Yup, it's still upon me. I'll try not to put anything in here about punching Nazis or strangling Israeli Defense Forces. It's the strangest thing I have no desire to do either of those things at the moment. It's weird how thoughts work no?
I finally got some dye for my t-shirt dying adventure. It was between beet waste and dye and the dye won. They are about the same price except cleaning beets is one of my least favorite kitchen jobs. I am happy to not be coerced into doing that in order to eat food and survive so I will probably never eat beets again if I am making the food. Unless my mom wanted me to make her her mom's borscht for some reason. Then I might come out of beet cleaning retirement.
I am also on the path of budding bread making novice. It's nice to get more or less the same benefits of quality bread as an expert would. The learning curve is tremendous to get to expert baker status for sure but just making a simple loaf of bread is actually quite easy as long as things are exact. Everyone should try it!
Painting has been painting. I mixed the most beautiful murky green-brown today and gesso'd a canvas with it. I'm interesting to see how that one will turn out.
If I could just figure out a way to volunteer say 25 hours a week and have the rest of the time for leisure that would be dandy. It would be nice to actually see friends. I've actually been faring pretty well in this quarantine. Sometimes I don't feel like reading which can really throw a wrench into the cogs but other than that it's been quite alright. I am not looking forward to going back to 40 hours a week at my current job. That is so many hours. And I haven't been able to think of something else in the mean time. I could move to PA and play poker. $20/hr at 20 hours a week feels like it could be doable. And that is the only way I can think to achieve that. I can't think of anything else that I could work 20 hours whenever I want and achieve $20/hr. I don't know I'd rather find something where it at least feels like I am adding some value. Not in the tech dickhead sense of adding value but more so being useful to the planet, its ecology, and yes the beings on the planet as well. I have had a lot of time I could have looked more into this but maybe now is the time.
I feel tortured yet I feel free. How could that be? Am I masochistic? There are sometimes when I lay my head down on the pillow and it is hopeless. But sometimes I fall asleep when I least expect it. Many times I don't. I know it is partly because I just lie in bed most of the day reading. If I were out in the fields from dawn until dusk I highly doubt there would be sleep problems.
I am finally reading a proper novel. "Ada or Ardor" by Vladimir Nabokov.
That's really all I am doing. Not much to report. I've been painting a little bit. I've been inspired by "murky" colors. A lot of grays and browns.
I am inspired to make my own tea glasses (yunomi). I don't currently have access to materials or a kiln but I will when quarantine is up hopefully. I wish to make stoneware yunomi as a gift for friends and family. 1 per person only each individually made by me. That is something that I am excited about.
I am also inspired to start baking my own Italian bread. Water, flour, yeast, salt. I could do that tomorrow.
I am listening to some Palestinian music that is actually quite rousing. It's making me think about strangling some Israeli scum. Before I get my noob ass Krav Maga'd to death.
It feels like I am so far away from sleep. I am on a break for it. A break for what? I will say I never quite know where the rabbit hole will take me. I can't just write in these white spaces forever.
I just ate a big lunch and have to let it settle a bit before getting back to some reading.
Marcuse talks about how we see our "soul" in the commodities we buy. Or at least some people. That is a pretty shit form of spirituality. It kind of preys on this idea that we should be authentic. We have no "soul" so we can fix that by buying stuff. It's a ruse mastered by the marketing department. I could be falling for it as we speak but I think I am pretty strong in this area. Mostly because I simply don't buy stuff.
That's why I love Nature. The trees don't try and sell my anything. The natural arrangements of the flowers. I can still remember the beauty of the patches of wild violets in the woods behind my childhood home. The sounds of the streams. The birds singing their songs. We can learn a lot from birds. We cannot learn a lot from the "Daily Mirror." "The "intelligent" tabloid."
I have been getting into Allen Ginsberg poetry and William Burroughs novel "Naked Lunch." I don't know if I would say that I am underwhelmed exactly. There is definitely some good stuff there. I just think that period gets a little bit too much credit for the art that was produced. There's definitely some great stuff enmeshed in it all but overall I would say it is overrated. For the times I could see it being a big deal I just don't think it holds up as well as other stuff throughout the history of the earth. I could change my mind as I read more. Maybe, maybe not.
