I wish to linger on commitment. My therapist said I should think about it. I am always on this idea and that idea and the next one not really committing to anything ever. I think it's mostly related to jobs/careers/whateveryouwanttocallit. I am supposed to think about that too. What am I good at and what do I like to do? There is always like a spirit in the air that seems to whisper teach. Teach. But, then that just seems like just another one of my ideas. I have never commit to it. So it's 3 questions:
- What am I good at?
- What do I like to do?
- What am I willing to commit to?
I think the commitment piece is key. I remember when I was committed to poker I usually did really well. When I was down on poker and looking for ways out and mopey I generally lost and was miserable. It's the same with that corporate sales job I had. I was committed to lacrosse and put together a strong four years and had a lot of great times. It just seems to be the way the world works. I don't know a way around it. I prefer multiple disciplinary work. I would love to be a shiny ball consultant. I don't know if jobs like that exist in this world for me. I don't know if I'm qualified. I don't know what I am qualified for. I don't know if I will ever find something I feel is worth committing to. Nothing has ever been good enough.
Maybe I'll ponder this some more and write more later. I think a lot of issue with commitment deals with FEAR(s) even if it is a +ev play. There is always going to be a lot of unknowns. Sometimes getting out of commitments at a certain point seems impossible or unbearable. At the end of the day though everything is a wager and we have to bet on whatever is going to give us the most overall life satisfaction (short-term and long-term). Which is actually another interesting discussion. Do we care if we are crippled and decrepit at 80 if 40 is really awesome? What if I really like cigarettes and cheese? I love red wine too.............. I was committed to red wine.
I am in the middle of finding myself. It feels like I've been finding myself my whole life. Do we ever find ourselves? I've encountered people where this seems to be the case. It is almost unfathomable to me. I am serious. Are there people on here that feel like they have found themselves? What does that mean?
I have goals. Like I've said I want to find an (altruistic) cause to spend time on, I want good friends, and I want a girlfriend. I also want to eat less shit and move more. I don't know how I want to move. Maybe get back into tennis. Maybe get back into improv. I still have to actualize all of this stuff. It seems easier but more painful to just continue doing what I've been doing if that makes sense. That sounds like classic alcoholic behavior to me. I have so much freedom yet I seemingly continue to not make the right choices. The social anxiety has me a little shaken up. It makes me more fearful to do something new even though it is just a worry.
I don't know how to make myself choose right. What do I believe in? What do I stand for? I am like a cat with shiny ball syndrome that let's the corporation I work for dictate my life. I glide with the confines of my work schedule. I have mostly been a night owl my whole life. That is my natural temperament. It kind of sucks to be in that zone in a city where everything closes early and I don't drink or do drugs and there are no late night AA meetings/communities that I particularly like and I have barely any friends let alone any friends on this later night schedule.
My therapist mentioned that I wasn't present during a lot of my development and that is kind of a bear of a problem that compounded over time and I am still dealing with it. I think some on here maybe get that if they were addicted to BW and/or poker in their teens and twenties. So, I am still finding myself. My first reaction is like "Fuck, still?" I mean of course I am still finding myself but do I ever find myself? Maybe not. But, you know what? Just relaxing a bit here listening to some Robert Glasper Experiment and writing these thoughts out I don't feel so bad. I truly want people to try and answer some of these questions in here. I am trying to learn in anyway possible to reduce suffering and live a better life. I realize there is no magic pill. I am just a lonely SOB that is questioning myself at every turn. It feels like I have lost my smile or my personality or both. Sometimes I catch glimpses of a swagger but it doesn't seem to stick. What happened to my smile? I have a pent up zest for life waiting to burst. I think I have a feeling what I have to do. Yet, I sleep in and take naps and don't call people to do stuff and let the dishes pile up and overall don't take action. It's easy to just fall into the everything is determinism mode and just float by. Complain or hide behind determinism rather than embrace responsibility. Fuck man, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what will make me change.
