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  RiKD, Sep 08 2021

My parents have been negotiating the final stages of purchasing a house lately and all they can talk about is the same damn stuff over and over and over again. I am getting a taste how a lot of people may feel on here. Who is narcissistic enough to just continually write blogs and expect people to read them? Well, me. And, yeah, they can be pretty bleak sometimes. Over and over and over again.

Time to get honest:

I am getting fucking old. I am 37. That is why I am losing it and contemplating giving up. It's not that 37 is so bad it's just that it's all downhill from here. I can't play basketball anymore. I can't do a lot anymore.

I weighed 249 lbs at 6'2'' today at my doctor's appointment. That's pretty fat and it is starting to effect just about every aspect of my life.

I am not exactly sure how I am going to combat this. I think it starts with a plant-based whole food diet even though my doctor told me to reduce carbs like bread, potatoes and rice. That's ok he's a good PCP. My GI doctor told me plant-based whole food and all of my findings have always said plant-based whole food. The danger here is if I don't do anything right now I may get diabetes and I really don't want to starve myself and eat animal products for the rest of my life or get a shot or any other horrendous aspect of that.

I'm not sure how I'm going to train. I think I can still run. I think I can still swim. I think I can still ride a bike. I think I could probably do these things into my 50s. Yoga. My sister always tells me I should train for my mental health first.

I am terrible at goals. I have another GI doctor visit in the middle of November. That gives me 2 solid months to get after it and to see what I can do. One thing in my favor is that the weather outside should be getting less perilous and I can train outside all year round here.

I don't like the performance society.

I don't like the burnout society.

I don't like bare life (survival). Having no consideration for the good life but to pump up the health level and see who can have the oldest corpse is not for me. I don't really want to start loading up heart monitors and smart watches and eating gruel every day. We will see. We will see.

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Comments (12)

Samurai Cats
  RiKD, Sep 03 2021

I don't want to be that guy who narrates his life but fuck I am that guy that narrates his life. (It is perhaps damaging to me – I like hurting myself –


I have no community only long distance communication.

I had a dream last night that I was reborn into a modern samurai. My power is that I was very adept with the skills of a samurai and I had telepathic communication with cats. Then Contrapoints played with my penis. I was afraid to play with hers so I went to some un-named big box store and it turned out I had left a dead, green Dodge Caravan in the parking lot and they were upset with me. I didn't give a fuck but the last time that happened I was kidnapped by some Hispanic cartel. Luckily, this time I woke up.

The beauty of sleep. This wonderful other consciousness we can slip into and know nothing about. I think if I had 5 beers I would make out with Contrapoints. I don't know if I would fuck her in the ass. Who am I kidding? I totally would but I would be afraid to. The bro is still too strong in me. A penis is a lot more intimidating than a burgeoning clitoris a top a lovely vagina. I don't think I am capable of giving an enthusiastic blow job.

It is a lot of fun to be a superhero samurai with cat friends who gets hand jobs from women who still have a penis. She knew what she was doing.

It is certainly better than real life in which I am a negative - net - worth - broke dead - beat - bum. To global neoliberal capitalism I am in the "waste" category. They wish to make me feel ashamed and guilty and I FUCKING DO (!) even though in reality I am a by product of a failing society. It would be best for global neoliberal capitalism if I was even more ashamed and guilty and fully focused on exploiting myself to the benefit of capital. Or, if I was in jail. I throw around killing myself on here too much but it may be the only last laugh I'll ever get. Although I don't think I will be laughing pumped full of Ativan and a gas mask on my mouth. DEATH


I have a doctor's appointment in a week where he is going to want to get everything in order in regards to my liver aka my diseased liver. Maybe a good thing is that if there is just a spot of cancer on my liver they can probably operate on that (which I likely can't afford). I am holding true to my gumption that I do not want a new liver in my body. It will probably be good to have an honest conversation with the doctor.


Dunno if I out narcissism'd tutz.

