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I am an addict by RiKD, October 07


Just feel like letting one fly over here. I am an addict. I just ate 2 bars of orange dark chocolate because there was just not much else going on and I was uncomfortable with my self. The ticking of my blue switch mechanical keyboard brings me pleasure.

I have been feeling uncomfortable lately like I need help from a miracle worker therapist fast or I need to start going to AA meetings again. These are just other drugs and in reality I am screwed. I have noticed I have just been anxious lately and bored and there is no real shot of making friends and things are too cramped. I would make music but my nephew is sleeping. I can only think to come back to one of my major addictions. My blog on this website.

At this juncture I don't think it is wise to fight through USA Government Bureaucracy for a shot at some some slice of Social Security money. As far as I can tell I am pretty well medicated. About as good as I'll ever be. NEET life can be a rough life. It is time to try and do something.

I don't know if this blog is any different to a blog 4 years ago. Sad really. I can't seem to break through. What is there to break through?

Sovereignty. Money right. Girlfriend to be there.

Do we ever get to get off of our knees? Constantly worrying about stepping on the toes of the ones that feed?

I want to be as free as Richard Pryor,
Not running around with my hair on fire.

You know I saw my nigga Daut posting in the NFT thread the other day. I was like damn, that nigga is probably pretty free. Good for him. I know more or less what he has done and what he is doing. I am just not there. And there is a chance he is feeling just as lonely as me right as I type this and that may or may not be true. I have a case of the ennuí. Maybe it is gone later tonight, tomorrow, next week, who knows. The good thing is that my mind is not going to suicidal ideations or worse. It's a little little dark age.

I do not know how much I have to look forward to. People have been telling me to jot down gratitude lists for 7 years. I do not want to have anything to do with your God or your gratitude. I will fuck the newcomer with the fat ass when my parents are on vacation though... That's fucked up {that's fucked up}.

I just read a biography on David Foster Wallace and I would wager that he had a larger problem with depression than I have but sometimes I wonder if I really can make it out this existence without killing myself.

So, I have to get a job. Video Game Tester seems pretty good enough for me it's just a matter of if I have the magic find on or not. I am not even thinking in terms of anything really. As long as it pays more than disability it seems like a good enough deal. Even though I know that I need to look at situations where the output is greater than the input. Meaning I make 50 pizzas in a day and it's robotic hell and I get paid jack shit .... I just don't want to be in shitty job hell. But then I think about it and I am like well actually I need sovereignty, a money surplus, and a good girlfriend not just a neutral or bad girlfriend.... It seems like outside of my reality.

I have been grasping with this stuff for it seems like far too long. Like I just can't seem to get it. How hard is it to get a job, get an apartment, pay bills, get a girlfriend, and live the good life?

But maybe no one that I know is actually living the good life. There are certainly many that are awfully close it seems. Especially a lot of my former poker playing friends they are still torturing themselves over what the good life entails (including myself) when a lot of it is right before our eyes.

Yet, life is complicated. Needs, wants, boredom, entertainment. How to quell the craving, the striatum, the dopamine pump. I don't actually want to meditate for 4 hours a day and live a subdued life. There has to be some sort of alternative. I think that it is only getting worse for me and my generation and even worse for the generation before us.

Man, I tried wearing Tom Ford and sippin' Champagne. I just vomited it all up and ruined my clothes. Or fucked a Beyoncé and felt nothing. Lying awake all night like damn THAT pussy didn't put me to sleep? I still have some Tom Ford shades that I wear that looks awfully strange since I mostly dress like a homeless person these days.

Speed and deadmau5 can make me happy.

My cat Sebastien makes me happy.

That 2 bars of orange dark chocolate have apparently made me happy.

White tea makes me happy.

This keyboard makes me happy.

Holy shit I just made a gratitude list and it is dissolving the ennuí it seems.

But if I leave what is out there for me...

Time to find out.


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Actual Crossroads (non-dumb) by hiems, September 29


I'm considering making a move to a new city. I realized that I can switch companies doing the same thing I am doing now and relocate to an area with lower cost of living while making more $. I've been brainstorming places for a good month or so now, and the top contender is Dallas/FortWerth area. Other contenders were Houston but I figure I don't want to deal with hurricanes and the weather is slightly worse. Also the economy is more tied to oil idk if that is good or bad. Atlanta was another contender but just didn't have too many positives to beat out Dallas or Houston. Charlotte NC was also a consideration but then I realize RiKD lives there so that is obviously off the table. Aside from that though the Airport while being underrated for a smaller city, still has expensive/worse flights compared to major hubs like DAL/HOU.

