Purpose, Identity, and Authenticityby RiKD, March 21
Purpose, identity, and authenticity are big words. I have to find a purpose or not I suppose. That's what THEY tell me. Who is THEY?
I have to find a purpose or not I suppose.
What is identity?
Everyone is always searching for authenticity. I don't think it can be gotten from the external. As Roderick says if I want to wear all black and go off to the beat poetry spots THEY'LL just start selling black t-shirts. What if my most authentic self is lying naked in my bed reading a novel?
Well, it probably is for that time but I don't want to do that all the damn day! And, then what novel am I reading and why? Did THEY tell me about the spine tingling novel I'm reading?
I eventually have to put on clothes. I gravitate towards the Fear of God sweatpants, the Issey Miyake t-shirt, and New Balance sneakers. Of course, I didn't know about these things when I was a baby or age 3. I've never met someone who even knows what Fear of God or Issey Miyake is. It was funny in high school we were all drones. At least the ones whose parents had money. Birkenstock sandals, Abercrombie and Fitch cargo pants, and Polo golf shirt from the outlet mall just outside of the city. I can remember that feeling of wanting to fuck everyone in the world. Probably, because I still get that feeling that I want to fuck everyone in the world.
PuertoRican is right though. I have to get myself to the Italian Coast or Japan or something.
Oh yeah, I started drawing again. Thanks to a friend continuing to give me the nudge. It's not painting but it's still pretty fun.
I went and saw some Rodin sculptures today too. First, time seeing them live outside of Paris. Meaning first time seeing a lot of them in a museum. I didn't go to the Rodin Museum in Paris but Paris is so gangster that they have Rodin sculptures scattered through out the city. They had some nice gardens there too. I love this time of year when the azaleas are in full vivid bloom.
I am 1 of 1. I don't have to try to be 1 of 1. I am 1 of 1. Nothing external will change that. I don't need anything to be authentic. It gets complicated because I am in this space with other people and I have to wear clothes. I really should engage in personal hygiene. It is wise to have hobbies and figuring out things to do. How many people have an active blog to a viewership of about 20 lurkers? HA! It gets more complicated when we start worrying about the advertisements and media and the lot of 'em try and tell us what will make us "cool," "well liked," "fuckable." The basis to that conundrum is to have a core of strong character and ethics. I think that is the play that truly wins. It allows me to be comfortable with myself and others. Even though as Trent Reznor says, "I will let you down, I will make you hurt." That is a scary feeling. A scary notion. It is true for probably everyone. Forgive me. I shit. I piss. I bleed.
On another tangent I was listening to the NIN live concert from after The Fragile but before With Teeth. All his fans love being called pigs. If you actually listen to the songs pig is a major pejorative and they just mindlessly cheer and cheer louder. A pig is a submissive little piggy that will eat shit and love it. Sorry, Mr. Reznor, kindly fuck off.
But, see this is what I am talking about. A whole crowd of humans cheering that they are submissive little piggies eating cum and rolling around in shit. THE HERD as Nietzsche would call it even though most NIN fans would probably think they are super edgy and authentic for listening to NIN. They are super edgy and different who obediently buy their NIN t-shirts and other merch manufactured by THEY TM. I don't identify as a pig but I do have a NIN shirt and NIN cds. "Shut up and buy" as Maynard says on "Hooker with a Penis."
It's really a mindfuck to get too caught up in our influences but I think we need to be vigilant in a way at staying away from the wrong influences. I am 1 of 1. That is something I can remember. I don't need any company to define me... but these Fear of God sweatpants are dope as fuck.... Issey Miyake is IT........ I am glad I can afford non-Goodwill clothing. I could of course go off and be a farmer in Thailand and wear thrift store clothes and build mud huts but I actually couldn't because I don't have the start-up money. Actually, I do have the start-up money I just don't want to risk it on that venture. No monastery will accept me because of my Bipolar 1. I don't have a lot of options and I think the options get smaller as I get older. I don't have to be in a witness protection program. I am not actually a witness whose life is in danger. I've just been living in my cocoon. I get validated at work. It would be nice to get validated outside of work. And, obviously, trust and intimacy only go so far at work too.
Now that my honest motives are knownby RiKD, March 12
Now that my honest motives are known or so I think they are.
I want to be a good person with a good soul.
I want to be able to live with myself.
I want a relationship with an Other.