Coming out of no where to just post pictures of your vanity I mean kid is pretty up there.

But, look at all of my blog posts. It is FAST communication. It is a narration of my life. I am the King of Narcissism. I am a poster boy for 21st century fuck up. How many times can global neoliberal capitalism eat me up and spit me out and eat me up and spit me out and eat me up and spit me out before I fucking die or do it myself or figure it out or kill myself. How long can I go on a run before I lose it all again and again? Torn and ripped and tattered and damaged. I am no hero and I am not a villain. I am reality. I AM REALITY! HEAR ME BELLOW! HEAR ME MOAN! HEAR ME SIGH! FEEL ME DIE!!!

(Never Forget. You will die. Bitch.)

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Comments (19)

Protect me from what I want
  RiKD, Aug 28 2021

I was at a museum with a Jenny Holzer exhibit and it peaked my interest. Google attributes Holzer with the quote "Protect me from what I want." Google also said that Picasso said that. I don't know. I always thought that it was Byung-Chul Han that said that.

I have been re-reading some of Han's work and it has been pleasing.

I still love his idea of work and leisure. Especially for the self achievement subject, the entrepreneur of the self, the "free" self-exploiter.

There is no leisure with work. A break from work is nothing but a period of time to rest so that even more work can be done. It's the same with the night off and the weekend. It's bloody the same with the Frenchman who takes August off for vacation.

I think I have probably had about 500 days away from work at this point. Not all of that leisure because even at the beginning there was a fear of going back to work. Then there was the fear of running out of money and having to go back to work. I think there was a sweet spot in there somewhere when I was released from the grips of work anxiety on both ends and it was quite lovely although we were also under the grips of Covid and isolation.

There was a Yale course I took that talked about the 5 things most needed to live a better life.

- sleep
- exercise
- human connection
- mindfulness
- gratitude

It seemed reasonable enough and it was backed up by some science.

Working hinders a lot of this stuff.

I think the key to what Han is saying is that any work and leisure is ruined. And, I really should be using the term wage labor instead of work. Many of us have a lot we would like to work on but do not have the time, focus, money.

I am just saying there was a sweet spot in Covid where I had plenty of money and my parents were afraid of catching it that I had some semblance of freedom. I would say I hit a period of leisure albeit leisure in the midsts of a pandemic that I really relish. Perhaps it has damaged some of my future opportunities in certain areas but it is not worth it to worry about. There is nothing to be done about it.

I want to be able to say "at my leisure" or "I would prefer not to" (Bartelby The Scrivener - Mellville). That is the power that I would like to have in my life. I don't know. I am unsure if guys like me ever accumulate "Fuck you" money. I just have to kind of bang around in the world and come across something that will keep me going. I have not touched python in 2 weeks. Python is certainly intriguing. This macbook pro is about to die and I do not plan on ever buying another Apple product ever again so I might start all over on my desktop. Then the question will be do I go Linux or Microsoft. I hate microsoft but I have never used Linux so it is sort of a dilemma unless Linux Ubuntu really is the shit.


I wish to have a good life not necessarily a long life.


A byproduct of Will to Power is exploitation whether that is self-exploitation or exploiting Others.

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Comments (9)

Back in Radford, MA + other
  RiKD, Aug 14 2021

I'm back in Radford, MA. I went for a walk last night through the farms and got the great aromas of freshly cut grass and cow manure. I am serious. I would not want to wear it as a fragrance but if all I wanted was an isolated walk through the farms that's exactly the smell I want. I can't wait for the tried and true school walk + cemetery walk in a little bit. It makes me think about how to best educated the next generation and even how to educate my generation. Then I take a long, slow walk through a cemetery to contemplate and linger on death and life and death and how to live an authentic life.

It makes me think about how I want to just ride it out on this 1 liver. Whatever happens happens. I don't think I want to be a cyborg person but I am not convinced of this. Even if I get a transplant the prospects are not good.

