Go Fuck Yourself.

Go Fuck Yourself is a sign of endearment in my circles btw.

After a walk today I noticed a majestic bird gliding through the wind. I thought:

If birds can find grace, I can find grace.

I don't know if that is true or not but I am going to keep trying.

On July 10 2021 21:23 RiKD wrote: Go Fuck Yourself is a sign of endearment in my circles btw. After a walk today I noticed a majestic bird gliding through the wind. I thought: If birds can find grace, I can find grace. I don't know if that is true or not but I am going to keep trying.

Yea u will find grace but pray to god for guidance

I just had a spiritual experience singing in my car.

Erykah Badu – Apple Tree came on and I harmonized the whole song

Then it was time for Lady/Brown Sugar/ Untitled (How Does It Feel) Trifecta by D'Angelo. D'Angelo is maybe the only person who maybe more of an addict and had more near death experiences than I have had who was also gifted a voice. I think I sang the most soulfully I've ever sang in my life. It feels like I am going to die on Monday. It's a shame my friend with the music studio isn't back until after summer. I have to bottle this stuff up before I die. It may be my only way out except I don't particularly like performing and I don't think fame would be good for me.

no medicine helps you? ever since going into the psychward haven't you ever felt like you wanted to something that keeps you moving in that direction?

On July 10 2021 21:23 RiKD wrote: Go Fuck Yourself is a sign of endearment in my circles btw.

Go Fuck Yourself to you too, RiKD <3

Are you serious you don't know how to get out of your mess? That's bullshit, no? You are just trying to self-destruct and pretending not to know I guess

stay strong brother. Life can be beautiful, it just needs to be built by you for you. Lots of effort, lots of planning, treat it as a game and level the fuck up, try to win. Identify obstacles in the game, and overcome it.

"Pray to God" – Nope. I thought I saw a glimmer of God in the face of a woman at a diner who hugged me, gave me a free cupcake and coffee, and told me it was going to be alright. Of course, I was "institution level" psychotic at the time but I did see what I saw. It's not that I am particularly against God it is just the fact I'm not going to get down on my knees and talk to my bed sheets for 10 min. even if that is simply reciting prayers like the St. Francis Prayer. The only time I am getting on my knees is to eat a woman out so she can pray for me: "Jesus!" "Oh lawd!" "Good Gawd!"

–––

Sometimes Lithium works and sometimes it doesn't. Vraylar seems promising to keep psychosis in check. The hallucinations and the psychosis is what really gets me but the mania and lack of sleep is what gets me there quick. Keep in mind all these medicines do is attempt to keep me within a certain range. It does not help my malleability even if I am at baseline "good." Which means not manic and not depressed. I still fight being a servant of capitalism every step of the way where I can. There is really no solution to my problems. It does not exist yet. I could find a bag of money and that would help. A record executive could hear my voice and fall in love and give me a bag of money to make a record but I would not want to perform (I don't think) which is where the money is for musicians. Tom Ford could like my look and start putting me in his runway shows and photo shoots. I would not have a problem walking or taking photographs in expensive clothing. If Elon Musk and Jeff Bozos started to have bidding wars over my paintings I would want to tell them fuck off but I doubt I would. Literally, all I have is my shitty guitar, this laptop from 2009, a nice bed, and some clothing, and a 10 yr old car that I didn't pay the insurance on yet and don't know how I am going to. I also have a well-worn in Travels with Charley by Steinbeck from 1962 and an excellente Kindle from 2021. I was going to joke that mayyybbbeee I had an Erhnam Djinn from Arabian Nights then I looked it up and that would actually be able to pay some bills. I doubt I could get $749.99 for it especially fast but that is funny. But, of course, all my Erhnams are from Chronicles and heavily played LOL.

–––

Jelle,

Are you saying to "Get a JOB and WORK HARD!" ???

That has never worked in my entire life besides poker. My last job was absolutely terrible. I had a nightmare about it last night. At no point was I closer to doing anything besides being stuck in that shitty job. The supervisors' job was worse than mine. They had maybe a little bit more room but they all scaled up past their means and were more stuck than me. The managers' job was worse than the supervisors' job and entry shit job. They were all relative broke but even more stuck. What I want the fucking Store Manager's job??? Are you fucking insane? Some corporate bozo job? I want to wear khakis and be positive all the time? Where can I get a job and work hard and not be fucked in the ass and told that I am lucky to be working there? I am talking actually have good benefits instead of just benefits or no benefits and enough margin that I can actually have some fucking dignity in my fucking life. I have been living with my parents for 7 years now since I blew up a corporate job and there has been virtually 0 shot of moving out and trying to create something on my own. 2021 I am happy to be living with my parents because shit could have gotten real if I was by myself in some unlivable far away city.

–––

spets,

I am anti-gamification of life bs. There is no grand narrative that some blind bard is crafting somewhere as I live my life.

I do agree though that I have to carve something out for myself and that it will take discipline and effort but that is more along the lines of Sartre/Heidegger Authenticity than gamification. Or, the guy that decided to go down to the river and make pottery every day to sell for enough to feed himself and his mother.

–––

So:

"Pray, Get a Job, and make a video game out of your life bro!" do nothing for this old, jaded, un-inspired ass.

Y'all are tryhards who should have tried harder.

On July 11 2021 16:36 spets1 wrote: stay strong brother. Life can be beautiful, it just needs to be built by you for you. Lots of effort, lots of planning, treat it as a game and level the fuck up, try to win. Identify obstacles in the game, and overcome it.

amen brother, but please no more sinful pics. im trying to lust less everyday as much as possible now lol

You do need a shitty job temporarily but working hard at it doesn't help you in any way.

I was actually going to suggest replacing movies/gaming/drugs with running. That also allows you to enjoy escaping reality but strengthens your body/mind instead of draining them.

Once your mind is fixed making money is the easiest thing in the world, especially if you're priviliged to live with your parents because then you can live like a monk and invest 100% of your income into undervalued stocks that you never ever sell no matter what. Soon after that you'll have a minimal income of dividends and your life options become slightly less monkish already. The dividends I suggest you spend because you need to reinforce in your brain that being a capitalist who owns companies gets you their profits which in turn can be traded for whatever goods/services you enjoy. It really doesn't take long for that to snowball out of control (unless you start out deep in the hole with debts). You don't need any luck, experience, degrees or abilities. It's ridiculous how spoiled we are if you think about it.

