I consume animal products. Loco was right. I can't sustain it. I had a donut with coffee this morning and it was great. English muffin with cream cheese. Pancakes. Ice cream. Cheese.
At least I am making strides with toiletries and clothing. I think I am running at 100% in those areas. I am still wearing leather belts because they are durable and last along time but I won't be purchasing anything leather hopefully ever again.
I have been going to AA meetings again just to get out of the house. They are ok. They are probably a good thing for my sanity especially if I see some friends.
I just saw a pre-workout drink marketed towards women. I just had an idea to start using products marketed towards women just to fucking do it. This product actually seemed just as decent as anything else. 100mg caffeine and 25g protein. It's probably whey protein however and I'd rather be on pea protein. I probably shouldn't be using any of the products marketed on an NFL show my dad left on if I can help it.
What would my blog be without some music?
Nitewin, I sat at the bar and ate lunch the other day by myself. It can feel a little awkward at times but at the end of the day it doesn't matter. I realize I don't even know if you like drinking. The thing is the bartender is typically very attuned to what is going on and they can lead the way.
I don't know if I have anything to say here it's just something that has been rattling around in my brain. I like my pancakes as simple as possible. I like my Italian food as simple as possible. Would it be so bad to have the church in the center of the town and family values being stressed? What if it was a progressive Unitarian type of church? What if it was a university with a strong philosophy department? What if it was a library?
There is a lot of wisdom coming from the Greeks. Hell, there is a lot of wisdom coming from the anarchic tribes of yestermillenia. There is a lot of facets of tradition that are problematic however. Racism, homophobia, sexism, animal rights, et al. Christianity is extremely problematic even though Jesus is a savior. Marriage and having children I am unsure on. The USA constitution was written by a bunch of rich, white males.
Burning and Dancing and Contemplating Lifeby RiKD, November 11
Do you want to get married?
Do you want to have children?
Is tradition important to you?
Are you happy with the status quo?
One day a scab is there. The next week it's gone. Unless it's a particularly bad wound. I will carry some scars until my grave. What about baggage? What about trauma?
I am somewhat ambivalent on marriage.
I think it would be nice to have a family.
I have an Italian cookbook that dates back in some cases to 1,000 years ago. Grandmother's grandmother's recipe type of deal. It is excellent. Yet, we should all be eating vegan and figuring out new cookbooks.
I don't see how anyone outside of the bourgeoise up to billionaires can be happy with the status quo.
So, I think I said my piece on "Culture." The evil billionaires are behind it all. And most of society eats it up (sometimes literally in the case of factory farming).
It makes me want to take some ecstasy with a bunch of people and dance to songs like this:
Or since I don't do ecstasy anymore I can educate myself. That's no small feat. It's easy to get lost in stuff. It's just easy to get lost in stuff in general.
Like work. I'd be lying if I said thoughts/worries of work tomorrow morning didn't encroach on my psyche. I know I can only face tomorrow with the reason I have in the present but that doesn't always keep the anxieties from blipping through. The anxieties help me do my job to a certain extent. It is what it is. It is a fact of my life. I need to make money to try and somehow keep up with medical bills and car expenses not to mention eating.
I guess this blog is just sort of same ole' same ole'. I went back and read through some old blogs because I was trying to find those hiking boots I coveted so much. Loco was right. I do use this blog as a surrogate but the thing is I use it because I have nothing else going on. If I were doing Tai Chi or out to dinner with friends I wouldn't be blogging. Although I tend to blog upon waking or before going to sleep. Get my thoughts out uninterrupted by the day. Although I don't think many people are all that interested in paragraphs of random thought. My therapist probably isn't either but she gets to be there and help me out and eat food and decide what clothes to wear.
I use this website as a replacement for real friendships. Not to say that there isn't a place for online friendships. There is just a difference to someone in my car talking to me, maybe even complaining about something and we can level and maybe even get some laughs out of it. There is a lot of stuff I want to talk about that I can't talk about with my mom.
DJ Tiesto - Adagio for Strings just came up in the playlist I am listening to. Holy shit I was like the perfect amount of high at the peak of that song LIVE in concert. That was like a 20 speed y vodka, 20 jote peak. Although the fact that I had 20 joints doesn't really matter I could have just had 1 at the right time. That concert went to like 6am. Actually, it was still going when we left at 6am. Sick life. We were staying at this hostel and I never even saw any of my roommates due to the fact that my hours were like 4pm - 8am.
I don't really know what I should do with what Nature has given me. It's not real clear at this point. And it's tough to live life in that position.
