I started a Liquid Poker discord channel for chatting about anything. Kind of like the Starcraft/Warcraft days of talking about strat in the chat but then inevitably talking about all other sorts of stuff. Same with poker and MSN days. I don't really know how it will go but I clicked some buttons and it is up and running.
I'm here to bring a message of love and hope. The crisis that we are all facing has been expected for a long time.
The way we humans have been living, the way we treat the planet, the animals and each other, the lack of compassion, of love to one another, the greed, the social inequality, all of that can be summarized in one thing: lack of consciousness. But that is about to change.
The following years will bring spiritual awakening to a large part of the planet, which will in turn shift the entire system to a more harmonious and peaceful state, where certain behaviors of the past will no longer be acceptable.
Before we reach such a state, we will have to endure a lot of pain, a lot of suffering. Each death will spark awakening in others, a search for deeper meaning. Slowly, we will all change, and the world will change.
You don’t need to wait until the pain reaches your door in order to look for the truth. Pain is a great teacher, but a nasty one. You can start now. Now is the time. A billion people in the planet are already locked inside. They have been forced to deal with nothing but their own selves, something they have been avoiding their entire lives by covering their true nature with drugs, social media, brainless entertainment, sex, etc. Stop. Meditate. Look for teachers online, look for books, seek. Now is the time, don’t waste this opportunity.
Lightworkers have been preparing for this moment for years now. The message I bring is something that is meant to touch those who somehow connect with it. I understand and expect that some of you will feel the urge to hate on me. That’s fine, totally ok. Just know this, I will not engage with your hate. I will not engage in any debate. I will only answer those who come in honesty and good heart. I have a lot of work to do, we all do. Stay safe, stay in.
I woke up early (7am) and did my taxes. I may be getting on the manic side.... Mania in quarantine.... that is bad news... or good news for everyone else perhaps. I have a decent refund supposedly coming to me. If Bernie gets me another $2k I'll be looking pretty good. Just continue to study stuff and talk to people. I'm currently on "The Conquest of Bread" by Kropotkin. Pretty fucking classic if you ask me. Byung-Chul Han has a new book coming out. I kind of want to re-read his stuff. I also want to re-read Mark Fisher. Those 2 guys are my guys. Get up on that shit if you haven't already. "The Burnout Society" by Han and "Capitalist Realism" by Mark Fisher are must reads.
I went to the beach this morning to take a walk and it was CLOSED. The bathrooms were CLOSED too. I really needed to take a pee so I just turned back around but I have all this energy I was going to use for a walk to just sit around doing ????
I don't remember what documentary I was watching but there was a kindergarten in Deutschland that did all the classwork in nature. I want to mix that nature aspect with Montessori principles and start my own kindergarten. I don't want it to be private and expensive but open to anyone in the area with somehow keeping class sizes to the appropriate level. Ideally for vulnerable children. I don't have any Montessori certification or capital at this point but this is something I could focus on.
I have ideas but no followthrough. Would I be good at this? Would I enjoy this?
Now is the time to study and think about what I would really like to do.
My therapist says she thinks my underlying sadness and dissatisfaction will go away if I get the work/productive aspect of my life more figured out. I like what Kropotkin says on the matter but it is not possible TODAY. I would love to work 25 hours a week on something I am passionate about and still have the other hours for leisure and non-bourgeois luxury. That seems just about ideal.
Right now I feel that my big task is getting all the local AA meetings from live meetings to online meetings. I did a meeting last night on Zoom and it worked out pretty well.
Other than that it's go for walks, stay inside, study. Now is the time for change. We have learned a lot about capitalism in a short time in this situation.
Since my spiritual journey began (read my last blog entry to understand), I started practicing Yoga. It is something I really love to do, and so I want to start teaching it in a year or so. I'm very dedicated to it as it is an essencial part of my spiritual development. I also reactivated my instagram account and so I'm starting to make yoga related posts there. You can find me there @arthuraml.
