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How bout dem apples
  RiKD, Sep 10 2017

So, I haven't been on this site in 2 days. Nothing really changed. Not one thing I could notice. Which is a shame in a way. I really like this site's poster base? Collection of posters? I think most of us are just at a certain frequency of liking RTS games and poker and many other things in common but with diversity. We are not all that active now however. That is a shame. I remember finding Team Liquid sometime in college and finding poker around that time too like 2004-2005. LP has been here this whole time. I remember it to procrastinate often during college and much entertainment and there were some decent poker discussions back in the day too. I have been using it to vent my thoughts and reveries. I will be looking to do that less in the future. There are personal journals, therapists, and certain friends that actually care for that sort of thing but I will likely miss it. I could vent my thoughts and maybe someone would reply with something interesting. I didn't really care if I was a freak show attraction or not but even just talking about some of this stuff with a friend that cares I have found it to be better. I haven't found another forum to discuss stuff with. I don't really want to leave LP. I have nothing really to complain about. I went up to Columbus, OH to hang out with my brother and sister during Hurricane Irma and I am having a good time. I suppose I could complain about being back on the 2nd shift at a job I don't really like but that just comes down to I am not going to quit until it gets really bad or I have another job lined up. The other problem is in the job search. I don't even really know what I am searching for. Something on day shift and not so mundane would be nice. I will likely always find something to complain about work.

I will switch topics and say going to a farm to pick apples is awesome. Picking one off the tree and eating it is incredible. I also had a PB&J and milk for the first time in forever and it was phenomenal. Amazing apples and peanut butter are an angel's treat as well. Sushi and ice cream. Jimmy John's Beachclub and bbq chips. I have been eating well. There is a lot going on here at the moment and I don't particularly have anything else to say so I will move on with the day. Perhaps slowly moving on with my life as I drift from LP. I guess we are all sort of there. Some have already drifted long ago.

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Comments (10)

Another Orbit
  RiKD, Sep 01 2017

Well, another round of bills paid and I can do about 2 more orbits with out working before I go broke. Selling my couch and putting in some hours down at the pizza shop has certainly helped with that. My goals are to move out of my parents house and have a little bit higher expenses. I want to be doing a little more. I am not there yet. I am still kind of on the bare minimum expenses track and should be looking to take on another job. I don't quite have the money or the friends to really enjoy too many days off. 30 hours at the pizza place would probably be enough except for I don't particularly like being there. 16 hours a week makes it more bearable but then I have a lot of free time to fill up and am going broke quite a bit faster. I am not looking to squeak by and stay above going broke I am looking to do something during the day that is not too bad of an occupation and get some savings going. They always say it is easier to find a job if you have a job so it is probably wise to keep this job until I can find a new one. I have been real lazy with it but also I am just not that great at job searching mostly because I don't always know what I am searching for. Some would say I could be searching for a job even at this moment of me writing this and that would be time better spent. That could be right. All I have written down right now is Trader Joe's and Whole Foods. I could always look back into Uber. It might be an interesting way to check out a new city. The problem is I don't have any pro strategists in Charleston like I did in Pittsburgh. I would just be driving like a chicken with it's head cut off which leads to little action and frustrating rides.

I spent the whole day yesterday with a friend at a beautiful state park hiking and taking pictures. It was a wonderful day and something I need more of. We really had the time to touch most bases and have some good conversation. It was much better than sitting in the house wondering what I should do.

I have been having conversations about work weeks and such. I really think the Danes get it. 30 hour work weeks with a living wage. It gives more people a chance to work and everyone a chance to have a better life. Of course, I think most would take 20 hours a week or less if they could still pay their bills. The kitchen manager where I work who has been a chef most of his life ie accustomed to working 12-14 hr days 5-6 days a week just wanted a solid 9-5. He does not really get a chance to do a whole lot if he is opening or closing. He just wanted something where he could go out some nights of the week and have weekends completely off. Something that I could get $15/hr for 30 hrs./wk would be perfect for my life now but I don't think that would accommodate my own apartment and slightly higher expenses. If I truly could get $20/hr doing Uber and make my own schedule and work 30 hours or so a week that could be great. I would have to venture through a 2nd shift which I am hesitant to do. It is just kind of a dead zone regarding things to do after work and that is something that is important to me now. Doing things after work that I like to do and where there is the opportunity to meet people. I shouldn't really go back to $8.50/hr as that doesn't get me anywhere. It is the whole reason I am in Charleston to begin with. I didn't want to leave Pittsburgh and spending the day yesterday with one of my best Pittsburgh friends I would love to go back there. The novelty of Charleston has kind of worn off and it is just a place that I live now. I still think the city is beautiful, the beaches are beautiful and it has some real charm but I could see myself moving back to Pittsburgh if the opportunity is right or moving someplace entirely new. I don't really want to always be seeking something that can not be found. I had connection in Pittsburgh unlike anywhere else I have been since poker. The thing is unless I develop some more savings it will be difficult to move anywhere with out having a job already lined up. Do I want to go back down the corporate route? Many times they can offer signing bonuses and moving expenses. I don't know if I have the skills.