I feel pretty strongly about this because I made mostly the same mistakes you did and in my case it wasn't being self destructive I just literally didn't know - I was completely ignorant about how the stock market works or how nonstop games were fucking up my brain. I only started running on a whim years ago and when I did my whole life turned around almost immediately. When I quit running after about 5 years a lot of things started going wrong again but I have a bunch of stocks now that keep bailing me out of trouble

One thing you may not be considering is that at this point I don't think any corporation will offer me a $40-$50,000 office job and certainly not even more responsibility at something I might be good at like a $70,000+ sales job. That's over.

The only thing in this city I have a shot at more or less is shitty service jobs, shitty food + bev jobs, and maybe I could get into a car factory or steel mill production job. They are all terrible options. The last option is probably the least of the shitty but would probably require help from my dad so in my mind it's not even an option. I've done that before and even though I would not be actively working for the same company it's just a shitty situation.

What I would like to learn how to do is build housing without petroleum or wood. Mostly concrete and steel (and steel rebar) for the exterior and non-wood for the interior. I don't have a problem with stone countertops but I do have a problem with wood cabinets and wood flooring and wood furniture. Leather couches and chairs are out. I do have a minor architecture education and an artist's mind. The drawings and design are completed but I do not have a background to know if the drawings are structurally viable and also viable on a large scale. I am not looking for 1 cute "interesting" house on the ocean that is resistant to hurricanes. I am looking at something that could put a serious dent into the homelessness problem across the globe. Anyways, people tell me I should work for Habitats for Humanity but I don't think they get my vision. I am trying to break the way we look at and make housing. I would probably be better off working construction for concrete and steel bridges. Oh well, it's just another grandiose idea I may or may not ever finish. Finishing 1 house would be a win but seeing different nations using their abundant natural resources like clay and stone and building houses with out petroleum or wood may be the greatest day of my life. I always thought waking up to a double blowjob from Sasha Grey and Vienna Black would be the greatest day of my life but I would nut into one of their mouths and they would cum swap then I would still have to figure out what to eat for breakfast and then what to do with the rest of the day. Fuck bro, naturally I'd cook up some pancakes and turn on the news and see that India and Brazil are building housing in line with the open–source, peer–reviewed protocols.

Anyways, what I was going to say is what if I only make like $26,000 busting my ass and losing my mind cooking up all this bull shit food for maniacs on constantly changing shifts?

Even if I am living with my parents that is not really enough money to be making a dent in anything. I do have a lot of debt.

The thing is too is that yeah capitalism has been "great" for people that had capital and invested in the stock market in what April of 2020?

Capitalism will crash unbeknownst to most in the 99% every 3 to 7 years or so?

It's a whacky fucking system and just because you or I can pick some winners it just doesn't sit well with me. Especially, after what Robinhood did and I don't like Fidelity or Vanguard either even if they are "more responsible."

Man, I don't even really watch many films, or play many video games, I don't do any drugs. My escape is the electric guitar which I am already forming behavioral dopamine pumps in the striatum and I don't care because I love it.

Running is great for a lot of people. I do not like running anymore but if you said more broadly exercise... I mean who can argue against exercise?

I take walks. Which do not fire up the endorphins to the extent of a 44 min. run or deadlifting 444 lbs. or scoring 44 points across an afternoon's worth of basketball games but I do what I can do. I would be a cross country ski junkie but I live in the Southern USA. It's hard getting older.

If you said to EXERCISE and INVEST IN VALUE AND HODL that is pretty much impossible to argue against.

Yes exercise + hodl value is a reasonable summary of my suggestion

Fuck, you have a lot of debt too. May I ask how much? That's the only thing you said that I count as a real problem. You have so much debt that earning 26k/year doesn't put a dent into it? How much vig are you paying on your debt?

Nono, I did consider you not getting well paying office jobs. Dude, not being able to get a 70k/year office job is almost like an asset WTF @ complaining about this. I actually think the night shift at 7-11 for 26k/year is preferable but people somehow go into student debt for the former. Working as an office lemming can be a decent strat when you spawn with very low intelligence and put all of your skill points into respectability, but that's it. And you are definitely not that.

Yeah markets crash under capitalism, so what. That's like saying "but AA gets cracked" when someone advises you to build big pots with AA. It only matters how your profit/losses stack up at the end of the decade

Your ultimate goal should be to work for yourself. But first you do need to get out of debt and build up a little bankroll + physical/emotional strength to work with.

Hmm if you're not addicted to games/movies and just play guitar and take walks, that sounds much healthier than I imagined before. Glad to hear that man... Walking is definitely +ev

I don't know exactly how much debt. The medical debt is not as bad since I'm on a reasonable payment plan but I can't pay it so it might get worse. I am mostly in medical debt. The credit card debt is what is bad. The fact that I keep taking ambulances to the ER and go to psych wards for my mental health is bad. The fact that the new drug I am on that might be the one that actually helps costs like $400/month is bad.

By the way, grave yard shift at the 7/11 is out. Due to my mental health I prefer not to work night shift and I really shouldn't even be working rotating shifts even if it is just 1st shift and 2nd shift. Have you ever worked a graveyard shift? I did as a security guard and it was fucking terrible. I suppose I shouldn't complain about doing 3 patrols in an 8 hr shift and then just "watching the cameras" aka watching podcasts. It was still awful and with shit sleep I always felt broken. No one ever tried to break in and steal all of Heinz Ketchup's secrets.

Let's say my burn-rate in a month is $1,500. That is probably close. Some months lower. Some months certainly higher if I have to make a car insurance payment or there is some manic spending or maybe I just need some painting or guitar supplies so I don't want to kill myself. My manic spending this year has been almost exclusively t-shirts on Etsy versus that one time I bought $4,000 worth of personal training at a gym and never used it.

Burn-rate per month is $1,500. That is $18,000/yr. If I make $26,000 that is an extra $8,000. So, I don't know if car insurance falls into that $1,500/month burn-rate. Or, the $177/month payment to XXXX (hospital). That $8,000 surely is needed for emergency car maintenance, emergency new phone, emergency new laptop. The rest I could certainly get out of credit card hell and cover the medical debt payments... maybe. That is what I am saying though. There is not a lot there extra. AND, big AND, I DON'T have a $26,000/yr job and I am not sure that I could get one. Disability I think takes 5 months to kick in and that is going to probably be a max $1,000/month but I would also potentially be on Medicaid. There just doesn't seem like any good options.

^this is what happens when you listen to loco lol

It would be silly to blame my predicament on Loco.

I mostly blame my parents. They went on some insane, manic adventure across the USA to Miami to the Florida Keys and New Orleans among other places and decided to have a child somewhere along the trip (or didn't even decide and ended up with one).

Hm you spend more with an unidentified negative net worth, while unemployed and living with parents than I did when I was earning 70k/year, living alone in Tokyo and well in the plus. How do you do that?

