re-boot , re-fresh - Page 3

I need to figure out my process for creating a song. I have killer material for a blues / country song. I can't pay my bills, I can't work, I have a bum liver I can't afford to do anything about, there is no woman in my life and no sane woman would be with me in my current situation. Maybe I should just work on a poem with melody in mind and then let the guitar riff develop from that.

It's strange that I know more about myself and more about the world than I ever have yet I find myself in a rut. This last mania x psychosis really took it's toll on me. When I think about my liver and Jason Molina's organ failure I think that I am thankful that I am at least not drinking alcohol. My striatum and dopamine is trying to kill me with food however. Sometimes I think about my "legacy" or what have I accomplished in this lifetime. Grasping at immortality projects like they even matter or something. I am well past due to spend some time in cemeteries to figure out what is important to me in this lifetime. The likelihood is that my family and friends would chip in for me to have a liver transplant but I could also just ignore it and die at 39 – 45. I never saw myself living much past 55 anyway. There is a certain power that comes from suicide. It's hard to have fortitude when deeply depressed but finding myself in a strange place where I don't care if I live or I don't care if I die. Maybe someone will find me walking on the beach with my eyes to the ground 9 ft ahead as a place of weakness but maybe rather it is a place of indifference. Nothing can stop me now that I don't care anymore (Trent Reznor). And, I just might truly not care anymore. I care enough that I would be uncomfortable showing up to a social event with women I am attracted to without showering or brushing my teeth for a week. I don't really care that I have not shown up to any of those social events though.

I appreciate Americana but I don't like bleached blonde hair and fake plastic breasts. No I don't like your lip injections. Quit being ridiculous. Not that that even matters. What woman is going to touch a crazy fresh out of the looney bin with a negative net worth crashing at his parents' home for 7+ years. It's one thing to hit some snags in someone's 20s but literally my entire 30s I have lived with my parents and there is no bright future ahead. I don't really know what I am capable of especially in this capitalists' world. So, I play the guitar. I play the guitar as well as I can. There are no more gesso'd canvas. Not even blue or red paint. My credit cards will be cancelled soon. The guitar is all that I have left in this world.

I feel like it is somewhat cruel for your parents to just like...be worth a few million whilst you lay around broke as f lol. I get it that you live basically free but throw the man a bone with a small allowance or something lol.

There's a part in bill Perkins book die with zero that analyzes the logic behind an early inheritance it's pretty interesting stuff.

My dad's best friend down here who took me to the psych ward mentioned this. He said my dad would probably give me $3,000/month or at least my dad's friend would give his daughters $3,000/month. That generation is always caught up on work though. As if I can find some dignity in some repetitive factory job, repetitive food & bev job, or repetitive whatever job. He kept saying that I was super smart and that I could do whatever I wanted but I don't think that is true.

$36,000 is about the breakthrough number that I could probably get an apartment and start to live life a little bit. $24,000 if I live at home with my parents but that is no life. I could probably get by on like $15,000 – $20,000 if I live with my parents. Maybe even less but that is no life to live.

Early inheritance is an interesting idea. I'm at a point now where I wouldn't just blow it all on drugs or gambling (still possible but I don't think it's probable). It could really help me put a down payment on an apartment or something like that and provide a "basic income." I honestly think my parents are planning to die with zero by spending it all on cruises and exotic vacations. They spend so much on traveling my well off brother and sisters are going to have to cover expenses possibly. I would rather that my parents buy a nice house in the Midwest near my siblings and chill out instead of buy here which has ever-worsening hurricane seasons even if it is paradise here. I don't trust the stock market in a collapsing world but what the fuck can anyone trust in a collapsing world.

I don't even know where I am at with BTC (ETH, SOL). My brother had a point that I can't shake. I don't actually understand how the encryption works. I just leave it up to these experts to tell me that it's ok. I do believe in hyper-bitcoinization. It's just kind of a pain. My wallet broke and it's a pain in the ass to buy a new one and get it all setup. This is actually a really easy process it just proves I am a bit fed up with the Tradizone blues and certainly depressed compared to where I was a month ago. I don't actually know how BTC works and it is probably beyond my understanding if my brother can't figure it out.

