Whoops, I completely forgot how to play for a month. I ran through most of my study content in August so come September I just stopped studying entirely and lost my way. My normal routine consisted of breakfast/study and then hitting the card room with poker on the brain. But last month I was just watching Broodwar matches while eating and chatting with my homies on the ride to the cardroom. Once seated I would be so checked out that I was operating on a very poor autopilot, never considering ranges and just playing by my gut. I'm rather astonished I let this happen. The result was an immediate $8500 self-induced downswing. I finally snapped out of it in the last week and brought my net to only -5000. I almost had to go back to my old job again. Luckily October has had a nice 3k upswing already and I'm totally dialed in studying again and keeping poker at the forefront of my brain on the commute & upon arrival to the card room.
I also completely disregarded any semblance of a poker schedule last month. I'd just wake up whenever and hit the card room whenever. But in August I was very disciplined about arriving early afternoon so I could catch the midday whales and the evening degens. I'm back on that schedule which I think is also already reflecting in my results.
Lastly I've decided to stop tracking results. I heard a fellow pro DGAF about results and just kinda keeps a mental tab on if he's winning month to month. At first I thought this sounded rather fishy but now I kinda like the idea, especially since I was beginning to obsess over every tiny detail about when/where/how long I play. Now I just bring chips, hope I have more than when I leave and watch my box grow with racks of chips. I think this will be much better for my mental health and will keep me focused on just playing well instead of maintaining some hourly figure or monthly goal that I cant control.
We have drifted into a new season: Fall. I have employment. I feel like Bojack running up the hill.
I ate a bunch of food when I got home tonight. The only thing I want to do these days is read Roberto Boloña. I have to let that food settle for a bit. I have to let my thoughts settle for a bit. I didn't eat so much food that it was straight up terrible emotional eating I was just hungry but regardless I have to let it all settle. Working a late shift is always a bit awkward with sleep and eating. At least I have tomorrow off. The job was really killing me. My body couldn't handle all the bending, twisting, turning, and reaching. I was taking Tylenol and doing my best to rest up. THERE IS NO REST ONLY REST FOR WORKING! I think I just need to continue taking it day by day. Tonight was honestly pretty slow it wasn't too bad. I didn't need to take Tylenol or lie down.
I am grateful to still be alive but I do not know if I would rather have not been born. There is something in life. A human soul. A human spirit. It would be a tragedy to extinguish that. That is where my mind wanders. There is not really much pleasure in this job. It's not some project that seems worthwhile. The fact that I am an essential worker doesn't really make it any better. The problem with suicide is it is so god damn violent. Even going up Canada to sit in one of those machines that gasses me to death in 30 seconds is terrifying to me. I wouldn't want my parents to walk in on me dead: Slit wrists or hanging or shotgun blast or whatever. Sometimes in my mind it's inevitable. Especially from these years from 40-55 or so.
At least I have Roberto Boloña and my dog and my cat and my family. The Solitude never happened because I was working. Trapped in an establishment dealing with customers all day is the opposite of a Solitude. I wrote 0 words. I did read a lot though. White Noise by Don Delillo and Freedom by Jonathan Franzen were pretty great. Roberto Boloña is better.
I'm just navigating through this early Autumn. The weather gets very pleasant down here at this time. I have a lot of things to be grateful for. It just never feels that way for me. At least I have a day off tomorrow. That is what I am living for. The fleeting days off. Which so far were so anxiety ridden and frazzled and fragmented. I am just hoping I will adapt to the job. It's such a big part of my life now it's kind of jolting and revolting. I am used to lying in bed reading all day, taking the dog for walks, and generally being pretty idle. It is difficult to let go of frantic speed for hours upon hours. I am hoping I will adapt to the job. I wish there was an andante lightswitch I could hit when I'm not on the clock. It's still rest for work no matter how one slices it. There is no escape, there is no avoidance. Unfortunately, it has to be done. Which it is the adult thing to do. Even though it is embarrassing I'm surrounded by kids. It's not like I dropped out of high school to play poker. I have a degree. I'm not a dummy or maybe I am. It probably wouldn't even bother me if I had some sort of progress in the arts. 2 unpublished novellas in 2 years seems like the opposite of productive although I try not to look at it in the light of production. Production is for factories. I just want to live. I just want to live.
Years ago I got help on this math problem from DrThundza. For those interested, it's time for me to tackle the problem using modern computer technology.