Buying a laptop or repairing a car is not an emergency man... you are in a real emergency you need to kill your debt and obtain assets, a laptop is not an asset. If you need one, ask someone for a laptop they want to throw away and take it off their hands, they'll thank you for it. You can install ubuntu linux, open it up and remove dust, soon it'll be running again. You need to find every single edge you can get

Even if I truly can't convince you to lower your spending, what exactly is your plan if not getting a job? If you can't save anything while working, that means you're going negative 26k/year by idling and need a job even more. And that 26k/year is added to your debt and as a bonus it reverse compounds to lower your future income =[

One option uniquely available to you is to vlog your experience heroically fixing yourself and getting out of debt so you may inspire others to do the same. Your stories are so extreme that it might actually become popular on social media. You have a good sense of humor and you'd be an expert in the mindsets of degenerate overspenders. If you do become popular the social media account itself would be a financial asset.

You don't need to do graveyard shift you can do whatever job you want. I just said what I would like.. your description of that security guard job sounds like an impossible magical fairy land of ultimate happiness to me - where can I apply? But you just need to pick the one you dislike the least

I'm really trying to help man because I think you can still get out of this if you wake up and stop spamming the self-destruct button. Look on reddit there are communities of people who are badly in debt and they strategize on some useful stuff like which debts to pay off first etc.

Lol I think this guy missed the 2 year period where ppl made posts like this convincing themselves Rikd is actually not trolling everyone.

Burn-rate per month is $1,500. That is $18,000/yr. If I make $26,000 that is an extra $8,000"

Lol are you somehow exempt from income taxes.

On July 13 2021 19:54 Jelle wrote: Hm you spend more with an unidentified negative net worth, while unemployed and living with parents than I did when I was earning 70k/year, living alone in Tokyo and well in the plus. How do you do that?

Rent was less than $1,000 in Tokyo? Wait what?

Buying a laptop or repairing a car is not an emergency man... you are in a real emergency you need to kill your debt and obtain assets, a laptop is not an asset. If you need one, ask someone for a laptop they want to throw away and take it off their hands, they'll thank you for it. You can install ubuntu linux, open it up and remove dust, soon it'll be running again. You need to find every single edge you can get

I will agree with you here. I don't mind re-furbishing old hardware. Good point.

Even if I truly can't convince you to lower your spending, what exactly is your plan if not getting a job? If you can't save anything while working, that means you're going negative 26k/year by idling and need a job even more. And that 26k/year is added to your debt and as a bonus it reverse compounds to lower your future income =[

Yes. This is the problem. Disability will never be enough even with medicaid, food stamps, whatever else I would be forced to go on. The other side of the problem is that I have not been able to work because I have been in and out of psych wards all of 2021. I am not currently mentally stable or healthy and if I amp up like I did last time I will be back again in the psych ward, behavioral health center, looney bin, whatever you want to call it within 2 weeks. The only defense is trying to piece this all together with my doctors. It has not gone well in 2021 (YES I TAKE MY MEDS AS PRESCRIBED!!!)

One option uniquely available to you is to vlog your experience heroically fixing yourself and getting out of debt so you may inspire others to do the same. Your stories are so extreme that it might actually become popular on social media. You have a good sense of humor and you'd be an expert in the mindsets of degenerate overspenders. If you do become popular the social media account itself would be a financial asset.

A lot of people give me this suggestion. It is not a bad suggestion EXCEPT for the fact that fame is not good for my mental health or addiction. This little blog on LP is probably not good for my mental health or addiction.

You don't need to do graveyard shift you can do whatever job you want. I just said what I would like.. your description of that security guard job sounds like an impossible magical fairy land of ultimate happiness to me - where can I apply? But you just need to pick the one you dislike the least

That job seems like impossible magical fairy land but sometimes bullshit jobs that aren't shitty are actually worse than shitty jobs that aren't bullshit. Look up David Graeber for more info. I have no idea what job I would dislike the least and no one has been able to help me out here for 20+ years. This includes vast amounts of people whose job is to help with this.

I'm really trying to help man because I think you can still get out of this if you wake up and stop spamming the self-destruct button. Look on reddit there are communities of people who are badly in debt and they strategize on some useful stuff like which debts to pay off first etc.

I appreciate it.

To be honest, I have not been thinking as well as maybe I would like to be. There was a sweet spot where I was creating and reading and thinking when I had a cushion but for maybe the last 9 months have been packed with mental illness and addiction and being brutally poor. I read somewhere that part of the problem of being so damn poor beyond being so damn poor is that the stress is tremendous. Enough to fuck up the brain and lead to bad decision making. It's all intertwined. I can't get my mind healthy because I am so damn poor and I can't get my money right because my mind is not healthy. Anytime I get too amped that is $1,000 on the ER and potentially more at the psych ward. Like my health insurance is trying to only cover 5 days when I was there for 10. This shit is constant. The actual charge at a psych ward is like $5,000/day or more depending on the tests that are run. Blood tests and ultrasounds are crazy expensive. Just room and board is not going to be found for less than $3,333/day.

By the way, the one hospital has a lot at stake to have me not die. Why are they charging me so damn much for ultrasounds, follow ups, etc? Nigga, if I die from liver cancer in 2 years or suicide this summer you don't get any of it bro!

Again, to be honest, I will talk about a 401k I have that I could have probably accessed because of Covid but I never touched it and hate trying to piece through all this bullshit. That shit is probably not going to make more than 30% this year but I also don't want to pay penalties.

I also have other assets that may or may not make 30+% but probably make 15+%.

I've listened enough to Jay and Biggie to not deal drugs. I am definitely not meant for that shit. I am lucky in some ways that I spawned differently. I don't think I make it out of Marcy Projects. Biggie did but he still didn't. Jay is in Paris where I want to be. $100 milly and a Kali Uchis that's all I need? That's hyperbole bro. Rhetoric. All I need? Water. Food. Sleep. My credit cards to not get cancelled... That is immediate. That is the addict. I do have things I would like to do. Grandiosity is a gift and a curse. Mother-fucking checking account starts charging me $5/month because the balance isn't high enough. That's some broke nigga shit.

It's funny yesterday I literally had the idea to get a Visa (I have AMEX and MasterCard) and went online and looked up that the Chase Freedom Card that I denigrate all the time on here is probably the best card out there and way better than the cards that I already have only to quickly realize that filling out an application for a new credit card would only fail miserably and destroy any credit I have left.

On July 13 2021 20:20 hiems wrote: Burn-rate per month is $1,500. That is $18,000/yr. If I make $26,000 that is an extra $8,000" Lol are you somehow exempt from income taxes.

