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RiKD    United States. Jul 10 2021 19:25. Posts 6582
I am approaching new levels of broke that I've never experienced before. I don't need to get into all the details but the biggest thing is I haven't really been putting up much of a fight. There are still avenues I just haven't tried. I'm sick of fighting with capitalism every step of the way over not starving or the shot in the dark of finding some joy. Capitalism's take on joy is a perverted production of what they've convinced people joy is or should be. I don't know if the people down at the psych ward signed me up for disability or I still have to do that. It's all bullshit. Thankfully or un-thankfully the suicidal ideations are not that crazy. They could definitely get crazy. I don't think that much about suicide at the moment but it is the type of thing that I don't know if I care to live or if I care to die. If someone were to kidnap me and tie me down and maim me starting with my testicles and penis, of course, I would not like that very much. If they were to tie me up to a pole and empty a magazine of an AK-47 into my torso I am unsure how much I would care.

I haven't ever properly been in love. Maybe that is something to live for. My viewpoint now is that it is just fucked up chemicals in the brain. Then we have to deal with those fucked up chemicals in the brain after it ends. How could I ever honestly say I love someone until death due us part or even past that to some sick multi-dimensional eternity game. Like I can really say I am going to love someone not only for maybe 30 years but through infinite time in infinite dimensions? Really? All partnership really is is new benefits and new downsides. I think for a lot of the lucky ones the benefits outweigh the downsides but it is not like there are any guarantees here. The thing is if the chemicals are firing we are all fucking blind. I never disliked a woman when my throbbing penis was in her wet, warm, throbbing vagina. And, of course, that is not the only time I liked her. Maybe I have some misogynist tendencies I don't know about but most of those have faded away through out time and education.

I haven't really thought about hitting the bottle either. I am reading this book on addiction. AA is totally inadequate at explaining the science of addiction. There is some glimmer of hope that I could find a sweet-spot from say 10 units of Kentucky Bourbon to 20 but the problem is I know that it is total compulsion. I will drink until I pass out which is actually an added bonus for someone who hates to be conscious. When my only thoughts are, "I'm barely breathing... I wonder if I will wake up tomorrow... Do I care?" *Fade to black*

My striatum has found new things to be excited about and I think that is what addiction is about anyways. Finding new things for the striatum to get excited about and dopamine to pump towards something better than compulsively drinking myself to death.

I get excited about the electric guitar. As long as I keep getting excited about the electric guitar I may actually have more chance of getting good because my striatum and dopamine are probably a bit fucked up. I bet many on this site are a bit fucked up. Between Starcraft and Poker our striatums and dopamine pump got fucked up for sure. There was a time where literally poker was the only thing that brought me dopamine. One time I was playing poker and ignored an attractive women that was drunk but not too drunk and came up to my room to sleep with me and I told her I was busy.

Later, I had my drinking rituals which always placed drinking and myself before anything. Which basically just meant that I would compulsively drink until I passed out and then do that every single day of the year. That is such a gross spot to be in. So, I am in a better spot now than I was then but I am still in a pretty gross spot 7+ years later. And, the thing is I am not really sure how to get out of all of this mess. The only way I figure is losing consciousness. Sleeping a lot can be fun but all of the problems are still there. It is the same scenario with drinking, drugs, video games, good film... The only kind of escape that will truly work is to kill myself. I was not made for this place and time. I am so sick of trying to be malleable. It never works out. It hasn't worked out. I somehow still have hope that it can work out but that bullshit positivity does not mean that it must work out or it will work out. I am not an undead soldier.

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RiKD    United States. Jul 10 2021 22:23. Posts 6582

Go Fuck Yourself is a sign of endearment in my circles btw.

After a walk today I noticed a majestic bird gliding through the wind. I thought:

If birds can find grace, I can find grace.

I don't know if that is true or not but I am going to keep trying.


lostaccount   Canada. Jul 10 2021 23:07. Posts 3433


  On July 10 2021 21:23 RiKD wrote:
Go Fuck Yourself is a sign of endearment in my circles btw.

After a walk today I noticed a majestic bird gliding through the wind. I thought:

If birds can find grace, I can find grace.