I could go on Hinge but that is a responsibility. I have to get all the right pictures and all of that. I don't have one good picture on my phone. It's a lot of time and effort and if it fails it can really shake my confidence that I am slowly building up.
Well, at least it's profit. But honestly most of this month felt like a repeat of january. Just massive amounts of entitlement tilt losing with big hands. Some honest to god runbad mixed in there as well, preflop allin's with AA or sets getting cracked, that kind of thing. I did have my biggest session ever winning a 6k pot.
SB insta jams allin for 2900 lmao and shows QQ. I hold, praise be.
So even with that fat payday I manage to basically just lose it back 1k per day. Thing is I can hardly be proud of it because I only ran up the 3k sucking out. BB was on tilt just repeatedly jamming flops and getting called showing any two cards at times. I hit him 4 times in the span of an hour getting it in bad, but obviously I thought I was good. Stuff like calling it off with 88 on a 34T flop and he has KK. Or getting it in with bottom straight vs his turned top straight but hitting runner runner flush by the river. I dunno maybe I shouldnt dismiss these spots since with the way he was playing it seemed like easy calls.
I started watching some solver discussion videos from UpSwing and found the analysis to be rather interesting. I tried to apply some of it to my game but probably dont really know what im doing. The topics that really stuck with me though were range vs nut advantage and some overbetting. Got into some fun spots frustrating opponents.
Lastly I sort of gave up on any sort of poker schedule. I just play every day now whenever I feel like it. 3pm, 7pm, 2am, fuckin whenever. If I'm awake then I'll play. Probably not a very +EV strat but clearly it doesnt really matter with all the losses im suffering in general.
Random Life Update 2023 Versionby Svenman87, February 25
Long time no talk - hope everyone that reads this is doing well. I love randomly catching up with all of you from time to time via your blogs. Hard to believe my last update here was 2015.
Still with the same bank but have had about 4 lateral/promotions since my last update so things are going well on that aspect I suppose although I've been getting burned out a bit quicker in each new job I take. I'd say that's more on the employer end than anything else - all the teams I've been on have been hamstringed by being understaffed and as a result overworked (yay capitalism :D). Each CEO through my career seems to produce additional "profit" through somewhat artificial means by squeezing water out of a stone (not hiring back to full strength as well as stock buybacks).
Well that girlfriend in my previous post became my wife as of 2020 and we've since welcomed a beautiful girl, Astrid, into this world and look forward to meeting her sister in a few months. Fatherhood has been a massive change (for the better). My previous cold robotic demeanor completely melted into puddles since becoming a dad (50% of Bluey episodes get the waterworks going these days) - truly the most amazing/challenging/humbling opportunity I'm presented with each day.
Still play at least once a month live - Fixed Limit Holdem (8/16 Kill or 20/40) - Occasionally will play online via ACR.
I also passed the public service exam to become a Federal Auditor for the Federal Court of Accounts here in Brazil (equivalent to the GAO in the US or the National Audit Office in the UK). In 2021 I had passed the exam to become a Federal Agent for the Brazilian Federal Police, but when they called me for the job (it takes a few months between the exam and when they actually call for Police Academy Training), I refused to go and decided to keep studying to become a Federal Auditor. It worked out and now I'm waiting to start this new job.
I also started selling online courses teaching people how to pass exams for public service jobs here in Brazil, which is going great for me.
Currently living in a big farm, country side, in the northeast region of Brazil, at the feet of some beatiful mountains, surrounded by nature. Working from home.
I've been alright. I'm up to doing all of the duties of a proper manager and the pressure is on. I found myself immersed in an online shopping binge today / tonight. Feels like I'm backsliding a bit and it also feels like I've left no where to turn. AA is an accepting bunch though which is a good thing. The online shopping bender could also be a symptom that I am going a bit manic. Tough to tell at this stage. I really didn't want to be posting on here tbh but it is a last resort. Am I lacking spiritually? Whatever that means? I took a nice walk on the beach today and felt the breeze and watched the birds. I got in a lift. I went mental shopping online. If I had more going on I don't think I go quite as mental. As always I need connection / intimacy. Do I need a pink velvet double breasted blazer? Is that going to fill up the hole in my soul? Well, probably not.
The way out is through. When Trent Reznor's grandmom who raised him died he was shattered, depressed, stricken with writer's block. He realized the way out is through.