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Comments (11)

kimchi fries + capri sun
  RiKD, Aug 10 2021

kimchi fries + capri sun = FIRE!


Has anyone done CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy)?

I feel like there will be a fairly small subset of people who have done it.

I also think on here there will be a large crowd of people who are zero to a little bit fluent with CBT who will denigrate it.

Probably none of us have read any of the appropriate journals although I am very suspicious of psychology.

I got a new therapist yesterday and it was ok to talk to her. At least I don't want to fuck her like my last 2 psychiatrists. This therapist is going to push CBT onto me and I don't really know how I feel about that yet.

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Comments (8)

Best coding music
  RiKD, Aug 06 2021

1.) aphex twin
2.) deadmau5
3.) NIN

What is your top 3 favorite artists to code to (or work on your computer to, etc.)?

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Comments (10)

  RiKD, Jul 30 2021

I went for a walk on the beach today as always. I passed a woman who was with like 4 or 5 kids... They were everywhere. As I am walking towards her she goes "ohhhh, I love your snail (tattoo)!" I respond kind of blankly as I always do now, "oh, thank you." Then as I passed her, "OMG I love that owl (tattoo)! Owls are my spirit animal!"
I gave like a Phil Mickelson smile after making a very easy par putt or something and walk away. As I am walking away she yells at me, "Where have you been all my life!?"

She was not a kid goofing around. She was like 30-35 and very attractive which her behavior was a bit strange regardless. I have nothing to offer a woman besides late-night organ donor at this point so I just walked away with out saying anything. In the past there is no way I would have past that up as I would also have been at least a good amount drunk. Encounters like that make life more fun. I just have to figure out how to get at least like $3,000-$4,000 in the checking account per month and I feel like that encounter goes a little differently too. Ideally get my own business going again making $10,000+/month but I don't know if that is possible for me ever again. I don't really know what to say about money that hasn't already been said. I do know that being trapped in service for 7 years can be hellish. And, it seems that all this town really has is service. Service, car factory, jet factory, steel mill... I'm missing stuff but jobs are pretty bleak here if you aren't an engineer. Great fucking place to retire but not a great place to live as a 30 something trying to improve his/her life.

Yet, crust punks have boyfriends and girlfriends and enby-partners and all of the combos all the same. I don't know if I am willing to make the leap to crust punk and I am also tentative to attempt a comeback within capitalism. I have doctors who are telling me to take the disability and I have doctors that wonder why I am not working. I am really out of it too. Literally none of my clothes have buttons or zippers because I want to be free. I am like an artist in every way except in reality I am just a weirdo that doesn't actually ship any art nor wants to. So, I need to pay bills. I need to eat. I need shelter. I need clothes. There has got to be something about me that I can leverage for wealth. I want money to grow in my sleep.

By the way,

L'esprit de l'escalier

I feel like the best, most fun response to the woman at the beach today would have been to stop and respond, "Where have YOU been all my life?" Maybe, that's really cheesy although there isn't really a bad response. Just stopping and shrugging and saying "I don't know" works.

The problem as I said is that any house of cards that I build up or try to hide will tumble eventually under the least bit of scrutiny in how my life is going at the moment. The best policy is to be honest but no one wants to be with someone who is broke, in debt, and struggling to pay bills. I could attempt to pull off late-night organ donor when she is lonely but that is a weird setup especially with out drugs or alcohol ever being involved. Not to say that 2 strangers can't set some thing up because I have been part of arrangements like that before but it's usually spurt of the moment type of things fueled by alcohol. Plus, I will not have sex with a woman if she is too drunk if I have never had sex with her. Plus, if I ask her out to coffee and I am worried that my credit card will be declined that is not a good position to be in. I just sit at home eating mayonnaise sandwiches trying to figure out how to pass the time so I can take my sedatives and sleep as long as possible. Who the fuck wants to live that life? Even if they've never played The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild? There is no way any of it works unless she wants to cover everything in exchange for some dick. What does that even turn into? I heard of a guy who basically manipulated cougars for a living but I don't want to do that. I don't know what I want to do. I never have. That is my problem.