I don't know if that is true or not but I am going to keep trying.



Yea u will find grace but pray to god for guidance


RiKD    United States. Jul 11 2021 01:54. Posts 6582

I just had a spiritual experience singing in my car.

Erykah Badu – Apple Tree came on and I harmonized the whole song

Then it was time for Lady/Brown Sugar/ Untitled (How Does It Feel) Trifecta by D'Angelo. D'Angelo is maybe the only person who maybe more of an addict and had more near death experiences than I have had who was also gifted a voice. I think I sang the most soulfully I've ever sang in my life. It feels like I am going to die on Monday. It's a shame my friend with the music studio isn't back until after summer. I have to bottle this stuff up before I die. It may be my only way out except I don't particularly like performing and I don't think fame would be good for me.


Raidern   Brasil. Jul 11 2021 09:08. Posts 4241

no medicine helps you? ever since going into the psychward haven't you ever felt like you wanted to something that keeps you moving in that direction?

im a regular at nl5 

Jelle   Belgium. Jul 11 2021 11:54. Posts 3449


  On July 10 2021 21:23 RiKD wrote:
Go Fuck Yourself is a sign of endearment in my circles btw.



Go Fuck Yourself to you too, RiKD <3

Are you serious you don't know how to get out of your mess? That's bullshit, no? You are just trying to self-destruct and pretending not to know I guess

GroT 

spets1   Australia. Jul 11 2021 17:36. Posts 2156

stay strong brother. Life can be beautiful, it just needs to be built by you for you. Lots of effort, lots of planning, treat it as a game and level the fuck up, try to win. Identify obstacles in the game, and overcome it.

hola 

RiKD    United States. Jul 11 2021 18:50. Posts 6582

"Pray to God" – Nope. I thought I saw a glimmer of God in the face of a woman at a diner who hugged me, gave me a free cupcake and coffee, and told me it was going to be alright. Of course, I was "institution level" psychotic at the time but I did see what I saw. It's not that I am particularly against God it is just the fact I'm not going to get down on my knees and talk to my bed sheets for 10 min. even if that is simply reciting prayers like the St. Francis Prayer. The only time I am getting on my knees is to eat a woman out so she can pray for me: "Jesus!" "Oh lawd!" "Good Gawd!"

–––

Sometimes Lithium works and sometimes it doesn't. Vraylar seems promising to keep psychosis in check. The hallucinations and the psychosis is what really gets me but the mania and lack of sleep is what gets me there quick. Keep in mind all these medicines do is attempt to keep me within a certain range. It does not help my malleability even if I am at baseline "good." Which means not manic and not depressed. I still fight being a servant of capitalism every step of the way where I can. There is really no solution to my problems. It does not exist yet. I could find a bag of money and that would help. A record executive could hear my voice and fall in love and give me a bag of money to make a record but I would not want to perform (I don't think) which is where the money is for musicians. Tom Ford could like my look and start putting me in his runway shows and photo shoots. I would not have a problem walking or taking photographs in expensive clothing. If Elon Musk and Jeff Bozos started to have bidding wars over my paintings I would want to tell them fuck off but I doubt I would. Literally, all I have is my shitty guitar, this laptop from 2009, a nice bed, and some clothing, and a 10 yr old car that I didn't pay the insurance on yet and don't know how I am going to. I also have a well-worn in Travels with Charley by Steinbeck from 1962 and an excellente Kindle from 2021. I was going to joke that mayyybbbeee I had an Erhnam Djinn from Arabian Nights then I looked it up and that would actually be able to pay some bills. I doubt I could get $749.99 for it especially fast but that is funny. But, of course, all my Erhnams are from Chronicles and heavily played LOL.

–––

Jelle,

Are you saying to "Get a JOB and WORK HARD!" ???

