Poisoning all expensive filet mignon and red wine was just an idea. A provocative idea. Not a particularly practical idea.
Kalle Lasn of Adbusters advocates for a "True Cost." The "True Cost" of a fossil fuel burning car is not $35,000 but should be the total cost to ecology. I have no idea how this would actually get put into effect and the economists will never go for it but it is an idea.
I've had violent fantasies in my past but where I am today is somewhere between "resist not evil" meaning I don't even resort to violence in self-defense and resorting to violence in self-defense is ok. Then it goes on to the idea of is revolution self-defense against the tyrannical masters or is it something else?
I am in a better place though. "AdBusters" and "Manufacturing Consent" as well as "Meditations" are on my night stand currently being read. I've got a Jesus Christ, Gandhi, MLK, Mandela vibe going on in my room with paintings of Christ and statues of the Buddha to keep me company. I don't even really know what that last statement even means. I'm just surrounding myself with the right people is what I am trying to convey. Too many people to even mention. Too many books to read.
To be honest I think I may be a bit depressed. I don't feel like trimming my beard, taking a shower, brushing my teeth, getting some food. I'll eventually likely get to all of these things but I found myself in a bit of a reverie after reading AdBusters I thought I might flesh it out with some writing and thinking and writing and thinking.
I think we need all the ideas we can get if we want to avoid extinction or even just some fucked up mental dystopia. I agree with Peter Joesph that the mental dystopia will reach us first in about 50 years pretty much on the same timeline that the fish disappear. It's pretty much over at that point. The increase in suicides is yet another marker that shit ain't right. It will only increase if changes are not made. Part of me wants to say fuck it let's enjoy life while it lasts but number 1 I am not really enjoying life and number two the suffering of future generations weighs colossally on my heart. If it were the case that everyone takes a pill and goes into extinction hand in hand that is one thing but the next 200 years is going to be fucking brutal if we don't make some changes asap.
2020 and 2019 reflectionby Into Infinity, January 04
looking back at my previous post:
-break 1200 for bench/squat/diddly (hoping for 275 bench, 425 squat, 495 DL, current is 205/355/385, being pretty conservative on squat and DL post injury)
*donate $1/lb to a good charity. a couple of years ago when i first broke 1000 i donated to ALS.net, hoping to do something similar
-cut back down to 175 around june/july (current 195)
lol... not even close.
bench - 185
squat - regressed to 315, feels bad man
dead - 405
total miss, totaling around 900. bad year hampered by back injuries and cutting weight. haven't really dieted a whole lot but added a ton of cardio and cut down on my snacking. i felt like as the year went on, i stopped caring about pushing big numbers and more on explosiveness/flexibility
ended the year at a BW of 180.
-add 30k to taxable investments - currently putting 0 in 401k because i don't see myself staying long enough to get any vested amount (100% after 3 years). right now i'm currently putting in 900/check, this will have to be increased to 1250/check
probably a spew, added about 7k to BTC + about 30k to investments, but withdrew 10k from an expected break up with GF... ended up buying a JLC reverso with that money lol (also bought a speedmaster while i was in vegas for my birthday)
-play these at a decent level:
totally slacked on piano, shrug.
got a raise at work, which was nice. currently looking to move out of CA by the end of the year, but sucks because i'm probably priced out salary wise.
* actually put a decent effort into learning some statistics. feel like i'm probably capped out as far as technical skills go without learning hardcore R/python
* started playing poker again a little bit on ACR; played a small game with work people which i took down for about 800, made me want to play again. only playing micros, lets see if i can build a roll from scratch
I haven't blogged in a while. I'm back in the muck so figured I'd write about it. I had a lovely 9 day vacation to go see my family up North. I don't think I posted on here 1 time. It was great. Now, I'm back in the muck. I forgot how much wage slavery sucks. It's like "yup, here is my life now...." I sleep, I pass the time, I slave away. Fun stuff.
I read two important books over my break. "The Tree of Knowledge" by Humberto Maturana and Franciso Varela. The other was "The New Human Rights Movement" by Peter Joseph. God, I wish my job would be automated and I would get a UBI. I'm not convinced that would happen though. I saw something online today that the 2020s are going to be about wealth distribution or revolution. I hope so.
