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I don't want to snort cocaine or shoot heroine now
  RiKD, Dec 26 2017

I am in an airport writing this blog and people watching. This place is packed. I don't want to snort cocaine or shoot heroine. I had a good time with my family. I could also duck out and read some Foucault or watch a Corey Anton video on YouTube. It was fun talking to my brother-in-law about cryptocurrencies. I heard the McAfree guy predicted bitcoin would be at $1,000,000 by 2020. I am definitely going to start tinkering around finding some alternative coins that I like.

All in all it was a pretty good trip though. Laid back for sure. I was in a onesie for a day and a half. That or sweatpants the whole trip. It was good seeing my family. It felt like I didn't talk to my brother all that much. I was mostly hanging out with my sisters. I stayed at my sister's because my sister-in-laws brother got drunk and threw a fit that he was not getting the room with the queen size bed so I just said whatevs and slept on my sister's couch. Dude is definitely a problem drinker having a hard time with life. There is a standing offer to go to AA meetings but after Roderick it is almost like what's the point. The point is having a worthwhile project of helping people and making friends. I have a desire not to drink and that is all I need for membership. Now, whether I will "belong" or not is another story.

My flight is delayed an hour so that is just one less hour of sleep I will get so far. We'll see. We will see. We will see is all I can say many times in life.

Women in yoga pants with pronounced buttocks. I can't help it if the eye is drawn to such objects.

I packed my damn headphones in the checked back. Fuck.

I don't know if there is anything I want to discuss. "Discipline and Punish" by Foucault but I am not really far enough into it. I changed my mind on it. The history of the modern soul is a pretty fascinating topic.

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Sometimes I want to snort cocaine and do heroine
  RiKD, Dec 22 2017

I wrote a too long blog post last night and did not title it and clicked post and lost it. Probably for the better. I have a feeling this is some form of addiction, habit, routine. I appreciate the feedback. It feels like I am inching forward.

So, yesterday I worked close to close fueled by caffeine, anxiety, and adrenaline. I was speed making everything all day. In a way it was kind of fun. I enjoy cutting onions, peppers, mozzarella, et al. It is fun to see how fast I can go without cutting myself. I have a night's sleep under my belt now I don't feel as worried about what will happen when I am not there. We have been getting slammed recently most likely due to the holidays and I was barely keeping us afloat and I am not sure if the new guy can keep up. The restaurant may just run out of food too because the owner did not buy enough. I guess these are problems out of my control. I am going on vacation to visit family for a handful of days and would like to enjoy it. One thing about yesterday is I was all amped up thinking about ways I could incorporate speed into my day. Caffeine half life is too small and I don't like having to drink coffee or energy drinks all day. I was thinking of starting to do coke. Then I am in the bathroom every 30 min. lol. Adderall might be the play. I am trying to lose a bit of weight too so if I don't eat that is all the better.

Grimes - Visions is a good album.

So, we are cosmically insignificant. Cosmically nothing. So close to zero it might as well be zero but why does this music effect me so? Why does this Monet make my soul sing?

I feel a kinship to Basquiat. Frantically going from one thing to the other look for some opium to quell the demons. The negative structures of life. When my drinking was at its worst in Shittown, IN I was slightly psychotic for months. I covered my apartment in journals, poetry, philosophy, artwork, whatever. When my dad came out when I went into the psych ward he threw all of that away no questions. I still may have a resentment about that. It doesn't really matter. I really have yet to find my stride. Sometimes it feels like I am settling in many parts of my life. Sometimes I feel like I put too much pressure on myself to get something, to get somewhere. Is my job good enough for now or am I cheating myself by not getting something "better"? I am slowly meeting quality people. That is all I can really ask for. Things to think about.

I am really liking this Willow - F Q-C #8

Just grab your neighbor's hand and get comfortable. Just as long as I don't have to say a Lord's Prayer.