I am trying to learn game theory atm and came across this cool problem in my textbook:
You play a game where a fair coin is flipped until it comes up tails the first time. At that point the player wins $2^n, where n is the number of times the coin was flipped. How much should one be willing to pay for each game to still be +EV
Fuck fashion. Fuck social media. Fuck it all. Fuck capitalism.
Yet, I am still on Tinder. I found out the other day that they found out that the "swipe right" motion creates a dopamine hit. Angry Birds, Tinder, Instagram.....
I'm close to going straight up born again. Except the stoic approach seems so much more rational than prayer. Jesus is the fucking man though. I want to start my own Church but I'm not qualified. I just want to be a part of it. It would probably be like a Unitarian Church but with great music. Actually, that probably already exists in my city.
I go back and forth between "Meditations" by Marcus Aurelius and "The Kingdom of God Is Within Us" by Leo Tolstoy.
Here are Tolstoy's Five Christ Commandments:
1. “Be at peace with all men, and never consider your anger as just. Never look upon any man as worthless or a fool, neither call him such. Not only shall you never think yourself justified in your anger, but also you shall never consider your brother’s anger as causeless; and therefore, if there is one who is angry with you, even if it is without cause, go and be reconciled to him before praying. Endeavor to destroy all enmity between yourself and others, that their enmity may not grow and destroy you.” Matthew 5:21-26
2. “Take no pleasure in concupiscence; let each man, if he is not a eunuch, have a wife and each woman a husband; let a man have but one wife, and woman one husband, and let them never under any pretext whatever dissolve their union.” Matthew 5:32
3. “Never take an oath under any circumstances. Every oath is extorted from men for evil.” Matthew 5: 33-37
4. “Never resist evil by violence; never return violence for violence. If anyone strikes your, bear it; it anyone takes away what is yours, let him have it; if anyone makes you labor, do so; if anyone wants to have what you consider to be your own, give it up to him.” Matthew 5: 38-42
5. “Never consider men of another nation as your enemies; look upon all men as you do toward your fellow-country men; therefore you shall not kill those whom you call your enemies; love all and do good to all.” Matthew 5:43-48
I think after a cursory view life would be happier following these principles. I think resist not evil is the most controversial. I would hope we could discuss it here.
But in a way I can't argue with the likes of Zeno, Seneca, Epictetus, Marcus Aurelius. That feels more natural. I almost wish I could have some delusional trust in God. This "Grace" that comes with putting everything into God. God as Father, God as Employer.... No fear except fear of God. I mean.... I used to love loving-kindness meditations. I could see prayer being similar to that. I could probably write less blog posts if I prayed. But I don't actually believe that God is out there somewhere listening to my prayers.
I'm just trying to be me. In this crazy world. This crazy fucking universe. Is that an impossible task? Culture is not my God. Fuck culture. A bunch of white males sitting on billions of dollars. That's who creates culture. Culture is not my God. Yet, I have tattoos and wear Tommy Bahama shorts and Bread and Boxer shirts. I read about it in a magazine. Fuck magazines. Fuck Conde Naste Traveler. I'm swiping right with all the rest of the sad lot. I try to shop at Goodwill but there is just nothing really there. Trying to be me. Trying to shop at Goodwill. A lot of trying going on. There is no try only do or do not. Culture is not my God. Fuck Culture. Let me move out to Montana on a bunch of acres like Gogol's Nose. I wonder what ever happened to Gogol's Nose?
You have to have capital to do a lot in this world. I almost feel like my employer's health insurance is a scam to keep me in medical debt so I have to keep working. How the hell am I going to get out to Montana or Wyoming?
Sometimes I think I either need to become a minister or an artist. Van Gogh did both and still shot himself in the chest. It's stories like that that make me wonder if there is a way out for me. I mean I'm not getting out of this alive but maybe it would be nice to have a family or maybe not. Who the fuck knows. Some people to drink coffee with and talk. One thing about going born again is I will be the darling of all the AA circles.... I just want to study butterflies. Be in awe of their beauty.
Culture is not my God. But it still controls me to a degree. I think the less culture controls me the better off I am. If I can find others. Being an isolated recluse is not a whole lot of fun. I don't favor a solitary life that is just how the cookie has crumbled. That's the dichotomy here. If I renounce culture then in a way I renounce contemporary people. The other culture-less recluses and I will never meet.
I love this song:
I don't have internet right now but it is:
"Just Let Me Dance" - Scandal (Maxxi Soundsystem Remix)
I would like to dance more. I am not quite sure how to accomplish this.
