I found this game Poker Arena on GTO Wizard and I've been playing this damn game. It's a HU SNG where you start with 25 bbs and blinds go up every 4 hands. The UI and UX is pretty good. The structure obviously is not. It has still been kind of fun. I would rather at least 2 table 200bbs deep but I don't know where I can do that anywhere besides playing the AI on GTO Wizard and I don't really want to pay $99/month just to do that. It seems like every spring every 2 years or so I get the bug to play poker. I will not be putting any money online. Ignition was shit. ACR was shit. Both required a social security card, blood sample, and stool sample to get my money off the damn sites. I don't even think HU poker exists online anymore. In cash game format or HU SNG format. The problem with Poker Arena is there isn't really any skin in the game. The top 3 players from the ladder win free GTO Wizard Elite supscriptions for 3 months. Players that play 500 games get a grinder badge and put into a lottery for a 1 month subscription to GTO Wizard Elite. It's just not worth it but now I have the poker bug and nowhere to go. I was thinking I could look into getting a new video game? I look back on my Grim Dawn season fondly. Maybe get back into Magic: The Gathering? Is it possible to 2 table on Poker Now?
It's been awhile. I'm slowly sipping on some Gatorade because I have been getting over a gnarly stomach bug. I have no energy. I slept all day. I didn't go to work. Kind of a shitty day.
It's been same ole same ole here for the most part. I've got the job that doesn't pay enough money. I try to get up to some stuff when I'm not working but it's mostly the tried and true walking the dog, reading, music. I try to sneak some novelty in there where I can. I try to sneak some human connection in there where I can. The job seems to be a constant struggle with burnout. Some days I'm in the danger zone of burnout while others if I'm making music life feels ok.
Writing out the mundane existence that is my life isn't as fun as it used to be. Maybe my expectations were too high.
I was going to get a MacBook Pro and Logic Pro because Ableton Live 11 Intro is too limited but instead I made a great maneuver and got Reaper. Reaper is not limited for me whatsoever. From my point of view it appears to be limitless and nicer to use than Ableton. Just my opinion. I've been plugging in my guitar directly into the interface and I have so many amps and pedals to choose from it's great. There is even a digital Drop pedal which I haven't tried yet but it's $5. I've been mostly playing my 6 string electric. I got burnt out on my bass practicing Hal Leonard's Method Book and my sister came into town and I had to pack away the guitars and amps and I've just been picking up the 6 string electric. I am not sure if this is the way to go about learning the bass and 6 string electric. It's just what happened.
I've been reading a lot. Lately, it's been Hermann Hesse. Never read him before recently. I read Steppenwolf and Siddhartha and now I am readng Narcissus and Goldmund.
I guess it wouldn't be a RiKD blog if I didn't post some music:
Ok. That felt ok. Kind of like I was just coloring in the numbers but ok. I felt like I had to give it a go but honestly there are better things I could do with my time even if I am getting over a stomach bug.
We have drifted into a new season: Fall. I have employment. I feel like Bojack running up the hill.
I ate a bunch of food when I got home tonight. The only thing I want to do these days is read Roberto Boloña. I have to let that food settle for a bit. I have to let my thoughts settle for a bit. I didn't eat so much food that it was straight up terrible emotional eating I was just hungry but regardless I have to let it all settle. Working a late shift is always a bit awkward with sleep and eating. At least I have tomorrow off. The job was really killing me. My body couldn't handle all the bending, twisting, turning, and reaching. I was taking Tylenol and doing my best to rest up. THERE IS NO REST ONLY REST FOR WORKING! I think I just need to continue taking it day by day. Tonight was honestly pretty slow it wasn't too bad. I didn't need to take Tylenol or lie down.
I am grateful to still be alive but I do not know if I would rather have not been born. There is something in life. A human soul. A human spirit. It would be a tragedy to extinguish that. That is where my mind wanders. There is not really much pleasure in this job. It's not some project that seems worthwhile. The fact that I am an essential worker doesn't really make it any better. The problem with suicide is it is so god damn violent. Even going up Canada to sit in one of those machines that gasses me to death in 30 seconds is terrifying to me. I wouldn't want my parents to walk in on me dead: Slit wrists or hanging or shotgun blast or whatever. Sometimes in my mind it's inevitable. Especially from these years from 40-55 or so.
At least I have Roberto Boloña and my dog and my cat and my family. The Solitude never happened because I was working. Trapped in an establishment dealing with customers all day is the opposite of a Solitude. I wrote 0 words. I did read a lot though. White Noise by Don Delillo and Freedom by Jonathan Franzen were pretty great. Roberto Boloña is better.
I'm just navigating through this early Autumn. The weather gets very pleasant down here at this time. I have a lot of things to be grateful for. It just never feels that way for me. At least I have a day off tomorrow. That is what I am living for. The fleeting days off. Which so far were so anxiety ridden and frazzled and fragmented. I am just hoping I will adapt to the job. It's such a big part of my life now it's kind of jolting and revolting. I am used to lying in bed reading all day, taking the dog for walks, and generally being pretty idle. It is difficult to let go of frantic speed for hours upon hours. I am hoping I will adapt to the job. I wish there was an andante lightswitch I could hit when I'm not on the clock. It's still rest for work no matter how one slices it. There is no escape, there is no avoidance. Unfortunately, it has to be done. Which it is the adult thing to do. Even though it is embarrassing I'm surrounded by kids. It's not like I dropped out of high school to play poker. I have a degree. I'm not a dummy or maybe I am. It probably wouldn't even bother me if I had some sort of progress in the arts. 2 unpublished novellas in 2 years seems like the opposite of productive although I try not to look at it in the light of production. Production is for factories. I just want to live. I just want to live.
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