Sometimes I feel like a rat in a cage. Where is the Rat Fun Park? Paris, patios, and picnic tables. I met a student from Paris once and he said students get into the Luvre for free. He would go everyday. That is heaven. Not this stuff they talk about in the Lord's Prayer. I mean there is no evidence for anything as far as I know. I think it is a bit tougher to think about just dying and ceasing to exist. IMMORTALITY is what we all dream about. Would we even want that if it were possible? Does death add to life? I know I get more of a thrill out of driving really fast because I might crash and get injured or die.

Alright, I should start packing.

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Tuesday Night
  RiKD, Dec 19 2017

Lana Del Rey:

My Pussy tastes like Pepsi Cola.

In the land of Gods and Monsters,
I was an angel,
Looking to get fucked hard.

I love this woman. I just wanted to share those two but I am back listening to the Born to Die/Paradise deluxe album. I find I like Lust for Life as well. Have never got into Ultraviolence or Honeymoon as much. I may just be sleeping on those.

Finished the quick intro to Morin and am excitedly waiting for On Complexity in the mail. I don't know what I am doing next. I may finish The Communist Manifesto by Marx or start some Freud. I figure I should finish those 2 before getting to the Postmodernists. Then I will probably go Foucault, Derrida, Baudrillard. Or, I might just read Morin. There is also Tree of Knowledge just hanging out at the moment. I will of course turn to Money by Martin Amis when I want something a bit lighter.

I am a secular extrovert. I am not sure what secular has to do with becoming an unemployed recluse being bad for me. I definitely need people in my life though (extrovert).

I take myself too seriously sometimes. Sometimes it is good to be serious. Other times it is time to lighten up and laugh and smile. I need to recognize this in my day to day life.

I've really just got some time to kill before the meeting. Now I've written some stuff. I might as well click post and add on if I think of anything.

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Sunday Morning
  RiKD, Dec 17 2017

Today I get a day off. My circadian rhythm held true. I was up with the sun more or less and I feel pretty good. I have thrown on Zola Jesus and I am going to see where it takes me. Many times I think it is best to write with complete silence but who really cares right?

I don't like when new acquaintances tell me to pray. It has been almost a shocking revelation in some circles that I don't pray and it has become an annoyance in my life. At the core I go to AA because I have a desire not to drink. I suppose it is problematic that one of the steps is to carry the message of AA and another step is to pray and meditate. This just was not a problem in Pittsburgh but there is a different culture here probably influenced by being in the bible belt. I really don't want to get into arguments with these people. I just won't pray and share my perspective if they ask but otherwise it is water under the bridge except it is not because I am writing about it. I want things to be different when I should accept that prayer and in god we trust and god bless america are a part of where I am. I just need to find others that are more on the same page but also not give up on certain people just because they have decided to pray.

The fact that I don't put thyme in the Italian or the balsamic vinaigrette is going to chase me until I start putting it in I think. I woke up thinking about that this morning and was like "fuck." It may seem like a little thing but it itches at me at times. It makes work that little more stressful. I am also a bit stressed because we have another guy getting some hours in but he is not very good and I don't know if it will be enough but all I can really do is do my best. I think it is why the thyme thing bothers me because that is not my best and I know it. I should not be stressing over work on my days off but I suppose it is a natural thing from time to time.

This Zola Jesus is pretty good. I am on Veka and really digging it.

Speaking of Jesus one of my friends at work and I were having a discussion on my break. He is a young guy like 21 I think but he is a voracious reader and very inquisitive. We always have good conversations. To think a dishwasher and a prep cook at a chain restaurant having lucid conversation on Socrates and other topics. He cracked me up though. We were talking about dominance hierarchies and potentially being free from them and he basically said he was addicted to materialism:

"Man, if Jesus comes back you think he wouldn't take a spin in a lambo?"

I don't think he would but america's Jesus certainly would. He would be toting guns, eating big macs, and fucking big breasted blondes.