That has never worked in my entire life besides poker. My last job was absolutely terrible. I had a nightmare about it last night. At no point was I closer to doing anything besides being stuck in that shitty job. The supervisors' job was worse than mine. They had maybe a little bit more room but they all scaled up past their means and were more stuck than me. The managers' job was worse than the supervisors' job and entry shit job. They were all relative broke but even more stuck. What I want the fucking Store Manager's job??? Are you fucking insane? Some corporate bozo job? I want to wear khakis and be positive all the time? Where can I get a job and work hard and not be fucked in the ass and told that I am lucky to be working there? I am talking actually have good benefits instead of just benefits or no benefits and enough margin that I can actually have some fucking dignity in my fucking life. I have been living with my parents for 7 years now since I blew up a corporate job and there has been virtually 0 shot of moving out and trying to create something on my own. 2021 I am happy to be living with my parents because shit could have gotten real if I was by myself in some unlivable far away city.

–––

spets,

I am anti-gamification of life bs. There is no grand narrative that some blind bard is crafting somewhere as I live my life.

I do agree though that I have to carve something out for myself and that it will take discipline and effort but that is more along the lines of Sartre/Heidegger Authenticity than gamification. Or, the guy that decided to go down to the river and make pottery every day to sell for enough to feed himself and his mother.

–––

So:

"Pray, Get a Job, and make a video game out of your life bro!" do nothing for this old, jaded, un-inspired ass.

Y'all are tryhards who should have tried harder.


lostaccount   Canada. Jul 11 2021 20:30. Posts 3433


  On July 11 2021 16:36 spets1 wrote:
stay strong brother. Life can be beautiful, it just needs to be built by you for you. Lots of effort, lots of planning, treat it as a game and level the fuck up, try to win. Identify obstacles in the game, and overcome it.



amen brother, but please no more sinful pics. im trying to lust less everyday as much as possible now lol


Jelle   Belgium. Jul 12 2021 06:22. Posts 3449

You do need a shitty job temporarily but working hard at it doesn't help you in any way.

I was actually going to suggest replacing movies/gaming/drugs with running. That also allows you to enjoy escaping reality but strengthens your body/mind instead of draining them.

Once your mind is fixed making money is the easiest thing in the world, especially if you're priviliged to live with your parents because then you can live like a monk and invest 100% of your income into undervalued stocks that you never ever sell no matter what. Soon after that you'll have a minimal income of dividends and your life options become slightly less monkish already. The dividends I suggest you spend because you need to reinforce in your brain that being a capitalist who owns companies gets you their profits which in turn can be traded for whatever goods/services you enjoy. It really doesn't take long for that to snowball out of control (unless you start out deep in the hole with debts). You don't need any luck, experience, degrees or abilities. It's ridiculous how spoiled we are if you think about it.

I feel pretty strongly about this because I made mostly the same mistakes you did and in my case it wasn't being self destructive I just literally didn't know - I was completely ignorant about how the stock market works or how nonstop games were fucking up my brain. I only started running on a whim years ago and when I did my whole life turned around almost immediately. When I quit running after about 5 years a lot of things started going wrong again but I have a bunch of stocks now that keep bailing me out of trouble

GroT 

RiKD    United States. Jul 12 2021 18:09. Posts 6582

One thing you may not be considering is that at this point I don't think any corporation will offer me a $40-$50,000 office job and certainly not even more responsibility at something I might be good at like a $70,000+ sales job. That's over.

The only thing in this city I have a shot at more or less is shitty service jobs, shitty food + bev jobs, and maybe I could get into a car factory or steel mill production job. They are all terrible options. The last option is probably the least of the shitty but would probably require help from my dad so in my mind it's not even an option. I've done that before and even though I would not be actively working for the same company it's just a shitty situation.

What I would like to learn how to do is build housing without petroleum or wood. Mostly concrete and steel (and steel rebar) for the exterior and non-wood for the interior. I don't have a problem with stone countertops but I do have a problem with wood cabinets and wood flooring and wood furniture. Leather couches and chairs are out. I do have a minor architecture education and an artist's mind. The drawings and design are completed but I do not have a background to know if the drawings are structurally viable and also viable on a large scale. I am not looking for 1 cute "interesting" house on the ocean that is resistant to hurricanes. I am looking at something that could put a serious dent into the homelessness problem across the globe. Anyways, people tell me I should work for Habitats for Humanity but I don't think they get my vision. I am trying to break the way we look at and make housing. I would probably be better off working construction for concrete and steel bridges. Oh well, it's just another grandiose idea I may or may not ever finish. Finishing 1 house would be a win but seeing different nations using their abundant natural resources like clay and stone and building houses with out petroleum or wood may be the greatest day of my life. I always thought waking up to a double blowjob from Sasha Grey and Vienna Black would be the greatest day of my life but I would nut into one of their mouths and they would cum swap then I would still have to figure out what to eat for breakfast and then what to do with the rest of the day. Fuck bro, naturally I'd cook up some pancakes and turn on the news and see that India and Brazil are building housing in line with the open–source, peer–reviewed protocols.