The first time I heard this song was on an Avicci podcast way back when. Maybe like 2010. That suicide definitely resonated with me because he seemed to have a pretty good life. Also, if I am not mistaken he slit his wrists with a broken wine bottle which is definitely a way I would do it. I thought about doing that late in my drinking career all sprawled out on the couch miserable the alcohol no longer having its desired effect. You get angry. Smash a bottle on the ground and cut some arteries sounds like a great plan.
There is a difference between someone who has 2 months to live and is bed ridden with horrible pain and someone like Avicci. It doesn't matter if the latter is currently in bad experience. No experience is not better if it annihilates.
I never really said it yet but capital and capitalism is behind it all. Capital and capitalism is not my God.
Who is my God?
Fuck if I know.
Spiritual progression I would say has been fruitful. A conglomerate of spirituality to hold off the conglomerate of neoliberal capitalism. There will always be darkness in the world. Suffering, pain, misery. It feels like I am getting close to the answer. But I'm not sure there is an answer. And it is also a very individualistic thing but also the overall practice in general could be one size fits all perhaps. Meaning the problem may look simple but it is actually very complicated. And the answer could be simplified but it can't be simplified to get a true answer. I haven't come across the answer yet. I don't believe in Utopia. Hell, we are all doomed sooner than later. Climate change is coming. I need help. I really do. With more than 1 thing. With a lot of things. I just think if we can mix like the wisdom of the stoics with Jesus and "God" we are onto something. Not to forget the Taoists, Buddhists, Existentialists. It can all kind of go together. Mixing Jesus with Nietzsche? I want to be like a progressive Christian edgelord that takes into account all sources not just the piece of shit Bible.
I have a bad cold and it sucks. I slept most of the day today and my AC is bust. I just had a bomb ass pho though and I am feeling a bit better. I was the only customer in the Vietnamese place nearby until an attractive Asian around my age came in as well and ordered the same thing as me. So, we were both sat in the empty restaurant eating our pho. I feel like that is a spot if any to make a play. I didn't though. I just got completely immersed in my pho, emptied the bowl, said thanks to the staff and left. I caught her checking me out as I walked by. I'll never see her at the bars. I'll never see her anywhere except for maybe at that restaurant. I am not social. I don't go anywhere consistently to socialize. I am a social animal though. It's tough.
I haven't really felt like doing anything but you gotta pass the time no? I bit a decent chunk out of Mark Fisher's blog posts. Fucking awesome. I slogged through some Baudrillard. I am thinking about quitting that book. He is some parts brilliant but other parts repetitive yet all over the place. Not completely incomprehensible but definitely a dense read. I like just having Mark Fisher's blogs around to jump in and devour them at will similar to having Infinite Jest around although they serve different purposes. Besides those two which I will have around and read and re-read I am currently lacking that book that I am really excited about reading. All the stuff on my bookshelf and all the stuff in my Goodreads hasn't really been calling my name either. Byung-Chul Han has a new book but I haven't even read "What is Power?" yet. "Political Philosophy of Post-Structural Anarchism" by Todd May may be the one.
I wish I wanted to paint. Not yet. I feel crummy. Crummy that I don't want to read textbooks right now or paint or do much of anything. Maybe I'll watch ContraPoints latest installment. Ruhhharrrggghhh. That's how I feel.
I suppose I am not miserable or depressed. Perhaps disengaged or alienated. I am not sure how to fix this. I have my books but I don't always feel like reading. I am currently slogging through a Todd May book where he is thinking about how to counter Camus' silent universe. It's not really all that convincing or enjoyable to read. Of course, I am re-reading "Infinite Jest" like I mention at every opportunity which is fantastic. I'm so smart for reading such a long, complicated book. I think it's more I am just so excited about this piece of literature I just want to talk about it and have no one to discuss it with.
One thing Todd May talks about is thinking deeper which means thinking slower. I am not even sure if I know what that means but I know it probably doesn't mean to scarf it down mindlessly like one would a Big Mac, Coke, and french fries. One has to linger, give it some time. As Byung-Chul Han would discuss there can be a scent to time. Let it breathe. Let it linger. Both Byung-Chul Han and Aristotle say the greatest good is to linger contemplatively. I don't know if we need to go that far. But there is certainly value there especially if one is contemplating things anyway.
I have been thinking a lot about what would bring me more joy? What would engage me in life? What would make me feel less alienated?
Friends is probably the first choice. Or just connection to people. God, we have certainly been through this before......
My therapist suggested that I try online dating. I told her I had no interest in Tinder. She was saying as we get older with the things we are avoiding the circuits in the brain get stronger and it becomes more and more difficult to expose ourself to the stimuli. I believe that dating and making friends gets more difficult as we get older to boot. So, I am kind of up against a lot. She was like fuck that just trial it out and see what happens. Dance with life!