I am afraid to hop back on stage. I never had major social anxiety with improv or stage fright ever but things have changed. Maybe they haven't. The only way to know would be to try it. That should really be my motto for into the future. The only way to know would be to try it. Except, If I want to know what the warmth of heroine is like. The warmth of a campfire or the warmth of a woman sounds like a better idea.
How did I end up here?/Existence is upon usby RiKD, May 05
Today was one of those days that I got home and I could barely bear to bend over and untie my shoes. I was just hoping it would get better from there. It has. Another pint of Jenni's Brambleberry Crisp and now listening to Nujabes and writing down words. How did I end up as a pizza maker? It's really kind of bizarre. I made some great pizzas today and I made some not so great pizzas today. Sometimes it feels like I am fighting the dough a little bit and the ingredients. I looked to my co-workers who are much better than me. I shouldn't compare myself to them but I yearn to learn from them. I am at a somewhat weird part of my pizza progression. On the other hand, I don't necessarily feel that I am wasting my time making pizzas but I can't help but feel like there is a higher calling for me. Doesn't everyone feel like there is a higher calling for them...?
I don't need to kill myself either. I find it absurd that people throw around the advice to kill oneself on the internet. The time may come when it is time to kill myself but it's not now. I actually think I am on the cusp of having a not so bad life which could continue to grow. What am I missing? This social anxiety piece is really big. I think I have had it since middle school. I think it's why I was drawn to video games and poker. I think it's why I did so many substances at least in part. But, it's been stronger here than in the past. I let my hand tremor get to me. Although it is a weird thing to have a hand tremor (Lithium and Abilify).
What are your guys thoughts on some great tv shows?
Stroggoz reminded me of Rome in the GoT thread which I absolutely love. I pointed out that Deadwood is another show like that. My brother told me to watch some show called Marvelous Ms. Maisie or something like that he said it's better than GoT or he told me to watch One Punch Man. I was watching Handmaid's Tale but man some episodes are so bleak for the full 50+ min. I am trying to unwind and maybe laugh or get enthralled.
"Unfathomable loneliness and sadness crept through him: he saw his life down the solemn vista of a forest aisle, and he knew he would always be the sad one: caged in that little round of skull, imprisoned in that beating and most secret heart, his life must always walk down lonely passages. Lost. He understood that men were forever strangers to one another, that no one ever comes really to know anyone, that imprisoned in the dark womb of our mother, we come to life without having seen her face, that we are given to her arms a stranger, and that, caught in that insoluble prison of being, we escape it never, no matter what arms may clasp us, what mouth may kiss us, what heart may warm us. Never, never, never, never, never.?"
I used to play a lot of poker and browse/post here a long time ago but somehow cant register anymore with my old account (voodoouser).
I'm currently teaching poker to my mother (60yo) during my holidays in her house for fun, because she likes card games a lot. I'm teaching her the basic stuff (since I only was a nl25 cg regular I cant teach her advanced stuff aha) and she really likes playing. She's currently playing fake money cash games and we're having a lot of fun. I'm wondering, is LP still a safe place where she can post her hands (only post hands, not make posts) and get some advices ? She's a nice and smart person. You can tell me the truth I will not be offended at all, no worries about that. She'll start nl2 in few weeks and I'm looking for a place where she can get "help" about hands in a friendly place (I remember LP was a very friendly place).
Thanks in advance, you can be very honest in your answers, dont worry about annoying me.
edit: also do you know where to get the old software pokerstove ? The free version everybody was using many years ago. Or an alternative software with the same features.
In psychotherapy this is one of the most fundamental questions. What are someone's true wishes in this world? Then it is the individual's responsibility to act on these wishes. That's why it is important to be accurate with one's wishes. We are free to choose (to some extent). We are the sum of our actions.
What do I want?
I figure I would do this as an experiment and an exercise. I am just all in my head before a psychotherapy appointment and rather than sit here and do nothing I'll maybe get some of this stuff out of my head and it will be worthwhile.