If anything there are some nice state parks around here where I can find the forest. Yesterday, I was in a forest where I could also hear the sea.

I could be out of the job reverie but what do you all think? Would you have enough to do in your free time if you only worked 20 hours? Occupation takes up some time and there is typically socialization in most jobs. I remember I was working trials pretty heavy in the steel mills and there was a lot at stake working even 80 hours a week. Sometimes I was really energized and focused like we HAD to win this account and it felt like a game or felt like poker used to. It helped I was hourly. When they seduced me into salary and the game had kind of lost its luster especially towards the end I was just fucking burnt out and depressed all of the time. That week long vacation to go to a friend's wedding was like pure bliss, relief, liberation. Then I was probably at 30 hours a week after that because we lost the account which was pretty good but I didn't have anything to do so I just drank and drank more and more. Drinking can pass the time pretty well. It is one thing to be bored and have the means to where money is not really an object. It is another thing to be sober and bored on a pretty low budget especially if there are no friends who are also free and on a pretty low budget. It is just a matter of managing all this stuff. Like others have said in past blogs I have to find the combination of job I like or friends I like because that is how I am spending my waking hours. Thank goodness I am mostly out of that trap where I feel I need material stuff. I need a hike and a conversation. A cup of coffee and a conversation. A walk on the beach and a conversation. We won't even get into the dating. I don't need sex. I want sex but I don't need it. Dating falls under the expenses being potentially quite a bit higher but I don't think it has to be that way. I really appreciated the blog on dating. Maybe a casual coffee and a walk makes the most sense on a first date. I certainly don't want to get all dressed up in the vulgarian outfit to go to one of the one hundred or more Southern Fine Dining places where I can get great hushpuppies, great shrimp and grits and then a great pecan pie. I can get that at maybe one hundred places or more here. It is going to be about $100 for the two of us. I may barely even know the person. I guess it was kind of drilled into me that that is how dating works. It is ideal to have the money where that is not an issue. It is ideal to have a set of vulgarian outfits that I could do this nightly. That's not really what I want. Of course that is convenient because it is not what I can have. I don't really need the woman to be looking absolutely stunning each night either. She doesn't have to put the stilettos on and the fabulous cocktail dress and get her hair all perfect. There is a part of me that still wants this but maybe let's save that for a 3rd date or a 5th date or maybe never. The thing is I think most women want the guy in the vulgarian outfit at the sexy cocktail lounge drinking cognac or maybe that is still just one of my hang ups. Some version of James Bond in the tuxedo sipping Martini's. I don't think it helps that that is when I had most of my success with women. Vulgarian outfit drinking wine with dinner then switching to champagne or cognac. There is something about when a woman gets all done up she is feeling sexy. I will tell you this though a women I dated a bit ago looked just as sexy in workout clothes after running a 5k. Holy shit was she radiant. The same thing goes for yoga classes. Everyone is in such a great mood after yoga class. I have to start doing yoga again.

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Comments (23)

I am not over going broke in poker
  RiKD, Aug 29 2017

Well, it's time to get in a reverie and write again and then when I am finished I can go and get a haircut. I don't do the fancy stuff anymore that is time consuming to take care of I just get a buzz cut, level 3, cropped at the sides and the back. Simple. It suits me and is non fussy and I like that. I am doing my part to always veer towards minimalism.

I found out for sure, clear in my mind yesterday that I am still not over going broke in poker. A guy in an AA meeting was talking about losing his business and being resentful and struggling and I was like "whoa, that is me." Previous to going broke that was a fun time in my life too. I had really good friends and we did a lot of fun stuff. I do remember there were some periods of darkness or depression and downswings where I was questioning what I was doing with my life but there were other times where I was truly passionate about poker. I did not always have an easy time of balancing things out. When I was passionate I made plenty of money but was not always open to doing stuff. When I was depressed I didn't feel like doing anything but that was mostly when I was in between traveling living with my parents. One thing for me, when I was in bad downswings many times I just said fuck it and lived it up and the fact that my life was good meant I was usually playing pretty well through the bad variance. Not always. I of course exploded into a dark tilt to lose my bankroll over the course of 2 or 3 months. I not only lost my bankroll, I lost my life, I in some ways lost my friends, I lost the lifestyle and I am still grieving over that and still resentful over that. Some of my closest friends and we barely ever talk anymore. I was saying in the meeting that that was a better time in my life. The fun times. When marijuana was awesome and the benders were joyous and humorous. I smoked A LOT of marijuana. It just seemed to be the thing to do. Being high was great. Getting high and doing all these different things was exactly how I wanted to be living my life at that time. Even going on a joint, volcano, gravity bong, blunt, pipe, whatever iv and listening to music and playing like 8,000 hands was great. I still remember smoking big weed in Cali going deep in the FTOPS Main Event one year. A lot of facets of poker are definitely more fun high. Even getting AA deep in the FTOPS Main Event was like we were all geeking out. Then I busted and it was disappointing but then I got into a sick hot tub that overlooked the city and after passing some blunts around for a while all of the frustrations are forgotten. That is the life I miss. Deciding that we are hungry and want Korean BBQ or sushi or a steak and being less than 15 min. from some of the best variations one is going to find on planet Earth. Beautifully stoned hitting a 5 iron to 6 ft. on a golf course at a resort in Mexico. The prop bets, the bullshitting. Many times we all played against each other. It was fun. It was a game. Sometimes a guy would get buried in a game and the tilt was in someways enjoyable. Only a poker player can understand that. I remember a friend was playing Jungleman at large stakes and I was sweating and took a piece just for the shits of it. This was before he was really known. A relatively unknown at 25/50 and above. We got murdered. It hurt. I had a 5/10 piece and lost $10,000. In a way it helped to shave off some fears I had of playing high stakes. I made it back and then some in a short period of time. Then the first time you win a $10,000 pot at 10/20 and have all these deep stacks is another inflection point. I could never get to that point in 25/50. I just seemed to always lose the $20,000 pots and some of the players there were likely much more skilled than me. It did pick up my game though. Playing hands with Jman and Durrrr and all those guys you really have to be on top of your game and have strong ranges and no tells.