I just feel depressed. My life felt so free on vacation. There was rarely downtime. Now I'm back to this shit.
Jesus Christ and who knows what elseby RiKD, December 12
So, I have read "The Kingdom Of God Is Within Us" by Leo Tolstoy and re-read "The Gospels In Brief" by Leo Tolstoy and am in the kind of mood that the teachings of Jesus Christ may have "saved my life." I am not convinced though. I also feel like if I really learned systems thinking that might "save my life" too. It's this dichotomy of the spiritual and the scientific that has been a strong portion of my life ever since getting sober and changing my life. I want to fight the spiritual. I don't want to fight giving up the fleshly flesh and letting the Spirit flow and to basically love thy neighbor, love everyone and do good. The fleshly flesh as in the worldly the bodily pleasures. When Christ prays 2 times to God before he will be taken to be flogged, tortured, and left to die on the cross and finally prays a 3rd time "Father, let Thy will be done" I wish I could have that strength and lack of fear in death. I still don't understand fully why Jesus couldn't continue teaching somewhere else. I guess that makes for a worse story. Then after all the floggings and the torture and Jesus at his weakest point calls out "God, why hath you forsaken me!?" He is in the same position as all of us. If Jesus would have just learned some systems thinking and spread that message....
We are all God's children with the capacity to hold the Spirit within us and to be within the Spirit. Yet what kind of god would have created the world we currently live in? What kind of god would have created neoliberal capitalism? "Resist not evil" doesn't really get us too far or does it?
A friend of mine always says what kind of god would let children starve in Africa and allow bugs to eat their eyeballs? It's a fair point. I guess Christianity's point would be that they get into heaven at least. That's kind of fucked up. 5 years of starving and bugs eating your eyeballs but hey then it's eternal bliss. That would be one fucked up god.
I suppose I take what I've learned with me and keep moving. As much as I love Christ and I am not going to turn my back on Christ the Stoics and systems thinking is a key to the mystery of life. Christ is such a fucking baller though. The revolution is in kindness but I am not sure we overcome the systems with just kindness. I could be wrong though. If everyone stopped paying taxes and boycotted shitty corporations in the name of Christianity what could they do? That seems like a pipe dream though.
Another thing I never understood is the policy of "not being with women" before marriage yet how is one supposed to find someone suitable for marriage if one is basically supposed to avoid women before marriage?
After pissing away what Eminem might describe as "You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow, This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo!" I never recovered. From borderline homelessness to dead end jobs to uber shenanigans I was practically just waiting for an excuse to end it all. I had it all planned out, and we're talking some scary grizzly details involving the bullet train out of town if you know what I mean. Moved back home up north, finally landed an interview for a position paying barely over minimum wage and figured I'd treat it like an internship and hopefully prove my worth; if not well I'll have a few thousand saved up so I can take one last shot at poker.
But the job gamble paid off. They loved me, thanks in no small part to being wildly overqualified for the position thus making it appear as though I'm the best employee they've ever had in that role. And then something magical happened, they decided to make me a full time offer, and a rather decent one at that. They came in at 52k and I snap accepted (only a sucker takes the first offer so probably could have got like 55 out of it). But 52k, I mean... thats damn close to where I used to be honestly. I know the standard of living a 52k income brings you. It's comfortable. You basically have everything you need and then some. Nice apartment, nice car, nice clothes, plenty of food, insurance, bills paid, and some spending cash on the side for the ladies or hobbies or whatever.
It's almost a little depressing because it just means there's no way I can go back to poker, I'd be be set with this job. There's no way I should go back to poker, I mean wtf why bother? 52k is probably average income for a mediocre 2/5 grinder. A friend of mine popped 100k at this limit and was averaging 75k thereafter for 3 years, but he was definitely better than me and took it way more seriously studying all the time and always reading new books. Me? Pfft self-taught and whatever I learned from you guys here. But it goes beyond that. I'm really not too sad about it because I actually freaking love my job. It's a great trendy modern company, lots of perks, people bring their dogs to work, free fountain drinks, you can drink beer at your desk, etc. My coworkers are meme fanatics and my boss lives by the 7 dirty words so our office is a complete shitshow of language and misogyny. It's great and it's fun. The campus is so big there are bikes and golf carts laying around everywhere to hop into to get to the other side, so it has a kind of Google'esque feel to it. There's like 10 apartment communities within walking distance to a 15 minute bike ride to work, so the quality of work/life is just so money it feels good to be there.