There are a lot of interrelated things in my life. A big one is always the job. I don't hate it. I get a good feeling sometimes. It's not a bad place to be BUT it's not going to get me out of my parent's house. I do not wish to work more hours or scale up in the capitalist world. It's like I am almost forced to find something in the public or non-profit sector. Living at home effects dating (so does making more money). I would like to date but it's almost like the state of my life dating is more annoyance than fun. I would like to go out and have more fun. Spend time with people. I wish to get better at painting and the electric guitar. I think these are all pretty doable things. But, it really goes back to that work piece. I have no desire whatsoever to climb higher in capitalism but I am currently a bit fucked in regards to finances... Fucked is a strong word. I eek it out like I have said on here before. I will stay at my parent's place and perhaps continue to be incel. It feels like I have to go back to school for something or maybe more importantly work for someone that ends in .org. There are no ultimate rescuers here. This is all on me. I have to figure this out but I hope I get help and inspiration along the way.
I have the freedom to buy an electric guitar. Guess what? I just bought an electric guitar and sick headphones. Am I responsible for that choice?
The book I am currently reading ("Existential Psychotherapy") makes the argument that we are responsible for our life predicament and we are responsible for changing. We must be if we want to see any semblance of growth.
Sartre says we are a sum of our actions. Which is true but what is the originator of our actions?
Yalom says that if we are structural determinists we need activists not therapists and nothing can change on a personal level until the structures are changed. Therapy or really any form of individual improvement is hopeless.
I suppose I believe in or I want to believe in that we truly have this freedom. I am not convinced we do. I almost want to convince myself that we do because I think it would be better for me. I think most "successful" people or let's define it as people with financial freedom that are earning that financial freedom through something they more or less like to do from my experiences across the board strongly believe in this principle of responsibility. I want to use the example of Kanye West believing so strongly in responsibility that he believes that slavery was a choice. I mean technically it was. The slaves could attempt to run away or kill themselves. That is like radical responsibility. It completely disregards the structures in place. But, I think about the prospects of a slave making it to a safe place in the North and myself making it to a safe place in France. Which is kind of an absurd comparison. I am in a safe place now yet I feel like a slave. Not in the sense of enslaved Africans in the 1700-1800s. That is not a fair comparison but I do feel like a slave to Capitalism and many of the current structures in place. That mixed with my upbringing and so many facets of my life have shaped who I am. I don't know if it is fair to say that I have 100% responsibility in my life predicament and responsibility to grow personally. I don't know enough about neuroscience and actually I don't think anyone does to truly answer these questions. Maybe they do and I am just ignorant. But, I think another aspect of this is that it is perhaps better to believe we have 100% responsibility. So, why not just believe it? Well, there are things I can't un-see. There is certainly determinism in this dimension but I truly believe we have some aspects of freedom as well. How much? I don't know. But, I continue to go to therapy and I do see undeniable improvement in certain areas. I just want to believe that my actions have gotten me here and it is my actions that will get me out. That almost seems too positive but again positivity seems like a trait of people that have better quality of lives. But, there is a strong activist aspect of me as well but I don't think I can give that area my all until I work on some personal things with a therapist. I suppose it's not hypocritical to be compatibilist. Most active philosophers today believe in compatibilism. It's just crazy that our thoughts and our "Interpreter" (part of the brain that interprets the world around us) are so unreliable. We are on some crazy runaway train on speculative tracks and trails. There is so much we don't know about the brain, consciousness, existence. We exist, we are conscious, we think and we don't know much about why or how. Well, thoughts is getting more understood but the other two who the fuck knows.
I want to read Hofstadter's chef d'oeuvre. So, I just bought it and then see if I have the motivation to read it when it comes.
What is the basis for motivation?????????????? INSPIRATION?????????????????
That is the million dollar question that I also feel is mostly determined yet has some aspects of freedom.