It's a shame though that these youth have that programming. That materialism is god. God bless materialism. God bless Capitalism. Got bless America. America. Such a ridiculous usage. What about South America? United States of America. Such a crock. They are not in the least bit united. I rather live in France or Denmark but I am here. Might as well make the best of it. I am alive might as well make the best of it. I was born to suffer and die. Great. Let's get on with it eh? This song "Half Life" is making my existence a bit better. Strings should really be included in more songs. People don't give orchestras and symphonies enough credit. That is probably truly the most beautiful music. There is nothing like a live orchestra performance in a good venue. I remember seeing a performance of Shostakovich and just having tears streaming down my face it was so powerful. Just driving around in my car getting lost in Bach.

I'll have to get into this Chelsea Wolfe. Just comes out all dark and heavy. I was like man this might be a bit too much for my relaxed Sunday morning but I am digging it. Loco, have you ever listened to Massive Attack? I feel like you might like their Mezzanine album.

My family does a Secret Santa thing where the siblings get each other 1 gift so we don't have to get like 10 gifts for everyone. My Secret Santa asked what I want and I couldn't even think of anything. I supposed I could use a hoody but I didn't really want to shop for one. I suppose I'll do some shopping now. No Gods No Masters:


I have to get ready for a super secret meeting of people in the restaurant industry. We'll see how that goes. I got invited to go to a party today but I don't think I will go. The guy who is hosting it did not even know my name. I don't want to show up and no zero people in someone's home. I think I am just a bit burnt out on AA people. I will go tonight to speak to people in a detox. That is always worthwhile. I am thinking about just talking about how much I didn't want to be in AA and still don't in a way but it is the best thing I found and I don't want to drink and my life is a lot better than it was and things are pretty good today. No telling what tomorrow brings but today is ok.

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Some Things
  RiKD, Dec 10 2017

Days off are nice. Back to listening to music and writing stuff on LP.

Most importantly I want to say that Rick Roderick is on FIRE in this "Self under siege" series on youtube. We all should watch it.

Next I want to post what Spotify says was my most played songs in 2017. Hopefully, others also got this feature and it might be some fun.

2.) No - Nicolas Jaar
4.) HUMBLE. - Kendrick Lamar
5.) Time for Us - Nicolas Jaar
6.) 15 Step - Radiohead
8.) Odessa - Caribou
9.) Optimistic - Radiohead
10.) ELEMENT. - Kendrick Lamar
11.) Sun - Caribou
12.) Everything In Its Right Place - Radiohead
13.) Nights - Frank Ocean
14.) Bodysnatchers - Radiohead
15.) Midnight Marauders Tour Guide - A Tribe Called Quest
16.) Pink + White - Frank Ocean
17.) Migration - Bonobo
18.) The Tourist - Radiohead
19.) Song for Isabelle - Stimming
20.) You May Die (Intro) - Outkast - ATLiens

A lot of first songs on albums or I always played KAYTRANADAS album on loop starting at VIVID DREAMS. I was crazy on that for a while.

I would be interested to see others. Always, like finding new music. You know I never listened to Mumford and Sons before a week ago? Crazy.

Life is pretty good. I don't have anything I want to complain about. Just watch Self Under Siege and post Spotify top 20 2017! Enjoy the Holidays!

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Digestion of all things
  RiKD, Nov 27 2017

I have this weird thing where I think I can't do much of anything for an hour after eating food. No showers, no laying down in bed... That might be it really but I like to read lying down in bed.


So, since I can't do something great like read I do something to fill in the gaps like go to LP or pornography. I don't know what I am doing just sitting there enjoying the show. It all looks to be the same after a while. Until I got to Kendra Sunderland. I think I like really large breasts in pornography for the viewership but it doesn't really make much of a difference for me in real life (not true OBV!). I dated this woman who had virtually no breasts. She had great eyes and great conversation. That is a pretty great combination. I am staring at these beautiful eyes have meaningful conversation one can just get lost in it all. She didn't need breasts.

Anyways, I really should be asking myself if this is how I want to spend my day off?

