"All happiness or unhappiness solely depends upon the quality of the object to which we are attached by love." - Spinoza
As always, what you are looking for is connection. I highly doubt that coding is the path to follow to get that. The people who follow that path probably already have that in their lives, had already heavily invested in this path earlier in life, or don't really need it (autistic, schizoid). Focus on meeting your needs the best you can now, not with the long-shots of things that could afford you with more financial independence down the (long) road.
An intimate connection, yeah. Seeing someone for who they are and being seen by someone for who you are. Being accepted and validated. Physical touch and sex are not necessarily intimate. The only thing that has kept me going was the possibility of finding this connection, and the idea of preparing myself for it. It's difficult to put yourself out there, make yourself available and deal with rejection, but it has to be done at some point if you don't want to keep running on empty forever. You need it more than the money and whatever else there is.
I can not dispute these claims.
I don't know if I actually need a looks or game thread but I find myself pretty bored.
I don't have a whole lot in the looks department besides being tall. I don't think I am being delusional when I say I can dress well. Game. I don't think I am a silver tongued hero sober. I am pretty shy and reserved yet funny. Anyways, I know that all of that matters but it really boils down to finding some social sphere I can feel comfortable with and stand out in. That is the opportunity. That is the problem. Probably the biggest thing that hinders me is that I live at home with my parents. Not impossible to make friends but not near ideal for dating prospects. I could also forego having friends at all and pay sex workers to talk to me.
I feel like a blog. I have been pretty good about NOT blogging so far on vacation but my brother is playing World of Warcraft where I am sleeping so sleep is not a great option. I decided since I actually have some time and energy I am going to read The Phenomenology of Spirit by G.F.W. Hegel. I doubt I'll get through it all in time but maybe I will. That is a difficult one to try and read at night after a long day of work when the willpower, focus, energy is gone. It's not so bad when I am just lounging during the day when all my family members are at work. I have mostly been lounging. It's a great life until the money runs out. Playing guitar, reading Hegel, going for walks in the deep forest, these are all great ways for me to spend time, energy, focus. I started coding again too but that has been tepid. Well, worse than tepid. I forgot how to link the directory of .py files to my power shell/terminal so I can run them. It's exercise 0 and it does not tell me how to do this.
Of course, it is nice not having to slave away for 40 hours in a week. When I go back I am scheduled for 6 days in a row which is pretty bad. Sometimes it feels like I am squandering my vacation a bit with how chill it has been but thankfully I have not been thinking about that too much because it honestly does not matter. Whether I am busy or not does not matter. It feels like this vacation is more than rest to perform better at work but simply rest, idleness, etc. for the sake of leisure. How I wish most of my time were. It seems to take 2 or 3 days to get in that zone with the knowledge that there will be a week or more of similar time.
My siblings all have their own lives in this city with their respective jobs and small children. It's nice seeing them but there is no great connection really. They are all busy with performance at their jobs and attempting to raise small children. That is no small feat. I am mostly quiet by nature. I wish not to engage in chatter. I think my siblings understand this which is a good thing. It's just tough. I already said it but they are at work or tending to small children. I am 3rd fiddle.
It's all good though. It's all good. It's really not but it really is ok. Ok. It's fine. I don't expect to be doing all this grand stuff or have amazing interactions all the time. The coding thing really kind of irks me though. I don't even remember how to do exercise 0 and it holds me up from doing all the other ones which I know how to do I just have to go through them again.
I am taking a longer walk through a deeper forest tomorrow which makes me happy. I don't have to wake up to an alarm clock or take a shower right away. Little things like that make me incredibly happy. I think I am going to grow out my hair again.
It's kind of weird actually during the work week. I don't see any of my siblings until they are tired and worn out for a little bit after work then they have to take care of their kids so I have really had to be independent on this vacation. At least I was ready for it.
Today might have been the only time Ive visited LP this year. Im glad I did tho to stumble over Kets post. Reading and smileing I got inspired to post something myself since its been sooo long. Struggleing with different old passwords for a bit Im now in!
Flattered to have been mentioned. Reading some of the comments I realise i did have a place here and I was a character that people knew. In the LPworld. A pokerversion of the kid that played starcraft all day.