I had a dream last night and it gave me an idea for a painting. I currently have 3 paintings in process but the thing about oil paints is that one has to let them dry in specific parts before proceeding and I usually put the paint on pretty thick so it takes a week+ for certain areas to dry. Part of the dream was Kanye West collaborated with an unknown but very talented painter and it was like an African-scape at night with very vivid stars and a jaguar sitting with very vivid eyes. I am not good enough to paint that but I might try. They asked me to collaborate on it but it was so good that I couldn't find an area that I wanted to put some brush strokes. Then my instinct was to graffiti it but I liked it too much. I didn't want to sully it. It was such a pure painting. I wish I could re-create it. What I am attempting to re-create is another dream or the same dream in which I was visited by a ghost-like, alien-like, spirit-like entity. It is ambiguous exactly what it was. If anything it was like my version of a neo-Spectre. It was a pinkish magenta with eyes like fire that changed in intensity. I just had the thought that it could be me or some aspect of me or it could be my Spectre or a ghost or an alien or (a) God or who knows?
I would still be painting but I ran out of turpentine. Nothing kills creativity like having to go out to the store and consume. Like blogging in the fashion that I do is some form of adequate substitute for creative expression...
I think Pyramids by Frank Ocean (and John Mayer) is a good example of expression. I wish I could write songs and sing like Frank Ocean. I wish I could play the guitar like John Mayer. I am probably closest to writing songs well but I don't really have the melodies or the vision in my head it's more so just poetry and I don't particularly have the penchant for poetry. I write it in spurts usually when manic. I will never have a great voice. I will never play the guitar like John Mayer. I think I could get pretty decent at the guitar except for a lack of talent and lack of wanting to do so (in reality). I have done some music production. It is fun but then I will never create a Waters of Nazareth by Justice on Garage Band so that makes me feel like shit. I don't even know why that is the case. It's not entirely the case. I made a few songs and at least one good song on my sister's computer who used to be a musician with a small studio. It made for a great afternoon. I would not have rather been any where else on the planet at that time. It was an end-in-itself. It is only afterwards, later on, that I compare and contrast. Ugly business comparing and contrasting can be.
I think one of the reasons I like Pyramids is that it reminds me of a one night stand that was particularly memorable. If I could just have that beauty, that spontaneity, that sensualness, that joy in my life. I think I have a piece of that when I paint. I also have a piece of peace. One of my favorite things about a one night stand is when after she leaves and her scent lingers on the pillow and sheets. But, I think my favorite might be that initial eye contact, the initial flirtations, the initial kiss, a wet vagina, the initial penetration, and then obviously everything leading to the tiny death of orgasm. The afterglow. It just all seems like a small reprieve from the human predicament.
Right now, it feels like "Oh God, what am I going to do for about 12-13 hours before I can get some sleep." That is pretty awful.... I better go get some turpentine...... I am not living as if I am going to die or maybe I am. I don't know. Fuck it. I am going to get some turpentine and I am going to shower and brush my teeth in case the person who works there is an attractive woman.
I've realized only recently that posting on here is a form of acting out for me. I am a bit lost on the interwebz these days. It just seems like there isn't much for me here anymore. I would post in a private journal which I do but it feels like a lot of the issues are relatable to some % of people that might read this.
I'm listening to Club Soda by Thomas Bangalter. I like music. I like stories. I have gotten back into Cinema. I have watched some good ones but It feels like that high is dwindling. I only wanted to watch Salo or Gaspar Noe's new one Climax. I have somewhat fucked up tastes I know. It is tough to say which I like more: Film or Literature. It is tough to match a 1,000 page masterpiece like Anna Karenina or Infinite Jest. But, a story like Inception or Irreversible backed by a Hans Zimmer or Thomas Bangalter soundtrack it may be close. Really, different experiences.