So, it feels like those days were better days. It's not like I even feel any less energetic. I think there is some hopelessness in me that it will never get better for me. I don't know if that matters so much as long as life isn't overarchingly bad. There is a difference between having a stroke and losing the ability to talk or move and just being a bit older and not having any real passion for occupation, very few local friends, no dating life. We used to get big houses or apartments and just all live together. That is a very 20 something poker thing to do. It was a lot of fun though. The best thing is to just get acceptance with all things in life. It is very likely to be in my 50s and think back to parts of my 30s that were great. Oh, to have those days back. I don't want to waste my 30s in misery. I would say much of the last 3 years there were a lot of good times. I was broke with nothing and barely working but I had friends and we did fun things. I think why this part of my life is so trying is again I have found a job I don't particularly like and I am struggling with that and I am struggling with finding friends and things to do. I don't want to harp on that so much because that is clearly my main problems and it comes up in every blog.

I shouldn't be complaining so much but I need to recognize and get acceptance with going broke in poker. That was where it all started going downhill with some upticks but even worse downticks. I am still feeling the effects of that. I am still a bit lost in the rubble. Maybe that sounds pathetic. It was 2010. It really fucked up the trajectory of my life. Alcoholism was probably inevitable. That's a bummer. Bipolar can be a mother fucker. That's a bummer. But, it is about who do I want to be? I can't get distracted from that. I don't really want to be working at a multinational corporation. Do I want to be a teacher? People continue to hint at that. Why was I a history major? Is that really a turning point in my life? Forgoing the chemistry degree that seemed inevitable from my family history. I was the oldest in the generation. The first to go to college. The resounding pressure was to be a chemist, or an engineer, or a chemical engineer. I don't know if any of this stuff matters now but the only thing my History degree seems good for these days is for people to suggest I become a teacher. It taught me how to think, read, write. Those are pretty important skills. I think most people do not get it... or maybe they do and I don't get it. It seems like for most college is a place to learn how to make a lot of money after college. That is probably the wisest way to look at it. I was just there and was expected to at least graduate in something. I graduated beating $2/4 pretty handily. That seemed good enough for me. I don't think I am a scientist or an engineer. I am a starving artist looking for a meal. A proper meal. Please don't take my soul Mr. Employer. Ugghhh, what a crap life to have such an uninspiring job and no friends. A job that doesn't even make money. It is something to do I suppose. Something to pass the time so I don't have to sit in this house all day. I am getting really good at cutting stuff and preparing food although it is mostly just following directions. Fuck this, it is time to get a haircut.

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Comments (5)

Submissive Japanese women on knees in the corner
  RiKD, Aug 25 2017

I have decided that if I really want to quit I need to quit gracefully. Do it the right way. Talk to my manager and give my 2 weeks notice. Everyone says it is easier to find a job when you have a job so I need to up my job search. I have only been working 16-24 hrs. a week last 2 weeks anyways. My brother is in town this week but if it continues that seems to be the obvious play.

I was at the beach today. How I long to be a kid again. Gone are the days of losing myself in boogie boarding, digging a hole, or being given a magical blueberry muffin from the local bakery down the street but this is where I am wrong? What is stopping me from at least body surfing, digging holes, or finding local bakeries with one of a kind pastries? Fun now a days is opening the door to a cute, submissive Japanese girl on her knees in the corner with nothing on but a ball gag. That's not really my fantasy but it is a fantasy. I do like Japanese women sitting on their knees. I don't think I like the ball gag. Anyway, I was turned on living vicariously through Christian Grey. These small brunette women signing non-disclosure agreements and getting into kinky fun. I was thinking like Eva Mendez, Jessica Alba, Asia Argento, Japanese women, really whoever, have fun with it. Is that really just a small part of adult fun? I am not even saying specific BDSM situations. I would bet that most do not really explore a lot of that world. Sadomasochism maybe explored by all to some degree. Who really knows?