I recently got promoted to a manager position at the ole job. I realized today I should probably read something about management and leadership. There is a bit of a testing out period to see what I am going to be like. Today, everyone worked pretty hard and we got a lot done. In a way though I am not some high level executive at Google. I am a middle manager in retail. Something I NEVER ever thought I would be. I was avoiding it like the plague. The thing is I know most of the jobs are tedious. I've done them all to some degree in the whole store. One thing I think I can offer is some semblance of autonomy. To a degree I can offer mastery but who really gives a shit about master stocking and re-stocking product? I can't really offer them some purpose either. It's some place to be. It's typically not that bad but yeah the work is tedious and banal. We are just trying to sell more product so the CEO and shareholders are happy. I guess my job is to motivate and influence people to feel better about working.
I feel like some books would help me. It's a tricky one. I googled "Best management and leadership" books and the first one is from lifehack.com. Top 20 books in an article written by some self-anointed entrepreneur that... basically, who is this guy? I try Reddit. It's just a lot of noise and information travelling FAST. I just want one book that I can read pretty quickly to see what these people are saying. Hopefully, this book also cites other books that perhaps are worthwhile.
Does anyone have a book suggestion or if you have any management / leadership experience what are your 2c?
Shame....shame....shame! Not bad, not terrible... but actually horrible. It's hard to reflect on sessions of live play since you have no way to track hands, however I think I have found a few leaks in my play. Ignore the PLO stuff since that is literally just like 3 sessions and I have no idea what im doing.
#1 - Playing WAY too loose against the wrong players. I've been playing pretty robotically and not adjusting for who's at the table. I'll try to iso with A4o with reckless abandon and then own myself trying to bluff a reg off some connected board. This might work against passive fish who only came to play with 1 bullet but the guy with a fanny pack full of chips isnt calling to try and bink top pair on the river.
#2 - Bad game selection. There are plenty of regs in my cardroom but I'm not sure how many of them are actual pros. The problem is they are willing to at least try and play like one. I've been getting 3bet in & out of position a lot lately and when I'm raising all PP's, SC's and any 2 face cards I just turn into a huge preflop station donating $80 per call and then check/folding when I miss. I honestly need to just get off of these tables asap and stick to the easiest one's I can find.
#3 - Mild tilt. Not from bad beats but just opponents surprising me. Back to the aforementioned regs, several times they've shown me 1 card that was basically the nuts after I fold I guess to earn credit or 'be nice' to me, I dunno. Thing is they'll show a single 5 on a 55J flop. Great, you made trips, but you 3bet me with a five in your hand? Whats that all about, A5s? 55? 56s? It was jarring, so now that I recognize I'm being 3bet light (which I suspected) I dont really know what to do. I guess the appropriate strat is to either 4bet light or tighten up and trap? Either way I have not made any adjustments and just take my lashings and move on the next hand.
The tilt part is more like 'entitlement tilt'. I dont mind being exploited for playing in an exploitative manner, if my opponents recognize I just call 3bets OOP and check/fold then they are playing perfectly. But when I keep missing and they keep smashing the board with their random 3bets I start to get annoyed, not at them but just the fact that I'm completely whiffing flop after flop. Again, I imagine the best option for me here is to just find another table without any 3betting, and at a minimum just play tight and hope for the best.
So I finally done did it. I rolled up a stake, quit my job and went back to playing professionally. I came here with about 40k annnnnnnnnnnnd it's gone. Ok not that bad, but I'm down about 10k in my first couple of weeks, losing at a nice steady $200/hr.
It's been a combination of things
- Playing while sick
- Not enough recovery
- Actually got a little rusty
- Scared money
- Bad play
- Entitlement tilt
- Actual runbad
It's a strange emotional complex when you deliberately do something you know you shouldnt do. There have been so many times where I tried to bluff a river or hero call where I 100% knew the board favored my opponents range, but it's like I just "had to see" to make sure I was right so I paid it off. I was often surprised by their holdings, but I was still certainly beat. It got so bad I actually wrote some notes down in my phone to prep before and during each session saying to specifically STOP DOING THAT.