Oh well. I think my food is probably digested enough. Have a good day all. Toodles.
Well, no. There is no one listening. There is no gaze. There is no voice.
What is digital communication anyway?
Who am I writing to?
I miss the Other. Their gaze. Their voice.
I smell bad. I haven't showered in I don't know how many days.
I want to read Theodor Adorno but his paperbacks are like $30 and I ain't readin' no pdf bullshit... Fuck that shit. And he doesn't like jazz music. I wanted to pick up a book on his essays on the culture industry and aesthetics. Oh well.
My therapist told me to write a journal everyday. This probably isn't the format.
I will say I want quarantine to be over but I don't want to go back to work so what do I do?
So, I sit and listen to Pink Floyd's "Shine On You Crazy Diamond" and fill up the white space.
I think if I should have another white tea.
I speak to no one and everyone.
My headphones are really good. I don't buy many things but am really happy with that purchase.
"Walden & Other Writings of Henry David Thoreau" is staring at me on the table...
Roland Barthes lived with his mother until she died. He was 61 I believe. I would like to read more of his philosophy as well. I don't think I want to live with my mother until I am 61 the guy is just intriguing is all.
But at some point maybe you just gotta like say fuck off to these "elitist" philosophers and watch some live punk shows. I feel like a million bucks. I've got too much energy and I don't know what to do with it. I need to find new creative outlets. Or old creative outlets.
I feel like punching nazis and hugging homeless people.
My French sucks. I wish it were better. Time and energy. What do we do with our time and energy?
It is easy to fall into a routine while working. We work, we rest for work, we work. In quarantine i seemingly have an excess of time. I am not working so i have plenty of willpower and energy. What do we spend our time and energy on?
I am currently reading Jean Baudrillard's "Fatal Strategies." It is pretty good but is it the best that the world has to offer?
I am currently listening to smoke a blunt and chill with the special lady friend music and writing a blog. Maybe i can get to the bottom of this issue maybe not.
We only get a certain amount of time and energy what do we do with it?
I am on the brink of losing it in quarantine. I would have never read "Being and Time" if it weren't for quarantine. I'm glad i got to it. I am a drug addict. I'm looking for that same level of flow. It was like i was taking hits on that Byung-Chul Han until i scale it up real special with some Heidegger. Maybe i need to come down again on some literature. What if i don't even feel like reading? or painting? I am fucked. I need good drugs to get me through this. I am out of yellow paint. That is an annoyance. And i don't want to go back to my job when this is all through. So, i need some plans man. I need some plans man! Such strange times. At the same time i tell myself to just take it one day at a time and that's all i can really do.
Am i the only one that feels this pressure to optimize my time and energy in quarantine?
I don't know if it's even that i just don't want to engage in news, gossip, entertainment, social media. Idle talk basically. Fleeing from myself and the fact that i will die. Or more simply it's a waste of time and energy.
I am going to die though. That's the impetus here. Of course i like pleasure and tranquility though too. I do not know if i need some grand project or narrative either. That's always a mindfuck. The truth is there is no project or narrative that defies death but in the grips of an adventure life feels alive. I can take a walk in nature and feel the breeze and watch the birds. "Being and Time" made me feel ALIVE. I am just a drug addict looking for good drugs. I am knocking off the rust in my German to pass the time but that is fiddly sticks. When is the revolution? We are too late. The world as we know it is over.
here is a gooey song:
Maybe i will end it there. When is the revolution? Oops. We are too late. The world is already over and has been for a while.