There was a young women who couldn't walk who was brought up to the edge of the water on a wheelchair and then she enjoyed the water and the sand. She was quite attractive. It was a joy to watch. Her legs were quite atrophied and she had difficulty moving around but it was beautiful to see. I might have enjoyed that more than living vicariously through the surfers. I don't want to live vicariously through anyone. It is like I used to be a man of action. A traveling gambler and an account man in my 20s. I made shit happen. i travelled around the world winning bets from a laptop and then I made deals in the steel mills. I just prep food now and lead a pretty miserable life. Who do I want to be? I realize I am in my 30s now. It is not the same as my 20s especially since I no longer drink or do drugs. I don't want to lie, I want to live life with integrity, I don't want to drink, I want the side effects of my bipolar mitigated, I want to have friends, I don't want to just have any old friends I want close friends, I won't even talk about the dating and the girlfriend, ... I mean all of that is great. I felt I went in depth on that a lot with Jordan Peterson's future authoring.

I watch a lot of House Hunter's International with my mom. It is fun to see what different real estate is like in Paris, Berlin, Costa Rica, New Zealand, Rome, etc. I have a range of apartments in my head I am just dying to go live in. It just comes down to money. It always comes down to money. I am talking about quitting my job I should not even be talking about apartments, dating, girlfriends, anything. That is why I post blogs and I just want to talk about film. I have to fill the time up somehow. On one hand it is my day off and on the other hand I should be applying to better jobs. I haven't figured that one out yet.

Distractions. Is film a distraction? A needed distraction? I want to figure out who I want to be just like anyone else but I also need something to escape to before I go to the next escape land full of reveries and dreams. Film. The actors, the music, the shots, the storytelling. It is all something I can get lost in. I don't care if it's escape. I don't think that is the kind of distraction we are talking about here though. Work might be a distraction. The fact that I want to make sure to quit the right way or even my back and forth struggle with quitting. I need money. Who do I want to be? Well, I would love to be a guy that makes money on my own terms again like poker. Sure, there was negative variance and then the DOJ but it was nice working on my own terms. If I want to be a workhorse maybe I make a little bit more money but it's not worth it. If I play just a little bit here and there there is just no way to get any semblance of good results. I would love to go into a job interview and say I am only going to work 30 hours a week and for them to be understanding. I want to be self-employed. Now, my whole family is back so there will be distractions out the whazoo. Time to end another blog. I really can shit these things out eh? Shit them out in hopes that I am getting somewhere or maybe it is also just a form of escape but I want to be who I want to be and I need to figure that out by trial and error, experience and reflection, contemplation. There are some things about myself that I can not see and you all can maybe see. I think I have lost that reverie. That oh so dear reverie. Oh, man, I love it like a great croissant and cafe au lait. I don't even know if that makes sense but I love the simplicity of a perfect croissant and cafe au lait or a croque monsier. They bring it out at the perfect temperature always. That is what is really on point. Everything you eat in Paris is at the perfect temperature. The waiters are there when you need them and that is it. No wasted interactions with the men and women acting at being waiters. Let me enjoy my food and conversation and oh dear this blog post is going to get me smoking again. Tobacco just goes so well with everything. Wake up? Smoke. Croissant and cafe au lait? Smoke. Need a break? Smoke. Want to write something? Smoke. Have a wank? Smoke. Have real sex? Smoke. I should not have gone there. Even given all that smoking is pretty horrendous and I am glad I am not doing it but perhaps it is difficult to talk about Paris and food without speaking of smoking. Perhaps it is difficult for me at least.

It makes it sound like my only pleasure is eating and film and by golly that may be true. I certainly don't want to be that guy. This next step from people I am in the area of sometimes to friends I do stuff with has been particularly troublesome here. I could be doing something wrong or just finding myself in the wrong circles or just destined to be some solitary cinephile, francophile weird guy that complains all the time on That's really most of who I am these days and I don't want to be that. I need friends to have that balance of laughter and fun stuff and cool stuff and interesting stuff to sometimes I can get a little deeper and complain or worry about something and they will understand. I guess at a bare minimum I will have my therapist soon. I've got a lot of things figured out here but still not how to have a social life. It is a shame and costs me a lot of displeasure. Oh well, I haven't thought about killing myself until just now thinking about how I had not thought about killing myself. Almost a relief. "Oh yes, I can always kill myself." "Oh yes, I can always quit my job. I can even quit it ungracefully. I have only been there 3 weeks." Which goes to a "Fuck my life. I am quitting this shit show job just to have a choice in other shit shot jobs." What I have learned over the years is that it just does not seem like there is a perfect job out there for me. Just shit I have to trudge through to hopefully find something I can pay my bills and not hate. I don't want to be that guy. I think I have been that guy for 3 years now. That sucks. I am having thoughts flood in again about killing myself. Maybe I will spend some time with family and forget about that.

