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RiKD    United States. Sep 03 2021 04:30. Posts 7522
I don't want to be that guy who narrates his life but fuck I am that guy that narrates his life. (It is perhaps damaging to me – I like hurting myself –


I have no community only long distance communication.

I had a dream last night that I was reborn into a modern samurai. My power is that I was very adept with the skills of a samurai and I had telepathic communication with cats. Then Contrapoints played with my penis. I was afraid to play with hers so I went to some un-named big box store and it turned out I had left a dead, green Dodge Caravan in the parking lot and they were upset with me. I didn't give a fuck but the last time that happened I was kidnapped by some Hispanic cartel. Luckily, this time I woke up.

The beauty of sleep. This wonderful other consciousness we can slip into and know nothing about. I think if I had 5 beers I would make out with Contrapoints. I don't know if I would fuck her in the ass. Who am I kidding? I totally would but I would be afraid to. The bro is still too strong in me. A penis is a lot more intimidating than a burgeoning clitoris a top a lovely vagina. I don't think I am capable of giving an enthusiastic blow job.

It is a lot of fun to be a superhero samurai with cat friends who gets hand jobs from women who still have a penis. She knew what she was doing.

It is certainly better than real life in which I am a negative - net - worth - broke dead - beat - bum. To global neoliberal capitalism I am in the "waste" category. They wish to make me feel ashamed and guilty and I FUCKING DO (!) even though in reality I am a by product of a failing society. It would be best for global neoliberal capitalism if I was even more ashamed and guilty and fully focused on exploiting myself to the benefit of capital. Or, if I was in jail. I throw around killing myself on here too much but it may be the only last laugh I'll ever get. Although I don't think I will be laughing pumped full of Ativan and a gas mask on my mouth. DEATH


I have a doctor's appointment in a week where he is going to want to get everything in order in regards to my liver aka my diseased liver. Maybe a good thing is that if there is just a spot of cancer on my liver they can probably operate on that (which I likely can't afford). I am holding true to my gumption that I do not want a new liver in my body. It will probably be good to have an honest conversation with the doctor.


Dunno if I out narcissism'd tutz.

Coming out of no where to just post pictures of your vanity I mean kid is pretty up there.

But, look at all of my blog posts. It is FAST communication. It is a narration of my life. I am the King of Narcissism. I am a poster boy for 21st century fuck up. How many times can global neoliberal capitalism eat me up and spit me out and eat me up and spit me out and eat me up and spit me out before I fucking die or do it myself or figure it out or kill myself. How long can I go on a run before I lose it all again and again? Torn and ripped and tattered and damaged. I am no hero and I am not a villain. I am reality. I AM REALITY! HEAR ME BELLOW! HEAR ME MOAN! HEAR ME SIGH! FEEL ME DIE!!!

(Never Forget. You will die. Bitch.)

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RiKD    United States. Sep 03 2021 04:37. Posts 7522


Just jerked off to a selfie collection...

I seriously died for at least 2 seconds at orgasm.

RiKD    United States. Sep 03 2021 04:38. Posts 7522

Now, I am making self-portrait pancakes. They are inherently a bit abstract but damn I already have another boner.

RiKD    United States. Sep 03 2021 16:47. Posts 7522

I would never have a kid or join a religion because that would require me to love something else more than myself.

RiKD    United States. Sep 03 2021 21:48. Posts 7522

I am a narcissus that is going to die.

4:44 is when my guardian angels are supposed to protect me. Let me know when I am on the right track.

They are a falsehood if I am on here communicating swiftly to no one @ no where.

The screen narrows, the lights are slightly improved. I live in a vivid world beyond my understanding.

(I did see a blue fairy in the police car lights @ 4:44)

There is too much to explain. There is too much to know.

One more experiment for this seeker of knowledge before it goes ... (hazel eyes and picasso faces let's me know I'm in the right spaces) (... and goes.... and goes... and goes...)

RiKD    United States. Sep 03 2021 22:05. Posts 7522

This blog is similar to cutting myself.

I am depressed and anxious and need to feel something. The writing itself is soothing yet leaves a scar.

RiKD    United States. Sep 03 2021 22:18. Posts 7522

Now I am just chillin' listenin' to Portishead wondering who my real friends are?

RiKD    United States. Sep 04 2021 04:40. Posts 7522

I have been lingering a bit on it. I have no proximal friends so I have no real friends. I haven't truly met the gaze of an Other in a long while. This pandemic has got me fucked up if I wasn't fucked up already which we already know that I was. I have been living for survival for so long. It does not even matter that I study and think about the good life when I am living in survival mode and fear all of the time. Not having any real friends is really sad. Not only do I not have any friends I don't have any money to do anything with friends.

I finished a painting today. I titled it "eros and untrodden paths." I am looking for Eros to save me. I am looking for Eros to show up and take me away. In whatever form it may take. I need something foreign, opposite, and Other....

I am mostly just ripping off Byun-Chul Han here HA!

It's hard not too. He's bloody brilliant. I've mostly been reading Han and Nietzsche every waking moment. After I read The Palliative Society I will have read every single one of his English works. Virtue signaling ya'll! I mean in reality no one has to read every last one. Probably 5 is better than 20.

- Burnout Sociey
- Psychopolitics
- Digital Swarm

Read those 3 twice is better than reading all 20 once.

Read Nietzsche on Stanford Philosophy Encyclopedia then read all of his books from Human all too human or gay science I can't remember which one is first.

Something I have yet to do is a deep dive on Aristotle but that is probably in the cards if I am still tearing through philosophy into next week.

Who knows?