Watching pornography and writing bullshit. I went and risked a handjob in the bathroom for ole Kendra Sunderland. When I was done it hit me... Oh shit, how will I get out? It was kind of a fun handjob. That may not be said for most. I think I am building up a pretty solid pornography addiction (again?). Nah, it's not really causing problems yet. It is just not really something I should be spending much time on. Probably, similar to this blog, my entire blog catalog, this website. Laugh out loud.

I was talking to my therapist today and she thinks I should just continue focusing on getting a social circle out here. See how that goes. See if I like it. Don't worry so much about getting a new job and moving out and getting an apartment. I feel pretty content right now. I am not ashamed of living with my parents. It is fun meeting new people and getting to know people better.

I started reading "Tree of Knowledge" by Maturana. We should all read it and get a discussion going so it will be more fun. Otherwise, I think Martin Amis "Money" is going to beat it out for reading preference. Loco says "Tree of Knowledge" can be a life changing book. I liked the first chapter. Maybe I will go read that.

I think this is a rough one. Today has been a day where I just threw on some sweatpants and I am sweatpantsin' the day away. They are not even cool sweatpants. Just some ok sweatpants without the laces for the waist band because they took them out when I was in the psych ward those bastards. It's nice to not be in there though. It's nice to have my meds down pretty well. I want another wank to my girl Kendra. I could get it on my phone. That is better than reading of course....

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Late Night Thoughts
  RiKD, Nov 21 2017

A lot of my life is negotiating with the word enough. What is enough? I have trouble with enough.

I just float around the meetings helping people if I can and meeting people if I can. Sometimes I can help someone and time keeps on slipping into the future. We go out for burgers on Monday nights and that is a good time. I met a vegan today. It was funny how the guys are all trying to be masculine and talk about meat eating. She brought up that she is making a vegan sweet potato casserole with sweet potatoes from her mother's garden and I thought that sounded INCREDIBLE. All the other guys were ripping on it and saying it sounds gross. I don't have a crush on her but she is a pretty cool chick. That is the thing though we have a good 2 hours and time keeps on slipping slipping slipping into the future. I watch some Bojack Horseman and become one and time keeps on slipping. Now, I get some words down and later maybe I read some "Money" by Martin Amis. All great ways to spend some time. Before I know it I will be back at the restaurant prepping food. Cutting 2 cases of mozzarella pays for about a third tank of gas. Making some meatballs pays for 2 weeks of Monday night dinners and fun. Cutting grape tomatoes pays for a week's worth of meeting donations. That is how I have to think about it. I really should be doing a better job of seeing what is out there. I am not better than what I am doing but there is better out there that I can be doing.

That really may be the best I get. Helping someone, dinner with friends, Bojack Horseman, "Money" by Martin Amis. I used to experience euphoria. It was so so fleeting. Maybe I get 20 speed and vodkas deep and catch the peak of a great joint and "Adagio for Strings" comes on at a massive Tiesto concert. Doing goood ecstasy for the first time at a bomb ass rave. Those are just some that come to mind. The high can last a while but then it's over. Life hangovers. At some point I am going to need a better job if... if... I need this because.... I need this or else.... What the fuck? What do we really need really?

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F*ck you f*cks
  RiKD, Nov 13 2017

So, I think I am a little irritable right now. I am really only writing this because I have 40 min. until I can watch Curb Your Enthusiasm but I have some thoughts to unload so here we go:

Do we get to choose meaning or does meaning find us???

I can say hey there is a cute kitten that was in a horrible hoarding situation and needs a home. I don't really know if it will provide meaning. Maybe the meaning doesn't kick in until later. I am taking care of this kitten and it is getting better and we are bonding and I love it even more. Now, I am feeling some meaning. That my existence is not completely insignificant. I mean it is insignificant but at least on this Earth it does not feel that way. It is Sartre's idea that we are free and autonomous to choose the life that we want. Can we pick out our meanings? Are enough meaningful endeavors pretty much known at this point or is it completely individualistic in what will tickle the fancy?

