what I did while LP was down for me, quitting poker full time now after a massive downswing so ive been just enjoying nature n life. The NEET life now lol, just doing some gardening and other little hobbies I have left. Online poker too tough now so many good players and bots its not worth it anymore unless u get into good games or something but I dont think moving forward its possible for me to grind out 30$ an hour. was making 5-6$ an hour for awhile so its just not worth it anymore but GL to the grinders who are still putting hours in.
I caught them bottom dealing cars from the bottom of the deck. We’re speaking in dealership terms of course. But we truly have run into a bit of a conundrum. I’ve learned you cant really make it entirely on your own, you need help. The top performers at the dealership have managers feeding them high-value prospects while the rest of us are more or less ‘relief pressure’ by gambling with the random customers who show up who may or may not buy anything. Current events have slaughtered our sales volume except for the top 3 salesmen who are ensured to hit their quoats to make 10k/month. The rest of us can get fucked.
Tried shottaking 2/5 again in my spare time but havent fared too well as of late. Also considering spending more time at 1/3 for convenience and comfort. Either way looking to make a move REAL SOON and get out of the rat race once again. Took off 5 days from work but couldnt make anything happen.
We are a simulated blur. We are tomorrow's dust. I am waiting for a friend to call me back and rifled through a whole bunch of stuff but then I found myself here again. I can only imagine how much time I have spent on this blog. It feels kind of right, right now. I am staying at my brother's house again. My mom has vertigo and my dad is operating on a bad back and two bad knees. They are getting old. I am getting old. I wonder what happens when I can't depend on my parents anymore. I need to grow up. I am not a rockstar. This is real life. As real as it can be. It is not imaginary. Even if the real has disappeared. I don't think my siblings will take care of me. There will be no one to take care of me.
I have been fully immersing myself in music. It is what makes me feel good. At least the initial burst of making something out of nothing. Finishing a song is rather tedius. I have access to a drum set and an electric guitar here which is lovely but obviously I can't jam out with the whole house asleep. The beauty of Ableton is I can take it wherever I go. I miss marijuana joints and red wine. You get a better jam and appreciation for music under that influence. I have to do everything stone cold sober and that can be a bummer. I am not a rockstar. I'm going to have to face the realities of life. I don't want to be a wino on the streets or in prison. One of my best friends just got out of prison. It sounds horrific and adjusting to life out of prison is not easy. I do see a therapist but music is my therapy. I mean obviously I care if it's shit. I don't want it to be shit but even if it is shit that's ok. Strikes and gutters. Those moments when you may be on to something is worth living for though. OK, back to chasing the dragon.
So I finally solved sales. I have it all figured out. There is nothing left to learn. Women want me, men want to be me. In all seriousness, all I’m trying to say is that I’ve finally begun making some money at it. I’m up $ 27k this year, with my best month being $9200. No shadiness, all pure ethical sales. I found my niche: building value in the product. Just eloquently explaining what makes XYZ car a good car to the point my customers get excited. It’s their #1 compliment about me, saying things like “I’ve never had a salesman like you before, that was really different”.
I’ve also dipped my toes back into the poker scene again. We’re playing 1/3 this time, but I’m up $2800 or so with about a $50/hourly over a meaningless sample. I have a 17k liferoll, so needless to say, it definitely feels better to play overrolled than under. The hours at the dealership are long, and I keep fantasizing about the freedom poker would give me, but I’m also self-aware enough to realize I stand a good chance of being irresponsible with that freedom just like last time.
The last bit of good news is I’ve finally left the motel and have a legitimate apartment. Since I lost everything, furnishings are sparse, and I’m going to make a good faith effort not to blow it all on anything extravagant. For instance, I picked up a mattress from Walmart today to give you an example of my frugality. Everything else will be piecemealed together from Facebook Marketplace. The neighborhood I landed in is like something out of a storybook. The street is encapsulated under a giant canopy of trees, creating stunning vistas and sounds of nature. The whole area just smells so green. Walking around at night, you are surrounded by the hiss of dimly lit gas lanterns burning away, casting an orange glow from afar. It’s enchanting. I live in one of the most primier areas of town that is literally walking distance to everything. It’s insane being able to just casually stroll about the neighborhood and stumble upon hidden coffee shops and bistros.