I'm gonna try to grow this instagram account in the next year or so. Also, if any of you would like to reach out to me to ask me anything about my journey or related to spirituality or life in general, I'm here for it.
It's funny today I made a bunch of tips and it's kind of a rush. I made about $200 in 7 hours which is a far cry from the $25,000 in 7 hours I used to make on occasion but it's not bad for my current position.
I didn't get off in time to hit up Food Not Bombs but that's ok. They'll survive, I'll survive, we'll all survive.
I spoke to a wise friend about A (sex addict/current crush). It was very valuable we had a really nice conversation for like an hour and a half. Basically, I need more information. What does her sex addiction actually mean and what does it entail? Is she actually not dating for 90 days? Is she abstinent? If not then it's time to ask her on a date. If so then it's time to be a supportive friend even if that lands me in the friend zone if I'm not already there.
It's kind of funny though. The last crush that I was talking about I ended up sitting next to her at the movies tonight as friends and there was no crush left whatsoever. She is just a cool woman. That could be what happens here too but we will see. I'm crushing too hard over these women though. I need even more women in my life or maybe not. I was reading up on a sex addict website that the key is to let the feelings "starve and die" so in a way I am doing the wrong thing by going on Tinder a bunch, and checking out Pornhub. It just makes me horny and crazy all the time. That's when I need to watch some BreadTube vids, listen to the local DSA podcast, or read up on some anarchist theory or whatever.
I feel like A might have complete control of the situation. A sex addict has experience and powers. Why has she decided to seduce me? She has said that I am her idol. I am out of my depths here. I was hoping she would be at the meeting tonight. You ever have a connection with someone that is kind of like a drug. It is many times the man that has to make the decisive move. I want to be finished with suppressing my flirtations and charisma I just want to be in a dating situation for that. Or just not give a fuck and unleash the power level in front of all of the AA crowd. Oh well, I'm just tired but can't quite sleep yet so I am just ruminating on the situation. Why am I fixating on this woman? It was our recent conversations. She is a different kind of woman but full of sexual charisma. I feel like we could talk for hours, fuck for hours, and talk for hours.
It's my birthday today. I think there are always some reflection around these times. My parents offered to take me out to dinner. I wanted to try this sushi restaurant downtown. It ended up being really expensive and I felt uncomfortable about how expensive these pieces of fish were. I just didn't like the whole vibe of the place. Playing like fancy club music and all the decor. I felt like a class traitor in this place. I ended up getting a bunch of nigiri for way too much money and then thoroughly enjoyed it. It was delectable. Ugh. Now, I just feel dirty about the whole thing.
Then I went out with some friends. The sex addict from the last blog ended up sitting next to me. She was touching me a lot. It made me slightly uncomfortable. I've never met someone like her. She may have some sort of spell on me. We were at a crowded table and she was talking to only me for a long time as if no one else was at the table. That made me slightly uncomfortable. But then I realized I would actually just like to talk to her with no one else at the table. Conversation opened up a bit and I felt more comfortable but then I realized the conversation with her was much more interesting. She was giving other people attention but I wanted that full attention back. I want her touch and attention. I want to date her but she isn't going on dates yet. I want her to wrap those long legs around me. I want to see that ass in reverse. etc. but I don't want to fuck with her recovery (or mine). I have this relationship with her as basically a wise friend or therapist when needed which may or may not be sexy. I shouldn't even be worried about what is sexy. She is a sex addict in recovery meaning I would be a shitty person to try and manipulate that. But I feel like she knows all of this and is also very wise herself. I am actually trying to be anti-flirtatious and anti-charismatic. And I don't think her touching was flirtatious... I was happy when she sat down next to me but also maybe dreaded it a little bit because I don't know how to act around her. The more I get to know her the more I want to spend time with her but she told me she isn't dating for 90 days and is abstinent from sex and I want to respect that. I guess just keep seeing her when I see her and try and find some other candidates to date. I want to be supportive of her recovery first and foremost she just put a spell on me that I can't seem to shake. Tinder sucks. For some reason I look at my Food Not Bomb comrades as comrades not potential dates. I need women to come into my life to shake me from this spell. Or just have a sexual relationship with the sorceress... This is why they say in AA that it should be the men with the men and the women with the women. I don't think it was a good idea for me to get that intimate with her the other day. I am not a therapist. I haven't taken any hippocratic oaths. I am just some guy who hasn't gotten laid in far too long and I have got plenty of issues of my own.
