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On Tuesday I was looking forward to a day off. I wasn't feeling great but decided to get down half a bagel. I started experiencing severe pain in my abdomen. My mom was like let's wait and see if it's food poisoning or stomach flu but the pain was not stomach cramping it was severe pain in my lower ride side of my abdomen. I threw up twice. I told my mom something was not right and we have to go now. I'm in the ER for forver. A CT Scan gets done. My appendix is "big and angry" according to the doctor. Time for emergency surgery.

Surgery went fine. They got the bastard out. Turns out it was ruptured and leaking so I have to stay extra days to go on antiobiotic ivs. It also turns out that I have a hernia so they fixed that too. Now, I'm just kind of bored and restless hence the blog. I read some Faulkner, took a nap, went for a walk and blah blah blah. I am not able to do a lot. I'm not even allowed to lift 5-10 lbs. for 6 weeks. I am happy to be breathing. I am grateful to not be in too much pain and to not be in the hospital.

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I'm not really in a mouse hole. I'm in quite a nice house in quite a nice neighborhood. I am probably a bit bitter. I am a bit bitter. It's ok. I'm working on it.

You know, coding is all fun and games until you get faced with some difficult problem sets. The first go around I basically copied code out of a book. I learned a few things. I tried that again. Copying code gives the illusion that you actually know something. It's similar with taking a course and just watching the lectures. It's all fun and games until the difficult problem sets come into the picture. Let's see if I persevere. It seems like I switch "passions" every month giving up whenever some adversity kicks in. It's quite a losing feeling. Work is not great so I need my time away from work to be great and that is a lot of pressure. On one hand it's like do I really want to be spending my time and attention on problem sets when I have to work and do all of this shit? But, if I am honest it's the only thing that really meant anything today. Well, shit, I lied. There was the lift, there was the novel, there was the walk, there was the phone conversation, et al. It's all human. The struggle. The condition. Human all too human. Human after all.

I sit again, drinking white tea and waiting for laundry. Waiting for Godot. How many of these am I going to write? Especially with the current landscape of LP.

Back to work tomorrow. I'm caught in this loop. Just getting by. How long can I last? What does a brighter future even look like?

I wrote on here before that I should budget a burn rate and then work towards that. That seems like a lot of work and maybe pointless. The path of least resistance is the path I am on and I don't know how to change. I silently thrash for comfort. Inertia reigns supreme. Overcoming inertia in entropy. Is it possible? It must be.

I gave an old AA friend a call the other day. We are going to an AA meeting on Saturday. I'm hoping there can be some spark there. Or, just a normal Saturday with a friend on a day off.

I haven't told anyone this yet but I watched the England v Argentina game the other day and found myself rooting for Argentina even though my family might disown me if they found out. When the England manager brought on the center backs and the Argentine manager brought on the strikers something stirred inside of me and I was totally gripped by the game. What an unbelievable game! I felt like I was a bit hungover from it today and I couldn't celebrate with anyone.

Maybe this is exactly what I needed. Even just sitting here in a dark room listening to Radiohead "Nude" ("Don't get any big ideas, they're not gonna happen") sippin' on white tea. Maybe that's what it's about. No I'm not going to be Nikolai Durov. I fucking suck at coding. As I said, I didn't get a perfect on the Math SAT or AP Calculus exam. I wasn't reading at 3 years old. I wasn't doing Astrophysics at age 6. I can still probably carve out a life for myself but damn, man, I've been saying that for years and then the years pass. "I can still probably carve out a life for myself." I should look back in my blogs and find out where I have said something like that. And, maybe I am carving a little bit of a life out for myself. My vacation was great. Tennessee was amazing. I'm typing this out on a brand new MacBook Air which I absolutely love. Going on walks and reading are 2 pillars of my life but I can't just leave it at that. I need more than just reading and walking. Food can't be a pillar. I just eat too much of it and get fat.

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My vacation is coming to an end.

My uncle is a boss. Probably makes $200,000/yr managing industry plant equipment and he wears second hand clothing. Two Toyotas in the two car garage. Beautiful house in the Appalachian Mountains. 3 minutes away from endless hiking trails.

I was listening to Bluegrass music through the Appalachian Mountains. I was almost high for like an hour.

Now, I'm back home. It feels like I'm already back on the grind. Preparing to lift some weights and preparing for work again.

I didn't really have any deep conversations with my siblings. They were busy working or there was just not really time for it. My brother was constantly working or getting ready for a trip to Alaska. The only conversation we had was about the S&P 500. I was saying you can get better gains with a little bit of work and he was just saying you can get 10-20% over the last 5 years then he went back to work. I didn't get to bring up I was talking about post-inflation and post-taxes gains. Not that I even know that much about the subject because I don't know what inflation has been over the past 5 years.

I went out to dinner with my sister but she spent most of the time talking to my mom and dad. She is also incredibly kid-centric at this point. My brother too. The kids are the center of the universe as they should be I guess. It's the same with my other sister. She has a 5 yr old and a 2 yr old that are a major handful. The vacation was generally relaxing though and decompressing. Not much action. No spa visits. Maybe I should have done a float tank or something. Lots of walks and reading. Jamming with my nephew was a highlight.

One thing that I found a little weird is that both my sister's supposedly got divorced but my one sister is thinking of getting back together if he can "change" whatever the fuck that means. My other sister is still living with her husband until they officially adopt the foster child which is also super weird. I guess divorce is rarely ever clean.

I don't have any revelations to share unfortunately. It's just life. Oh, one thing about nature and food. Food is important. It's more important not to eat shit or overeat. I think it's difficult to be fat and happy especially if it affects one's health. But food is sacred. It is needed to survive. Saying a prayer before eating some pad thai followed by some fruit and sticky rice felt sacred. It is a worthwhile ritual. My uncle and aunt said they hit the mountain trails for at least an hour or two every night. It's magical. The giant lake and mountains are so still and calm.

Backrooms was a fun movie. I love the aesthetic. I just went alone. It would be a good date movie. It reminded me of when I was back in college going on dates and the women would basically jump into my arms. I was still a virgin so didn't capitalize on such an easy situation or I would get too drunk. Not even too drunk that my penis wouldn't work but so drunk that I'd be passed out vomiting on myself. Neither is very attractive.

I'm reading Surface Detail by Iain M. Banks currently. I'm about half way through. I think all these tech overlords just assume AI will lead to that scenario. No one wants to be left in the dust. I like Ed Zitron's analogy that we have Spotify that is like $12/month for pretty much any music you could ever want and OpenAI will have to charge like $100/month for something that does some things pretty well like coding and academic maths but still hallucinates and at this point isn't that much better than a search engine.

I have some other curiosities with Veppers and Elon Musk but I will have to finish the book before I really comment too much on that. I have seen Elon Musk have some pretty warped interpretations of the books that he "loves."

Anyways, I have to get to the gym.

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