And the women, my god. There is so much eye candy I don’t know what to do with myself. It’s almost depressing in an odd way because I am surrounded by that which I cannot have, or at least probably won’t have. Nonetheless, I’ll find someone eventually, but for now I’m strictly focused on getting my apartment furnished and life back on track.
Sometimes I feel like intelligence is a huge geometric intersection of what everyone can understand. The more people included the smarter you are. In poker the narrative of skill breaks down from what older players find obvious to what is or isn't obvious to the competition at the time. I don't play much any more outside of a few traveling trips and online free sites. Today I think it would be really tough to re-experience the online poker world like it was in the early millennium.
The narrative of a poker game is quite exciting these days unlike when it was more mathematical or logical. Players are increasing their understanding of game psychology (when they're serious). There are a lot of unknowns in poker. I'd be happy if it was easier to play more, but it's not really an available feature at the moment.
I'm deep in theory. What a magical time. I am about half way through Mythologies by Roland Barthes. Then, I have The Medium is the Massage by McLuhan, Elements of Semiology by Barthes, and Society of the Spectacle by Debord up next but no one gives a shit.
That is really what this blog post is about. How no one gives a shit. Being an autodidact is a very solitary pursuit by definition. I joined a philosophy channel on Discord and they don't really give a shit either. It's mostly analytic academics. I don't fit in. The server is too active. Reddit has nothing for me besides the occasional Google search. I kind of despise Chat GPT but it can be somewhat useful.
My poor mom has to hear earfuls of the stuff I'm reading. At least she says she enjoys it to a point.
I'm just lonely. I went in hard on some Baudrillard. I think up to 2 weeks have flown by. I don't know if I even thought to be lonely then. Mythologies by Barthes is ok. It is a good intro to semiotics. A nice break from the denser and more opaque Baudrillard. Although, Baudrillard fascinates me. He seduces me. He haunts me.
There is no where for the autodidact to go except to touch grass and deal with it. Academia is a pipedream. It has been ever since I did not major in philosophy and chose poker over academics.
And the elephant in the room is that I need a job. I know, I know. I need a job. That is tremendous toil. If I did not have hypertrophy training and theory I would be in real trouble. The toil and the void would be too great.
Overcoming inertia in entropy. In a simulation the only thing left to do is play the game. All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players (Shakespeare).
It is normal for people to have anxiety about death. Libido and fear of death are two massive motivations. Sometimes they are unconcsious motivations. Marketers mess with our ability to know what we need and what will be satisfying. They tamper with our imagination as the result of the void. It shows up in weird ways. We fill the void with imagination and consumption. Imagination in the creation of art is good. Imagination in unrealistic expectations for consumption is bad.
I have clothes. I have plenty of clothes. I have an understanding of color theory and can generally dress myself to be passable in society. There is no such thing as authenticity in this regard. Unless maybe if I got my clothes from a small indigenous group of people in South America who custom made me some outfits. Any magazine, any shop, any online store is going to command the title of "purveyor of taste." Personally, I think just wearing white t-shirts and blue jeans everyday is better than falling into the consumption trap. But, in bourgois life there are dress codes...
"He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man."
- Samuel Johnson
A beast with f body dysmorophia. I've been watching IFBB pros train on YouTube. They all have body dysmorphia. They all wear "pump covers" to hide their muscles until they feel they are pumped up enough.
How much is enough? I don't feel the need to get that jacked or that lean. I would like to make gains in the gym, however.
I wish I didn't have to be so clean and sober all the time but between my alcoholism and bipolar it's really fucking stupid to drink or do drugs. I get better gains in the gym though and I am definitely more clear headed. Not clearheaded enough to not post a bunch of bullshit on a website with barely any traffic but it's better than being bombed and that whole cycle. I didn't even post any marijuana pictures or breasts.
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