"You see, I learned how to win a little at a time. But finally I've learned this: if you're too careful, your whole life can become a fuckin' grind."
That quote from Rounders is hitting me so hard right now.
Despite last year being my best year so far, at this point in time I'm not sure if I 100% love this game or 100% hate it.
Keep grinding? meh, move up stakes or go home? fuck man.
I don't know. I was talking to a friend today who was struggling quite a bit. I remember when I was in early recovery I used to compulsively write journals and it got me through some sketchy times and suggested that she keep a journal. It got me thinking that journalling still gets me through some times so I'll write one. But I don't really feel an urgent need to get stuff down. That woman ended up sharing quite a bit to me on the walk back from the restaurant. I hope she can find some peace tonight. She thanked me for being her therapist for the night. I do what I can. That's really my mo these days. How can I be useful? She is a sex addict with 11 days with out sex and is going a little crazy. Part of me wants to be that guy that picks her up and we go back to her apartment and share some orgasms and more intimate conversation but for the better I am not that guy. It actually feels better to be there for someone who is struggling and suffering than the gratification of flirtations and fucking. We should all be in this together. Yeah, she would feel better getting some clitoral attention and vitamin D but I am not going to be that guy to fuck with her recovery. Not at the moment at least... No tellin' what tomorrow will bring.
Food Not Bombs was cool today too. I realized one of the people there is the first ze/zir person I've ever met. Ze is super cool. It feels weird and clunky to use these pronouns to be honest. Just takes some getting used to I suppose. The oven broke at the headquarters so we had to split up and cook the food at different peoples' homes. The only prep work was mincing up some garlic which I did pretty quickly so once we were at our comrade's house it was mostly just chilling and talking as the food cooked which was cool. These Food Not Bombs people are really my people. I'm so glad I jumped off the cliff and finally went.
The new job seems ok. So far I actually make more on slow days than I did at Whole Foods and I think I prefer the work over making pizzas all day and cleaning up. We will see.
We will see.
I wish I could write blogs like Mark Fisher but that is just like unreasonable I think. He may be the best blog writer I've ever come across. Really one of the best writers I've come across. I suppose just writing personal journals comes more easily to me. I don't know if I ever have the hankering to write essays supported with all sorts of sources. That takes a lot of work. I would know I'm a history major. On big projects I felt like I had to be an expert on every source and it was kind of maddening. Although typically to make an argument you just need to dig through the databases and library shelves to find the "correct" sources. Many sources are typically pretty easy to just throw out depending on the argument. Then the attention to detail needed with all the footnotes was always a pain in the ass. I don't feel that I missed out on not going into academia. Today was a good day. I just need to figure out how to structure my life so more of my days can be like today. It might start with moving from full time to 30ish hours or less if I can swing it. It could also start with doing a job that is actually useful. If I could find a NGO that suits me that doesn't have dubious donors I think that is the goal. There are so many things I'd rather do than work. Some may think that is laziness. I just think it should be normal. I'm sick of my labor being exploited. I'm sick of the way the oligarchy is structured. Like I had a dinner with my parents and family friends who were all boomers. I had to hold my tongue so much. It is appalling what they actually believe. I was angry. Mark Fisher says that political anger fends off depression but the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says that resentments will get me drunk. I think they are both right so it is a slippery slope. I am doing more work with unions with I am absolutely loving. I am one that believes in worker collectives rather than the government as being more effective for change. That's where the true power lies. Bernie is no savior but it certainly wouldn't hurt if he were in the White House.