Firstly, this is an example of my mental capacities not being all there at the moment.

The point is I could make $26,000 in a year really eking it out. File my taxes in January and get a refund of say $2,000 and still have no money to do anything. That $2,000 goes straight to an overdue car maintenance bill or whatever.

Also: There is no way that $26,000 on a W2 would be taxed at ~30%.

ALSO: I just remembered that Jelle said he spent less than $1,500/month living in Tokyo. wat?

No it was about $1500-$1800, not less than $1500. You said you weren't including your car insurance & stuff so I think I was still spending less than you are now. And I wasn't trying to keep costs down or be a minimalist it just turned out that way when I bought everything I needed. I think I could have gone to $1200/month if I was really in an emergency

On July 13 2021 20:17 hiems wrote: Lol I think this guy missed the 2 year period where ppl made posts like this convincing themselves Rikd is actually not trolling everyone.

I guess I am being pretty retarded pretending I'm the first person to try talking to rikd

He seems so genuine to me though massive props if that is trolling

On July 14 2021 07:36 Jelle wrote: No it was about $1500-$1800, not less than $1500. You said you weren't including your car insurance & stuff so I think I was still spending less than you are now. And I wasn't trying to keep costs down or be a minimalist it just turned out that way when I bought everything I needed. I think I could have gone to $1200/month if I was really in an emergency

Can you budget this out for me?

How is rent less than $1,800 in Tokyo?

I could see myself getting cheap fresh ingredients to make my own ramen (proper ramen not out of a package) and eat that for every meal for 5 days or whatever but I would still want to do stuff.

Not being employed burn-rate will typically go up because there are more hours to cover to do stuff.

Also, for me specifically, I have been manic for like 6 months. That kind of defies Bipolar 1 diagnosis but it is what happened. This last run was schizoid as fuck. DSM V has its limitations. I am probably most accurately mentally ill and/or neuro-divergent. So, mania plus car insurance plus car maintenance the number is higher. I think last 4 months of 2020 was below $1,000/month even including holiday gifts.

One of the killers for me would probably be how do I not go out and eat delicious sushi if I am in Tokyo?

I mean I could see myself getting immersed and getting all uwu pirating anime which would pass the time nicely and cost me nothing monetarily.

I could easily pass the time just walking around the city but the moment I stop somewhere for tea or food I may find myself breaking the budget.

I'm just curious to see how you would get a very rough budget down here to even see if there is a chance of it being possible.

I've never been to Tokyo but everyone told me that it is expensive.

On July 14 2021 07:59 Jelle wrote: Show nested quote + On July 13 2021 20:17 hiems wrote: Lol I think this guy missed the 2 year period where ppl made posts like this convincing themselves Rikd is actually not trolling everyone. I guess I am being pretty retarded pretending I'm the first person to try talking to rikd He seems so genuine to me though massive props if that is trolling

Many people have tried to "talk" to me for various reasons. Your claim that you didn't even attempt to live like a monk and spent less than $1,800/month in Tokyo I am suspicious of. The fact that anyone can just roll out of bed and get say 17% out of the stock market in a year is also suspicious. I don't think you ever made the ladder claim. I myself put in quite a bit of work in the past to the point that I think I can pick winners but to pinpoint that to some % per year maybe I could bet on getting close on a range that is higher than 7% in the stock market. Some may say well if I could guarantee that than I wouldn't need a job but it is not that simple and also I am not sure that I could guarantee that especially as the world collapses.

I am not a troll. Of course, a troll would say that but I am just not. Look at my posting history. Sometimes I exaggerate for hyperbole's sake and sometimes I exaggerate because I can't help myself but I don't like to lie or exaggerate ever. It's something I got from Kant and life experience. My grandiosity runs wild especially when I am manic so there is that but everything that I write are my thoughts at the time.

Most of the time you are not looking for a conversation, but rather a response or just interaction and basically just say what you want to say and add random stuff about your creative pursuits or your glory days so you stay sane. So I think troll is pretty accurate.

It's whatever though I'm not as hostile towards you as before because at this point the forum is even deader than before, you are worse mentally than before, and honestly I myself am kind of depressed lately as well.

Fwiw my job I make 85k before taxes and I still live at home with the parents lol been here for 4 years and in the solid 90% for my age in terms of savings. But the gulf between 90% and 95% or whatever is just so tremendous.

I think something crazy like 25% of households in NJ make over 150k idk the number exactly. I think like 12% make over 250k or something. I think close to 45% make over 120k. My salary I am in the median household income lol which means I'm poor.

I'm not sure what I spend exactly. I cut my hooker habit during covid so I basically spent nothing for a year.

I think the 7/11 dream is misguided. My situation is almost exactly like that sometimes it's wonderful but I'd definitely trade it in for more $$$ and respectability. I'm quite depressed about life.

Japan is cheaper than the USA.

I believe you man I don't think you're a troll. Maybe you can return the favor - why would I lie about how much I used to spend? I was living a life of unimaginable privilige compared to 99.9%+ of every human who ever lived. I even had habitual leaks like spending too much on drinks from vending machines, buying food at convenience stores where it's more expensive, paying fees to withdraw money at a convenient wall etc. And I even lived in a popular area to be close to my work and overpriced boxing gym. I could go sooooo much less if I actually tried

I don't think you need to get high returns from the stock market to succeed at all. It's just a discipline game where you build for a while and get to a minimum viable position so you can get your freedom back. I'm not saying work as a security guard until you have a $100k portfolio, you just need to get out of debt and have a small portfolio and then you're already out of emergency land

On July 14 2021 16:44 hiems wrote: I think like 12% make over 250k or something.

isn't this kind of stat produced by people buying a house in an earlier year and then dumping it in the year of stats recorded?

No it's household income so just from regular job whatever that is. New Jersey has the highest household income out of all the states in the US.

*mind you that it's household income so if you have a dual income with the wife that counts. Still, 250k or whatever is a ridiculous number

The following data are the most current income statistics for New Jersey from the US Census Bureau, are in 2019 inflation adjusted dollars and are from the American Community Survey 2019 5-year estimates.

Median Household Income: $82,545.
Average Household Income: $114,691.
Per Capita Income: $42,745.
14.0% of Households in New Jersey are High Income Households that make over $200,000 a year.

I'm still suspicious of that

For example look at this link
https://www.investopedia.com/terms/h/household_income.asp

It claims:

Understanding Household Income
Household income generally is defined as the total gross income before taxes, received within a 12-month period by all members of a household above a specified age (the Census Bureau specifies age 15 and older).1 It includes—but is not limited to—wage, salary, and self-employment earnings; Social Security, pension, and other retirement income; investment income; welfare payments; and income from other sources.