I have been talking a lot about love songs and songs. I guess there is a song for everything but there certainly seems to be a lot of songs about love. There are certainly a lot of advertisements about getting the one. I have never really been magically in love with someone that loves me back so I really can't speak on it to be honest but these songs just seem to be capturing that which I can understand but that is not how the world works. That has got to be fleeting just like every other damn positive thing on this planet. I think this boils down to do I need to get laid? Will a partner make me "happier"? I don't even think I am in the business of searching for happiness anymore. There is some more fleeting bullshit. Give me some self-esteem, some peace, some contentment, I enjoy conversations, deadlifting, and fucking some prime piece of ass. Yup, that came out. Am I conditioned to crave that. It's a fucking drug and I am an addict. Fuck.

I titled this blog "Fuck you fucks" because I just thought it was funny. Has anyone told you to go fuck yourself today? Oh no? Go fuck yourself. I have a buddy that that is his thing. Whatever. I am writing shit down and fuck off you fucks.

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Experience and reflection
  RiKD, Oct 17 2017

I think I have seen in many places in many times of my life that we learn through experience and reflection. I went to the zoo today. I didn't want to go to the zoo. Why would I want to see a bunch of animals in captivity? It was an ok walk around. Most of the animals were just chilling. I think like sloths, koalas, and even lions were probably made for a zoo experience. Certainly any of the rescue animals that could not live in the wild belong there but then why the hell do they let them reproduce? I look at a rhino that is just about catatonic in there by himself and I think why? It was enjoyable to see the monkeys playing. They need some jiu jitsu though. Ground game was real weak. Then I go to the gorilla cages and it is depressing. That is when the feeling of captivity hits the hardest. They are large, dumb humans laying down in despair, sitting staring out the cage with faces of hopelessness.

Fast food and porn, fast food and porn, all i want is fast food and porn. Get me a burger and fries and a coke and some Tera Patrick. Some fried chicken and sweet tea and some Penny Flame. I think I'm through the worst of it after inhaling some Five Guys. There wasn't even really any pleasure. I was boarding a plane so not wise to have a wank and I just got an internet connection but am sharing a 2br place with 5 other people at the moment. I am not that addicted that I have to figure out a way. I used to just watch it for hours. Now, I am watching it like it is cinema looking for good shots, good dirty talk, etc. It's not much of a fruitful endeavor.

That whole life goes further as I enter into Big Box mania today. So much consumption. I just needed a costume for a costume party and I wanted it to be cool. There is a big party downtown and I want to be cool in the off chance a woman that wants to have sex sees my tribe and sees me and abides. I am going to be a pirate. Halloween was like one of the days that women especially like getting drunk and laid. It would have been so much easier to just drink rum all night and put on a pirate voice and really say whatever the fuck I want as I am a fucking scallywag pirate. I think I can still pull it off it's just a lot easier with the rum. I lose a bit of my charisma in bars when I am not drinking. Anyone would. I use to hold a certain charisma in my hey day. I really knew how to drink. I really think now a days it is all about dating online for me. The norm. Have some dates and progress it along. I shouldn't even be thinking about one night stands but I still do. My real shot is a lot of people are probably going out and if a friend of a sibling or friend is a real slut... I mean that in a good way... A women that knows what she wants and gets it is a good quality... but I am supposed to be past these compulsions. I was reading some buddhism yesterday that talked about the art of refraining. Allowing the gaps to be there. No fidgeting or anything. I shouldn't even be projecting out these fantasies of meeting some girl in a slutty cat outfit. It really does me no good. So, how valuable is reflection?

How valuable is reflection?