I think that's about it. But I will say it again that everyone should check out Burial.
Why do I have this image on my phone? How did I come to acquire it? How did I find time to put in this many sessions while working full time and make more than double my income in less than a month?
Easy. Get lied and manipulated to by your own company to the point you have to let them call your bluff and just walk out the fucking door. Yeah thats right. Remember that offer of 52k I supposedly had? It was bullshit. It never materialized. Week after week I kept getting the run around on my actual start date with excuse after excuse about budgetary delays, finance department being slack, director of HR being on vacation, and on and on and on. I got sick of it, it was clear they were just trying to get a technician at a discount stringing me along for as long as I was willing to tolerate it, so I walked.
Yeah baby thats right, I told my boss I would be taking some time off and to get back to me when that offer is put in writing. I took my last 3k in my checking account and went to run it up, and run it up I did. Clearly my hourly is absurd, although funny thing is it didnt really feel like a heater. It wasnt like I was making boats and flushes nonstop. I just did what I always did, played a lot of TPTK type hands and iso'd with draws that hoped to build equity postflop. I mean when people are floating every cbet with ace high or bottom pair it's not like you have to do anything special to beat them, just hope your hands hold by the river.
So I ran up a 10k roll and then the inevitable happened. My company FINALLY fucking put an offer in writing. Thats right they let me go for 3 weeks without a peep before begging me to come back, but only because someone else quit. Is this really the kind of company I want to work for? The kind that would just ball faced lie to me to exploit me and only when they are pushed to the brink do they finally do the right thing?
To top it all off they REDUCED their initial offer! They said the best they could do was 50. I mean honestly how slimy do you have to be to offer someone 52 as a lie just to string them along for months and then when they tell you to fuck off you come back with an even lower offer bUt iT's Fo rEaLz tHiS TiMe Yo!
Siiiiiigggggghhhhhhh.... So I took it, because $130/hr is not sustainable at 2/5 and last time I tried to make a go at poker on a 10k roll I went busto. Or did I? I didnt lose my money, I just spent it. I upgraded every standard of my lifestyle so that I was living "paycheck to paycheck" as a poker player, only able to put in enough time to pay the bills. So I did the smart thing and took my 10k plus this job and moved back right? Well thats what I did. I write this from my own apartment that is embarrassingly devoid of any furnishings besides a King mattress I just bought, but I'm working on that. And now the grind is back on Monday-Friday.
I guess I'll just ignite the rest of my roll and get a couch and TV and stuff so I feel normal and can at least bring a girl home or something.
Feeling very conflicted.....I was back, back in the game. I was ready, and I just walked away.
It feels like this site needs some content. SO HERE I GO HO HO HO! Is this blog content or filler. There are no visible ads on the site. The quality of the content of this blog is surely up for debate.
Anyway, today was my last day at my last job. It was ok. I didn't get a break per usual in the mornings. I made a lot of pizzas. God I am sick of making pizzas. It felt nice walking out that door today. I had a meeting with the bosses after I was done. It went ok. They all thanked me a lot and I realized afterward I wasn't thankful myself. 2 of the people are or were chefs and they didn't really teach me anything. They both could have given me a break the last 2 days but didn't. I still like them though. I am just fault finding. They asked me out for a beer afterwards and I just coldly said "I don't drink." I realized later I could have offered up that I could have a sweet tea but I just coldly said "I don't drink." This shit probably doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. I probably won't care about this interaction in 1 year or 5 years. And honestly, I think I rather literally starve than go back to work there. Amazon is the fucking worst. The bureaucracy, the managerialism. They fucking put surveillance cameras in the break room. And it was getting worse by the day. Good fucking riddance. Now, I need to get super active in this Food and Beverage union organizing. My goal is to get a union into Whole Foods someday. Of course, it's easy to say this as I can no longer be fired there. So many things to do and I'm right into the next job. It sucks.