I considered Vegas/San Diego but Vegas isn't great for me in terms of work probably and San Diego too expensive and too many liberals.

Anyway my financial projections are -- Currently making 85k maybe in a few years make 95k. By switching companies and moving would probably start at 95k and 115k/120kish in a few years. I've run some "Take home pay calculator" Sims and it seems like I'd earn between $200-$400 a week more with this other job. This accounts for the income tax I'd save by living in Texas.

The only thing that skews this is that I am still living at home with the parents LOL so that saves me a good 10k-15k TAXFREE minimum a year. T-a-x-f-r-e-e. That is like equivalent of making 13k-20k doing nothing. That is a pretty tough thing to beat.

Housing options living in Texas would be to monklife a craigslist room or buy a property and rent spare rooms out but IDK. There are houses in DFW suburbs that are 3bed 3bath for 250k and I could rent spare rooms out, but idk I'd be paying a hefty 3% in property taxes per year. Also furnishing a place so I can rent it out probably costs close to 10k at a minimum I am thinking.

edit: forgot to mention that my current setup is really easy. I'm making progress at the gym, getting better at guitar. There's a good chance I'd have to give those up by moving.

https://i.imgur.com/wkwWj2d.png


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Crossroads by RiKD, September 28


/userpoll/draw.php?poll_id=9128
Poll: Go on disability or Get a job?
(Vote): Disability
(Vote): Get a job you bum

+ reasoning


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Saturday Night Vibes (Music) by RiKD, September 26


I'm jonesin' for some D2R but parents are watching shows like Great British Baking Show so I can't get my fix.

Figured instead of going off talking to myself I'll DJ the Saturday night vibes:

































Can't top Amy. Can never top Amy.

Hope you enjoy. Bon appétit.




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D2R by RiKD, September 24


So, my family wanted to play d2r so I am playing on switch. Feels pretty filthy to lounge in a lounge chair whackin' creeps but it's kind of fun.

If anyone wants to play let's play.

I don't know how to start a friends list for b.net on switch though.


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Found part of the code by RiKD, September 20


I woke up late today but slept a pretty solid 10 hours. I can't remember the last time that happened not including being sedated on Trazadone. I was late for the Browns game (! PM EST) but who gives a shit right? I watch the Browns every Sunday with my family on Zoom. I woke up and had just enough time to make some coffee and have some avocado toast while they adjusted all the settings upstairs. Browns game was an ugly game but we won relatively decisively. Since then I have just been putting in rotating sessions on learning python, continuing to write a song on the guitar, and playing The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild. Before I knew it it was time to eat dinner. That time fucking flew by!

That is part of the code. Find things you can do that are some level of fun and some level of learning. I could just play good vidya for 4 hours or I could read a good book for 4 hours but I remember in high school they said to rotate the learning.

So:

Hour 1 = code
15 min. break
Hour 2 = guitar/voice
15 min. break
Hour 3 = TLOZ:BOTW
15. min. break

etc.

It may be hard to jam out to the song I'm making and then read a dry book on Biology. So, things have to be matched up intelligently.

I also think part of the code is just doing what you want to a degree. I remember one time I read a really good novel in 2 days because that's just what I did. On the other hand I would not want to do heroin and end up sleeping and shitting on the concrete.

One of the downsides of today is I have had let's say 6 hours of rotated flow. What happens when the fun stops?

Well, I feel empty and sad like I will never have a dopamine kick again in my life and seek out LP to hopefully remedy that.

I just want us all to have the keys to the good life. At this point going on a white tea iv and posting on LP is probably not ideal. It is not ideal. So, keep note of that to.

It's just so fun typing with my blue switch mechanical keyboard I don't ever want to stop typing and my Razer mouse is just as fun scrolling and clicking. WHAT I NEED IS A COMPUTER GAME TO FEED THE BEAST! I need $500 like a crackhead needs crack. I have calculated the $500 out to the best of my ability to build a kick ass pc. Honestly, this macbook pro could probably run WoW or SC2 but I don't want to touch either of those games with a ten foot poll. I almost could eke out Path of Exile or CS:GO or Dota 2 but in reality not even really that close.