How many of you have therapist experiences? I was going to put up a poll but now I don't feel like it. I would be more interested to see comments in the comment section. What are your experiences with therapists? Did they give you hope? Did you experience positive change? I am reading a book by Irvin Yalom and he mentions that being the purpose of the therapist: to offer hope and to perhaps ignite change. I would have to say in the past most of my therapists have inspired hope or ignited change in some form or another. But, life is strange. At one point a suggestion to go to Refuge Recovery almost seemed life changing (and perhaps it was) where as now that suggestion would be like an ant sneezing. I will say I had one therapist that just didn't seem to understand me at all. She was still helpful but compared to my current therapist she was kind shit. My current therapist is just like a weirdo psychiatry/psychotherapy nerd but it works.
I don't think it would be one of my blogs if I didn't talk about my beard or my hair or whatever. I just trimmed my beard. I was going to grow it out but it just doesn't feel right. I am growing out my hair but we will see where that goes. I can't unsee this. Jared Leto's hair and beard combo is pretty perfect. Sometimes I feel like if I can achieve that my life would be better than it currently is. Pretty silly I know but there is some truth to that though too. Fuck, what am I talking about? I feel better having trimmed my beard. Certainly, I would feel better with a smart haircut. Just something to get by that looks complementary to my face shape and I don't have to fuss over it too much. Nothing too much. I hang out with broke people. I already feel silly wearing my $800 Zegna Sport jacket even if the weather calls for it (wind/rain).
Everyone is trying so hard to get ahead. Most of us want to fuck the swollen pussy of the hot bitch in heat. It seems like there are so many rules and stipulations for that among the human race. Jordan Peterson says something like the males choose the "appointed" male and that male gets all the swollen vaginas. Or, the vaginas get swollen in response to him. From my observations it is tough to say that is a completely inaccurate commentary. So, we are all scrambling around for that. Is this the way it is because of capitalism? Was all of this inevitable? Well, yes, I suppose it was inevitable. Is another system possible? We do have frontal lobes. While we may be similar to chimps or even dogs we are not chimps or dogs. I refuse to play the capitalist game. I do what I must to eat food and then plot in the darkness on how to overcome such a shitty position. Are these just the ramblings of a resentful InCel? To be honest, I am not even faring that well at my current job which is like a "noob" job. I mean most of the people that I work with we are fuck ups in some form or another. The work can be actually very stressful and we are getting paid nothing. Barely, a living wage. Baaarrreeellly. I mean people talk about $15/hr as a living wage. I guess I am not at 40 hours but I also live with my parents and don't have full normie expenses. The thing is I don't really have any idea how I would scale up. I don't want to scale up. I am just stuck. I am a stagnant, scared animal. I come home from work, eat a bunch of junk food, watch a movie, and hope I sleep. I am on like 6 medications, maybe more. Much of the time I just don't see a way out. My only solace is the beauty in the world. But, that seems to only get me so far.
I'm growing quite tired. I think what I need is another near death experience. I live quite well after near death experiences.
Do you think it's possible to skip something in our stream of consciousness? Like when we attempt to deliberately block something out it shows up the very next thing in our next sentence. If I think, "I won't go to the mall today, but I don't want anyone to know, so I won't mention it." Then my next sentence will probably involve something mall-related at a considerable distance.
It seems almost impossible to do anything other than sublimate your avoided thought into the next impulse. I suppose some people are better at this than others. If I had the perfect range-finder I'd probably excel at conversation, but I rarely hit anything other than aces. I guess that means that I'm quasi-autistic, like I have the same function but not the disorder.
I was pretty good at poker. I got to around $40/hr at NL50 back when things were pretty juicy. Dunno how they are these days.
I was sort of having the wanderlust to go the the U.S. Haven't been there for 5-6 years, so I'm planning a trip.
As things worked out I was able to take 3 weeks off from the lawyering stuff in June, so naturally I will be heading to Vegas as sort of a WSOP bucket list thing. Last time I was there I was 18, so you can imagine how much fun that was.