I did take a trip to Jax over the weekend to play poker for the first time in a year and took home $1200. It felt great, it's gonna be hard letting this go. And maybe it wont be gone forever. Maybe my job will just be a stop gap to get back into the game, but this time properly rolled (as in 20-30k instead of the 10k I started with which was far too risky). Maybe poker will just be a hobby and I'll take the occasional trip to vegas or whatever and win a few K some months and lose a few K others and I'll just be that random tourist thats surprisingly good (for a tourist) but never takes the plunge. Or maybe I just lock it up at my current gig and take over my boss's job when he retires in 10 years, because honestly I'm a shoe in for his management position once he's done. I guess in a way all options are on the table. Job is great, poker is great.
I will say the lifestyle of a poker player came with certain complications, the most of which was maintaining healthy relationships with people. Sleeping in all day and living in the shadows of society is a pretty sub-optimal schedule for hanging out with people. Taking nights off to go clubbing always just makes you resent the loss of EV from sitting out at the tables! Every time I was on a Tinder date I would be thinking in the back of my head "screw getting laid, I could be grinding $40/hr right now". Not to mention the general societal implications; "hey mom and dad, this is my boyfriend he uh... he's an investment and equities analyst!" I actually had a cutie at a starbucks once walk away after a 30 minute chat she initiated when I finally revealed I played poker for a living lol. You could just see the disappointment in her eyes.
Anyway, it's going to be so fucking nice to finally have some normalcy in my life after what feels like an eternity of pure chaos. Till that day.....
Are you living antagonistically to your conscienceby RiKD, November 28
"And this is the only explanation of the dreadful intensity with which men of modern times strive to stupefy themselves, with spirits, tobacco, opium, cards, reading newspapers, traveling, and all kinds of spectacles and amusements. These pursuits are followed up as an important, serious business, And indeed they are a serious business. If there were no external means of dulling their sensibilities, half of mankind would shoot themselves without delay, for to live in opposition to one's reason is the most intolerable condition. And that is the condition of all men of the present day. All men of the modern would exist in a state of continual and flagrant antagonism between their conscience and their way of life. This antagonism is apparent in economic as well as political life. But most striking of all is the contradiction between the Christian law of brotherhood of men existing in the conscience and the necessity under which all men are placed by compulsory military service of being prepared for hatred and murder – of being at the same time Christian and a gladiator" – Leo Tolstoy
November 23 Year of The Cashmere Gown For Menby RiKD, November 24
Andddddddddddddddddddd........ I'm out of canvas.
I know I have been "spamming" blogs but it's more so nobody else posts shit.
I'm surprised no one commented on GQ trying to indoctrinate Male youths (and adults) into wearing gowns, anklets, and makeup (among other things). It was the "New Masculinity" issue. They have 1 woman, 1 black woman, 1 gay man, 1 straight man, 1 black man, 1 transgender man, 1 transgender female, 1 queer man, 1 queer female tuning in on what it means to be a man today and into the future................. Did I forget anybody? Yeah, I probably did. It's actually not a bad read to be honest. That doesn't mean you will see me wearing gowns, anklets, or fucking makeup. Not that there's anything wrong with that.... But fuck culture. Culture is not my god.
Does anyone have any experience with non-profits? I'm looking to join that sector asap and would appreciate any help.
I really got into a painting today it was a lot of fun. I think it is one of my best.
I guess I really don't have a lot to say at the moment.
I consume animal products. Loco was right. I can't sustain it. I had a donut with coffee this morning and it was great. English muffin with cream cheese. Pancakes. Ice cream. Cheese.
At least I am making strides with toiletries and clothing. I think I am running at 100% in those areas. I am still wearing leather belts because they are durable and last along time but I won't be purchasing anything leather hopefully ever again.
I have been going to AA meetings again just to get out of the house. They are ok. They are probably a good thing for my sanity especially if I see some friends.