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Total Eclipse
  RiKD, Aug 23 2017

I went to Smalltown, USA the other day to hang out with family and view the total eclipse. Smalltown, USA is quite a place. It almost feels like being in some other dimension. There is the Dollar General store and a small square. I went a day with out my laptop or the internet. It felt ok. I learned how to hang out on a recliner or a couch or a patio chair like a pro. Just talking the day away. I stayed at the house across the street all by myself. It was kind of weird. It was an older house but it had a bed and a bathroom. The other people that were supposed to stay there decided to stay at a hotel. It was not that bad. The shower was actually amazing.

I have always liked cookouts. Just hanging out and having some good bites. A great shower and some ok coffee on drip. Just set me up with that coffee drip into the veins and I will be ok. I ate some kind of bullshit Trader Joe's coffee dunker things that ended up working out ok then it was on to "The Price is Right." It reminded me of the time I was in Pasadena, CA with some LP'ers and we sat around gambling on the Games Network games. It wasn't too long before we had the grills ready and the hors d'oeuvres going. The beans and the bean salads though! One of the guys had baked a bunch of chocolate and pecan cookies that were pretty good too.

An eclipse is pretty difficult to explain. You kind of just have to be there. My sister-in-law had a great playlist going and we just kind of chilled looking up at the sun. It starts with a little bite of it and just increases. The weather gets a little cooler. The lighting gets weird. By the time of totality the weather is like 15 degrees cooler and it is dark but a different kind of darkness than after dusk. Everything is just real weird. It kind of reminded me of the movie "The Ring." I was in a dark well here on this earth and within the atmosphere and if I could just get to the rim and get out of the well I would not be as trapped. Really weird perspective but that is just how my life has been going.

Now, I am back to my life in Mt. Pleasant, USA and back to my old habits. Writing on LP, facebook, the internet, watching film. I haven't worked since Thursday. The thorn in my side to quit has not been there yet. I am only scheduled for 16 hours this week so I should be looking for other jobs anyways. We will see how it goes.

My brother is in town so it makes things better. My sister-in-law is cool for the most part. Their toddler is awesome. I really just give my best to those things. They are early in the game. He will most likely have a good childhood. One of those dreamlike childhoods where he is mostly smiling in pictures like it was for me. Then from there who really knows. My brother is serious about him becoming a professional hockey player. That is really kind of silly but it is not my kid. It is nice have more days off this week so I can spend time with them. Of course, it is also less time in the kitchen which is great although if things keep up like this I will be broke next month or the month after that. I don't really have anything else worth selling either. So, writing that out it becomes pretty clear I must get back on the job search or figure out Uber again.

There was another AA person there at the total eclipse party with 29 years. We were able to have some good chats. Extremely on the religious side though. The conversation turned a little sour when he started going on about how important God is.

It was a nice little trip up the road. I am happy to be home but sometimes trips make me realize there are things I need to do about home. There are the comforts that I cling to which could be a good or a bad thing but traveling I get knocked out of my habits a little bit. It is clear I have to search for other jobs and do a better job of finding friends. I could take a bit better care of myself too. Oh, this life, this existence. I really just want it to be time to listen to good music and drink energy drinks in my car on the way to work. Then just be faced with whatever I am faced with there. If I have to cut up 3 bunches of parsley that is just what I have to do. It's like I make meatballs almost every day I am there. I don't even know what I am rooting for. Cantaloupes? Grape tomatoes? Chicken? I suppose that's why they call it work. I can just look at the positive that I will have 2 full days with my brother at least. His wife is cool for the most part and their toddler is great. Sometimes I see these positives of the toddler. They are very consuming of time and energy. You don't really have any sort of "a life" with a toddler but you do have a life with a toddler. The toddler life. It still does not override the fact that it will experience much suffering that is not necessary if you just don't have the kid. Start a car collection, go traveling, there are plenty of things to do besides raise a kid. There is meaning there I suppose. Like, really what the fuck am I going to be doing at 40, 50, 60 and above that is so interesting and important. The fallacy though is that raising kids is important. Everything eventually goes extinct. These God-projects are not real. Blah blah blah.