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Comments (6)

Riley Reid
  RiKD, Jul 22 2021

I am back on Twitter for whatever reason. I suppose the logic is that if I just follow a bunch of dope artists and the sharpest people I know of some good info will flow to me. I saw someone I follow following Riley Reid and I was like "yeah, this could be interesting." Riley Reid and Sasha Grey are two women in porn who I feel like attack it with a certain intensity that just makes a lot of their videos feel more engaging and transcendental. Riley's first thing in her bio is that she is an atheist. Aggro atheists are an interesting bunch. I feel like I qualify as an atheist but maybe not really. The more I have lived the more it feels like something is out there. Aliens for sure somewhere in the universe. I feel like that with what I have experienced the chance of simulation has increased. I really don't know though. What if the biology of rainforests which may seem magical and beyond what anyone can even comprehend at this point could be deemed godlike whatever that means. I don't necessarily feel sorry for those that pray to a patriarchal god. If mental gymnastics can be achieved to the point that Fear in God is the only fear and it can be prayed away then maybe that is not a bad way to go about things. I don't think I will ever make that leap of faith but shit if I could just pray instead of taking an Ativan maybe I should consider that shit.

I was going to do a portion of this blog on the male gaze in porn but I doubt anyone on here is actually interested in that. The only takeaway for LP nerds would be that there is nothing to be learned for guys from male gaze porn. It's actually the opposite. Buy some books or videos that actually focus on having good sex. Not some pumped up bro with a mutant penis pounding away to the degree that it produces a clapping sound for 6 minutes then the guy jizzes into the starlett's eyeball. That is terrible. I think most people on this site are in their 30s if there even are people still on this site so maybe everyone gets it by this point but posting for those that maybe didn't know male gaze porn is not how to learn sex.

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Comments (14)

  RiKD, Jul 20 2021

I am constantly re-starting. I still keep my xp points, skill points, and loot I have just been re-starting lately.

I re-built up The Nerd Machine (my desktop computer). It's pretty rag tag. Best Gateway Gaming Desktop from 2009 and potentially a Samsung 20'' Monitor from 2006 (lol). I really enjoy my blue switch key keyboard and new Razer mouse. There was a Warcraft III Battle Chest collecting dust in my bookshelf I had to open and play. I am trash especially compared to like Moon and Lawliet but I did remember most of the hotkeys. One time I pressed "T" with a Keeper for "Treants" but it's the lvl 6 move Tranquility that started "healing" my entire army who was at full life and out of danger. Also, I feel like the keyboard setup was slightly different because I kept hitting "v" for Death Knight coil which is OBVI "C" for any Death Knight users out there. I was typically random back in the day except my Human was pretty bad compared to the other 3. Oh well, I got fairly addicted to it where the only thing I wanted to do was play Warcraft III (TFT) but then got like really sick of it when the nostalgia wore off. There is like only so many fun builds against each race and no hope of me surpassing INFI so it just got kind of stupid.

My time is much better spent getting better at the guitar. I was re-stringing my guitar today and busted 3 strings. I am still legitimately tilted by it. The low E is a punto as I restrung it and tuned it fine. Then the A string stripped and busted when I was tuning and I think the other 4 are fucked. So, clearly I did something wrong and I don't know what I did wrong or why the low E was done correctly. It tilted me so much that I am just done for at least today and I'm more interested in making shit music on Garage Band than getting good at the guitar.

A friend convinced me to try out coding. I remember in 2006 I was interested in coding and my librarian mom brought home a 1,000 page book on Python and I was like wat?

Then I got good at other stuff but right now there is not really any excuse. I thought some things were outs that weren't in the last 7 years. Coding might be my only out. Coding & media are great outs if possible. But, clearly my shit on Garage Band is not going to pay the bills and as much as I like some of my paintings I don't really have much interest into trying to monetize them.