EXERCISE - another key to life
SLEEP - another key to life
MEDITATION - another key to life
SOCIAL CONNECTION - another key to life
MONEY - Fuck, I need money to eat food and do things and seduce women into giving me enthusiastic blow jobs.


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pokemon cards by lostaccount, September 19


I start collecting pokemon cards again, feels like a kid again. nostalgia


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Soma by RiKD, September 17


My body distinct from the mind and soul.

+++++

Ever since coming off the Trazadone I have been sleeping pretty terribly. I think it was Cioran that called a bed a torture chamber. Writing may be the only thing that can get me through it until I get a sleep test and they are probably going to want to sell me a cpap machine. I really never wanted to go on a cpap machine but I am overfed and obese so that is what happens to fatties like me. The frustrating part being that my meds are mostly to blame for the weight gain. I just can't win.

+++++

So, there are at least 2 things that bring Byung-Chul Han some semblance of happiness. The first is fresh cooked rice in Japan. I've never been to Japan but I love the smell of fresh cooked rice. The second is learning to sing Winterreise by Schubert (in German) with a piano accompaniment. My mom is going to learn the piano part. The piece is over an hour long and I kind of want to be a baller and learn the whole thing but maybe I just pick a certain section that I really like.

+++++

If you like deadmau5 or a more techno'y take from him that hits pretty hard try:



+++++

Schön de Berlin



+++++

I can communicate and appreciate beauty better than most people I know. Especially when I am the right amount manic. The right amount grandiose and my synesthesia and sensitivity are not going haywire. I know I am least a little bit manic because I can't get enough damn quality sleep and I am crying listening to deadmau5, apparat, and massive attack. The sensitivity is dialed up. I've also had multiple near-death experiences. Nothing crazy where I was pronounced dead. I knew one woman who overdosed on heroin and woke up in a body bag... That is like super power near death experience. She is a super hero.

Has anyone here had a near-death experience and has it enhanced your abilities in life in any way?

My near-death experiences were mostly avoiding fatal car crashes by like 1 meter or 1 second. Those usually really jazzed me up for like a month but I still think they hold weight. The time I had like 40 glasses of wine in me and had a knife in my stomach but instead heated the knife up with a lighter and branded myself on my arm and hand was pretty fucking intense.

I think this is partly why Dostoevsky wrote so well, Shostakovich composed so well, I am thinking mostly Russians here because they have such great art and most of them went through so much shit.

I don't know. It is just a hypothesis I have based on the show The OA. I base everything on the show The OA. Brit Marling better be an angel from another dimension or my life plan might be screwed. Some Tik Tok dances are actually inter-dimensional rituals. Only someone with a trained eye can tell.

I don't care what anyone says. I saw the blue fairy in the blue lights. I think she is a bit of a trickster but has a lot of wisdom to share.

I am unsure if I follow Eros to untrodden paths or I come across untrodden paths and find Eros there. It could be both. Eros is not some static entity.

I suppose I continue to seek knowledge. I cannot think my way into untrodden paths or perhaps I can. I think that it is more of finding oneself on an untrodden path and not being too loud about it. No need to be coy but don't scare the birds. You never know when it will disappear below your feet and Eros will be gone until next time.

Until next time.

Schluss Tschüss


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Computer down. I repeat computer down. by RiKD, September 16


I had a 2009 Gateway Gaming Rig that I barely played any hands on but still easily made up for it in profits. Poker days lol. Since I liked my 2009 Macbook Pro more the Gateway was literally in a garbage bag collecting dust for 12 years until I finally put it to rest today. I got a USB wireless thing and connected to the router ok but the damn computer is so old it was not recognizing modern DNS if that is even possible? Meaning I could not go on any websites. The Gateway was running Vista 64-bit for crying out loud. I played one final game of Warcraft 3: The Frozen Throne and then it is customary for me to open the damn thing up and take it all apart and look at it one final time before I laid it to rest in the trash. I was hoping to mess around learning code on Microsoft. Microsoft 10 is $140 by the way. I was also looking to maybe get some gaming in but it was not meant to be.