Anyways, what I was going to say is what if I only make like $26,000 busting my ass and losing my mind cooking up all this bull shit food for maniacs on constantly changing shifts?

Even if I am living with my parents that is not really enough money to be making a dent in anything. I do have a lot of debt.

The thing is too is that yeah capitalism has been "great" for people that had capital and invested in the stock market in what April of 2020?

Capitalism will crash unbeknownst to most in the 99% every 3 to 7 years or so?

It's a whacky fucking system and just because you or I can pick some winners it just doesn't sit well with me. Especially, after what Robinhood did and I don't like Fidelity or Vanguard either even if they are "more responsible."

Man, I don't even really watch many films, or play many video games, I don't do any drugs. My escape is the electric guitar which I am already forming behavioral dopamine pumps in the striatum and I don't care because I love it.

Running is great for a lot of people. I do not like running anymore but if you said more broadly exercise... I mean who can argue against exercise?

I take walks. Which do not fire up the endorphins to the extent of a 44 min. run or deadlifting 444 lbs. or scoring 44 points across an afternoon's worth of basketball games but I do what I can do. I would be a cross country ski junkie but I live in the Southern USA. It's hard getting older.

If you said to EXERCISE and INVEST IN VALUE AND HODL that is pretty much impossible to argue against.


Jelle   Belgium. Jul 13 2021 15:02. Posts 3449

Yes exercise + hodl value is a reasonable summary of my suggestion

Fuck, you have a lot of debt too. May I ask how much? That's the only thing you said that I count as a real problem. You have so much debt that earning 26k/year doesn't put a dent into it? How much vig are you paying on your debt?

Nono, I did consider you not getting well paying office jobs. Dude, not being able to get a 70k/year office job is almost like an asset WTF @ complaining about this. I actually think the night shift at 7-11 for 26k/year is preferable but people somehow go into student debt for the former. Working as an office lemming can be a decent strat when you spawn with very low intelligence and put all of your skill points into respectability, but that's it. And you are definitely not that.

Yeah markets crash under capitalism, so what. That's like saying "but AA gets cracked" when someone advises you to build big pots with AA. It only matters how your profit/losses stack up at the end of the decade

Your ultimate goal should be to work for yourself. But first you do need to get out of debt and build up a little bankroll + physical/emotional strength to work with.

Hmm if you're not addicted to games/movies and just play guitar and take walks, that sounds much healthier than I imagined before. Glad to hear that man... Walking is definitely +ev

GroT 

RiKD    United States. Jul 13 2021 16:29. Posts 6582

I don't know exactly how much debt. The medical debt is not as bad since I'm on a reasonable payment plan but I can't pay it so it might get worse. I am mostly in medical debt. The credit card debt is what is bad. The fact that I keep taking ambulances to the ER and go to psych wards for my mental health is bad. The fact that the new drug I am on that might be the one that actually helps costs like $400/month is bad.

By the way, grave yard shift at the 7/11 is out. Due to my mental health I prefer not to work night shift and I really shouldn't even be working rotating shifts even if it is just 1st shift and 2nd shift. Have you ever worked a graveyard shift? I did as a security guard and it was fucking terrible. I suppose I shouldn't complain about doing 3 patrols in an 8 hr shift and then just "watching the cameras" aka watching podcasts. It was still awful and with shit sleep I always felt broken. No one ever tried to break in and steal all of Heinz Ketchup's secrets.