LP and that time of my life is quite fuzzy to be honest but it brought up some memories of my blog here. The handposting and all of you LP characters. I wont make a list like Ket but I do want to say thank you guys!
LP community, the Handssection and the Poker Articles here was foundational to me comeing into poker and being able to make poker a living.
I will keep this post short but ill squeeze in a little update of who I am today. Im a father of two kids, a 3 year old boy and a 1 year old girl and I still play poker.
Last year I had my best year to date playing NL and this year Ive migrated over to playing PLO and I still have alot of motivation and passion for the game.
Haveing children might be a point of retirement for some pokerplayers but for me it was just what I needed to take my pokercareer to the next level. It has brought me dicipline and a sense of urgency. Wich I really needed, I always (and still struggle with) dicipline at the tables and the lobby. I cant mess around anymore the few hours a day I do work. Wich has really really payed of at the tables and climbing stakes the past 3 years since haveing my son. I did not expect that was what was gonna happen becomeing a father and spending less time with poker.
On June 15 2022 01:22 Stroggoz wrote:
but he never made it to the nosebleeds for some reason.
I have a cat named Pico. He is a little feisty guy. A runt of a litter. 1 of 30 cats and 30 dogs. Little Pico had to fend for his life eating any scraps he could find. The assholes burned the house down. Lucky little Pico was found. Then we found him. He has the most beautiful green eyes. We quickly found out if any food was left out it would be eaten. The only thing he will not eat is grapes and almonds and that is about it.
I was feeling particularly empty today. I slept most of the day and did chores/errands that absolutely had to be done. The only thing of note was starting to learn how to play slide guitar which is pretty fun. I think my problem is I have too much hunger for fulfillment. I am a fulfillment junky. My life is in such a state that fulfillment is not easy or I am expecting fulfillment to be easy when sometimes it is easy but probably most times it is not. Masturbating to pornography is fulfilling in the sense that it is pleasurable especially at orgasm but pornography is rather vulgar. The old saying goes that masturbation is great if you want masturbation but largely lacking if you want something more.
I enjoy the little things in life. I like a good trance. Pink skies. There are plenty of things to like that surprise and are easy. There are plenty of things in life that are difficult yet rewarding. I don't feel that I get much fulfillment at work. It's just a never ending cycle. There is another promotion available at work and that has been stressing me out. It would be a lot of work on the cash register and taking manager calls. I think the register and taking calls are two things I don't want to do.
I look around and try to find things that are looking up in my life but it's hard for me to find them. I could just be a bit depressed. The mind can play tricks. It's like do I really want to do the whole show of showing up to some AA meetings and going out afterwards only to retreat to my room once again? Disappearing from the scene once again. You would think after like 5 years of that I would have figured something out. The only thing I can figure out now is to play the guitar like I don't have another day to live and compose music in whatever place I may be at the time.
been practicing my french. loco aide-moi parler francais ce soir pas voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir parcequi je ne suis pas gay.
i don't have a lot of money but one does not need a lot of money to have a good time. honestly 10$ or .00045 btc a day in vancouver is enough to have a good day if u are spending the day with a good buddies.
.i dont even know why hiems is ban, there are other people i would ban first before i ban hiems but doesn't mean i would ban them cuz i rather enlighten them than ban them. only spammer bots i would ban. 10 ppl voted 6 say yes to unban 2 said oui and 2 said no. unban hiems.
nuclear launch detected
haha nvm naz forever king of LP
Shout out to PoorUser for the Hollow Knight suggestion. Thank you. I have been playing it and it is fun, dreamlike, and ethereal in a way.
My local grocery store is carrying AdBusters which I thought was hilarious and awesome so I had to pick up a copy. Then I was reading through it and it touches on some salient points but I remembered there was a reason I stopped getting it. I don't think I like Kalle Lasn. He is a bit much. Doesn't mean other contributions aren't good.
At this point I think I am just looking forward to my vacation. It's probably a mistake. There are a lot of hours in between now and then. Music, vidya, sleep can really take up quite a bit of time. I'm sleeping too damn much but it's so damn cozy.