I just saw a pre-workout drink marketed towards women. I just had an idea to start using products marketed towards women just to fucking do it. This product actually seemed just as decent as anything else. 100mg caffeine and 25g protein. It's probably whey protein however and I'd rather be on pea protein. I probably shouldn't be using any of the products marketed on an NFL show my dad left on if I can help it.
What would my blog be without some music?
Nitewin, I sat at the bar and ate lunch the other day by myself. It can feel a little awkward at times but at the end of the day it doesn't matter. I realize I don't even know if you like drinking. The thing is the bartender is typically very attuned to what is going on and they can lead the way.
I don't know if I have anything to say here it's just something that has been rattling around in my brain. I like my pancakes as simple as possible. I like my Italian food as simple as possible. Would it be so bad to have the church in the center of the town and family values being stressed? What if it was a progressive Unitarian type of church? What if it was a university with a strong philosophy department? What if it was a library?
There is a lot of wisdom coming from the Greeks. Hell, there is a lot of wisdom coming from the anarchic tribes of yestermillenia. There is a lot of facets of tradition that are problematic however. Racism, homophobia, sexism, animal rights, et al. Christianity is extremely problematic even though Jesus is a savior. Marriage and having children I am unsure on. The USA constitution was written by a bunch of rich, white males.
Burning and Dancing and Contemplating Lifeby RiKD, November 11
Do you want to get married?
Do you want to have children?
Is tradition important to you?
Are you happy with the status quo?
One day a scab is there. The next week it's gone. Unless it's a particularly bad wound. I will carry some scars until my grave. What about baggage? What about trauma?
I am somewhat ambivalent on marriage.
I think it would be nice to have a family.
I have an Italian cookbook that dates back in some cases to 1,000 years ago. Grandmother's grandmother's recipe type of deal. It is excellent. Yet, we should all be eating vegan and figuring out new cookbooks.
I don't see how anyone outside of the bourgeoise up to billionaires can be happy with the status quo.
So, I think I said my piece on "Culture." The evil billionaires are behind it all. And most of society eats it up (sometimes literally in the case of factory farming).
It makes me want to take some ecstasy with a bunch of people and dance to songs like this:
Or since I don't do ecstasy anymore I can educate myself. That's no small feat. It's easy to get lost in stuff. It's just easy to get lost in stuff in general.
Like work. I'd be lying if I said thoughts/worries of work tomorrow morning didn't encroach on my psyche. I know I can only face tomorrow with the reason I have in the present but that doesn't always keep the anxieties from blipping through. The anxieties help me do my job to a certain extent. It is what it is. It is a fact of my life. I need to make money to try and somehow keep up with medical bills and car expenses not to mention eating.
I guess this blog is just sort of same ole' same ole'. I went back and read through some old blogs because I was trying to find those hiking boots I coveted so much. Loco was right. I do use this blog as a surrogate but the thing is I use it because I have nothing else going on. If I were doing Tai Chi or out to dinner with friends I wouldn't be blogging. Although I tend to blog upon waking or before going to sleep. Get my thoughts out uninterrupted by the day. Although I don't think many people are all that interested in paragraphs of random thought. My therapist probably isn't either but she gets to be there and help me out and eat food and decide what clothes to wear.
I use this website as a replacement for real friendships. Not to say that there isn't a place for online friendships. There is just a difference to someone in my car talking to me, maybe even complaining about something and we can level and maybe even get some laughs out of it. There is a lot of stuff I want to talk about that I can't talk about with my mom.
DJ Tiesto - Adagio for Strings just came up in the playlist I am listening to. Holy shit I was like the perfect amount of high at the peak of that song LIVE in concert. That was like a 20 speed y vodka, 20 jote peak. Although the fact that I had 20 joints doesn't really matter I could have just had 1 at the right time. That concert went to like 6am. Actually, it was still going when we left at 6am. Sick life. We were staying at this hostel and I never even saw any of my roommates due to the fact that my hours were like 4pm - 8am.
I don't really know what I should do with what Nature has given me. It's not real clear at this point. And it's tough to live life in that position.
I am trying to learn game theory atm and came across this cool problem in my textbook:
You play a game where a fair coin is flipped until it comes up tails the first time. At that point the player wins $2^n, where n is the number of times the coin was flipped. How much should one be willing to pay for each game to still be +EV