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  RiKD, Aug 18 2017

I am thinking about quitting my job. I think about it often especially when I am there. I think about walking out. I don't really want to screw anybody though. Sometimes I get lost in the task and forget about it and then other times it flares up. Every day I say "well, just sleep on it" and I sleep on it and I go in and I want to quit. Yesterday I said I would sleep on it and then write on it and see if that helped at all. If I quit I am back in that hopeless situation of job searching. I don't want that but I don't want this job. I am sick of making dressings, chopping all of this rosemary and thyme, cutting mozzarella, taking out all of the trash, and everything that goes with it. I have some money saved up to get me by this month. I am just not sure if the restaurant industry is for me and I am sitting here dreaming about being a chef not realizing how much work is involved. It's silly man. How the fuck would I be a chef if I do not even want to do the simplest of culinary jobs? I follow instructions and if I am unsure on something I ask the chef/kitchen manager. The problem is when the instructions want me to chop up 5 oz of thyme. That does not sound like much but pulling off each individual leaf of thyme is fucking tedious man. Cutting mozzarella for 3 fucking hours. I don't know man. How to people do these jobs? I think I need more skilled labor and socializing. Like something back in the steel industry. I long to be a professional again. The problem is I have this thing with office 9-5. Get me into steel mills. At least those processes were stimulating. That ship may have sailed. Perhaps I should teach history to youngins. Maybe I could get through to them on some important points. I am just trying to enter a state of revery and then see what happens. Of course I would love feedback but that is not necessarily what I am searching for. The thing with feedback is I can get viewpoints that are not my own. There is always a voice in the back of my brain somewhere that is telling me "Keep going with this job. It is good enough income. You are just in a phase. A state of mind. This too shall pass. Don't throw it away." Another part of me thinks I am being a coward if I do not quit. I am not completely miserable but I am close. If I don't have a job I am stuck at home all day trying to figure out free or cheap things to do. If I am at work I am cursing myself for continuing to go through with it all. It has to be no way to live a life. There has to be something out there for me. Why am I so blind? So non-ingenious? Or maybe I am just so lazy. Why do we all work 40 hours a week anyway? 8 hours a day? I want to work 30, take long lunches, leave early when I feel like it, have 3 days off in a row. What we all do to survive. Just trying to get some inkling of living. The only time I live these days is on walks at the beach, some AA meetings, and some meals. Of course there are films and novels. I have mentioned that plenty of times. I may be depressed. A therapist would help. This is the only therapy I get these days. I think I have been through this as well. Help me not kill myself LP although I am not there yet. I still have to buy that book Loco linked a while ago. I would want to make it clean and easy. My parents would likely be the ones to find me and I would not want to make it a grotesque affair. Just get me to nothingness with out any sort of pain or mess. I should have finished writing my will although that does not really matter. I wish to be cremated and flushed down the toilet or actually if I think about it donate my body to science/medical. One big block of text. Just as I can quit my job I have the freedom to quit living. That is at least reassuring. Maybe I will just go on with these outbursts of quitting in my mind on the job and just slave through this life. We are slaves to this existence. We can break free but it is somewhat scary and goes against a lot of programming. At least when the action is done there is nothing. I don't wish for nothingness quite yet. I am in some sort of a state. At least my brother is coming into town this weekend and there will be some festivities. I really like my brother and he makes me laugh. I need to do things that get me out of my head and actually living. Beyond existing, beyond suffering, the leap is not that difficult to make for me and it all starts with obsessing over a job I don't like.

I don't think I will quit today. There is always tomorrow. Although the banality of it all grows more distant as I get more comfortable in my days off...

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Comments (15)

How to Move Forward in Life
  RiKD, Aug 10 2017

I got my first paycheck. I will have a little more breathing room with this job. Will it get me an apartment and living on my own? I am not sure. The point is I should be able to save a little bit now and build up a bit of money for a security deposit or two months rent or whatever they want. I literally cut mozzarella cheese for about 5 hours yesterday but is that really that bad? Being on this 2nd shift (3-midnight) could hold me back from moving forward. I basically just wake up and then hang out for a little while before going in, work the shift, and then come home and watch a movie and then go to sleep. I am not going to make friends doing this. I am just existing. The GM mentioned me going on day shift next week and I told him sure. It might be a stepping stone to getting some connections going in my life. Of course, waking up earlier and earlier is always a pain but I think it is something that must be done. What am I attempting to move my life forward towards? I suppose it is all the same things it has always been. My own apartment, friends, dating, a girlfriend. I can't get too caught up in it as I just don't know what the realistic timespan is. I am actually enjoying getting some experience in prepping food and thoughts of being a chef dazzle at times. That has to be a really difficult vocation. It is one thing to be Anthony Bourdain, it is another to be working 14 hour days in a struggling kitchen. One of the things about my job which is kind of unnerving is I never know what I am going to get. I am not that comfortable in the recipes yet and sometimes the demands are just flying around. I can be in the middle of making meatballs which is a pretty time consuming and space consuming endeavor and then all of a sudden out front can come back asking for cucumber, romaine, and grape tomatoes. What can be said? It is part of the job.

One of the first things I think about with extra cash is tattoos. I have been wanting another one for a while. I will just have to find the right person for what I want. I miss not having a tattoo guy in the area.