Any Lper doing internet marketing/seo stuff?by whammbot, September 27
I'd like to know if any of you guys are in the industry. I'm just beginning in my journey (4 months) as a side gig and so far I'm loving it and would like to talk shop sometimes with more experienced people in the field, esp if they're former sc/poker dudes from here. Thanks.
haunted dancehall protected by angelsby RiKD, September 26
That is the name of the last song or sound trip I made. It's not hopeless but I need to get a lot better to reach Burial or Aphex-Twin status (getting that good probably is hopeless). I want to learn how to create my own sounds. Then, arrange those sounds into something I like. I shouldn't really concern myself with what others are doing anyways and just do my own thing but right now my own thing is a mashup of sounds that is sometimes cool and other times not. Oh well, it's something to do anyway. I still have my guitar. I am learning a new scale this week which isn't too hard to learn at all but internalizing it and playing it with my eyes closed is a different matter! It's interesting the contrast between digital music and a guitar. It's kind of cool to create the chord shapes and make sure my fingers are in the right positions and also that I am striking the string optimally as well. But, it's also amazing the power of the DAW and how many sounds are out there and how many more there are by fucking with stuff.
I wish I had something sensational to write to maybe lively up LP a little bit. Give us some entertainment. Bad entertainment. The fact is my life is not very sensational whatsoever. I drink tea. I contemplate. I listen to Boris Brejcha.
The expanse of space creeps into my spirit and dissipates until a new tide rolls in. I want to burn like the rave at xx/yy/2008. Will you burn with me?
Synthetic spirit. I am looking for the real thing. Paralyzed by the emptiness a tear rolls down my cheek. oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. The ghosts they are a calling. Fill me up and give me a little piece of your spirit please. It is a séance here tonight. A session of sitting. The ghosts they will call.
You know to get personal I am still seeing Luna and we are still just friends united by our love for Indian food and collapse. Not that we love collapse. It is just rare to find people that understand and can laugh about it and maybe cry about it and get good Indian food in the midst of it all. Maybe sometimes it is simply about some simple pleasures. The world is crumbling around us and there is likely nothing we can do. I don't have heaven to hope for. What do I do?
Luna always tells me to find myself spiritually. Center myself spiritually. And prepare. Prepare for the Kingdom of God. I believe something of the sort if I did that the Kingdom of God is within me. That is Tolstoy rubbing off on me. I do believe something of the sort though. Peace with the imperfect present. We would all do much better if we could find peace within the imperfect present.
I suppose it is probably also for the best of us to reduce screens. For LP to diminish and disappear. HA, these are becoming my private journals now.
One thing about the acoustic guitar is it is forcing me to get better at chords. I've always been a guy that prefers the riffs and the solo stuff (and scales). The practice on the acoustic this week is just all about rhythm. I don't know if I like it but I love the songs I am playing so it is doable: Farewell Transmission, Blue Factory Flame, and Didn't It Rain by Songs:Ohia.
I don't know if I have a lot to say tonight. I'm pretty tired. Recently, I have had to exert extra energy at work because the weekends are busy, I had to make sure I had my medications taken care of, and my car was in the shop. That is a lot of extra driving and work. Tomorrow we'll get slammed and it won't be fun but I will hopefully survive as I have every other Saturday so far. I hate surviving for too long of a time but sometimes that is the way it goes if I want to maintain medications, health care, car maintenance, and buy acoustic guitars without giving a fuck.
Not that the guitar is that expensive. It's a Stadium Dreadnought. Shanzhai Fender Acoustic made in China with cheap materials. It actually sounds great but will never get that phenomenal sound of aged quality wood. I am thinking about stepping up my electric guitar here pretty soon too. Maybe get a neck-in Epiphone which is a Shanzhai Gibson Les Paul. That damn car service cost me a paycheck mother fuckers but I gotta keep that thing running. It's just after playing this new acoustic guitar it's a lot more comfortable for me to play the thing is all. An Epiphone should be similar in that regard. A little bit larger neck feels comfortable for me.
Very few people on here probably care about my guitar interest or becoming a performance-machine at work. I had this idea that I would share how much time I spent on screens but no one cares about that either. There is really not a whole lot to share. I've been so busy the last week there has not been much time for anything other than work and errands. I lost myself in that to be honest. It took me away. And, it's going to be another day or 2 of that. Just the way the cookie crumbles. I'm a bit numb to be honest.
