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RiKD    United States. Oct 07 2021 03:30. Posts 6789
Just feel like letting one fly over here. I am an addict. I just ate 2 bars of orange dark chocolate because there was just not much else going on and I was uncomfortable with my self. The ticking of my blue switch mechanical keyboard brings me pleasure.

I have been feeling uncomfortable lately like I need help from a miracle worker therapist fast or I need to start going to AA meetings again. These are just other drugs and in reality I am screwed. I have noticed I have just been anxious lately and bored and there is no real shot of making friends and things are too cramped. I would make music but my nephew is sleeping. I can only think to come back to one of my major addictions. My blog on this website.

At this juncture I don't think it is wise to fight through USA Government Bureaucracy for a shot at some some slice of Social Security money. As far as I can tell I am pretty well medicated. About as good as I'll ever be. NEET life can be a rough life. It is time to try and do something.

I don't know if this blog is any different to a blog 4 years ago. Sad really. I can't seem to break through. What is there to break through?

Sovereignty. Money right. Girlfriend to be there.

Do we ever get to get off of our knees? Constantly worrying about stepping on the toes of the ones that feed?

I want to be as free as Richard Pryor,
Not running around with my hair on fire.

You know I saw my nigga Daut posting in the NFT thread the other day. I was like damn, that nigga is probably pretty free. Good for him. I know more or less what he has done and what he is doing. I am just not there. And there is a chance he is feeling just as lonely as me right as I type this and that may or may not be true. I have a case of the ennuí. Maybe it is gone later tonight, tomorrow, next week, who knows. The good thing is that my mind is not going to suicidal ideations or worse. It's a little little dark age.

I do not know how much I have to look forward to. People have been telling me to jot down gratitude lists for 7 years. I do not want to have anything to do with your God or your gratitude. I will fuck the newcomer with the fat ass when my parents are on vacation though... That's fucked up {that's fucked up}.

I just read a biography on David Foster Wallace and I would wager that he had a larger problem with depression than I have but sometimes I wonder if I really can make it out this existence without killing myself.

So, I have to get a job. Video Game Tester seems pretty good enough for me it's just a matter of if I have the magic find on or not. I am not even thinking in terms of anything really. As long as it pays more than disability it seems like a good enough deal. Even though I know that I need to look at situations where the output is greater than the input. Meaning I make 50 pizzas in a day and it's robotic hell and I get paid jack shit .... I just don't want to be in shitty job hell. But then I think about it and I am like well actually I need sovereignty, a money surplus, and a good girlfriend not just a neutral or bad girlfriend.... It seems like outside of my reality.

I have been grasping with this stuff for it seems like far too long. Like I just can't seem to get it. How hard is it to get a job, get an apartment, pay bills, get a girlfriend, and live the good life?

But maybe no one that I know is actually living the good life. There are certainly many that are awfully close it seems. Especially a lot of my former poker playing friends they are still torturing themselves over what the good life entails (including myself) when a lot of it is right before our eyes.

Yet, life is complicated. Needs, wants, boredom, entertainment. How to quell the craving, the striatum, the dopamine pump. I don't actually want to meditate for 4 hours a day and live a subdued life. There has to be some sort of alternative. I think that it is only getting worse for me and my generation and even worse for the generation before us.

Man, I tried wearing Tom Ford and sippin' Champagne. I just vomited it all up and ruined my clothes. Or fucked a Beyoncé and felt nothing. Lying awake all night like damn THAT pussy didn't put me to sleep? I still have some Tom Ford shades that I wear that looks awfully strange since I mostly dress like a homeless person these days.

Speed and deadmau5 can make me happy.

My cat Sebastien makes me happy.

That 2 bars of orange dark chocolate have apparently made me happy.

White tea makes me happy.

This keyboard makes me happy.

Holy shit I just made a gratitude list and it is dissolving the ennuí it seems.

But if I leave what is out there for me...

Time to find out.

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Loco   Canada. Oct 07 2021 03:41. Posts 20504

You could literally be what you are doing right now while being paid for it as a video game tester, so really, what is there to break through? When my ex was doing it she was not working 99% of the time -- there are people who slack off an enormous amount. You basically get too choose because you're always part of a team and some people overwork and some underwork. And since you are living with your parents you would probably be able to work from home so they can't monitor what you're doing. So really, there is no excuse. Just give it a try and stop overthinking and bringing in concepts of input output that rich capitalists try to brainwash the masses with. Input output wouldn't work if everyone was a venture capitalist. Some people actually need to do the work for the others to exploit with their "passive income" schemes. You are not in a position to be a capitalist, accept your lot, get to work making some moves.