The first and most obvious solution is to use an annihilation matrix to eliminate one aspect of the data (which I already have). Then by using a simple intersection algorithm a polygon can be fit to the object.
time to chill a lot at home when it rains. just jamming to music now. I also realize I aint a winning poker player anymore so ill just set aside some weekly budget for my poker expense. losing like 2$ an hour now lol cuz im playing low stakes if I play higher I would lose faster. 10$ mystery bounty on ggpoker is beatable still for me but just playing the 3$ mystery bounty for fun now to kill time. sports betting im like -ev now too so I just do it for fun and not expect to win. this is gonna be a nice cozy fall for me. ive been investing in the metals accumulating nice and slow. as much as I can every month which isn't a lot but it still something. I also dont think I will be travelling anytime soon if ever again but its okay vancouver is such a nice city anyways I dont mind being here for the rest of my life.
also selling pokemon cards now since it rocket so much lately I think we gonna have a correction so im selling some of my graded cards. hope to get a nice roi on them if they sell. I don't enjoy the hobby as much but was fun while it lasted. my list of hobbies keeps dwindling so I gotta find some new hobbies or what the heck is a neet life with benefits but barely learning gonna do. what the heck am I gonna do to keep myself entertain for the rest of my life lol.
My friend Daniel Arfin who is a live pro in Las Vegas has been getting a podcast off the ground and was nice enough to have me on. He's had some good guests on in previous episodes too such as Mike Zulker who is currently on a tear in tournaments this year. If you guys want to know what's going on in online high stakes and get some value from some hand analysis then check it out and give a like to his channel.
Alright I done did it. Again. For the 3rd time I think. Quit the sales gig and went full-time at 2/5 once more. I definitely feel I have improved my game and look at poker through a new lens now. I find that if I just ask myself "what is his range?" at literally every single decision point in the hand things become a lot more clear. Thin value bets, bluffs, when to fold, and in particular what sizings to use. It's cute because I still struggle to ask this sometimes and just start rushing through the hand falling back on 'standard' lines like I have some sort of cheatsheet to poker.
I feel like up until now I have been brainwashed by "traditional" poker concepts, most notably any attempt to be "balanced". The biggest leak I currently have is repeated hero calling, but I notice after I make such blunders it was always because I forgot to ask those 4 magical words. It's always on the drive home that it becomes clear "of course he wasnt donking a missed flush draw on a bluff. He was donking the river because he wanted to make sure it didnt get checked through". Anyway, in the words of the great Mario Mario, "let's a goooo!!"
August results
10,000 (deleted screenshot since it was skewing page rendering)
I am just going to share where I am at. The most gangster thing I could have done would have been to never post again.
My parents went on a cruise for 3 weeks and I am alone. The only time I have left the house was to get groceries and medications. I thought this would be a time of great creativity. There is this idea that solitude breeds creative output. Unfortunately, that is not the case for me.
I am not Van Gogh.
I am not Einstein.
I am not Tesla.
I am not Gallileo.
I am not Nietzsche.
Sure, I played some guitar, I created music on Ableton, I did some paintings, I started on a story. It did not feel all that fruitful. I was happier giving the dog a walk and passed a lot of time watching Netflix/YouTube.
AA
I had a friend who was shaming me for not having a sponsor so I asked him to be my sponsor. He was shaming me for not going to meetings so I went to a meeting. I realized it had been 2 years since I had been to a meeting. I did not enjoy the meetings I went to so I have not gone to any more meetings. I realize I've had this weird relationsip with AA for a long time. It may or may not ever get resolved. It is one of those things that may just stay unresolved.
Music
I had made a few demos that I liked so I thought I would continue that momentum into solitude. Nope. I grew tired of the drums on Ableton. The drum tones generally suck especially compared to a live drum set. I don't have access to drums and can't play what I would want to record so drums are out. What I was really fixating on though was getting a bass. The bass tones on Ableton are shit. I created some of my own on a plug-in that I thought were groovy but that gets old and then to have to play them on a MIDI controller (keyboard) is bleh. I can't play the piano. I don't know music theory. My guitar playing is beginner level.
I am not Kevin Parker (Tame Impala)
I am not Dan Snaith (Caribou)
I am not Beethoven
I still want a bass but have no money. Similar to the time I wanted to downtune my guitar and get a fuzz guitar pedal and play Boris. What will be next?
Reading
I read Anti-Oedipus Schizophrenia and Capitalism by Deleuze and Guattari. That's a difficult fucking text! Quite thrilling to read though. Now, I am on A Thousand Plateaus by D & G (ATP). I have gotten some of the secondary sources. D & G suggest to read ATP like one would listen to a record. So, I just read some chapters and skimmed through it. I am not sure if I want to really dig into this one.
***
I am still trying to find myself. There is no such thing as authenticity. Only authority and advertising and trends (seduction). That still does not mean we cannot examine life and continue to examine life and ourselves. This life is a simulated blur. Some hours feel like days yet the days and weeks slip by.
I know I need a job to surive. I know I need a job for any chance at independence. I am not happy about being a parasitic incel loser but I take the actions of a parasitic incel loser. I am the sum of my actions.
I want to get to the point where I don't need anything but that is impossible. I need money. I don't need marriage, I don't need kids, I don't even need a girlfriend but I need money.
what I did while LP was down for me, quitting poker full time now after a massive downswing so ive been just enjoying nature n life. The NEET life with benefits and still learning etc, just doing some gardening and other little hobbies I have left. Online poker too tough now so many good players and bots its not worth it anymore unless u get into good games or something but I dont think moving forward its possible for me to grind out 30$ an hour. was making 5-6$ an hour for awhile so its just not worth it anymore but GL to the grinders who are still putting hours in.
