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I'll start a new blog entry
  RiKD, Oct 11 2022

Shout out to PoorUser for the Hollow Knight suggestion. Thank you. I have been playing it and it is fun, dreamlike, and ethereal in a way.

My local grocery store is carrying AdBusters which I thought was hilarious and awesome so I had to pick up a copy. Then I was reading through it and it touches on some salient points but I remembered there was a reason I stopped getting it. I don't think I like Kalle Lasn. He is a bit much. Doesn't mean other contributions aren't good.

At this point I think I am just looking forward to my vacation. It's probably a mistake. There are a lot of hours in between now and then. Music, vidya, sleep can really take up quite a bit of time. I'm sleeping too damn much but it's so damn cozy.

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short sound trip
  RiKD, Oct 04 2022

Here is a short sound trip I've been working on. I have to continue figuring out how to compose and arrange better but I thought this one was fun:

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haunted dancehall protected by angels
  RiKD, Sep 26 2022

That is the name of the last song or sound trip I made. It's not hopeless but I need to get a lot better to reach Burial or Aphex-Twin status (getting that good probably is hopeless). I want to learn how to create my own sounds. Then, arrange those sounds into something I like. I shouldn't really concern myself with what others are doing anyways and just do my own thing but right now my own thing is a mashup of sounds that is sometimes cool and other times not. Oh well, it's something to do anyway. I still have my guitar. I am learning a new scale this week which isn't too hard to learn at all but internalizing it and playing it with my eyes closed is a different matter! It's interesting the contrast between digital music and a guitar. It's kind of cool to create the chord shapes and make sure my fingers are in the right positions and also that I am striking the string optimally as well. But, it's also amazing the power of the DAW and how many sounds are out there and how many more there are by fucking with stuff.

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  RiKD, Aug 23 2022


*Tumble weed rolling along*

I wish I had something sensational to write to maybe lively up LP a little bit. Give us some entertainment. Bad entertainment. The fact is my life is not very sensational whatsoever. I drink tea. I contemplate. I listen to Boris Brejcha.

The expanse of space creeps into my spirit and dissipates until a new tide rolls in. I want to burn like the rave at xx/yy/2008. Will you burn with me?

Synthetic spirit. I am looking for the real thing. Paralyzed by the emptiness a tear rolls down my cheek. oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. The ghosts they are a calling. Fill me up and give me a little piece of your spirit please. It is a séance here tonight. A session of sitting. The ghosts they will call.

You know to get personal I am still seeing Luna and we are still just friends united by our love for Indian food and collapse. Not that we love collapse. It is just rare to find people that understand and can laugh about it and maybe cry about it and get good Indian food in the midst of it all. Maybe sometimes it is simply about some simple pleasures. The world is crumbling around us and there is likely nothing we can do. I don't have heaven to hope for. What do I do?

Luna always tells me to find myself spiritually. Center myself spiritually. And prepare. Prepare for the Kingdom of God. I believe something of the sort if I did that the Kingdom of God is within me. That is Tolstoy rubbing off on me. I do believe something of the sort though. Peace with the imperfect present. We would all do much better if we could find peace within the imperfect present.

I suppose it is probably also for the best of us to reduce screens. For LP to diminish and disappear. HA, these are becoming my private journals now.

Peace Tschuss Schluss

R i K D

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Zed Alpha Ocelot
  RiKD, Aug 20 2022

My screen time was pretty low today.

One thing about the acoustic guitar is it is forcing me to get better at chords. I've always been a guy that prefers the riffs and the solo stuff (and scales). The practice on the acoustic this week is just all about rhythm. I don't know if I like it but I love the songs I am playing so it is doable: Farewell Transmission, Blue Factory Flame, and Didn't It Rain by Songs:Ohia.

I don't know if I have a lot to say tonight. I'm pretty tired. Recently, I have had to exert extra energy at work because the weekends are busy, I had to make sure I had my medications taken care of, and my car was in the shop. That is a lot of extra driving and work. Tomorrow we'll get slammed and it won't be fun but I will hopefully survive as I have every other Saturday so far. I hate surviving for too long of a time but sometimes that is the way it goes if I want to maintain medications, health care, car maintenance, and buy acoustic guitars without giving a fuck.