Now, I am down to my 2009 17'' Macbook Pro which I adore but it was giving me the rainbow wheel of death 2 weeks ago and an iPhone 6 that is totally scuffed up. I keep knocking on wood that they will keep pulling it out day in and day out like champions.

I am done with Apple though. I would like to build my own desktop pc. I either want to go just enough to handle gaming or decide not to game and just go pretty bare bones. Ideally get a used laptop from someone trusted. I don't mind Mac OS and the esthétique but still I find Macs overpriced and Apple is going in the wrong direction in regards to security. I don't know about phone. My brother said there are $150 smart phones out now. I am not against going Shanzhai Chinese. I did for my blue switch mechanical keyboard and I love that thing. My mouse is USA Razer and I think I love that thing even more. But, since the reboot of the Gateway went South my beautiful, beautiful hardware is just sitting there unused.

Maybe some hardware and software nerds will find this interesting, maybe not.

Ideally, I have re-furbished laptop with ubuntu (great suggestion Jelle).

I hate microsoft but if I am building a pc for vidya and coding primarily then I would think it is microsoft > linux?

Linux would be better for my laptop that I would not game on and I could learn python for linux too.

I don't know.

Just a nukka that is way too amped and can't sleep at 1am.


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Nft by lostaccount, September 14


whose collecting atm?


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Abstract Art by hiems, September 13


https://i.imgur.com/P2ketTl.png

a true masterpiece.


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Still working on Lore Seeker by Jelle, September 13




come onnn show me some love


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The Myth of Sysiphus and us and us and us by RiKD, September 10


I realized something crazy today. In some regards I based my whole life on a documentary I saw 5+ years ago. The documentary was called Minimalism. There was one guy who was stressed out as a software engineer or whatever it was and he quit his job and worked part-time in a grocery store stocking produce or whatever it was. I thought that was brilliant. For some reason, I just disregarded the fact that this guy had $200,000 in a 401k and a down payment and small mortgage on a condo. I don't want to go through the journey. The Buddhism. The monk or the guy like me who could maybe go down to the river and make pottery so my mom and I don't starve. That minimalism never talks about the small hippie grocery getting bought out by Amazon and offering a small raise in return for twice the amount of work. No excuses. Keep up or hit the streets Jack!

Now, it seems like I am chasing after that software engineer job. Chasing after it only to acquire x (what is x?) – Will I get the $200,000 in my 401k and a down payment and small mortgage on a condo and go back to a hippie grocery part-time?

I don't know.

I like python. I am acclimating to python but what will I do with it?

It is easy to copy code. It is another thing to understand what is going on and then to write my own code.

My sister-in-law's mother is dying an excruciating death due to ALS. My brother will be staying with us starting Sunday. Hopefully, there will be some time to nerd out on some stuff maybe even get some gaming in. Hopefully, there will be some time for him to look at some of the projects I'm working on and help me a bit.

One of my best buddies is out in San Fran crushing it right now and the last thing he said to me was "Rich, get rich, get healthy. That is your mantra right now." Sometimes I feel like it's possible. Sometimes I feel like I am down and out. There are enough series of greatness in my life that have to amount for something right?

I think I first have to pick a good spot to get rich at. It's certainly not going to be grocery stores or restaurants unless they will give me equity for free. So, then, I think I am boned unless I learn how to code. I have no other ideas. I don't know how to optimize my "Skill Stack" or "Network." I am more or less a pretty grungy dude. I like good food and getting a nut every now and again. I don't want to sleep on concrete or shit on concrete as part of my day. Hmmmm, that's about it.




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Let us go. by RiKD, September 08


My parents have been negotiating the final stages of purchasing a house lately and all they can talk about is the same damn stuff over and over and over again. I am getting a taste how a lot of people may feel on here. Who is narcissistic enough to just continually write blogs and expect people to read them? Well, me. And, yeah, they can be pretty bleak sometimes. Over and over and over again.

Time to get honest:

I am getting fucking old. I am 37. That is why I am losing it and contemplating giving up. It's not that 37 is so bad it's just that it's all downhill from here. I can't play basketball anymore. I can't do a lot anymore.

I weighed 249 lbs at 6'2'' today at my doctor's appointment. That's pretty fat and it is starting to effect just about every aspect of my life.