I caught them bottom dealing cars from the bottom of the deck. We’re speaking in dealership terms of course. But we truly have run into a bit of a conundrum. I’ve learned you cant really make it entirely on your own, you need help. The top performers at the dealership have managers feeding them high-value prospects while the rest of us are more or less ‘relief pressure’ by gambling with the random customers who show up who may or may not buy anything. Current events have slaughtered our sales volume except for the top 3 salesmen who are ensured to hit their quoats to make 10k/month. The rest of us can get fucked.
Tried shottaking 2/5 again in my spare time but havent fared too well as of late. Also considering spending more time at 1/3 for convenience and comfort. Either way looking to make a move REAL SOON and get out of the rat race once again. Took off 5 days from work but couldnt make anything happen.
We are a simulated blur. We are tomorrow's dust. I am waiting for a friend to call me back and rifled through a whole bunch of stuff but then I found myself here again. I can only imagine how much time I have spent on this blog. It feels kind of right, right now. I am staying at my brother's house again. My mom has vertigo and my dad is operating on a bad back and two bad knees. They are getting old. I am getting old. I wonder what happens when I can't depend on my parents anymore. I need to grow up. I am not a rockstar. This is real life. As real as it can be. It is not imaginary. Even if the real has disappeared. I don't think my siblings will take care of me. There will be no one to take care of me.
I have been fully immersing myself in music. It is what makes me feel good. At least the initial burst of making something out of nothing. Finishing a song is rather tedius. I have access to a drum set and an electric guitar here which is lovely but obviously I can't jam out with the whole house asleep. The beauty of Ableton is I can take it wherever I go. I miss marijuana joints and red wine. You get a better jam and appreciation for music under that influence. I have to do everything stone cold sober and that can be a bummer. I am not a rockstar. I'm going to have to face the realities of life. I don't want to be a wino on the streets or in prison. One of my best friends just got out of prison. It sounds horrific and adjusting to life out of prison is not easy. I do see a therapist but music is my therapy. I mean obviously I care if it's shit. I don't want it to be shit but even if it is shit that's ok. Strikes and gutters. Those moments when you may be on to something is worth living for though. OK, back to chasing the dragon.
So I finally solved sales. I have it all figured out. There is nothing left to learn. Women want me, men want to be me. In all seriousness, all I’m trying to say is that I’ve finally begun making some money at it. I’m up $ 27k this year, with my best month being $9200. No shadiness, all pure ethical sales. I found my niche: building value in the product. Just eloquently explaining what makes XYZ car a good car to the point my customers get excited. It’s their #1 compliment about me, saying things like “I’ve never had a salesman like you before, that was really different”.
I’ve also dipped my toes back into the poker scene again. We’re playing 1/3 this time, but I’m up $2800 or so with about a $50/hourly over a meaningless sample. I have a 17k liferoll, so needless to say, it definitely feels better to play overrolled than under. The hours at the dealership are long, and I keep fantasizing about the freedom poker would give me, but I’m also self-aware enough to realize I stand a good chance of being irresponsible with that freedom just like last time.
The last bit of good news is I’ve finally left the motel and have a legitimate apartment. Since I lost everything, furnishings are sparse, and I’m going to make a good faith effort not to blow it all on anything extravagant. For instance, I picked up a mattress from Walmart today to give you an example of my frugality. Everything else will be piecemealed together from Facebook Marketplace. The neighborhood I landed in is like something out of a storybook. The street is encapsulated under a giant canopy of trees, creating stunning vistas and sounds of nature. The whole area just smells so green. Walking around at night, you are surrounded by the hiss of dimly lit gas lanterns burning away, casting an orange glow from afar. It’s enchanting. I live in one of the most primier areas of town that is literally walking distance to everything. It’s insane being able to just casually stroll about the neighborhood and stumble upon hidden coffee shops and bistros.
And the women, my god. There is so much eye candy I don’t know what to do with myself. It’s almost depressing in an odd way because I am surrounded by that which I cannot have, or at least probably won’t have. Nonetheless, I’ll find someone eventually, but for now I’m strictly focused on getting my apartment furnished and life back on track.
Sometimes I feel like intelligence is a huge geometric intersection of what everyone can understand. The more people included the smarter you are. In poker the narrative of skill breaks down from what older players find obvious to what is or isn't obvious to the competition at the time. I don't play much any more outside of a few traveling trips and online free sites. Today I think it would be really tough to re-experience the online poker world like it was in the early millennium.
The narrative of a poker game is quite exciting these days unlike when it was more mathematical or logical. Players are increasing their understanding of game psychology (when they're serious). There are a lot of unknowns in poker. I'd be happy if it was easier to play more, but it's not really an available feature at the moment.
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