Well the idea of an early inheritance was that for whatever money you do receive you will get more joy now than say when you are in your fifties.

Even if it isn't to cover like ... an apartment or a yearly lifestyle I don't understand why your family wouldn't be a able to help you take a trip to Argentina or even like pay for hiking trip across the Appalachians or support some sort of vanlife or take some classes or whatever.

The logic behind it is that alot of those activities you can't enjoy as much in your later years and it's not like a once a year vacation isn't going to break the bank for anyone and it will help with your sanity.

Honestly your family could probably contribute 1k a month and you'd have no problem finding like...a wife and starting a family anywhere in South America lol.

I totally agree with Bill Perkins sentiment. Although I have also always valued a liberal arts education as well as life experience. If my brother would have gone to Buenos Aires for a year instead of getting his PhD he would not be where he is today. Maybe moving up the corporate ladder doing jobs that are somewhat interesting and that he is well equipped to do is more valuable than backpacking through Europe at age 25. I mean I do not know if I actually believe that. My brother is a goon for the corrupt banking systems in place but he also has a nice house and relative financial freedom.

The last time I was in Buenos Aires a friend and I paid about a grand USD for a tiny 2 bedroom in a great location. Looking back on it it was kind of weird that we roomed together. We were both winning at 25/50 (he was taking shots at 100/200) and could have stayed anywhere in the city with out the need of rooming together. One of the running jokes was that we were gay since we roomed together despite having large bankrolls and we also were never dating anyone at the time. It's funny to think back about that. We were more so autistic than gay. I remember the landlord was a little pissed that I negotiated the asking price down. It's not like I was a super tourist. I had lived in Buenos Aires for about a year across 2007 and 2008 so I knew what the real prices were and we were paying the guy upfront in USD cash. There was no way I was going to pay the bloated sticker price but the landlord acted like I was cheating him or something. He was an alright guy after all. It seemed like every time I talked to him he was headed to Miami or in Miami and he probably flew private.

A simple life could probably be achieved in Buenos Aires for $1k / month. Finding some place in a not yet gentrified part of the city and not going through a tourist real estate site is probably very doable. I know people who have done this. The big issue is furnishing the place. Electronics are more expensive in Buenos Aires. I am always a bit of a target because I am blonde but I am big and don't dress flashy or carry much cash so it's never really worth it unless someone is absolutely desperate. It's so much easier to go down to the high falutin' areas in Recoleta and steal some clueless Chinese guy's designer bags filled with currency and valuables and speed off into the wild traffic on a motorbike.

I am ambivalent on marriage. I would like a girlfriend though. There are no families that I am going to start. I would have had a vasectomy by now but I don't have the money and am partially afraid to have it done. Oh baby I like it raw but wearing condoms just seems easier. Through out my life it has been mostly strange so I always took safe sex seriously.

I've been playing the guitar until my fingers hurt today. I hope I can develop some calluses here pretty soon. A and D are pretty natural for me. They feel like home. I think I could probably put together a pretty simple blues or country song with just A and D. Time will tell.

Don't get a vasectomy. I used to be on the fence about it. Some people I follow had the opinion that it's overall bad and I think I agree.

Anecdotally I met one dude that did have a vasectomy and he seemed unstable mentally.

Yeah, I don't think I will get a vasectomy even though I looked it up and my insurance would probably cover a lot of it. My favorite is raw and shoot the load inside of her and leave it in for a a little bit but obviously I need a trusted girlfriend for that and even still female birth control is not 100%.