So that is a really broad definition. A home seems to cost easily $400,000 in new jersey so if you and your busto partner sell one, you are immediately skyrocketed to a top household under that definition if i understand correctly

I'm not actually knowledgable on this I just immediately get suspicious because 200k+ of income from a job is a huge number for like 10%+ of people in an area

Also after googling a bit more it seems new jersey has a very hot housing market and people are speculating there a lot... i don't know dude I'm extremely suspicious now...

On July 14 2021 16:44 hiems wrote: Fwiw my job I make 85k before taxes and I still live at home with the parents lol been here for 4 years and in the solid 90% for my age in terms of savings. But the gulf between 90% and 95% or whatever is just so tremendous. I think something crazy like 25% of households in NJ make over 150k idk the number exactly. I think like 12% make over 250k or something. I think close to 45% make over 120k. My salary I am in the median household income lol which means I'm poor. I'm not sure what I spend exactly. I cut my hooker habit during covid so I basically spent nothing for a year. I think the 7/11 dream is misguided. My situation is almost exactly like that sometimes it's wonderful but I'd definitely trade it in for more $$$ and respectability. I'm quite depressed about life.

New Jersey always seemed tough to me in more ways than one. What you describe is exactly the step situation where in NJ let's say someone has $85,000 or even $100,000 and it may not feel that way. Like, when I was in NJ a lot it seemed like there were fucking black BMWs, black Audis, black Porsche Boxters, etc. everywhere but I don't even know if any of those cars are a responsible buy at an income of $85,000/yr pre-taxes. The money and status thing is crazy there versus fucking suburban Ohio or Jackson Hole, Wyoming. Almost 50% making $120k in a household is pretty crazy but you are right. How many are making $600k or $1.2 million? How does someone "stuck" scale up in a sane way? These are not poor people problems but they are still problems as humans are social creatures.

The mill I called on out in NJ was wild. They made shit re-bar and I don't think they were particularly good at it. We lost most of the business there because a Brazilian multi-national offered them a worldwide discount cost per ton deal which there was no way for my company to even begin to offer anything anywhere close to that. After 8 months of bustin' each others balls and getting these guys pizzas from a legit local spot many of the guys were kind of like cold, tough guys up front and at the end they would do anything for me. OK, enough tooting my own horn in a response to hiems I'm just saying the NJ dynamic is very weird to anything I am used to.

I spent a weekend at the Jersey Shore once. I spent all summer in steel mills and I am a very white person. I was very pale going for a run on the beach and then sun burnt and I still remember these pumped up guidos calling me "Pinky." It was kind of de-moralizing but also funny. There was no real way for me to forge a comeback in that situation so I just kept on running but it was like "Welcome to the Jersey Shore."

Have you ever thought of moving hiems?

I think there is a case for this being a "loser" move but personally, I would not want to ever even try scaling up in NJ. Obviously, for me there was maybe nothing more perfect than living in Buenos Aires in 2007, et al. It always seemed like to me that there were a lot of fun Koreans living in Los Angeles. The Korean BBQ is GOOD but honestly I don't like Los Angeles so that would not be an option for me. Today, I seem to like the Southern cities more. Some are getting gentrified too fast and that is not good for the broke people. Midwest is cool too. Chicago is unlivable for me unless I had a serious income or assets. Same for NYC. I do not ever want to live in Boston, Philadelphia, Baltimore, Washington DC. East Coast is pretty lame including NJ until I get North of Boston. I always forget that you hate me and don't respect me but this is just me attempting to have a conversation with you including my 2 cents.

On July 14 2021 17:00 Jelle wrote: I believe you man I don't think you're a troll. Maybe you can return the favor - why would I lie about how much I used to spend? I was living a life of unimaginable privilige compared to 99.9%+ of every human who ever lived. I even had habitual leaks like spending too much on drinks from vending machines, buying food at convenience stores where it's more expensive, paying fees to withdraw money at a convenient wall etc. And I even lived in a popular area to be close to my work and overpriced boxing gym. I could go sooooo much less if I actually tried I don't think you need to get high returns from the stock market to succeed at all. It's just a discipline game where you build for a while and get to a minimum viable position so you can get your freedom back. I'm not saying work as a security guard until you have a $100k portfolio, you just need to get out of debt and have a small portfolio and then you're already out of emergency land

I don't think you are intentionally lying but budgets are interesting. Most people don't realize how much they spend on stuff (including me). There was a famous thread on 2p2 about living off of x amount of money and a lot of people thought it would be easy then others broke it down and it wouldn't be. It basically boiled down to someone making spaghetti for every meal and going hiking a lot and playing World of Warcraft a lot. Let's say I am walking through a city and I am thirsty. Well, if I am trying to live off of say $1million on 1% return per year from the age of 25 in most cases I actually have to think twice before spending $2+ on a thirst quencher. It really is that absurd.

Well, I mean... People need to get some returns on their money. Inflation + taxes can be 5%. So, people have to figure out how to at least beat 5%. Then, they have to figure out how not to spend 40 and beyond hours a week on an extra 1% , etc etc etc. If a former poker player/gamer says they can beat the market for x% I tend to think it isn't totally true and they are probably exaggerating but if they figured out how to beat poker, and sports betting, and blackjack it's not like the stock market is rocket science. It's actually less bad to have debt if fiat currency is inflating especially if it's an amount on a payment plan with out vig. Everyone should at least do some due diligence on Collapse and Hyperbitcoinization. I think my dad is incredibly lucky to have multiple pensions and 401ks that have probably been at 10+% since the age of 30 but he doesn't really have a clue what he's doing and the past does not always predict future results. I'm not predicting doomsday in 5 years and not a whole lot would matter that much in that scenario anyway besides harm reduction.

My other point is that me as a security guard there was no chance of even getting out of my parents' home into an apartment in a not too gentrified or not too not gentrified part of a city. Where am I finding $100k for a portfolio? That's $2,000 back on my taxes for 50 years and I already said that $2,000 back on my taxes is getting swallowed up immediately just to keep things running. This is when I was more disciplined and cooking up like 10 meals worth of sardegnian soup and eating stale bread and spending all my time in diners with AA friends consuming basically nothing besides maybe an $8 grilled cheese meal and water.