That is just what is coming out. I am about to go to a really great Spanish restaurant pretty soon. My sister knows the sous chef and he is going to hook us up. I usually get the paella. It will be nice to have a plate of food like that instead of the fast food I have been gorging on. Tomato based sauce with bell peppers and onions and the like. I don't really need the sex or the porn. If I go back to Pittsburgh this week some friends with benefit sex would probably be healthy for me. I mean the one night stuff can be ok too but a lot of times it can be a bit heavy on the compulsive pleasure seeking which I think can make it better. It's not fun to have like a half of a burger, a couple of fries, and save the milkshake for later. Give me the burger, the fries, the milkshake, a few shots of whiskey, a couple of lines, a couple of parachutes of molly, and a big breasted hottie that loves to give blowjobs. I said hottie. That's stupid. I gotta go. Take care.

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I am a man yelling into a well
  RiKD, Sep 25 2017

I have yet to find a new forum so here is where I am. I am a man that yells into wells. The whole moving forward from my current job is a pretty crucial topic for me but perhaps it is a tired topic on here. Today, I would rather talk about gifted silhouettes holding surfboards on their head and Thai food that creates a little bit of a sweat, a little bit of a flush in the face, certainly a runny nose. In terms of Thai food one has to feel a little bit of pain to experience a smooth burn of pleasure. It is a wonderful sadomasochistic relationship. I get a Thai iced tea for emergency reasons and delicious reasons. Cold cream is the antidote and the aphrodite. Perhaps some mango and sticky rice if the mango is in season.

There seems to be no salida out of the 2nd shift for me so I have to make the best of it. I have been calling people on the telephone a lot. It is not like we can hang out but at least it is good conversation. I suppose this is a surrogate for actually going somewhere and conversing in person but it is currently the best I can do. Just like posting on LP is the best I can do. It is my day off and I suppose it is just something I enjoy doing.

I had a dream last night that I moved to a new place. I had a clean slate to find a new job, new AA meetings, new friends. I was pretty thrilled with it. Like I could take what I did wrong and what has not worked out here and use it in the new place.

I was thinking about my dad. He just spent 2 weeks in China. He doesn't want to fucking be in China for 2 weeks but it is part of his consulting gig. Actually, luckily for him he really enjoys being in the steel mills on the audits but sometimes the hotels are shitty, he is away from his wife, and there is the brutal jet lag. We all want incomes. We all have certain things that can give us a certain uniqueness in the world of commerce. So, my dad goes to China for 2 weeks. So, I work the 2nd shift at a job I don't particularly like doing. I don't think there is anything unique about me that makes me good at prepping food. I think that job could be done by a lot of people hence why it's only $11/hr. It really is just following recipes and cleaning up after yourself. There are some tricks and hacks that can be learned along the way. I need to get back in the zone where there are things that are unique to me that others can not do. A job that not many others can do. A job that I like. The problem is I just don't know if I have any of those types of skills. I would like to think I am gifted in some of the soft skills but who really knows. The hard skills, the stuff on paper, I think I am being honest with myself in that I am lacking in that area for a lot of jobs. It's a problem. It leaves me dwindling and floating from one shitty job to the next. The answer seems to be get more skills. I think I would be a horrible electrician plus I hate it. I need to find something I would be decent at and like it ok but here I go again talking about, well, my life but specifically moving forward which I said I wouldn't talk about but it is clearly on my mind.

So, I was walking on the beach and there was this woman in front of me with a great ass. I was behind her for quite a while finding myself mesmerized by her plump behind. So, I get to my car and I am listening to Caribou's playlist on Spotify and Juvenile's "Back That Ass Up" comes up. I don't know why but that moment made me infinitely happy.

Oh, I saw in another thread on here whaaam! put LP at 10% suicide watch. That is probably referring to my blog. Thankfully, I am in a place where I don't think about suicide much at the moment. I am eeking out a living. I think some of the help on here has contributed. Loco's post on surrogates and others got me thinking about a lot of things. I think it helps that I like my managers and the people I work with so I get some socialization there and I am exercising most days. I am giving people a call instead of watching tv or posting on here. I am getting to the AA meetings I can and want to go to. I am really seemingly doing the best I can. So, that means I could be doing things better but it comes to a point where you just can't expect to be doing everything perfectly.

I think I have gotten to the point in which I want to read some literature rather than write anymore.


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