There is also a chance that I fall in love and end up wanting a kid or more. No idea the % on that but I don't think I am solidly 100% to never want a kid. I have only been in love with one woman in my life but she did not want kids so it was pretty easy to be like "yes, of course, no kids" (in my mind). If it were the opposite and there was a woman I fell in love with that was like, "actually, I do want kids" I don't really know how I would react. I am honest about not wanting kids up front (although I don't have a problem with single moms besides it's more annoying than women who don't have kids). If the kid(s) are already here well that is an annoyance but I don't have a problem with that per se. My problem is with bringing children into this world. So, if I had a girlfriend that I was in love with and we both agreed that we didn't want kids early on like the first or third date or whatever then she is like "actually, I want kids..." I don't really know what I would do in that situation. If a woman wanted to get married I think that I would always cave because I don't really give a shit. I don't think I would cave on the kids situation though. No kids. Not for me. (But, obviously, I would not know for sure what I would do unless I was actually in that situation).

I am pretty solid on A, D, E, G now. Was trying to create some songs. I need to find some more challenging songs. JustinGuitar App has me just strumming A and D simultaneously for 5 min which is boring as fuck after a while.

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On another note:

It is funny how a lot of people I know including my parents condemn country. If I were to say "Hey, I found this new Indy Rock where the singer/song-writer is from West Cleveland" everyone would totally be down. They might end up saying it's too slow or depressing or something like that but if I talk about country musicians immediately a bad Southern accent gets put on saying stupid things.

My grandfather used to listen to country and my mom more or less hates him so I guess there is that.

The funny thing is that where I grew up the outskirts were all farms so much so that the other schools in the conference who were all closer to the city of Cleveland made fun of us for being farmers and living in barns and driving tractors around and stupid shit like that. Although, all the surrounding schools had drive your tractor to school day and legit shit like that. We had a bitchin' County Fair which may have been one of the best in the state. I mean Amish country had us beat but I don't think they had County Fairs.

The funny thing is that my mom and dad will fawn over bands like The Rolling Stones and Led Zeppelin and not acknowledge and not care that those bands stole from original blues artists.

I will acknowledge that a lot of big country music is certainly banal at its best but if I am truly honest I am still biased by these people and these areas that raised me. I would wager that I would love a trip to Nashville as long as I did not go with party poopers.

I am wearing a Nine Inch Nails shirt. It is over-sized and comfortable. My new favorite thing is to wear 2xl shirts and boxer briefs and nothing else at all times. Someday it might be accepted for me to wear this to Target with a non-leather bag or fanny pack.

Anyways, I have a lot of reverence for Trent Reznor. When he was running around Cleveland trying to sell his music in the late 80s he got literally zero warmth from anyone. Instead of quit he went back to his Moog Voyager and said fuck everyone I will do it myself. When Pretty Hate Machine was a smash he had everyone banging on his door for a touring gig. Jimmy Iovine got wind of Trent's talent and wanted to do business for the second album. Reznor flat out told Iovine give me a large pile of money upfront and you will get everything and more in return. Iovine agreed and Reznor created every aspect of his Magnum Opus: The Downward Spiral. That album inspired me to get a Moog Voyager synthesizer. Unfortunately, they are $7,000 new these days. But, what I forgot is that I had an electric guitar stocked away in the closet collecting dust. I don't have a Moog Voyager synthesizer but I do have a good enough electric guitar and a voice and an imagination to write songs. It's a little funny to me that I am now fixating on Jason Molina. Another rust belt baby like Reznor and myself. Where as Reznor almost overproduces NOISE and aggression, Molina's sound is stripped down and down and pure emotion. Reznor might take 1 week to get a drum sounding "perfect" and then the next drum and then the next drum to the point that no man alive could possibly play the ensemble. Molina spent 8 hours a day on song writing and it shows. It's not that Reznor does not have a voice it is just that Molina brings a poetic flare to perhaps his own genre of music like I could not imagine anyone touching his level of grace, style, and emotion. Molina is SLOW, Reznor is FAST and FASTER. Reznor has true rock star looks and presence, Molina appears somewhat frail, balding, with a uni-brow. I don't have $7,000 or Reznor's obsession. I can play a few chords and sing a song.