Let's say my burn-rate in a month is $1,500. That is probably close. Some months lower. Some months certainly higher if I have to make a car insurance payment or there is some manic spending or maybe I just need some painting or guitar supplies so I don't want to kill myself. My manic spending this year has been almost exclusively t-shirts on Etsy versus that one time I bought $4,000 worth of personal training at a gym and never used it.

Burn-rate per month is $1,500. That is $18,000/yr. If I make $26,000 that is an extra $8,000. So, I don't know if car insurance falls into that $1,500/month burn-rate. Or, the $177/month payment to XXXX (hospital). That $8,000 surely is needed for emergency car maintenance, emergency new phone, emergency new laptop. The rest I could certainly get out of credit card hell and cover the medical debt payments... maybe. That is what I am saying though. There is not a lot there extra. AND, big AND, I DON'T have a $26,000/yr job and I am not sure that I could get one. Disability I think takes 5 months to kick in and that is going to probably be a max $1,000/month but I would also potentially be on Medicaid. There just doesn't seem like any good options.


hiems   United States. Jul 13 2021 16:57. Posts 2018

^this is what happens when you listen to loco lol

Make liquidpoker great again. 

RiKD    United States. Jul 13 2021 20:45. Posts 6582

It would be silly to blame my predicament on Loco.


RiKD    United States. Jul 13 2021 20:51. Posts 6582

I mostly blame my parents. They went on some insane, manic adventure across the USA to Miami to the Florida Keys and New Orleans among other places and decided to have a child somewhere along the trip (or didn't even decide and ended up with one).


Jelle   Belgium. Jul 13 2021 20:54. Posts 3449

Hm you spend more with an unidentified negative net worth, while unemployed and living with parents than I did when I was earning 70k/year, living alone in Tokyo and well in the plus. How do you do that?

Buying a laptop or repairing a car is not an emergency man... you are in a real emergency you need to kill your debt and obtain assets, a laptop is not an asset. If you need one, ask someone for a laptop they want to throw away and take it off their hands, they'll thank you for it. You can install ubuntu linux, open it up and remove dust, soon it'll be running again. You need to find every single edge you can get

Even if I truly can't convince you to lower your spending, what exactly is your plan if not getting a job? If you can't save anything while working, that means you're going negative 26k/year by idling and need a job even more. And that 26k/year is added to your debt and as a bonus it reverse compounds to lower your future income =[

One option uniquely available to you is to vlog your experience heroically fixing yourself and getting out of debt so you may inspire others to do the same. Your stories are so extreme that it might actually become popular on social media. You have a good sense of humor and you'd be an expert in the mindsets of degenerate overspenders. If you do become popular the social media account itself would be a financial asset.

You don't need to do graveyard shift you can do whatever job you want. I just said what I would like.. your description of that security guard job sounds like an impossible magical fairy land of ultimate happiness to me - where can I apply? But you just need to pick the one you dislike the least

I'm really trying to help man because I think you can still get out of this if you wake up and stop spamming the self-destruct button. Look on reddit there are communities of people who are badly in debt and they strategize on some useful stuff like which debts to pay off first etc.

GroT 

hiems   United States. Jul 13 2021 21:17. Posts 2018

Lol I think this guy missed the 2 year period where ppl made posts like this convincing themselves Rikd is actually not trolling everyone.

Make liquidpoker great again. 

hiems   United States. Jul 13 2021 21:20. Posts 2018

Burn-rate per month is $1,500. That is $18,000/yr. If I make $26,000 that is an extra $8,000"

Lol are you somehow exempt from income taxes.

Make liquidpoker great again. 

RiKD    United States. Jul 14 2021 02:28. Posts 6582


  On July 13 2021 19:54 Jelle wrote:
Hm you spend more with an unidentified negative net worth, while unemployed and living with parents than I did when I was earning 70k/year, living alone in Tokyo and well in the plus. How do you do that?



Rent was less than $1,000 in Tokyo? Wait what?


  Buying a laptop or repairing a car is not an emergency man... you are in a real emergency you need to kill your debt and obtain assets, a laptop is not an asset. If you need one, ask someone for a laptop they want to throw away and take it off their hands, they'll thank you for it. You can install ubuntu linux, open it up and remove dust, soon it'll be running again. You need to find every single edge you can get



I will agree with you here. I don't mind re-furbishing old hardware. Good point.