On July 14 2021 19:21 Jelle wrote: I'm still suspicious of that For example look at this link https://www.investopedia.com/terms/h/household_income.asp It claims: Understanding Household Income Household income generally is defined as the total gross income before taxes, received within a 12-month period by all members of a household above a specified age (the Census Bureau specifies age 15 and older).1 It includes—but is not limited to—wage, salary, and self-employment earnings; Social Security, pension, and other retirement income; investment income; welfare payments; and income from other sources. So that is a really broad definition. A home seems to cost easily $400,000 in new jersey so if you and your busto partner sell one, you are immediately skyrocketed to a top household under that definition if i understand correctly I'm not actually knowledgable on this I just immediately get suspicious because 200k+ of income from a job is a huge number for like 10%+ of people in an area Also after googling a bit more it seems new jersey has a very hot housing market and people are speculating there a lot... i don't know dude I'm extremely suspicious now...

Idk I imagine if it did include capital gains, the frequency of that being so low that despite the $$ u make from the sale of a home is alot, it is infrequent enough that it doesn't so drastically change a locality's "state household income" so much.

I.e making $100k from flipping a home is alot but if 1/100 households in the state have sold their homes in a year then it only will change the "average household income in state" by $1000. Realistically most people don't sell their home often enough.

Furthermore the directionality of homes still are positively correlated with other states with lower mean home prices. So let's say in a year nj homes appreciate, generally same will be the case for homes in Florida. So if a Floridian makes 60k on capital gains so that 1000 difference in state household income gets reduced to 400 if that makes sense

Anyway that is my guess only idk for sure.

On July 14 2021 19:52 RiKD wrote: Show nested quote + On July 14 2021 16:44 hiems wrote: Fwiw my job I make 85k before taxes and I still live at home with the parents lol been here for 4 years and in the solid 90% for my age in terms of savings. But the gulf between 90% and 95% or whatever is just so tremendous. I think something crazy like 25% of households in NJ make over 150k idk the number exactly. I think like 12% make over 250k or something. I think close to 45% make over 120k. My salary I am in the median household income lol which means I'm poor. I'm not sure what I spend exactly. I cut my hooker habit during covid so I basically spent nothing for a year. I think the 7/11 dream is misguided. My situation is almost exactly like that sometimes it's wonderful but I'd definitely trade it in for more $$$ and respectability. I'm quite depressed about life. New Jersey always seemed tough to me in more ways than one. What you describe is exactly the step situation where in NJ let's say someone has $85,000 or even $100,000 and it may not feel that way. Like, when I was in NJ a lot it seemed like there were fucking black BMWs, black Audis, black Porsche Boxters, etc. everywhere but I don't even know if any of those cars are a responsible buy at an income of $85,000/yr pre-taxes. The money and status thing is crazy there versus fucking suburban Ohio or Jackson Hole, Wyoming. Almost 50% making $120k in a household is pretty crazy but you are right. How many are making $600k or $1.2 million? How does someone "stuck" scale up in a sane way? These are not poor people problems but they are still problems as humans are social creatures. The mill I called on out in NJ was wild. They made shit re-bar and I don't think they were particularly good at it. We lost most of the business there because a Brazilian multi-national offered them a worldwide discount cost per ton deal which there was no way for my company to even begin to offer anything anywhere close to that. After 8 months of bustin' each others balls and getting these guys pizzas from a legit local spot many of the guys were kind of like cold, tough guys up front and at the end they would do anything for me. OK, enough tooting my own horn in a response to hiems I'm just saying the NJ dynamic is very weird to anything I am used to. I spent a weekend at the Jersey Shore once. I spent all summer in steel mills and I am a very white person. I was very pale going for a run on the beach and then sun burnt and I still remember these pumped up guidos calling me "Pinky." It was kind of de-moralizing but also funny. There was no real way for me to forge a comeback in that situation so I just kept on running but it was like "Welcome to the Jersey Shore." Have you ever thought of moving hiems? I think there is a case for this being a "loser" move but personally, I would not want to ever even try scaling up in NJ. Obviously, for me there was maybe nothing more perfect than living in Buenos Aires in 2007, et al. It always seemed like to me that there were a lot of fun Koreans living in Los Angeles. The Korean BBQ is GOOD but honestly I don't like Los Angeles so that would not be an option for me. Today, I seem to like the Southern cities more. Some are getting gentrified too fast and that is not good for the broke people. Midwest is cool too. Chicago is unlivable for me unless I had a serious income or assets. Same for NYC. I do not ever want to live in Boston, Philadelphia, Baltimore, Washington DC. East Coast is pretty lame including NJ until I get North of Boston. I always forget that you hate me and don't respect me but this is just me attempting to have a conversation with you including my 2 cents.

It's not that 85k or 100k &quot;feels&quot; like not alot of money in nj it's that it just straight up is poor lol if you are living here...at least as a male here you need to be making more than that.

Despite this most ppl will live on their own either because they don't understand money or because they are focused on enjoying life or whatever.

I should have bought a house and rented a few rooms out but unfortunately I didn't lol. Other than the my option is to get a cheap room for rent on craigslist and live there but would rather save the money.

I've thought about moving. At some point I eventually have to move obviously. This weekend I used faceapp for the first time and saw the version of myself as an old man and that shit was depressing lol.

I kind of feel like I'm forced into some sort of "starcraft timing attack" portion of my life right now where I'm doing some teching up, getting upgrades, gathering forces to strike when the timing is right lol.

A fantasy of mine is to eventually switch into working in the Maritime industry for like...Maersk or whatever lol making 60-80k a year and travel the world for cheap. Basically you live rent free while you are on the ship kind of like a free cruise. The advantage to doing this would be that instead of a normal work schedule you get to take anywhere from a month to maybe even 6 months of the year off straight without working so Id be able to live wherever.

hmmmm.... yeah.

Hopefully, it does not shake your confidence that I think your post is spot on.

If I were you and had your income and mental health I would just get a dece enough 1 bedroom by an area you would like to hang out in. That would require you to decorate it nice enough so that it is not embarrassing and hopefully feels like a dece domocile. *shrug* Although, it's funny. Everyone talks about getting a dece 1 or 2 bedroom in a good location but no one that I've seen really can quantify how much that is worth to someone's joy.