I am reading Heidegger's "Being and Time." hiems would immediately jump to the conclusion that i am status signaling. He says i am trying to oppress him and create a new world where i am high status because i read books. I would like to see a world where intellectualism is valued especially outside of academia. But part of this blog was that i wish to take a break from all this utopia talk. I am sick of it at the moment. I need a break. That's why i am reading Heidegger "Being and Time." It's something that i have meant to read for a long time and is pure contemporary, continental philosophy. No critical theory, etc. But i guess i have to touch on the utopia to some degree. My dad is a very smart man, my brother too. Reading 1 page of Heidegger would be confusing and boring for them most likely. I read my dad some Baudrillard before and he just said "I don't understand one word of what you just said. Why do you read that?" I don't want a world where people have to use their leisure reading philosophy but i DO want a world where people have that option. It is very difficult to read let alone comprehend philosophy working full time+ hours. I can count the number of women on one hand that thought my knowledge of Nietzsche or Sartre was sexy. Actually i can only think of 1 women in my life that even knew i knew Nietzsche and Sartre and it's debatable if she thought it was sexy. That isn't going to change anytime soon. I am not trying to oppress anyone I am for 0 hierarchies remember? How we get there is a whole different topic. I don't know how we get there and I don't want to think about it at the moment. If someone has suggestions I'm all for it but I don't have any suggestions besides just slow, gradual change which we probably end up going extinct to climate catastrophe instead of actually finding an alternative to late capitalism. I need to hang out with my leftist friends TT.
Even in anarchist spaces there are still hierarchies. In Food Not Bombs one of the members is a chef. When she is in the kitchen we are equals but we understand that she is a chef and give her authority.
When i don't have late capitalism to complain about i don't have much of a blog.
Roderick talks irt Heidegger about how we have this underlying anxiety about death. And i think this is an idea Sartre takes from Heidegger but we have this freedom to live life authentically. I mean we are going to die after all right? What do we have to lose?
But, as Roderick says there is more to life than authenticity. We can authentically be Nazis (*cough* Heidegger *cough*). So, morality plays a part but as Sartre says when the chips are down there is no ethics, no thought experiment that can help. Do you stay with a dying mother? Or, do you leave and fight with your comrades?
My dad and my brother invested into the sciences and business. Most would say their investments were better than mine. For me I would disagree and i suppose that is all that really matters. I am not trying to create a world where science and entrepreneurship are stifled. Remember, i don't actually know what kind of world i want to create besides one that is kinder and more fair. What i do know is that being a human in this world can be tough. We will see how much wisdom Heidegger has to offer.
I started a Liquid Poker discord channel for chatting about anything. Kind of like the Starcraft/Warcraft days of talking about strat in the chat but then inevitably talking about all other sorts of stuff. Same with poker and MSN days. I don't really know how it will go but I clicked some buttons and it is up and running.
I woke up early (7am) and did my taxes. I may be getting on the manic side.... Mania in quarantine.... that is bad news... or good news for everyone else perhaps. I have a decent refund supposedly coming to me. If Bernie gets me another $2k I'll be looking pretty good. Just continue to study stuff and talk to people. I'm currently on "The Conquest of Bread" by Kropotkin. Pretty fucking classic if you ask me. Byung-Chul Han has a new book coming out. I kind of want to re-read his stuff. I also want to re-read Mark Fisher. Those 2 guys are my guys. Get up on that shit if you haven't already. "The Burnout Society" by Han and "Capitalist Realism" by Mark Fisher are must reads.
I went to the beach this morning to take a walk and it was CLOSED. The bathrooms were CLOSED too. I really needed to take a pee so I just turned back around but I have all this energy I was going to use for a walk to just sit around doing ????
I don't remember what documentary I was watching but there was a kindergarten in Deutschland that did all the classwork in nature. I want to mix that nature aspect with Montessori principles and start my own kindergarten. I don't want it to be private and expensive but open to anyone in the area with somehow keeping class sizes to the appropriate level. Ideally for vulnerable children. I don't have any Montessori certification or capital at this point but this is something I could focus on.
I have ideas but no followthrough. Would I be good at this? Would I enjoy this?
Now is the time to study and think about what I would really like to do.
My therapist says she thinks my underlying sadness and dissatisfaction will go away if I get the work/productive aspect of my life more figured out. I like what Kropotkin says on the matter but it is not possible TODAY. I would love to work 25 hours a week on something I am passionate about and still have the other hours for leisure and non-bourgeois luxury. That seems just about ideal.
Right now I feel that my big task is getting all the local AA meetings from live meetings to online meetings. I did a meeting last night on Zoom and it worked out pretty well.
Other than that it's go for walks, stay inside, study. Now is the time for change. We have learned a lot about capitalism in a short time in this situation.