  Even if I truly can't convince you to lower your spending, what exactly is your plan if not getting a job? If you can't save anything while working, that means you're going negative 26k/year by idling and need a job even more. And that 26k/year is added to your debt and as a bonus it reverse compounds to lower your future income =[



Yes. This is the problem. Disability will never be enough even with medicaid, food stamps, whatever else I would be forced to go on. The other side of the problem is that I have not been able to work because I have been in and out of psych wards all of 2021. I am not currently mentally stable or healthy and if I amp up like I did last time I will be back again in the psych ward, behavioral health center, looney bin, whatever you want to call it within 2 weeks. The only defense is trying to piece this all together with my doctors. It has not gone well in 2021 (YES I TAKE MY MEDS AS PRESCRIBED!!!)


  One option uniquely available to you is to vlog your experience heroically fixing yourself and getting out of debt so you may inspire others to do the same. Your stories are so extreme that it might actually become popular on social media. You have a good sense of humor and you'd be an expert in the mindsets of degenerate overspenders. If you do become popular the social media account itself would be a financial asset.



A lot of people give me this suggestion. It is not a bad suggestion EXCEPT for the fact that fame is not good for my mental health or addiction. This little blog on LP is probably not good for my mental health or addiction.


  You don't need to do graveyard shift you can do whatever job you want. I just said what I would like.. your description of that security guard job sounds like an impossible magical fairy land of ultimate happiness to me - where can I apply? But you just need to pick the one you dislike the least



That job seems like impossible magical fairy land but sometimes bullshit jobs that aren't shitty are actually worse than shitty jobs that aren't bullshit. Look up David Graeber for more info. I have no idea what job I would dislike the least and no one has been able to help me out here for 20+ years. This includes vast amounts of people whose job is to help with this.


  I'm really trying to help man because I think you can still get out of this if you wake up and stop spamming the self-destruct button. Look on reddit there are communities of people who are badly in debt and they strategize on some useful stuff like which debts to pay off first etc.



I appreciate it.

To be honest, I have not been thinking as well as maybe I would like to be. There was a sweet spot where I was creating and reading and thinking when I had a cushion but for maybe the last 9 months have been packed with mental illness and addiction and being brutally poor. I read somewhere that part of the problem of being so damn poor beyond being so damn poor is that the stress is tremendous. Enough to fuck up the brain and lead to bad decision making. It's all intertwined. I can't get my mind healthy because I am so damn poor and I can't get my money right because my mind is not healthy. Anytime I get too amped that is $1,000 on the ER and potentially more at the psych ward. Like my health insurance is trying to only cover 5 days when I was there for 10. This shit is constant. The actual charge at a psych ward is like $5,000/day or more depending on the tests that are run. Blood tests and ultrasounds are crazy expensive. Just room and board is not going to be found for less than $3,333/day.

By the way, the one hospital has a lot at stake to have me not die. Why are they charging me so damn much for ultrasounds, follow ups, etc? Nigga, if I die from liver cancer in 2 years or suicide this summer you don't get any of it bro!

Again, to be honest, I will talk about a 401k I have that I could have probably accessed because of Covid but I never touched it and hate trying to piece through all this bullshit. That shit is probably not going to make more than 30% this year but I also don't want to pay penalties.

I also have other assets that may or may not make 30+% but probably make 15+%.

I've listened enough to Jay and Biggie to not deal drugs. I am definitely not meant for that shit. I am lucky in some ways that I spawned differently. I don't think I make it out of Marcy Projects. Biggie did but he still didn't. Jay is in Paris where I want to be. $100 milly and a Kali Uchis that's all I need? That's hyperbole bro. Rhetoric. All I need? Water. Food. Sleep. My credit cards to not get cancelled... That is immediate. That is the addict. I do have things I would like to do. Grandiosity is a gift and a curse. Mother-fucking checking account starts charging me $5/month because the balance isn't high enough. That's some broke nigga shit.

 Last edit: 14/07/2021 02:44

 
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