So, I hit the snooze button for 3 hours this morning. 3 fucking hours. So ridiculous. I got up in time to serve at Food Not Bombs though. Then I got invited to a DSA (Democratic Socialists of America) party. It was cool. There were a lot of people there. It was actually a little overwhelming. Most of the people there knew each other and I knew a handful somewhat. I like socialization but I am certainly not a social butterfly. There was also a conflict in which I was supposed to go to a labor meeting for the food and beverage industry but didn't receive any of the texts or I really don't even know what happened but I was down to go to that meeting. I was down to do whatever. I am trying to be friends with these people and am genuinely just trying to help. I believe in Food Not Bombs, I believe in Bernie for President, I believe in unions in the food and beverage industry. I am willing to spend my time on all of these things. It's a little frustrating to hit some snafus but it's only natural eh?
Anarchy exists today. Most of the people I was with were anarchists. We support Bernie out of harm reduction and perhaps a first step in Revolution. I think some anarchists can take it too far. I commented that it would be interesting to see Bernie's actual beliefs when he gets out of politics and she commented that his only opinions are what temperature to eat soup or what socks are comfortable and that the only value of Bernie in office is to drag him out of the office and shoot him in the head in the streets. I also got into an argument about ACAB with some people too. We were just getting into a good discussion when her girlfriend came in and she was cool too but it kind of killed the discussion. My position is that probably not all cops are bad. There position was that they are ALL complicit. Fair enough but also at the end of the day it is the structures in place that create all of this anyway. I will say there was this one time I forgot to close the garage door and the neighbors called the cops. They thought I was squatting at my parent's house. There were no guns drawn or any use of force. I simply got my id and they were on their way besides telling me to remember to close the garage door in an authoritative manner.
I would have liked to see more talk about praxis. Memes and this and that is only so entertaining. I don't know. I mostly just wrote postcards for the Bernie campaign and took it all in. As I said I'm not a social butterfly. There were a lot of people there I would like to spend more time with. So, again, it's just about being consistent and saying "yes" to things.
Art is great but I don't currently have any inspiration. I painted the most bright and beautiful woman that I have ever painted the other day and then I painted flowers blossoming, a river of blood, a rising son, and Japanese characters. I just like the aesthetic of the most right pink, blood red, and BLACK. Obv getting the right pink is the most important. It has more white than it than red that's for sure but not too much. It's just the most right pink.
I will go to Japan one day. I must. If I had the money I would fly to San Fransisco spend some time with some friends there. Hopefully, with one of the loves of my life. My God that red backless dress she wore the last time I saw her... No, that wasn't the last time I saw her but still... and one of my best friends. Fly to Hawaii because I've never been there and it seems up my alley. Fly to Tokyo to take that in, go to Kyoto, actually, aren't there people here who live in or have been to Japan? Maybe go to Seoul. Home of Byung Chul-Han, Bong Joon-Ho, and SlayerS_Boxer.
I painted a prototype the other day. Damn, that red backless dress is a prototype. I've had a crush on her since high school. There are women everywhere. I was sitting next to 4 women last night that I could reasonably date.
Japan, prototypes, Love...