I don't really want to spend too much time on this since I haven't actually ever coded before but apparently their are programs out there that attempt to gamify it so it's not like taking some awful computer science course in university.

I've heard of code academy and learn code the hard way. Is this accurate?

I heard AWice say that he could make a better project than these. Did he do it?

Did anyone do it?

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Comments (4)

Go Fuck Yourself.
  RiKD, Jul 10 2021

I am approaching new levels of broke that I've never experienced before. I don't need to get into all the details but the biggest thing is I haven't really been putting up much of a fight. There are still avenues I just haven't tried. I'm sick of fighting with capitalism every step of the way over not starving or the shot in the dark of finding some joy. Capitalism's take on joy is a perverted production of what they've convinced people joy is or should be. I don't know if the people down at the psych ward signed me up for disability or I still have to do that. It's all bullshit. Thankfully or un-thankfully the suicidal ideations are not that crazy. They could definitely get crazy. I don't think that much about suicide at the moment but it is the type of thing that I don't know if I care to live or if I care to die. If someone were to kidnap me and tie me down and maim me starting with my testicles and penis, of course, I would not like that very much. If they were to tie me up to a pole and empty a magazine of an AK-47 into my torso I am unsure how much I would care.

I haven't ever properly been in love. Maybe that is something to live for. My viewpoint now is that it is just fucked up chemicals in the brain. Then we have to deal with those fucked up chemicals in the brain after it ends. How could I ever honestly say I love someone until death due us part or even past that to some sick multi-dimensional eternity game. Like I can really say I am going to love someone not only for maybe 30 years but through infinite time in infinite dimensions? Really? All partnership really is is new benefits and new downsides. I think for a lot of the lucky ones the benefits outweigh the downsides but it is not like there are any guarantees here. The thing is if the chemicals are firing we are all fucking blind. I never disliked a woman when my throbbing penis was in her wet, warm, throbbing vagina. And, of course, that is not the only time I liked her. Maybe I have some misogynist tendencies I don't know about but most of those have faded away through out time and education.

I haven't really thought about hitting the bottle either. I am reading this book on addiction. AA is totally inadequate at explaining the science of addiction. There is some glimmer of hope that I could find a sweet-spot from say 10 units of Kentucky Bourbon to 20 but the problem is I know that it is total compulsion. I will drink until I pass out which is actually an added bonus for someone who hates to be conscious. When my only thoughts are, "I'm barely breathing... I wonder if I will wake up tomorrow... Do I care?" *Fade to black*

My striatum has found new things to be excited about and I think that is what addiction is about anyways. Finding new things for the striatum to get excited about and dopamine to pump towards something better than compulsively drinking myself to death.

I get excited about the electric guitar. As long as I keep getting excited about the electric guitar I may actually have more chance of getting good because my striatum and dopamine are probably a bit fucked up. I bet many on this site are a bit fucked up. Between Starcraft and Poker our striatums and dopamine pump got fucked up for sure. There was a time where literally poker was the only thing that brought me dopamine. One time I was playing poker and ignored an attractive women that was drunk but not too drunk and came up to my room to sleep with me and I told her I was busy.

Later, I had my drinking rituals which always placed drinking and myself before anything. Which basically just meant that I would compulsively drink until I passed out and then do that every single day of the year. That is such a gross spot to be in. So, I am in a better spot now than I was then but I am still in a pretty gross spot 7+ years later. And, the thing is I am not really sure how to get out of all of this mess. The only way I figure is losing consciousness. Sleeping a lot can be fun but all of the problems are still there. It is the same scenario with drinking, drugs, video games, good film... The only kind of escape that will truly work is to kill myself. I was not made for this place and time. I am so sick of trying to be malleable. It never works out. It hasn't worked out. I somehow still have hope that it can work out but that bullshit positivity does not mean that it must work out or it will work out. I am not an undead soldier.

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