You might have a small chance still at that regular life where you can get a place and a girlfriend, but the longer you hesitate and overthink and make repetitive posts on here, the thinner that chance gets. Once you get some income and some structure to your life you'll be able to think more clearly. At this point you might be addicted to your suffering and self-sabotaging any chance of making your life better which is what happens to a lot of NEETs. Creatures of habit.

Those who make a peaceful revolution impossible, will make a violent revolution inevitable.Last edit: 07/10/2021 04:01

hiems   United States. Oct 07 2021 11:02. Posts 2157

I don't have any problems with video game tester but Idk I just didn't think it was a heartbeat type of job that they gave to anyone.

I knew this kid andrew in highschool that was really into games growing up that ended up being in a QA role at a video game company and I was under the impression it was a serious job. Maybe there are different levels to this video game tester thing kind of like a CNA, LPN, and RN lol idk.

I still think if you can teach English online and you decide to live in some place like Mexico that is a decent way to get an apartment/gf especially if your parents subsidize you a few k a year or something like that.

[img]https://i.imgur.com/wkwWj2d.png[/img]Last edit: 07/10/2021 11:33

Loco   Canada. Oct 07 2021 12:57. Posts 20504

It's a job you can get out of high school, but lots of middle-aged guys end up working there because it's easy and there is no barrier to entry. When I did my training not a single person in my group of like 25-30 failed to become an employee. My ex was video games-retarded and didn't know how to setup a PC (plug things in) and still got the job.

It's a serious job but there is a lot of sitting around waiting for devs to get their shit together and actually fix the stuff you report. If they don't fix it there's only so much you can do the next day, especially if they are not uploading new builds or the builds are broken. And when there is actual work to be done there's always overworking people in every group that make it easy for others to have little to nothing to do. It's not anywhere near as serious as making pizzas in a big branch store or any job that requires you to be on top of your game because you have students. The pressure is never on you as a tester unless you are fucking up writing shitty reports. This kind of low pressure environment is ideal for people who have lost confidence in themselves or those who probably have some degree of trauma from having been put under pressure they couldn't handle in past environments.

Those who make a peaceful revolution impossible, will make a violent revolution inevitable.Last edit: 07/10/2021 13:03

hiems   United States. Oct 07 2021 13:02. Posts 2157


  On October 07 2021 11:57 Loco wrote:
It's a job you can get out of high school, but lots of middle-aged guys end up working there because it's easy and there is no barrier to entry. When I did my training not a single person in my group of like 25-30 failed to become an employee. My ex was video games-retarded and didn't know how to setup a PC (plug things in) and still got the job.

It's a serious job but there is a lot of sitting around waiting for devs to get their shit together and actually fix the stuff you report. If they don't fix it there's only so much you can do the next day, especially if they are not uploading new builds or the builds are broken. And when there is actual work to be done there's always overworking people in every group that make it easy for others to have little to nothing to do. It's not anywhere near as serious as making pizzas in a big branch store or any job that requires you to be on top of your game because you have students. The pressure is never on you as a tester unless you are fucking up writing shitty reports.



Like I said idk the job my buddy got seemed a bit more serious than that but I am just speculating.

[img]https://i.imgur.com/wkwWj2d.png[/img] 

RiKD    United States. Oct 07 2021 17:38. Posts 6789

QA in restaurants is the last look and QAs need to understand every recipe versus someone just putting mozzarella cheese on a pizza.

From looking at indeed there are currently no game tester jobs near me which is a bummer. There are a lot of remote jobs but most of those are looking for people with experience. I can only look at so many disappointments at a time so I'll just have to put on more magic finding gear and go at it again.

Another thing working remotely is that my macbook pro from 2009 might be in the running for being able to run the least amount of games on the planet.

I do appreciate the spitballing though. I am not going to give up.


RiKD    United States. Oct 07 2021 17:46. Posts 6789

re: NEET life

I don't think I would have ever painted as much, picked up the guitar as much, actually created songs in garageband, read so many good books, etc. I mean the list is long on what bonafide leisure can offer. But there is a darkside to NEET-life as well. The proximity is a bit off to make friends. The internet becomes more comfortable than leaving the house. If I start having less than ~$2,000 to live off of even if I had Medicaire also. It's kind of a trap. I have to slowly and adeptly work my way out of the trap.


hiems   United States. Oct 07 2021 18:24. Posts 2157

The main problem though is...you at the moment.