Does anyone on here have experience with non Tinder/Bumble dating sites? I've heard of OKCupid. That's the only one that comes to mind.
I talked about how when I had any success in dating I had money, status, and was drinking a lot in my twenties. Now, I am a poor, sober leftist nobody 35 year old. I am attracted to the 24-28 hot little numbers even if in most cases we wouldn't be very compatible. I need a certain level of beauty. At least it feels that way. And that's not just tied into some 28 year old blonde with big tits. I just have to find some beauty in the person. Many times that's hard to do with just a profile to look at.
All the women I have slept with or dated had a certain beauty to them. I don't know where I stand today. Like, if I have to settle and date fat women, single moms, cougars. In today's late stage capitalism with many following suit I am a bit of a leper. I am not "supposed" to be in medical debt living with my parents. And it doesn't seem fair. I live a morally good life but perhaps not a meaningful life and I wouldn't say I live a beautiful life. When I am painting I live a beautiful life. When I am contemplating philosophy I am living a beautiful life. My life would certainly be more exciting if I were dating. Oh well, I am eating dinner soon. I will certainly continue to think deeply or rather think slowly on these topics. To linger contemplatively. Vida contemplativa . It's the only way I know.
So, I am reading this book "Death (The Art of Living)" by Todd May. There are some points I would like to discuss. May posits that Epicurus doesn't get it entirely right. There is more to life than just pleasure and pain. There are also projects. There are also "other" like the author taking an afternoon nap and waking up to trees and blue sky outside of his window and the joyful and wistful feelings that bring. There can also be contributing to the Other but May actually disagrees and says that contributing to the Other is inherently meaningless because life itself is meaningless. It is akin to sharing food with someone on a sinking ship. This is where I think May is wrong. He isn't wrong that life is inherently meaningless but maybe just maybe community and contributing to the Other is one of the only things we have. If there were "meaning" in this life that would be it.
I had sex change. Now I'm female body.
I'm looking for heroin to end my life.
I experience endless abuse in relationships, corrupted consciousness, racism, sexism, sexploitation consciousness. And real evil.
I think heroin is a good option. What do you think?
It feels like I haven't blogged in a while. Even though my blogs litter the LP blogosphere.
Hurricane Dorian is coming for my county. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. The governor has declared mandatory evacuations. *Shrug* I suppose I'll gather more information and make a more accurate decision hopefully before it's too late.
I discovered Charlie Z last night. At first I wanted to see him get his ass beat but then I realized the guy has serious mental illness and wanted to do an intervention.
I have been spending more time around reddit trying to find a community there. So far, it's entertaining but I haven't really found a community.
I haven't been painting as much. I think I've just sort of hit a plateau and a lack of inspiration.
I have been tearing through "Fathers and Sons" by Ivan Turgenov. Pretty good read so far.
I've been listening to Tool's new album. I want to withhold my opinion on it until I have listened through it some more but not many are making music like this even if I may like their old stuff better. Loco could probably come on here and post 10-20 metal bands that have been making music but I am not privy to those bands. 7empest is the shit. I like Fear Innoculum as well. I really should listen to it some more today but my friend made a TOOL playlist on Spotify that I have been listening to instead. I never listened to much of Opiate or Undertow so I am kind of learning those songs as well too. So, I am on a major TOOL kick. Danny Carey is GOD.
I think we all know by now these updates are more for me than for you but I have been told that people are interested in the happenings of my life so I keep on truckin'.
I'm coming off a painting high. I pushed myself a bit today. I am getting out of my comfort zone and taking on some challenging pieces a bit outside my skill level. One ended up alright although it is unfinished. I may leave it unfinished. For me painting is paradise. I've started to not give a fuck about painting nudes. I'll cover the house with them. That's just what I'm interested in painting at the moment.
I finally set up my drum set today. It's pretty cool. I just do quaint little drum solos through out the day. I don't really know what I'm doing but I pick up tidbits here and there by watching YouTube videos.
It's all about challenges in line with skills. I feel like both in painting and drums I need some lessons to pick up my skills to the next level of challenges. Or, just like brute force it somehow. I know that studying Rouault, Basqiuat, Picasso, Matisse has definitely brought my painting game up. I am doing the same with drumming. There are certain aspects of technique in both that I am missing that I think would be easy improvements by seeing a teacher. It's just a matter of if I have the time and money to do so and if there are any worthwhile teachers local.
I'm listening to a mix I made during my last mania. It is pretty interesting. Some peculiar duds in there but overall it's pretty fucking lit.