I'm thinking that if I could have had a 1 bedroom in Wrigleyville (Chicago) that I could have walked anywhere or taken the train/taxi the value would be a lot (not considering the commute which would have been impossible). Now, I don't even think it matters because I am old and do not drink. I would not go to a stranger's place to fuck and I would not bring a stranger to my parents' home either. I'm so old fashioned now it's probably 3 dates before I put out but if my dick was hard my answer would probably be different. I would also fuck with AA women that I know just because those relationships are more open and faster but I still don't go to AA meetings anymore and I am not sure if I ever will.

hiems, if you are playing some game where you are getting your rocks off with good escorts vs. moving out, etc. I am not hating. Everyone has to live authentic lives, blah blah blah and I respect you for living your life how you want. If I had any cash to get a good escort... I know it doesn't make me feel great that she is only having sex with me because I give her money but damn there are some times when masturbation just isn't really going to cut it and a simulation just sounds good. The other night I found some rando JOI that was like crazy good and I was like "damn, that almost made me feel like we almost had sex or at least jerked off to orgasm together..." If there was some setup like in the film H.E.R. I would be very susceptible to that in this current time.

I should clarify though that I do not thinking paying sex workers for sex is ideal. At least for me it set off a feedback loop dopamine pump in the striatum portion of the brain that was textbook addiction. If the thought of fucking Ella gets the gears going and the routines only increase this dopamine pump which increase the dopamine pump which increase the dopamine pump there is really like no way I am not going to have some fun with Ella. The next part never happened to me with sex workers but even if it was not enjoyable and I am still doing it out of compulsion because my brain desires something more that is when it is really a problem. Obviously, there is the potential for sex trafficking and other abuse which is not fun, etc.

@hiems yeah it doesn't matter to the average much, but I think you can get the wrong impression looking at the top couple % that way. I just don't think the top 10% of people are getting 200k$/year from a job even in new jersey

Yea but fwiw it's by household not by person. I think with household it's pretty easy with dual income.

all right fair enough, not sure why im opposing that stat so much

Having the capabilities to torture, maim, and kill without being accountable for it is basically power.

If your "Team" can persuade or whack the other guy that is basically power.

There is no scale up from torture (especially in the sense of an out-sourced Gitmo), maiming, and killing but there can be a scale down which means there is a scale down. I saw it in corporate situations all of the time.

There is more too this obviously but I have to clean my room before solving the world's problems. Shining my light on my corner before shining bright like Sirius is actually very good advice. Jordan Peterson is not completely wrong but then again he starts getting more wrong when he says to put my life in order before thinking about any sort of activism. Who the fuck's life is totally in order at any given time? Not Peterson's............ anyway........ ciao

The ultimate form of power is someone or some people soft persuading others to do things that the others think they are doing out of their own freedom and autonomy.

Ex. Someone working 70 hours a week because they think they can get a bonus and move into an apartment in a better location. Not quite alive and not quite dead there are a lot of questions that should be asked about motivations and desires. The amount that corporate totalitarian rulers extract out of the wage slave force from bottom all the way up to VPs and Presidents is crazy.

All of this can be found in The Burnout Society and What is Power? by Byung-Chul Han. Pretty short essays relative to what is typically found in philosophy and social critique sections. The Burnout Society could be read in one sitting if you get into it. What is Power? took me a little longer to digest everything. I seem to always be stopping by to promote Han's work but it is necessary to understand the world today.

Clearly, do this or we break your knee caps is extremely persuasive but not as persuasive as someone just doing what you want plus more all of the time.

I think most people can wrap their heads around the deaths of Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain. Maybe not but it seems that people freak out over the death of Robin Williams, Anthony Bourdain, and Kate Spade. It always seems like older people that still have for some reason not faced the fact that humans can end their own lives. I understand all of the suicides. Even Prince. It could still happen that I want some Fentanyl relief and it gets away from me or I plan on killing myself with Fentanyl. It does not seem like a bad way to go to be honest. Lately, I have been more thinking about suicidal tendencies than actual ideations. I always joke about not living past 55. I honestly think the over/under is lower like 49. Even if I decide to get a liver transplant it's not looking good for me. It also seems like as the years go on when I think about suicide I am constantly improving my plan. It is constantly getting honed. I am more in the court of wishing I was never born. There is something kind of beautiful about being so down and out. I literally just don't give a fuck about so much. To the point that I have cut off contact with any GI doctors. I was listening to Bob Marley & The Wailers on my drive to the beach today and it just felt so perfect. I know that is how Bob felt at times even under tremendous pressure and stress. Why should I not just eat better and exercise more and not see a GI doctor?
I'm really going to get a transplant? It is easy to be brave talking about this now. It is much more real to have a doctor say that I will die in 2-5 years if I don't get a transplant. It's easy to push that decision off until it needs to be made. I'm certainly not going to go on record and say because Bob Marley didn't treat his cancer and died that I am going to do the same because "Jah will protect me." Although, there is also some beauty to that philosophy.

It's like I am at the point where there is enough that keeps me in the game that I am ok with blasting myself with some Trazidone, et al. and waking up to see what the next day brings me. I am on more medications than I have ever been on. I have no ideas that alcohol is somehow a better medication. It is not. Sometimes I get ideas that crumbling some good herb in a bowl could help eliminate some of these medications but my psychiatrists don't think so. I can't have any fun anymore. I mean all of this is what the drugs are for except for the fact I can't do drugs anymore. It seems like there are enough exciting things to do instead of drugs but I wonder what happens when that is not the case. I also think I have trained my brain to think about the future more than immediate gratification but that is only true to a point. If I want to drink a Pacifico and smoke a joint on the beach that is now appeal but I have enough conditioning to know it's not worth the risk. Whereas I have at least bad fatty liver disease yet I see Naked Chicken Chalupas at Taco Bell and lose my shit and buy the store out of them. Alcohol brings me compulsive misery, pain, hospitals, jails, death. Taco Bell just seems to bring me happiness but it also brings me death just more slyly and slowly.

It is kind of a sad way to die just gorging oneself on food. But, I think I care so little about myself right now that I don't really care what way I go. Although it's weird because it doesn't feel like my insides and/or soul is rotting in any sort of way. I think going for a walk on the beach like Stone Cold Steve Austin or Michael Jordan game 6 is a little ridiculous. Trying to pick up women at the beach is pretty pathetic. I watched some video recently of a pick up master bragging about how he's had 5,000 makeouts.... ROFL. It was brutally cringe.

It now might be time for me to slam my 3 or 4 sleep, depression, anxiety medicines. This is what it has come too. Hopefully, I can wake up tomorrow and the day will be ok. I'm not even sure if any of my credit cards work anymore. I've been eating bread, eggs, and bananas.

Are you at some level reasoning that since you're planning to potentially choose to end your own life, you may as well get a crapton of credit cards and have a party going into insane debt before you check out? Have you thought about how this affects the people borrowing to you or your family/friends?

Since you were good at poker, you must've had the experience where you're on massive tilt, have crossed your pain threshold, and you are just lighting money on fire nonstop because further losses don't register anymore anyway? Then when you 'wake up' from your tilt, you deeply regret your actions? I think that's the situation you are in right now, and I am trying to be the stop-loss.