During the entirety of June and July 2022, I was traveling around various parts of Italy and Belarus. I returned to America on August 1, and I have been working ever since.
In June, I traveled around Italy with a girl who I met in Belarus in 2021. We flew from our home countries and met in Rome, where we did some touristic stuff for a few days, and then traveled to a small city on the top of a mountain called Perugia. While small, Perugia has a lot of life to it, great views, decent food, nice people, and free wifi in the city center. After two days in Perugia, we went to the eastern coast of the country to a beach town called Rimini, where we ate and relaxed for 5 days. While in Rimini, we did visit a nearby micro country called San Marino, which is a country within a country, and has preserved its old style for a long time. After we left Rimini, we found ourselves on the western side of the country in Florence. Florence seemed like a chill city that focused mostly on museums (it's the city with the most museums in the world), which wasn't my thing, but my girl enjoyed it. After 4-5 days in Florence, we decided that we didn't feel like traveling to a nearby country, and instead took a train to the north and visited Milan for 5 days. Milan has a lot of life in it, both from the restaurant scene, nice people, and it's the fashion capital of the world. After Milan, we took a flight to Vilnius, Lithuania.
While in Vilnius, we walked around and saw the sights while eating whatever we could. This was just a one day trip, as we flew here in order to take a bus from Vilnius to Minsk, which was the cheapest way for us to enter Belarus.
Once we arrived in Minsk, I felt like I was at home again, as I was previously in Minsk for one month in July 2021. It's difficult to explain, but Minsk is a great place to live if you're a foreigner, as it's a large city by size, but only has 2 million people in it. Minsk still has a small town feel, in that it's very safe and many people know each other, but it's also very advanced, and it reminds me of young Seoul, South Korea, in terms of how much potential it has for partying, restaurants, and overall growth (I used to live in Seoul in 2008 and 2009 when I worked in the Starcraft scene, and the city was still finding itself at the time, and seeing foreigners was far less common when compared to today). While in Minsk, I did everything from go to the gym 3 days a week to maintain my slim-fit physique, clubbing a few days a week, eating at a lot of good restaurants, visiting a few smaller cities and villages in western Belarus, and was blacklisted from my favorite casino from winning too much (I didn't win a ton of money, but it was probably that I went in there 15 times or so and only had 1 losing day -- luckily there are many casinos in Minsk). The good/interesting news is, there is a good chance that I will be buying an apartment in Minsk between now and summer 2023 -- I won't move there right away, but the price for apartments right now is really good, which is mostly due to the Pandemic and the invasion of Ukraine that has ruined tourism and other things in Belarus, which in turn has lowered the asking price for homes. After my time in Minsk came to an end, I returned to California and started working the very next day.
In regard to UFC/MMA, I still watch and bet on UFC every weekend, and have been doing well for the past 5 months or so, with a few hiccups in-between, but that's to be expected.
Due to me focusing on real life stuff, work, and my hobbies (gym + UFC betting), I have found it extremely difficult to devote any time to updating the main page of LP.net like I originally thought I was going to have. I will force myself to update the main page at some point, but as you can see with the Sports and Betting section, I don't put much effort into even updating that area. That being said, I plan to start contacting some of the remaining LP.net people to do some interviews as a way to bring some interest back to the website.
I worked my ass off the last few days. Up for a promotion the performance machine was running all systems go. In fact, I'm making sure my phone is right next to me if they call me in tomorrow.
High Alone by Sevdaliza. Go like 4mg of Xanax. That will cut the heaviness of working overtime on extreme rushed, hectic, frantic time. If I'm not careful I will be lost on the undead time. I have to work frantically to have a chance at the GOOD PUSS. I don't think I can truly think under these conditions. The music is too loud. The key strokes are too loud. It's too active. In order to contemplate properly I need to slow down and be still. There is too much information on here.
I hope to keep it simple tomorrow. If I'm not working go to the beach and watch the birds and feel the breeze. Maybe read a novel and take a nap. Of course, play the guitar. I got a metronome which is helping a lot. I also got a wahwah pedal (Crybaby) that is pretty fun. Maybe 1 day I will be able to play White Room by Cream in it's entirety or Voodoo Child by Jimi Hendrix.