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I have a wild and vivid imagination therefore I have wild and vivid expectations. I wish to be nothing. God is everything I am nothing. A formless, indescribable God. But I am not nothing. I am something out of nothing. Is that 9,984, 1, 10, or undefined? 0 + i = i. I fill the void with imagination. Imagination makes something out of nothing. My ego is not nothing. To even desire or expect my big ego to be nothing is the mark of a big ego. I wish I did not have expectations. My anxiety is my imagination run riot. Unmet positive expectations leads to resentment. So, it's crushing anxiety or resentment. That sounds like a bad deal.

I am a slave to creative productivity and projects. They say ambition for the work and nothing else will save us. Nothing will save us. Seeking God only makes us tired. Waiting for God takes patience. A lot of patience. Attention takes practice. Don't squander your attention. Would you rather pray to God or doomscroll the internet? The answer to that is easy for me. I have no option. Either God is everything or God is nothing. Gott ist alles oder Gott ist nichts. If I am nothing and God is everything what happens when I am something? 0 + "I" = "I"
I am everything and God is nothing.

How could this be? What is it?

I will wait for God. Sometimes I can see God in the Other, sometimes I can see God in the world's beauty. Maybe that is enough. God is not .9 of 1, he is 1. I am not .00000000009 in the Universe, I am 0. At least, so close to zero you might as well call it 0.

"Thy will be done"
1 day later
"My God, why has thou forsaken me"

Hoodie and a bonfire and some bread is a pretty good day. Maybe God is the best way I've found to fill the void yet. Or maybe I am just imagining God. 0 + G = G, does G = i? Maybe I'd be better off painting or jamming with some friends? Now, we are back to 0 + i = i: Activism, politics, drugs, sin, what we choose to fill the void is endless. It never ends until we die. The Malheur! The Malheur! What have my parents done?

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On Tuesday I was looking forward to a day off. I wasn't feeling great but decided to get down half a bagel. I started experiencing severe pain in my abdomen. My mom was like let's wait and see if it's food poisoning or stomach flu but the pain was not stomach cramping it was severe pain in my lower ride side of my abdomen. I threw up twice. I told my mom something was not right and we have to go now. I'm in the ER for forver. A CT Scan gets done. My appendix is "big and angry" according to the doctor. Time for emergency surgery.

Surgery went fine. They got the bastard out. Turns out it was ruptured and leaking so I have to stay extra days to go on antiobiotic ivs. It also turns out that I have a hernia so they fixed that too. Now, I'm just kind of bored and restless hence the blog. I read some Faulkner, took a nap, went for a walk and blah blah blah. I am not able to do a lot. I'm not even allowed to lift 5-10 lbs. for 6 weeks. I am happy to be breathing. I am grateful to not be in too much pain and to not be in the hospital.

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I'm not really in a mouse hole. I'm in quite a nice house in quite a nice neighborhood. I am probably a bit bitter. I am a bit bitter. It's ok. I'm working on it.

You know, coding is all fun and games until you get faced with some difficult problem sets. The first go around I basically copied code out of a book. I learned a few things. I tried that again. Copying code gives the illusion that you actually know something. It's similar with taking a course and just watching the lectures. It's all fun and games until the difficult problem sets come into the picture. Let's see if I persevere. It seems like I switch "passions" every month giving up whenever some adversity kicks in. It's quite a losing feeling. Work is not great so I need my time away from work to be great and that is a lot of pressure. On one hand it's like do I really want to be spending my time and attention on problem sets when I have to work and do all of this shit? But, if I am honest it's the only thing that really meant anything today. Well, shit, I lied. There was the lift, there was the novel, there was the walk, there was the phone conversation, et al. It's all human. The struggle. The condition. Human all too human. Human after all.

I sit again, drinking white tea and waiting for laundry. Waiting for Godot. How many of these am I going to write? Especially with the current landscape of LP.

Back to work tomorrow. I'm caught in this loop. Just getting by. How long can I last? What does a brighter future even look like?

I wrote on here before that I should budget a burn rate and then work towards that. That seems like a lot of work and maybe pointless. The path of least resistance is the path I am on and I don't know how to change. I silently thrash for comfort. Inertia reigns supreme. Overcoming inertia in entropy. Is it possible? It must be.

I gave an old AA friend a call the other day. We are going to an AA meeting on Saturday. I'm hoping there can be some spark there. Or, just a normal Saturday with a friend on a day off.

I haven't told anyone this yet but I watched the England v Argentina game the other day and found myself rooting for Argentina even though my family might disown me if they found out. When the England manager brought on the center backs and the Argentine manager brought on the strikers something stirred inside of me and I was totally gripped by the game. What an unbelievable game! I felt like I was a bit hungover from it today and I couldn't celebrate with anyone.

Maybe this is exactly what I needed. Even just sitting here in a dark room listening to Radiohead "Nude" ("Don't get any big ideas, they're not gonna happen") sippin' on white tea. Maybe that's what it's about. No I'm not going to be Nikolai Durov. I fucking suck at coding. As I said, I didn't get a perfect on the Math SAT or AP Calculus exam. I wasn't reading at 3 years old. I wasn't doing Astrophysics at age 6. I can still probably carve out a life for myself but damn, man, I've been saying that for years and then the years pass. "I can still probably carve out a life for myself." I should look back in my blogs and find out where I have said something like that. And, maybe I am carving a little bit of a life out for myself. My vacation was great. Tennessee was amazing. I'm typing this out on a brand new MacBook Air which I absolutely love. Going on walks and reading are 2 pillars of my life but I can't just leave it at that. I need more than just reading and walking. Food can't be a pillar. I just eat too much of it and get fat.

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