Enthusiasm only leads to burnout.

Byung-Chul Han is the man though. When asked if he is happy it took like 3 questions about the nature of happiness. Finally, he said, "the smell of well-cooked rice in Japan makes me happy" and then singing some classical music song with a piano makes him happy. That is what they were looking for but his first answer was "I don't answer that question" and 2nd answer was "how could I be happy in this false world?" Fucking hero.

Portishead – Dummy

I am in that phase where I want to re-invigorate my German again. Duolingo is so tedious. The only way for me would be full immersion in Berlin or elsewhere. I am getting a bit old though. I am also "waste" according to global neoliberal capitalism. Who the fuck knows what is possible for me at this point? Anything is certainly NOT possible. I pray at the altar of Eros. How long should I pray before I kill myself?

Tschüss (Ich spreche Deutsch sehr gut...)

dnagardi   Hungary. Sep 04 2021 08:15. Posts 1753


Loco   Canada. Sep 04 2021 17:50. Posts 20860

Didn't know he had a new book out. Thanks. Here's a link to it

The medium is the message 

tutz   Brasil. Sep 04 2021 22:30. Posts 2140


RiKD    United States. Sep 05 2021 03:54. Posts 7522

I don't hate you tutz I hate the game.

Now that the kid is here existing I wish he continues to exist and experiences some semblance of the good life as well as yourself.

RiKD    United States. Sep 05 2021 04:19. Posts 7522

Toast with butter, baguette with good cheese, fresh bread with olive oil

When you are as poor as me in friends and assets there are not many joys in life. The importance of food is overblown and it is difficult to not be overfed. I don't have drugs. My hedonic adaptation to drugs has gone haywire and there is no turning back. Philosophy and long walks in nature are literally a life saver.

It would be nice to be over this whole internet communication thing. Especially, considering, that only maybe 20 people read this blog and there never seems to be any sort of substance like maybe it was in the past or never existed.

I have to be honest that I have had cravings to self-harm. Large cuts on my arms is quite un-becoming of a 37 year old. I always preferred burns (and tattoos).

I really think the pandemic fucked a lot of us up. I was under the impression that I could experience leisure time but it never could quite escape isolated pandemic time. As the ice caps melt and release more bacteria and viruses into the world I really don't know the repercussions of all of that but it can't be good.

RiKD    United States. Sep 05 2021 06:02. Posts 7522

Oh man. I have been sleeping poorly again. I don't think I write so much out of a Kafkian afraid of the night abyss but just out of boredom. I can only lie awake so long.

I need to find me a good anime to consume.


I started watching Breaking Bad out of the grief I had for only 3 seasons of The OA. How the fuck do I follow The OA and Breaking Bad?


I haven't listened to Trentemoller in a while. He is quite good.


My fear with this liver disease is of course death but maybe more so prolonged pain, nausea, and exhaustion. I am of course afraid of death too even if in moments I can be stoic about it all. I would like dignity in death even though I am not really offered dignity in life. There is not much honor and respect in regards to my life. Which is why I consider ending it in a dignified way. There is no bright future ahead. It was looking that way at 18. Maybe a second chance at 28. Maybe another chance when I put the bottle down at 30 but it has been a real slog. You know I just don't have the correct skill-stack or network or something like that. Not that life has been particularly all that unbearable or anything like that lately I am just an untouchable with rich parents which means I can't be untouchable but I guess in Western terms I'm scum, I'm waste, I'm rubbish. I would get together with my fellow waste and make a case for the failings of society but we are too atomized. As I have said before: I know it's not my fault that I am a failure but society has me fooled that it's all my fault so I am still ashamed and guilty of something I didn't do!

Björk's musicality washes over me and it feels good.

But, yeah, us waste is too atomized and depressed to get anything done besides wallow in our narcissism.

Loco   Canada. Sep 05 2021 07:22. Posts 20860

If you are serious then you should consider self-harm David Goggins style. You'll find a purpose and meaning at the same time.

The medium is the message 

RiKD    United States. Sep 05 2021 11:19. Posts 7522

I never wanted to take David Goggins seriously but I'm out of shape enough that it hurts my quality of life plus as fun as it is to get comfortable in a depression it's actually pretty terrible plus if running for x min or lifting weights can improve my mental health or allow me to get a quality night of sleep that is worth a lot.

EzPzLmnSqz   United States. Sep 05 2021 23:13. Posts 545


Loco   Canada. Sep 06 2021 03:37. Posts 20860

  On September 05 2021 10:19 RiKD wrote:
I never wanted to take David Goggins seriously but I'm out of shape enough that it hurts my quality of life plus as fun as it is to get comfortable in a depression it's actually pretty terrible plus if running for x min or lifting weights can improve my mental health or allow me to get a quality night of sleep that is worth a lot.

He's actually got a nice little Stoic philosophy to support it all and he's more interesting than he lets on initially. I think he's worth taking seriously enough if you are in the kind of place that you are in. There is a comedic element to his whole thing but he's not wrong about most of the things he says.

If you're destined for a life of suffering you may as well make the pain you feel more intentional, and more rewarding too.

The medium is the messageLast edit: 06/09/2021 03:39

RiKD    United States. Sep 06 2021 05:02. Posts 7522

I'm about half way through his auto-biography. I am starting to get it.

Where is Stroggoz though in regards to Nietzsche's Will to Power when Goggins talks about mind games and competition and Taking Souls?

Another best-seller on how to overcome oneself.

Taking Souls is a little more bold than exploitation no?

RiKD    United States. Sep 06 2021 05:02. Posts 7522

#takingsouls made me laugh


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