I looked you up on LinkedIn once and you honestly had the LinkedIn profile of a crazy person, psycho, mass shooter, etc.

First of all you had some retarded thing talking about "ending existential suffering " on there and a pic of yourself looking like some crazy unibomber type are murderer. Honestly do you think these are good ideas?

If you keep needing other people to tell you these things this is the problem. I don't know why I do this for free honestly.

Delete your LinkedIn you will never need it again...

[img]https://i.imgur.com/wkwWj2d.png[/img]Last edit: 07/10/2021 18:31

hiems   United States. Oct 07 2021 21:29. Posts 2157

Anyway I'm waiting for a flight right now and my words seem harsh and negative.

But I think this was a unique perspective and hope that helps in some way.

[img]https://i.imgur.com/wkwWj2d.png[/img] 

Loco   Canada. Oct 07 2021 23:06. Posts 20504


  On October 07 2021 16:38 RiKD wrote:
QA in restaurants is the last look and QAs need to understand every recipe versus someone just putting mozzarella cheese on a pizza.

From looking at indeed there are currently no game tester jobs near me which is a bummer. There are a lot of remote jobs but most of those are looking for people with experience. I can only look at so many disappointments at a time so I'll just have to put on more magic finding gear and go at it again.

Another thing working remotely is that my macbook pro from 2009 might be in the running for being able to run the least amount of games on the planet.

I do appreciate the spitballing though. I am not going to give up.



You have experience. The experience needed is playing video games and being used to staring at a screen often in a state of dissatisfaction. If we count poker, you have more experience in this than anything else you've worked in, in terms of total hours. The rest they will teach you and it's stupid simple: how to categorize bugs and how to write bug reports according to their standards. Do the ads not say they offer training? Even if, let's say, they asked for specific QA experience (I highly doubt this is all that's available) you could easily just lie and get a minimal amount of information about Jira or whatever else they use and say you have experience with it.

They obviously provide you with all the computer material needed for the job. You think they would let people run unreleased games/builds on some random computers? Do you realize how costly it would be to them if their employees leaked game info from running on some poorly secured computers? Even if they wanted to, they can't do the "you are your own business so invest in your own stuff" model.

Those who make a peaceful revolution impossible, will make a violent revolution inevitable.Last edit: 08/10/2021 03:22

RiKD    United States. Oct 08 2021 00:29. Posts 6789

Fuck it. I'll just start applying to places tomorrow and see what happens.


RiKD    United States. Oct 08 2021 02:11. Posts 6789


  On October 07 2021 17:24 hiems wrote:
The main problem though is...you at the moment.

I looked you up on LinkedIn once and you honestly had the LinkedIn profile of a crazy person, psycho, mass shooter, etc.

First of all you had some retarded thing talking about "ending existential suffering " on there and a pic of yourself looking like some crazy unibomber type are murderer. Honestly do you think these are good ideas?

If you keep needing other people to tell you these things this is the problem. I don't know why I do this for free honestly.

Delete your LinkedIn you will never need it again...



I don't think I would ever say "end existential suffering" versus "reduce existential suffering." I looked into the pic. That was taken the morning after I was let out of the psych ward. I woke up, felt great, looked like shit and thought this was the perfect time to update my LinkedIn profile to make it the ugliest picture on LinkedIn. I am pretty sure my work history was some rant on the myth of Sisyphus and gay dolphins. My resume was the 2 of clubs through 6 of clubs scribbled over in permanent marker. But yeah, my mania is the equivalent of someone getting excited about New Year's Resolutions.


RiKD    United States. Oct 08 2021 02:18. Posts 6789

My resume:

https://ibb.co/wrBSn4Q

hiems:

Bipolar I is like someone getting excited for New Year's Resolutions:

Carole: My ass does not look exactly like the Instagram models that I like. I am elated to do 40 extra donkey kicks a day and lose 10 lbs. this year!!!


hiems   United States. Oct 08 2021 03:40. Posts 2157

I'd be willing to make a small prop bet on whether rikd can land a job as a video game tester.