Perhaps I just have to keep doing what I am doing. At night maybe it is better to read something than to watch a film. I don't always feeling like reading though. Dense philosophy at night after a day of work just sounds undesirable. If the works are too stimulating I just want to stay up all night. I am not always in the mood for a novel but a film just seems to fit the situation right. I do really believe that we can be much better people with some work and some good choices involved. The question is for what? Well, I mean, there is hedonistic pleasure involved and desire fulfillment. The more pleasure I can attain and desires I can fulfill the better this existence will be. There is probably a trap in there somewhere but maybe I will go into a mozzarella cutting reverie and think about that today. Au revoir.

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Suicide + Grand Opening + Desire Fulfillment
  RiKD, Jul 29 2017

The beat goes on... The beat goes on. I do not have any real urge to "carry out" suicide at the moment. I write "carry out" as it is more neutral than the negative "commit." "Achieve" would be too positive as Benatar writes. Suicide can be a solution to this existence but I agree that there should be no negative or positive connotation associated with it. I am possibly mostly writing this blog as I just feel it is the natural progression. I have a lot of time before I go into work and the novel I am currently reading has been a bit drab although it surely has its moments. I am dreaming about something that will fulfill my wish for a continuation of the Nietzsche, "Denial of Death," and "The Human Predicament" I have been reading. Philosophy just seems to excite me more.

Right now I am probably slightly more pleased than not. I had a great night of sleep, I enjoyed a bagel with vegan cream cheese and a coffee, I had an energy drink which the caffeine is still coursing through my veins and making me feel good. Last night was the grand opening of the Italian place that employs me. I messed up my very first official dish. I added 2 cups of olive oil instead of 1/2 cup to 5 lbs. of onions. I did my best to drain some of it before putting it on the stove but there was way too much and it did not cook properly. I made it work and then strained the rest of the olive oil after it was cooked. The rest of the night went mostly smoothly although I was called over to help ball dough which I do quite poorly. I was taught about 4 different ways and did 0 of them well. Why does everyone teach me at their advanced speed? I am a noob and quite possibly just not very good. I don't know if I am very gifted at the fine motor skills. I can chop vegetables pretty good but balling dough is just not in my skill set at the moment.

If I were a millionaire I would be better at fulfilling my desires? I can not change my desires. They come uncontrollably. Now, I think some semblance of psychic change is possible. I don't desire alcohol but I do desire to drink alcohol with out problems. I want to fuck Rihanna but I don't think this fact has much an effect on my quality of life. The desire for just general sexual relief may throb and pang a bit more heavily. Sometimes what I want is at least reasonable sex with a reasonably attractive woman. Not having these minimal desires satisfied surely has an impact on quality of life. I desire hanging out with friends is another one. I can't just go down to the bar so it is a little bit trickier for me. If I don't particularly want to hang out with the AA crowd I may get into a bit of a pickle. A pickle that I currently find myself in. I keep saying this but there have got to be ways. There is more I want to do with my life than just internetz, reading, movies before and after work. That is probably the big 3 in my life where I am lacking. I have desires regarding friends, dating, sex that are not being fulfilled and it has a major impact on my quality of life. Another one would be having my own place which leads to the desire of having a better job and all of that helps with friends, dating, and sex. It is all the same things for me. It has been since I can remember.

I am not suicidal though. I sometimes have suicidal thoughts at times. I don't really experience much physical pain besides when I have been on my feet for 6+ hours. The pain is not that bad. Sometimes I get hungry and sometimes I get thirsty. My quality of life is rather bad but not that bad. How much better would it really be if I had my own place and a host of friends and a rich dating life including the sex that I desire? Who knows? It is interesting to me how I would judge it. I would grow new desires. I have become quite detached from pop culture and advertising. Would I find myself attached once again? Getting out into the world would I feel that pull to be "cool" and "hip"? Would I desire the latest fashions? I really just want to be me and where the same t-shirts and jeans everyday. A simple, comfortable pair of shoes. It gets complicated in between that and suit and tie. I have 2 dress shirt and do not like wearing khakis. I despise the uniform of the herd. So I avoid areas with that dress code at almost all costs.

My heart still beats. I can still read the letters on this screen. The sun shines through the window. So, I go on. I go on 'til the bitter end. Whether by my own hand or nature. The universe does not care. I must find solace in these earthly things.

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Pessimism + Optimism + Suicide
  RiKD, Jul 23 2017

I don't really have much going on right now and figured I would reflect a bit. What comes to mind is I want to talk about quality of life, suicide, death, optimism delusion, pessimism. A lot of it will likely be rehashed ideas of David Benatar. He recently came out with a book "The Human Predicament." I started working and have been on short sleep and forgot what that was like but I really enjoyed the book and want to get some of these ideas and discussion out in the open.