I am not exactly sure how I am going to combat this. I think it starts with a plant-based whole food diet even though my doctor told me to reduce carbs like bread, potatoes and rice. That's ok he's a good PCP. My GI doctor told me plant-based whole food and all of my findings have always said plant-based whole food. The danger here is if I don't do anything right now I may get diabetes and I really don't want to starve myself and eat animal products for the rest of my life or get a shot or any other horrendous aspect of that.

I'm not sure how I'm going to train. I think I can still run. I think I can still swim. I think I can still ride a bike. I think I could probably do these things into my 50s. Yoga. My sister always tells me I should train for my mental health first.

I am terrible at goals. I have another GI doctor visit in the middle of November. That gives me 2 solid months to get after it and to see what I can do. One thing in my favor is that the weather outside should be getting less perilous and I can train outside all year round here.

I don't like the performance society.

I don't like the burnout society.

I don't like bare life (survival). Having no consideration for the good life but to pump up the health level and see who can have the oldest corpse is not for me. I don't really want to start loading up heart monitors and smart watches and eating gruel every day. We will see. We will see.


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RiKD by hiems, September 06


I think we should remove RiKD's green star.


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Samurai Cats by RiKD, September 03


I don't want to be that guy who narrates his life but fuck I am that guy that narrates his life. (It is perhaps damaging to me – I like hurting myself –

WELCOME

I have no community only long distance communication.

I had a dream last night that I was reborn into a modern samurai. My power is that I was very adept with the skills of a samurai and I had telepathic communication with cats. Then Contrapoints played with my penis. I was afraid to play with hers so I went to some un-named big box store and it turned out I had left a dead, green Dodge Caravan in the parking lot and they were upset with me. I didn't give a fuck but the last time that happened I was kidnapped by some Hispanic cartel. Luckily, this time I woke up.

The beauty of sleep. This wonderful other consciousness we can slip into and know nothing about. I think if I had 5 beers I would make out with Contrapoints. I don't know if I would fuck her in the ass. Who am I kidding? I totally would but I would be afraid to. The bro is still too strong in me. A penis is a lot more intimidating than a burgeoning clitoris a top a lovely vagina. I don't think I am capable of giving an enthusiastic blow job.

It is a lot of fun to be a superhero samurai with cat friends who gets hand jobs from women who still have a penis. She knew what she was doing.

It is certainly better than real life in which I am a negative - net - worth - broke dead - beat - bum. To global neoliberal capitalism I am in the "waste" category. They wish to make me feel ashamed and guilty and I FUCKING DO (!) even though in reality I am a by product of a failing society. It would be best for global neoliberal capitalism if I was even more ashamed and guilty and fully focused on exploiting myself to the benefit of capital. Or, if I was in jail. I throw around killing myself on here too much but it may be the only last laugh I'll ever get. Although I don't think I will be laughing pumped full of Ativan and a gas mask on my mouth. DEATH

DEATH DECAY DEGRADINGGG

I have a doctor's appointment in a week where he is going to want to get everything in order in regards to my liver aka my diseased liver. Maybe a good thing is that if there is just a spot of cancer on my liver they can probably operate on that (which I likely can't afford). I am holding true to my gumption that I do not want a new liver in my body. It will probably be good to have an honest conversation with the doctor.

DIE YOU ARE DYING YOU ARE GOING TO BE DEAD DEATH DEATH TO YOU AND ME AND US

Dunno if I out narcissism'd tutz.

Coming out of no where to just post pictures of your vanity I mean kid is pretty up there.

But, look at all of my blog posts. It is FAST communication. It is a narration of my life. I am the King of Narcissism. I am a poster boy for 21st century fuck up. How many times can global neoliberal capitalism eat me up and spit me out and eat me up and spit me out and eat me up and spit me out before I fucking die or do it myself or figure it out or kill myself. How long can I go on a run before I lose it all again and again? Torn and ripped and tattered and damaged. I am no hero and I am not a villain. I am reality. I AM REALITY! HEAR ME BELLOW! HEAR ME MOAN! HEAR ME SIGH! FEEL ME DIE!!!

(Never Forget. You will die. Bitch.)


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Became a father by tutz, September 02


Hey guys, I just recently became a father. My son's name is Francisco, and he is now almost 4 months old.