Can do with either Loco or rikd

[img]https://i.imgur.com/wkwWj2d.png[/img] 

hiems   United States. Oct 08 2021 03:42. Posts 2157


  On October 08 2021 01:18 RiKD wrote:
My resume:

https://ibb.co/wrBSn4Q

hiems:

Bipolar I is like someone getting excited for New Year's Resolutions:

Carole: My ass does not look exactly like the Instagram models that I like. I am elated to do 40 extra donkey kicks a day and lose 10 lbs. this year!!!



Bipolar is like that yes but it becomes a problem when you combine it with being a dumbass. Not sure why u left that part out I explained it to you before.

[img]https://i.imgur.com/wkwWj2d.png[/img] 

RiKD    United States. Oct 08 2021 16:53. Posts 6789

Bipolar is like getting excited about New Year's Resolutions or it's like going to the psych ward and blowing up my LinkedIn on a morning whim?

I have a mental illness that affects ~45 million people in the world you dolt. It's not a matter of being a dumbass. You think I get sent to psych wards for being a dumbass?

You are such a primordial piece of shit thorn in everyone's side that you are banned from this blog and you still come around to bother me.

If I was such a dumbass why did I delete my LinkedIn soon after making those changes to it?

And why are you constantly stalking everyone on this site?

LinkedIn has no value to me. I am not a professional. Yet, obviously, it is not wise to just broadcast my mental illness across the internet in that fashion. Honestly, I blew up my chances at being a professional in 2014 when I blew up that corporate job with drinking and a trip to rehab and the psych ward and then took long-term disability and basically told them to fuck off when they offered me another job(s). I went out and got tattoos and grew my hair out and grew my beard out and refuse to wear ties or chic leather belts and shoes or khakis.

I do not want your life hiems. I want no part of what you have done or are doing. Leave me alone.


hiems   United States. Oct 08 2021 17:11. Posts 2157


  On October 08 2021 15:53 RiKD wrote:
Bipolar is like getting excited about New Year's Resolutions or it's like going to the psych ward and blowing up my LinkedIn on a morning whim?

I have a mental illness that affects ~45 million people in the world you dolt. It's not a matter of being a dumbass. You think I get sent to psych wards for being a dumbass?

You are such a primordial piece of shit thorn in everyone's side that you are banned from this blog and you still come around to bother me.

If I was such a dumbass why did I delete my LinkedIn soon after making those changes to it?

And why are you constantly stalking everyone on this site?

LinkedIn has no value to me. I am not a professional. Yet, obviously, it is not wise to just broadcast my mental illness across the internet in that fashion. Honestly, I blew up my chances at being a professional in 2014 when I blew up that corporate job with drinking and a trip to rehab and the psych ward and then took long-term disability and basically told them to fuck off when they offered me another job(s). I went out and got tattoos and grew my hair out and grew my beard out and refuse to wear ties or chic leather belts and shoes or khakis.

I do not want your life hiems. I want no part of what you have done or are doing. Leave me alone.



I wouldn't call it stalking, I consider it my eye of Saucon power which I feel like is one of my strengths. For example if I went to high-school with some kid looking at various places life takes him or her allows me to gain insight on life. This is especially a good strength to have if you are partially taking a break from life and are turtling a bit from people because as it allows you to partially recover those things you lose by losing touch with people and it allows you to take advantage of the strengths of turtling.

[img]https://i.imgur.com/wkwWj2d.png[/img] 

hiems   United States. Oct 08 2021 17:34. Posts 2157

As far as the bipolar thing goes we can go back and forth all day.

I don't know if your LinkedIn thing was a mental breakdown. Maybe the axe murderer picture thing but I'm referring mostly to your "reduce existential suffering thing".

[img]https://i.imgur.com/wkwWj2d.png[/img] 

RiKD    United States. Oct 09 2021 01:53. Posts 6789

Social observation live is a very important skill.

Stalking people is just being a freak and a very weird dude.

LinkedIn does not matter. I haven't used it seriously since 2013 besides some guy wanting me to go sell stuff to foundries in Wisconsin this year which is legitimate since that company tried to recruit me in the past. It's the only reason I remembered I even had a LinkedIn.

I wish I had the balls to turn my LinkedIn account into performance art with out being manic but I just do not think that is the case.


spets1   Australia. Oct 09 2021 07:41. Posts 2160

Get into blockchain gaming, you can earn playing games. Start here https://youtube.com/c/CAGYJAN

hola 

 
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