I have 2 credit cards. One has a limit. The other "doesn't have a limit" yet it clearly does. I would not be able to get any more credit at this point from credit cards. I even posted this here earlier that there is no version of a Visa card that would accept my application and not only would I get denied by going on record with my financial situation would only end up hurting my credit which used to be very good.

I could maybe rack up $15,000 of debt on a "going away" party but that is silly. I like parties but I don't like parties. I'm not going to trash my parents' place because they still enjoy life. And, actually, I couldn't probably rack up that much. Both credit card companies are texting and calling me about how my accounts need attention. I am being watched closely at this point.

I mean that's all I really want from people at this point:

- What do I do with the credit card debt?

My plan is to pay what I can and hopefully still slip small transactions through. Sometimes I need to eat. Sometimes my car needs gas. I have been trying to hole up here in the house and eat bread, eggs, and bananas but that is a bleak life. Doing something stupid even though my mental health is not all there for even just $100/day seems more reasonable than starving myself and playing Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild to pass the time. Both are pretty terrible lives but the ladder is just stupid. Well, they are both stupid. The real downside to the ladder is that trying to force myself to play TLOZ:BOTW for 10 hours a day just seems ridiculous while like standing around in retail for 8 hours is also ridiculous at least I could maybe fill up my gas tank and eat something...... What a fucking bleak existence.... I could busk for monies downtown but I am not sure if that is allowed and while my voice is probably good enough I am not good enough at the guitar yet.

- Should I attempt to extract my 401k monies and pay a 10% penalty + taxes?

Jelle, you may have mentioned the right thing to do earlier and get on reddit and see what comes of that.

On July 16 2021 15:54 Jelle wrote: Since you were good at poker, you must've had the experience where you're on massive tilt, have crossed your pain threshold, and you are just lighting money on fire nonstop because further losses don't register anymore anyway? Then when you 'wake up' from your tilt, you deeply regret your actions? I think that's the situation you are in right now, and I am trying to be the stop-loss.

Looking back on my poker career life tilt was more influential than tilt at the tables and in a lot of ways it was part of the reason I didn't play as many hands as others. I remember I had like $12,000 and was very comfortable at 2/4. I made $14,000 and then I was extremely comfortable at 2/4. Any loss less than $14,000 just seemed like nothing to me. I remember later I had like $75k online and was playing 3/6. I lost $9,000 in a day and that wasn't even really much tilt. Yeah, it felt a little gross but it really didn't. But, I remember trying to be a reg at 5/10 and I would lose a quick $4,000 and that pissed me off more. I remember the first time I lost $10,000 FAST at higher stakes I actually didn't care. It felt like I was paying my dues. That quick bath in the blood allowed me to start having $25,000+ winning days. Life tilt and PLO-tilt can be a wicked combo though. I don't think there is anything anyone could have done. I have respect for anyone that can play 2/4 and 25/50 at the same skill level. I actually pulled it off for a while and came back from the dead but doing stupid things with bankroll has a risk of ruin of 100% on a long enough timeline. It is kind of a similar situation. I had tons of friends and/or business people that wanted a piece of my action but I always thought I would never do that and I did never do that. Edges can be hard to judge on the fly. Losing $50,000 in a 25/50 game can be kind of jarring but it does not matter if someone has another $50,000 and the discipline to grind. If every game looks juicy no matter what it could be true which it more or less was true when I was playing in those PLO games. Even if durrrr, omgclayaiken, patrik antonius, harrington10, and guy are in the game it's like "oh, cool, guy is in the game, maybe I can learn something with out losing a university education to Stanford value of money." But, PLO is a little different than Hold 'em. There is a lot I could write here.

I will just say I don't like taking money from anyone. My parents are the easiest but it still sucks. No one is getting a ROI. If they give me money it is a gift that I will try to pay back and a gift that I will hopefully always remember and respect. Or... I guess I would take any loan if it was less % apr than my credit cards.

I was thinking about thinking today. I don't get good walks in as far as contemplation for a while now. It seemed ok as things starting blooming in spring and full blooms in summer but now it is just hot and way too many people. In January the only other zoids on the beach were birds and I love birds. Now, it is, ooof, watch the tide, watch that kid, oh shit watch that frisbee, oh shit, oh shit, wow, that is a large inflatable pink flamingo raft, damn, that is a nice ass, that is like an ass of Venus... it seems people like larger asses now, is it because we are all fatter down here? Fried chicken, sweet tea, foodie ice cream, many people drink too much alcohol down here. Fried chicken, beer, and foodie ice cream is a trifecta of fattiness. It is true that a certain body fat % range exists for esthétique..... and on and on and on....... Median attractive woman is actually extremely attractive down here. That is disregarding women over 55 and overly fat women and whatever else. It's sad but I do disregard them. Whatever. I start thinking too much about woman and attractive women and it's just silly. Monica Bellucci is almost 55 but am I really going to date Monica Bellucci? That's almost 20 years difference. When she is 65 I will be 47...... I think it works a little better for Lisa Bonet who is 53 and she can pick up a hunk like Jason Momoa who is 41. That is still pretty crazy but I guess it just works sometimes.

THE MAIN POINT I was thinking about is that I would have a lot of Nietzsche days, good days, in January or whenever. It's not still lakes, breezey trees, and giant, young mountains of the Swiss Alps but an empty beach in January is the shit. There are technically 2 more months of the summer and it feels like it's too much.

It's a race against the Trazidone. I think I will read a book. P E A C E

I had a dream last night that I was on this fun cruise. I hate cruises and will never go on one but waiting in line there were a lot of attractive women, fun looking people, etc. So, the young'ish people are at this killer rave and I am enjoying it until I get kidnapped. They tell the people on the cruise that I am depraved and now them torturing me is the entertainment. So, this guy is sexually assaulting me and basically water boarding me (simulated drowning) and the worst part is that everyone is loving it. The even worse part is I can hear all of their thoughts. My parents are too concerned with drinking and conversation to even notice. The only person who cares is my sister who is horrified. He forces me to let him cum in my mouth and hold it twice. Then we are in water so everyone can see the cum drift out of my mouth and into the water. He says the next time I am the punching bag and it will be really fun. It felt like I was trapped in some really fucked up Gaspar Noé film which I literally was since this shit was vivid. Then I woke up and saw the sun coming through the blinds and was happy to have arrived at a new consciousness. I made some coffee, had a regular shit, texted some people, and made some grits. I am now less likely to go on a cruise.

si knows of the simulation's signals....

i thought that i was the only I