That's all

Hope you are all doing well

Here a few pics of him:

https://www.liquidpoker.net/user_pictures/70a7a6b1c617e19771e5674aa4854e48.jpg
https://www.liquidpoker.net/user_pictures/d5c8a079068c5c1e133616f64a4ab6f3.jpg
https://www.liquidpoker.net/user_pictures/c3c3a59b44525eddc33bbf358d076111.jpg
https://www.liquidpoker.net/user_pictures/b494a89457de6a1e7e00facb5ff43f7a.jpg
https://www.liquidpoker.net/user_pictures/452bfe3c93391e08fe7cb8d800788193.jpg


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Protect me from what I want by RiKD, August 28


I was at a museum with a Jenny Holzer exhibit and it peaked my interest. Google attributes Holzer with the quote "Protect me from what I want." Google also said that Picasso said that. I don't know. I always thought that it was Byung-Chul Han that said that.

I have been re-reading some of Han's work and it has been pleasing.

I still love his idea of work and leisure. Especially for the self achievement subject, the entrepreneur of the self, the "free" self-exploiter.

There is no leisure with work. A break from work is nothing but a period of time to rest so that even more work can be done. It's the same with the night off and the weekend. It's bloody the same with the Frenchman who takes August off for vacation.

I think I have probably had about 500 days away from work at this point. Not all of that leisure because even at the beginning there was a fear of going back to work. Then there was the fear of running out of money and having to go back to work. I think there was a sweet spot in there somewhere when I was released from the grips of work anxiety on both ends and it was quite lovely although we were also under the grips of Covid and isolation.

There was a Yale course I took that talked about the 5 things most needed to live a better life.

- sleep
- exercise
- human connection
- mindfulness
- gratitude

It seemed reasonable enough and it was backed up by some science.

Working hinders a lot of this stuff.

I think the key to what Han is saying is that any work and leisure is ruined. And, I really should be using the term wage labor instead of work. Many of us have a lot we would like to work on but do not have the time, focus, money.

I am just saying there was a sweet spot in Covid where I had plenty of money and my parents were afraid of catching it that I had some semblance of freedom. I would say I hit a period of leisure albeit leisure in the midsts of a pandemic that I really relish. Perhaps it has damaged some of my future opportunities in certain areas but it is not worth it to worry about. There is nothing to be done about it.

I want to be able to say "at my leisure" or "I would prefer not to" (Bartelby The Scrivener - Mellville). That is the power that I would like to have in my life. I don't know. I am unsure if guys like me ever accumulate "Fuck you" money. I just have to kind of bang around in the world and come across something that will keep me going. I have not touched python in 2 weeks. Python is certainly intriguing. This macbook pro is about to die and I do not plan on ever buying another Apple product ever again so I might start all over on my desktop. Then the question will be do I go Linux or Microsoft. I hate microsoft but I have never used Linux so it is sort of a dilemma unless Linux Ubuntu really is the shit.

+++++

I wish to have a good life not necessarily a long life.

+++++

A byproduct of Will to Power is exploitation whether that is self-exploitation or exploiting Others.


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Back in Radford, MA + other by RiKD, August 14


I'm back in Radford, MA. I went for a walk last night through the farms and got the great aromas of freshly cut grass and cow manure. I am serious. I would not want to wear it as a fragrance but if all I wanted was an isolated walk through the farms that's exactly the smell I want. I can't wait for the tried and true school walk + cemetery walk in a little bit. It makes me think about how to best educated the next generation and even how to educate my generation. Then I take a long, slow walk through a cemetery to contemplate and linger on death and life and death and how to live an authentic life.

It makes me think about how I want to just ride it out on this 1 liver. Whatever happens happens. I don't think I want to be a cyborg person but I am not convinced of this. Even if I get a transplant the prospects are not good.


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kimchi fries + capri sun by RiKD, August 10


kimchi fries + capri sun = FIRE!

+++++

Has anyone done CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy)?

I feel like there will be a fairly small subset of people who have done it.

I also think on here there will be a large crowd of people who are zero to a little bit fluent with CBT who will denigrate it.

Probably none of us have read any of the appropriate journals although I am very suspicious of psychology.

I got a new therapist yesterday and it was ok to talk to her. At least I don't want to fuck her like my last 2 psychiatrists. This therapist is going to push CBT onto me and I don't really know how I feel about that yet.


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