Not that the guitar is that expensive. It's a Stadium Dreadnought. Shanzhai Fender Acoustic made in China with cheap materials. It actually sounds great but will never get that phenomenal sound of aged quality wood. I am thinking about stepping up my electric guitar here pretty soon too. Maybe get a neck-in Epiphone which is a Shanzhai Gibson Les Paul. That damn car service cost me a paycheck mother fuckers but I gotta keep that thing running. It's just after playing this new acoustic guitar it's a lot more comfortable for me to play the thing is all. An Epiphone should be similar in that regard. A little bit larger neck feels comfortable for me.

Very few people on here probably care about my guitar interest or becoming a performance-machine at work. I had this idea that I would share how much time I spent on screens but no one cares about that either. There is really not a whole lot to share. I've been so busy the last week there has not been much time for anything other than work and errands. I lost myself in that to be honest. It took me away. And, it's going to be another day or 2 of that. Just the way the cookie crumbles. I'm a bit numb to be honest.

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Zed Alpha Ocelot
  RiKD, Aug 20 2022

weird double post

mods delete please

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Genesis Zephyr Falcon
  RiKD, Aug 07 2022

I worked my ass off the last few days. Up for a promotion the performance machine was running all systems go. In fact, I'm making sure my phone is right next to me if they call me in tomorrow.

High Alone by Sevdaliza. Go like 4mg of Xanax. That will cut the heaviness of working overtime on extreme rushed, hectic, frantic time. If I'm not careful I will be lost on the undead time. I have to work frantically to have a chance at the GOOD PUSS. I don't think I can truly think under these conditions. The music is too loud. The key strokes are too loud. It's too active. In order to contemplate properly I need to slow down and be still. There is too much information on here.

I hope to keep it simple tomorrow. If I'm not working go to the beach and watch the birds and feel the breeze. Maybe read a novel and take a nap. Of course, play the guitar. I got a metronome which is helping a lot. I also got a wahwah pedal (Crybaby) that is pretty fun. Maybe 1 day I will be able to play White Room by Cream in it's entirety or Voodoo Child by Jimi Hendrix.

What are some other classic wahwah pedal songs?

What would LP have me play?

Hah... There are only like 10 ppl reading this...

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Consider a promotion at work?
  RiKD, Aug 03 2022

Well, I am considering it. I am considering to apply for a promotion at work to be a manager. 2 managers told me about the opening and said I should apply. Pay would be like $30,000/yr now to $40,000/yr if I get the job. I would obviously have manager duties and they said the biggest change is when I am the manager in charge of the store duties. I think I'm going to go for it but I posted this here in case I'm missing something or to just better think about it through writing.

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What do we want? What do you want?
  RiKD, Jul 29 2022

The problem with capitalism is that it has no concern for the good life. It just wants growth. It wants interstellar imperialism at all costs. Unfortunately, it seems that my occupation is no different. They want more sales with less people. I can't tell if they are hollowing it out on purpose or that is just the nature of things right now but I don't like it. I want to sit at the patio with my friends on a Wednesday night and not feel a heaviness from the rush, the hectic, frantic day. I was overcharged, over-cooked. There were sparks and not good ones. I do not want this.

I don't want to obsess about the good life but I don't want to be stuck in the bare life either. How are you doing? I'm surviving... Just survive for too long and become undead. I don't care. Eat your vegetables and fruits. Exercise. Meditate. Whatever dude. There is more to life than just survivin'. I am not even talking about yachts and private jets. Fuck that. A flourishing spirit. Individual activities, patios, the Other. Not being so god damn rushed all the time.

Everyone is different. Everyone may have a different conception of the good life. We've been discussing this stuff since the Greeks and probably earlier. The problem is people caught up in the whirlwind of capitalism don't see it and they most likely never will. The burnt out and the depressives stay there because they don't understand and they never will. They are trying to accelerate even faster when the answer is to slow down and not just slow down so one can accelerate even faster the next trip. I know all this and I still get caught up in it all. Philosophy is a luxury and a leisure experience. People working 60 hours+ a week have no time for it. It's hard to truly digest it after a slammed day even if one has all night. What fits better is whatever is easiest and will get one through the time and duration away from work in order for work performance to improve. That's not philosophy. I read about the good life and go shit I have to get away from work somehow. Somehow I need to slow down and not try to one-up my perfect score from yesterday. How do I beat 100/100? Why do I feel like shit? I'm survivin' though.....

