjoy the present and not worry which I am not doing. That is the key. Enjoying the present and not worrying. My scheduled shift is tomorrow and not tonight and there is not really anything more to be done than just processing the damn thing like we know how to process it. I shouldn't waste anytime hoping that it will go away or disapear. There is no hope with out fear and no fear without hope. Take refuge in philosophy.
So where to start? After black Friday happened it seems like the community started to slowly drift away from each other, like when you graduate school and everyone parts ways and does their own thing. I was no different. I felt with the slow death of online poker after Black Friday, I needed to transition into the next chapter of my life. I was making little money online compared to before and saw it as the end of an era. So why this random blog post out of nowhere? Probably for self-reflection, a little nostalgia, some sentimental reasons, and just a good old online blog reunion.
Well being a college dropout and a lazy bum, I pivoted to the next easiest thing for me, live poker. To be honest, I was really burned out from poker at this stage already. Had no motivation to grind whatsoever, only enough to pay the bills each month. I think a lot of players feel this way around the 10-year mark in most industries but I cant speak for everyone. Never moved up stakes just grinded 2/5 for fcking ever.
I played in Norcal, Socal, Vegas, Florida, and now ultimately ending up in Austin Texas. I guess poker is a part of my identity. This community is a part of my identity. It's who I am and it took me a very long time to accept this. I had struggles of seeing poker as a respectable career and in turn didnt respect myself and had identity issues. But all that is poop down the toilet now because f all that. I am proud of who I am now, everyone here should be proud of themselves. Poker people are not scumbag degenerate gamblers that contribute nothing to society. Be who you are and embrace it 100% if you want to make it in this world.
Without pride there is no passion. When online poker was good I was so proud to be a part of this site and the poker community. It ignited a passion and fire in me that allowed me to grind so heavily in the beginning. Then when things got bad, I let it affect me negatively, not just moneywise. It got into my head, my game, and fucked everything up. This is why you need pride and passion. Now, living in Austin Texas and seeing the resurgence of a poker boom similar to that of before, I will not squander this opportunity. A small fire has been ignited in me like before. I am no longer the weak aftermath of the collapsed online poker economy.
I am going to extract as much money as possible from these live poker peons, and I am going to feel freaking good doing it. I will become the best version of a crusher that I can possibly be and will have no regrets along the way. Only then, can I be satisfied with who I am and what I have become. LP is my homepage again and I haven't forgotten about my brothas and sistas. I might not post often but I will still be lurking here every once and a while. Best wishes to everyone and I hope you all find your pride and passion in life.
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