I want to bring up pessimism first. I was having a chat with the corporate trainer today and for whatever reason he decided it was time to give my performance a review. One of the things he said was that I was "enthusiastic" and the first thing that came to my mind which I told him was "well, that is good I suppose. I can be quite pessimistic at times..." and he interrupted me and was like "Oh no no" as if pessimistic was some banned word. With some of these corporate guys you just mention the word pessimism and they get all uncomfortable. Everything is about passion and smiles (and improving the share price). I think a lot of these people's heads would explode if I explained that life was bad and extinction was the desirable option. Which given that viewpoint I was still enthusiastic about creating food over the last week so his review is not inaccurate. Maybe that is strange to some but I do have an attitude that my parents fucked up having me but fuck, man, I am here so we might as well make the best of it. That could be pragmatic optimism in the face of pragmatic pessimism. My life is not that bad that suicide makes sense. There was a point in time today that my back hurt, I was hungry, and I was thirsty. I wake up early and I am tired. I am in traffic and I have to run errands. This is every day type of stuff. Life is mostly striving. We are striving for pleasure, avoiding pain, and fulfilling desires. Most of our desires don't get fulfilled and much pain is worse than any fleeting pleasure. The optimism delusion is to look at all of this and I mean this is all pretty tame stuff. I am not even talking about cancer, paralysis, old age, dying and death. Life is tough and it is tragic.

Suicide is deprivation of future experience and annihilation of the body. I think at 33 my life has to be pretty bad with no hope for improvement. My life is pretty bad but it is not bad enough. I am glad that I did not actually kill myself on more than a handful amount of times that I was pretty close in the past. I don't know how long I can go with out friends down here. There is social exposure at work which is a plus. I will probably be fine getting home late dicking around on the internet or reading a book or watching a movie. We will see. I was actually fantasizing today that if the job is not going well and life continues to suck I can steal one of the chef's knives and slit my wrists in a solitary place. Then I thought of making a bath and locking the door so I bleed out quicker and then I would be found in a bathtub of blood. Wow, that is pretty dark writing it out. If things get too bad it is always an option! After enjoying plentiful mussels in a red curry sauce with family that is not the way to do it. I obviously would not want my parents to find me dead in a bathtub full of blood. I don't really want to hang myself with a belt or go the gun route. I don't even think I can go the gun route as I am not sure if I was 302'd in either of my trips to the psych ward. Oh well, it is just nice to know that it is possible to kill myself if things get bad enough.

Maybe I will touch on quality of life at a later time.

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Automobiles, Nationalism
  RiKD, Jul 16 2017

I am back on a Radiohead tangent. I was completely transcended by "Hail to the Thief" today. I was in the perfect mood for it plus I have not listened to it in a while. I was reliving my first listen, my first loves, while finding a new experience of joy, reverie, and liberation. By the time I got to Myxomatosis I might as well have been on another planet. They seduced me. I was the cobra in the basket. Sometimes it feels good to be a slave. A slave to exquisite seduction. The unblinking eye. I wish to not be in the bondage of self. Take me away. Take me away.

I am not sure if it is obvious but I am fixated with France, French culture, French language, French cuisine, French women. I am unsure if the last sentence will be related to anything I just wanted to make that confession.

I may come back to that but something else that I have been thinking about lately is cars. It relates to a video I was watching on the difference between France and America. The observation was that France was full of the same car usually a Peugot. The streets are lined with these small, reasonable cars. That was also something I noticed when I was there. I think most Americans would be appalled by the idea that everyone drives the same car. I am appalled by large SUVs and trucks. Just in the sense of a certain gaudiness to it. Here in America we celebrate our freedom with automobile grandeur. I guess it is also a celebration of capitalism, the steel industry, advertising, and herd culture. I have had 3 cars in my life: A used Hyundai Elantra, a Chevy Equinox that was a company car, and now a used Subaru Forester that was given to me. All pretty reasonable cars. I could understand a soccer mom wanting the Chevy Equinox over the Renault Clio IV. One thing I do not really get though is that from my experience there just is not that much difference between better than a junk car and below say a nice Porsche or other unique sports car. If we are going for status with maybe also fun to drive I do see the value in some of these cars. Even when I was younger my friend had a BMW M3 Sport and certainly in Wisconsin there was value to perceived status. That is kind of getting into the whole social hierarchy games. I think it is possible to choose who we play games with or to outright reject it but social hierarchies do exist. What I am saying is there were popular social spheres in Wisconsin where having a BMW M3 Sport was a good play. I got to drive it a fair amount as well and it was exceedingly fun to drive compared to my parents minivan growing up. My neighbor has a beautiful Porsche and I envy him in that regard to a degree. I don't really play in that social sphere anymore but there is a part of me that longs for owning a unique and exceptional sports car. With the BIG automobiles I think it is a matter of there being a certain audacity to it. An audacity inline with much of AMERICAN nationalism. Many of the license plates here have a big "IN GOD WE TRUST" centered with a large AMERICAN flag to the left. It's like where am I living? What am I doing?

I think where the fixation in France comes in is I wish to live there. I wish to read Flaubert and Cioran in French. That is an occupation that strikes me whenever any related topics come up. I will seriously look into learning French as I see that as how I would like to be spending some of my time.

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