What's really weird though is I almost feel that I'm a little too comfortable with my roll, despite the fact it's down to 25k. It's almost like I need a little bit of pressure/risk aversion to stop playing like this. I am being way too cavalier with my 3bets because I can just reload too easily. You'd think playing 2/5 with a 25k life roll and losing $5k/week which basically means I have 1-2 months to live would be enough to keep me in line but NOPE. I still have this illusion that my bankroll is unlimited and I can just rebuy and adjust. Good news is I only bring 500BB's to the cardroom so thats my stoploss, I never hit the ATM.
In fact the only thing really keeping me going is I'm cordial with a couple of crushers who often have 500BB+ on the table and sometimes hear them lament how they're still stuck for the day. One of them even commented being down 10k in his 1st week of the year having done nothing wrong, just always running into the top end of opponent holdings. Thats the only thing giving me hope, that these guys have bigger swings than me so maybe im not doing all that bad.
In other news I have taken a small liking to PLO. I dont know anything about this game other than it's a drawing game, so make sure all of your cards are connected in some way. I slipped a few times trying to play for '2 types of hands', i.e. getting aggressive with something like AJ77 suited to the ace, with the idea being "i can make a set OR nfd!". From what I gather it doesnt really work that way, it's all about making big combo draws on the flop, so this game requires a remarkable amount of patience to get those suited rundown type setups. I think when you finally do land a semi-wrap with backdoor flush draw you're really supposed to go for it and ride the variance train because often your opponents are just completely dominated with their garbage 2 pair bottom straight draws. I've been watching players get it allin post with nothing more than a single overpair like KK and zero backdoor draws.
If anything the game is almost relaxing because it feels like you're really just playing your hand instead of being exploited in NLHE by players playing ranges. At the holdem tables I've been owned a few times with relentless 3betting and 4betting where I just felt completely targeted and had no idea what to do and decided to leave the table.
Anyway I'll see how long it takes for me to start listening to my own advice and stop trying to 3 barrel when the flush or ace gets there, and stop hero calling with 2nd pair because "how am I beat?" because you just are, you're always beat when they bet.
It's the new year. I got 1 strength training session in. I am not relatively strong but I gave it hell. I've mostly been playing Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare II Campaign recently. Really gets the Transcendence and flow going. I'm turning into some bro. CoD and Swole bro. It makes me think about things though. I am vicariously trying to be this special forces person. The mission when I was virtually a drone and airstrike guy I started tearing people up with the 25mm and 40mm ammo and dropping missiles on gas stations and schools and had fun doing it. I think this is why the Army recruiters were selling me that I could come down to the recruiting center and play CoD with the boys whenever I wanted. I wonder how much involvement the military has in the making of these games.
That's something to live for. Not dying in war.
I have to say I feel pretty good after my first training sesh. We will see how I feel tomorrow. I just have to make it a habit because it's just so incredibly good for mental health and confidence.
It's one piece of being a Viking in real life unlike Valheim where I am a keyboard and mouse warrior...
I am sitting here alone listening to the blues and posting on LP. I could say something like I would not rather be anywhere else but obviously that is silly. Certainly, around this time is a time for reflection and a time for strategizing. My New Year's Resolution is Talk is Cheap Mother Fucker! Progress is the only thing that matters.
I feel that it is time to abandon the Looks or Game Part II blog / thread. I am just gaming nowadays anyways. I am gaming a lot. Probably, Valheim, Hades, Slay the Spire, Ori and the Will of the Wisps, Tetris, Elden Ring, Red Dead Redemption, World of Warcraft, Diablo II... in that order. That seems like kind of a lot of stuff to be playing. I am playing my guitar too. Un-rustifying myself. I think my teacher was surprised where I was at last week since I said I kind of fell off over the holidays. But, it turns out just practicing the fundamentals for a while is good practice and I hit it a bit harder these last 2 weeks. I am currently playing Heavy Soul by The Black Keys.
That's it I guess. Work is going fine. I run into problems when I want something more than just gaming but I can typically blot out the consciousness with the selection of games I have going. I don't know if it's that much different from getting stoned or blasted on wine and cognac or whiskey. Except my liver is thankful. If gaming is what I need to do to stay clean / sober and not lose my mind I'm not too concerned by it. Kind of similar to these blog posts.
It's kind of crazy how Christmas snuck up on me this year. It seems like just yesterday I was starting out at this job which is almost a year ago. Before we know it it will be the New Year and time for more reflection. No partying for me this year and I am not even going to try. Just some peace and quiet finally. Imagine if I put myself up to some challenges in real life as I do in the video games?