And I'm so God damn broke. Probably in more ways than one. Fuck capitalism. My therapist says there is nothing holding me back as far as she knows. I don't think I'm withholding anything. Yeah, it seems like I have a pretty good grasp on my Bipolar I and alcoholism. I don't know man. I don't think a Doctor can really relate to what capitalism is like. My psychiatrist/therapist has admitted as much. Capitalism is great for them. They get paid well enough and have plenty of patients to keep them fat and happy. Capitalism chews the patients up and spits them out back in the Doctors' offices. And I sit here fantasizing about Japan and prototypes and Love while I'm heavily in medical debt. The Loser is me. The Winner is Capitalism, the Doctors, the Pharmaceutical companies, the Politicians that get money from the Pharmaceutical companies...... I have no choice really. At least it seems that way. I need the Doctors and the meds. The politicians can fuck off. The greedy CEOs can fuck off. Don't even get me started on the insurance companies. You want to talk about resentments? I got 'em. They say that resentments are the number 1 reason for relapse. Well, I'm full of them. I could probably type myself into a rage right now if I felt like it but I don't feel like it. I wish Food Not Bombs was tomorrow so I could get into this with all of them and have a good time. I am glad I have that as an outlet now. We can all rage against the machine a little bit and have a good time and make some food for some people.
One day I will give this website up. This blogging up. But I do like a lot of the people on here. Oh well. I think tonight I will probably spend the rest of my day with David Foster Wallace (RIP). Not a bad Valentine's Day. May we all live with grace because life is hard and death is so terribly final.
I've been dabbling with poker here and there for the past year and I probably need to take it a bit more seriously if I am going to see any positives coming out of poker. I've been making decent progress getting myself setup/organized, studying more, but I have a long way to go.
I live in New Jersey, so I have been playing StarsNJ on and off for the past year and put in ~30k hands. Since I have a job volume is difficult, but there is definitely room to improve in this area going forward. I have access to some pretty decent training content, which seems to be readily available these days. I have also decided to reinvest in a rented server and hope to become reasonably competent with Pio analysis this year.
Decided I'd make a quick blog post here so that I could get a bit more motivated with my goals.
I am going to make my initial set of goals fairly achievable so that I can build from it rather than set something unrealistic from the start
-8k hands / month (I realize this is low but given my setup I feel like this is a good starting point for me).
-devote time to Pio every week. I know this is vague, but i'm not even great with PIO yet. same thing with my volume goal being low at 8k hands, probably my PIO hand review goal will be something like 1-2 spots a day to start.
-get better with game selection, dont be in a rush to play higher stakes or battle regulars. exception for higher stakes (200nl and 500nl) is going to be when this huge whale sits in the daytime and I'm able to get a seat. otherwise, going to be focused on 50nl and 100nl for the time being.
-get better with using stats/databases/huds. this is an area i really suck at right now. currently using hem2 potentially switch to pokertracker or h2n.
I'm doing ok in other areas of my life (financial, fitness, learning, etc) probably the only thing lacking is socialization which I don't really have time for at the moment.
Anyway I guess that's it. Feel free to ask any questions.
I got a new job. Now I just need to put in my notice. The team leader works a different shift than me so I have to go in on my day off tomorrow. I so just want to go to Food Not Bombs and blow it off to another day but I have to do it tomorrow. Fun, fun, fun, we're having big fun. There's always something ya know? Then there is being the new guy at the job and the job being new. More fun. I think it's something that had to be done. For people wondering I don't think I'm going to disclose what the new job is yet. It's not higher status or higher paying than my current job but it isn't in culinary which I need to get away from. That's really it at the end of the day. I want to get away from culinary and don't see a future there. I also had and will continue to have for about 2 more weeks a bad experience with Amazon. They don't treat labor well. That's how they make so much money. They are greedy. I need to break ties with Jeff Besos as a master. The more I type the more I realize I need to get my ass in there and give notice and make it official.
Amazon really is a horrible place to work if you are labor though. I have a friend of a friend who works a white collar job there and apparently it is pretty awesome but for labor God no. It's probably the same at most corporations. Hopefully, I have found a situation that is tolerable. Hopefully, more than tolerable but I won't get my hopes up too high. Even NGOs are funded by entities. Is there no way out? No exit? Well, there is an exit but hiems would prefer I don't talk about it. So, I do the best I can. That's all I can do. And I pray for the day we can break up the oligarchy.