I am just obsessed with nudes though. The female form is so fucking amazing. To express that through painting is liberating. It's paradise. FREEDOM! I can paint whatever I want. Use any colors I want. Do whatever the fuck I want. There are not many areas of life where that is true. In fact, I want to be painting right now but what I want to paint I don't have the skills and it is frustrating.
I am a caterpillar inching forward. A snail. ¡Lento pero avanzo!
I am looking for the afterglow. The afterglow of painting. The afterglow of MDMA. The afterglow of sex. It's weird now that I have been painting so many nudes I look at women not for sex or erotica but if they would be interesting to paint nude. That's really fucking weird actually. Painting for me might be better than sex. I am unsure if it is better than a good night on MDMA though. Sometimes I get thoughts of bucking the trend of good ole AA and just start frequenting some good, clean Molly. I thought the world was conspiring against me the other night. I saw a really good advertisement for red wine and then in the car "Marijuana" by Chrome Sparks came on the mix. Probably best to just stay clean and sober from all substances......
Like my girl Sia:
Hero. She's been clean and sober for like 9 years and rescues dogs (and people). Her Higher Power is "Whatever Dude." A queer, surfing Santa Claus that kind of resembles her grandfather. I would ask her to be my sponsor if she was local. I don't even have a sponsor....
But, I gotta live my life:
Even though I'm an underdog:
The Ghost of Avicii! SUPERLOVE:
I think when I was a freshman in college I was probably a favorite. Privileged white boy from the suburbs going to the best state school in the state. That's not like Ivy league privelege but it's pretty privileged. Now, going through a drinking problem progression and having a mental illness it just feels like I am an underdog. An underdog not to be underestimated whatever that means. Actually, it doesn't matter. I'm just doing my best man. SUPERLOVE for the earth and it's children/citizens.
Did I leave my life to chance or did I make you fucking dance:
DID I LEAVE MY LIFE TO CHANCE OR DID I MAKE YOU FUCKING DANCE:
You've been drinking like the world's about to end (It is):
This is someone I need to paint nude. Dios mio:
Gimme Some More:
A Small Measure of Peace:
That's what I have when painting and curating some music for ya'll. Maybe that is all I can ask for. A small measure of peace. Feelings are merely visitors. We will have good times and bad times and some hard times too. Buddhist monks and blues singers have a lot of wisdom. So, despite everything we go on. Unless we don't want to. But, death is so terribly final. Formidable. Is that English or French? I choose to go on. Thank you for allowing me to post all these blogs. I have been granted a small measure of peace. There is no telling what tomorrow will bring. So let's have fun!
It's about 2am here. ABSOLUTE MUST LISTENING PAST MIDNIGHT RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!11111!!!!!!!!!!
Smoke a volcano and chill and ABSOLUTE MUST LISTENING IN LIFE!!!!!
I will leave it at that ya'll. Have fun. Find peace. Eat pussy. Live your Life. Joy is the goal.
I want to get different colored light bulbs. I already have f.lux. Damn, so many ideas. I always liked 8-9am sun but sunset sun is fantastic as well. I think light + space could revolutionize the planet. Kanye West is already ahead of the curve with this.. Architecture, design, lighting is so cool even if it's a mud hut. I have so many ideas but I'm a broke pizzaiolo. I want to wake up to the sun and read to a soothing soft light. I need to get educated on all of the different wavelengths and frequencies and what does that mean?
Hello guys, my name is Marko. I am originally from Finland and I am 31 years old. I have played poker for living the past 8 years. I play mainly mid-stakes tournaments online. I always liked tournaments, because they are the most fun. I find cash games to be a bit of grind, although I started my career playing cash games, 6-max and HU, but after a while I figured tournaments are much more fun and profitable, so I changed to tournaments. That was probably 8-10 years ago. It's tough to remember, because it was so long time ago. Hah. Time flies fast.
I love to travel. I've been traveling around Europe most of twenties and playing online poker. Poker has given me good chance to travel the World and see places. I think traveling has helped me a lot in developing myself and my world view. If we stay in the same place our whole life, I think our life view is very narrow, so it's important to get away and see new things, feel new things etc.
About 2019, well It's been pretty good year. Poker wise hasn't been as good, but there's still plenty of the year left, so not too worried. I will still make it a great year, hah! I will have few projects coming up, so those should be good rail for the forums.
In general I will be talking about coaching, self-development, business, poker, life, travel, football etc. I hope you will enjoy the ride!
BTW, STEROIDhulk is the name I have on Stars, so that's why the thread name.