I want madness and passion in my love. Not just pleasant feelings. I want to risk my life. I don't want to just take my medicines and work away my life as a slave. It really seems like there is no way out. Is playing the guitar and going down to a patio enough? I've been accumulating money but there is always a fear there. Since I don't make a whole lot it kind of always feels like I am in a precarious position. But, should my goal be to max the limit on how much I am making? That is a scared slave survivin' position.

A friend of mine showed up at the patio yesterday and I have never seen someone so depressed in my life. I'm surprised he could even make it out. He said he hasn't experienced joy in 8 months and just works and goes home and stares at the wall. I shared some of my own experiences but he didn't seem to give a shit. Just said his life is over, etc. The only thing he seemed interested in was I suggested he watch Melancholia by Lars Von Trier. He didn't seem to want to kill himself but he did wish he was dead. I thought suggesting Cioran The Trouble with Being Born might have been going too far but that book has helped me with multiple depressions. The emphasis of his problems would be that he has no one in his life and he feels like an outcast. I was trying to suggest that the remedy to that would be to slowly get people in his life and then he would no longer feel like an outcast but he is in total despair. It's a tricky situation because it is tough to go from outcast to not outcast. Any suggestions on how to help this guy are welcome.

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  RiKD, Jul 18 2022

As I sit here listening to Emma Ruth Rundle - Marked For Death (Album) I realize that yes I am marked for death and sometimes it is hard to believe that someone would "pick" me in light of this fact that I am in fact marked for death or for many other reasons. Why would I pick them? They that are also marked for death and for many other reasons?

Something that has been bothering me is that in the letter that the manager wrote she wrote that I was a "Can Do" person with a great attitude and that I never say no to things. I feel that at work I am a Non-Playable Character or some autistic performance-machine.

Not to say that I don't enjoy the Other at work. I hate the word authentic but I try not to put up a schtick or act as if an employee in this area is supposed to act. But, I do have customer service training and sales training. I always kind of liked how retail acted in Paris or Buenos Aires. The sort of labor I am doing is not really the kind to fuck up a whole consciousness but in a way it does. I've been through this a million times but when I am working there is close to zero leisure time. My time off work is a rest from work but also rest for work. It's rare to truly get out of the grips of this. The problem is when I am unemployed I have plenty of time for leisure but no money to even survive or at least in my circumstances keep a sane mind without being thoroughly crushed by capital.

The more I think the more likely that I will find something new.

The more I think the more likely that I will find something new.

The more I think the more likely that I will find something new.

I have to say having some sort of dating life is a plus. It's kind of like the movie Anomalisa where a guy is caught in the world of the same until he finally meets someone who is different. Great film. Worth a watch. My grit to leave the house and be among people is lifting me out of my isolated, cynical depression and it feels really great.

I don't think I am a pushover at work it's just that people ask reasonable questions in the context of work. I have a "can do" attitude probably because that's how I was raised. It's funny though after all these years I still don't want to be a loser. Who wants to be a loser? Maybe I still am a loser in the overall hierarchal sense but I am not a loser in this little sphere at work and I am not a loser in AA. I am just saying the burnout and the depression are one in the same. It sucks that I need to force myself to connect but maybe if the pain is not great enough there is no impetus to change.

There is a feeling that I am in an ok place. So, what if I flirt with autistic performance-machine at work if I am not undead when I leave. Maybe the Other is enough. Maybe I just might make it out of here with out killing myself. I hate saying "yes" or "yes I can" at work. I am not free. I feel like this blog was written with some thought but also some compulsion. Compulsion is the opposite of freedom. I do feel free when I write listening to music that I was free to choose or compelled to choose by the mood. I feel free. I feel free.

I feel free.

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