I definitely gonna try to stay at the Rio for 4-5 days (bucket list also+settle in), but I am looking for tips on accommodations for after that (preferably close to the Rio or other good casinos for tournaments. I will likely be gambling some small stakes tourneys. I'm also looking tips on other stuff to do in Vegas. If I get sick of Vegas too soon I might be heading to west. I heard goods things about San Diego so any tips related to that would also be great.
This is a long shot, but I'd like to ask the LP community if they're interested in a mental-coaching app for poker. Filling out the survey below will help my team on what audiences to target and which areas to prioritize such as concentration, consistency, and ability to not tilt:
I recently joined a team that consists of 2 PhD Sport Psychologists that regularly work with pro athletes, and are being approached by major esports teams. We're definitely going to target esports and sports, but we're also thinking of other niche areas that require a certain mindset to excel, and we think poker is one of them. During my time as a "pro poker player" the mental hurdles were half the battle. Knowing when to take a break, being honest with yourself to find leaks, and preparing mentally for a big tournaments were some things that I think affected my overall EV, and didn't do so well in those areas. But since I am no longer a full-time poker player, my opinions are somewhat invalidated, so I'd love to see the responses from the LP community.
Lastly, if you are interested in such an app, what stakes and how frequently do you play? This info will help us understand what kind of volume a poker player goes through as a pro or amateur.
Not that anyone realized I was gone. I just want to write out some experiences.
So, I recently found out that my health insurance doesn't cover any of my "Behavioral Health" costs at my current hospital. But, my PCP is still covered under their "Medical Care." So, the woman basically said "Your doctors will not agree with our agreement so fuck them (and fuck you)." Now, I either have to pay an exorbitant amount of money for the care I am currently receiving or switch to some LLC Pysch + Therapy combo. It's not all on the health insurance though. I re-examined the bills I was getting and they were horseshit. Double billing me. One of the charges was $440 for 1 hour but they billed me 1 hour of psychotherapy at $180 and 1 hour of psychiatry at $260. The doctor verified my meds and then we had a therapy session. It's all bullshit. Now, I have to get things straightened out with the doctors and the billing and I have to get things straightened out with my employer and their health insurance and I am going to have to make some wagers. I guess all parties have to negotiate or someone is going to get taken advantage of. It just feels like the person getting taken advantage of is me. In situations like this I want to strike out against everyone. I want to quit my Doctors, I want to quit my job, I want to quit capitalistic society. That is looking pretty bleak. Capitalism is the root cause of all my problems. I have been reading the Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu. I wish to discuss it further which means I don't have the Tao. I don't understand how I can be content with my lot in life. It's like capitalism causes sickness. Capitalism takes advantage of sickness. It's an absolute monster.
I have heard people feel patriotic when doing taxes. Fuck that! Mine aren't all that difficult except for TurboTax's shitty health insurance software. I had to re-do that 3 times. Fuck Countries! Fuck Parties! ni aux patries ni aux parties. It's all coercion. The shit system that we are supporting is depressing. Will nothing happen due to our depressed resignation???
That might be one of the most important questions to ask.
I made more than I made last year but my medical bills mixed with my increased cost of medical insurance I may or may not be doing better. I may be better off getting a job that doesn't offer insurance so I can get back on Obamacare. One rule about Obamacare is that if your employer offers insurance you HAVE to take it. Meaning I went from good Obamacare insurance to really shitty Mr. Jeff Bezos insurance. "Behavioral Health." Get the fuck out of here. Capitalism caused my bipolar and my alcoholism and still does. It's a miracle I don't still drink or do drugs. Donald Trump is anti-Tao. I don't really want to go after anybody I just want to go after something... Capitalism. I'm in the jungles right now. I'm still learning. I always seem to be still learning.
Ugh, too much to talk about.
I will go read "Capitalist Realism" by Mark Fisher and then take a walk in Nature.